(A/N: So, I know a while back(mainly part 2 of my review on Steven Universe) I said I was going to try and be as unbiased as possible. However, I also remembered that at times, you just have to go with your own opinions, regardless of what anyone thinks(not saying that a vast majority of you will tell me what to think, but just putting it out there as a precaution). That doesn't mean I'm justified in bashing the Steven Universe franchise, nor the staff who worked on it. However, it's just how I feel when it comes to the franchise, especially with the flaws that some fans choose to ignore. If you enjoy the show, flaws and all, then that's fine. This review and all of my reviews, past and future, aren't there just to change your opinions on something or to convince you otherwise, it's just me getting my opinions out there and sometimes even pointing out the flaws and how they could've fixed them. Anyways, hope you enjoy and please leave a comment, as I want to know what you guys think of these reviews and how I can fix them.
P.S.: If you're wondering why my brother decided to swear a lot during the previous review, well, let's just say he wanted to make his mark, in a way that is different compared to Mew's(and my) child-friendly methods. With that out of the way, onto the review.
A trio of glowing dots looked at the readers.
Critical Mew, looking for you
The glowing dots split into the Legendary Titans(excluding Regigigas).
Critical Mew, where are you?
The Critical Mew flies in, wearing a trench coat and a hat, giving the readers a wink.
Come on, Mew, where you been?
The Critical Mew took off the trench coat and used Transform, becoming a king, a dame with blonde hair, a waiter and an Elvis impersonator.
Trouble's on the loose again
A mysterious figure showed up, trying to crush Mew with a sandbag, only to narrowly miss. He looked behind him to the embodiment of stress, who proceeded to chase him to a door of things to review, which began to do the Thriller hip movements.
(Mew)
They're not gonna get you
(Critical Mew)
The Legendary Titans went in a protective circle in front of Mew, protecting him.
Uh uh, the Regi Trio's gonna help you
(Mew)
Mew was in a barrel full of toys, deciding to peek out only for the floor to break under him, causing him to grab a loose floorboard with his tail.
Ooh, the comment's gonna be there
Registeel jumped on the floorboard, launching Mew into the air. Regice and Regirock caught Mew in their arms. Regieleki and Regidrago let out a sigh of relief.
And the readers too
The Critical Mew floated past Lavender Town, only for the ghost of Marowak to appear, scaring him away.
Critical Mew, looking for you
Mew was surrounded by loads of Ghost and Dark-Type Pokemon, all about to ambush him.
Critical Mew, where are you?
Only for the Legendary Titans to attack them all, saving Mew as they head back to the Tree of Beginning.
Mew, Critical Mew
Mew
The stuff to be reviewed danced once again, doing the Thriller hip moves.
Critical Mew
Mew
A pair of eyes zoom out, showing Mew and the Legendary Titans with the Tree of Beginning in the background.
Critical Mew!
The Critical Mew-Season One
Episode 10: Steven Universe The Movie
Tree of Beginning, Kanto Region-November 2021
"...You know, it's like Cartoon Network couldn't make up their minds regarding this show back when it was still airing, given the amount of times they decided to cancel it, then change their minds later, giving it more seasons, a movie, and another show. Then again, we are talking about the same company who still airs the Toddler Titans, AKA, Teen Titans Go!, despite the fact that excluding kids, no one likes that show. And it's the only Cartoon Network show from 2013 that's still airing. That's saying something." Mew said with a frown.
"However, we're not talking about that mess. Ever. We're talking about this one. As you all remember, when Steven Universe had the 'Change Your Mind' or as it also known, 'Battle of Heart and Mind' four-parter finale in January of 2019, Cartoon Network dropped a trailer at the end, confirming that the story wasn't over just yet.
"And then eight months later, the movie came out, much to everyone's praises. Though, there's one question: did it fix all the problems I have with the original show?" Mew asked, before sighing. "Roll the clip," he said as Regieleki pressed play.
*The trailer for Steven Universe The Movie appears on screen while 'True Kind of Love' plays in the background*
"I would give you all the simple answers, but then again, that would be easy, not to mention too cheap, for this review. So, in order to answer that question, we need to dive deep into this film, to see exactly if this movie is as good as everyone remembers it, or if the film suffers from the same problems as before. This is Steven Universe The Movie.
"Also, before you all ask, my co-star from the previous episode absolutely refuses to review anything Steven Universe related, so don't expect him to help out. Heck, his résumé says that he hates Pokémon, but he hates Steven Universe more. I'm not sure if I should take that as an insult or a compliment, so I stick with both.
"Anyways, we begin this with a song that blatantly rips off old Disney films. Oh, and this is sung to us by the Diamonds of all people," Mew said, unamused.
The Diamonds: What a revelation,
He's a revolution,
A Gem that loves and grows!
"You know who else was loving and growing?"
Jasper: Wha-!? My Diamond! YOUR DIAMOND! PINK! DIAMOND!
"Exactly. Thanks, Jasper. Wonder what the other Diamonds have to say about her. Oh, I bet they're regretting everything they put her thro-"
White Diamond: Once upon a time, the Gem Homeworld was ruled by Diamonds: White, Yellow, Blue, and the littlest Diamond, Pink. While the other Diamonds conquered many worlds across the galaxy, Pink had only one - the planet Earth. One day, Pink fled the comforts of Homeworld. On Earth, she made a new home, new friends, and finally, new life; giving up her form to bequeath her gem to her half-human son. Without Pink, Gemkind entered an era of despair.
Mew had a blank expression for a moment, his body still except for the twitching of his tail.
"Um, my lord, art thou alrig-" Regidrago began to ask.
"ARGH!" Mew shouted in anger, as Regidrago immediately moved away. "For 5,500 years, you had let everyone, including Blue and Yellow, thought Pink was dead! In that time, you put more pressure on everyone else to be more perfect! And then two years prior to this film, Steven comes, asking for help to fix your mistake, and you were perfectly content to let things happen your way because it's better than admitting that you were wrong! And when you're proven wrong, after you and the other Diamonds finally realize that you, Blue and Yellow are the ones who drove Pink away and made her think you guys don't care, that's all you have to say for yourselves?! Is that she's the one who drove Homeworld into an era of despair?! STOP USING HER AS A SCAPEGOAT AND ACCEPT THAT IT'S YOUR FAULT, WHITE!" Mew shouted.
"And why is Steven allowing this? Wasn't he the one who called them out in different ways?" Mew asked.
Blue Diamond: That's enough!
(Blue summons a concentrated burst of blue energy and throws it at Steven, knocking him across the room. Steven grunts as he is knocked a good distance backward. Falling on his hands and knees, he notices more tears flowing from his face.)
Steven: This isn't normal.
(Blue backs away a bit, surprised.)
Steven: How many times did you lock her in here? How many times did you make her cry?"
Blue Diamond: *gets defensive* I didn't, I...
(Blue quickly realizes her abuse and gasps in horror, as she dissipates her blue aura. She then falls against the wall by the window, tears welling up in her eyes once more, and her hair slightly disheveled as it is pushed against the wall.)
Blue Diamond: And I'm doing it again... Aren't I?
(Blue Diamond slumps down the wall, as tears flow down her cheeks. Steven and Connie look at each other briefly, before Steven jumps and floats up to the window to speak eye-to-eye with Blue.)
Blue Diamond: And this is why you left... isn't it?
Steven: You don't have to do this!
Yellow Diamond: Yes, I do! This is what White Diamond expects of all of us; from a thin flake of mica to the deepest, hardest stone! We all must make sacrifices for the sake of our perfect empire!
Steven: Does THIS look perfect to you?!
(Yellow Diamond pauses, looking around at the fallout of her wrath - an injured Blue Diamond, and her damaged citadel. Tellingly, she doesn't answer)
White: No! You are Pink Diamond! That is Pink Diamond's gem! You do not look like this! You do not sound like this! You're not half-human, you're just... A-acting like a child!
Steven: I am a child. What's your excuse?
"Did none of the Diamonds learn their lessons at all? And no, just because they might've moved on from her death doesn't give them the excuse to use her as a scapegoat for White's high expectations. Heck, I have to give the original show some credit, at least they have the Gems who get redeemed actually never getting away with their Tauros-crud of an excuse for why they think it's okay to harm others. This? This is just stupid." Mew said.
White Diamond: But, when Steven Universe learned of his heritage, he reunited with his fellow Diamonds and championed a new era of peace and freedom across the furthest reaches of space. *shuts the book*
"And by 'learning', you mean finding out through Pearl's memories, never having the proper time to process it due to Garnet unfusing, having to fix that mess via a wedding, helping Bismuth redeem herself, the whole wedding, and almost getting killed by you, Blue and Yellow, all just so he can get help fixing your guys mistake of corrupting every single Gem on Earth? No, I'm not over that. And he didn't reunite with you three, more like you all wanted him to be Pink, only to realize that she was officially 'dead'. Though, if you all remember my previous review, I still consider her alive, just that she really wants people to know that Steven is his own person." Mew explained.
White Diamond: And now, dear Gems everywhere, I'm pleased to announce that Steven is finally ready to take his rightful place on Pink Diamond's throne!
(A light fanfare is heard as Steven, now a fully-grown teenager is shown standing in front of White. He faces us.)
Steven: *turns around* How's it going, everybody?
(Words appear in front of him: "Steven Universe, Age 16".)
"...That's it. I wish I could quit right now, but I can't. Mainly due to the rules of reviewers or something like that. But why would you make Steven the new Pink Diamond? Better yet, why would Steven want to be the new Pink Diamond? Wasn't the whole plot of 'Change Your Mind' that the Diamonds have to realize that Steven isn't, in any way, shape or form, Pink Diamond, besides having her Gem and the love for himself, which is her loving him, and that's a good thing? Why even go through all of that if it was going to amount to nothing in the end?!" Mew ranted. "Heck, we're only in the first couple of minutes into this film and already I pointed out several continuity problems!"
Steven: I know you all might be thinking of me as the new Pink Diamond, but you don't have to put me on a throne. I already have a rightful place, and it's on Earth.
(The Diamonds all lean forward in their thrones in surprise.)
Blue Diamond: Huh?
White Diamond: What?
(Yellow Pearl is seen adjusting the settings on a diamond-shaped projection screen, broadcasting Steven's message across the universe.)
Steven: It's a beach house, where I live with my friends, Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl. As much as I've loved dismantling the empire and saving all your planets, I can't wait to get home and spend some quality time with my friends.
(As Steven finishes his message, White Diamond's eyes widen. She scowls at the Pearls)
White Diamond: Cut the feed.
Yellow Pearl: Your time is up anyway.
(Blue Pearl snickers and runs off to pull away the camera, as Yellow Pearl shuts down the broadcast.)
"And that's the only time we'll have the Pearls being able to tell off the Diamonds without getting shattered. In case you don't know what I mean, please refer to The End of an Era art book, released last year, where some art reveals that Pink Pearl was originally going to be shattered by Yellow, Blue and White, all just because she calls them out for making Pink miserable. Which, by the way, I view Pink Pearl in that concept as the very first Pearl Pink had, which means the one that White took away is Pink's second.
"Anyways, the Diamonds try to convince Steven to stay via a song, which even Steven isn't falling for."
Steven: You guys have really gotten better at showing affection, but I've got my own life to get back to. Don't forget, I'm not Pink Diamond.
The Diamonds: Yes, we know that you're not her,
but you were hers
(The Diamonds inch closely towards Steven as they continue singing, and Steven chuckles nervously.)
The Diamonds: You know what it meant to love her,
and you remind us so much of her
"No, he does not know what it's like to love her! Thanks to everything you three did, you caused her to believe that no one will miss her once the truth about her was out, hence the reason she created Steven. And guess what: she was right! Everyone is forgetting every good thing she has done because they would rather remember her as the worst person for lying to them, rather than you three for being genocidal dictators, even before she 'died'! Not to mention the Crystal Gems built her up as someone who could do no wrong, destroying his expectations of her once finding out that she did so some morally questionable stuff for the safety of everyone.
"And while Greg didn't make things worse, he also didn't talk to Pink about her past, something that she might've needed from someone who's part of a species that has the capability to change and emote better than Gems.
"And of course, when that doesn't work, they try a different approach." Mew said.
Steven: Thanks, but I really gotta go.
The Diamonds : But Steven!
Yellow Diamond: I've disbanded my armies! I've liberated my colonies!
Blue Diamond: I never shatter. I never make anyone cry.
White Diamond: I've been saying "please" and "thank you", even to lower life forms.
Steven: What did we talk about?
White Diamond: Ugh, equal life forms. Steven, we've done everything you've asked!
Steven: That's great! Good job! Keep it up! Bye!
(Steven promptly activates the warp pad and begins beaming through space.)
"I don't blame Steven for leaving them. If that's their only method for him to stay, and not even for the benefit of changing to become better people, but only to keep him around, then I would've left too. Heck, no wonder Pink left them. Between the abuse and their bipolar attitudes towards her, it's a surprise she didn't do it earlier." Mew said.
Soon, an angry mob, who hate Pink Diamond, started to boo him. "Regidrago, Regieleki, can you handle them?" Mew asked.
"It would be my honor, my lord," Regidrago said.
"Sure," Regieleki said, as he and Regidrago went to deal with the angry mob of Pink Diamond haters.
"So Steven returns back to his house-"
[Trans. Int. Steven's Conservatory]
(Steven eventually arrive back on Earth, warping into a glass dome at the back of the beach house. Connie, who is also a little older, is seen sitting on the floor reading a magazine, as Steven arrives on the warp pad inside.
"Make that a small mansion, as he and Connie talk about the Diamonds, then about Connie going to space camp. And why is Connie going to space camp?" Mew asked.
Connie: Of course. I've always wanted to go to space camp.
Steven: But you've literally been to space multiple times. And you've done way cooler stuff than just camp there.
Connie: My parents are doing what they can to support my interests. It's sweet. *enters the room and picks up her duffel bag* Plus, I get all the freeze-dried ice cream I can eat.
"Don't try the freeze-dried ice cream. I heard they're bad." Mew warned.
Steven: But Sadie Killer and the Suspects are playing tonight. Isn't a rock show a little better than space camp?
Connie: It's maybe equal to space camp.
(Steven chuckles as Connie pulls out her vibrating phone from her pocket.)
Connie: That's my mom. I should get going.
(Connie and Steven embrace each other again. Connie briefly turns away, blushing with her arms crossed, before giving Steven a quick peck on the cheek, causing him to blush as well.)
Connie: Mwah! Okay! Bye!
(Connie proceeds to run down the stairs and out of the house. Steven puts his hand to his cheek and grins widely. He then runs out onto the balcony to bid Connie farewell.
Steven: Tell everyone at space camp that space used to be super scary and dangerous, but it's great now!
Connie: *waves goodbye* I will!
"Just don't tell them about the black holes. Or the asteroids. Or the lack of oxygen. Or the Death Stars. Or Frieza, Gods of Destructions, Saiyans or any other dipwads wanting to blow up planets. Or any upcoming supernovas. Or three giant ladies wanting to exterminate all life. Or Space Godzilla and Ghidorah. Or even the fight between Deoxys and Rayquaza 17 years ago. Nope, all of those are just what makes space great!" Mew said sarcastically.
"You're just being sarcastic, aren't you?" Palkia asked, appearing behind Mew.
"Yes! Just look at all the dangers in your realm! It's almost as bad as time, which Dialgia is in charge of!" Mew shouted.
"What's so bad about my brother's realm? It's just him getting stuck in the times." Palkia snorted.
"What would happen if someone were to go back in time and kill Arceus before he hatched and created everything and everyone, including us?" Mew asked.
Palkia was about to answer, before he paused, as he processed the question. Given his expression, he realized the answer, and didn't like it.
"Damn it, now I have to give Dialgia a present for keeping us alive." Palkia grumbled as he left.
"Moving on, we get to 'Happily Ever After', which out of context, is a good song. It's something that anyone who went through so much Tauros-turd would sing once they earned their happy ending." Mew said, smiling, before frowning. "But in context, and with this film, it sucks. Mainly because of two reasons: A.) it serves as the characters tempting fate to come and ruin their moment, and B.) it serves to bash Pink Diamond more.
"And you all might think I'm joking, but I'm not. Listen to these lyrics and notice that either they mention Pink in a negative light, or not mention her at all." Mew said.
Steven: Once upon a time, I thought I'd always be in my mother's shadow
Answering for her crimes, I thought I'd always be in an endless battle
Till I began to hone
A power all my own
Pearl: Once upon a time, I only lived to be of Pink Diamond's service,
Till the day the two of us snuck down to be on this planet's surface
We became our fantasy,
And I was sure she set me free
(As Pearl sings, a flashback of her being Pink Diamond's servant is shown, until they visited Earth and Pink reformed to be Rose Quartz.)
Pearl: But in the end, I guess I never left her side
Garnet: Once upon a time, a Sapphire came to Earth with her Ruby soldier
Sapphire's deadly fate was set until the Ruby rushed in to hold her
Suddenly, they were fusing;
Beautiful, strange, confusing
(As Garnet sings, her flashback shows Ruby and Sapphire first meeting 5,752 years ago at the Ancient Sky Arena. Sapphire was confronted by a past Pearl, Ruby rushed in to protect her from Pearl's strike, and the two fused together for the first time.)
Garnet: And there I was, a bundle of questions, so naive,
That if you told me this I never would have believed you then, but...
Amethyst: Once upon a time, I burst to life inside of the Kindergarten;
Product of a war that I had no idea I had a part in
I came out late and alone,
Knew nothing but my home
(As Amethyst sings, another flashback shows her first emerging from Prime Kindergarten, long after the other Quartzes are gone. A newly-"born" and lost Amethyst wandered around the Kindergarten without a clue, until the Crystal Gems found her and she became who she is today.)
Amethyst: But I know now exactly who I'm s'posed to be,
And it's a part of this family!
"In case you don't get my problems with these lyrics, then I'll have to explain. Steven's problem with his mom is that he used to live in her shadows and have to answer for her crimes. However, that is dumb, given how it was Garnet, Pearl and Amethyst that made Steven feel like he should live up to Pink's legacy, something she didn't want. Plus, Steven was the one who claimed to be her at the end of Season 4, therefore, answering for Pink's crimes, which, again, is something she never wanted for him. So in short, Steven and the Crystal Gems are the reason the former lived in Pink's shadows and were held responsible for her crimes, not Pink.
"Pearl's problem was that she wasn't set free by Pink, despite the fact that, yes, Pink did set her free. Pearl even explained that in the episode 'We're Only Falling Apart'. The only thing that could be considered not being set free was being ordered not to talk about the days when Pink was still a proper Diamond, which I like to assume is only because Pink was waiting till she was ready to talk about it, something that Greg unknowingly prevented. And even then, what prevented Pearl from writing about it? Or better yet, why not text it to them? Pearl has a phone for a reason. Heck, Pearl allowed Steven into her Gem during 'A Single Pale Rose', so why couldn't she do the same to Garnet? Better yet, why didn't Garnet figure it out anytime she and Pearl fused into Sardonyx, or heck, when they fuse with Amethyst to make Alexandrite? Pink only told her not to talk about it, she didn't tell Pearl she couldn't show it. So basically, Pearl has no one to blame for her pain but herself.
"Garnet doesn't mention Pink at all when it comes to her relationship, and that's the problem. Given Garnet was pissed off that Blue wanted to shatter her for existing, shouldn't she at least be thankful that Pink, a Diamond, was supportive of her relationship, thus having love be another reason for fighting for Earth? Heck, Pink just supported the concept of Garnet, it's not like she forced Ruby and Sapphire to become Garnet, it was still their decision. Or is she still pissed off that she didn't see Pink's future to see her plan that involves her false shatterment, thus revealing her identity to her, just because she trusted Pink that much, despite the fact that she does it to everyone else she trusts as well? Because you have no one to blame but yourself for that one, Garnet.
"And finally, Amethyst. Why wasn't Pink shown in the group of people who accepted her as part of her family? Pink was the one who told Amethyst from day one to accept herself for who she is, regardless of what everyone tells her. Is Amethyst just that upset over Pink leaving a mess behind that she would scorn the memory of her own mom? And yes, I know what I said, because 'We're Only Falling Apart' confirms it." Mew said. "What more could you do to make this movie bad, Crewniverse?"
(After the song ends, Steven and the Gems head to the lighthouse hill, laying on the grass and basking under the sun. Steven picks a flower, sticks his pinkie in his mouth and uses his healing spit to restore the flower he picked.)
Steven: I want everything to stay exactly like this and never change.
Pearl: Agreed.
Amethyst: Here, here.
"You have the main characters screw over the morals? Those same morals that you've been bashing over our heads with? I still have the anvil from you, Rebecca Sugar," Mew said, pointing at said anvil, which has 'Rebecca Sugar's Steven Universe moral: change is good' on it.
"Now what am I supposed to do with this anvil?" Mew wondered.
Steven: How's the future look, Garnet? Do we all stay just like this forever?
(Garnet adjusting her orange star-shaped visor, smiling while using her future vision, when she suddenly sits up and frowns.)
Garnet: No!
(A strong wind blows in and an ominous shadow is cast over the hill. The Crystal Gems look up at the cloudy sky and spot a strange Injector-like ship lowering from the clouds. It looms over Beach City and points towards the hill. Just then, a silhouette is seen at the top of the ship.)
"Found my new target," Mew said, throwing the anvil.
Garnet: No!
*Gets crushed by the anvil, poofing her immediately*
"Okay, so that didn't happen. But I wished it did. I already did a tangent of this in my review for the original series, but I'll say it again: Garnet is the worst character due to not telling anyone about her future visions, nor having a plan for all of them. She is giving anyone who has future visions a bad name due to this, and I thought she would've learned from the last time she withheld any information about her visions, but then again, the characters aren't up for changing in this film, are they?" Mew said. "Also, we get our introduction to our villain."
Spinel: HEY! Are you Steven Universe?
Steven: Um... Yes?
Spinel: Perfect.
(The silhouette's finger transforms into a giant horn, and she blows it. Legs and a pointed drill then emerge from the bottom of the ship.)
Garnet: Move! *picks up Amethyst*
(The Gems begin running from the ship as the ship's legs grip the sides of the hill. The ship then thrusts itself forward, driving the drill into the ground of the hill as the Crystal Gems gasp in shock.
Amethyst: Hey! Nice park job, dingus!
(A pink liquid inside the ship begins to gurgle, as it cruises down the drill and into the ground. The figure on the top of the ship jumps down to the bottom, revealing to be a pink cartoony-looking Gem, with a gem shaped like an inverted heart in her chest. Her gem flashes as she cackles and glowers down at the Crystal Gems.)
"Hey, XJ-9 crossed with Harley Quinn. What are you doing here?" Mew asked. "No, seriously, what are you doing here? How did you know where Steven and the Crystal Gems are? Steven just says he lives in a beach house. For all you know, he could've lived in Hawaii, or Alaska, or Albuquerque."
Bugs Bunny: I KNEW I 'shoulda' made 'dat' left 'toin' at 'Albakoikie'.
"Or does the injector have a GPS to track down Pink Diamond? If so, then that confirms my theory that Pink isn't dead and she took the form of her son just to tell White to shove it.
"Of course, Spinel wants revenge on Pink for something that gets revealed later on, and I'm not saying it early. However, since Pink is 'dead', Spinel goes after the next best thing: Pink's friends and son. Oh, and she sings a song about it too." Mew said with a deadpan expression.
(The pink Gem pulls a scythe-like weapon out of her gem, jumps off the lighthouse and begins sticking it at the Crystal Gems.)
Spinel: Oh, that's right I heard the story
Over and over again,
Gee, it's swell to finally beat her other friends!
Raven/Bobsheaux: Oh, shut up.
"Thank you, Raven and Bobsheaux. Anyways, The Crystal Gems get beaten by running right into her trap." Mew said.
(The pink Gem begins extending her body all around the Injector ship and the lighthouse, stretching her body to a tremendous degree. The Gems charge towards her as the pink Gem begins unwinding her body.)
Spinel: Oh, that's right, I heard the story,
Don't really like how it ends
Gee, it's swell to finally beat her other,
Other,
Other friends!
(With great accuracy, the pink Gem slashes through Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl with the scythe, poofing their physical forms in one fell swoop. Steven watches in shock as their gemstones fall to the ground.)
"Oh no, the Gems are beaten by a new Gem. It's not like they got beaten before." Mew said with no emotion.
Jasper: *pulls out a electrical weapon* Priming Gem Destabilizer.
(Jasper dashes at Garnet and jabs her in the chest with the destabilizer. Garnet's physical body starts to fall apart as yellow currents run across her body.)
Pearl & Amethyst: *watching in horror* Ah!
(Garnet falls backwards towards Steven, looking at him one last time, before poofing away. Two gemstones, one red and one blue, then fall onto the sand, as Steven watches and shivers in horror. Jasper then approaches Steven.)
Hessonite: Oh, look at this. Your new friends. Here to steal rightfully mine.
Steven: The Prism doesn't want to be with you! It doesn't want to be a weapon!
Hessonite: You! *Teleports in front of Steven and points her sword at him* You're the one who ruined everything! How did you override my Prism?! All my customized settings... all our hard won battles... you've scrambled its memory!
(Peridot and Amethyst arrives)
Peridot: HEY, you orange... fluffy... CLOD!
Amethyst: Yeah! We've fried bigger fish than you! How 'bout some of THIS!
(Amethyst was about to use her whip on Hessonite, only for Hessonite to move at a speed that no one saw her for a moment, poofing Amethyst and Peridot in the process. As their Gems fall off the platforms, Hessonite turns around, facing Steven again)
Steven: NOOOO!
(Garnet, Connie and Greg arrives. As Garnet and Connie prepares to fight Hessonite, she swung her sword, poofing Garnet, knocking her Gems, Connie and Greg off the platform)
(Pearl arrives and attempts to attack Hessonite, only for Hessonite to block with her sword. She and Hessonite soon struggle to overpower each other.)
Hessonite: AH, the renegade Pearl.
Pearl: Hessonite... We clashed back then... ...you forced us back, but you never stopped us! I'll never let you win!
Hessonite: Yes you will. We both know you're in over your head. How about instead of a fight, you just come along with me? I think I deserve a Pearl by now! You know, I'm a bit of a legend. Even without my prism, I always win. ...No? Still want to fight? What a shame...
Pearl: For... Rose!
Hessonite: Rose!...
Steven: HEY, HESSONITE! Is this what you want?!
(Steven held the Prism in his hand, getting Hessonite's attention)
Hessonite: HAAA!
(Hessonite poofs Pearl, knocking her Gem off the platform, as she rushed towards Steven and knocks him off the platform, unconscious, while regaining the Prism in the process)
Aquamarine: Hey Topaz, look! They want to lose another fight.
(Garnet charges forth, preparing to make the first strike, when Topaz moves Jamie, merged in her body, right in Garnet's trajectory, causing her to flinch.)
Jamie: No, Garnet, I've moved on, I swear!
(Garnet quickly halts herself to avoid hurting Jamie, which however, also allows Topaz to grab her by her head and throws her away, slamming right into a game booth.)
Steven: Garnet!
Amethyst: That's dirty!
Pearl: *leaps up* My spear can reach her without hurting the hostages!
Aquamarine: Oh, you're so smart. *fires a tractor beam with her wand at Pearl* Goodbye!
Pearl: Whoa!
(Aquamarine hurls Pearl high up into the sky, causing her to disappear into it with a blink. Amethyst then coils her whip around Connie's hand and attempts to pull her out of Topaz's body. Topaz, however, stops her by stomping on the whip with her foot. Garnet emerges from inside the game booth, Pearl lands back from the sky, and the Crystal Gems regroup.)
Amethyst: *Grunting*
Aquamarine: This is getting annoying. Hey, Topaz, can you remind me? I mean, my memory is perfect, but our orders were to bring back these six humans. I'm just not sure. Did they specify... alive?
(Aquamarine makes a sinister look at the Crystal Gems, startled by her remark. Aquamarine then quickly takes on an overjoyed expression.
(Steven lifts Jamie up and throws him overboard, as Sadie and Connie jump off the ship as well. However, Aquamarine then fires her tractor beam, halting Jamie, Sadie, Connie, Onion and Alexandrite in their tracks.)
(White Diamond blinks her eyes and fires a white energy beam at Amethyst from her eyes. Amethyst yells in pain as she gets hurt, and her gem turns white.)
Amethyst: Hey, White... dirtwad! *panting* That's all you got?! ...Huh?
(Amethyst notices her now-white gem and her form beginning to lose its color, much like Yellow and Blue not long ago.)
Steven: Oh, no!
(Amethyst shivers and groans in anguish, and collapses to the ground after she loses all her colors.)
Garnet: Leave her alone!
(White Diamond continues blasting her mind beams at the group, felling Garnet next.)
Pearl: Stop!
(To no avail, Pearl is swiftly converted as well. All in the room, except Steven, are now colorless, to Steven's horror.)
"You all should know this by now! Then again, I guess when it comes to change, it doesn't include your battle strategies.
"However, Spinel decides to try the same tactic on Steven, which seemingly does nothing to him. However, he gets so fed up with her slashing him repeatedly that he grabs the scythe and slashs her in half with the scythe-Wait, what?!" Mew shouted.
(As the pink Gem lets out one last maniacal laugh, Steven wrests control of the weapon and swings it at her, cleaving her physical form in half and poofing her instantly. The tired Steven collapses to his knees and shakes off the pink circuitry on his body, before setting the weapon down on the ground and reaching for the pink gem.)
"Didn't Steven have an emotional breakdown from having to poof Bismuth and throwing Eyeball out into space? When did he suddenly decide to be violent like this? Wait a minute, no regards to continuity, characters act completely out of character and no one learns a single thing when it comes to Pink nor talks about her good traits, there's only one explanation for this film: it's noncanon!" Mew exclaimed.
Steven: *sighs* Better bubble you before anything else happens.
(Steven bubbles the gem, but it pops instantly.)
Steven: What?
(Steven attempts to bubble the gem again, this time not even producing any effect as he taps the gem.)
Steven: Where's my bubble?
(Picking the gem up, Steven attempts to concentrate and bubble the gem.)
Steven: Come on...
(A bubble slowly begins to form around the gem before popping, as Steven collapses in strain, panting heavily. Confused, he lifts up his shirt. His gemstone flickers like a lightbulb.)
Steven: What's going on?
"And this confirms it. This film is unofficially noncanon. Gem technology can't affect Steven if it affects his powers or his body. They already established that multiple times. If it's something that scans Gems, then, yes, it would work on him, but something that affects his powers shouldn't work. It's why the Destabilizer didn't work on him, and this shouldn't work either!" Mew said.
"Heck, I would've bought it if this was one of her powers, like how Blue can make Steven due to him having Pink's Gem, or even whatever mind screw crud White was doing to him in the 'Diamond Days' arc. But this is just dumb.
"Anyways, Greg soon arrives at the beach house, having received Steven's message about what happened, and after talking for a few minutes, Pearl starts to reform. However, something seems to be...off." Mew said.
(Greg picks up Pearl's gem, which begins to glow and float in midair, as she prepares to regenerate.)
Greg: See? Here she comes. Good old Pearl!
(A holographic oyster shell materializes around Pearl's gem.)
Greg: Huh. Well, that's new.
Shell: Please identify yourself.
Greg: Um, Greg Universe?
Shell: Greetings, Um Greg Universe. Please state preferred customization options.
Greg: Uh... What am I supposed to say here?
Steven: I-I don't know.
Shell: Default setting selected. Please stand by.
(The shell descends to the house floor, as it opens and reveals a reforming Pearl... who takes on her first regeneration's appearance as Pink Diamond's personal Pearl. Cautious and somewhat curious, Steven and Greg approach her.)
Steven: Pearl! Pearl, thank goodness you're back! Huh? Pearl?
(Ignoring Steven, Pearl walks to Greg and begins to sing _final(3).Info.)
"Yep, we have a song from Pearl. Mainly about the jobs that the reformed, and amnesiac, Crystal Gems has. You know, things we already know. And I know you're going to tell me this film is supposed to be for the new fans, but it's been stated that you need to watch the first show in order to understand this film. AKA, it's for those who A.) knows the show, or B.) are already fans. New fans can't use this film as the beginning point due to the fact that even if they're going to get an explanation on different Gem types thanks to this song, they still have no idea what's going on prior to this film.
"Anyways, before someone finds a way to contradict me on this point, Spinel reforms, but now doesn't seem to want to fight anyone."
(Finally, the last gem, the pink heart one, begins to regenerate. Floating into the air, its pink glow engulfs the room, while Steven attempts to summon his shield to no avail.)
Steven: Get back! Huh?
(The gem rotates upright into a proper heart shape, as the reforming Gem laughs playfully. She ropes her rubber-like arms around Steven and launches herself toward him for a hug. Once finished reforming, the pink Gem, looking entirely different from before, looks at Steven with a bright smile.
Spinel: YIPPEE! I'm so excited to meet you!
Steven: Y-You're not mad?
Spinel: Mad? Why would I be mad at my best friend!
(The words "BEST FRIEND!" appear above the pink Gem, as she lets out a giddy laugh while doing a goofy dance.
Pearl: This will be fun!
Aren't you the lucky one?
Her cut is perfect and she's pink as well!
She'll bring you endless entertainment,
Your new best friend, Spinel!
"So Spinel is the pink version of Jasper, since they both are 'perfect Gems'? If so, then that makes a lot of sense of how they got beaten by Steven. Okay, Jasper was beaten by Smoky Quartz. Plus getting corrupted after fusing with a Corrupted Gem, but still!
"Anyways, Steven tries to find out what Spinel did to the Gems, but since he used the same thing, you know, the thing he saw her used on the Gems, on her without bothering to see what it does, she doesn't remember. Not even the injector. So, he goes to Bismuth, Lapis and Peridot. Oh, and he takes the scythe with him, since he can't put it in Lion. ...I'm not kidding."
(Just then, Lion approaches the group.)
Steven: How 'bout you, Lion? Can you make any sense of this?
(Lion simply growls in response while displaying a less-than-amused face.)
Steven: Aww, you're no help, either. At least, I can store this thing in your mane.
(Steven pulls out the deactivated scythe from his pocket and tries to shove it into Lion's mane... with no effect, as it simply slides off Steven's hand.)
Steven: I can't store things in Lion's mane now?! That's like the easiest thing I do!
(Steven picks up the weapon from the sand and looks up at the Injector in distress.)
"No, seriously, Steven is right. He was able to put things in Lion's mane even before he was able to control his powers. Seriously, this only happens just so we can set up the climax later.
"Anyways, Steven tells them about the situation, including how Spinel is apparently his new friend, and they make jokes about how it took them some time to decide not to kill him. Um, what?" Mew asked.
Steven: Well, here's the thing-
(Spinel creeps up from behind Steven and pokes at his shoulders.)
Steven: Hmm? What? Where'd she-
(Spinel pops up from behind Steven, startling him.)
Steven: Aah!
Spinel: Surprise! *laughs*
Steven: Here she is... My new best friend, Spinel.
(Spinel bows dramatically and speaks in a faux-posh accent.)
Spinel: A pleasure to meet you all.
Bismuth: I thought you said she was just trying to kill you.
Lapis: Wow. Quick turnaround.
Peridot: No kidding. It took me months to stop trying to kill Steven.
Bismuth: I say it took me a day- day and a half?
Lapis: I'm still on the fence.
(The three Gems all share a laugh.)
"Yeah, laugh about how you all almost killed Steven while he's in front of you! Jerks.
"Anyways, Bismuth explains the scythe to Steven, and Peridot."
Peridot: Alright, let's see this thing she hit you with.
Steven: Uh, right.
(Steven pulls out the deactivated scythe and hands it to Peridot, who begins to examine it in the least safe way possible.
Peridot: Whoa. Was there, like, uh, a laser or-
(Bismuth hurriedly snatches the weapon from Peridot's hands before she could activate it.)
Bismuth: Be careful with that! It's a Rejuvenator. *reluctantly activates the weapon* Homeworld used to use these things on Gems that started steppin' out of line. One hit with this... *deactivates the Rejuvenator* You're back to how they made you.
(Bismuth sadly looks at Ruby and Sapphire, as the former assumes a defensive stance to protect the latter.)
Ruby: What are you lookin' at?
Peridot: Oh my stars, I touched it! I could have lost all my character development! Wait, how did you survive being hit by that thing, Steven?
Steven: I- I think I didn't. My human half kept me from poofing, but- but my Gem half, it took the hit! She sent me back; it's like I'm a kid again! I can barely control my powers! How do we reverse this? Oh no... Do I need to get the Diamonds?
(Bismuth hands the Rejuvenator back to Steven.)
"One, how come we're just now hearing about the Rejuvenator? Why didn't we get this back during 'Diamond Days', when the other Diamonds thought Steven, or 'Pink' as they thought of him in that way, was out of line. In fact, why wasn't this thing ever used as a threat to keep Pink in line? Heck, why didn't they threaten to use this against the Crystal Gems during the Homeworld War? And don't tell me that they didn't mass-produce it, because how else would Bismuth know about them then? And two, Steven can never poof, no matter what. If him getting head-butted by Jasper, knocked out by Hessonite, or even stepped on by Yellow didn't do it prior, I doubt a Rejuvenator would've done it. And three, why did Pearl and Garnet run towards Spinel, knowing that she had a Rejuvenator?! I get Amethyst would've, due to not knowing about the tech used, but those two? Come on!"
Lapis: You're the one with healing powers. If anyone can fix this, it's you.
"No he cannot! You just heard Steven said he lost his powers! That includes his healing powers! Stop being a moron and actually think for once. Then again, excluding that time where you were justified with being pissed at Peridot during 'Barn Mates', you were holding the Idiot Ball for a long time, even bailing out because you think the Diamonds would single you out and just you.
"Of course, though, Steven starts to give up while beginning 'Who We Are'. And all because his happily ever after is ruined. Which of course, Bismuth is the one cheering him up."
(Steven gazes down at the warp pad in the Little Homeworld square and keels over in despair. Bismuth walks over as she continues to inspire him.)
Bismuth: Even if it takes a thousand years to get them back, we will!
They may not know who they are, but we do!
(Bismuth leads Steven and company to a lift and the group descends down to the square.)
Bismuth: Believe me, Steven, I've known them longer,
I've seen them get through worse and come back stronger,
That's why I believe in them,
And I believe in you!
(Bismuth runs up to a mixer at the square and proceeds to dump molten lava in a star-shaped mold surrounding the warp pad.)
Bismuth: Because we are the Crystal Gems!
And we never give up,
No, we never give up on our friends!
(Steven watches in awe as the lava fills the mold, reigniting his spirit once more.)
Bismuth: As long as one of is standing to brandish the star,
"Bismuth, you may have known them during the Homeworld War, but you really don't know them longer because of that. Heck, you got bubbled because you made a weapon capable of murder, and Pink didn't like that. If anyone knows the Gems longer, it's Greg, and I don't see anyone actually asking him for help. Instead, it's Spinel who gives them the obvious answer to fix her mess. You know, something Steven would've done himself." Mew said.
Steven: Right! Okay, let's put our heads together. There's gotta be some way to make them remember.
Spinel: What if it's like a puzzle?
Steven: Huh?
Spinel: If we give 'em all the pieces, eventually, they'll get the picture!
Steven: Spinel, you might be onto something. If every experience they lost is a-a piece of who they are, we just have to give them back all the pieces; one experience at a time!
Lapis: Are you serious?
Peridot: That could take forever!
Steven: Exactly, so let's get started!
"Wow, is everyone who is a Crystal Gem a complete and total jerk in this film? Wait, let's just add Greg and Connie into this jerk moment and we'll have the complete set, because really? Why are Lapis and Peridot complaining about this? Heck, Peridot considers the main Crystal Gems to be her friends, and Lapis cares about them in her own way, so why would they complain about how long it's going to take to regain the main Crystal Gems' memories?
"Anyways, they tried to bring back Garnet by putting Sapphire in danger, thus causing Ruby to fuse with her, only for the exact opposite to happen. Anyways, the two still fused into Garnet, but she still hasn't regained her memories, so they failed.
"And then Greg shows up with Pearl, revealing Amethyst went missing due to him, causing Steven and Spinel to go find her, while Greg deals with Pearl being a slave. ...Why would anyone do this in this film, especially since Yellow Pearl, Blue Pearl, and Pink Pearl, both the original and the one that has the cracked eye, all have personalities. Heck, Pearl even had a personality outside of following Pink's orders during 'We're Only Falling Apart', so why is she being a personal butt-kisser? And why is everyone, either those who worked on this or fans watching the film, OK with this?
"Anyways, they manage to find Amethyst, and Steven sings 'No Matter What'. And I'm not gonna lie, this is actually one of the good songs in this film.
Steven: In the light of the day,
In the dark of the night,
When you're rarin' to go,
When you're tired from the fight,
When you're losing your mind,
Let me give you a thought,
I'm gonna be right by your side no matter what!
(Steven begins tap-dancing as Amethyst shapeshifts back to herself. Steven extends his hand towards Amethyst, which she accepts, and he leads her out of the garage.)
"Soon Amethyst starts singing along, and the two actually have some fun. You know, like an actual teenager would do. However, Amethyst regains her memories, not by realizing that she is perfect the way she is, but because she remembers the handshake she did with Steven at the beginning of the film. So thanks a lot, movie, you ruined what would've been a heartwarming scene with something that you introduce one time." Mew said.
(Amethyst begins to glow and floats out of Steven's arms. She then cycles between various of her past forms, until she sticks to one, returning back to her current self. After reforming and regaining her memories, Amethyst falls onto the ground from the air.)
Amethyst: Ohh... What happened?
Steven: Amethyst, it worked! You're back! *embraces the short purple woman, who is now much shorter than him*
(Steven picks Amethyst up and twirls her around in joy. They both laugh and embrace each other. Spinel comes in too, and hugs the two happily. Amethyst notices her.
Amethyst: *jumps away* YOU! Wha- W-What are you doing here?!
Steven: So, l-let me explain-
Amethyst: Get away from him, you monster! Huh...?
(Amethyst grabs Steven with her whip and pulls him away from Spinel, as she stands ready to fight her, when she notices Spinel has somehow vanished.)
Spinel: A monster?
(Amethyst and Steven turn around and find Spinel behind them, chuckling as she looks at the horizon for the "monster".)
"But there's no time to be happy, because Peridot scanned the injector to find out that it contains bio-toxin, giving Earth 41 hours until all organic life is dead, unless they can get Spinel to reverse the process. But wait, she doesn't remember, so they decide to help Pearl regain her memories just so she can tell them everything about Spinel, given she seems to know more about Spinel. So of course, they tried doing that with the song 'Disobedient', even allowing Amethyst to shape-shift into Rose. You know, instead of having her try to take the form of Pink, then Rose which would've made a lot more sense. Just saying." Mew said.
(Steven gives Amethyst the nod and she takes the microphone. Everyone watches in surprise as Amethyst shapeshifts into Rose Quartz.)
Amethyst: I wanna be
Disobedient!
I wanna be
Disobedient,
Disobedient, disobedient,
Disobedient...
(Amethyst hops down from the stage and attempts to look at Pearl in her eyes, but she continues to focus on Greg. Amethyst looks in disappointment, and the audience cheers as the song comes to an end.)
Steven: How could that not work? What are we missing?
"For starters, your brain. Have you forgotten that it was Pearl who made the suggestion to Pink to shape-shift into her Rose alias in order to interact with those Amethyst, thus actually seeing the beauty of the planet and kicking off the Homeworld War? Get Pearl to make a suggestion to Greg and tell Greg to go along with it.
"Then again, this film runs on opposite day logic, so Pearl states the 'answer' to them." Mew said.
Pearl: As long as you exist, I will serve you!
(Amethyst shapeshifts back to normal, and she and Steven turn to look at each other.)
Steven & Amethyst: "As long as you exist."
Steven: That's the final piece: Mom disappeared! *rushes towards Greg* Dad, I've got an idea. *whispers into Greg's ear*
"Pink disappearing was not the reason she changed! For most of the series, Pearl resented Greg for falling in love with Pink and it was implied that she hated you on some level due to your birth sealing Pink's fate! She only moved on because she and Greg finally talked about it! If you want to bring her memories back, then get Greg to lie to her about something! After all, that's what caused Pearl to reveal to you about Pink and Rose being the same person was that she was tired of Pink keeping secrets, including Lion! Seriously, Steven, use your brain and not your 'happily ever after' garbage you're throwing at us!
"But of course, Steven uses the Idiot Ball and fuses with Greg, making a character that's been overhype too much that no one realizes it's incest. AKA…"
Andrew, seeing this, vomits.
"Yeah, that. My co-star summed it up in a nutshell. And no, no matter what anyone going to tell me, the Steven Universe franchise always establishes fusion as a romantic relationship, given how any of Jasper's fusions are seen as rape. So of course, making Steg, or Mr. Universe, hot, is not going to make me enjoy the first time Steven and Greg fused. It's going to make me nauseous because you just made incest hot to the point that there are jokes that straight guys turned gay and lesbians are now straight thanks to a fusion based on incest! As Squidward once said…"
Squidward: Oh no, he's hot!
"...That's what this film did with this fusion, and it got away with it. Argh!" Mew ranted.
"But wait, it gets even dumber, because the song helps Pearl regain her memories through being independent, which while she was still having issues with that in the original show, it wasn't her character arc. It was the fact that she can be strong on her own, as she learned at the end of the Sardonyx arc. But like I said before, this movie just likes to ignore everything that came before just to come up with their own stuff.
"Anyways, the song ends, Steg unfuses, and Spinel runs away while Steven asks Pearl about her."
Pearl: Steven, are you okay!?
Steven: D-Don't worry about me, it's Spinel. We need her to remember how to stop her injector. Ugh! *collapses into Greg's hands* Pearl, what do you know about her?
Pearl: Spinel? She was Pink Diamond's little playmate. They used to spend ages together in Pink's garden-
Steven: Garden?!
Pearl: That's where they used to play!
Amethyst: So, what's her problem with us?
Pearl: I don't know. I haven't seen her in 6,000 years. Something must have happened to her since then.
Steven: Then that's what I need to find out!
"..." Mew sat there, speechless.
Billy Mays: Are you shitting me?
"No seriously, are you joking? You have been building up, from the moment Pearl recognizes Spinel, that the two met each other at some point, and that's all you have? We already know Spinel was Pink's playmate, we know she came from a garden or if not that, then someplace Pink used to frequent, given she has access to Steven's message. That doesn't give us an answer of why Spinel decided to do this!"
Steven: Just this morning, everything was perfect. Why did everything have to change?! I want my happily ever after back!
"And you're not making this better, Steven! I'm gonna take a commercial break to get away from this mess for a while. Hopefully, I can actually watch good content during the break." Mew said.
"Commercials!" Registeel shouted, turning on the commercials.
(Cue instrumental version of theme song)
This message has been brought to you by Beach City.
Ah, Beach City, the capital of fun. Come and enjoy our arcades, try some food, or ride some amusement rides. And if you're really in the mood, take a walk down our nice, calming be-
*Statics appears on screen, before Spinel takes up the screen* Spinel: Well, well, well. So, this is the town full of nobodies where Pink Diamond decides to spend the rest of her days on? Well, isn't that just… swell. Well, then, gonna find her other friends, and her son, so I can beat them within an inch of their lives, and then kill everyone else on this god-forsaken planet with the bio-toxin.
(Scenes of her poofing the Gems with the Rejuvenator, followed by cutting off Steven's arm and stabbing him fatally with the Rejuvenator, causing Pink Diamond's Gem to pop out)
Spinel: What's wrong, Steven? Aren't you going to come back up? *Waits for a moment, only for nothing to happen* That's not going to work on...me?
(Pink's Gem reforms, taking on Steven's appearance)
Pink Steven: *Looks down at Steven's bleeding corpse*: Condition Assessment… Heartbeat...Negative. Body...Compromised. Lungs...Deactivated. Conclusion...I'm Gone.
(Statics appear on screen, returning the view back to Beach City as of the interruptions never happened)
So come on down to Beach City, where you'll have a great time on our beaches. Also, ignore the giant alien tech on the hill, it'll get resolved eventually.
(Cue instrumental version of theme song)
"So Steven follows Spinel back to the beach house, where she activates the Warp Pad, thus sending herself and Steven to Pink's garden. And Spinel reveals the purpose behind the garden, plus her own origins." Mew explained.
[Trans. Int. Pink Diamond's Garden]
(The duo arrives on a warp pad in the middle of a desolate garden. Spinel looks around at her surroundings, gasps in epiphany and runs off the warp pad.)
Steven: Spinel! *follows after Spinel*
Spinel: This was our garden! A special world, built just for Pink and I.
(Spinel begins flashing back to her happy memories, with Spinel playing hide-and-seek with Pink Diamond, as she surprises her with funny faces, making Pink laugh.)
Spinel: On Homeworld, Pink was so lonely and sad, but not here! Here, we would play for hours. Every day was so much fun.
(Spinel juggled some bubbles, making Pink Diamond laugh and clap, but she then sighs a bit.)
Spinel: At least... That's what I thought.
"So Spinel reveals that when Pink finally got the colony she wanted, she left Spinel behind. Which, while everyone used this as an example that Pink is evil, that is not the case. First of all, given how Pink Pearl was taken away because of her relationship with Pink, plus the injuries Pink accidentally gave her because the other Diamonds refuses to see her as an equal, she was probably worried that Spinel would've A.) been taken away just because the Diamonds refuse to let Pink have some friends, or B.) just in case if her destructive powers would've kicked in. Plus, the other Diamonds might've told Pink she's not allowed to bring Spinel with her, given that she was a playmate, not a servant, so Pink was forced to obey just to prove to them that she's just as important as they are.
"And even if she did take Spinel with her, the rebellion would've been destroyed from day 1. And no, I'm not talking about Spinel not taking anything seriously. If she knows how serious getting a colony means to Pink, then she knows how to take things seriously. No, it's because Homeworld would've instantly recognized her. And don't tell me they wouldn't, because this franchise has the fact they still know who Rose was and that she 'shattered' Pink, so it's not hard to believe they would've instantly recognized Pink's playmate and would've been suspicious.
"Sure, Pink wasn't planning the rebellion at the time, but once she went through with it, she knew there was no turning back, hence why she didn't go back for Spinel.
"However, why didn't Blue Diamond think to check Pink's Garden? She clearly knows all of the places Pink has been to, and she was hoarding everything of Pink, including the types of Gem everyone thought 'shattered' her, so why didn't she go to the garden and get Spinel?
"Then again, that would be a smart decision, and Arceus knows we can't have that in this franchise, now can we?" Mew asked.
"Anyways, Spinel explains why she didn't do anything for 6,000 years during the song, 'Drift Away', which is also about her abandonment issues Though the song still never explained how she knew exactly where on Earth Steven lives, but nah, we just got to claim Pink is awful."
Spinel: Finally something!
Finally news
About how the story ends:
She doesn't exist now,
Survived by her son,
And all of her brand new friends!
(After 6,000 years, a frayed Spinel, still standing still, watched Steven's broadcast from earlier on the Diamond communicator in the garden, and came to a horrific realization.)
Spinel: Isn't that lovely?
Isn't that cool?
And isn't that cruel?
And aren't I a fool, to have,
Happily listened,
Happy to stay,
Happily watching her dri-i-ift,
(Breaking away from the stems grew wildly around her legs, a devastated Spinel ran up to the communicator, just as the broadcast ended. Heartbroken and crushed, Spinel collapsed onto her knees and broke down crying. With all her memories back, the flashback ends as Spinel begins to glow and reform.)
Spinel: Dri-i-ift,
Dri-i-i-i-i-i-ift,
Away?
(Spinel's gem turns around into an upside-down heart, and she reforms back to her current self. Back with her hateful demeanor, Spinel glares back at Steven.)
"You know, this song could've worked, if Spinel's motives were different. She already knows that the other Diamonds have been making Pink miserable, and she knows that they were the ones who gave her the Earth. Why doesn't she just assume that they were responsible for her death, especially since you had the Defense Zircon bring that point up.
"Or better yet, if you're going to have her be mad at Steven, don't do it because he's Pink's son and yet doesn't know what happens between her and Pink. It just makes her look more like a jerk. What you could've done instead was have her think of Steven as an imposter Pink. After all, the other Diamonds gave Steven Pink's throne, title and status and he accepted it. So have her go after him due to thinking he's mocking Pink's memories. That would explain why Steven is more serious, just like the other Diamonds, than he is laid-back like how he used to be, and how Pink was.
"But no, we can't have that plot, because that would be interesting, and we have to base the plot off of Rebecca Sugar's experience of losing all her data on her phone when she went to China one time. Then again, that would be a great film, and when it comes to this franchise, I can't have anything good, can I?" Mew said.
Bender(Cartoon Network logo/Steven Universe logo over his head): *Laughs* Oh wait, you're serious. Then excuse me while I proceed to laugh harder. *Laughs harder*
"So Steven comforts Spinel, not realizing that she wants someone like him to help her with her problem, and they manage to stop the injector from releasing more bio-toxin. However, Steven makes everything go from happy to bad." Mew said.
Steven: *sighs in relief* Thanks, Spinel. *shakes Spinel's hand*
Spinel: Aww, gee. What are friends for?
Steven: Okay. We've almost cleaned up this mess. Now, all we need are Garnet's memories and my powers, and we can all get back to living happily ever after. What could work for Garnet? Something about fusion... Something about love...
Spinel: What about me...?
Steven: Huh?
Spinel: Is that all you needed me for? To turn off my Injector?
Steven: No! Well... Sort of, but-
Spinel: Well, what now? I-I-I did what you wanted. That's it?
Steven: Well, yeah. We can just... forget this whole thing ever happened.
Spinel: How are you gonna forget with me around? I'm the source of all your problems. Don't pretend you want me here. What's your plan for me, huh? You gonna put me somewhere? You gonna leave me, somewhere? You gonna leave me alone?!
Steven: Spinel...
"You know, I complained a lot about how Steven usually fixes everything and everyone when Pink tried so hard and failed, but the one thing I realized I've never complained about, mainly because it makes sense, was that he was able to become friends with just about anyone, Kevin excluded. So it's jarring that he doesn't try so hard to make Spinel feel accepted. And before you all say it's because Spinel almost killed him, then answer me this: why would he make Peridot feel accepted despite her trying to kill him the first time they somewhat interacted with each other? Why do the same for Lapis and Bismuth? Why try to help Jasper and Eyeball? Why even help the Diamonds realize that what they're doing is bad, thus redeeming them way too easily? Answer me that, and then tell me why it's so hard for him to help Spinel with her problems. Honestly, I think the way Steven is ignoring Spinel, it's much worse than Pink leaving her behind for her own good. And if I did complain about how Steven is able to make friends with anyone, then I retract my complaint on that, because I rather have that over this.
"And of course, Spinel has a breakdown once finding out that Steven still has the Rejuvenator." Mew said.
(Before Steven can console Spinel, she smacks him away, knocking him back. The Rejuvenator slides out of his pocket. Upon seeing the axe-like weapon, Amethyst and Pearl jump away from the weapon, except for Garnet, who looks at it curiously.)
Garnet: Oh, what's this? *proceeds to pick up the weapon*
Steven: G-Garnet, do-don't touch that!
(Steven rushes towards Garnet and snatches the Rejuvenator away from Garnet, just as she turns it on.)
Spinel: (hesitantly) Why do you have that?
Steven: *looks the weapon anxiously* I-I was just carrying it. I-I didn't have anywhere else to put it.
"Yes you did! You could've left it with Bismuth, who knows much about it and basically would've put it somewhere where no one can find it. Or better yet, you could've destroyed it. Therefore, you actually were planning on using it on someone, even if you deny it. Because why else would you still have the weapon you know can reset a Gem, and can reset your powers, if you're not going to use it." Mew points out.
Spinel: "We can just forget this ever happened"? You mean, I can just forget this ever happened! *begins laughing hysterically* Wow! What a plan! I turn off the Injector, and then the moment my back is turned, Bam! Presto! Change-o! PROBLEM SOLVED! Well, think again. You're not getting rid of me that easy...!
(Spinel turns her finger into a horn and blows into it, commanding the Injector once more as it hovers on the Crystal Gems.)
"Spinel soon grabs Garnet to use as a hostage, trying to goad Steven into using the Rejuvenator on her, given he did so at the beginning of the film. However, he refuses because it's not how he does things." Mew said.
(Spinel pulls Garnet towards her, coiling her arms around her body as she holds her hostage.)
Steven: Garnet!
Spinel You know, this is pretty twisted, but I'm a little flattered that you liked the old me: innocent, loving, stupid. If that's your thing, why don't you leave her like this?
Steven: Get away from her. *holds up the Rejuvenator*
Spinel: Oh, you're so protective of your real friends, and you're so careless with your fake ones!
Steven: Stop it!
Spinel: Then stop me! You wanna attack me. Just admit it. Or better yet, just TRY it!
Steven: NO!
Spinel: WHY NOT?!
Steven: BECAUSE, THAT'S NOT THE TRUTH!
(Steven breaks Rejuvenator in two over his knee.)
"Again, you could've done it earlier, and all of this could've been avoided." Mew snarked.
Steven: *looks the weapon anxiously* I-I was just carrying it. I-I didn't have anywhere else to put it.
Bender: The use of words expressing something other than their literal intention — now that IS irony!
"But whatever, this somehow gets Garnet to regain her memories, singing 'True Kind Of Love', and just like 'Happily Ever After', it's a good song without context. But with context...actually, it still works. Good on you, movie, for giving me a song I can enjoy from this film.
"However, while the Gems fused into Alexandrite to help the citizens evacuate, along with Connie providing help with Lion's warping powers and Greg driving his van, Steven heads up to the top of the injector to try and convince Spinel out of her plan." Mew explained.
Steven: *weakly* Spinel, come on. We can talk this out.
Spinel: I don't wanna play anymore...
Steven: *sighs* Spinel... this ISN'T A GAME!
(Steven suddenly receives a punch in the face by Spinel.)
Steven: ... Huh?!
(Spinel delivers a second stronger, wound-up punch into Steven's face, sending him flying towards the edge of the Injector and giving him a nosebleed. She then extends her arm to grab Steven's arm and dangle him over the edge. She looks at Steven, an expression of pure hatred on her face)
Spinel: You know, I came here to take my anger out on a bunch of strangers, but now that I know you, I wanna kill you even MORE.
"But they weren't strangers. You know all about them! Or are you referring to the fact you weren't associated with them? Plus, you just admitted you wanted to kill them! How come everyone defends you when you flat-out admit it?! In fact, why am I trying to find ways to defend you?!" Mew demanded. "This movie should be the one giving reasons to defend you, not me!"
(Spinel begins letting go of Steven one finger at a time. The latter panics, looking down at the city and at Spinel, before crying out in anguish.)
Steven: I DON'T GET IT!
Spinel: Huh?
Steven: Why aren't my powers back? Aren't I reliving every horrible thing that's ever happened to me? A Gem I barely know is trying to kill me. I'm paying for stuff my Mom did that had nothing to do with me. I'm struggling with my powers! The world's about to end! What piece could I be missing?! This is the story of my life!
"Wow, you have a huge ego, just like White Diamond. I mean, you're really blaming your mom for the mess you made? Seriously, what is wrong with you, and what is wrong with everyone to allow this to happen? I get at some point in life, there are going to be some people who are going to have low opinions of their parents, but this is an all-time low!
"Plus, you're not even trying to convince Spinel to not go through with this, Steven! Why don't you talk to her about her problems, the ones that she told you about just minutes ago?
"But nope, Steven just remembers his main character traits when Spinel mocks him." Mew said.
(In reaction, Spinel lets out an almost mocking cackle.)
Spinel: Wow! I knew that I was gonna set you back, but this is how you started? The legend, Steven Universe? *laughs* You gotta be kidding me. How did a powerless loser like you become the savior of the GALAXY?!
(Steven's eyes widened.)
Steven: I changed. That's the final piece. All those struggles, I learned from them, and I grew. Oh my gosh. It's not just my Gem powers I've forgotten. All of this "happily ever after" stuff has made me forget the first power I ever had: the power to CHANGE!
(Steven's gem begins to glow as his powers slowly return. Unimpressed, Spinel drops Steven to fall to his demise. However, Steven's powers finally reactivate and he stops in midair. A triumphant Steven, now with his regained powers, begins cycling through his different shield abilities, causing a shockwave that sends a shocked Spinel back. Floating back atop the Injector, Steven wipes the blood from his nose and begins to sing "Change".)
"Actually, the first power you had was throwing up Cookie Cats. Unless you count the pilot. Then you were using a time-travel device just to make comebacks." Mew snarked.
"Anyways, Steven tries using the song 'Change' to convince Spinel to be a good person, but it has no effect on her, leading to this line."
(Unmoved by Steven's song, the wayward Gem grits her teeth, and enlarges her hand, coiling her arm around into a giant, spring-mounted fist.)
Spinel: JUST CAN IT, WON'T YA?!
(Cocking her fist, Spinel aims her fist down at Steven.)
Spinel: You can't just make everything better by SINGING SOME... STUPID SONG!
(Spinel punches down at a surprised Steven, sending him careening down onto the Injector's top, with the impact strong enough to shake the earth and damage the machine. As Spinel descends from the sky, she sees Steven unharmed from the blow, bearing his shield inside a crater from the impact.)
"10 bucks says she changes because of some stupid song," Regice said.
"There is no way I'm supporting this bet...because I would win by the fact she remains unmoved by it." Regirock said.
"Really?" Regice asks.
"Yes. I bet 20 bucks on it." Regirock says.
"I want some results!" Registeel exclaimed.
"Is this a review or a betting pool?"
"...Yes./Yes!" The Regi Trio said with no remorse.
Spinel: All that stuff's easy for you to say! When you change, you change for the better. When I change, I CHANGE FOR THE WORSE!
(Spinel lunges at Steven, who easily defends her blows with his shield.)
Spinel: I used to be just not good enough! Just! Not! Good enough for Pink! But NOW- NOW... I'M NOT GOOD AT ALL!
(Growing her fists to a ridiculous size, Spinel slams them down on Steven's shield, further cracking the Injector's surface. Spinel then starts laughing frantically, as she collapses to her knees and breaks down.
Spinel: *crying* That's funny, r-right? A-At least you found me entertaining. You actually... liked me, didn't you? What am I doing? Why do I wanna hurt you so bad? I'm supposed to be a friend. I just wanna be a friend.
(Steven, in a show of sympathy, slowly dispels his shield, letting down his defenses to talk with a startled Spinel.)
Steven: Spinel...
"Called it," Regice said.
"Fine, here's your 20 bucks." Regirock said, as 20 Stantlers started prancing around the room.
"Dude, what's this?" Regice asked, unamused.
"20 bucks, like I wagered."
"I meant 20 dollars, not 20 Stantlers!"
"Ask them if they know Santa!"
"Please ignore the circus in the background, we all have lost it. Especially with Spinel's line. Steven didn't treat her as a friend, he was ignoring her problems just to restore his happily ever after, and yet somehow that equates to niceness in her eyes?
"Moving on with the review, however, the injector blows up, but Steven and Spinel are fine, because they were shielded by a bubble shield. While Connie, Greg and the Crystal Gems are relieved that Steven is fine, Spinel tries to leave, causing Steven to try and talk to her." Mew said.
(Steven notices Spinel walking away and runs over to her.)
Steven: Spinel, wait! I really was going to come back.
Spinel: I know...
Steven: Then, w-where are you going?
Spinel: I've got work to do. Friendship isn't going to be easy for me. I'm gonna have to work at it. You make me wanna try, but... *sighs deeply* I've already messed up bad with you. I wish I could just start from scratch with somebody.
"Wow, that's surprisingly mature from a villain in this franchise. All of the other times, they are instantly redeemed, forgiven for their crimes, and just accepted by everyone. Here, Spinel knows she messed up, and wasn't willing to forgive herself just yet." Mew said, smiling, before frowning.
"Unfortunately, it's overshadowed by the Diamonds, who not only arrive, but decide they want to move to Earth to be closer to 'Pink'." Mew explained.
(Spinel retreats behind a large chunk of debris, as the three Diamonds descend from the ship.)
Steven: Yellow, Blue, White? What are y'all doing here?
Yellow Diamond: Well, Steven, we were all talking and- *sniffs* I'm sorry, but what is that smell?
Steven: I don't smell anything.
Yellow Diamond: Ugh, that's 'cause you live here.
Blue Diamond: Anyway, we were talking, and we decided-
White Diamond: This is taking too long! *shoves aside Yellow and Blue* Steven! We've come to Earth to live with youuu! *points her massive finger at Steven*
Steven: What?! My house isn't big enough for all of us!
White Diamond: Oh well, I'm sure we could make do with um...
(White looks out at Beach City's ruined state: land split open, pink poison streaming, houses ruined, and Injector debris scattered, while a car alarm rings in the distance.)
White Diamond: Has your planet always been this... *waves her arm* Destroyed?
Blue Diamond: Not that we're judging.
White Diamond: Goodness, no! Because judging anything based on appearance is wrong!
(Steven pauses and glares at White, unfazed and less than amused at her patronizing attempt to resonate with him.)
Steven: Yeah, I don't know about this.
"Wow, second time I agree with Steven and it's because the other Diamonds clearly haven't learned their lessons by now! Great job trying to convince me that these guys are redeemed." Mew snarked.
White Diamond: But, Steven, it's been soooooo boring since you've left! I guess we'll just waaaait for you to viiisit us wheneeeever youuuuu'rre reeeaaaaaaaaadyyyyyy...
(White slowly stomps back to the ship, feigning sadness in order to guilt Steven into giving her attention. The ground shakes with each colossal footstep.)
"Heck, she is literally guilt-tripping him by pretending to be sad. You know, like how she forced every single Gem to be perfect, and if they aren't, she would guilt-trip them until they are up to her expectations? This movie shows us that the Diamonds hasn't changed at all in the time-skip.
"Also, Steven reintroduces the Diamonds to Spinel." Mew said.
Steven: Blue, Yellow, White! This is Spinel!
Spinel: My Diamon...nnnnnnnnnnnnds...
(Spinel zig-zags her arms to make three Diamond salutes, which the three Diamonds react with stunned surprise. White gasps audibly and holds her hands to her face.)
Yellow Diamond: Pink's little playmate?
Blue Diamond: One of Pink's lost treasures.
"This just confirms it, they know who Spinel is. That means they could've gone to Pink's garden and got her. But no, they didn't. White was too busy being a narcissist, Yellow was busy trying to erase everything of Pink, and Blue was busy kidnapping humans to actually do something that would've helped with their grief a long time ago. Then again, knowing White, she would've shattered Spinel back then, so no matter what happens, Spinel was either going to go down this route or get killed by White.
"Anyways, Steven decides to give Spinel to the Diamonds, as she wants to start over from scratch, and since Spinel used to be Pink's playmate, that'll help them move on. And they sing a reprisal of 'Let Us Adore You'.
(Finding newfound love, Spinel slowly steps forth towards the Diamonds. She makes a heart shape with her arms and jumps onto Yellow's hand, after the latter lowers it in front of her.)
Spinel: Yes, I know that you're not her, and I was hers,
But you know what it meant to love her,
And you remind me so much of her
"Despite the fact you spent this entire film hating her. Hey, if it means people will stop throwing Pink under the bus, I'll take it." Mew said.
The Diamonds: Today, right here, right now,
Spinel & the Diamonds: We'll/I'll love again;
We've/I've already found someone
"After they leave, we get our final song, 'Finale', which everyone sings while cleaning up the mess left behind by the bio-toxin." Mew said.
(The scene pans up to the starry night sky, before shifting the scene to a brightly-lit broadway stage, Steven, Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, and Connie, all wearing suits and peacock feathers.)
Steven: I'll be ready every day
For as long as I can say,
Here I am in the future with my friends!
Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl & Connie: I can make a change!
Steven: That's why...
(Greg then walks onstage, wearing a suit too, and hands Steven a bouquet of rose.)
Steven: Happily ever after never... ends
(The group claps all together as a tearful Steven culminates the performance, and the curtains close. The "Steven Universe: The Movie" title card appears and the credits begin to roll.)
[END]
"So that was Steven Universe The Movie, and it's bad. And I'm not changing that opinion." Mew said.
"I know you all want me to enjoy this movie, but as a certain reviewer once said…"
Raven: You're not giving this a chance!
Bobsheaux: It's not letting me!
"The characters are complete jokes, the plot is awful, and they take so many cheapshots to everything good Pink Diamond has done that this film should've been called Everybody Hates Pink Diamond The Movie, because that's all everyone does in this film.
"Heck, Steven acts like an entitled brat during this whole film, wanting to stay the same, completely ignoring that change happens all the time. And Spinel, they could've gone with any other motives for her, and they went with one that was completely weak, all just to give the majority of the fanbase an excuse to hate Pink Diamond more than her genocidal dictator relatives. Heck, I can't even feel bad for Spinel due to the fact she knows none of the Crystal Gems are at fault for her being left behind, and she still wants to murder them for no other reason than her being happy." Mew explained, before sighing.
"I really wanted to like this movie. I actually tried to when it first came out, but they ended up failing so badly due to all the problems I had listed. If they went with the suggestions I've made, then the movie might've been okay.
"Anyways, I'm the Critical Mew, and I review these stuff so you don't have to. Hopefully, I'm done with the franchise. Besides the Light trilogy." Mew said.
[Garnet] We...
[Amethyst] We...
[Pearl] We...
[Steven] We...
[Lapis, Peridot and Bismuth] We...
[All] ...are in the future!
(Camera pans out to show Steven, the Crystal Gems, Connie, the Off-Color, some of the uncorrupted Gems and the Diamonds and Spinel on the hill over the beach)
"Oh lords and ladies no." Mew said with an horrified expression.
(Cue instrumental version of theme song)
Next time: Hazbin Hotel(Pilot)
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