I'm just really enjoying this story, I guess. I hope you are too!

As always, review if you wish. I appreciate them immensely!

warning: mentions of suicide and depression. please read at your own risk.

pain vs. pride

I'm a disgrace to the Curtis name.

I have always been second-best in my family. Pony strives in school and Darry holds his own, even when he's struggling inside. Dad was a twisted son-of-a-bitch who I wanted to rip apart with my bare hands. Momma was a saint, a loving mother who died too soon.

Their memory haunts me. The image of their death, seeing that car crushed to nothing but blue paint, haunts me on this fucking operating table.

Yet again, the world moves in slow motion, and I think I'm too drugged up to realize they're doing shit to me. But I suddenly feel tugging, muttering, beeping, and every muscle in my body tightens. The beeping noise gets louder, faster, more intense.

It's then that I realize something is holding my eyes shut. Something is shoved down my throat, and I feel my chest rising and falling, but I'm not in control. It's not the first time I'm not in control, and something tells me it won't be my last.

"He's waking up," I hear someone in the distance, and I can feel their gaze turn on me. Hell, I can feel everyone's eyes turn on me.

I feel another pump of whatever drug they're using seep into my skin. Instantly, my body loosens and the beeping slows to a dull hum.

And I cease to exist in that moment.

If only I could stay in this moment forever.

Footsteps sounding at the end of the hallway bring my heart to my throat.

He's dead. He's fucking dead.

I look back over my shoulder. Darry and Pony are exactly in the same spot that I left them: Darry's leaned against a chair with his face turned towards the ceiling and Pony's head is in his lap. Ponyboy is fast asleep, and Darry's eyes open and close with every breath he takes. I can tell he's trying really hard not to pass out; after all, he's the only one that can get information about Soda. Casting a glance to their right, I see that Two-Bit has fallen asleep as well.

"Are you a family member of Sodapop Curtis?"

I whip my head around and a nurse stands before me. She eyes me carefully, calculating if I'm a thug or a worried friend. Something tells me she believes both at the same time. "I'm not," I admit, knowing that my lying would just make things worse. "But I'm his best friend."

Her eyes grow sad. "I'm sorry, sir. I can only give updates to a family member."

"I'm practically family!"

The sadness in her eyes freezes over. She looks past me, taking in the three sleeping bodies, and a small smile grows on her lips. She avoids my gaze and steps around me. "If any of you can hear me, I have an update."

Darry lights up like a Christmas tree, jumping to his feet. He moves so fast that Ponyboy doesn't have the time to catch himself before he flops onto the floor. I stifle a laugh as the youngest Curtis brother glares at the oldest, rises to his feet, and mutters a quick "fuck you" just as the nurse reaches them.

"Are you actually" —I can feel her glariing at me through that long brown hair— "family members?"

"We're his brothers." They say simutaneously.

I allow my eyes to drift over to Two-Bit. He's got drool running down the side of his mouth, and I grimace at the sight. I saunter over to him and nudge his shoulder, but no response—not even an eye twitch. I nudge him harder—still nothing.

I lean down so I'm directly above his face. "Two-Bit, you son of a bitch," I say loudly, "wake the fuck up!"

After a long moment of silence, his eyes slowly open. I watch as they fall onto me, and I grin as his pupils dialate and he launches out of his seat, our foreheads smacking together. "Motherfucker," Two-Bit curses, but there's definite laughter in his voice.

"Wanna go have a smoke?"

He looks past me to where Ponyboy and Darry stand with the nurse. Something flickers in his gaze. He doesn't say a word to me, just passes by me and exits the hospital. I eagerly follow, wanting to get away from the depressing news that's probably being relayed to Darry and Pony.

Two-Bit's already got a lighter out and wiggling a cigarette between his lips as he says, "He dead?"

My lungs about collapse into my chest at his question. I lean forward to access the lighter. The cancer that flows into my body is enough to steady me. "I don't think so."

His only response is a grunt. In the quiet, I hear him mutter under his breath, "Don't you dare leave, Soda. Don't you dare."