warning: depiction of a suicide attempt. please read at your own risk.
Sorry I left y'all hanging!
-endless
a lot on my mind
My parents stand on either side of me. I'm on that bridge, in the rain, the headlights of the truck providing more light than the streetlights ever could. The dread flooding my body is familiar. The rain is soaking through my skin all over again. My heart pounds in sync with everyone else's, and I don't want to look at this anymore. I look to Dad, who watches my brothers with a grim look on his face. Then Momma grabs my hand and leans her head on my shoulder.
Holy shit. I know what we're looking at. I know what we're about to see...what we're about to feel.
I'm watching myself die.
"Soda, come down here!"
"We can talk about this..."
"Come on, man! You're gonna be fine."
"I love you, Soda." My mother stiffens beside me at Pony's small voice pounding above the rain.
And then I'm running, racing, fighting to catch myself. I'm pushing past any obstacle in my way, blinded by the rain, but it's too fucking late. Dad grabs my wrist and pulls me close, hiding my face in his shoulder. I flinch as their screams pierce the air and hit the ground, scattering across the bare Earth. Momma embraces me from behind, and I can feel their bodies shaking, as if they've never seen this before. As if they have never replayed this moment in their minds, but maybe they have, and maybe that's what I'm meant to do.
Everyone stands there for a solid minute, unable to breathe, unable to process, unable to feel. I move out of my parents' arms and walk over to my brothers, who stare right through the bridge, as if they can see my body floating below. I face Darry and wipe hair out of his eyes, feeling the sensation of defeat in my heart, in my lungs, in my mind.
They move as one, screaming my name, crying, out of breath. Steve falls on his ass and slides down a hill. Two-Bit flings himself off of an overhanging branch, landing in rocks. Pony keeps screaming for me, and he starts going for the water, but Darry's already flying in. Steve holds Pony back and Two-Bit moves in front of them, as if to hide the scene from my baby brother. Pony's sitting in the cool rocks, the water lapping at his jeans, his face in Two-Bit jacket. Steve stands over them both, his eyes searching for any signs of life.
I'm feeling everything all over again. The drowning; the pull at my waist; being hauled above water; being dragged along the rocks as they all argue over Darry risking his life to save mine. The CPR being performed. Their bodies pressing against mine. Pony's voice in the distance, even though he's really right in front of my face. Being pushed on my side; Steve slamming his hand, and apparently his elbow, into my back. The water rushing out of my mouth, Darry cooing me like I'm a baby. Two-Bit's jacket being thrown over me, and then, finally, Darry carrying my soaking body up that fucking hill...
Momma and Dad hold me as I fall apart.
What the fuck have I done?
"It's up to him now."
I haven't been paying attention to the doctor until right now. I turn my head and focus on Steve, Darry, and Pony, who stand in a ragged circle with the doctor and an assistant.
"You can't do anything more?" Pony asks desperately. Darry's gaze rests on the floor as he pulls his baby brother close.
The doctor sadly shakes her head. "I'm sorry..." Her eyes show more remorse than her words ever could. "Your brother will come out of the coma in his own time." She reaches out and squeezes Ponyboy's arm in a gesture of comfort, and then leaves without another word.
From my vantage point at Soda's bedside, I see Steve put one hand to his face and wipe harshly at his eyes. Pony simply leans into Darry, who stares at me from above Pony's head. Our eyes lock, and I know that he's hoping Soda grabbed my hand or something. But when I shake my head, his gaze breaks from mine, as if he can't stand the sight of his younger brother any longer.
I look at Soda, perfectly still in his bed. My hands tighten around his left, and I'm cursing at God to bring him back. To stop the suffering of his brothers, his best friend, and hell, even me. His machines push life into him, and even if he's breathing on his own, we've still got a long, long way to go. I have to believe that Soda will live. I look beyond the room to the outside world, and I see a streetlight flickering in the parking lot.
If there's ever enough love in the world, it's here in this room. And something tells me that we're breaking the world record for crying, for hoping, for sleepless nights. For the desire for Soda to come out of this, even if he's not all there.