Catharsis
By: Aviantei
a
It's probably not a surprise in the slightest to anyone that I became enamored with reading at a young age.
For all my griping about them, my parents were pretty decent to me, and, before I'd even started preschool, I had a basic grasp on hiragana and could read without an adult around. Dad still took time in the evenings to read to me before bed, and he worked on teaching me kanji even while I was in the process of dozing off. Mom would take me to the public library on weekends, and, once I hit elementary school, I would check out books from that library, too. With all the practice I put in, I easily managed to surpass the average reading level for my age and spent a substantial amount of time with my nose shoved in a book, be it manga, novel, or anything else I could get my hands on.
There was something about the magic of words that drew me in every time, that would suck me into the hours it took to finish a book without a second thought. Even now, I can't get over the fact that a few measly lines on paper can bring so much meaning into existence.
Shit blows my mind, really.
Not even the high of managing to make something out of those very same words on my own will ever replace the sheer elation of reading for me. Even with everything else I've become so wishy-washy on, I'm damn certain of that much.
b
Once I'd settled down enough to stop having an immediate existential crisis (eating dinner helped, even if I didn't have much more than some leftover side dishes put on top of rice), I settled down to handle my homework. Reading the near entirety of club had spoiled me, but I left my bagful of anthologies in my bedroom and only brought my homework to the table. Who knew what sort of chaos would erupt if I didn't at least take that much precaution?
I'd made the most meticulous copy of Hiroomi's notes as I could to aid me in my homework journey, and that turned out to be an excellent decision. The guy might have been a distracted idiot with a sister complex to high hell, but he was in the prep class for a reason. I'd seen the way he carefully organized his points in full notes, and his marking down of the homework was perfect, with page numbers and all to annotate the assignments. Hell, he even had quick notes of what assignments would be best to handle first and reminder about a quiz coming up in Ishikawa-sensei's class next week that I wouldn't have even bothered to remember until the last minute.
Between that, his money, and how stupid good he looked in that scarf, he'd make a decent catch if it weren't for his crummy personality—though I guess he was at least less of an obvious pervert than Kanbara.
After snorting to myself for a few moments, I forced myself to get to work. A three-day streak of submitting my work on time seriously wasn't anything to get worked up over, but if I didn't throw myself at it with enthusiasm, it sure as hell wasn't getting done. On a whim, I found myself following Hiroomi's hints at what to tackle first, and it went smooth enough that I entertained the idea of asking for his notes every day before remembering that was way more annoying than it was worth. I even tossed in about fifteen minutes of studying for that quiz the next week before my brain begged me for surrender. My hand cramping due to all the intense scribbling I'd been doing, I rewarded myself with a nice bath.
But that wasn't even the best part of it, oh no. By some grace, I still had enough time to read before I should (reasonably) head to bed. Yes, the club anthologies were technically still work, but at that point I was pretty damn sure I deserved some sort of award for finishing up my homework without hassle. Never mind the fact that at least that much should be expected of a prep class student.
I'd take what little victories I could get. Just one anthology before bed, and I could take care of the rest after school the next day since we didn't have club to take up my valuable study time.
Famous last words, I'd discover, once my alarm went off to inform me that I'd spent the whole night reading and hadn't slept a wink.
c
"Sugiyama-san, wake up. Class is going to start in five minutes."
The gentle words were accompanied by a just as gentle shake of my shoulder, but I only groaned and tried to shrug the hand off. Was my desk the most suitable substitute for a futon and pillow? Hell no, but it was the safest place I could nap and not be late for the afternoon lectures since I didn't trust myself to wake up with enough time to get back to class. And, as much as my back was complaining about my slouched-over posture, I wasn't about to waste the precious five minutes I still had to get some sleep since my dumbass past self had decided that pulling an all-nighter on reading was an excellent life decision.
Too bad the voice didn't agree with me. "Sugiyama-san, you're not going to have much luck staying awake in the afternoon if you don't at least eat something for lunch. I brought you something, so humor me, alright?"
I clicked my tongue as I peeked through a gap in my brilliant arm pillow to see a blurry Hiroomi sitting at a nearby desk that absolutely wasn't his. In the hand that wasn't trying to rouse me from my well-earned slumber, his had a bag from the school store. Considering that I'd been far too exhausted to make myself a lunch, an offer of free food was understandably temping.
Too bad it also sounded like a trap—and an obvious trap at that
"What's the catch?" I asked, refusing to lift my head up like a polite person. As such, my words came out slightly muffled, but I liked to think my skepticism came through loud and clear.
Hiroomi shook his head, having the audacity to look exasperated. "There's no catch. Akkey and I just met up for lunch, and we had some leftovers from the store. I thought I'd offer." I blew a bit of hair out of my face, just so Hiromi could see me roll my eyes. He'd already bought me drinks and took me out for dinner; pardon me if I didn't see his latest act of altruism as innocent, especially since it tallied up to the third time for the week. "If I've done something to make you doubt me, Sugiyama-san, I'd like to know what I can do to fix it."
I'd noticed it before, but he really took on a more formal speech pattern when he was in the classroom versus the general company of the Literary Club—not full out keigo or anything, but enough to make the difference obvious. It didn't really help improve my impression of him, but maybe I was just being extra petty thanks to my lack of sleep. "Why do you care so much anyways?" I asked and pushed myself up, knowing that at this point it would be better to wake up at least a bit before our teacher arrived. "We've known each other for what? A week and some change?"
"Is it really strange to worry about one of my fellow clubmates?" Considering that he'd had an extended period of truancy from what I heard, the answer to that was yes. Taking advantage of my recently vacated temporary pillow, Hiroomi placed the school store bag on my desk. "All things considered, I'd like to think we're at least somewhat friends by this point. Though if you won't accept that, maybe it can be a gesture of appreciation for your help with the anthology, especially since you decided to take on that extra work load for us."
It wasn't too out-there of a gesture, even though it did happen to hit a little too close to home since I had, in fact, been a dumbass and pulled an all-nighter reading for the club anthology—not that I'd told anyone about that fiasco, let alone Hiroomi. Maybe you're being paranoid. He's just being nice, and he has money to burn; why not let him do it?
"Fine," I said, relenting and digging into the bag. I found a somewhat still chilled plastic bottle first, and its contents turned out to be coffee milk, which meant it had a very short lifespan as I chugged the entire thing's contents in what had to be a new personal best. "Thanks," I remembered to say before ripping open the croquette's wrapper and unceremoniously shoving the entire thing in my mouth, praying that the mix of sugar and caffeine would be enough to get me though the end of the day.
"You're welcome, Sugiyama-san," Hiroomi said, returning to his proper desk as the bell rang.
d
The provided rations did their work spectacularly, and my sleepiness vanished into the void for the entire second half of the day. Sure, it would come back to bite me, but that was no doubt a problem for future me. I was taking my victories where I could get them, dammit, and that just so happened to involve being glad that I'd not only lived through another school day, but I also had a mercifully light homework load to handle. Whether that meant I had a higher or lower chance of repeating my sleeping faux pas remained to be seen.
As soon as class left out, I gave myself time to stretch my legs (and my back—and my neck—my body was still rioting over my poor sleeping position). The first stop of the day was the closest vending machine, where I got myself another coffee milk to ensure I didn't pass out while walking home or something stupid. The second spot on my very short itinerary was the Literary Club room.
No, Nase hadn't invoked some absolute last-minute meeting on us or anything like that. I was going of my own free will, which was a shocker for me, too. Putting aside my aversion to the place, my all-nighter had yielded the result of me already burning through my stack of anthologies, thus needing more. Sure, I could've taken the out and let myself get away with hitting my self-established par, but the sooner I got through them all, the fucking better. So, playing honor student (like I was part of the prep class or something), I continued to sip at my coffee milk while en route to the club building.
It was a bit strange to head that direction without other students doing the same, but most cultural clubs at this school tended to be held on the same days; it wasn't just the Literary Club's off day, but most others', too. I wasn't about to complain, though, as that scheduling setup made it much easier to approach the board with the room keys attached. It took me a moment to remember the number since I'd already learned the location by familiarity, but it came to me after a few moments of squinting.
The fact that the room key was already gone helped out, as did the name in kanji written underneath it in a script that made dry erase marker look damn near elegant.
What's Kuriyama-chan doing up there, though? Oh well, that just meant I didn't have to worry about the hassle of locking the place back up if things went well. Adjusting my grip on my anthology-filled school bag, I started the trek up the stairs and pulled open the door once I got there.
"Sorry for the intrusion," I said, keeping my voice at a normal volume so it wouldn't startle Kuriyama. Despite my best efforts, though, Kuriyama still jumped. Though it tended to be her usual position during breaks, there was still something weird about seeing Kuriyama standing by the windowsill before her little bonsai plants. "Oh, do you come here to take care of the bonsai every day, Kuriyama-chan?"
"Senpai!" Kuriyama seemed to be on the verge of flailing, but her instincts must have kept her from tossing about her watering can. I couldn't help but wince at the idea of water flying everywhere in a room full of books. "I didn't expect to see you. Ah, no, wait, you asked a question… Yes, I usually come here to take care of the trees after school. I'm the one who brought them here, so I'd feel bad if I couldn't tend to them." Yup, that clocked out with what I understood about Kuriyama. Satisfied with the answer, I nodded and went to set my schoolbag on the table. "You usually don't stop by outside of club, Sugiyama-senpai." What a quaint way of saying I flat-out avoided the room whenever there wasn't a pressing need for me to be here. "Do you need help with something?"
"Nah, nothing that dramatic." I grabbed the stack of anthologies I'd blown through last night and pulled them out, taking a moment to count their spines. We'd replaced the lackluster agenda on the whiteboard with a chart of everyone's reading pars leading up to our deadline in a few weeks. Tucking the books under my arm, I grabbed a marker and started marking off my checkboxes, which naturally outnumbered everyone else's. "I just finished going over a bunch of these last night, so I figured I'd trade them out." If all else failed, I'd be sure to get through all the remaining anthologies and we'd be able to pull something together. Hell, I fully supported that idea just because if I took on that much work there was no way Nase could corral me into writing her stupid anthology introduction.
"Eh? You finished all those already?!" I had anticipated Kuriyama's shout and made sure I wasn't in the middle of using the marker to avoid any unfortunate marks across the board. Then again, if I hadn't, it would be an easy fix—actually, if I hadn't seen it coming, I'd be seriously questioning my observational skills. "You really are amazing, Senpai. I'm so glad we have you around to help."
It's really hard for me to deny it whenever you add a statement of gratitude at the end like that, Kuriyama-chan. Whatever, she and Kanbara would figure it out eventually. "At this point I just want to make it through the anthology without a major crisis," I said without much thought. Finished with the whiteboard, I went to shuffle out the volumes left in my personal pile (again, much bigger than anyone else's). In the volumes I had read, spare pieces of paper with my notes on them stuck out around the edges. "Besides, since I'm the one that went and said I'd read them all, I'd look stupid if I couldn't follow through on it."
I may not have wanted anything to do with this mess, but I wasn't the type of person who went back on their word—no matter what nonsense it got me caught up in. I guessed I hadn't learned at all.
When I glanced back to Kuriyama, she was still smiling. Damn, she really did look like an angel. Even if he was driven by his dumb glasses fetish, I had to admit Kanbara did have some taste. The only problem was that Kuriyama had to put up with it. "You say that, but I really do think you're reliable, Senpai. We wouldn't be able to make it through this without you. I'm pretty slow when it comes to reading but…" Her thin fingers fidgeted on the handle of her watering can. "Oh, I since I'm usually here for a bit in the afternoons, you can come by, too, Senpai. I'll be happy to keep you company."
An idyllic afternoon in a quiet clubroom, reading with Kuriyama around? That sounded like an oasis, really—but if I fell into the rhythm of that, there was no way I'd handle my schoolwork problem. What a shame.
"Well, I'm busy today, but I'd like that sometime."
It didn't make sense for Kuriyama to say something like that when she'd been the one to make the offer in the first place. Oh, but that would imply I'd been the one to say it. Yes, that's right. I must've blown a mental circuit. And even though I didn't mean to say it, it was still technically a promise, and pulling back on Kuriyama when she looked so excited would've just been cruel.
At the rate things were going I wasn't going to be able to say no to anyone in the Literary Club. No, no, I draw the line at Kanbara and Nase-kun. Who knows what those two perverts could do with that much power?
Kuriyama, oblivious to my inner strife, was glowing bright enough to spur on photosynthesis. Soak it up, bonsai trees. "Okay! Just let me know when you like! I can bring in some tea, too. Is there any particular kind that you like, Senpai? I'll get it, since I'm the one inviting you."
With the bundle of anthologies in my hand, I couldn't do much to wave her off, so I settled for shaking my head. "Don't worry about it, Kuriyama-chan. You don't have to." Part of me still felt guilty for mooching so much food off Hiroomi, even though he was rich and had offered in the first place.
Exhibiting a force I didn't think she had, Kuriyama leaned forward with a pout. "I insist!"
My resistance crumbled in an instant. "Fine, fine. I'm not picky about my tea, so bring whatever. But I'll bring snacks!" I added before Kuriyama could appoint herself the sole sponsor of our yet unscheduled get together.
"Alright, Senpai." Not even realizing I was having a fierce internal battle, Kuriyama agreed to my terms and conditions without so much as glancing at the fine print (not that I had any). "Just let me know when you want to do it. Of course, I'll be here anyways, so you can just come whenever, okay?"
"Yeah, sure." Satisfied by my agreement, Kuriyama at last turned back to her bonsai, humming a tune as she watered them. At last freed from the pressure of her pout, I reminded myself to breathe and went to put my fresh stack of anthologies back in my bag. So long as there wasn't anyone else around to cause a bother, I had another study date with my desk in store. I was about to give Kuriyama a farewell before I realized that I had a prime opportunity in front of me. "Hey, Kuriyama-chan?"
"What is it, Senpai?"
"I was curious. Before you mentioned that you ended up in the Literature Club because you wanted to read a book, right? Did you ever get your hands on it?"
Her fluffy hair bounced as she bobbed her head in a nod. "Yeah, I've been able to read through it. I've been using the gardening tips for all sorts of things. Though I haven't been able to try everything yet." For someone who didn't know much about the subject, I could only guess what Kuriyama's gardening plans looked like. Well, at least she had a productive hobby that didn't seem to be causing her stress.
But still.
"Well if you got to read it, why didn't you just leave the club afterwards?" Sure, our school encouraged participation in a club, but it didn't downright require membership. Even if she didn't want to formally resign, Kuriyama could've easily skipped like everyone else. And in the first place, the whole "book only club members have access to" idea sounded fishy. Had Kanbara come up with that as a lie just so he could recruit a cute girl with glasses? Or had it been Nase's idea, since it sounded like something she would come up with—what was the point? It was probably none of my damn business, but it'd been nagging at me more than I thought.
What are the four of you hiding from me?
Kuriyama had gone still for a moment. If I really wanted to, I could push harder, but I managed to pull back on the reigns of my sleep addled impulse control to keep my mouth shut. Kuriyama may have been the easiest target of the bunch, but that didn't mean I wanted to scare her.
"I'd never really thought of that," Kuriyama said, her already mousy voice coming out even softer than usual. "I guess that once I was here, I just ended up liking it enough to stay."
What a simple and pure answer.
She had no problem showing her vulnerable side. Unlike me, who would have rather taken a punch to the gut than open myself up like that.
"Right. Thanks for answering," I said. If That was a dumb question; just forget I asked wouldn't sound so damn suspicious, I might have actually said it. Though Kuriyama's back was turned, I still dipped my head in a quick bow. "I'm gonna get going now. See you at club tomorrow." My bag loaded up and secured in my hand, I turned on my heel to leave.
Kuriyama still called "See you tomorrow, Senpai!" after me.
e
Who do you think you are, acting like you're not doing the exact same thing?
f
My light homework load hadn't been a hassle in the slightest, though I'd started to lose some steam near the end of my physics assignment. The caffeine crash was coming back to bite me in the ass, but I'd survived. It wasn't even sunset yet. For the first time in a week or so, I would be able to go home in proper daylight.
Without any work to do at home, I stowed my assignments in my desk and only left the anthologies in my bag. With that done, I picked up my trash and headed out the door, resolving to get some real dinner. Cooking would be too much of a hassle, but maybe I could go grab something from the convenience store? With how drowsy I was starting to feel, I didn't trust myself to turn on the stove.
Trying to decide if I wanted to go the onigiri or the sandwich route, I made it down the stairs and was en route to the exit. Someone else was also heading out, but their lack of a school uniform easily indicated them as one of the teachers. Of course, even without that detail, I was pretty sure I would have noticed Ishikawa-sensei's familiar lopsided gait.
One instinct told me to stay out of sight, because I didn't want to deal with a lecture. Then again, I didn't think I'd done anything worth getting another lecture since I had been doing as told. His other staple of bothering me about joining the Literary Club was no longer on the table, either. Of course, he could still ask about my writing. Yup, plenty of reason to leave it be.
Intentionally hiding was asking for a disaster of me getting caught, so I just kept my pace normal and lagged behind. It would've been enough for me to stay out of sight if something hadn't fallen out of Ishikawa's hand—a thermos that hit the floor with a clatter. It didn't have anything inside to spill, but it did decide to roll right in my direction.
Ishikawa muttered an expletive that I agreed with wholeheartedly as he chased the mug down. I saved him the trouble and picked it up myself, resigning myself to my stupid fate.
"Oh, Sugiyama-san, thanks." Yes, yes, I'm Sugiyama. Ishikawa accepted his thermos and tucked it back under his arm. "I'm surprised to still see you here since there's no club today. Everything going alright? You seemed worn out in class today."
Ah, he'd managed to notice, too. No wonder I hadn't been called on for any answers. "Just didn't get much sleep last night." I refrained from telling him about how it had been reading club anthologies—he'd just get the wrong idea. "I've been keeping up on my homework, though. So maybe we can keep my parents out of it?" If I wanted to get out of this relatively unscathed, I had to pick a topic substantial enough to distract him.
Maybe he was feeling sorry for me, because Ishikawa took the bait. "So long as you keep up what you've been doing, we shouldn't have any problems. I'm glad you're starting to figure things out, Sugiyama-san. I was worried that you weren't doing so well."
"I guess I got senioritis early." That was a thing that happened, right? Sure, most people started to get worn down when entrance exams started to crop up, but maybe I was just ahead of the curve. If Ishikawa could accept a lame excuse like that, I'd take it. "Though I was gonna go home and get some rest. See you in class tomorrow, Sensei."
Making sure I did so as naturally as possible, I executed my tactical retreat out the front entrance. The May heatwave hit me all at once, and I ditched my jacket as soon as I could. Kuriyama was some sort of superhuman, wearing that cardigan when the temperature was turning against us. Then again, maybe I was just weak to the heat.
Just gotta pick up some food and get home. Then you can sleep and forget about how stupid today was.
I thought, as if I wasn't the stupid one.
g
Upon making it home, my brain decided that it didn't have any other worth than turning right the fuck off. Which, honestly? That was more than fine with me. Zoning out meant that I didn't have to think, and without any homework left there wouldn't be any repercussions. I passed the time snacking on my onigiri pack and flipping through my next couple of anthologies without really registering the characters.
In a complete travesty I didn't have the focus to even read, but I was so far ahead of the game that it didn't even matter. Since the first couple of volumes we'd reviewed, I could tell the club had increased the budget they put into printing, with all the pages looking like a slightly more refined version of the first few. Then again, I could have been overthinking it and they maybe had a member who happened to know something about book design on their side. It wasn't that far out of the ball park. At the end of the day, we were steadily edging closer to the present of our Literary Club time capsule.
You really are amazing, Senpai. I'm so glad we have you around to help, Kuriyama had said. I really do think you're reliable, Senpai. We wouldn't be able to make it through this without you. And while I didn't think her admiration was well-earned in any sense of the term, today had been the first time where I didn't feel sick when someone had said it. I had no idea what the cause of that lack of a reaction was about. Maybe it's because Kuriyama was so pure that she was acting in complete earnest, without a shred of deception in her. Oh, to be young and a first-year…
Giving up on my farce of an attempt to do something productive, I let the anthology fall shut and then rested my head on the table, staring at the stack of spines, their volume numbers clearly printed on the edge. About sixteen years' worth of students had worked together to get the Literary Club to fifty volumes, and we were carrying on that legacy. Despite being a farce of a club, Kuriyama and the others were trying to make it something worthwhile—even the standoffish Nase.
So where does that leave me?
Even with my name on the club registry, I still didn't feel comfortable calling myself a member. It felt better to consider myself an advisor of sorts, ready to help with the project—but then what? Would I really be able to just resign after all this? Even if I could, I wouldn't be able to pretend it hadn't happened, not with Hiroomi in my class. Kuriyama would probably be heartbroken if I did that, too, and I didn't want to responsible for that fallout.
What good does it do thinking about that far into the future?
We still had a few weeks until the end of the trimester, when our anthology was set to come out. I had better things to worry about in that timeframe, such as how we'd meet our deadline and whether I could maintain my grades for my deal with Ishikawa-sensei. When the damn book was out I could start making decisions. For then, I just had to do what I could manage.
Stay on top of classwork. Finish reading the anthologies and help make selections. Distract Nase enough that she didn't even remember her idea to make me write the introductory piece. Take advantage of the fact that club meant I got to appreciate a decently attractive guy in a scarf on a daily basis. Hm, maybe Kanbara was onto something when he tried to recruit glasses-wearing girls into club; I almost empathized with him, as scary as a thought as that was…
"Yeah, I think I can manage that," I said to myself, my voice already sounding half-asleep. So long as I focused on those tasks, I'd survive somehow. The first orders of business were taking a bath and getting some fucking sleep for once.
And after that, it was just focusing on taking care of what I did best.
Catharsis
SEVENTH
All I can do is sit and live in words.
[Author's Notes]
Holy crap it took me way longer than I thought to get this chapter out I apologize for any convenience (I say as if this fic hasn't had an abysmal updating pace as it is). I thankfully have some stuff queued up now, so you can count on Catharsis updating in this slot of the update loop in the future.
Thanks to AliceSekai, suzume27, Tora3, amgs, Darki1905, KookierThanFiction, bbymojo, and FanFanTheGalaxy for the favorites, follows, and reviews! Y'all are incredible, and I love reading your comments. Not only are they fun, but they're also great morale boosters as I fight with my poorly planned update schedules and all those stories past me decided were a good idea to start back in the day...but you guys aren't here to hear me gripe!
A funny story about the production of this chapter is that, as I was writing Sugiyama having sleeping issues, I also was having sleeping issues. I also was able to take a nap (which I never do) once she took a nap in class. My secret's revealed; I am clearly Sugiyama irl-
That being said, I got to get some good Hiroomi content in this, plus Kuriyama. Sugiyama needs a friend, clearly. Whether or not she'll let herself actually have friends is another issue altogether.
How will any of this nonsense go? Next chapter will keep moving things forward, so please look forward to it!
-Avi
[06.10.2019]