Last Time in Damaged, Broken, and Unhinged:

Darius approaches me slowly, like you would a wild animal caught in a snare. "Hey," he says, holding his hands up in an unthreatening manner. "You're safe now. He's not gonna hurt you."

"He'll come back," I whisper. Peeta was right. Men like that won't stop.

Darius's sea green eyes harden. "No. He won't, Katniss. I promise. He won't ever hurt you again."

I stare at him in shock, unable to say anything more.

He pulls out a handkerchief and starts dabbing gently at the corner of my mouth. "No one is ever going to hurt you again." His mouth hardens into a thin line. "I won't let them."

oOo

Damaged, Broken, and Unhinged
by RoseFyre & FanficAllergy

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Chapter Five: Not By Misery

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"We all want to help one another. Human beings are like that. We want to live by each other's happiness, not by each other's misery."
― A Jewish Barber (The Great Dictator)

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Darius writes me an excuse to miss school. I'm grateful. I'm not capable of sitting through school today. Not after what just happened.

Peeta and Prim will be worried, but I can't handle dealing with anybody right now, not even them. Aven's with Hazelle for the day. My mother is here, but she's her usual blank self. Being with her is as alone as I can get. Now I just need to find a polite way to get the red-haired Peacekeeper to go away without pissing him off. Thankfully, Darius seems to sense I need my space. He leaves once he escorts me home.

Thank goodness.

I spend much of the rest of the morning scrubbing myself off and trying to wash every last inch of Donaldson off of me. I'm still shaky. I can't believe he tried again. If Darius hadn't been there…

I shiver.

Why did Darius intervene? I'm confused. I thought the Capitol wanted its citizens to be afraid. Isn't that what the Hunger Games are for? To remind the Districts of the Capitol's strength? I don't understand. What's even worse is that I now owe Darius a debt. One I have no idea how to repay. My thoughts are a kaleidoscope of confusion that not even sleep can overcome.

I'm lying in bed when Peeta brings Prim and Aven home. I'm able to wave them off, citing nausea. The excuse explains why I don't eat anything later and why the only thing I'm able to keep down is mint tea.

I know Prim will be satisfied, but I'm going to have to explain myself to Peeta tomorrow. He knows something is up. But he also knows I don't want to discuss it in front of Prim. So he doesn't ask, not yet.

The next day, during lunch, he pulls me out into the schoolyard, motioning for Delly and Thom to start without us. It's private out here because it's so cold. My old threadbare winter jacket doesn't close all the way and it's tight across the shoulders. I wish I could wear my father's old hunting jacket, it would be warmer, but ever since I went to Cray, Prim seems to have claimed it for herself. I haven't asked her why. I don't need to. The jacket is like Aven's old blanket, it makes both of us feel safer and more secure. I don't have the heart to take that away from her, even though I'm freezing.

Seeing my discomfort, Peeta takes his off and hands it to me. I accept his offer, knowing he'll keep pushing until I do. The warmth seeps into my skin, surrounding me with the soothing smells of baking bread and heated sugar.

"What really happened yesterday?"

I don't say anything.

He narrows his eyes. "Katniss. Did that Peacekeeper come after you again?"

I look away but nod.

Peeta swears. "I'm gonna kill him. I don't care if he's a Peacekeeper. I'm gonna kill him."

"Don't say that!" I glance around nervously, hoping no one overheard. The coast seems to be clear. Time to level with Peeta. "Besides, he didn't get a chance to do anything."

"What do you mean?"

"A couple other Peacekeepers came by, saw it happening, made him stop. They even arrested him."

"Why?" Of course he would ask that question, the one I don't have an answer to.

"I don't know." I shrug. "Darius said they're not supposed to terrorize the populace or something like that. It's all kind of a blur. Darius wrote me a note so I wouldn't have to go school afterwards."

He goes from angry to concerned in an instant. "Are you okay, Katniss? Did he hurt you?"

I assume he means Donaldson, not Darius. "I'm still kind of shaky, and not from the cold either. And I bit my tongue." I look up at him. "I'll be okay."

Peeta shakes his head. "I'm gonna walk you home now."

"Why?"

"I bet you didn't sleep last night, did you?"

"A little." It's not a lie. The warmth of Prim and Aven curled up against me lulled me into sleep a few hours before dawn. But even their comfort wasn't enough to stop the nightmares.

"But not enough," he says, narrowing his eyes. "I'm taking you home, Katniss. And you're gonna get some sleep. If anyone asks, we'll just say you're still sick. I mean, you've got that note, right?"

I nod.

"So that means you can rest today. You need it."

He's not wrong. "But what about Prim?"

"I'll come back to get Prim and Aven later." His features morph into an expression of resolve. "But I'm staying with you while you sleep. I'll make sure nothing happens to you."

For some reason, a flood of warmth flows through me. Knowing I'll be protected while I sleep is a relief. Maybe knowing I've got someone there to keep me safe will chase the nightmares away. I reach out and give his hand a quick squeeze. "Thank you," I murmur. "Thank you for everything."

oOo

I return to school the next day even though I'd rather not. Peeta refuses to let me and Prim walk alone even though I remind him Donaldson is gone. He insists on watching over both of us as much as possible. I don't protest too much. I don't feel safe in Twelve. The mere sight of those white uniforms is enough to cause my stomach to lurch in fear.

There are rumors around town a Peacekeeper has been arrested for abusing his power, but no one seems to know the real story except for me, Peeta, and Darius. I'm grateful for that. I don't want people to know it was me.

After Peeta brought me home yesterday, I was able to get a few hours of sleep. When I woke up, the house smelled like sugar. My stomach rumbled, reminding me I hadn't eaten anything since the day before. Peeking my head into the kitchen, I was met with a surprise. Somehow Peeta managed to make tesserae grain into something edible, a hearty dark bread with an almost sweet flavor.

Without saying anything, he sliced a thick piece off of one of the cooling loaves and handed it to me.

Rich, yeasty nuttiness exploded over my tongue. Who knew tesserae bread could taste this good? "I could eat this every day for the rest of my life." The words slipped out before I could stop them.

Peeta blushed. "If that's what you want."

As I replay the conversation in my head while doodling in class, I feel a little stab of guilt. I know Peeta's got feelings for me. He's as good as admitted it out loud and he shows it every day in his actions. The problem is I don't know how I feel about him. I trust Peeta more than any other man, but that's not saying much. I'm not sure I trust any man at all right now, including Peeta.

I hate not being able to give him the answer I feel he deserves. But I just can't overcome the fear.

Peeta walks us home the following day, but he can't stay, much to my disappointment. He's needed in the family bakery and his mother's starting to wonder why he's late so often. "She thinks I have a girlfriend," he tells us, "and she's trying to snoop around to find out who."

"But you do have a girlfriend." Prim looks back and forth between us, her eyes filled with confusion. "Katniss is your girlfriend!"

A sardonic twist flits across Peeta's lips. "That's not my call to make." Before either of us has a chance to reply, he waves goodbye and walks toward town.

As much as I like Peeta and wish he could stay, another part of me is glad to see him go. It's hard having so many contradictory emotions regarding him. I need time to sort through my feelings, and I can't do that with him there.

Prim and I start on our chores once he's gone. There's always things which need to be done: mending, cooking, cleaning, as well as taking care of our brother. It's just one more constant here in the Seam.

We work in silence with Prim patching one of my socks while I scrub the floors of the bedroom. In the past, we'd chatted or sung songs to pass the time, but after everything that's happened, there really aren't any safe subjects for us. The hours pass until there's a knock at the door. I freeze, the scrub brush clenched in my hands. Donaldson's yellow eyes flash through my mind. I remind myself I'm safe. That he's in jail where he can't hurt me. It doesn't help. Taking a deep breath, I wonder if the time will come when someone knocking at the door won't fill me with dread. I hope it's soon.

Oblivious to my terror, Prim goes to answer it. She comes back into the room, saying, "Katniss, there's someone here to see you." There's concern in her tone, her eyes darting nervously to the door.

Forcing myself to my feet, I walk into the main room. My hands are trembling and I shove them into my pockets to hide the shaking. But doing that doesn't stop my thoughts from racing. Is Donaldson back? Is he here to take revenge?

I see Peacekeeper white standing in the doorway and the world shifts. My heart pounds. My chest feels tight. My vision blurs. I need to get out of here!

"Katniss, it's okay," a warm, familiar voice says. "It's me. Darius."

I stop searching for an escape and blink, shifting the world back into focus. The voice was right, it is Darius. He's dressed in his Peacekeeper's uniform, his white gloved hands outstretched as if to calm me.

"Peacekeeper Freeman." I try to keep my voice even but I'm not entirely successful. "What can I do for you?"

The man takes a step back to give me more space. "No need to be so formal," he says, an easy smile crossing his lips. "It's Darius. I start to shake in terror any time I hear Peacekeeper Freeman. Makes me think my boss is about to chew me out." The smile becomes warmer, more hopeful. "Can I come in?"

I step to one side, noticing Prim, with Aven in her arms, hovering in the background.

Darius turns his head, taking in the main room. "You've got a lovely home, Katniss."

No one's ever said that before. Probably because it's not true. Our home is just like any other Seam home: small, dark, and full of things we made ourselves. "Thank you?" I say, uncertain.

"No, really, I mean it." He shifts, his eyes lingering on the few family pictures we have displayed. "It's nice. Homey. Nothing like the quarters we Peacekeepers get."

"What are your quarters like?" Prim's voice is curious.

"Well, imagine a room about this size," he motions to the main room, "but with gray and white flecked tile floors and all white walls. Everything's white. The ceiling, the floor, and everything in between. White dresser, white bed, white chair, white table. Even the toilet's white."

My sister makes a face. "You mean there's no color?"

"Yup!"

"Sounds…" I struggle for a word. Boring would be unkind. "...clean?"

Darius laughs. "I think the word you're looking for is boring." His voice shifts, becomes warmer. "I could put in for a house, I've got enough seniority, but I don't really see a point without someone to go home to."

I wonder why he's telling me this.

My confusion must show on my face, because he waves it away. "Oh, don't mind me, Katniss. That's not why I'm here anyway."

"Why are you here?" Prim speaks up before I can.

"I wanted to see how your sister's doing."

Aven fusses to be put down and Prim complies. My brother quickly toddles to one of his few toys and starts playing with it.

While Prim's distracted, I shake my head as subtly as I can, indicating for him not to say anything. My sister doesn't know about either attack and I want to keep it that way. "Well, as you can see, I'm fine. Thank you for escorting me home the other day after I got sick on the way to the Hob. I'm guessing that flu just came on me out of nowhere." I hope my lie is convincing.

Darius's gaze flicks to Prim and Aven, then back to me, understanding and respect dawning in his eyes. "I'm just glad I found you before anything bad happened."

I breathe a sigh of relief. He's corroborating my story.

Shifting his weight from foot to foot, he continues, "In fact, I got something for you."

"For me?"

"Yeah." From the pouch on his back, he pulls out a soft package wrapped in brown paper and string. "For you. I saw it yesterday and I thought of you."

I take it hesitantly. With Prim here, there's no way I can turn it down. Not without prompting a slew of questions I'm unable and unwilling to answer. I open it to reveal a soft gray knitted shawl. It's pretty, but it's also useful. Darius must have noticed my coat doesn't fit correctly and got this as a substitute. Does he think Donaldson ruined my coat during the attack at the Hob? Is this Darius trying to apologize to me for not stopping it sooner?

It doesn't really matter. I can't refuse his gift even if I want to, which part of me, to my surprise, doesn't. We need winter clothing. I need winter clothing. Most of what I have is too small, threadbare, or both. I look up at him, gratitude in my eyes. "Thank you. This was kind of you."

"It's nothing, Katniss. I'm happy you like it." His sea green eyes twinkle with pleasure. He turns to Prim. "If it's okay with you, do you mind if I steal your sister for a little while?"

"Um… Sure?" Prim regards him in confusion. "Don't know why you're asking me, but okay."

"Thanks. If it's alright with you, Katniss?"

There's something in his stance. Like he's nervous. I suspect he wants to talk about my attack away from my younger siblings' ears. Grabbing my coat and new shawl, I instruct Prim, "Make sure Aven eats. And try to leave me some bread."

"But it's good!" she protests.

"I know. That's why I want some of it."

She pouts a little before saying, "Fine."

He motions me through the door. The air outside is still bitterly cold and I'm grateful for Darius's gift. Even though it's just one more thing that I owe him for.

"So… what'd you want to talk about?" I ask once I'm sure we're out of earshot.

"I wanted to see how you were, after the other day." He blows on his gloved hands, his eyes never leaving me. I wonder, inanely, if his gloves are more for show than warmth. They must be, because he blows on them again before adding, "And I wanted to check up on you, make sure you knew Donaldson's still in jail. It's pretty likely he's gonna face Capitol justice."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because you deserve to know." He rubs his hands against his thighs, like he's wishing he had pockets to shove them into. "Not all Peacekeepers are like him." His voice is soft, vulnerable. "In fact, most of us aren't. We're just doing a job, like anyone else. Trying to save up money to have a family."

I look at him in confusion. "I thought-" I stop, not willing to complete the sentence.

Darius finishes it for me. "You thought Peacekeepers don't have families. I'm not surprised." He lets out a deep breath and rubs his arms. "We're not allowed to get married until after our tour of duty is over and we're sent back to Two."

I tilt my head. "Why Two?"

"Because most of us are from Two... or the Capitol," he answers, "but not all of us. The Capitol likes to fill up the ranks with orphans from other districts. Kids under the age of eight are tested, and if they pass, they get sent to Two for further training. They pretty much remove all traces of who we were, even our names get changed. All the orphans end up with the last name Freeman."

I'm not sure why he's telling me this, but there's only one reason that makes any sense. "Did that happen to you?"

Darius nods, blowing into his hands again. "I'm from Four, originally. It's why I hate the cold." He flashes a quick grin at me. "It's a lot warmer down there."

I nod even though all I know about Four is what I've seen on the Games or learned about in school. Which is to say, not much.

"My parents were killed when their boat sank during a storm," Darius continues. "Me and my brother and sisters all got sent to the Community Home. The older ones ended up in the Career Camp, but I was the youngest. So I got sent to Two to become a Peacekeeper." He sighs. "I do my best to keep track of them."

"How?" I would think the Capitol wouldn't allow that.

He blushes a little. "I'm not supposed to admit it, but my brother might have won one of the Hunger Games."

The only male Victor from Four I can think of is Finnick Odair. But that can't be right. I stare at Darius, looking for similarities. The resemblance starts to solidify. They have the same sea green eyes.

Those eyes crinkle in amusement. "I see you've figured it out. I promise I'm not the playboy my brother is."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"I don't know. I thought you could use a friend." He looks down. "I could."

People who want to be my friend seem to be popping out of the woodwork a lot lately. First Peeta, then Delly, and now Darius. Next thing I know, Haymitch Abernathy will be pounding at my door, asking me to become his new best friend. I wonder if it's something in the air?

Darius looks over at me. "So, I was wondering if a friend could share a bowl of soup with you? No pressure."

I don't know what to say. He looks so hopeful. So open.

But he's a Peacekeeper. The enemy.

I take in his expression again and think back on what he just revealed to me. Maybe he's not the enemy. Maybe I need to figure out who the real enemy is. And if I'm going to do that, I need to give this man standing so earnestly in front of me a chance.

"Sure. I'd like that."

His answering smile could outshine the sun.

oOo

I get a break from confusing men when the skies decide to unleash hell in the form of blowing snow and wind.

School is canceled for a few days due to the blizzard, which is both a blessing and a curse. As much as both Prim and I don't see the point of attending, going to school is a reason to get out of the house and away from our mother.

It's been almost three months since my father died, and my mother doesn't show any sign of shaking off her depression. If anything, she's been sinking into it even more. Early on, she'd still take care of her bodily needs, and if we placed food in front of her, she'd eat it woodenly. Lately, she's not even doing that, and it's putting a strain on all of us.

Especially Prim.

"Why doesn't she just snap out of it?"

"She's in mourning," I try to explain.

"People die all the time!" Prim gestures at our mother, who is lying in her bed, staring blankly up at the ceiling. "They don't do this! Hazelle didn't do this when her husband died."

"Mom's not Hazelle."

She huffs. "Obviously."

"Mom loved Dad."

Prim rolls her eyes. "Duh."

"No." I shake my head. "Really loved him. Like gave up her whole life, everything she knew, for him. She was a merchant, Prim. She never had to take out tesserae. She never went to bed hungry. She gave all that up to marry Dad."

"She was stupid."

"She was in love."

"I'm never gonna fall in love." Her voice hardens. "Never."

My stomach clenches. This isn't the sister I'm used to. The one who used to beg for stories and songs. This is the sister I've had to share parenting duties with. The one who's had to become an adult in the space of a few months. "Don't say that, Prim," I beg, wishing with all of my heart I could reach the sweet girl I know is hiding deep inside.

"Why? It's true," Prim snaps, dashing my hopes even more. "I'm never gonna fall in love. I'm never gonna get married. If this is what love does to you, I don't want any part of it."

"You're just seeing the bad side. There's good too." Our parents' love was beautiful, like those stories they used to tell us in kindergarten. Yes, now that Dad's gone, Mom is a broken shell. But they had twenty years together. Twenty years I know neither of them would ever give up. They were happy together. Deliriously happy, despite everything. If Prim can't see that… well, I'm not sure how to explain it to her.

"Nothing is good enough to justify this." She shakes her head at our mother, who's ignored our entire conversation. "Love just leads to pain. To suffering. And I don't want any part of it." Prim's flinty eyes meet mine. "And nothing you can say will make me change my mind."

I feel my heart break a bit in that moment. My baby sister is gone. In her place stands this broken bird, and I don't know what I can do to fix it.

oOo

AN:
Written: 11/14/15
Revised: 7/11/16
Revised 2: 8/2/16
Betaread by: Amy, Xerxia, and gentlemama

And here's another instance where Prim is taking on more of the Katniss role in this fic. She's the one who doesn't want love or marriage or family. She's the one who's afraid of loss. It has a lot to do with their ages. In this fic, Katniss is older. She's had relationships prior to her father dying, teenage relationships, but she's had some. She's had more of a "normal" childhood so she's a little more well-adjusted in that sense. That doesn't mean she's not the Katniss we know and love. She's just a little different.

We decided to take a page from Deathmallow's "Long Road Home" series and use her headcanon that the Peacekeeper Corps is filled out with kids from the Community Homes. As for Darius being Finnick's younger brother, that's our own headcanon. We'll get more into Darius's backstory later.

We'll also see what happened with Donaldson later as well.

Nothing was randomized in this chapter.

Thanks for reading! Let us know what you think!