(A/N: I like to apologize for how the previous review seems to be bashing Steven Universe and the Crewniverse. It's not the fact I don't like the show, I just don't like how they bash Pink Diamond and show Steven fixing everything by doing the exact same things she did. It just makes it seems like Pink didn't try hard, when every flashback involving her show that she did try, the other Diamonds weren't willing to listen to her. And it makes it more annoying when the Diamonds listen to Steven because then the show just makes it seems like Pink barely tried to do the same, despite flashbacks showing otherwise. Other than that, enjoy the review.)
A trio of glowing dots looked at the readers.
Critical Mew, looking for you
The glowing dots split into the Regi Trio.
Critical Mew, where are you?
The Critical Mew flies in, wearing a trench coat and a hat, giving the readers a wink.
Come on, Mew, where you been?
The Critical Mew took off the trench coat and used Transform, becoming a king, a dame with blonde hair, a waiter and an Elvis impersonator.
Trouble's on the loose again
A mysterious figure showed up, trying to crush Mew with a sandbag, only to narrowly miss. He looked behind him to the embodiment of stress, who proceeded to chase him to a door of things to review, which began to do the Thriller hip movements.
(Mew)
They're not gonna get you
(Critical Mew)
The Regi Trio went in a protective circle in front of Mew, protecting him.
Uh uh, the Regi Trio's gonna help you
(Mew)
Mew was in a barrel full of toys, deciding to peek out only for the floor to break under him, causing him to grab a loose floorboard with his tail.
Ooh, the comment's gonna be there
Registeel jumped on the floorboard, launching Mew into the air. Regice and Regirock caught Mew in their arms.
And the readers too
The Critical Mew floated past Lavender Town, only for the ghost of Marowak to appear, scaring him away.
Critical Mew, looking for you
Mew was surrounded by loads of Ghost and Dark-Type Pokemon, all about to ambush him.
Critical Mew, where are you?
Only for the Regi Trio to attack them all, saving Mew as they head back to the Tree of Beginning.
Mew, Critical Mew
Mew
The stuff to be reviewed danced once again, doing the Thriller hip moves.
Critical Mew
Mew
A pair of eyes zoom out, showing Mew and the Regi Trio with the Tree of Beginning in the background.
Critical Mew!
The Critical Mew-Season One
Episode 7: Steven Universe Part 2(Season 4-5)
Tree of Beginnings, Kanto Region
"I like to apologize for my rage in the previous review," Mew said, as flashbacks of the previous review appeared.
"I realized that I should've tried to explain my opinions without making it seem like I was bashing both the show and the people who made it. And I have no excuses for this one," Mew said.
"But, that doesn't mean the fanbase isn't blameless, either. They had built this show up as it was perfect, despite the fact both Pink Diamond and Steven himself preaching that nothing is perfect. And to make sure I don't get attacked, I have called in a favor."
In the background, angry fans screamed about a 12 foot tall Pokėmon bursting through the ground, carrying a continent-sized turtle.
"He's still pissed about the Regi Trio looking like their undead counterparts. Celebi is still fixing them as we speak. Anyways, let's recap the entire first half," Mew said, clearing his throat.
"Everyone dumps their emotional baggage on new Rose Quartz, aka Steven, due to the two sharing the same Gem, Steven wants to heal Corrupted Gems while wanting to deal with his own baggage, but everyone forces him to ignore that to fight Homeworld, Rose gets thrown under the bus by new characters, old characters and plot twists everywhere and story arcs started popping up left and right!" Mew said.
"Next time on Story Arc Island!" A random narrator said.
"I think it's time you get a story arc!" Cartoon Network exclaimed.
"NOOOOO!" exclaimed Steven Universe as it exploded.
"So, with that out of the way, does the remaining two seasons attempt to fix the problems the previous three seasons had made?" Mew asked.
Suddenly, Regidrago appeared with a sign that said, 'It only gets worse from this point' in the center and electricity dancing along the edges of said sign.
"Well, that answers that question. Also, you and your brother, Regieleki, will be hired soon," Mew said.
"I'll serve thee till the end of times, thy lord," Regidrago said, sounding like someone from the Dark Ages as he gave Mew a bow before leaving.
"I don't have the heart to tell him we don't live in the Dark Ages anymore. Regigigas, how about you?" Mew asked, only to hear the sound of a continent-size turtle being used against an entire army of angry fans.
"I'll just wait until you vent out your anger," Mew said nervously, cautiously floating towards the television.
"Oh my god, that giant thing wielding the giant turtle is about to fire a las-" a random angry fan began to shout, only for Regigigas to fire off a laser at the army of angry fans.
"Anyways, the fourth season begins with Peridot and Steven attempting to catch a Corrupted Gem, after Peridot made fun of the Crystal Gems for failing. And how does Peridot go about catching said Corrupted Gem?" Mew asked.
Peridot: Oh come on! *grunts, walks underneath the Injector and starts kicking the wall* Fall already!
(As Peridot kicks the wall, the area the Injector is embedded in begins to crack.)
Steven: Peridot, watch out!
Peridot: Oh, right. Thank you.
(Peridot steps away from underneath the Injector, kicks the wall again, and a bunch of boulders fall on top of her.)
Steven: Uh, Peridot!
(Steven runs over to Peridot but is greeted by the Tongue Monster, running back in front of him.)
Peridot: *pops hers face out of the boulders* There it is! Get it!
(Steven summons his shield, but the Tongue Monster immediately starts attacking him with her talons.)
Peridot: Keep distracting it! I'll finish it off!
(Peridot climbs out of the boulders, and immediately, the Injector falls on top of her. A beaten-up Steven walks over to check on Peridot, while the Tongue Monster flees away again.)
Steven: You okay?
Peridot: I think we need to... revise our strategy. Bleh...
[Fade to Black; Time-Skip]
(Steven and Peridot stand on top of the cliff, underneath the bright sun.)
Peridot: Are you ready for the second Peri-plan?
Steven: The first one... wasn't so great.
Peridot: Yes, noted, Steven. But this plan is even more flawless! I cannibalized the Injector to make a rudimentary cannon! Observe.
(Peridot activates the cannon, which shoots a large object up into the sky and into the yonder.)
Steven: Whoa! Impressive!
Peridot: You got that right. This way, we can take it out from a distance!
Steven: *spots the Tongue Monster running in* Oh, there it is!
Peridot: I got it!
(The Tongue Monster notices Steven and Peridot and snarls with her tongues in the air in response. Peridot aims the cannon towards the Tongue Monster.)
Peridot: Heh, you clod.
(Peridot activates the cannon, but it does not shoot at all.)
Peridot: Huh? *starts banging her fist on the cannon* Work, you stupid- Argh!
(The cannon fires, the resulting recoil sending it backwards into Peridot, crashing her into the wall behind her and creating a mini-avalanche of boulders. The Tongue Monster then approaches Steven.)
Steven: Uhh... hey. You win this round. *chuckles nervously*
(The Tongue Monster attacks Steven again, as he screams in fright.)
[Fade to Black; Time-Skip]
(Peridot and Steven, both visibly roughened-up, stand near the edge of a cliff, next to a giant boulder.)
Peridot: Okay. I've analyzed the problems with the previous two Peri-plans. Relying on the Injectors introduced too many complicating variables. Now we only have to rely on simple physics! We'll wait until it gets right up under us, not suspecting a thing, because it's so dumb! And then we'll drop this rock on its stupid head! It's even more flawless! And at this height, nothing can fall on us!
Steven: What if it doesn't stop where we want it to?
Peridot: I'm doing the best I can, Steven!
(The Tongue Monster suddenly appears behind Steven and Peridot and snarls loudly, scaring them off the cliff. The Tongue Monster then taps on the giant boulder, causing it to fall as well. Peridot screams as she face-plants onto the ground, while Steven gently floats down.)
Peridot: I-
(The giant boulder falls onto Peridot, flattening her onto it, and rolls off carrying her away. Steven gives chase until he and Peridot come across an eroded formation of sandstone resembling a loop-de-loop. The giant boulder goes around the loop-de-loop and collides into Steven, as he quickly protects himself with the bubble. Steven's bubble goes around the loop and collides into the boulder, freeing Peridot, and it goes half-way up the loop.)
Peridot: I think-
(The giant boulder falls on Peridot on the ground, and Steven pops his bubble in shock.)
Steven: You don't poof easily, huh?
Peridot: Us Peridots are tougher than we look!
Mew burst out in laughter. "Okay, I'll concede and give you this round, Steven Universe. Anyways, Steven and Peridot managed to poof the Corrupted Gem, which Peridot bubbles for the first time and sends back to the barn.
"The next episode has Steven and Amethyst introducing their fusion, Smoky Quartz, to Garnet and Pearl, whose reactions to the news is like this," Mew said.
Amethyst: Ahem. We have someone we'd like you to meet!
Pearl: Alright, let's meet this mysterious stranger.
(Garnet and Pearl walk over to sit on the living room couch. Steven and Amethyst grab each other's hand and begin to fuse.)
Smoky: Heya, I'm Smoky Quartz! Nice to meet ya. *summons Amethyst's whip and Steven's shield*
(Garnet and Pearl are dumbfounded by Smoky's entrance.)
Pearl: AAAAAWOAHHH WHAAAAT?
Smoky: Don't bother putting your socks back on, 'cause I'm about to knock 'em off again. *fuses the two weapons in their yo-yo*
(Garnet begins smiling with sheer joy, while Pearl continues to mumble in shock.)
Smoky: Now you guys can see exactly how I beat Jasper. This is a little trick I like to call "Walk the Dog"!
(Smoky rolls their yo-yo across the floor smashing it into the wall.)
Pearl: Wait! Explain EVERYTHING!
(Garnet picks up Pearl and starts shaking her while yelling happily.)
"After that, Garnet and Pearl fuse into Sardonyx to try and figure out Smoky Quartz's potential within her room. Guess this means all fusions have their own rooms in the Crystal Gems temple, huh?" Mew asked, before shaking his head.
"Not important. What is important is the fact that Sardonyx realized they ruined Smoky Quartz's introduction, causing the former to unfuse, which caused the room to start fading away. Luckily for Pearl and Garnet, Smoky Quartz saved the day.
"The next episode is about Buddy, the guy who discovered Beach City thanks to the help of the Crystal Gems, trying to discover new things but failing.
"And then we get 'Mindful Education', which gives us a glimpse into the mindsets of Fused Gems, as Stevonnie suffers from guilt. First when Connie is still upset over accidentally breaking one of her classmate's arms, which got resolved after a song with Garnet. And then a second time when Steven starts to remember the incidents involving Bismuth, Jasper and Eyeball, along with believing Rose is disappointed in him. However, Connie managed to calm him down," Mew said.
(Bismuth, Jasper and Eyeball all burst into three swarms of butterflies, which fly into the air and start collectively amassing above Stevonnie. Stevonnie breaks down into tears as the butterflies form the head and hair of Rose Quartz, glaring down at them in disappointment. Stevonnie drops their sword in sheer remorse as they continue backing off.)
Stevonnie: No... No... No- Ah!
(Stevonnie backs too much and falls off the edge of the arena.)
Garnet & Pearl: Stevonnie!
(Garnet and Pearl run up to the edge and watch helplessly, as Stevonnie falls towards the earth. Stevonnie gasps and screams in fright, unfusing back into Steven and Connie.)
Connie: We're falling! Steven, let's fuse! We can hover. We'll be okay!
(Connie sees Steven crying in front of her, curled up while covering his face.)
Connie: Steven?
Steven: I didn't want to hurt anyone!
(Connie swims over to Steven and grabs hold onto him.)
Steven: I'm sorry! None of them would let me help them! I had no choice!
Connie: It's okay!
Steven: No, it's not!
Connie: But it's okay to think about it!
Steven: It feels so bad!
Connie: That's okay, too! There was nothing else you could've done!
Steven: I don't want to feel this way.
Connie: You have to. You have to be honest about how bad it feels so you can move on. That's how it was for me.
Steven: *sniffles* ... Okay.
(Connie and Steven fuse again into Stevonnie, returning to their hallucination, with a vortex of butterflies swarming below them.)
Stevonnie: Aaah-eeee! *inhales deeply* Just breathe.
(Stevonnie closes their eyes and falls through the vortex of butterflies. Down on the earth, Stevonnie eventually comes floating down and lands on the ground safe and sound. They laugh in relief and lay back on the ground, gazing up at the sky.)
Stevonnie: *sighs* I'm here.
"The next three episodes are just filler. Like Mr. Smiley forcing Steven to do child labor by replacing a fortune-telling animatronic, Steven and Amethyst takes Pearl to a rock concert and Steven becoming part of Onion's group of friends.
"And then we get to 'Gem's Harvest', where Greg's cousin, Andy DeMayo, makes his physical appearance. Actually, that episode had provided a couple of laughs from some scenes. See the following scenes," Mew said.
Andy: Yeah? Ah, well, that was real nice of ya. But the barn's for the DeMayo family.
Steven: Wh-What's a Demayo?
Andy: *surprised* Andy Demayo. Greg DeMayo. Steven DeMayo. We're the DeMayos.
Greg: Actually, we're, umm... the Universes, now.
Andy: *gets angry* You space walnut! You didn't even keep the family name? But you're goin' around givin' family property out like candy on... some... kind of... candy-givin'-out holiday?!
Steven: You're telling me Universe isn't a real last name?!
Greg: It is a real name. I had it changed. Andy, look, they just really needed a place. *turns to the Gems* They're alien refugees from space and-
Andy: They're illegal aliens!? Wha...? You couldn't even marry an American?!
Greg: What does that matter?!
Steven: DeMayo's a much cooler name than plain old Universe.
Andy: You turned your back on your family just so you could get in with a bunch of weirdo, hippie, Martian immigrants!? *points at Peridot and Lapis* You two, get the heck off my planet, out of my country, and out of my barn!
Pearl: So Andy, we heard you like marriage, so we thought, why don't we all marry each other?!
Peridot: Ta-daa!
(Peridot unveils a wedding cake with multiple figurines on it. Andy reacts with a look of discomfort.)
Pearl: And if that's not human enough for you, we can throw a little "being born" (Garnet holds a balloon reading "It's a boy!") and some "dying"! (Lapis carries a headstone, with the title "RIP Andy" over it.)
Lapis: *cheerfully* We're very sorry for your marriage. *hands Andy the headstone*
Pearl: We tried to cover as many celebrations in the human lifespan as we could.
Amethyst: Nice.
Steven: *gets increasingly uneasy* Oh boy...
Andy: *starts laughing* Okay, okay. I give up! It's too much! *keeps laughing and takes off his flight cap* All right. Where am I sitting?
Peridot: No! Say clod! Cl-od!
"I don't know why, but they're pretty hilarious out of context," Mew said, chuckling.
"And then we get to 'Three Gems and a Baby', which reveals why the Crystal Gems never attended any of Steven's birthdays until his 14th: they straight up kidnapped him due to believing their own reasons. Amethyst thought Steven was Rose shape-shifting into a baby form, Garnet thinks it's a fusion between Rose and Steven, and Pearl thinks that if they pull out the Gem from Steven, it'll reform into Rose again. However, as she did so, she stopped herself, claiming it's what Rose wanted, even if they didn't understand. But we all know it's because A.) Rose's true identity would've been revealed, and B.) Rose would've been mad at the death of her son." Mew said, as people started to boo him. Only for them to get blasted by Regigigas' laser.
"And then we get to the human zoo arc, which all began when Steven gets a dream about Blue crying at Pink's palanquin. The next day, he and Connie try to figure out what the palanquin meant, and Garnet starts to hide the truth of it from Steven. Which leads to this moment," Mew said.
Garnet: You can't go there!
(Everyone looks at Garnet in shock.)
Steven: Why not?
Amethyst: *scoots next to Steven* Yeah, why not?
(Garnet is hesitant to say anything, and Steven sighs in disappointment as he closes the journal.)
Steven: I thought you were going to tell me everything from now on.
Pearl: Oh, Steven... We...
Steven: Does this have anything to do with Pink Diamond? I already know Mom shattered her, so what is it about this that you can't tell me?
(Pearl covers her mouth in sorrow and glances over to Garnet.)
Garnet: Please, you're making Pearl very upset.
Steven: NO! I'm very upset!
(Connie and Amethyst exchange worried glances as they backs away from the heated conversation.)
Garnet: We're. Not. Going. Rose never wanted you to see this place.
Steven: Rose wanted- *getting angry* Urgh!- WHAT ABOUT WHAT I WANT? I'm sick of everyone lying to me! Rose is my mom, out of anyone, DON'T I DESERVE TO KNOW THE TRUTH?!
(Amethyst begins munching on a box of popcorn, offering it to Connie, who silently rejects it.)
Garnet: This isn't the time.
Steven: I. DON'T. CARE! I wanna go there NOW!
Garnet: Steven!
Connie: I'm sorry... I- I shouldn't have brought the book.
Steven: *shouting* Yes you should've brought it. It's lucky something has some information that I don't have to GET OUT OF THEM!
(Steven points at Garnet and Pearl in frustration.)
"So Garnet tries to get Steven to reconsider, claiming that if she explained it to him, he'll want to go even more. So, Steven and Greg go to Korea, where, after an entire montage of having fun, they notice Blue Diamond crying for Pink. However, Blue Diamond and her Pearl noticed they're not alone, so Greg decides to at least talk to her, and they had a conservation about grieving for lost ones. And then Blue takes Greg with her, which Steven tries to prevent but fails. And then Garnet shows up to catch Steven," Mew said.
(Steven continues to fall, when Garnet suddenly leaps in and catches him in midair. She lands back on the ground and embraces Steven.)
Garnet: Steven, I'm s- I'm sorry!
Steven: Garnet!
Garnet: I saw you come here, I saw Blue Diamond on Earth, I saw her see me and find all of us, I couldn't be here with you!
Steven: She took my dad! It's all my fault! I should've listened to you! What are we gonna do, Garnet?
Garnet: We're going to space. We're going to get him back.
"And that's when Garnet became my least favorite character. Either that, or Rebecca Sugar and the Crewniverse proved that they can kill off their character's personalities and credibility much better than the fans." Mew grumbled.
"I mean, seriously? Garnet decided not to go till the last minute because she was worried Blue Diamond would recognize her and realize where the Crystal Gems are? Yeah, right! And even if Blue did know where they were, why would Steven want to go to Blue Diamond even more if Garnet had told him? Seriously, he never doubted her before whenever she used her future vision so why would this be the one time he wouldn't listen to her? And, if so, did Garnet forget Steven doesn't have future visions? Seriously, earlier in this season, she had to temporarily give him that ability when he was stuck doing child labor for Mr. Smiley! How hard would it be to tell Steven what would happen? But noooooo, we had to make Steven feel like it's his fault for Greg getting kidnapped, all because no one wanted to be honest with him, like they promised!" Mew ranted.
"Anyways, Steven and the Crystal Gems go to space, break Greg out, go back to Earth, and all while Connie, Lapis and Peridot fail to make their own Crystal Gems team. Now, can we move on?" Mew asked, taking deep breaths to calm himself.
"The next episode, 'Storm in the Room', Steven goes into Rose's room because he wants to know the real her, and they have fun. That is, until Steven takes a photo of the two of them and realizes something about the photo," Mew said.
Rose: Steven.
(Rose pats the ground, and Steven sits down next to her.)
Steven: I've been, uh thinking about you a lot. More than usual.
Rose: Is that so?
Steven: Yeah, well...for my whole life, I've been hearing stories about you. About how amazing you were. That you were so kind and loving. And every time I'd see the painting hanging of you in the temple, you inspired me. And reminded me of how much I had to live up to you. I've, uh... *chuckles nervously* Even thought about dying my hair pink. More than once.
Rose: *giggles and ruffles Steven's hair* There's nothing wrong with your hair. It's wonderful just the way it is. Wonderful in every way. Just like you
(Steven lies against Rose's lap, and she embraces him.)
Steven: Wow... this is it. It-it's really nice. *begins tearing up* I-I should have tried this a long time ago.
Rose: But Steven, don't you realize? We've been together this whole time.
Steven: Oh! *laughs* That's- That's right! *sniffles and gets up* Oh, this is the first time we've hung out together. *takes out his phone* I gotta capture this moment!
(Steven prepares to snap a selfie of himself and Rose, when he looks at the phone screen and sees only himself, in a black background, in the camera.)
Steven: There's nothing here but me. I'm just... talking to myself. *gets up, keeps his phone and looks at Rose* You're not my mom.
Rose: I'm not?
Steven This is how I want you to be. But I don't know if this is who you really are.
(The atmosphere in the room quickly turns dark.)
Steven: I've learned things about you. Things you wanted to keep secret. You locked Bismuth away inside of Lion, because she wanted to shatter Gems, and you never told Garnet or Pearl. But then you shattered Pink Diamond! Now all of Homeworld has it out for Earth, and the Crystal Gems, and me! You put us all in danger, and you just... disappeared!
(Thunder rumbles and lightning strikes in the room, startling Steven. Strong wind begins to blow, lifting Steven away and knocking onto the ground. Rose begins floating in the air, with a dark shadow cast upon her face.)
Steven: I finally know the truth. I know what you are! You're a liar! I thought you'd never want to hurt anyone, but you hurt everyone! How could you just leave Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl, and-and Dad?! They don't know what to do without you! *gets up from the ground* Maybe they didn't matter to you, as much as hiding the mess you made! And that's why I'm here, isn't it?! Did you just make me, so you just wouldn't have to deal with your mistakes?!
(Rose remains silent in the storm. Steven sighs and falls to his knees in sorrow.)
Steven: Is that what I'm all here for?...
(Rose floats down in front of Steven, and the storm calms down.)
Rose: Steven, you know that isn't true. In the tape I left you, I told you how much I wanted to have you and let you exist. Do you think what I said to you in the tape was a lie?
Steven: *looks away* No... I'm sure- I'm sure you meant it.
(Rose walks over and gives Steven a hug. It then begins to rain in the room.)
Steven: I get it. I know you didn't want me to deal with your problems. You're a part of me now. I have to deal with what you left behind.
(Steven hugs Rose tighter, as she disappears into clouds.)
"I don't care what anyone is going to say, that was the real Rose talking to Steven throughout the episode. She used the room to briefly gain a physical body so that she can hang out with Steven for one day, just so he can have one happy memory of her. The evidence is how she knows about the video. Sure, people might claim that Steven used the room to make a version of Rose, but the room can't make emotions, as shown with the other two times Steven used the room, so that was the real Rose." Mew explained, wiping a tear from his eye.
"And after some more filler, we get confirmation that Rose wanted Steven to live his own life in the episode 'Lion 4: Alternative Ending', Steven tries to figure out the secret meaning behind Rose's video for him. And he dives deeper down that hole once Lion coughs up a giant key, which Steven spends the entire episode trying to figure out what it unlocks. Lion then takes him to Rose's landfill, where he uses the key to unlock it and finds a video for Nora, which has the same speech Rose gave to him on his video. Steven then went to Greg, who, once and for all, cements Rose's reason for giving birth to Steven," Mew said.
Steven: No! *pauses the video* I don't understand. Why is this the same as the video you guys made me? Who's Nora?
Greg: *chuckles and wipes away his tears* N-Nora is you.
Steven: *dumbstruck* I'm my mom and my sister?! What kind of destiny is this?!
Greg: No, no. We just had it down to two names: Steven if you were a boy, and Nora if you were a girl.
Steven: So, then, would Nora have the magical destiny if I wasn't here?
Greg: Magical destiny? I don't know about that.
Steven: But Mom did. She was trying to tell me something with my tape. She keeps leaving me... puzzle pieces. *tears up* Sooner or later, I'm going to understand what I'm for!
Greg: Woah! Steven, it's okay. *pats the edge of the van* Come here. Come here.
Steven: *sits down* Am I supposed to be- D-did she want me to be Nora?
Greg: Steven, she just wanted you to be you. When you have a kid, you have no idea who they're gonna be. Even Garnet couldn't predict it. That's what was so exciting to your mom, that life is full of so many possibilities, and you would get to explore them for yourself. I mean, you could be Steven or Nora or anyone else. And you can always change your name. Hey, I did.
(Steven, after a little pause, resumes the tape.)
Rose (TV): "Because you're going to become something extraordinary. You're going to be a human being. *giggles* That's my favorite part. A human being. A human is an action. I wonder who, how you'll be, what you'll think, what you'll want. Oh, I'm so happy for everyone who's going to know you. *chuckles* I'm rambling. If they look to you, trust yourself. Take care of them, Nora."
(The video ends and the screen fizzles with static.)
Steven: So that's it. I'm just... supposed to be her kid.
Greg: Well... yeah. Is that okay?
Steven: Yeah. *wipes away his tears* I think I can handle that.
"Aw, Rose proves she's the best parent Steven needs. If only there were a way for the two to exist at the same time," Mew mused.
"And the last episodes for the season show two Gems kidnapping people from Beach City: Lars, Sadie, Jamie and Onion. But who could the culprits be?" Mew asked.
Aquamarine: Are you, "My Dad"? I need to find "My Dad."
"Aw, you're so cute, you little thing that could do no wr-" Mew began.
(Steven continues to struggle, trying to get out of the fallen log, when the ground begins to tremble. Connie draws her sword as a large yellow Gem approaches, with the missing humans merged and struggling inside them.)
Connie: Another Gem! She... She has everyone.
Steven: Let them go!
(Topaz unfuses, separating into two smaller Topazes, while still holding onto the missing humans. The Topazes charge towards Connie and hold hands. Before Connie can even do anything, the Topazes fuse back together with Connie in between, merging her in their body as well.)
Steven: Connie!
(Steven finally manages to break free from the fallen log and runs towards Topaz.)
Aquamarine: *perches on top of Topaz* Look at those organics squirming around.
Steven: Give me back my friends! *summons his shield*
Aquamarine: Don't bother listening to that "Steven", he's not "My Dad".
(Aquamarine takes off her hair bow, turning it into a small wand. She fires a tractor beam at Steven and hurls him into a tree.)
Aquamarine: Now, all we need is "My Dad" and we're out of here!
Mew calmy flew over to the window overlooking the valley where Regigigas was beating up the army of angry fans.
"Regigigas, I know you're busy letting off some steam, but if you would so kindly blast Aquamarine into oblivion," Mew said, still acting calm.
The scene zooms out to show Regigigas' laser blasting Aquamarine to kingdom come.
"Okay, that didn't happen. Rebecca Sugar, Cartoon Network and the website this review is posted on won't let me live my fantasy. My Final Fantasy!" Mew exclaimed as the main theme for the Final Fantasy series play in the background.
"Anyways, the last episode has Steven and the Crystal Gems attempting to confront Aquamarine and her two Topazes, but are unable to get anywhere due to Aquamarine being willing to harm the humans.
"So Steven gives himself up, claiming to be 'My Dad', and plans on using a bubble to unfuse Topaz, which took a while due to her thick mass. But he managed it, which allows everyone, except for Steven and Lars, to jump out into Alexandrite's hands. Only for Aquamarine to freeze everyone with her wand, forcing Steven to make the very decision Rose never wanted him to make, the very decision they literally spend two episodes of Steven learning Rose gave birth to him so that he would be himself, and then throw that out of the window just because they didn't had any other ideas for a resolution," Mew said.
Aquamarine Nice try. But it's hopeless, "my dad". I can't go back to Homeworld without getting what the Diamonds want.
(Steven glances down at his friends in peril and begins to confess in defeat.)
Steven: I'm... not my dad.
Aquamarine: What?!
Steven: I'm not my dad!
Aquamarine: How much longer is this mission going to take?
Steven: Well, I can end it for you, right now.
Aquamarine: Oh, really?
Steven: I'm someone the Diamonds will want more than any of these humans: the leader of the Crystal Gem rebellion; the Gem that shattered Pink Diamond. I'm not my dad. I'm my mom. *lifts his shirt* I'm Rose Quartz!
Aquamarine: *gasps* No way.
"And the season ends with Steven, Aquamarine, Topaz and Lars, who no one knew were still on the ship, left for Homeworld. And this season is the worst! People say a series gets better as it progresses, but in this case, it got worse. I need a break to prepare myself for Season 5," Mew said, going to another part of the Tree of Beginning.
Regieleki appeared out of nowhere, riding a skateboard for some reason. "I'm riding a skateboard! And so is this commercial!" Regieleki said, sounding like a skater as he turned on the commercial.
(Cue instrumental version of theme song)
This commercial was brought to you by the G-Men
"We are the people you call when things get messy. We are the people you call once Pokémon gets out of control. We are the people you call when Pokémon get abused or mistreated. We are the people you call when the regular police aren't enough. We are the G-Men!" A deep voice said as the silhouette of various members appeared on screen.
"And our current job is-
"We interrupt this commercial with breaking news! Lance, champion of the Johto Region and member of the G-Men is dealing with an out of control Aerodactyl!" A news reporter said as the scene switched over to show Lance having just knocked out said Aerodactyl.
"Moby Dick, no!" cried out the Aerodactyl's Trainer.
Lance grabbed the Poké Ball for Aerodactyl from the Trainer and returned Aerodactyl back into the device.
"Look, kid, I don't know who would give you an Old Amber or even decide to resurrect an Aerodactyl from it and give it to you, but this is completely irresponsible. You could actually go to prison for something like this if you abuse the Aerodactyl or even work for an evil organization," Lance said.
"But Moby Dick…" the Trainer said.
"Won't be going back to you, unfortunately. Not only do you not have the experience to handle it, but whoever gave you the Old Amber and brought it back to life clearly knew and didn't care," Lance said.
"Well, it was the head scientist of Pewter City Museum and Cinnabar Island Lab who did those things." The Trainer said sadly.
"..." Lance stood there speechless, pissed off at the head scientists.
Next time on Kanto Criminal Minds:
"I knew this would come to bite me in the butts someday," said the former head scientists of the Pewter City Museum and Cinnabar Island Lab, wearing orange jumpsuits and looking miserable.
Screen fades to black as the commercial ends.
(Cue instrumental version of theme song)
"Well, I'm back. And I wish I could skip over the filler episodes for this season, but unfortunately, the Crewniverse decided to make every filler episode in this season story-relevant episodes, meaning I can't skip over the filler. And if you decide to watch the show but never watch the other four seasons, then congrats, you get to watch Regular Show!" Mew said.
"Anyways, to save time and energy, I'm gonna give a brief summary for the episodes. 'A Single Pale Rose' and 'Change Your Mind' are the exceptions to this rule. Ready?" Mew asked, before beginning the summaries.
"'Stuck Together', Lars and Steven finally have a chat, only to get separated at the end.
"'The Trail', it turns out Rose didn't kill Pink after all. It was a Diamond who did the deed," Mew said.
"You must die!" Ganon(with the other Diamonds' faces over his own) shouted at Zelda(who had Pink's head over hers).
"'Off Colors', Steven and Lars meet rejected Gems, and Lars dies after getting character development."
"You are dead. No big surprise."
"'Lars' Head', Lars is now a pink zombie and Steven returns to Earth via Lars' hair.
"'Dewey Wins', Connie gets mad at Steven for his plan at the end of season 4, which while she's sorta right about how reckless it was, she's also wrong about how she could've helped Steven with the whole disaster. Mayor Dewey loses his job as mayor and Steven realizes that the whole situation is similar to his and Connie's problems.
"'Gemcation', the Gems and Greg takes Steven out on a vacation and thinks he's upset about what happened on Homeworld, but he's more concerned about his and Connie's friendship.
"'Raising the Barn', Lapis decides to leave Earth after finding out that Steven had escaped the Diamonds, all just because she didn't want to be in another war, therefore leaving Peridot homeless."
"What? What the fuck?!" exclaimed Jontron.
"'Back to the Kindergarten', Peridot, Steven and Amethyst try to bring plant-life to the Kindergarten, only for it to fail. However, they decided to find some other place for Peridot to do some gardening.
"'Sadie Killer', Sadie becomes part of a band made by the Cool Kids and quits her job at the Dunkin' Donuts rip-off.
"'Kevin Party', Steven and Connie get invited to a party by the guy they hate because he wants them to become Stevonnie, but they resolve their issues by realizing they're both wrong and leave the party.
"'Lars of the Stars', Lars tries to pretend he's fine being in space, only to get upset when finding out Sadie is part of a band and only remembers he's in charge of Gems, Steven and Connie when remembering that just like he didn't mean to hurt anyone when he died and then stay in space, Sadie isn't hurting him by being happy. Steven and Connie then fuse, pilot a small ship, and end up crashing on a moon.
"'Jungle Moon', Stevonnie becomes a survivalist and experiences Pink's flashback when Yellow tells her to act like the other Diamonds and less like herself."
Stevonnie/Pink Diamond: Yellow!
Dr. Maheswaran/Yellow Diamond: Pink!
"'Your Mother and Mine', Garnet tells the Off Colors how Rose had defeated Pink while Steven still thinks about how that whole thing might be wrong.
"'The Big Show', Steven films a documentary of Sadie and the Suspect Killers, which is the name of the band she's a part of. That's all there is to this episode.
"'Pool Hopping', Garnet tries to figure out things after everything that happened, realizing that she was trying to figure everything out because Steven is making his own decisions. She then adopts a cat.
"'Can't Go Back', Steven finds out Lapis had been on the moon base the whole time, and she had a song about wanting to be brave, like Peridot. However, after Steven gets a dream showing the last time Blue and Yellow interact with Pink, along with Pearl seemingly shattering Pink, Lapis leaves and Steven decides to talk to Pearl.
"'A Single Pale Rose', Steven tries to get an answer out of Pearl about her role in shattering Pink, but Pearl physically can't tell Steven for some reason. So, she texts him from within her own Gem and allows Steven inside the Gem so that he can get the phone, and the answers. After walking past the inner portions of her, most of them show her inner problems from the Homeworld War and the news that Rose is giving birth, Steven finally stumbles upon the version of Pearl who had shape-shifted into Rose as she supposedly shattered Pink.
"She then shows Steven the conservation that led up to that moment, including the reason why Pearl can't reveal this physically," Mew said.
Rose: And then we'll be done. It's going to be easy!
Pearl #4: There's got to be another way. I mean, maybe-
Rose: Blue and Yellow don't care; they never have. This is Pink Diamond's colony. We can end it all right here, right now.
Pearl #4: *clutching Rose's sword* You know this is crazy, right? (Rose nods.) Your status, my purpose. None of it will matter anymore. (Rose nods more excitedly.) This will change everything.
Rose: I know! Isn't it exciting?!
Pearl #4: *sighs and blushes* It is.
Rose: We can leave our old lives behind. If this is really my world, I want to give it to the Crystal Gems. I want to live here with human beings! I wanna live here with you! We'll both finally be free!
Pearl #4: *smiles and looks at Rose determinedly* Okay. I'm ready.
Rose: *excitedly* Peeearl!
(Steven continues watching intently as Rose holds Pearl's hands.)
Pearl #4: I can't believe I'm going to do this.
Rose: I can't exactly shatter myself.
(Rose and Pearl hug each other and Rose begins shapeshifting. Steven watches and gasps in shock as Rose turns back into her normal self: Pink Diamond. Steven presses himself against the throne, as Pink Diamond and Pearl #4 walk past. Pink Diamond steps out of the palanquin and returns with a single hibiscus flower and a pile of dirt in her hand. Pearl takes the flower and puts it in her hair. Pink Diamond blows into the dust pile and tightly squeezes it, compressing it into fake gem shards, surprising Steven.)
Pink Diamond: Convincing?
Pearl #4: *gets uncomfortable* Very much so, my Diamond.
Pink Diamond: Soon, it will be just Rose.
(Pink Diamond pops the shards into her mouth and swallows them. Pearl begins to unsheathe the sword but Pink Diamond halts her.)
Pink Diamond: Wait! There's one last thing I need to do.
Pearl #4: *puts the sword on the floor* Yes?
Pink Diamond: No one can ever find out we did this. I never want to look back. *folds Pearl's hands to cover her mouth* So, for my last order to you as a Diamond, please, let's never speak of this again. No one can know.
(Pink Diamond stands up and proceeds to step outside her palanquin. Steven gasps in shock as Pearl #4 turns to look at him, noticing him behind the throne.)
"And the next episode, 'Now We're Only Falling Apart', reveals why Pink did all of the things she did, as Pearl explains to Sapphire, who, after unfusing from Ruby, ran off. Long story short, Pink wants to visit her army, but knows she won't hear the end of it from Yellow and Blue. So Pearl suggests she shape-shift, which Pink did. Soon, she sees the beauty of Earth and realizes that the Gem colony is slowly killing off the planet. She tried telling Yellow and Blue multiple times that she wants to stop the production of the colonies, but they told her to smile and wave while they do all the ruling.
"Mad that she wasn't being heard by her fellow Diamonds, she decided to make the Crystal Gems to fight off Homeworld. In fact, Pearl even confirmed that it was thanks to Ruby and Sapphire fusing into Garnet that Rose decided to fight for love. The episode ends with Pearl, Steven and Sapphire returning only to notice that Ruby is gone.
"'What's Your Problem?', Steven and Amethyst went off to find Ruby. Along the way, Amethyst is trying to get Steven to acknowledge his own emotions regarding his mother, but he wants Amethyst to talk about her own emotions. She finally talks about how she's tired of everyone, including herself, dumping their emotional baggage on Steven and swears to make sure that never happens again. They then find Ruby on a hill with Greg.
"'The Question', Ruby decides to be a cowboy, or a cowgirl, only to want to be with Sapphire again, this time, their relationship being their own decision. Which is dumb, because Pink didn't told them to stay as Garnet, she just support their relationship. Anyways, Steven tells her to propose to Sapphire, which she does, much to Sapphire's joy.
"'Made of Honor', Steven unbubbles Bismuth and catches her up on everything that happened after her debut episode. After some assurances, Bismuth is accepted by the Crystal Gems, ignoring how she almost killed Steven the last time.
"'Reunited'. Garnet gets married, the Diamonds try to get the Cluster only for it to knock them to the ground, and Lapis comes back, only to be poofed by Yellow Diamond. Peridot also gets poofed. Steven then stops the two Diamonds by revealing that he's Pink's child, stopping their attack.
"'Legs From Here to Homeworld', Yellow and Blue believe Steven in Pink Diamond, they're surprised that there are Corrupted Gems since they thought they, along with White, shattered every Gem with the Corrupting Light. Steven, Connie, the Crystal Gems and the two Diamonds head to Homeworld to try and convince White to help uncorrupting the Corrupted Gems, only for White to send Steven to Pink's room.
"'Familiar', Steven tries talking to the other Diamonds, but not only do they still think of him as Pink, they're also going back to their normal schedules, therefore ignoring the issues of the Corrupted Gem. Steven soon realizes he and Pink had so much in common that he decides the best way to stop the Diamonds is...throwing a ball. Yes, really.
"'Together Alone', Steven throws a ball, hoping White Diamond would show up. However, her Pearl attends in her place, making it all for nothing. Connie decides to dance with Steven to get his mind off the whole thing, resulting in the two fusing, which gets Yellow and Blue mad. Ruby and Sapphire fused back into Garnet as Pearl and Amethyst fused into Opal to support Stevonnie, only for the first two to get poofed by Yellow, and Stevonnie gets thrown into a prison cell shortly afterwards.
"'Escapism', Stevonnie unfuses, and Steven uses astral projection to send a message to Bismuth. After ending up in a Watermelon Steven and going through everything nature throws at him, Steven manages to give Bismuth the message. He and Connie then wait for Bismuth to arrive via Yellow and Blue Diamond's arm ships.
"'Change Your Mind', or if you prefer it's original title, 'Battle of Hearts and Mind', is a four-part episode. Steven sees Pink's memories of when she got in trouble with Blue, then wakes up right as Blue starts to reprimand him for fusing with Connie. After he refuses to apologize, Blue hits him with her powers, causing him to call her out for making Pink cry so many times, which caused Blue to realize what she and the other Diamonds had done to Pink.
"Blue breaks Connie and Steven out and takes them to Yellow's tower to get the Crystal Gems, only for Yellow to fight Blue. Steven stops the fight by getting Yellow to realize that the 'perfect' empire she was fighting for isn't perfect at all, and so Yellow is now on their side.
"The four of them, along with Bismuth, Peridot and Lapis, the last two who new appearances confirm their status as Crystal Gem members, attempt to talk to White. However, White takes control of Yellow and Blue, causing Steven and the poofed Crystal Gems to fall down.
"Steven fuses with their Gems, causing them to reform instantly, along with the appearance of two new fusions: Rainbow Quartz 2.0 and Sunstone. Steven and the Crystal Gems soon fuse into Obsidian so that they could climb into White Diamond's ship, where White takes control of the Crystal Gems.
"She soon starts making Steven confused about his own identity by claiming that if he was his own person, why would he have Pink's memories? She then grabbed him, ripped Pink out of his belly button, and then dropped him.
"Now, we all know that at this point, Steven's Gem 'choose' to be Steven to prove that Steven is his own person, but given we had some proof that Pink is still alive, I'm sure this happened," Mew said.
"Oh gods, White ripped me out of Steven, and now he's lying down on the ground, probably dying from internal wounds that White gave him when she dropped him. And to make things worse, everyone still thinks he's me, despite multiple evidence showing otherwise. What should I do?!" Pink asked herself, before an idea popped into her head.
"Of course. I'll take the form of Steven. Not only will that show everyone that he's his own person, but it'll make them think I'm officially dead, therefore confirming my last point. Oh, me, you're a genius!"
"I'm sticking with that story, and you can't convince me otherwise." Mew said.
"So, Pink reforms as her son, just as Connie manages to wake Steven up. White asks where Pink is, to which Pink, in the form of her son, shouts that she's gone and walks towards her son, blocking everything White and all the controlled Gems throw her way, until she finally becomes a part of her son once more. And, I'll admit, the scene actually brings a tear to my eye." Mew admitted.
(With White knocked out, Connie and Gem Steven continue their advance towards each other, until they reach each other.)
Connie: Here.
(Connie cautiously hands the weakened Steven to Gem Steven's arms. Reunited with his gem, Steven breaks into tears and hugs Gem Steven, laughing heartily. Gem Steven then smiles widely and laughs along, the first sign of any emotion, and the two begin twirling each other around in a joyful dance.)
White Diamond: What are you doing? Pink! Why are you laughing?
(Steven and Gem Steven continue to cheer and dance joyfully, even as White stares from a prone position, her face mere feet away from where they stand. The two Stevens begin to glow as they fuse back together, becoming whole again.)
"Long story short, White Diamond throws a hissy fit, Steven calls her out for trying to hide everyone's flaws, the Corrupted Gems are no longer corrupted, and Zamasu got eaten by a T. Rex in Jurassic Park," Mew said.
"Bottom line, this show sucks. It's worse than Magikarp and Feebas, even when fused." Mew said, before sighing.
"The show could've worked well if it was about accepting flaws, given that was Pink's character, and Steven finished it. But no, since the entire show has to revolve around Steven trying to get everyone to see him as himself and not as Pink, which Pink wanted Steven to be his own person, the show ended up a mess. A mess that is not even Spongebob clean, and that sponge can clean Timmy Turner off the face of the planet. Especially since the majority of the fanbase only see the good parts of this show that they never noticed the flaws.
"The good parts, the filler, the side characters, even the space Nazis, which is dumb that those three can be redeemable, yet Pink, the one character who made mistakes thanks to the space Nazis, is consider the true villain due to everything she did. I mean, they're the one who put it in her head that she's not important as a diamond, so of course, she did what she did because they never once showed her any signs that they cared.
"And it's really dumb that Steven is the one to redeem the Diamonds by talking to them, because it makes it seem like Pink didn't try hard, when Pearl herself confirm that Pink tried everything. The Diamonds never loved her, they lied to Steven so that he would feel bad for them and give them redemption. So, Yellow, Blue and White, you're fired. Give me the Breaking Point and leave life!" Mew shouted, finishing his rant.
"At least the problems are ov-" Mew began.
A heart-shaped Gem flips, showing Steven and the Crystal Gems with worried expressions on their faces. The Gem flipped one last time to show an ominous figure as a high-pitched laughter echoed in the background.
"Oh no. I'm the Critical Mew, and I review these things so you don't have to. Now, if you excuse me, I am starting to rethink my decisions," Mew said, shaking his head in disbelief as he flew away.
Next time: Amphibia Season 1
Credits:
The New Scooby-Doo Mysteries theme song
Steven Universe
Jontron
Amphibia(Suspicion Island Joke)
Steven Universe Meets Spongebob Squarepants Part 4
Legend of Zelda CDI Rom game
Bulbapedia