Hi, everyone! Back at this story.

I had originally planned to just keep making one-shots, but then I decided against it because it would be a lot of trying to figure out which stories lined up together. You'd more than likely have to dig in my profile, and I just want to make it as easy as possible to access this work.

Please do let me now what you think! Reviews are never expected, but they are always appreciated.

gravel roads and grasping for air

"He still alive back there?"

I feel a hand lightly slap me on the face. My eyes are heavy, taking everything out of me to open them. I wince as we hit a speed bump.

Two-Bit snarls at Steve, "Wouldya drive slower?" But all Steve does is press harder on the gas, speeding around cars that are going the speed limit, and honking at cars that pass him.

I feel another hand wipe my hair out of my eyes, and I'm forced to open my eyes again. It takes me a moment to realize that I'm sitting in the backseat of Steve's truck, still huddled close to Darry's chest, while he's got an arm wrapped around me for stability. Pony sits next to me, watching me with terrified eyes, and I know he's fighting back tears.

I know they're glad I'm alive. I only wish I could share their warm gazes, their kind words, their worried footsteps.

Darry and Pony move with me as I fight to get away. My body is stone-cold, but I'm burning. I don't want them to see that I'm burning, losing control. They've seen too much already. I can't risk this; I can't risk their pain again.

"Stop, Soda, stop," Darry's voice mixes with Pony's "You're okay, you're safe." But I know I'm not safe. I know they're not safe. I know I would rather be at the bottom of that fucking river. It's what I deserve.

I give up in my struggle, facing the fact that I can't win..again, and I start sobbing. Darry's arm tightens around me.

"You should've let me drown!" I scream, and he shushes me, but there's no point in stopping my disappointment. "I...I don't..."

Darry and Pony share another look, and I see that gaze for what it is.

They're happy. They're elated.

But they're also scared out of their fucking minds.

"I don't want to be here."

Those words cause Darry's tough mask to fall. Pony stares at me, aware that I'm growing tired. Darry's chest is shaking, telling me that he's trying not to cry in front of the rest of the gang.

My eyes close again. My body feels heavy. I can't make them kill me, but maybe this pain in my ribs, the way my heart slows, or the migraine in my head will do just that.

"They gotta take him, Dar."

Steve's voice brings me back to the present. Back to this hospital, back to this painful realization that my younger brother just tried to kill himself. Back to an unconscious Soda laying in my arms, his head on my shoulder like he's a baby again.

God, if only we could go back in time.

I stand before a trio of nurses, who are watching Two-Bit, Steve, and Pony with a curious look in their eyes. One of them moves towards me, and I immediately back up, suddenly aware that Soda's body weight is now combined with my own. I nearly collide with Two-Bit, who glances at Soda, and then Pony, and then back at me.

"Darry," Pony's panicked gaze meets mine. "He's gonna be okay."

I feel my heart break even more. I should be saying that to him. I should be at his side, holding him, rubbing away his tears.

But here I am, with our middle brother in plain sight.

My brain chooses to give him over, but my hands don't respond. Two of the nurses move him from my arms, and my entire world feels like it was just stripped away. As if the floor beneath my feet has faded and I'm falling through with no one to catch me. I slowly fall to my knees, and Pony holds my head in his hands as I start crying.

Is this how he felt?