DISCLAIMER: I am not JK Rowling, nor do I own Harry Potter.
Conflict; noun
- a state of mind in which a person experiences a clash of opposing feelings or needs.
Not knowing what you want is one of the most difficult feats of all.
One minute you're hot, the next minute you're cold, and by the end of the day you've never managed to work out what it is you truly need.
At the moment I seem to be in a state of never-ending turmoil; confused, conflicted, happy then sad, angry then calm, and there has only been one thing in my life that I know to be the real cause of this problem.
It doesn't take a genius to be able to work out who that is now does it?
Ever since this year began, something felt off and different, as if something had shifted in the air, but I never would've thought it would come to this. I just assumed my feelings were to do with the recent passing of my Opa, or the worries of being thrusted into the stress of 6th year, I'd never have believed that it would really boil down to Scorpius Malfoy.
Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy, the boy who's made my life a living hell since I began Hogwarts, and the boy currently responsible for my conflicting matters of the heart.
I've always been quite sure in myself, that's something I pride myself on, the fact that I know who I am and no one, not anyone is ever going to tell me otherwise. I think that if you know who you are in yourself, then it doesn't really matter what other people say.
You can only care about what others think if you let yourself do so.
For example, once Hugo accused me of stealing his chocolate frog cards, which for once I actually hadn't done, and so stuck up for myself against his tirade of screaming. As the bratty little 8 year old he was, he threw a tantrum so huge I'm surprised his magic didn't accidentally burn the house down, you know, with his magic being uncontrollable and all. Yet still, no matter how many times he called me a liar, I never let it affect me too much as, well, I knew I hadn't done it, and as long as I knew the truth then nothing else mattered.
But no, now I'm all confused, it's like being told you're suddenly a seeker, after playing as a keeper all your life. It's unsettling, unnerving, and I bloody well hate it.
I just want it gone, but the thing with matters of the heart is that only I can make that decision, it can only come from me. Once I realise either that yes, I do want this, or no, I need to sack this off, I'll be no quicker to answering my painful question.
What exactly is there to sack off though? I don't even know, and I doubt Malfoy knows either. To be honest he's probably not even thinking about me, and is too wrapped up with our latest discovery to even contemplate anything else. We haven't spoken since that night, and I'm glad in all honesty, I don't need anymore unexpected kisses.
But maybe, using Anto as a past example, I have to wait for someone else to act until I'm brave enough to make a decision.
That's something else I've realised this year, as a Gryffindor I'm expected to be courageous, and I thought I was too, but this year is proving me to be more of a coward than ever.
Yes, on the pitch or in the classroom I may be brave and strong, but when it comes to my own feelings, I'm as hopeless as the next.
Mum says sometimes that I remind her so much of Dad, she adopts this quiet but lethal glare that tells me she's very much pissed off with me, before announcing "You're too much like your father for your own good sometimes Rose Nymphadora Weasley"
This is also something that she'd say reminds me too much of Dad, being hopeless with romance.
I don't know why she takes to saying that, seeing as she loves my Dad to pieces, but then again it won't come as any surprise that they bicker constantly, and haven't always had a smooth-sailing relationship.
Clearly bickering is their love language, their way of flirting or communicating, as they get each other's attention.
Shit.
I am so blind to what's in front of me sometimes I wonder if I need glasses.
If I am so quick to spot that my parents argue for affection, how can't I spot when I do it myself?
I know Rox and Dom always used to say that me and Malfoy would argue as an excuse to talk to each other, and it showed how passionate we were about one another, but until now I never spotted what they mean!
Then again, I've never been good with romance, as is evident in past relationships, and that is the stand-alone reason that I am single for this upcoming Christmas ball.
Probably the only single one in the entire of Hogwarts.
I can't help but wonder who Malfoy is taking, (yes he's gone back to Malfoy for now, I did say that I'm eternally conflicted at the moment).
I know it's not Belle, as she's now obsessed with Theo, much to Eliza's chargrin.
Much to my pleasure, as bitchy as that sounds, those two fighting have kept the Gryffindor dormitory busy with daily episodes of drama.
I care little for it, as they are two of my least favourite people on earth, but it's entertaining none-the-less.
I also know he's not taking Eliza, as I happened to overhear him refusing her invitation, it was just the case of right place right time.
Well, maybe it wasn't as much of a coincidence as I'm making it out to be, maybe I did see her ambush him after a study session and maybe I did cast a disillusionment charm so he didn't see me.
It doesn't matter though, what matters is he didn't say yes, all potential feelings aside I would hate if he took someone like her.
Eliza only did it to get back at Belle for nicking Theo off of her, and maybe to get back at Al who's ignoring her like a bad smell ever since he made Alice his girlfriend.
Yes, you heard me right, his girlfriend.
Being a Potter, Al can never seem to do things in halves.
When I thought he was just going to pull her aside quietly and explain what happened, I had doubts of how successful he'd be, and clearly he did too, and did the exact opposite of that.
"ALICE LUNA LONGBOTTOM. I CAN'T HIDE MY FEELINGS FOR YOU ANYMORE", Al proceeded to announce to the entire of the Great Hall, kneeling on the table as if it was a victim he'd just slain for her.
I can't quite describe how Alice initially reacted to this, but her face was priceless. The Great Hall was still bar Al's deep shouting, even the teachers seemed to be in some sort of shock.
It soon became clear that he was trying to reenact the muggle Pride and Prejudice, something I had to commend him for as Alice is an absolute sucker for Jane Austen and old bonnet dramas.
"YOU HAVE BEWITCHED ME BODY AND SOUL. I CAN'T BE PARTED FROM YOU FOR ANY LONGER. PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR ALL MY MISTAKES, I PROMISE TO NEVER LET YOU DOWN AGAIN!"
By this point, Alice was as red as a tomato and yanking at him to "Get down you idiot", from the table, clearly feeling the second-hand embarrassment that I know we all felt.
However, despite her flaming cheeks and wide eyes, anyone could tell that she was secretly over the moon.
Silence had overwhelmed the hall by this point, but oddly enough not an awkward, cringey quietness, but one almost of awe. Awe in the sense that Al had the balls to do such a thing, especially when it is so well-known that Al cares greatly for his reputation.
Also awe in the sense that Al had remembered that she loves bonnet dramas, and to Alice that would've meant a lot, as it does when someone remembers small things about you.
But Al doing this so publicly must have been the thing that struck Alice the most, the fact that Al was prepared to sacrifice his influence and esteem for her, that's how she knew he meant it.
I can't lie and say that it wasn't very satisfying to watch Eliza storm out of the hall, for once with no posse of evil bitches in her wake.
As I was watching this all, laughing and giggling at the pure craziness of the situation, my eyes were, as per, magnetically drawn to the piercing blue of Malfoy.
Instead of smirking or taking the mick out of Al, he just smiled, a kind smile, but his pupils danced with something playful, something I wanted to find out so badly. And from then on, that's something else I've been working to discover.
Ball preparations have been heavily underway, with the ball only just a day away.
Pearly white clouds have dressed the grounds in thick blankets of snow, frosting the trees in an icy glaze and unleashing winter cold on us all. Birds have nestled away for the summer, fleeing and flying for the sunnier continents, and to be honest, I don't blame them one bit. As much as I love the chill of December, announcing the arrival of Christmas, the bitter feeling that winter brings along for the ride is easily absorbed by people, so much so that many become ice queens.
Take Dom and Lily for example, normally sweet girls, if sometimes divas, on edge and tetchy that we all have to walk on eggshells round them.
It's not for any particular reason, they both have dates for the balls, I think the stress of getting ready and dressing up is really playing on their mind.
Which is almost ironic, those are just the things that they love most, and they're causing them the most worry.
But that's what they say isn't it, the things we love hurt us the most.
I can completely understand where they're coming from, I'm not particularly into my makeup or hair but still want to look presentable for the ball, after all, the entire Weasley clan will be making an appearance and I haven't seen them all the summer.
I wonder if Victoire has told them about her pregnancy yet? I know she was waiting until Christmas to do so, but she can't exactly turn up to a Winter Ball cloaked in scarves and thick jumpers to hide her bump. Maybe she just won't come, or maybe she'll decide that the ball is the perfect opportunity to tell us all.
But that's the least of my problems, given that I'll be meeting Mr Malfoy, wearing his late wife's engagement ring.
I haven't thought too much about it, if anything I've been trying to forget about it as everytime I consider it my stomach knots and tumbles into a pit of anxiety.
Just how do I go about it? "Hi Mr Malfoy, I know we've never met and our families hate eachother, but I'm wearing your dead wife's ring and can't get it off, can you help?"
Funnily enough, I don't think he'd take that well.
Speaking of Astoria, I'm yet to receive another letter update, which I find to be completely crazy given everything that has transpired between me and her son recently.
Every evening, 9pm sharp I've been checking like clockwork, desperate to see if she can give me any little bit of advice in this situation, after all, isn't that what the letters are for?
Clearly she doesn't agree, okay, it feels weird saying she as she's very much dead, but her spirit seems to think I've got it all under control. Oh just how wrong she is, that couldn't be further from the truth.
For example, with the ball being one day away, you'd think I'd have a lot more under control, but I don't. Not in the slightest.
I'm yet to know what I'm doing with my hair, my makeup, in fact the only thing I'm certain of is the fact that I'm not going to enjoy myself.
Lily will be fuming at me of course, after she stops being angry with herself for reasons prior explained.
Which is why I'm trying my best to avoid her. In fact, the only thing I want to do today is go to the library. And sit. By myself. With my own thoughts. Actually scratch that. Is that really the best idea? Given the fact that even my own thoughts can't piece themselves together, nor string along a coherent sentence, should I really sit alone with them?
Yes. Yes that's exactly what I should do. At least after I read Mum and Dad's letters. I asked Hugo if he wanted to read them, but he wasn't particularly bothered.
"Rosie, you're seeing them tomorrow, what is the point in reading their letters if you can't even reply? You've left it so late that you're really just wasting your time!"
A fair point, well made. Yes I may have received their letters 5 days ago, but like I said I've been busy. Busy being a mess.
"Okay, you don't have to read them, but I will. Just wanted to see if you were bothered"
The reason I want to read them is because if I don't, Mum will be able to spot from a mile away. Normally, she includes hidden details that are only in that letter, and will then test me on them to make sure that I am in fact reading them. I don't know why she trusts me so little to not read her letters, but then again, given the fact that I still haven't read them, she has a fair point.
As expected, the letter doesn't contain anything that I don't already know, with the exception of plans for Christmas. I also don't know why Mum bothers to include them, as it's the same old same old every year, big Weasley Christmas at the Burrow , but she does so anyway.
Hey Rosie and Hugo!
We both miss you so so much and can't wait to see you at the Christmas Ball. We'll give you the money for the clothes at Christmas, see it as part of your Christmas presents! Speaking of Christmas, we're all heading to the Burrow as per, staying the night on Christmas Eve and will be there Christmas Day and Boxing Day. Then we're off to see Oma, and then back to the Burrow for New Years. Please can I remind you both to bring home your jumpers that Grandma Molly made you last Christmas, so it at least looks like you've been wearing them.
Rosie - I hope your NEWTS are going well, can't wait to chat with you all about them. Remember to study hard and the rewards will pay off. You're so close to the end now and it's the final push, I know you can do it!
Hugo - Sorry to hear that Hufflepuff lost the recent Quidditch match. I know you played brilliantly and am so proud of you.
That's all from me kids, see you soon,
Mum xxx
Hey kids, I've finally managed to get the letter out of Mum's clutches. Ignore anything she said about studying loads Rosie, I know you're doing so anyway and don't need to be told twice. She just cares for you that's all. You will be fine - didn't inherit your Mum's brains for nothing!
Keep your head held high Hugo, I know it's tough losing a Quidditch match and Mum doesn't really seem to understand that, but I know deep down you played great - proud of you son.
See you both at the ball and please, if you're bringing dates try not to snog them in front of me. I'd rather not spend the night trying to keep strangers hands off of you. I'm talking to you Rosie - I've heard through the grapevine that you have a new boyfriend? We'll talk about this later!
Love you both,
Dad
Well who's been a fucking rat then, because I certainly didn't tell Dad about Anto. Probably James or Fred I assume, letting it slip in a moment of anger. It wouldn't surprise me, it's been difficult to see them ever since me and Anto split up, if you can even call it that seeing as we were never properly together, as they seem to be consoling him at any chance they get.
Well it seems that way every time I bump into them. It could be that they're just doing it for show, proving that Anto is actually really sad and wants me back, or they're just doing it to be annoying.
Either way, I couldn't care less. Anto is history and I'm happy to keep it that way, at least I try my best, he's taken to ambushing me out of nowhere insisting that he made a mistake and he was angry and he does really miss me and he won't do it again and blah blah blah.
Good riddance, that's what I think. We were never properly together, so to be this cut up about it still after 2 weeks? Nah, I'm seeing red flag after red flag. It doesn't concern me much, but I just don't know how many times I have to tell him no before he will be done with it.
That's why, in a way, I wish I had a date for the ball, so I could show him that I have properly moved on and that he should do the same. He seems to be the sort of person who won't believe it until he sees it, and unfortunately my dismissals aren't standing the ground that I hoped, so until I have a new boyfriend (seems unlikely for a long time), I guess I'll just have to live with the fact that I've truly lost him as a friend.
But then I know I'm happier alone, except for the fact I'm going to have to deal with couples and lovers and boyfriends and girlfriends and urgh. Do I even go tomorrow?
No Rose, you can't just turn it down because you're single.
Are you sure?
Yes. This is your second to last ball and you will not waste it moping around because everyone else is taken. Speaking of, the most recent (and fucking extensive) list of dates is growing and growing by the second, so in a way it can't be helped that I'm at least a little bit disappointed.
James is with Ciara, Fred with Astrid (purely as friends), Evelyna and Lucas, Alice and Albus, Hugo and this girl called Lucie who I've never met but is apparently lovely, Lorcan and Milo, Roxanne and Zabini, Dom and Emilia, Lily and Alex, and Belle and Theo.
Which reminds me once more, just who is Malfoy going with?
My thoughts are interrupted by a cutting sharp wind, for once a welcome intrusion, which encourages me to follow my earlier plan of heading off to the Library.
When I enter, it's deserted, to no surprise seeing as it's the day before the ball. The usual dark and flickering lights are painting silhouettes across the spines of books, and a stifling silence is present bar the dwindling fire, just how I like it.
After a while of sitting in stillness, literally just sitting, I can't bring myself to escape from my daydream and collect a book to read, a warm hand rests on my shoulder, breaking me out of my rigid box that's made my legs go numb.
The person helping with my escape is none other than the person who has recently frequented my thoughts far too often for my liking.
Butterflies flittering around in my stomach, I turn to meet those penetrating eyes that occupy my dreams.
"You alright?", he asks, smiling and seeing the empty spot next to me and taking it swiftly.
I hate that question, because what is the appropriate answer? Anything I say I feel like I just sound like a mug.
"Yeah, you?"
Okay, that'll do.
His eyes burn once more with the same dancing flames that I saw when Al asked Alice out. I want to ask him what it means, but how on earth do I explain it? Oh by the way Malfoy your eyes have a weird look in them, fancy telling me what it is? No way, he'd think I've really lost the plot.
"Fine. What you doing?"
"Oh you know, just chilling. That and trying to forget the fact that the Ball is tomorrow."
He chuckles under his breath, a genuine laugh that bursts a balloon of warmth inside of me.
"Why's that something you're tryna forget?", he questions, clearly wanting an honest answer, "Most girls get so excited for this sort of stuff."
"Well most girls have dates for starters, so it's all a lot easier for them."
Yet another answer I give but instantly regret. I never like to seem weak, or fragile, or that I care about what other people think, especially the fact that I care that I don't have a date, but I figure that Malfoy and I are on a different page now, a newfound level of friendship and, oh I just don't know, I feel comfortable telling him this.
I continue before he has the chance to reply, and for once I don't regret the following words that come out of my mouth.
"What about you hey?", I ask cheekily, nudging his side, "There's a flurry of girls falling at your feet, which one did you choose to take to the ball?"
He holds eye contact for longer than usual, and the fuzzy feeling that I've recognised to be intense attraction washes over me in soft waves, rippling and flowing, so intense that I hope it extinguishes the fire beginning to rage inside of me.
"None. I'd rather go alone.", he replies in a short, curt answer, one that I don't believe.
"It's a bit difficult Red", he whispers softly in my ear, standing up and moving so he's stood behind the back of the sofa, "I can't take the girl I really want to take, so I'd rather take no one at all"
I don't even want to know what girl he's talking about. For a split second, I had a tiny glimmer of hope that it could be me, but that was squashed the instant he rose to leave after only sitting with me for approximately 2 minutes. Clearly he doesn't want to have this sort of chat with me.
His retreating footsteps tell me he's leaving, but I can't help but shout after him, "We still on for tomorrow? You know, with your Dad?"
A distant yes tells me he's heard me, but I don't feel any more relieved than before. God, what a night tomorrow will be.
With a family as big as the Weasleys', getting ready for a big event is never, ever easy. Such event is made much much harder when you share a dorm with one cousin, and the others are in the same house as you, such others that have already cried once, redone their makeup twice, and done the classic thing of refusing to go because you can't decide if you look nice or not.
The morning of the ball I spent with Alice and Evelyna, just dawdling around the grounds waiting for time to tick over. We were all desperate to get ready and put our dresses on, but not because we were particularly excited to dress up, but just because we wanted it over and done with.
That was until the time came, and I was shitting myself.
As I admire myself now, I don't think I've done such a bad job. Soft curls tumble down my back, ones which I've left loose as I can't stand the feeling of bobby pins in your hair. No doubt the curls will have transformed into frizz by the end of the night, so I've doused my hair in Sleekeazy, praying it will at least hold them in place.
My lips are a light beige, nude and glossy, simple and sophisticated, so they match the light dusting of gold eyeshadow that I've applied, making my blue orbs pop. I didn't want to go too overboard on makeup as 1. I'm not very good and 2. I wanted my masterpiece to be the dress.
And I must say, what a gorgeous dress it is.
Figure-hugging, it accentuates my curves that Quidditch has so kindly blessed me with. Off the shoulder silk detailing takes centre stage, with the shimmering fabric elegantly falling at my feet, which are dressed in low gold heels.
I never wanted a gold that was too in your face, but a gold that would flatter me and make me feel good, and this certainly does. A softer, gentler gold, it won't draw too much attention to me, and that's just the way I like it, it blends in perfectly with the matching gold teardrop earrings and necklace.
But I would be lying if I said it was just the dress that catches the light, with the emerald green stone flashing and twinkling so brightly that it looks good as new. It's as if it knew I was going to a ball, and cleaned itself up just for the occasion.
Unfortunately, the ring just reminds me of the feat ahead tonight, and everything Malfoy and I have got to accomplish.
Envy brews in my body when I look around the room, and see everyone else prepared to enjoy their night, while I'm preparing to walk into battle and find out how to get this ring off of me.
Yet, in this moment, all I can think to do is look for the letters, and see if maybe, just maybe, Mrs Malfoy will offer me some kind words of wisdom to help me on my quest.
And lo and behold, she finally has. God, this couldn't have come at a better time.
Patience and time is all he'll need. If I were you, I'd be gentle and kind, but don't give in. Never feel afraid to stand your ground Rose. As you are well aware with my son, the Malfoy boys can be hot-tempered, and it wouldn't surprise me if my husband tried to intimidate you into a false confession of trying to steal my ring. You're sure in yourself, so you have that on your side. After all, if you can win my son's trust, then you'll be able to conquer my husband's.
Enjoy yourself Rose, as ridiculous as that may sound. There is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved. Don't waste your chances by second-guessing yourself, you're worth so much more.
I am still on holiday in Scotland, so sorry for the sporradic updates - I've had little to no data/wifi in the Highlands! On the plus side, there are so many locations from the Harry Potter films here that I feel very inspired :)
Thank you for all your kind reviews! They all mean the world to me - just letting you all know though that if you're a Guest reviewer, I can't reply to your reviews! I appreciate them all though!
Next update will be sometime next week, I'm back from holiday on Monday and after that have no plans to take a long break! I know my chapters used to be 5000+ chapters long, but I'm struggling to meet that target for each chapter. If I stick to around 3000, chapters will be shorter, but out a lot quicker, I hope that's okay?
I hope you're all staying safe and keeping healthy, take care!
E xx
Sack something off - end it
To sound like a mug - sound like an idiot