DISCLAIMER: I am not JK Rowling, nor do I own Harry Potter. All ideas are my own.
Fuck.
What do I do.
Head spinning, I feel as if I've drunk about a gallon of Firewhisky.
I immediately get hot, fire rages up my arm and spreads to my neck, an inferno ready to destroy everything in sight.
The minute Anto addresses me, he whips his head back around and storms off, the suggestion of me joining him hanging emptily in the air.
I know that I should follow him, as there is no better moment than now to hash out the present, but I can't bring myself to stand up and walk into a situation when I already know the outcome.
It's awful, the anticipation to a nasty conversation, the build up to something that you know won't turn out nice.
It's riding a broken broomstick, or duelling with a faulty wand, you know how it's going to end, and there's nothing you can do about it.
If it weren't for Anto's interruption, my night would've been so much more peaceful. I was so looking forward to a moment of tranquility, it seems like my life has been drama after drama recently.
I knew ending it with Anto wouldn't be nice, so maybe him finding me will give him leverage to break up with me instead, that would be so much easier.
It sounds stupid to say it would be easier, it's a break-up, no one ever wants to be broken up with, but in this case I wish he would.
Then again, is it really a break-up, because were we really together? We went on one date, and agreed to go to the Ball together, but apart from that we weren't boyfriend and girlfriend, we had no loyalties to each other.
No Rose, properly think about it for a second, imagine if the shoe was on the other foot, how would you feel if the boy you liked was ignoring you and having study-dates with their arch enemy?
Shit. That's how I'd feel. Pure shit.
So yes, this was shitty of you, and no there is nothing you can do to excuse it. Whatever happens just say sorry and still follow through with your plan to break up with him, you know that's what you really want.
I won't be intimidated into changing my mind despite his burning rage. If I want to do it, I will and nothing can make my turn my back on this decision, I just wish I'd done so earlier, so I wouldn't be stuck in this mess.
Trying to forget Malfoy's presence, I timidly stand up from my seat, attempting to fake stability despite my shaky legs.
Rabbit in the headlights. As the muggles say. That's the only thing I can use to describe myself as right now, a rabbit in the headlights.
My stomach is a stone which has sunk oh so quickly, I almost feel nauseous with what's about to happen.
There's no point in running - where would that get me? Literally running away from the problem. No, it's now or never, and about time. It was all going to come to ahead and one point or another.
And so I follow him anyway, as I should, despite my inner devil urging me to sit down, in order to settle this situation.
When I find him, he is in one of the aisles of the library, lurking in the shadows, murky and dark. He's pacing back and forth, clearly thinking about what he's going to say. I almost feel sorry for him, until I remember his erratic rage and realise I can't feel pity, I need to be strong and stand up for myself.
All that illuminates his face is the effect of his Lumos charm, and his flared nostrils and furrowed eyebrows tell me that this is not going to be a pretty sight.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing Rose?", he demands.
"Anto I can explain we were just -"
"Just what Rose? You've been avoiding me, shutting me out like I mean nothing to you, and here I find you with fucking Malfoy of all people"
"Anto we were just doing homework. It's nothing more."
"NOTHING MORE? Rose stop having me on. All my friends said it was obvious that you weren't feeling it, but I thought no, she's different, she'd never do something like this to me. And here you are, cosying up to the guy who nearly killed you the other week"
His voice reaches new levels of anger, new levels of sound, ricocheting off of every single book in the library.
If I thought Malfoy wouldn't hear our conversation, or even hoped that it would never happen, all chances of that were now little to none.
"Anto, I'm really sorry for the way I've made you feel. I should've been honest with you from the get go. This isn't going to work, I think we should just go our separate ways."
"Oh wow Rose. I can't even say I'm surprised. You're not even bothering to fight for what we have and are throwing in the towel at the first chance you get."
Not bothering to fight for what we have? What exactly is it that we have I want to say, but know that won't improve the situation in the slightest.
A taut silence tumbles over us, pockets of the noise of our breathing breaking the wall occasionally.
After a while, which feels like 5 minutes, but in actual fact is really 2, he speaks again.
His tone is quieter now, but still fierce, I know he will snap again at any moment.
Despite this argument, which is really not how I wanted it to go, I know I'm doing the right thing.
"Is it him Rose?"
My eyes snap up immediately, and I catch his gaze which bores into mine.
Anger seems to have dissipated now, replaced with hurt, and sadness, and a pit of sorrow appears at the bottom of my stomach for a second.
"No Anto, Malfoy and I are nothing. Barely even friends."
As much as I wish this was a lie, it's not, I am actually telling the truth.
I go to move closer to him, silly I know, thinking that he seeks comfort in my arms right now.
Big mistake.
As I do so the bright green stone, twinkling in the moonlight which filters through the windows, catches his eye.
"Who gave you this then huh Rose? People are saying it was me but it clearly fucking wasn't."
Almost all at once, he grabs my hand forcefully, thrusting it into his grasp.
His hands trace the rock on my finger, disdain burning in his eyes. Although he is clearly fuming again, he doesn't hurt me, yes his grip is strong, but not enough to wound me.
He almost seems envious as he traces each delicate stone with his fingers, if anyone didn't know better it would appear as if he had given this ring to me fondly, and was admiring his handywork.
"Emerald green. Slytherin colours."
Hang on a second. No. This doesn't sit right. He spat that with too much venom for it just to be a passing comment, he's thought this through.
For a minute I think I feel uncomfortable because he's been the only person to get it spot on, as yes, of course this emerald is Slytherin colours, but no, it feels more than that.
It's as if he's noticed this for a while, and has been keeping tabs on Malfoy for a lot longer than he's letting on.
Or maybe I'm reading too much into this, he's seen Malfoy and I together and now this ring.
He's connected the dots, and hell I just handed him the pen with which to do it.
"You've clearly put a lot of thought into this Anto", I begin calmly, or at least what I hope is a calm voice, I'm beginning to get riled up.
"I just told you there was no reason for you to worry."
Instantly, before these words even leave my mouth, his stony stare snaps up at me, a penetrating glower that I've never seen him give.
"Don't even start Rose, you can tell me all that but you can't deny what's right in front of my eyes. I've seen the way you look at him. I've noticed it for a while", he hisses maliciously, dropping my hand as if it offends him.
Phew, deep breaths Rose, you can deal with this.
I know he has just seen Malfoy and I together, and yes I haven't exactly been 100% interested in Anto, which was unfortunately more obvious than I thought it to be, but I don't completely understand the reason for this sudden snap.
He was clearly a ready bonfire, prepared at any second to go up in flames, and someone's just lit his fuse, seeing Malfoy and I together has given him the match.
I also don't really understand why he's never brought this up before then, if he's "noticed it for a while". If it was always that much of a problem, which it wasn't because I only realised I find him attractive very recently, why not say something?
Composing myself, I mentally count from 1 to 10, trying to calm myself so I don't say something I regret.
As much as this is affecting me, I know it's affecting him more, and it makes it even worse knowing that his feelings are a direct consequence of my own actions.
So whatever happens, I know that I need to apologise once more, and make it right. If he doesn't want to hear me out again, then fine, that's on him, but as long as I know I've tried my best, I can at least sleep peacefully tonight.
His back is turned as he storms away, and I immediately follow him, reaching out to touch his shoulder.
"Wait Anto, come on, it's not what you think."
But before I can even touch him, he whips back around again.
Eyes reddened, I see now that he's clearly been crying.
They say that stages of grief and stages of a break up are very similar.
First you're upset, you're in denial, then you're angry, then you're depressed, and then you finally accept it.
"DON'T LIE TO ME!", he roars, his voice reaching a level I have never heard before, "DO YOU THINK I'M STUPID?"
He's closer now, right up in my face, a raging bull that's seen red, a bear that's been poked one too many times.
"You know what,", he spits aggressively, nostrils flaring, venom evident in his tone, "You two deserve each other"
And there it is, the straw that breaks the camels back.
"Well it doesn't matter to you anymore", I shout nastily, my temper getting the better of me, "I can do whatever the hell I want, with, or without your permission."
As I turn on my heel, storming away before my mouth decides to cause any more damage, I briefly see him go to say something again, practically foaming at the mouth, a rabid dog, but I walk off too quickly to hear what he says as I retreat.
Unsurprisingly, tears swarm in the corner of my eyes, bubbling over and streaming down my face.
Hot liquid splashes and runs rapidly down my rosy cheeks, I'm unable to suppress the sign of my unhappiness, but I know I need to stop if I have any chance of saving face in front of Malfoy.
Brushing them away quickly, I force myself to stop sniffling, but can feel the scratchiness of my throat, prepared to give away the obvious.
But then again, I know Malfoy would've heard our conversation anyway, the marble walls and the leather-bound books echoing our every word, so if he wants to say something, no doubt torment me, then he will.
He's at the same table, head down, hair in his face, still sat silently working, but from his position I can tell he's moved and stood up, shuffled chairs.
By the other chairs pushed away from the table, I can tell he got up at one point, and came closer to where Anto and I were standing.
I pray deep down that he doesn't say anything, and carries on exactly like he was before, making brief conversation.
"I got halfway through the worksheet but need your help", he says non-chalently, as I arrive at the table, as if nothing has changed, eyes focused on his parchment in front of him.
I'd never thought I'd say this, but in this moment, I've never been more grateful for Scorpius Malfoy.
Better late than never, I try to tell myself.
It's over between you two and that's what you wanted, isn't it Rose?
Yes, it is, I would've ended it regardless, but I never wanted it to happen this way.
Anto and I were never friends before we got involved, but we weren't not friends, if that makes sense.
We were always friendly, but now I get the feeling we'll never be that way again.
Making sure to avoid him the next couple of days will be top of my priority list, I'll throw myself into Quidditch and ball prep, even though the very idea of it makes me sick to my stomach.
Now I'm alone again, going to the ball dateless and very much single.
To be honest, I would rather it be that way, I hate the fuss and attention that going with someone brings.
Instead of focusing on the decorations, the theme, the dresses, and just the fact that we're all together, gossip runs like wildfire over who's going with who, who's not going, who's going alone etcetera etcetera.
Every year, without fail, there is a drama at the ball.
Last year, Belle caught Malfoy snogging another random girl, quelle surprise, and spent the entire night screaming like a banshee at him, which meant that the ball ended one hour early.
As much as I was satisfied that she got 2 months detention, it certainly put a downer on the entire night.
Which reminds me, I don't know who Malfoy is going with this year. Not that I entirely care, yes we've established that I may find him attractive but I'm not exactly going to go to the ball with him now am I, but I would be interested to know.
Again I thought he'd go with Belle, but after mine and her's conversation once I caught those two going at it, in which she said he's gone off her and must like someone else, I've not seen those two together once.
In fact, Belle seems to be trying it on with Nott, which is very interesting given the whole Eliza-Not situation.
That's another thing I hate about those two, and the whole fake friendship scenario, they just have no loyalty to each other.
In order to get to Malfoy, and try and make him jealous, Belle is using Nott, but in the meantime has completely disregarded the fact that he has been fucking her so-called best friend for the past year.
It all came to ahead the other night, I came up to my dorm room to get a book I'd forgotten and heard them fighting.
"Theo? Really Belle? Helping yourself to my sloppy seconds are we?"
"Oh come on Eliza, you said yourself that you're not interested in him anymore and are trying to win Albus back, so why can't I have him?"
"Why can't you have him? Belle have some fucking respect for yourself! Do you really want to start something with the boy I've been sleeping with for the past couple months?"
"Have you ever thought about the fact I might actually like him? Pull your head out of your arse Eliza and take a look around, the world doesn't revolve around you."
"Oh please. You're only doing so to get back at Malfoy. I wouldn't bother anyway, there's no way he'll ever go back there, I've heard he's harbouring something for -"
"ROSE!"
And there we have it. Snapped out of my reverie by Rox flailing her hand in front of my face, all because I was blocking her way. I'm surprised she didn't want to listen in, she's a sucker for a good bit of gossip.
And so I never found out who Malfoy is now interested in. Not that you care, I try to tell myself, not that you care, but I'm not going to lie and say I'm not a tiny bit relieved that it's not Belle.
No, not that I've been paying really close attention, but he's seemed to snap out of his fuck boy ways recently.
I don't know why, but I'm personally very grateful for it.
Speaking of fuckboys and their damaging impact, that reminds me, I need to go and check in with Alice.
Apart from seeing her around briefly since the incident in the Great Hall, I haven't properly seen her.
Charms this morning will give me the chance to speak to her. Flitwick, in his old age bless him, has lost all of his hearing in one ear, which gives us the chance to natter away to our hearts content, without being told off for not paying attention.
When I see her, she is on good form, but her smile doesn't quite reach her eyes, which are glassy, evidence of a long cry the night previous.
"Want to go on a walk at Lunch?", I whisper, as if nothing is wrong.
I opt to take the same approach that Malfoy did with me last night, acting as if everything is normal and all in place.
Again, I'd never thought I'd see the day where I take advice from Malfoy, but here we are.
I should probably cut him some slack, he's been nothing but pleasant the last couple of days, and last night, when I practically handed him bullying material, he refused it and carried on working.
Maybe, just maybe, his heart isn't as icy cold as it once was.
Or maybe, just maybe, this girl he has a crush on has managed to thaw it.
Eventually, Alice nods in response, her glossy hair falling out of its misshapen plait as she does so.
By the time lunch rolls around, she has composed herself, and we make our way across the grassy plains, heading for the black lake.
I say grassy plains, but if anything they're the opposite at the moment. They look more like straw, dehydrated and crispy, they've given up fighting the winter cold and have waved the white flag for the time being.
No doubt they'll be back to blooming in Spring, with wild flowers cushioning the floor, but for now they're gone, waiting for the imminent snow that is inevitable.
Luckily, the air is crisp, and fresh, so crisp in fact that it hurts your lungs if you breathe in too much. It's the kind of air that makes you feel alive, and rejuvenated, and it couldn't have come at a better time for Alice; I'm hoping it will make her feel better.
"I promise you Rose, I am fine. I haven't spoken to him since, even though he's tried, and despite the fact it's against my better judgement", she says, taking a deep breath in and closing her eyes.
I contemplate for a second, wondering whether I should tell her about what Belle and Eliza were arguing about, whether she should know that Eliza is trying to win Albus back.
I would want to know if I were her. Actually, I take that back, would I?
Yes, I suppose I would. But that's only because I would find it easier to deal with if I knew what was going on, and it would prevent me from creating scenarios in my head of yes, he loves me and just can't act upon his feelings.
Because one day, at some point, the love train will come crashing down, and you'll have to accept something you've been denying for so long.
And that's the worst part, the realisation.
The moment your throat closes up, and your hands go clammy, and your eyes start to burn with the unshed tears of betrayal and misery.
Knowing, that from then on, nothing will ever be as it was.
I decide against telling Alice what she probably already knows, as she seems to be doing better, and news like that would just be a punch in the gut.
Besides, if she wants to move on, who am I to give her news that will prevent her from doing so?
"He's tried to get in contact with you?", I ask, slightly baffled by this revelation.
"Yeah. Or at least he did the first couple of days. I think he understands that I want to be left alone now."
Unlike the other day, where her throat was chocked up and she could barely string together a coherent sentence, her voice is light and airy, and I can tell, right now, she is really ready to be over it.
We chat for a while, making a loop around the lake, until the bell ringing reminds us that we need to make our way to Defense against the Dark Arts.
Usually, when I'm in Defense, Malfoy is a pain in the arse, trying to jinx me and hex me at any moment possible.
But not today.
Normally I'd be unsettled by his change in behaviour, but seeing as he's been like this the past few days, it's actually nothing particularly out of the ordinary.
He doesn't go out of his way to talk to me, but then again he doesn't go out of his way to try and piss me off, and that's a scenario I'm very happy with and can deal with contentedly.
I'm guessing it's because we're meeting again tonight to research the ring, and it's easier to do so if we at least try to get on, we'll never get anywhere if we're picking arguments with each other 24/7.
I haven't made any headway on researching the ring whatsoever, and I'm gathering he hasn't either, so I'm assuming it will end up being another situation like last night, where we have to work together.
Not that I'm complaining…
Shut up Rose, I tell myself, you'll probably take that back in about 5 hours.
To my surprise, Al isn't in today's lesson, but when I turn to look for him, and realise Eliza isn't in her usual seat either, I can't help but fear the worst.
I catch eyes with Zabini, who winks at me, and then Malfoy, who is staring at him like he wants to punch him in the face.
Weird, I just can't work out what's gotten into Malfoy recently.
Then, looking at Alice, I can tell that she's seen too that both Al and Eliza aren't here.
A thought dances across her eyes for a second, as if she's about to say something, but she doesn't, and instead leaves me wondering about just what she's thinking.
You can do so much better, I try to communicate telepathically. Unfortunately I haven't learnt the skill of Legilimency yet, that's something for another day.
Another day, when the weather is happier, the mood is brighter, and everything is just that bit calmer.
On my way to the Room of Requirement this evening, I'm practically accosted by James and Fred, demanding why I've broken up with Anto.
"It's not really any of your business boys. It's between me and him", I explain, trying to push past the two of them.
Unfortunately for me, I never make it through their muscly arms, and they shove me back in front of them, as if they're Aurors who've just caught their victim.
Interrogation. Hm. I see. That's the way it's going to be.
"It is our business Rose when he's one of our best mates and you're the reason he's so upset.", Fred replies, an angry tone to his voice.
"Yeah, you can't just lead him on like that", James chips in, both of them towering over me with their tall frames.
I've never seen either of them act like this before, normally they put family before anything and try not to get involved, but this time it's different, they're riled up.
What's the bet that Anto has told them a warped view of the story, 20 Galleons?
Trying to barge past them once more, and failing, I then turn my back on them and decide to make another way to my destination.
But of course, my short legs can never out chase their long strides, nor their nagging and whining about how "you're not like this Rosie" and "give him another chance".
I can only stand so much of it, until I break, bursting, all my stress and anger over the situation finally snapping,
It's James's, "you owe him another chance", that really gets me.
"I DON'T OWE HIM ANYTHING!", I scream, whipping round so I'm face to face with them once again.
"I went on ONE DATE with him, ONE DATE, I didn't promise marriage to him, nor was I even his girlfriend! I'm allowed to fucking change my mind if I want to!"
The pair stand in a stunned silence, staring at me blankly.
"Look, I'm sorry if I've hurt him, that was never my intention, but don't you dare make me feel sorry about the way that I feel. If I don't fancy him, then that's that, we can all fucking move on. I'm sure he'll get over it at some point, he'll just have a bruised ego at the moment"
Fred begins after a while, tentatively, realising that they've ignited my Granger-Weasley temper.
"So… you fancy someone else?", he asks, his voice slightly rising at the end.
"So what if I do Fred? Would that be the worst thing in the world if, god forbid, I fancied someone else and not Anto?"
At this, both of their wide eyes narrow into slits, like a snake eyeing up its prey. However I can tell by where they're looking, over my shoulder that is, that it's not entirely because of my newest revelation.
And so I spin around, and see Malfoy, defiantly stood on the spot, looking at me, never once breaking eye contact.
He speaks in a low voice, calm, a certain calmness that immediately extinguishes the fire that's burning across my body.
"I've been looking for you Weasley. Come on, we don't want to be late."
"Why is Malfoy talking to you hey Rose?", James chips in aggressively, rolling up the sleeves of his jumper.
"Leave it James", I snap back, "I'll see you later".
So I follow Malfoy, who's surprisingly waited for me, and we both break into a quickstep, making our way to the Room of Requirement.
"What are we going to be late for?", I question, looking up at him inquisitively.
"Oh. Nothing.", he answers, "Just needed to get you out of there, and couldn't have done that without an excuse"
"Oh. Thanks.", I offer, still staring up at his penetrating blue eyes.
To this he just quickly looks back down at me, although I can't help but notice how the corners of his eyes soften as he smirks.
Whoever this is, that has managed to melt his frozen heart, I want to send them a thank you note.
And also punch them in the face.
And so ends Chapter 19
Sorry for being MIA, my hand is still in recovery from my accident last week, and today I tested positive for COVID-19.
I am not going to sugar coat it, I am really really sick.
It's very annoying as I was meant to get my vaccine tomorrow too!
I will try to update as much as possible, depending on how I'm feeling. Next update will be tomorrow, Thursday 1st July.
I hope you're all well - please keep reviewing if you're enjoying the story, I appreciate all your feedback!
Having me on - messing about/playing with me/taking the piss
Going at it - either having sex or arguing (depends on context but here I mean having sex)
PREVIEW OF NEXT CHAPTER:
"Why does everyone think Anto gave you that ring?", he asks, voice surprisingly clear of all aggression and anger.
"I don't know. Why does everyone think you have a secret girlfriend?", I quip back, grinning at him.
To this, his eyes darken, become stormier, and he gives me the most puzzling answer I've ever received.
"Oh it's like that is it Red?", he announces, giving me an amused smirk and raising a pointed eyebrow.
"It's like that"
"Well I don't. If I did have a girlfriend, you'd be the first to know".
He stands up, and makes his way to the bookshelf, the clipping of his footsteps accentuating his retreating silhouette.
And so I'm left, in a pile of books on the floor, trying to work out what the hell he means by that.