Last Time in Damaged, Broken, and Unhinged:
I realize Prim's right. I might've considered making arrows from the feathers, but selling them never crossed my mind. Furs, yes. But feathers? The tail feathers especially will fetch a good price. Maybe Prim has a point. If we think outside the box, we can make it on our own.
It wouldn't hurt to try.
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Damaged, Broken, and Unhinged
by RoseFyre & FanficAllergy
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Chapter Eleven: Hand of Friendship
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"We're all gifted with the opportunity to succeed. But you get further if you extend the hand of friendship."
― Jimmy Little
oOo
Monday. I hate Monday. I don't want to go to school. Ever, really.
I don't see the point. Why spend eight hours a day learning stuff that has no relevance for the rest of my life? It's not like being able to recite the history of Panem or what chemical impurities taint various kinds of coal is going to be useful in the future. History changes based on whatever President Snow wants it to be each year, and the Capitol won't allow us hicks in the districts to use any specialized chemicals for fear we might make a bomb. Even if I do end up working in the mines, I won't need that information. Miners aren't expected to think, they're expected to work.
So, other than being able to spell my name correctly and add up how much money I don't have each month, school is worthless. And annoying.
Especially today.
The rumor mills are still working overtime even though the attack took place almost a week ago. Merchant and Seam girls gossip and stare at me, some accusingly, some knowingly. A few of the braver boys say things where I'm sure to overhear. Things like how easy I am, how I give it up for a few slices of bread or cans of food. It's humiliating.
Surprisingly, Gale Hawthorne is one of my few defenders. Not because he wants to be nice, but because everyone knows I wouldn't sleep with him. He makes the case there's no way I'd have sex with anyone. Just because I was seen going into Cray's house doesn't mean I was fucking the old Peacekeeper. After all, Gale trades with Cray too, and he sure as hell isn't letting the old man's penis anywhere near him.
No, what Gale's really upset about is that I've been spending time with Merchants. He seems to forget I'm half-Merchant myself. I can't really blame him; I forget it most of the time, too.
But some of today's whispers and rumors have a different tone to them. One of anticipation rather than satisfaction. Like they know something I don't and can't wait for me to find out.
I get my answer at lunch. As I walk into the lunchroom, I sense several heads turning to watch me. I survey the room, trying to find what they want me to see. Delly and Thom are in our usual place. But where's Peeta? He should be with them. I narrow my eyes, looking for him.
It doesn't take me long to spot him.
He's seated at one of the few tables, surrounded by a gaggle of Merchant kids, both older and younger. He's chatting and laughing with them, his arm slung around the shoulders of one of the girls. She snuggles closer to him, resting her blond head against his shoulder. It's a familiar gesture. Too familiar.
Who is this girl?
I can't see much since her face is turned away from me. All I can make out is straight white blond hair held back by a blue headband, which perfectly matches her calico dress.
The whispers in the lunchroom grow louder. I'm guessing this is what they've all been waiting for me to see: Peeta with some girl. It solidifies the thought that everyone assumed me and Peeta were dating. I'm guessing they're waiting for some huge blow up or for me to run off crying in a jealous haze.
Well, they're not going to get it.
Turning my back on Peeta's flirting, I weave my way over to Delly and Thom. The two are oblivious to the potential drama, lost in their own world, but they both nod at me when I sit down.
"Peeta's not going to be joining us," Delly announces. "I hope that's okay."
I frown. "Why wouldn't it be?"
A bright smile spreads across Delly's face. "That's what I'd thought you'd say, but everyone was telling me how you were going to be so upset that Peeta's dating Nata now." Delly gestures at the girl next to Peeta. "You know Nata? She's the confectioners' daughter, the ones who took over after the Donners had to give it up. Anyways, she's had her eye on Peeta for ages now, always coming around, having tea with his mom. Frankly I'm surprised they didn't start dating sooner!"
I know why Peeta didn't start dating Nata sooner. He was still holding out hope for me.
"Nata's not his first girlfriend, is she?" Thom asks. "I thought Mellark had more game than that."
Delly shakes her head. "Of course not! Why, he dated Hettie Anderson about two years ago. She's the blacksmith's apprentice's oldest, I think. There's another sister that they just don't like to talk about, so it's a little murky. Um, and then there was Madge Undersee before she fell for his brother. That was a scandal, let me tell you! And this summer, Peeta went out with Luella MacIntyre."
Thom winces. "You mean Mrs. Mac's kid?"
"Yeah, her." Delly turns to me. "Isn't your sister in Mrs. Mac's class?"
The name sounds familiar. "I think so."
"Yeah, well, um, Peeta dated her daughter. Not for very long, but it was long enough for Mrs. Mac to make his life hell." She shakes her head. "Seriously, Lulu's pretty and all, but there is no way you could convince me that dating any of Mrs. Mac's kids would be worth it, at least while you're still in school."
Thom starts laughing. "Do you know who dated everyone? You're like a who's who of the Merchant social scene."
The smile on Delly's face falters.
"It's not a bad thing," Thom hurries to clarify. "In fact it's a good thing. 'Cause Katniss and me? We don't know nothing about Merchant politics."
"Oh!" Delly beams, brighter than ever. "Well, if you want to know, just ask! I know everything and everyone. Because who pays attention to plain old Delly Cartwright? No one, that's who. So people like to tell me things, 'cause they know I'm not gonna judge them." She lowers her voice. "Except I do. Just a little. You won't tell, will you?"
"Of course not." My eyes drift back to see Peeta joking with another Merchant boy. "Peeta seems happier over there."
"He's not." Delly's voice is firm.
I look at her. "Why do you say that?"
"'Cause I know him." She gestures with her chin and I follow her gaze to where Peeta's sitting. "See that smile?"
I nod.
"It doesn't quite reach his eyes. And you note how he's fiddling with the bread, rolling the crumbs into little balls? That's one of his tells. It means he's uncomfortable."
Sure enough, Peeta's rolling the bread he brought for lunch into neat little balls before popping them into his mouth. "So why is he sitting with them?"
"They're Nata's friends." She stresses the confectioners' daughter's name. Delly holds up a hand. "Oh, don't get me wrong! I may not like Nata's friends, they're too fake and social-climbing. But I like Nata just fine. She's smart and she's really really pretty. But she's also got a lot of pressure on her. She's in line to take over the business when her parents die. Which means her mom's been angling for her to make a good match for ages."
"And Peeta's a good match." It's not a question.
"Of course he is! It's why I always keep track of who he's dating." She nods her head for emphasis. "He's got a pretty good sense of who's real and who's not. But he looks for the best in people. I'm not saying that's a bad thing. But he doesn't always see when someone likes him for what they can get from him rather than just for himself."
This explains why Peeta was so angry when he found out about Darius. He thought I was just using him. Only being nice to him because of the tesserae. And initially I was. But my feelings changed as I got to know him. It's why his words hurt so much.
Delly continues, unaware of my revelation. "Ever since his parents made Peeta their heir when he was fourteen, girls have just been lining up, hoping to become the next Mrs. Mellark."
"But he's sixteen," I protest.
"So? You think that's gonna stop them?" Delly picks at her sandwich. "You know, I envy you in the Seam."
That is the last thing I'd expect to come out of a Merchant's mouth. "What do you mean?"
Delly turns to Thom. "Was your parents' marriage arranged?"
He shakes his head.
"And I know yours weren't," she points at me. "And mine weren't. But they're the exception in town, not the rule. Peeta's parents? That's an arranged marriage. His oldest brother? Also arranged. Mrs. Undersee and Mr. Undersee? Another arranged marriage." She ticks her examples off on her fingers. "Pretty much the only times a Merchant's marriage isn't arranged by their parents is if they're too poor to matter marrying another person who's too poor to matter, or if it's a second marriage. The parents always pay attention to who their kid's dating, especially if it might be a good match. The future of the family business is more important than any individual's happiness." She picks up one of the pieces of bread and starts tearing it into pieces, then rolling the pieces into balls.
I find myself wondering if Delly picked up the habit from Peeta or if Peeta picked it up from her.
She places the balls on the paper bag that held her lunch, absently lining them up into neat little rows. "I'm lucky. I'm really lucky." Her voice grows distant. "My mom and dad don't believe in that kind of thing. And they don't care if any of us kids take over the business. Because I don't want to make shoes." She shudders. "I hate feet. They're smelly and sticky and gross. Having to be around them for the rest of my life? Ugh!"
Thom reaches out and clasps her hand. "So long as you're with me, you'll never have to hang around feet."
"Awwww! That's the sweetest thing ever!"
He nuzzles her neck, planting a kiss on her cheek. "Well, I think you're the sweetest thing. Sweeter than sugar, even."
I turn away, unable to watch the two of them being sickeningly cute with each other. I'm happy for Thom. I'm happy for both of them. But a part of me is envious of what my friends have. I want a relationship like that for myself.
My hand reaches up to finger Darius's necklace. I didn't really want to wear it, but if I ran into him before or after school and I wasn't… well, better to wear it and not be caught in a lie. If I accept Darius's offer, pretty much any chance of my having a loving honest relationship goes out the window. I know that. It's one of the reasons I don't want to take it.
I glance up to find Peeta's eyes on me and jerk my hand away guiltily. Then I stop, confused. I shouldn't care what Peeta thinks of Darius's gift. Peeta's a friend. Just a friend. He doesn't have any claim on me. No one has any claim on me. I can do what I like with whom I like whenever I like.
So why does it feel like I can't?
Things are all mixed up. I need some clarity. And there's only one place where I can find that.
The woods.
oOo
My decision to take solace in the woods is a good one. I might not be finding clarity, but I am finding peace. It's something I haven't felt since before my father got sick, and I didn't even realize I'd lost it.
After our shared trip to the woods, Prim and I set up a schedule. She hunts and traps in the woods after school, while I go out in the mornings. It's a system which seems to work. We both need what the woods can offer, and not just as a form of sustenance but also as salvation. The problem is that we can't just abandon Aven, and leaving him with Hazelle all the time is not a good idea. She'll become even more suspicious than she already is and we can't risk her finding out about our mother. So Prim and I split up, venturing into the woods alone. We both know this can be dangerous, but right now, it's the better choice. The only choice.
It's so quiet this early. It's not quite late enough in the season for the birds to begin their pre-dawn song. So the woods in the early morning hours are still. Silent. Even the breeze seems unwilling to shatter the tranquility.
At these times, I just stop and let it all wash over me, pulling my cares and worries away. That isn't to say I'm just going to the woods to meditate. I'm not. This early in the morning, every footstep or flap of wings carries through the air. It makes finding prey easier. I often come home with something, mostly mourning doves or the odd squirrel. Nothing big, but it's enough to stave away starvation for another day.
It feels good to do something to help my family. All the more so, because hunting doesn't require me to sell a piece of myself. I'd love for Prim's dream of using the woods to rescue us to come true. I'd love to be able to turn Darius's offer down. I know he only offered it to me out of obligation, that he'd rather our feelings for each other be real. He pretty much admitted just that. I'd love to be able to save up for an emergency so that one sick child or shattered window wouldn't put us on death's door again. Most of all, I'd love to feel like myself again. Whole. Without the fear, without the worry. These moments in the woods are as close as I've been in months.
As I and my thoughts wander, I realize Peeta and Delly have never seen the real me. I sit my back against a tree, watching the sky stain orange and pink as the sun rises. I should show them this. I should show them me. The real me.
It's nice enough now. I should really hold up my end of the bargain I made with the boy with the bread.
I smile.
It's time for Peeta Mellark to learn how to hunt.
oOo
My efforts to approach Peeta are stymied. I can't pass him a note during class; we sit too far apart and there's too much of a chance it'll be intercepted. Going into the woods is illegal; if the wrong person read a message, it could be bad.
Even more frustrating, he's spending every free second with Nata. I wasn't upset to find out he was dating the confectioners' daughter, but I'm annoyed that she's monopolizing his time so much. I barely see him anymore except during school. Even then, he eats lunch with Nata and her friends instead of me and Thom and Delly. It's frustrating and I miss my friend.
Finally, at the end of the day on Friday, I've had enough. The weather's too nice, and I promised Peeta I'd teach him to hunt. I want to fulfill that promise. Besides, it's easier to learn tracking in the snow. I don't want to wait until next year to begin with Peeta, and considering his Merchant background, I doubt he has much experience with the outdoors. He needs every bit of help he can get.
I wince in anticipation of just how loud his footsteps are going to be, consigning myself to several days of relying on the traps I set for meat. I'll have to remind myself just how patient my father was with me when he first took me out into the woods when I was seven. Peeta hasn't been doing this as long as Prim and I have. He's going to need time to learn. If Aven were older, I'd teach them both at the same time. That way I wouldn't have to go through the hard part twice.
Oh well. A promise is a promise.
After the final bell, I scoop up my bag, hoping to corner Peeta before he exits the building. He's already on his way out of the room, undoubtedly headed to pick up Nata.
"Hey, Peeta, wait up," I call.
He turns, tilting his head at me, an expression of hopeful curiosity on his face.
All of a sudden, I feel nervous. Like the first time I asked Bran Hatfield out. My tongue's tied and my heart is pounding against my chest. I'm standing here in the hall looking like an idiot. "Um... I, um… I just wanted to see what you were doing tomorrow?" Crap! It even sounds like I'm asking him on a date!
Hurriedly, I continue. "It's been really nice out, and I thought it would be a good time to, you know, start teaching you." I glance around and lower my voice. "You know, things."
The curiosity turns to amusement as Peeta watches me flounder. "I don't know, I'll have to see what Nata and I have planned."
"Did I hear you say my name?" The younger girl drifts over, sliding an arm around Peeta's waist, regarding me inquisitively.
He drapes his arm over her shoulders, giving them a brief squeeze. "You did. Katniss was just asking what we're doing tomorrow."
Her eyes narrow. "Why?" It's directed at me. There's a whole forest of questions in that one word. Why do I want to know? Why am I asking Peeta, and not them both? Why am I approaching him off to the side? Don't I know he's dating her now? Why aren't I following the rules?
How am I supposed to explain that I want to take Peeta out under the fence to engage in an illegal activity that, if the Capitol were to find out we were doing it, might end with us being hanged, or worse? I can't give her the excuse that we need to work on homework. And I'm pretty sure the cousin story that we've been spinning won't fly with her.
Instead, I try for a vague semblance of the truth. "Um… I promised Peeta I'd teach him how to identify some kinds of herbs and plants once the weather was clear. A couple of them are best harvested as soon as the snow melts." It's not a complete lie, but I'm skirting the edges.
"Oh really?" She tilts her head, spilling carefully arranged blond hair over her shoulder. "Which ones?"
She's calling me on my bluff. "Um… maples. And marsh mallows. And wintergreen."
Nata's eyes brighten. "Oh! We use those in our candies!" She smiles at me, seemingly reassured that I'm not looking to steal her boyfriend. "Mind if I tag along?"
Yes. Yes I do mind very very much. But how am I supposed to tell her that? I don't want to spend my Saturday watching Peeta snuggle up to his girlfriend. I already do that enough at school. Also, I'm pretty sure we're not actually going to be doing much foraging. Maybe a little while I set my snares, but mostly I'll be showing Peeta how to track animals and walk silently.
I glance at Peeta, unsure of how to turn her down without seeming suspicious.
He seems to catch on. "It's going to be pretty cold," Peeta tells her. "And weren't you just telling me how much you hate the cold and that you just lost your favorite winter gloves? We're going to be spending a couple of hours outside, all over Twelve." He lifts her hand to kiss her fingers. "Wouldn't want these getting frostbite." The look on his face is tender, playful.
She shoots me a glance, as if to say, 'Look at him; this is what you had and you gave it up. You stupid girl.'
Part me of me wants to tell her Peeta was never mine, so her attempt to make me jealous isn't going to work. But another part of me knows it is working. Peeta was never this gallant with me. A third part of me knows this isn't the real him; Delly knows him best and she's certain of that. So as much as I wants to rub this fact in Nata's face, I don't. Peeta's diffused the situation and given me an out: no need to reignite the fire.
Nata turns back to Peeta. "But we've got that thing on Saturday. You know. We're supposed to go to the Mayor's house and have tea. I made almond macaroons special."
"They sound delicious, but tea's not until three. Katniss and I will be done by… what do you say? Noon?"
I nod. "We'll definitely be done by then. And maybe Peeta will be able to bring something special for your tea." I struggle to find the right thing to say. "I don't want to mess up any of your plans. But I promised Peeta I'd teach him about what kinds of things he can forage. You know, for when he takes over the bakery."
She looks at me thoughtfully. "Why are you helping him?"
"Because he asked me to. And we're friends," I answer quickly. I realize the words are true. Me and Peeta are friends. Or at least we're getting there. "So does seven work?"
Peeta nods. "I'll be up then anyways." He smiles. "Baker's hours."
"Meet you in the Meadow?"
"I'll be there with bells on."
Oh I hope not.
oOo
AN:
Written: 11/11/16
Revised: 4/22/17
Revised 2: 4/24/17
And there's some of Peeta's backstory! We've been waiting to show you all this. We've had it planned for a while. So for all of you who've patiently waited to find out why Peeta is acting the way he is, here's a taste. You'll learn more as we go. The bread incident was really important in canon. Not just to Katniss, but to Peeta as well. Again, you'll get more later, this time in Peeta's own words.
We've had plans for Peeta to have another girlfriend other than Katniss for a long time. We're glad to finally introduce her. It's hard as Everlark fans to not write the significant others as evil. Nata isn't.
Things we Randomized:
- Nothing this chapter!
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