Last Time in Damaged, Broken, and Unhinged:

It doesn't come. Instead, I feel Darius's arms snake around me and he pulls me toward his broad chest. We stand there for a long moment and he rests his cheek against my hair. "I'm not going to turn you in, Katniss. I admire what you're trying to do. What you have managed to do. You're so strong. You're so capable. Let me help you. Let me help you save your family."

Unbidden, a few tears seep out to soak into his chest. "Okay."

I don't know how long we stand there. How long Darius holds me. But knowing, that after everything, that Darius - this Peacekeeper - still has my back moves me to my core. I wish I could give him what he wants.

But I can't.

I'm not sure I can give anyone that.

oOo

Damaged, Broken, and Unhinged
by RoseFyre & FanficAllergy

oOo

Chapter Twenty-One: Nice But Limited

oOo

"Love is supreme and unconditional; like is nice but limited."
― Duke Ellington

oOo

The next day at school, Peeta approaches me. "Are you doing anything on Saturday?" There's an odd tone to his voice that I can't quite identify.

I give him a look, trying and failing to decipher just what he's asking. Giving up, I say, "No. Just working at Haymitch's. Why?"

"Think I could take you up on your offer to teach me how to hunt in the morning?" He flashes a shy half-hopeful smile at me.

Trying to ignore the sudden sensation deep in my belly, I do some mental math. If I pay Prim to help me - from Haymitch's account - I should be able to do what I need to get done at Haymitch's in the afternoon, and I can go out into the woods with Peeta. "Yeah. But I have to be at Haymitch's by noon."

"Oh that's fine," he says, the relief evident in his tone. "That's fine. That's just fine. I could even help you at Haymitch's if you want."

I stare at him. He doesn't usually repeat himself like that. Or offer to spend Saturday away from either Nata or the bakery. "Okay, what's going on?"

Rubbing the back of his neck, he says, "My mother is having tea with Nata's mother."

I don't know what that means. "And?"

"I don't want to be anywhere near there. Nata's already made arrangements to have a sleepover at a friend's house so she doesn't have to go. I need an excuse so I don't have to be there."

I pat his arm. "It's okay. I will happily be your excuse."

"Thank you." He smiles broadly. "You're a good friend."

oOo

When I get to Haymitch's that afternoon, he's sitting at the kitchen table waiting for me, a mostly-full bottle of white liquor in front of him. He squints at me. "Where've you been?"

"School. I told you. I can't be here all the time, I have to be in school."

"Why don't you just get a permit?"

"I can't afford one."

He frowns. "Why not? Ain't I payin' you?"

I drop my bookbag and glare at him. "Look, a permit costs a hundred coin and expires on June 1st. I could afford a hundred coin, if I didn't have to pay it again in less than three months. You don't pay me enough to afford two hundred coin in three months."

"What you spending all your money on?"

"Oh, I don't know." I'm frustrated. Haymitch grew up Seam; he should know how quickly money disappears. "Food for my whole family. Coal, because I have to keep the house warm. Aven's growing like a weed and he needs clothes, Prim's worn through the elbows on most of her shirts, my mother needs medicine and wool," I pull at the waistband of my pants, "and I'm wearing pants that are several sizes too big. What do you think I'm spending my money on?"

Haymitch grunts and rubs his chin. "I don't rightly know." He looks me up and down. His gaze is calculating. "Sounds like you're carryin' the weight for your whole family. Why ain't your ma helpin'?"

I've been asked this question so many times that something inside of me breaks. "Because she's dying." The words tumble out of me and I make no attempt to stop them. "She went away after my father died. And she hasn't come back since." My voice catches and I feel like I might cry, but I don't. "Oh sure, her body's still here. She still eats and sleeps and poops. But my mother died the day they put my father in the ground. Her body just hasn't acknowledged it yet."

"That long?" There's a hint of admiration in his tone.

"Yeah." I nod, a quick jerk of my head. "That long."

"I ain't gonna ask you about a doctor." He points at me. "If you're desperate enough to work for me, I know you don't have money for one."

"Good. Because I don't." I lift my chin, daring him to try to continue that line of questioning.

There's a moment of silence before he asks, "What're you doing with the kid?"

"What?" Aven? Is he asking about my brother?

"The kid. The one you keep draggin' over here. What're you doing with him when you're working here? I know you and your sister ain't skippin' school. What are you doing with the kid?"

Ah. So he does mean Aven. "He goes to Hazelle's. The laundress. I give her tesserae grain and oil to take care of him."

Haymitch grunts again.

"Do you mind if I get started?" I ask, wondering if the third degree is over. If I still have a job.

"Go ahead." He waves a hand. Haymitch narrows his eyes and stokes his chin thoughtfully. "You know, if you want, you can bring the kid with you."

"I know."

"I mean, you don't need to keep payin' for someone else to take care of him when you're working for me."

Is he being nice, knowing I don't have money? I can't ask him that, and something in his eyes tells me that's not quite it. "Are you asking me to bring Aven here?"

"I like the kid. He's got sense, unlike other people I know." He gives me a pointed look.

"So when I get the permit, you won't mind if I bring him here every day?"

"Nope."

That clinches it. He wants to see my brother for whatever reason, and he's willing to watch him while I work. It's a relief. From what I've been able to calculate, even with Haymitch's contribution, I was still going to need to take out tesserae, if only to afford to take care of our animals and Aven's childcare. I could save Prim, but not me. But with this… I'm going to have to do some math, but if I'm lucky, I might be able to avoid taking out tesserae this year. The thought of four fewer slips in the bowl feels like a dream. But unlike so many that I've had this past year, it's not a nightmare.

oOo

Peeta meets me at my house before sunrise on Saturday. He's got a paper bag filled with day-old cookies and muffins. It reminds me of our early friendship, when he'd come over and we'd share food and life was still somewhat easy. Before Donaldson. Before Darius. Before Haymitch.

"You ready?" he asks with a grin.

I nod, shifting my hunting bag on my shoulder. "I thought we'd start with setting some snares. You think you can do that?"

"Sure!" Then he waves a hand. "You'll have to show me the knots, but sure!"

"I'll teach you the first one. It's just a slipknot. Everyone can tie a slipknot." I pull out a piece of string to demonstrate.

"Oh yeah," he says, watching my hands. "My mother used to use one on my belt when I was a child. It kept me from running off. She used to tie it to her apron. One time I was so excited to see my grandmother I tore her apron right off."

I try to imagine that: the straightlaced Mrs. Mellark with a small child tied to her apron strings. It's funny, especially when I picture a cherubic little Peeta running excitedly to greet his grandmother. It's an adorable picture, one I wish I'd been there to see in person. "So do you think you'll be able to tie it?" I ask, not wanting to let Peeta know how much the image has affected me.

"Oh yeah. It was the first knot I learned how to untie. I'm pretty sure I can figure out how to tie it."

I nod and put the string away, moving on to lay out the rest of our plans. "After that, I figured we'd see if the stream has thawed. Now's a good time to catch brook trout."

"Oh, fish. I haven't had fish in…" he pauses and tries to think back. "I think since Madge snuck some of the Victory Tour food to Johnny and me. So December?"

"Then this'll be a nice treat."

Once we slip under the fence I help Peeta set his snares. They're not perfect, but they should be good enough to hold a rabbit or a squirrel. Besides, hunting isn't the same thing as trapping. Trapping is easier - just set and forget. Hunting requires more patience and more skill. But it's also more risky. The reward can be worth it. Better. But it's never certain. It's why I like to hedge my bets by setting snares and nets. Life's so uncertain in the Seam that it's best never to place all of your hopes in one thing.

Or one person.

My eyes stray over to Peeta. I'm glad he's my friend and I'm grateful for everything he's done for me. But I hate having to be so dependent on him. My family would starve without his tesserae. While I might not need to take out tesserae on my birthday, I'm still going to need Peeta's portions until I can build up a good sized nest egg. It shouldn't take me long, but until then… What if something happened to him?

What if he died?

Or worse, what if he ended up in the Games?

I push the slither of dread that curls in my gut to the side. I need to make sure Peeta knows how to survive. If he gets Reaped, it'll be my fault. I have to do what I can to make sure if that happens, he'll have a chance of coming home.

Filled with a new determination, I lead him to the creek. I pull out my nets and show him how to set them in the frigid water.

He looks at the nets and then back up at me. "And fish just… swim into this?" He doesn't sound convinced.

"Well, if you want to drive them into the nets, we can move further downstream and scare them."

"How?"

"By walking in the water."

He looks at his pale hands, stiff from the cold. "Can't we just throw rocks?"

I shame my head. It's not a bad thought; I've thought the same thing in the past, but I know better now. "We could, but it won't guarantee the fish will swim in the right direction."

"So you just set the nets and wait."

"Yup."

He makes a face. "What do you do out here while you wait?"

I get what he's really asking: setting snares and nets is boring. You have to wait for the prey and that take time. A lot of time. "Most of the time? Gather things. Get my father's bow and hunt. Sometimes I'll walk through the woods, see what I can find. Other times if it's nicer and I don't need to keep moving to stay warm, I'll find a tree and set up either in it or under it and wait for the game to come to me. Or…" I pause, thinking about the lake my father used to take me to.

"Or what?"

I hold my hand out to him. "Come on. I'll show you."

He takes it, and I try my best to ignore the little frisson of excitement that flows through me at the sensation of his skin pressed against mine. I lead him along the creek's edge, pointing out fruit trees and cattail clumps as we move. Peeta never lets go of my hand, and I let myself imagine just what it'd be like if he held it forever. It's a nice thought.

After about fifteen, twenty minutes worth of walking, we reach my destination. The mountain lake my father used to take Prim and me to. If I squint, I can make out the stone cabin along the far shore. It's still mostly frozen, with only the areas where the creek feeds into it thawed.

"Katniss," Peeta says, dropping my hand and stepping forward. "This place is amazing!"

I smile. Even in winter, the lake is calming. Safe. "I know. It's my father's place, the place only my family knows about. Me, Prim, my father. That's it. My dad taught Prim and me how to swim here."

He turns to me. "Do you think you could teach me?"

"Once the weather's warmer, sure."

He squints at the water's edge. "Are there fish in here?"

"Lots," I answer. "Bluegill, pike, even walleye. But even better, once the lake thaws, migrating birds use it as a stopover place. My dad and I used to get lots of swans, geese, and ducks in the spring and fall."

"That sounds great." There's a wistful tinge to his voice.

"It was." I shake away the memories of my father and sit down on a fallen log. I take out a piece of string to practice knots with and hold out another, offering it to Peeta. "So why are you so dead set on not being there while your mother has tea with Nata's?"

He joins me, taking the string and tying it in a slipknot. "Because I know what they're going to talk about."

"And what are they going to talk about?"

"An engagement. Between Nata and me."

"Oh." I can't keep the disappointment out of my tone.

"Trust me, Katniss, I don't want it." He tugs at the slipknot, pulling it apart. "And can I let you in on a secret?"

I nod, twisting my string between my fingers.

"Nata doesn't want to get engaged to me either."

I don't tell him Nata's already told me this. I don't want him to think I'm conspiring with his girlfriend. Even if I am. "How do you feel about that?"

"That Nata doesn't want to get engaged to me? Fine." He shrugs. "She's a nice girl. Fun. She'd be a good friend. But I don't want to marry her."

"So why'd you date her?" I know Nata's reasons. I don't know Peeta's. Also, part of me wants to know what he's going to tell me.

He shrugs. "Because she asked me to. She wanted to get her parents off of her back. They were pushing her to give up her heirship and marry into a prestigious family. Namely mine. She figured, if we dated and then had a really public breakup, that our parents would back off." He starts tying his string into one of the more complicated knots I showed him earlier. "I wasn't seeing anyone, and it helps me too. So I agreed."

"Your whole relationship was a charade?"

There's a wry twist to his lips. "From the very beginning."

I practice a knot of my own. "How much longer do you have to keep dating her?"

"I don't know. I hope not very long." His eyes flick to me. "The charade's becoming hard to keep up."

My cheeks heat. "Oh."

"Besides, the 'relationship' has done its job." He grins. "Now we just need to have the explosive breakup."

I'm still trying to wrap my head around the whole idea of fake-dating someone. I couldn't see myself doing that even if my life depended on it. It feels wrong somehow. I'd just want the whole thing to be over with. Speaking of... "When's the breakup going to happen?"

"I don't know," Peeta says with a shrug. "All I know is what I'm supposed to say when she gives me the cue."

"Sounds complicated."

"It is. And it's so stupid." His hands tug at the string, harsher than necessary, and the knot slips. He starts it again. "If our parents would just let us marry who we wanted to marry, we wouldn't have to go through all this."

"Does Nata want to marry someone specific?"

"I think so. She's told me she's got her eye on someone, someone her parents wouldn't approve of. But I don't know who it is. She likes to keep things close to the vest."

I nod. I never once suspected that her and Peeta's relationship wasn't real. Not until she told me. And if me, Delly, and Thom, Peeta's best friends, didn't know, I don't think anybody else caught on. "I'm glad you told me."

He leans back, letting the string go slack in his hands. "I've been wanting to tell you for ages. You, Thom, and Delly. But I couldn't."

"I understand," I say, even though I really don't.

Peeta laughs. "No you don't. I can read it all over your face. And that's why I couldn't tell you. You can't lie, Katniss. Not to someone who knows you. Delly's the same way. You're both honest. Real. It's why I like you."

I tilt my head away to hide the blush that steals up my cheeks. "Come on. We should go check on your snares."

He holds up his string, now knotted into a perfect two half hitch knot. "Okay. Lead the way. I'll follow."

oOo

Later that afternoon, I'm standing in Haymitch's kitchen cleaning my catch. Peeta's wandered off into town to sell his fish. He realized after he caught them that he had no way of bringing them home without arousing suspicion. I told him the butcher would probably be happy to buy them from him and a secretive little smile stole across his lips at the thought of having coin of his own. I wonder what he'll spend it on. I wish I had the ability to sell what I caught and buy something fun, although I have no idea what that might be. All that comes to mind is food. Cakes. Cookies. Bread.

Prim's upstairs, sorting some of Haymitch's clothing into piles of keep, trade, and throw out. She wasn't too happy about helping, but she agreed to when I offered her coin. I don't know why she's being so stubborn. And when I ask, all I get are half-shrugs and 'I don't knows.' I guess she's finally acting like a normal adolescent… rebellious and stubborn. I'd be happy about this, if I weren't the one she was rebelling against.

At least I don't have quite the same problem with Aven. Compared to my sister, he's easy. Simple. He's a child and wants to do typical child things. Like play outside. Haymitch took Aven out back to play with the goats. I just know they're both going to come back muddy and wet. But that's a lot easier to deal with than sullen silences or snide comments.

That leaves me, alone in the kitchen, debating what to cook for dinner tonight. And whether I can invite Peeta to join us, since he said he hasn't had fish in a while and he wasn't able to eat his own catch. But somehow I'm sure it won't be possible. His mother would notice and that could jeopardize both his and Nata's deception.

But still…

I sigh and go back to work, losing myself in the monotony of cleaning.

oOo

"Katniss? You here?" Delly calls out a little after three.

"In the kitchen!" I answer, looking up from the floor where I've been sitting sorting through boxes of cake making materials. I never knew there were so many kinds of sugar. I have no idea what to do with them all.

Delly joins me and starts sorting through yet another cabinet of unopened cans. "I was wondering if you'd actually be here. I saw Peeta in town and he mentioned that you were in the woods together earlier."

"Why wouldn't I be here?"

Delly shrugs. "I figured today might be your day off."

I can't help it. I sit back and laugh. "Me? Take a day off from Haymitch? Not going to happen. At least not until this place isn't a disaster area."

Delly frowns. "You should get a day off. You need it. Why, I'm sure even President Snow takes a day here and there."

"Yeah, but he's in the Capitol, and I'm here." I pull out a bag filled with something called confectioner's sugar and put it to one side. "We live different lives."

"Exactly! If our president can take a day off, you certainly can!"

I shake my head as I clamber to my feet and place the items I'm taking home into a box. "Delly, what's with this whole patriotic thing? First the essay, now President Snow's the best thing since Peeta's cheese buns…"

"I know what you think of me," Delly says abruptly, slamming the door to the cabinet and staring at me.

"What?"

"Don't think I don't know. You think I'm just some silly merchant girl."

"No." I turn to face her slowly. "I haven't thought that in a long time."

"Then why do you think me and Thom don't have a future? Don't you trust us?"

Crap. Delly has either overheard, figured out, or in some other way sussed out my concerns about her and Thom. And she's angry.

"I do trust you. It's just… we live in Twelve. You're either a Merchant, or you're Seam. You don't get to be both."

She waves her hand at me. "You do."

"No, I don't. Not really. In the Seam, you have to be Seam. Through and through. Hard, self-sufficient, independent. Tough. We work with our hands and our bodies and our clothes are covered in sweat and grime." I motion to my own patched and stained clothes to prove my point. "There isn't a family in the Seam who isn't forced to rely on tesserae. I was one of the lucky ones. I didn't have to take out tesserae until after my father died. And that was because my mother still earned Merchant wages as a healer."

"Oh." She bites her lip.

I continue, wanting to make sure Delly knows what a future with Thom holds. "My mom is a Merchant. She never stopped being a Merchant. Even when she married my dad, all she did was give up the comforts of living in town. She didn't, or more likely couldn't, give up her class. When things got tough, she couldn't get a job in the mines." Not that my mother really tried. For all that she lived in the Seam for years, she always considered herself a Merchant: too good to work in the mines. "When my father was forced out of the mines, he couldn't get a job in town. That's what I mean when I say you can't be both."

"But you could choose to work in the mines."

"Yes."

"And you could choose to work in town."

"Yes."

"So my and Thom's kids could do the same thing."

I half-shrug. "They could, but once they make a decision, that's it. That's what they are."

"And what are you?" She sounds genuinely unsure.

I'm not sure myself. "I'm Haymitch's housekeeper. My position's outside the lines. The same's true with any of the Peacekeeper housekeeper positions. Technically I'm working for an individual, not an industry. Those are controlled by the Capitol." The housekeeper positions, the good ones, usually go to Merchants, though. They're too in-demand for Seam people to get. I was lucky I talked Haymitch into mine.

Delly gives it some thought. "The teachers are both merchant and Seam. But they're not an industry."

"They're Capitol-controlled though." I hadn't really thought of it before, but it makes sense. And like the housekeepers, more of them are Merchant than Seam.

She tilts her head at me. "Do you know how they pick teachers?"

I shake my head. It's not something I've ever thought about.

"The top three graduating students are selected to become teachers. They can say no, but no one ever does."

I have no idea where I am in the class ranking. If I had to guess, I'm near the bottom. Not that it matters. As soon as June 1st comes around, I'm done.

"Since I was a little girl, Peeta and me always planned on becoming teachers together. He never thought he could take over the bakery, not with two older brothers, and I don't want anything to do with shoes. We both like kids, so we looked into it. The primary years don't count, but once you enter the upper school at twelve, all of your grades matter."

"What's your ranking?"

"Fourth. Peeta's second. Luella MacIntyre's first and one of the Hatfield twins, I can't remember which one, is third."

I know it's not Bran, so it's got to be his brother Beau. I don't think I ever saw Bran lift a pencil in his life.

"What will you do if you don't make it?"

"Oh, but don't you see? Peeta's the heir to the bakery. He has to turn it down. So technically, I'm in third. And he's promised to do a little worse over the next couple of years, drop down to fourth. If I can just keep my grades up from now until my last Reaping, I'm a shoo-in to be one of the three chosen."

"What about your kids?"

Delly's face is determined. "They can choose their own path, just like you have."

"And your family?" I ask, thinking of my uncle.

"Mom will love her grandchildren no matter who the father is. And my dad, well, he'll come around. I'll just tell him I love Thom. I know he'll understand."

"I hope for your sake you're right."

"I know I am." If anything, her face becomes even more resolved. "Thom and I are going to be just fine. You'll see."

oOo

AN:
Written: 9/16/18
Revised: 12/1/18

And this is why we never tagged Peeta/OC: the relationship was fake from the start. Why do you think Peeta was so quick to start dating Nata after he and Katniss quote-unquote "broke up"? It wasn't a rebound. It was Nata seizing her chance to get her parents off her back and Peeta going along with it.

As you can see, we've solved the Thom and Delly problem. At least in Delly's mind. Katniss still has concerns, but ultimately it's not her decision.

Let us know what you think! Your reviews inspire us to write more. This is especially true with fic. Since we don't get paid for this. ^_^ To those who do review, you're the reason we haven't abandoned our fics. We love you.

Until next time! Thanks for reading!