aaaah i'm back!

thanks for all the love on this whole story, but especially Chapter 15. it means so much to me! we've got a long Soda part this time. hope that's cool! if you'd like longer chapters, i can try my best. :)

i wasn't sure how it would be received to be honest. i couldn't find that level of "gushy cute brother reunion" and "descriptive hell," tried my best to combine them, but it's not entirely how i'd hoped. i just decided to upload it anyway because i know y'all were probably squirming with anticipation!

also super sorry that these literally aren't paragraphs but like, two-line to three-line snippets. something tells me that this ups the intensity, but hey, i don't know a lot hahah!

hopefully, this one is better.

here's more love. :)

-endless

tell me why

Do we let him go?

I know that's the question in the entire hospital. And I know that they're throwing "why the fuck would we do that?" "this is fucking nuts," "he'll be in a better place," "nononono" at each other telepathically. It's what I expected; what I figured would happen.

My parents stand there, watching me writhe and kick at my own memories. They don't move to help, to keep me in their warmth and comfort. It's like they know I'm fighting myself, crawling, grabbing, holding onto them in my mind. The black shroud of Vietnam looms above me, and I'm dying from the smokescreen, but I won't let it win.

It can't. As much as I want it to hold me, it can't. As much as I want it to bring me solace, bring me a pain free life in the clouds, in the safety of my parents arms, it can't. As much as I find comfort in my own death, I have to live. As much as I want to die, I have to live. As much as I've already disappeared, faded into a fraction of a memory, I can't.

The darkness comes at me from behind, and it pulls me into a world I've tried to escape. Memories of Vietnam, the gunshots, the scars, the prisoner of war come back to me. The pain of the guns, the lashes, the starvation, force me to my knees. It cascades and swirls around me, seeming to tighten like a snake. I brace myself as the memories come for me again, and I shut my eyes against the intense pressure that flows through my body.

Somehow, I'm catapulted straight out, and I feel the pain in my four destroyed ribs. I feel every inch of pain in my body - the IV shoved into my hand, the gauze and tape that should be melded with my skin, the scars that throb in my chest and in my neck. The way I try to open my eyes, but the moment I do, the bright overhead light blinds me and I let them fall shut again. I don't need my eyes to know that they're all here, but not even looking at me. I don't need my eyes to know that Pony is on my right and Steve is on my left, holding my hands with gentle ferocity.

They're all staring at my lifeline. One pull and I'm gone. One pull and I'm in a better place. One pull and I get my wish. I've failed them...again.

"I love you," Two-Bit blurts. Steve, Darry, and Pony echo his words.

My voice is totally raw, and pain tears at my throat as I try to get their attention. "Hi."

Darry turns his head, and my heart soars that he heard me. It's hard to breathe as he looks away.

"Hi," This one is quieter than the last. I know they're going to pull my life support, and my body grows cold at the thought of going back to my destruction. But then Pony looks at me, and I see the change. I feel his confusion, his disbelief. I feel him nudge Darry, who doesn't tear his eyes away from the wall. I hear Steve shuffling in his seat on my left, and Two-Bit whispering for him to shut up. I silently will Pony to force Darry to look at me, but all he does is turn towards me. At this point, I'll take what I can get.

My hand is moved up to Pony's face. I smile inwardly at the feel of his baby-soft skin against mine and the way he gently asks, "Am I dreaming?"

Two-Bit takes a breath to answer, but I beat him to it. "Hi, Pone." And my broken chest puts itself back together as Darry finally looks at me from behind Pony. "Hi, Dar." I feel Pony drop my hand and let it fall on his arm.

But then my chest shatters upon Pony saying, "He's not here. Tell me he's not here... Tell me just pulled the cord. Tell me we just killed him."

I will myself to raise my hand, and my muscles scream at the movement. I hold Pony's chin and force him to look at my closed eyes, but it's like he can see right through the red and black. "I'm here, baby." And I feel my breath catch in my bruised lungs as I move my head to look at Darry. "I'm here."

"What?" Darry's painfully dumbfounded voice makes me want to hold him, tell him I'm safe, that he's not dreaming.

"Come here," My voice is getting tired. I can feel my body shutting down, and I hope that I wake up in this same spot. "Just come here."

It feels like they're eons away even though they're right in front of me. My chest burns with tears I can't find the strength (or eyes) to let go of. In a moment's notice, both of them are on the floor, sobbing and holding onto me like I'll fade away. Darry is holding Pony close and trying not to touch me, but I need to touch him. I haven't felt his skin in a month, and while I've loved having Pony at my side this entire time, I need Darry. So I slip my arm out from under them and gently slide it down Darry's shirt sleeve. The burning in my lungs intensifies at the way his body relaxes at my touch, and the only words that my mouth can form are, "I'm so sorry."

Footsteps sound from the corner of the room. "Stevie? Two?" And there's a small smirk that forms in my head at the way the footsteps immediately freeze. "Don't go..."

Like I've shoved them in my own direction, they saunter back to me. Steve sits in the chair furthest away from me, and I feel Two-Bit's apprehension as he sits down. He swallows hard as he looks at me, then at my hand. A laugh turns into a puke-worthy grunt and I move my hand on top of his, feeling bad at the way he flinches. But then Steve's is added on, providing a stability that Two apparently didn't realize he needed.

They're here.

I'm here.

Thank God.