Last Time in Damaged, Broken, and Unhinged:

"I don't know. I'll think of something. Just give me a little time. Please. Don't go to Cray again."

I shrug noncommittally, I don't want to go to Cray again but I will if I have to.

Peeta takes my silence for acceptance. "Trust me. I'll find something." He shakes his head and laughs bitterly. "At least one good thing came of this."

I narrow my eyes. "What?"

"I finally worked up the courage to talk to you."

oOo

Damaged, Broken, and Unhinged
by RoseFyre & FanficAllergy

oOo

Chapter Two: Feed Just One

oOo

"If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one."

― Mother Teresa

oOo

I stare at the baker's youngest son in shock. My mouth opens and closes, but no words come out.

"Please, Katniss, just take the bread," he says again. He folds my hand closed over the coin I'm still holding out. "I want you to have it."

I stare at him, trying to say something, anything. But I can't. I can't even say thank you. All I can do is flee. My cheeks flaming, I run all the way back to my house. I think I hear him call my name, but I don't stop. I don't want him to see me cry.

I feel the tears threatening to overwhelm me and I dash at them angrily. Why couldn't I say thank you? Why was it so hard? He was trying to help me. He did help me. Saying thank you is the least I could've done.

I stutter to a stop in front of our front door, panting against the doorframe. I wonder if anyone's awake yet. I hope not. I don't think I can face my family right now. I don't have the energy to deal with my mother's blankness, Aven's neediness, or Prim's questions. All I want to do is get inside, draw a long hot bath, and sit in it until I don't feel so dirty anymore. Carefully, I open the door and slip inside.

It's dark. So far, so good.

Setting the food I got on the counter by the door, I tiptoe across the room, trying to avoid the squeaky floorboards. But in the low light, I miss one.

"Katniss? Is that you?"

I freeze at Prim's voice, any lingering hope of avoiding her questions melts away.

"Didn't mean to wake you, Little Duck," I manage to say, trying to keep my tone quiet and even. She doesn't need to know how shaky I am.

"I wasn't sleeping," she says in a voice that belies her words. She stands up from the kitchen table, her form silhouetted against the windows. She fumbles with our oil lamp.

"Don't bother with that," I tell her. "You should be in bed." I don't want her to see my face or my dress.

But my sister ignores me. "I wanted to see how you were doing, after…" She looks around, trying to get her bearings. "What time is it?"

"It's early. Sun's just coming up."

"He kept you all night?"

I nod my head. "Paid extra too."

"Was it worth it?" she asks. I think she wants me to say no.

"Yes," I say instead. I don't sound very sure of myself.

I'd do anything to save my family.

I just didn't realize I'd be sacrificing myself.

"How much did you get?"

I slip into one of the chairs and pull out the coins. "Twenty five."

"That's a week in the mines!" Everybody in the Seam knows how much you make in the mines… and how far the money'll get you. Prim does the math in her head. "You're gonna do it again, aren't you?" It's not really a question.

I turn away, not wanting to answer.

"I've got something for you," Prim says, her voice carefully neutral.

I turn back to see her pulling something out of her pocket. She sets a small glass bottle on the table.

"What is it?" I ask.

"Wild carrot seeds. If you take a teaspoon now, you shouldn't get pregnant."

I definitely don't want Cray's child. Even though he used a condom, there's no guarantee. I've seen enough women come to Mom, asking for something to induce a miscarriage, to know condoms don't always work. "Thank you."

"They're gonna taste nasty," she warns me. "And you'll need to take them for seven days, just to be sure."

"What if I get my period?"

"Then I guess you're not pregnant." Prim changes the subject. "What else you got there?" She nods towards the two bags on the counter.

I pull out their contents onto the table. It's not much. Three cans of Capitol-made ready-to-eat soup, a small tin of salmon, and something labeled jellied cranberries. There're three loaves of bread and seventeen rolls, but they're all stale or burnt. Between Prim and me, we can probably mix some of it with the soup to turn it into a meal, but even so, it'll only feed our family for a couple of days.

It's still more food than we've seen in weeks.

Prim counts it out before putting it away. As she's stacking the cans in the empty cupboard, she says, "Aven missed you last night."

"I'm sorry."

"He cried himself to sleep. I tried, but I'm not a singer like you or Dad."

"How's Mom?"

"Still out of it. She won't even get out of bed." It's an accusation. My sweet little sister is becoming hard.

"Were you able to get anything into her?"

"A little tea."

I sigh.

Our mother's been this way ever since our father died. Losing him broke something inside of her. She made it through the funeral but collapsed as soon as we got home. Prim and I have taken turns taking care of her, hiding her incapacity from everyone. Thank goodness we're not in school right now, although that'll change next week, which brings up a new set of problems. Primarily, what to do with Aven.

The laundress, Hazelle, will take care of Aven during the day for a price. Mostly we've been trading service for service, healing herbs and medicine for child care, but with our mother out of commission, I'm not sure how much longer we can keep it up. Last month, we told her my mother was still grieving and we gave her tesserae oil instead, and I hope she'll continue to accept that. I know a little of my mother's skills, but I've always been more of my father's child. My place is in the woods, gathering herbs, hunting, trapping, and fishing. Prim's a better healer. One day she may even be as good as our mother. But she's still young and has a lot to learn.

Unfortunately, there's no one left to teach her.

"So now what?" Prim asks, turning back to face me.

"Now we put some water on the stove and then I take a long bath. I need to get his scent off me." I'm ashamed to hear my voice break.

My sister's by my side in a heartbeat, wrapping her thin arms around me, all trace of her earlier hardness gone. "Don't worry about it, Katniss. We'll figure out a way. You won't have to go see that man again."

"That's a nice thought, Prim."

We both know it isn't true.

oOo

Once I feel less dirty, Prim and I work on making breakfast. It's not much. One of the cans of soup with toasted slices of one of the loaves of bread for filler.

While Aven happily gulps down his breakfast, dipping the least burnt slices of bread in the salty liquid, Prim and I manage to force a few spoonfuls of food past our mother's lips. Feeding her is a chore. She'll only eat a little before she rolls over onto her side, refusing to take any more.

She's slowly wasting away. I think, in her mind, she blames herself for our father's death, and now she's hurrying to join him.

Prim and I eat what Aven and our mother don't. We're so used to going without that even the small portions feel like a feast.

When we're done, I tell Prim to watch Aven and our mother while I run out to buy more supplies. Prim and I will eat pretty much anything, but Aven's pickier. He gets bored with the same thing every day and we're lucky if he eats more than a few bites of any one thing before demanding something new. My mother's a different challenge, and it's hard striking a balance between the two.

I consider going to the Hob, but I know what they have isn't going to be nutritious or as good of quality as what I can get in town. The best thing about the Hob is most of the vendors will accept barter instead of money, but I have actual coin today. So town is better.

My first stop is the butcher's, where I purchase a little bit of salt pork, more for flavoring than anything else. Then it's on to the dry goods store, where I pick up what I can. I don't want to spend all my money now. We just need enough to make it through until I can get my tesserae again.

I don't want to have to go to Cray again so soon if I can avoid it. He'll be curious as to why and might come to my house to investigate.

Still, even bargaining as hard as I can and purchasing older and unlabeled goods, I'm out eleven coin. I think, with the boy with the bread's contribution, we should make it through the next week.

When I'm done, I head back home to find someone with a cart standing at my door.

My heart plummets. Cray's found out about my mother. Someone's here to take us to the Community Home.

I glance around, wondering if there's someplace I can go to hide. There isn't anywhere, short of turning around and going back the way I came.

That's not a good choice anyway. My siblings are home. Even if I'm safe, Prim and Aven won't be.

Steeling my shoulders, I soldier on, ready to face the worst.

As I get closer, I realize, to my surprise, that it's the baker's youngest son. My heart drops further. "Are you here to take the bread back?"

"What? No!" Peeta says. "Um, can you open your door? I'd like to put this inside."

I stare at him. "Huh?"

"Please, Katniss. Will you open the door?"

"What are you doing here?"

He takes a deep breath. "I think it'd be obvious. I'm here to help."

"I don't need your help."

"I think we both know that's not true." He smiles ruefully.

"I don't want your help."

He shakes his head. "Can we talk inside? I don't think you want your neighbors hearing everything that we have to say."

I realize he's right. I don't want them to hear anything. But I'm afraid, if he comes inside, he'll see how bad my mother is and go call the Peacekeepers. I'm caught between a rock and a hard place.

"Give me a second, I need to see if anyone's home."

"No one answered the door when I knocked."

I frown. Prim and Aven should've been there. "I'm guessing they went out?" I suggest, my voice uncertain.

"Probably." He stamps his feet. "It's getting a little cold out here."

I sigh, opening the door, noting with relief that the door to the bedroom is closed. So long as my mother doesn't let out one of her low cries, we should be okay.

I turn to my unwelcome guest. "Why don't you come in and take a seat?"

He does, closing the front door behind him. "I don't suppose I could ask you for something hot to drink."

"All we've got is mint tea."

"That'll be fine."

I put the kettle on and turn to face him, my arms crossed defensively over my chest. "So… what are you doing here?"

Spreading his hands out in a non-threatening way, he says, "I told you. I'm here to help."

"We didn't ask for your help." My voice is flat.

"I know, but… I just can't bear to see you go to Cray again." His eyes are stricken. "Not when there's something I can do."

"Why does this matter to you so much?" I drop my hands in frustration and take a step towards him. "I don't understand. We haven't even spoken until today! I don't even know what to call you!" I'm frustrated. Confused. And I hate it!

"You could call me by my name."

"Peeta?"

"Yeah." He smiles at me. "I like hearing it on your lips."

I look at him. I don't understand him at all. I shake my head. "Everything that comes out of your mouth just confuses me."

"I don't mean to." He takes another deep breath. "It's just… I've liked you for a long time. But I haven't really had the courage to say anything until now."

"So you're doing this because you've got a crush on me?" I've dated a few guys in the past, nothing serious. But none of them would raise a finger to keep my family from starving. Mostly because they've got to feed their own families. I don't blame any of them for that. Everyone in the Seam is struggling.

Peeta just continues to smile at me. It makes me uncomfortable. "So what do you think you can do to help?"

The smile slips from his face, much to my relief. "Well, I can keep bringing you some of our old bread. My mother won't notice if I don't give all of it to the pigs and chickens."

"Uh huh."

"And… I… may have kind of, well, sort of… signed up for tesserae." Peeta shuffles his feet, shooting nervous glances in my direction.

My head reels. "You did what?"

"I signed up for tesserae." His voice is stronger now. More sure.

"No!"

"Yes?"

"Take it back!" I'm overwhelmed. Scared. The implications are almost too immense to think about. The kettle on the stove behind me lets out a long screech, but I don't have the brainpower to deal with it right now.

"I can't. You know the rules," he tells me, slipping past me to the stove. "Once you've signed up, your name's in the Reaping Bowl no matter what. If you take tesserae one month or twelve, it doesn't change how much your name's in the bowl." He pours us both a cup of tea and holds one mug out to me.

I stare at it dumbly. Peeta took out tesserae for me and now he's offering me tea? This can't be happening. "So take it home to your family!"

"And face my mother?" He blows on his tea to cool it. "Are you insane? She'd kill me! You've gotta take it. Otherwise it'll be wasted."

I wouldn't want to argue with his mother. But that doesn't mean I can just take his tesserae. He's risking his life for that grain and oil. He can't just give it to me. "What do you want in return?"

"Nothing!"

"That's not how it works," I tell him. "Everything has a price."

He shakes his head, taking a sip from his mug. "You don't owe me anything, Katniss. I wanted to do this."

If he won't name his price, then I'll have to choose it. I don't have a lot I can give him.

But there is one thing.

I stand up and start unbuttoning my shirt.

The mug slips from his hand onto the floor with a loud crash. "What are you-" Realization dawns in his eyes. "No! Damn it, Katniss, no! I don't want that from you!"

I unbutton another button. "You say you've got a crush on me. All boys want this."

"Not all boys!" He scrambles backwards away from me. "I mean, yes. I find you attractive. Who wouldn't? Damn it, Katniss, I-" he stops himself from completing the phrase, much to my relief. Taking several steadying breaths, he continues, "But it needs to be real. For both of us. Until it can be real, I'll wait. And if it never happens, I'm okay with that. Just please, let me help you. I couldn't live with myself if I let you and your family starve and did nothing."

I stare at him, my mind struggling to take in everything he said. "I need to give you something in return."

Peeta furrows his brow, thinking. "You're good at hunting, right?"

I nod my head.

"Then teach me how to hunt. My father likes squirrels. It'd be nice to be able to bring one home for him sometime."

"There's too much snow," I point out. I haven't left the district in a few weeks because of the snow piled up against the fence. I can't take him hunting now.

"So teach me in the spring," he says, bending down to pick up the broken mug.

I think about his offer. "So you're saying, if I teach you to hunt, you'll give me your portion of tesserae?"

"If that's what you want, Katniss." Peeta looks up at me, his eyes shining. "I'd give it to you anyway. But this way at least I get to spend some time with you."

"No sex?" I say, my hands still hovering over my shirt buttons.

"No. No sex." He looks like he wants to say something more, but doesn't. That's fine with me, everything that comes out of his mouth just confuses me more and more.

I cross my arms over my chest. "So we'd be, what, hunting partners?"

"And friends, if you'll have me."

"I'm not very good at friends."

"I think you're selling yourself short." He gives me a little smile. "What about that guy you hang out with at school? Thom, right? You're not seeing him, are you?"

I shake my head. "No. Thom's just a friend."

"See? If you can be friends with one boy, you can be friends with me."

"Fine, Peeta," I give in. "Friends."

oOo

Peeta helps me unload his cart, carrying in the bags of grain and jugs of oil. When we're finished, he looks over at me with regret in his eyes. "I should probably get going. My mom thinks I'm running an errand to the goat man to get some milk, and I can't be gone for too long."

"Thank you," I say, finally summoning up the ability to say the words I wasn't able to this morning. "For everything."

Peeta's hand reaches out like he wants to touch me before he draws it back. "I told you. I want to do this. I need to do this." He smiles at me again. "I'm just happy you're letting me help."

After he goes, I try not to worry about where my sister and brother are. They still haven't returned home. Instead, I spend my time taking stock of our supplies and making a batch of tesserae bread. It's not as good as the bakery's, but it's filling. I also make a little stew to go with it. It's more broth than substance, but together with the bread, it should be enough to fill us up.

Sometime in the late afternoon, there's a knock at the door. I open it to find Hazelle Hawthorne standing there, my little brother in her arms. Before I can even ask a question, she hands him to me.

"Sorry about this. Prim dropped him off this morning, but I just got a rush job I need to work on tonight." She's talking a mile a minute, shoving Aven's hat, lunchpail, and other things at me. "I'm sorry I have to drop him off a little early, but I can't wait for you to pick him up."

I nod my head wordlessly, catching the hat before it falls to the floor. I have no idea what she's talking about, but I'm not about to reveal that Prim brought our little brother to her without telling anyone. Hazelle's sharp. She'd know something was up. I can't let her find out about our mother. I can't let anyone find out about our mother.

"Thank you for watching him," I say, setting my little brother down. "Um, is one jug of oil still good for payment? When I get my tesserae, I mean."

"So long as you provide his meals, yes."

It's a good deal. I'm glad she's willing to accept it.

After Hazelle leaves, I sit Aven down at the table with a couple slices of toast and a bowl of stew. He eats a few bites before pushing the plate away. This is typical of him.

Pulling out my newly purchased jar of jam, I spread a thin layer on one of the pieces of toast and offer it to the little boy.

Aven takes an exploratory bite, then smiles at me. "Yummy!" he proclaims before wolfing it down.

I pull his half-eaten bowl of soup over and crumble up one of Peeta's stale rolls into it, glancing up at the clock worriedly.

Where in the world is Prim?

oOo

My sister doesn't return home until it's almost dark. She slips into the house, stamping the snow off of her boots.

"Where were you?" I ask her, my arms crossed. I feel an eerie sense of deja vu, only with the roles flipped.

Prim whirls, turning to face me. "Damn it, Katniss, you startled me!"

"You didn't answer my question. Where were you?"

"Out."

"I see that. You were supposed to stay here, with Mom and Aven."

"Aw crap, Aven! I forgot! I'll be right back!" She puts her hand on the doorknob.

"Don't bother," I tell her. "Hazelle dropped him off earlier. She had something come up. You're just damned lucky I was here."

Her hand drops. "I'm sorry."

"So where were you, Prim?" I press. "Why'd you sneak off like that?"

"I had to do something, Katniss! You can't go to Cray again." She throws herself into my arms. "I won't let you."

I reach up to stroke her back. "And leaving our brother with Hazelle helps me not go to Cray?"

She pulls away and reaches for her bag, dumping the contents onto the table. There's a fairly large rabbit along with some thin strips of whitish plant material, probably the inner bark of some tree, and a few rose hips and wintergreen leaves.

"Where did you get this, Prim?" I ask, already knowing the answer.

"In the forest."

"Outside the fence?"

She nods.

"How did you get out there?" If there's an opening, we can both go out tomorrow. I feel hope swell within me.

And it's just as quickly dashed at my sister's answer. "I climbed the fence."

"Prim! That's dangerous! What if it had turned on while you were on it?"

"But it didn't!"

"But it could've!"

"Then you'd have one less mouth to feed! We needed the food!"

I throw open the cupboards, showing her the packets of grain and oil. "No, Prim, we didn't!"

"Where'd that come from?" she asks, staring at the newly full cupboards.

"Peeta Mellark."

"The baker's boy?"

I nod.

"Where'd he get it?" Her voice is suspicious.

"He took out tesserae."

Her eyes widen. "He must love you a lot."

Slumping against the counter, I look at my little sister helplessly. "I think he does, Prim. I think he does."

"Well, what are you gonna do?"

I shake my head. "I don't know."

oOo

AN:
Written: 11/7/15
Revised: 4/11/15
Revised 2: 4/26/16
Betaread by: Amy & amelinazenitram

So we've decided to continue this. There will be no set posting schedule for this fic. We've already got other things that take priority.

Each chapter title will be inspired by a quote. As you can see, this one was from Mother Teresa. The title of the fic as a whole comes from Nikita Gill and the first chapter comes from Buddha.

Fair warning: this fic will probably be a little dark to begin with. There will be a happy ending, but it's not going to happen immediately.

Much like Let Me Fly, many of the elements in this story will be randomized. We do have an endpoint and a general outline of how to get there.

Things We Randomized:

- If Prim got over the fence and what, if anything, she caught/found

We hope you enjoyed! Let us know what you think!