Catharsis
By: Aviantei
a
I know I've never said anything to confirm or deny this fact before, but I'll take the opportunity to say it now: I'm an only child.
Just me and my parents growing up, along with the occasional visit from some extended family now and again. No aunts or uncles on either side, so no cousins, either.
Sure, I'd tossed around an Onii-san or Onee-san or two as a kid, in the way you do when talking to strangers. Hell, I even had some people I looked up to enough to consider like an older sibling figure, but I'd passed on that phase quite a while back. And, even if I hadn't, there hadn't been a single person who'd ever gone ahead and called me Imouto straight to my face.
With that stupid amused expression.
Almost like he was challenging me to keep up my unnecessary practical joke from before.
Sister Complex Extraordinaire of the Literary Club: Nase Hiroomi.
b
To my credit, I didn't choke on thin air like Hiroomi had back on Thursday. I may have grimaced as a litany of curses raced through my mind, and I may have frozen stock still in the middle of reorganizing my anthology stacks, but I didn't choke. I'd have to accept that much success, even if it was minimal. Considering that my smart-aleck attitude had brought this stupid situation down upon me, I decided to keep my mouth shut of any snarky responses.
Hell, I'd even take the dumb rom-com BS over the mess I found myself staring down. "Nase-kun," I said, regretting that I'd already dropped the honorific off his sister's name and wouldn't be able to do the same to Hiroomi without club meetings becoming beyond confusing (and swapping her to Mitsuki so wouldn't be worth the temporary reprieve), "would you maybe consider not wasting Shindou-san's hospitality on unnecessary jokes?" I wasn't the type that could sugar coat my disdain with sweetness, but I sure could at least redirect his attention.
Too bad Hiroomi let out a chuckle that melted away whatever seriousness I was trying to put on. Not only did it sound nice, but the way he smiled, framed by the ever-present accessory of his scarf—I'd done almost everything I could to stay out of our class's social structures, but he was probably popular, wasn't he?
"Sorry, Sugiyama-san," he said, dropping the ridiculous referral. Despite myself, I let out a sigh of relief and slumped across the table. People were way too stressful, dammit. "You seemed so worried I thought I'd crack the tension." His smirk was gone, just back to that pleasant smile I'd suspected was something like his default.
"Right. Because you were so very composed whenever I said it in the first place." He'd given a surrender, but my remark was enough for him to look the slightest bit embarrassed. Who would've thought? Deciding that lingering on this topic was risky enough, I pushed myself off the table. "Well, whatever. Let's just go ahead and finish up what we came to do. What sort of stuff did you pick out?"
Hiroomi nodded, flipping open his first anthology to pull out what appeared to be his own notes. "Alright. Let's see, I started with…" Just like his sister, Hiroomi proved that he had a decent handle on what we'd talked about before, and it was a smooth process sorting through our choices. In fact, it was so smooth that I didn't realize how long we'd delved into discussing the works we'd picked, and by the time we finalized the last additions to my personal list, my stomach was insisting on dinner. We packed up our belongings and headed back to the room next to ours.
"Oh, hey, you guys are finally done," Kanbara said, nursing what had to be a fresh cup of tea, judging by the steam coming off the top. Kuriyama and Nase were also doing the same, and their work table was mostly clear of anything club related. "You guys sure took a while. How long does it take to pick out some stories you liked?"
That's rich coming from the guy you wouldn't stop going off on a tangent every five minutes, I thought. Hiroomi was much more diplomatic, saying, "Sugiyama-san was just making sure we had the best material available to us, Akkey. No need to worry."
"Well, it's settled, so that's what matters," Nase said, taking a drink from her teacup. It didn't quite suit her as well as a pack of snacks did. Letting out a contented sigh, she sat the cup aside. "We have everything taken care of for this meeting, Sugiyama?"
Already used to my de facto position as task leader, I adjusted my bag's strap on my shoulder and nodded. "I have the list of stories if we wanna look at them now. I'd rather everyone focus on narrowing the rest of the anthologies down, but it might help to know what we'll be dealing with next."
"We can take care of that on Tuesday. You should make copies for everyone so we can have it." Since I had a printer at home that could also copy, it wouldn't be too much of a hassle to take on that, so I let the latest task fall onto my shoulders without a fuss. Nase tapped her fingers along the edge of the table, her face composed in contemplation. "If that's it, let's be done for the day. Why don't we stop for dinner on the way home?"
"Yes!" Kanbara pumped his fist in celebration, and I thought I saw Kuriyama's face flicker in worry. "If we're going out, let's go get meat! I haven't had barbeque in ages."
"That's way too expensive, Senpai! Don't be so unpleasant!" Come to think of it, I hadn't heard Kuriyama throw out a How unpleasant! in a while. Seemed that she'd just been stockpiling them for when Kanbara deserved them.
As Kuriyama raised her tiny fist to deliver a halfhearted punch to Kanbara's side, Nase just watched, as per usual. "Well, you all did good work today, so let's call dinner a club expense," she said. From what I remembered, though, our school didn't have a system of giving out club funds for things like that. "Aniki, you just got your allowance, so cover the bill."
"Whatever you want, my precious sister!" Ah, what had I been panicking about earlier? Hiroomi had been way too calm about calling me Imouto to ever be serious. Yup, Sister Complex Extraordinaire of the Literary Club—absolutely terrifying. If he'd gotten his allowance, I was willing to bet Nase had, too, but who was I to argue? "Oh, are you going to come along, Sugiyama-san?"
I'd been expecting that my presence was assumed, but Hiroomi made it an option. Ever since I'd been dragged into the clubroom, there hadn't been much in the way of choice—let alone that half of that was my lack of backbone. Though, he'd asked, I could tell based on his tone that Hiroomi wanted me to come along, as did the others still seated at the table. And for all my complaining, I actually and honestly—
"Sure, I'll come."
—felt like I belonged.
c
We left the photo studio/café/magic mumbo jumbo/fortune telling/mishmash shop with Shindou waving us off, then we struck out on foot to get our dinner. Unlike the city where I'd grown up, the town wasn't too clustered in the evening, and we got a pretty nice view of the sun turning orange on the way. I'd half expected that, since one person was going to be footing the bill, we wouldn't go for barbeque, but sure enough we found all five of us clustered around the table. Though the heat off the central grill should have been uncomfortable in comparison to the growing humidity outside, but the scent of high quality meat starting to cook banished all concern in that regard from my mind.
Kanbara hadn't seemed to hold back when ordering, seeing as plates upon plates of meats made their way over to our table, but Kuriyama and I took a much more reserved approach. Something about the fact that Nase had volunteered her brother's wallet made me a little less wary of accepting his charity, but that didn't mean I wanted to make a habit of it. Besides, a few servings was enough for me.
Funny, how the simplest of things can remind you of others.
How you can feel like you're here and there at once.
How you almost forget who you're sitting with.
Who you're talking to.
Who you—
-2d
"Hey, Kazue, how about we—?"
e
With my stomach thoroughly stuffed with barbeque and Hiroomi in the process of paying our collective bill, I slipped out of my seat between Kuriyama and Kanbara and used the restroom. I'd had fun, but I'd started to space out partway through talking, and I was pretty sure my social batteries were shot for quite a while. Trying to get my head back in the game for just a little bit longer, I splashed some water from the sink onto my face and tried to ignore the slightly metallic face as some got in my mouth.
Surprisingly, my reflection didn't look like hell. In fact, I looked rested, if I had to say so myself—but that may have just been the result of me not wearing my glasses for the moment. I squinted, observing the sour face I was making: sharp green eyes narrowed in disgust, a scowl on my mouth, dirty blonde hair cut short, not even making it past my neck. Putting my glasses back on cleared up the image and gave the stark contrast I was looking for—my two-year-old frames against the person I'd become in my third year of high school.
Why do you bother thinking so much? All it does is get you into trouble.
I dried off my hands, sighing all the way, and headed back towards the table. Already, it seemed like everyone else had vacated, and Hiroomi was the only one left. I raised an eyebrow as I approached. "Is this a trap?" I asked.
"No, no, Mitsuki convinced Akkey to give up his wallet to the dessert fund. They're waiting outside. I just thought you'd appreciate having something waiting behind for you." He was right—though I'd appreciate Kuriyama-chan's presence more, if I had the choice. Then again, Hiroomi had been paying the bill, so it made more sense for him to stick around. As our server came back with the receipt, Hiroomi tucked away a tip that I decided to ignore the amount I thought it was. "You're obviously welcome to come along, Sugiyama-san, but you look like you need some rest."
"You're being considerate now. Trying to make up for your poor taste in jokes?" Not wanting to sit, I propped my hands on the back of the chair closest to me.
Hiroomi laughed. "If you'll give me a moment of immaturity as the oldest in the club, you're the one who started it." Well, I couldn't deny that fact. Hiroomi adjusted the ends of his scarf back into place, not once looking overheated from the grill in the table between us. "Though, I would like to ask a favor—with your permission, of course."
"Oh?"
"Would you let me read your fortune again?"
Of all the words my mind had conjured up as a possible response, those hadn't been one of my choices. "You didn't learn your lesson last time?" I asked, my voice only sounding half-biting. "For all you know, I'll end up spitting my drink on you again."
"I'm willing to take that risk, Sugiyama-san." Sugiyama-san. I'd been hearing that referral so much lately, I forgot how novel it really was. The right balance of familiarity and formal distance. Hiroomi ducked his head a bit, as if trying to mask him expression. "I'd like it if you humored me. In the end, it's your choice, though, of course."
My choice. He'd been emphasizing those words lately, like he knew they were the right thing to say—or maybe I was just reading too much into it since a growing sense of paranoia had started creeping up on me. What had even unsettled me so much in the first place? Hell if I knew—and I wasn't sure I'd like the answer if I dug into it.
"Nase-kun," I said before I could think better of it, "why are you so interested anyway?" He'd said it before, that we were clubmates, that we were friends, even. But to be honest, if I heard those damn words again, I didn't know what I'd do. Maybe I'd skip the spit take and just toss one of our leftover drinks in his face.
Hiroomi took a moment, considering his words much more carefully than I was. I expected another one of those distracted stares, but he gave me his full attention. "Sugiyama-san, I know you don't believe much in what my family does, but I promise there's a truth to it. I usually just check things for myself, but every now and then that means noticing things about people close to me and…" My tongue, still coated with the gross taste of the bathroom tap water, stuck to the roof of my mouth. "I just want to check something. To make sure."
His voice was sincere. So sincere, I started to regret my questioning. I couldn't even bring myself to ask what he was talking about—I may not have believed in the power of fortune telling, but he did. He'd given me a choice, too. So, in some sense, depending on what I said, I'd be choosing something entirely different—like the type of person I wanted to be.
"Alright, fine. But let's stop taking up table space and move somewhere else."
f
Unlike our extravagant dinner for a quintet of high schoolers, dessert consisted of convenience store ice cream and popsicles. On one hand, it seemed like a downgrade, but no one could blame Kanbara for not having as big of pockets as our resident rich kids. Nase enjoyed her cherry popsicle without any sign of remorse, and Kuriyama and I (both thoroughly still stuffed) split an ice cream sandwich down the middle, watching the sun sink the sky down into the darkness of night. With the first pinpricks of stars forming above, the Literary Club went our separate ways for the evening.
Save for me and Hiroomi, that was.
Why did I agree to this again? I thought, following him under the streetlamp lit streets. The dark pushed away some of the heat of the day without making it too uncomfortable, and I'd honestly forgotten the last time I'd taken an evening stroll for fun. It'd be better if my common sense hadn't kicked back in and told me that fortune telling was stupid. Nase Hiroomi was stupid. It was easier if I blamed it on the scarf instead of my own lapse of judgement.
"Oh, how about here, Sugiyama-san?" Hiroomi stopped and pointed a finger to a miniature playset along the side of the row, complete with swings under the pale colored lights. I'd noticed that we were wandering close to my apartment, but he wasn't using the opportunity to cheese the 'you're not allowed to walk me home' rule. "I'd say we don't have to worry about this being too public, right?"
"Yeah, yeah, it's fine." I didn't expect too many people from our school to be out and about on a Sunday evening in such a quiet town, but I'd wanted to stay away from the restaurants regardless. I may have been adjusting back to engaging with others in the Literary Club, but I still didn't want to be on anyone else's radar if I could help it. Hopping onto the woodchip foundation, I crossed over to the closest swing and plopped myself onto it sideways so I was facing the one beside it. "I assume you're gonna do that holding hands thing again? Let's take care of this so I can go home and keep my sleep schedule in order." A four-day streak may not have been much of a streak, but it was still one-fifth of the way to a habit, dammit.
Hiroomi complied to my impatience by taking a seat in the empty swing, though he sat on it properly and twisted it so we were facing each other. "I don't plan on keeping you out here for much longer, Sugiyama-san. But, yes, I'll be doing the holding hands thing again, if you'd be so kind."
He already had his eyes closed, like he trusted me to comply. I, a total sucker, did just as expected, linking our fingers together as gingerly as I could and letting my eyelids flutter shut. Hiroomi adjusted his grip a little bit but didn't insist on holding on tighter or anything. We near-meditated together for what seemed like a minute or two, and I could hear his soft and even breaths.
The night was warm, woodchips beneath my tennis shoes, and the sensation of our fingers linked together, as if forming a bridge across a distance I kept insisting I didn't want to cross.
"I wasn't wrong."
The words were a near whisper, and I might have missed them if the world hadn't been so quiet. Taking Hiroomi's words as permission to open my eyes, I did just that, disconnecting our fingers with more care than necessary. "Wasn't wrong about what?"
"Ah." Hiroomi blinked back to himself, acting very much like I wasn't supposed to hear his last remark. If he even attempted to pass it off as nothing, I'd deck him. "The last time I read your fortune, I thought I saw a certain path. But recently, I thought that might be changing, so I…" For a guy that was so brazen about declaring his undying love for his little sister, he sure knew how to beat around the bush. "I just wanted to make sure nothing drastic was happening."
"Like what exactly?" I asked, still sounding deadpan, but that was mostly the tiredness of a long week kicking in. In that moment, I'd chosen to at least listen, because that was something that a classmate, a clubmate, and maybe even a friend would do. "You talk like you want me to believe you, but then you won't tell me anything. How exactly is that fair?"
"I don't think you'd believe me if I told you." That wasn't the first time I'd heard that line. I caught Hiroomi in a solid stare and started to rock from my heels to the balls of my feet and back, as if my off-kilter swinging was a sign that I wasn't about to budge on the matter. Hiroomi shook his head and shrugged in a manner that said If you insist. "Since you like fiction so much, Sugiyama-san, I assume you're familiar with the idea of branching timelines?"
I nodded; back in my prolific days, I'd even attempted a few of those myself. "Every choice opens up a new alternate timeline where the other choice or choices happened instead, and that makes its own history." Applying that idea to fiction could turn into a fun thought exercise, but putting that logic onto your own real life stories just ended in a lot of mixed feelings. "What, you gonna tell me you can predict good ends and bad ends?"
"Well I wouldn't put it exactly like that…" His nervous smile told me that I wasn't the only one to think up the analogy, though. He held up his hands in a gesture that suggested he was looking at some timeline map. "In these short readings, I can get a glimpse at what some of the possibilities are. Some people have more stable paths, no matter what the different options in their lives are; yes, their decisions will create infinite other possibilities, but for the most part, they won't have anything too upsetting to worry about.
"And then there are people whose futures, well…" He dropped his hands back to hold onto the chains of the swing, but I thought I got his general idea. "The best way to put it is that they have big fluctuations that can make things very hard to read in the long run, let alone give advice for. Izumi-nee-san and our parents have a bit more experience than I do, so they're better at it than I am, but still."
I filed away the referral to a sister of the older variety for way later when I had time to process the Nase family tree proper. "So what you're trying to say is that I'm one of the latter people." Someone whose path in life and future was so fucked up it fluctuated from possible good to possible bad. "What an annoyingly accurate guess," I muttered, though my heart wasn't in it.
"Sorry, Sugiyama-san, I overstepped a bit. I really don't have enough training to go ahead and tell you something like this, especially because I can't handle it fully yet—"
"Oh, hush, I asked for it. Besides, how is freaking out about someone's future supposed to make them feel any better?" And he called himself a fortune teller from some fancy bloodline. Sheesh. I dug the soles of my shoes into the woodchips, halting my swing and leaning against the chain behind me, arms crossed. "People are gonna come to you for help and advice, not some panicking fool. Besides, you seem to be forgetting that I don't believe you in the slightest. You could tell me I'm gonna die tomorrow while crossing the street, and I'd still walk to school and back."
"Sugiyama-san, you really shouldn't tempt fate like that—"
"Besides," I emphasized, bulldozing over Hiroomi's feeble protests in a way that made me feel just a bit like Nase, "you're doing this because you wanted to check in on me, right? So I'm pretty sure—" for some stupid reason, I was sure "—that if you seriously thought I was in danger, even if it was because of some meaningless thing or another, you'd do something about it. Or am I wrong, Nase-kun?"
I intentionally kept my glare up for a few extra beats, just so he wouldn't give me some kneejerk reaction. Though he was watching me again, it wasn't with that distant yet focused stare, but a look of genuine shock and surprise, as if I'd said something he hadn't expected. Once I was satisfied with the amount of silence that had stretched out between us, I went back to shifting myself from side to side, releasing a faint squeak from where the chain connected to the swing set's support.
I might have been wrong, but, in the light from the streetlamps, Hiroomi almost looked…happy?
He cleared his throat, dipping his head enough that his chin became buried in his scarf. "You're not wrong, Sugiyama-san."
A sound not unlike a choke started to well up in my throat, but I refused to let it out—it didn't matter if he was a walking moe hazard, I wasn't about to let him know my stupid weakness when he was in a prime position to exploit it. I kicked up some woodchips, though they didn't go very far. "Well then," I said, refusing to look him in the eye, "I guess there's nothing to worry about then, is there?"
That time, I couldn't disconnect myself from the moment, no matter how hard I tried.
g
Apparently all it took to knock some sense into my stupid brain was to reach out, grab onto the ends of Hiroomi's scarf—and yank it hard. Hiroomi lost his balance enough that he almost toppled out of his swing, and I managed to abscond while he was dusting woodchips off his pants and loosening the accessory turned impromptu noose from around his neck. I couldn't quite bring myself to completely abandon him, though, so I stood by the roadside and waited for him to catch up.
"I'm assuming that walking you home is still off limits," Hiroomi said with a smile, as if I couldn't have just murdered him in a park with no witnesses.
"That it is," I said, kicking at the sidewalk as if I hadn't thought it would be a shame to waste my daily scarf resource over something so poorly considered. "However, you're free to accompany me partway. Just in case there are any rampant cars barreling through the streets at night, waiting to hit me."
Hiroomi shook his head, but I could still see the upward curve on his lips. "You really do enjoy tempting fate, don't you, Sugiyama-san?"
"What can I say?" I shrugged before folding my hands back behind my head. My bag bounced against my spine. The air had started to turn the slightest bit nippy with the sun down, but it would be right back at unbearable humidity tomorrow when I was in uniform, so I'd take the reprieve. "If I spent all my time worrying about stuff like destiny or whatever, I'd never go ahead and try anything for myself. It wouldn't seem like there was a point in putting in the effort." Then again, my effort had been piss-poor for the past month before I had to deal with club anthologies and ultimatums from my teachers. I could at least say that I had somewhat improved?
"I can't tell if that point of view is supposed to be optimistic or pessimistic."
"It's not like naming it will change what it is." Maybe I shouldn't be tossing around ideas like that when I loved all the little subtleties of language, but perhaps some things were better off without any labels slapped on them. With my fuzzy peripheral vision, I glanced over at Hiroomi. "Let me guess. A fortune teller's gotta take ideas like 'fate' and all that seriously, huh?"
Hiroomi hummed, putting a hand on his chin in thought. "While I suppose that works out best when you think about it, I won't say that fate always means that something will be set in stone." I found myself nodding in agreement. Onmyoji and the like wouldn't be much use if they couldn't predict a bad outcome without also letting someone know how to avoid the mess. "Even still, I believe that some things like that do exist. Bonds and paths of fate that can't be broken."
Even I had to admit that was a pretty poetic line; for a second, my heart felt like it skipped a beat—I'd have to remember that one if I ever got back to putting together anything cohesively resembling a story. Though if he said anything even vaguely romantic, I really would go for it and strangle him in plain sight.
"I mean…" Hiroomi's lips parted, and I glowered at him as hard as I could—not that he noticed as his face shifted to that look of pure bliss that I knew all too well. "Don't you think that Mitsuki and I were destined to be siblings? I couldn't have had a more perfect little sister if I tried! Whatever god decided to bless us with our familial bond has been far too kind to me. I've probably used up all of my karma. Sugiyama-san, do you think I'll even reincarnate as a human in the next life? Surely not, right? Oh, but if Mitsuki's still my little sister, I'll be fine!"
Oh, you'll reincarnate as something alright, Mister Sis-Con. I was used to Kanbara going on passionate rants, but maybe that seemed a little less out there since he had a somewhat rational fixation on glasses, which I had zero room to judge on. Deciding that putting at least an arms' length between me and Hiroomi wouldn't be such a bad idea, I scooted over to the edge of the sidewalk and kept my gaze straight forward. "Listen, I dunno if you've realized, but that little sister of yours that you fuss so much about is kinda rude."
Hiroomi gasped, and I was partway hoping that he'd consider my words as heresy enough to bail out on me early. Instead, I got the opposite effect, which meant he doubled up on his argument. "You don't understand Mitsuki's true nature!" he declared, and I hadn't seen him ever look so worked up about anything. "Yes, she's standoffish around others, but she does have her soft moments. When she was younger, she used to call me 'Onii-chan' all the time, you know? Ah, those were the days."
"And when was the last time that happened?"
"Admittedly, it's been about five months." Of course, he's keeping track. Why wouldn't be keep track? "But that scarcity is what makes it so special when it does happen."
"You're hopeless." I ran a hand down my face, wondering just when I'd turned into the tsukkomi in this damn friendship. "Too bad for you, though. Even Kanbara gets to enjoy glasses more regularly than you get to indulge in your nonsense." I, too, had the benefit of a scarf-wearer sharing my class, but I wasn't about to expose myself like that.
"Well I do get to bask in Mitsuki's presence at home at the bare minimum, so that's more than enough for me. Though I will admit, it would be nice if she didn't call me something vile like Aniki all the time." What a fool; Aniki was clearly the coolest of the older sibling referrals. Hiroomi snapped his fingers, drawing my attention back to him. "I should thank you for the other day, though, Sugiyama-san. I'm pretty sure you're an only child, but your 'Onii-chan' has a convincing deliver—gghk!"
Without hesitation, I had swung my (very full and heavy thanks to a few dozen anthologies) bag into Hiroomi's gut, sending him doubling over in pain. Not even bothering to look back, I kept up my walk and dropped by bag back over my shoulder. "Go home, you pervert."
Despite my sharp tone, something akin to embarrassment and shame sent a rush of heat to my cheeks.
Catharsis
NINTH
What business do you have teasing me like that? It's unfair.
[Author's Notes]
Happy New Year everyone! I'm sending you all best wishes for 2020!
Thanks to the Anonymous Guest, Valen Gonclavez, abbydobbie, oceanwanderer, sleepylittleprince, and Miki (guest) for the favorites, follows, and reviews! I really love seeing everyone's comments and thoughts, so I'd feel honored if you continue to give me your support!
On that note, as an answer to one guest reviewer's question, this story starts around mid/late May, and we're almost at the beginning of June in terms of timeline. If you're to compare it to canon, it would be after the first arc, so Mirai has officially joined the Literary Club and they've had the fight against the Hollow Shadow and Beyond the Boundary!Kanbara. This story is slightly AU, so some events will vary, but the general concept is about the same. We'll get more into those details later, though!
Alright, now to delve into this chapter! I keep slowly inching into some fluff, but Sugiyama doesn't want anything to do with it. Some of my favorite things is writing Hiroomi's dialogue knowing what's going on in his head while Sugiyama is clueless, heheh. Hopefully you guys are enjoying what we've got going down here. I'd recommend paying attention to Hiroomi's fortune telling. ;)
In any event, this chapter is brought to you by my fanfic anniversary/holiday celebration, so it's an extra - which mean you guys will actually see chapter ten this upcoming Saturday. Please look forward to it!
-Avi
[01.01.2020]