Catharsis

By: Aviantei

a

There would be nights whenever I would lie awake, not sure of whether I wanted to go to sleep or get to work. There would be a million thoughts racing through my brain, and just trying to write them down wouldn't be enough. I would try to tell myself that this would be the last time I would turn on the light, the last time that I would ever go through the trouble of trying to write these sorts of things down, that I would fall asleep. It never was.

There would be nights whenever I would give up on sleep, where I would get things moving in my apartment whenever it was one in the morning, getting dressed and sitting down to work. I never ate in those days, though, knowing if I fell asleep that would only mess up my rhythms more than I already had. I would just let whatever words I had been formulating in my head get out, tapping fingers against keyboards and ignoring the time. At some point or another, the urge to sleep would finally come through, and I would sometimes wake up with the imprint of the keyboard on my face and a senseless string of letters added to my document.

I didn't mind those mornings in the slightest.

b

I had somehow managed to get my apartment clean in two days, which was good, considering that our meeting was the next afternoon. I started imagining some scenario, where the Literature Club members would be impressed by how neat everything was, how they could see their reflections in the windows. I had even gone through the trouble of organizing the insides of my cabinets, and the refrigerator for good measure. If was going to have to show my entire living space off for others to gawk at, it only made sense to do a thorough job.

Sure, I knew they wouldn't really be that impressed, but it was funny to think about anyway. Besides, it would give off a better impression than the mess that had been there before. I didn't know why I cared what the underclassmen thought of me, but I did. Realistically, leaving the house a mess would have been better, considering they might have changed their minds about me helping them as a result.

Really, my actions had just been counterproductive. Here I was changing my lifestyle in favor of maintaining a positive impression with some kids who mistakenly seemed to idolize me (Nase didn't count, because I doubted my tidiness would even impress her). I didn't even feel comfortable in my own home anymore; it felt like someone else lived here and I had mistakenly grabbed the wrong key one day.

When it came down to it, I felt a little bullied. I knew it wasn't really bullying, and that there were plenty of kids out there who had gone through much worse than what I was experiencing now. Technically, I was just being put under peer pressure by one individual, and failing to resist it. My insistence on being a loner was working against me. I had no one to blame but myself.

Normally, the response in times of crisis like this would be to talk to your friends. As it was, I didn't have any friends (which was, once again, my fault). The closest I had to one was Ishikawa-sensei, and there was no way I could talk to him. He was the reason I was stuck in this situation, so he wouldn't be sympathetic at all. I wouldn't have been surprised if he laughed at me afterwards.

The only one I had to rely on in this moment was myself. I had always thought that that would be enough. Except it wasn't and I was now dealing with the consequences of that. Being a loner meant that you didn't interact with other people, didn't deal with them at all. I had broken that rule and this was the result.

When my doorbell rang that morning, I had no choice but to open it.

c

"Thank you for letting us use your place today, Sugiyama-senpai!" Kuriyama's voice was border-lining a shout as she practically shoved a box into my face. I reeled back a bit, adjusting my vision to see that it contained cookies. They looked pretty cheap, and she had forgotten to remove the sale sticker from the box, but I wasn't about to turn down free food. "We brought you a housewarming gift!"

Kanbara laughed, putting a hand on Kuriyama's shoulder. "I think she can see that, Kuriyama-san," he said, causing the girl to jump. Kuriyama lowered her arms and the box, blushing slightly. "Oh, the color of your frames really brings it our when you blush! It's perfect!"

"D-don't be so unpleasant!"

"That being said, we are grateful, Sugiyama-senpai," Nase said, her quiet voice managing to cut through the bickering taking place on my door step. She didn't have any visible signs of smirking, but I still didn't feel like everything had been done as an act of my own volition. "We don't want to intrude any longer than possible, so shall we get started?"

"Yeah, come on in," I said, stepping out of the doorway. Nase was first in, Kanbara and Kuriyama stopping their minor argument to step inside and take off their shoes. When that was done, I led them to where I had set up the table. "Make yourselves comfortable. I'll get us something to drink to go with those cookies."

I was basically quoting every scene like this I had ever read about in a novel, ever. I wondered if my voice sounded as stiff as I felt. I absconded to the kitchen, pulling together the necessary supplies for making tea. Even if I had organized everything myself, I felt like I was in foreign territory again. It just seemed too clean for it to be conceivable for someone to live there.

Especially not me.

It didn't take too long for the water to boil, and I let the tea seep for a little bit. I had only really ever made tea for myself, so the Literature Club would just have to deal with my personal preference. Just to be safe I grabbed the sugar bowl and placed it on the tray with the cups and the tea pot. I was frankly surprised that I had the supplies to even serve guests in my home.

Goes to show how much attention I had paid to what my parents had packed for me. I'd bet anything that this had been my father's idea. My mother knew better.

Even so, I was glad that I did have the tea set. It would have been embarrassing to offer to get drinks and not have any. I shook the thought off. The club members at the table hadn't stopped chattering since I had left, although I had tuned them out as background noise. Coming back towards them, it seemed as if Kanbara and Kuriyama's argument had subsided.

"…but you're right, it really is a nice place for someone that lives by themselves," Kanbara was saying. I tried not to think too hard about his words before putting the tray down. "Thanks for the drinks, Sugiyama-senpai! By the way, the image of a housewife with glasses looks really visually appealing for you. Although I don't know how well it would match up with your personality…"

It really bothered me how he could just say such things as if they were part of normal, everyday conversation. I felt bad, considering Kuriyama and Nase had to put up with this in a regular basis. Kuriyama looked ready to unleash another "How unpleasant!" in her senpai's direction. Nase was already mixing sugar into her tea, but her eyebrows were scrunched together a little but more than usual.

"Putting that train of thought aside, let's focus on the matter at hand," she said. I took the only remaining seat, between the brunette and Kanbara. I realized that the boy had set up the table arrangement so that he would be between both of his 'bespectacled beauties.' He was cleverer than I had initially thought. "Sugiyama-senpai, I do believe you had something to say about our efforts so far."

Instantly, all eyes turned on me. I had known that I would be consulted about this sooner or later, but I hadn't expected it to be right off the bat. I had hoped that we would talk for a while, pass around some ideas, and I would be able to casually slip into the conversation that Kanbara and Kuriyama's ideas of suitable literature for the anthology just weren't up to snuff and we would have to work from there, based on my guidelines. Instead, Nase expected me to be blunt and up front, with nothing to serve as a cushion to ease into the conversation.

Fine then.

"Kanbara, Kuriyama-san, what were your reasons for joining the Literature Club?" I asked. It was as good of a way to breach the topic as any, and at least it would give me some sort of buffer to ease into it. On a whim, I pointed to the singular male in the room. "Kanbara, you go first."

The blonde underclassman blinked, going cross-eyed for a moment as he focused on my finger in his face. I hadn't meant to catch him off guard, but guessed it didn't matter if I had. "Well…" he started, still trying to make up an answer out of his words. "I like reading as a hobby, and I wasn't really interested in any other clubs. Plus, Mitsuki was joining, so I figured we'd join together." I didn't feel like prying any more on that statement, so I let it go. All in all, it was a pretty normal answer.

"And of course, reading is a common past time of girls with glasses, is it not? So naturally I would join any club that would increase my chances of encountering them! Man, that Takahashi-senpai was a real beauty, it should be a crime to look that good, except then she'd be locked up and I'd never be able to see her…"

"Only a pervert would remember the name of someone who graduated recently for a reason as that," Nase said. I turned my head to her, but the brunette didn't elaborate in the slightest. The insult had flown so smoothly, I almost wondered if anyone had actually said anything at all.

There was the part of me that wanted to laugh at how quickly Nase's insult had made Kanbara shut up. There was also the part of me that wanted to let out a heavy sigh in response to the comment that had warranted an insult in the first place. In the end, I did neither, instead directing my finger towards the girl sitting across from me. "And you, Kuriyama-san?"

"If we're being honest, I didn't really want to join the club at all," Kuriyama answered. She was fidgeting, avoiding meeting eyes with her fellow club members. "Senpai—that is, not you, Sugiyama-senpai—kept bothering me about it. It was really unpleasant…" Kanbara didn't even have the decency to look guilty; he just grinned. "I ended up joining because there was a book about gardening that only club members had access to…"

I wouldn't have considered the first-year to be into something like gardening, but the more I thought about it, the more I could see it. Kuriyama-san had just the right looks that wouldn't look out of place in the middle of flowers, and the quiet disposition to boot. Although those qualifications could also be fit into sitting around in a library, which I was sure had been Kanbara's own thinking.

"Well, that makes sense, I guess," I said. All eyes were back on me, and I guess that my diversion had gone on long enough. Nase's assessment was right then. "Please don't take this the wrong way, but your selections for the anthology just won't cut it. Kuriyama-san, while you have a good eye for eliminating pieces where the words are poorly constructed, you let good language distract you from bad storytelling. Kanbara, you just can't assume a story is good just because the word 'glasses' shows up. In short, you two just don't have the thinking to properly put this anthology together."

Kanbara nodded his head in a way that seemed like he was agreeing with me. Kuriyama looked almost defeated, lowering her head to the table, just barely avoiding a collision with her tea cup. I would have been too concerned about if it had broken, but I certainly didn't need tea in my underclassman's hair. "So does that mean all that work we've done has been for nothing…?" she asked, eyes peeking over the rims of her glasses. I was sure Kanbara was having a heart attack or something. I blocked him out and nodded. "Ah, this is really unpleasant…"

Kanbara nodded his agreement, staring into his tea cup almost ruefully. Nase was the only one unaffected, and that was because she knew this was coming. I guess I felt a little bit bad, but if they wanted my help, they were going to have to deal with me being honest. Or if they didn't want me to be honest, this whole thing could be over with. I opened my mouth to elaborate—

—only to have Kuriyama's head pop up from the table's surface as she asked, "What about Mitsuki-senpai?"

Nase's club mates turned to her, searching for an answer. Instead of providing words, she took a long drink of her tea, letting out a happy sigh whenever she was done. "I am the president after all," she answered. "Senpai, explain the rest."

Son of a—! It wasn't even a request. It was an order! I clenched my teeth, forcing the words to be metered when I spoke. "From what I can see, Nase has a much better handle on judging works of literature," I said, leaving the honorific out on purpose. Nase made no comment, but I doubted it slipped past her, probably because it was mixed in with a compliment. "There's no need for her to adjust her approach when you two are such problem cases."

Kanbara and Kuriyama flinched in sync at the words, albeit to varying degrees. Kuriyama adjusted her glasses afterwards, bringing a smile to Kanbara's face in the process. "So what can we do to fix it?" he asked. Kuriyama nodded her support, and Nase seemed interested for a moment.

"Well, I was working on some tips to help you all out earlier, so I can just get…" I stopped. The tips, like everything else I wrote, were stored on my computer. There was no way I was letting this band of misfits anywhere near my computer, let alone in my room! "Um, I meant to print out copies for everyone, but it must have slipped my mind… If you'll excuse me for a minute, I can take care of it, that way you guys can have a copy to take home with you!" I managed to stand up without seeming to panicked, and retreated to the hallway before any of the Literary Club members could protest.

"Ah, it looks like we're out of tea! I'll go make some more!"

"K-Kuriyama-san, let me take care of that!"

Besides, they shifted back into their routine without me well enough.

d

"'First,'" Kuriyama-san read off, "'pay attention to the writing style. Just because it's simplistic doesn't make it bad. Just because it's elaborate doesn't make it good. Keep an eye out for clichés and whether or not the author has a clear voice that you can hear coming off the page.'"

"'Second,'" Kanbara continued, "'try and find the motivation behind what's going on. Characters' actions shouldn't seem forced. Things can be done for the sake of the plot, but only poorly written ones stick out. Unless you think it's done intentionally, scrap any pieces that seem to have to force the story to move along…' Hey, I do this all the time, why are you making it seem like it's a weakness—ah! For such a beautiful girl in glasses, you sure have a real bad temp—ow! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

"'Third,'" Nase said, completely ignoring the fact that I had just twice kicked her friend under the table, "'eliminate any outside distractions when you read. This way, you can completely focus on the work in front of you. A good story is one that will hold your interest even when there are a million other things going on. A bad story is one that can't even maintain your interest whenever there's nothing else to do.'" Nase placed her copy of the list down on the table. "These seem like simplistic enough guidelines and there aren't too many of them either. You both should be able to follow them easily."

I nodded. "It's true that there are a number of things that could be considered to make literature good," I said. It seemed even my physical violence couldn't get the duo to stop hanging on my every word. "I just kind of wrote down everything I like when I read, then I took out all the subjective stuff. I'd like to think that these are loose enough that you'll all be able to form your own opinions without feeling like you're checking something off of a list. In the end, maybe we can pull together a collection that we can all agree on, and our different opinions will balance it out."

Kuriyama nodded, having to push up her glasses afterwards. "I think I can manage this… Although I'm sorry that my reading was so unpleasant that you need to go through this trouble." She looked back to the list clutched between her hands, reading over the rest of the points.

"I still don't think my choices were that bad," Kanbara said. He tapped his list with a finger. "I happen to think about these sorts of things on a regular basis, you know! I don't just blindly accept whatever happens to be ink on a page in front of me."

"Well I sure didn't see that when I was reading over your selections," I retorted.

"Then you just got a batch from one of my off days!"

"By 'off days' you mean 'all days,' right, Akihito?" Nase added.

Even Kuriyama nodded in agreement. "Senpai really can be lazy. It's really unpleasant…"

Kanbara held his hands up in a form of surrender. "Enough, enough!" he said. "Yeah, fine, I may have half-assed it a bit, but there's just so much work we have to do when half of our club membership is constantly missing. Hell, the work load would be at least manageable if that brother of yours showed up more often, Mitsuki."

"Brother?" I asked before I could think about the word coming out of my mouth. I guessed that it was my turn to look to someone else for answers. "You have a brother, Nase? No offense, but shouldn't you be able to convince your own brother to show up to club meetings on a regular basis?"

Nase sighed, pouring herself some more tea. I hadn't been paying exclusive attention, but I felt like she was the one doing most of the drinking here. "I suppose I could convince him easily if I needed to," she said. "I just don't know if he would be any more productive than these two."

"You make it sound like you don't like your brother much." I really had no business in saying something like that, but if there was the chance of getting some extra help on this ridiculous project of ours, I would take it. Besides, Nase had imposed on my home life enough just to get this meeting together. I saw no reason that I couldn't impose on hers for a similar purpose.

Kanbara snickered. Kuriyama looked down at her lap and blushed.

"Putting that matter aside," Nase said, "I do believe we hoped to improve the quality of our selections." I had to hand it to her; she sure had made that transition sound natural. Since she was the president of this little shindig, no one questioned her motion, either. I guessed I would have to let her get away with it, too. "Is this handout the only thing that you wished to show us, Sugiyama-senpai?"

I shook my head, clicking my tongue for extra effect. I picked up the stack of anthologies I had brought back with me along with the tips lists and placed them on the table, creating ripples in our tea cups in the process. "I've already gone through these issues and made some preliminary selections. I figured that you could each pick an issue and see which pieces are good for consideration. We could talk about our reasoning, too. I'll accept any argument so long as it's well thought out."

Nase seemed bored as always, not even batting an eye. Kanbara had put a hand on his chin, hopefully in thought. Kuriyama looked back up, her eyes widening slightly when she noticed the stack of anthologies I was referring to.

"Sugiyama-senpai, you really read through all of those already?" she asked. I nodded, not finding a need to waste words. "Wow, you must read fast. I couldn't have gotten through that much material, even if I didn't have work to do…"

To be honest, the stack I had brought out was only a fraction of the anthologies I had read already. It had just been too much of a bother to bring them all out, plus it wasn't necessary in the first place. I would just keep that piece of information to myself, considering I still couldn't take that admiring look she was giving me. Besides, the truth of the matter wasn't really that pretty anyway.

"Alright, let's just get started," I said. My transition wasn't as smooth as Nase's, but they let it through anyway. "Pick a volume and get to reading."

e

All in all, the meeting ran a lot smoother than I had thought it would. We easily decimated the cookies that the Literary Club had brought with them, and my teapot was refilled more than once. When he was put to the test Kanbara seemed to actually be able to perform up to my standards, no glasses preference shown whatsoever. Nase had slightly different standards than I did, but she argued her cases well enough that I was willing to except them. Kuriyama was still in need of some work, but she was improving, so I had decided that this was enough and called it a day.

I tried not to make it sound like I just wanted them out of my house, but that was a large motivator as well. It was starting to get late, anyway. What if they had expected me to make them dinner or something? I didn't have the amount of material laying around for that.

I had a number of things left to take care of anyway. In all the commotion to set things up, I hadn't gotten my own personal writing done for the day, and I had been slacking as it was anyway, wading through the Literary Club's collection of anthologies. Not to mention there was still the stack of my homework waiting, and I had yet to keep up with my blog…

It wasn't the first night that I gave up halfway through all of that and just decided to fall asleep instead. There would be plenty of time when I woke up in the morning, and there was no point in racking my brain when all it really wanted was sleep.

I wasn't a fan of waking up in the morning with the imprint of my homework on my face, anyway.

f

"So it sounds like you finally joined the Literary Club," Ishikawa-sensei commented, a grin on his face. It wasn't customary for teachers to pester students while they were staying after school to finish their homework, but Ishikawa had never been conventional. We were just lucky that no one else had forgotten their assignments over the weekend, because then there would be all the more reason to drag attention onto me.

As if the incident with Kanbara hadn't been bad enough.

I made a pointed effort of finishing the particular math problem I had been working on before even rewarding him with a response. Besides, I didn't want to fall into the trick of ending up writing down what we were talking about. Having to do my homework after school because I had slept in was embarrassing enough.

"You should know that I don't count as a member unless I turn in a club application form, Sensei," I retorted. Math was so simple once you figured out the patterns. Had I really not been comprehensive enough to finish this last night? What had I been thinking? "For the record, I have no memory of doing so, so any one that you may have received is clearly a fraud."

"Well your underclassmen all seem to be under a different impression." I scowled a little, not in the mood to think about just how delusional two out of the three Literary Club members were. "If you don't have the intentions to join them, you should set them straight, Sugiyama-san. Otherwise who knows what else you'll get dragged into."

I spent nearly an entire minute pressing the lead of my pencil way too hard against the paper, making indents of the math problem on the next page of my notebook. I already knew that I lacked the social interaction skills to avoid caving into peer pressure. Sure Ishikawa probably wasn't trying to push that onto me, but it sure as hell felt like it.

"I already made it clear that I'm only doing a trial run to help them with their silly anthology project. And even then, they know there's no guarantee that I'll stick around the whole time." At least I hoped that I had made that clear enough. Their anthology came out more than once a year, right? I didn't want to be involved in this sort of mess again, especially since they would be looking for submissions the next time around.

Ishikawa sat down backwards in the seat of the desk in front of me. "Fine, fine, you've made your position on Literary Club membership clear," he allowed. As if I hadn't made it clear enough the last two years. If it was clear, why didn't he just leave me alone? "Let's talk about something else, then, Sugiyama-san."

"Let's not."

"So have you written anything good lately?"

Without even meaning to, I froze at the question. I tried to recover by returning to my homework, but where I was in the problem completely escaped my mind. I refocused, starting back up on the problem again, but his question was still in the back of my mind. Ishikawa didn't say anything else, just watched as I completed yesterday's homework.

I packed my bag and stood up, holding my stack of assignments out to Ishikawa. "I need to go to the club room and apologize to everyone for being late," I said. I managed to keep my voice detached. Good. I wasn't completely gone yet. "Would you be so kind as to drop these off to the faculty office for me? If it's not too much trouble, Sensei."

For the first time in my life, I wanted to know what someone else was thinking when they looked at me. I could navigate Ishikawa's moods well enough when he was joking with me, but every now and then I couldn't read his face worth shit. Even when he went to smile, I couldn't tell what was going on in that head of his. "Sure thing, Sugiyama-san, just be sure to tell the Literary Club I said 'hi,'" he said.

We both left the door at the same time, then we headed in different directions. If I was going to deal with this sort of thing every week, dealing with the Literary Club was going to be too much of a hassle. I could finish my trial run and see if things calmed down any, and if they didn't, I was out of there.

I almost walked away the instant I opened the clubroom's door. Each of the members had adorned a party hat, and streamers and balloons had been attached to the ceiling. There was even a cake in the middle of the table, untouched, but there nonetheless. The whole thing seemed to have been thrown together last minute, but it was still probably meant to be a party.

"Ah, she's here!" Kuriyama called out, blowing what little cover I had. The first year fidgeted, looking around for something, eventually picking up a noise maker off the table. Kanbara stood up as well, and even Nase had bothered to at least pick up one of the party favors off the table, sticking it in her mouth.

Kanbara and Kuriyama took a deep breath that was surprisingly in sync. "Welcome to the Literary Club, Sugiyama-senpai!" they shouted in unison, followed by the entire Literary Club blowing noise makers in my direction. I would have suspected that Nase wasn't a part of it if the paper end hadn't unfurled, a sure signal that she had least exerted some effort.

I was about to ask what they were even talking about until I noticed it. I had only been joking with Ishikawa-sensei earlier, but sure enough, there was a completed club application form sitting on the table, and my name was at the top. It wasn't my handwriting either, and I had no memory of filling out such a thing, so it was, indeed, a forgery.

Furthermore, after reading Nase's notes about the anthology over the past week, I could recognize her handwriting easily. I wanted to yell at her since I had obviously never asked for such a thing, and I had every right to tell the other club members that. Kanbara was apparently her childhood friend or something. Shouldn't he be able to recognize it without me spelling it out for him?!

It was stupid, but the looks they were giving me were what made me stop. Both Kanbara and Kuriyama seemed completely overjoyed by the prospect of my membership, and the shoddy icing work on the cake suggested that it was homemade. Looking at the club calendar on the wall, they had even replaced the normal agenda with Celebrate Kuriyama-senpai's membership!

I normally would have found the excess of exclamation marks annoying, but in this instance, they got to me.

So I sat down, ignoring the over-the-top cheers as I cut into the cake. I also ignored Nase, who appeared to be smirking, ever so slightly. I would let it go for now. It wasn't like I couldn't leave the club whenever I felt like it. They seemed to have a club-skipping epidemic going around anyway.

I let them have their little celebration, even if it really didn't seem like a real party anyway. They were celebrating something that didn't exist, a forged membership. The only person who had the right to feel accomplished was Nase for getting me stuck in this situation.

Catharsis

SECOND

Even the balloons couldn't change that.

[Mass Post 4]

Thanks to owlloveyou, Arthurmiel, Crazyt0p, Nadeshiko Aoki, Seijuro-kun, Shannyrox101, Noone 190, miaandB, anon (Guest), Shiroikarasu55, Ranguren, Harukawa Ayame, . , Chiina, Nightly Rowen Tree, shirokitty, and Sylanc for your favorites, follows, and reviews! This actually got a lot more attention than I thought... I'm really honored!

The next chapter will actually be posted later this week. Please look forward to it!

Next: THIRD

[POST 042515]