Author's Note: Ok - fair warning - this is...a sh*t show tbh. I'm going to blame the weather because it's been crazy which clearly caused me to become crazy and this story went completely off the rails. I have no clue what this is...but I'm going to publish it anyway because...well, who knows? Anyway - thank you for reading and if you have any kind of feedback, please let me know! Reviews/comments are always welcome and appreciated! Enjoy!

(also I apologize that it's short!)

…Bermuda and West Indies…New York to Glasgow…Montreal to Liverpool…

A ship's whistle pierced the silence as Tay looked over the list of ports and destinations, mulling over the names of places she had only ever read about.

There had been so many times in the past when she had dreamed of places far from Brooklyn. There were so many places she had never seen, places that had always sounded like untouchable dreams. The city encompassed miles but her world had always been so small, so contained. Any mention of leaving had always been put down so quickly that eventually she'd given up.

Her eyes drifted to the railroad schedule and she recalled the time she'd been brave enough to buy a train ticket only to see it torn to shreds. After that she hadn't dared to try again.

"Tay?"

She turned her eyes toward Mouse as he hesitated at the door with a worried look on his face. She knew what was troubling him without him saying a word. She shouldn't have brought him but he'd tailed her to the waterfront without an invitation.

"Spot won't like–"

"Then don't tell him." She hadn't meant to be rude or to cut him off but she had expected to be alone and what she had wanted was silence. Tay moved toward the door. "You don't have to stay. I'll be fine. I promise."

"But…"

"Really, I'll be fine."

The younger boy searched Tay's face but after a long moment he seemed to take her at her word and left her alone. She had a suspicion that he had headed off to get word to Spot but Tay simply closed the door and went back to studying the travel advertisements.

The strips of paper had yellowed with age and were covered with a thin layer of dust but she could still read the names of far-off places. After all, she had practically memorized each listing as a way to combat the loneliness and tears that had almost always followed Spot's absences. Tay would whisper the destinations over and over as the remnants of Spot's rage littered the ground at her feet. It had been her twisted way of seeking an escape from the torment. After what had happened in Little Italy, Tay's desire to leave everything behind had only grown but then…

She had promised him that she wouldn't leave.

Somehow the space seemed smaller even though it was devoid of furnishings and any odd and ends that had been collected during their time there were long gone. Tay turned toward the shattered mirror that still hung on the wall but she shied away from the broken image as she caught sight of the scar along the side of her face. Morelli had made sure that the cut ran the length of her cheek so there was no hiding from it. Any time she had caught Spot's eyes linger there for even a moment she had turned her face away, feeling shame through her entire being.

It had been her fault the mirror had originally been broken as she had thrown a bottle at Spot but missed and struck the glass instead. Tay had thought the memory of that fight had long since vanished but returning to that room had only stirred up more memories than she cared to think about.

Tay pushed scraps of paper and debris out of the way with the toe of her boot until the faded bloodstain she had known would be there was revealed. She knelt on the ground and traced the edge with her fingers but she couldn't have told anyone what she was doing or why she was there in that room again.

"Tell me it was an accident."

Tears pricked at her eyes and her vision was soon blurred as she cried silently. The sounds from the nearby shipyard seemed to fade and Tay wiped at her eyes, frustrated with herself. What the hell was she doing? The last thing she needed was to be drowning in memories but for some reason she'd been drawn to the waterfront that morning.

Something had compelled her to return to that room where the air was filled with memories both bad and good. Tay couldn't quite put her finger on it but she had her suspicions.

"You're so pretty…"

It had only been one little comment but she'd found herself adrift and unsure of her next step when faced with his sudden change of heart. Had it been a change of heart or had he been trying to reveal his true feelings? Spot had always been a puzzle that she could never quite piece together and his recent behavior had left Tay's head spinning.

The silence in the room seemed to press down on her and Tay reached into the bag at her side, removing a small bottle and bringing it to her lips before swallowing a bitter mouthful. She moved to a corner of the room and pushed her back up against the wall, hugging her knees to her chest.

There was no need to be there and Tay couldn't help but ask herself again about what the hell was she doing there. Life in that room had been nothing but chaotic and she remembered the conversation with Racetrack where he had advised against thinking of the past in an attempt to feel peace. What was she searching for?

As Tay sat there adrift in memories a cold, oily voice snaked its way into her thoughts before she could stop it. "Maybe I'll take his eyes first…he will see how I've broken his little toy…will you cry for him, cara…"

Tay pressed her hands against her temples and closed her eyes tightly as she tried to ignore the memory of the man's voice. She fought to bring the memory of Spot's last kiss to mind but it merely flickered and grew dim. She struggled to find anything to concentrate on. His smile, his eyes, anything that could drive away that voice but older, more painful memories forced their way to the forefront and Tay was lost in the storm.

"He's dead."

"...if you ever try to leave Brooklyn again, I'll kill you."

"You're going to kill a man, Anna? That's who you are now? Guess you're more like me than you want to admit, doll."

"Who do you want me to be?"

"...nobody wants you…"

"...all you ever talk about is how much you want to leave…so go…"

"...the baby…it's–it didn't make it…I'm sorry, Anna…"

Tay lifted the bottle to her lips again and swallowed another mouthful, hoping that the effect would help calm her mind. The silence she had initially welcomed became suffocating and Tay struggled to get to her feet before crossing the room and wrenching the door open.

Just before she reached the water's edge Tay tossed the bottle to the ground and removed her stockings and boots. The mud was cold between her toes and there was a chill in the autumn air that caught her dress as she stood frozen in place with the river lapping at her feet.

The waterfront was bustling as usual but Tay wasn't paying attention to any of it. She stood with her eyes closed, listening to the wind whistling by and trying to fight the dark cloud that had hovered over her for far too long. The drug worked its way through her system and the voices went silent with one notable exception.

"Because I love you…"

Time seemed to pass slowly and Tay found herself watching the water pool around her feet. She felt that same urge she'd had a few days earlier to wash everything clean. Maybe the river would swallow her whole, leaving no trace behind.

"Why did you stop me?"

"...I can't lose you…"

As it had always happened before she sensed his presence before he had even said a word. The temperature of the water had caused her body to slowly grow numb but she could still feel the warmth of his body as he wrapped his arms around her. Tay felt like a wounded animal, capable of lashing out at the slightest provocation but she fought the urge to pull away from him. He had always been able to comfort her even in the most dire times and Tay realized that was what she had been looking for. That sense of calm, that ability to make her feel safe no matter how loudly her demons pounded on the door.

Tay allowed him to pull her gently away from the water's edge and back to where she'd left her shoes. She was blinded by tears and stumbled over the rocky shore but Spot held her by the hand to steady her. It took her more than a few minutes to compose herself as she took a seat on the ground next to Spot and placed her hands over her eyes. When she finally did look over at Spot she was startled to see the look of pain in his eyes. Her heart sank as she realized that she had hurt him and she reached over to take his hand in hers.

"I'm sorry."

Spot kept his eyes on the river and seemed to be considering his next words very carefully. There was a long moment of silence and when he did speak his voice was low. "You promised me."

"Spot, look at me, please," Tay begged but Spot's gaze remained fixed on the river and the look on his face shook Tay to her core. It was a sight she was completely unfamiliar with as he had so rarely allowed anyone to see him vulnerable and Tay wasn't sure what to say. She had never hurt him before, not like that.

Tay shifted around so she was kneeling in front of Spot but it was a minute before she could get him to look at her directly. There was a storm brewing in his blue eyes and her breath caught in her throat as she heard the next thing he said.

"You're going to leave me…like my mother did."

His last words had been spoken in a tone so bitter that Tay could almost taste it. Only a few days before she had requested that he kiss her so she would know whether she could still feel but sitting there on that cold sand and hearing what he had said left Tay wanting that numb feeling to return. She struggled with a whirlwind of emotions and felt waves of shame, hurt, and anger. What the hell was wrong with her? How could she have done something like that to him? The one person who was trying so hard for her, trying to help her and she had basically spit in his face.

"Is this why you're here?" Tay looked down and saw that Spot held the mostly empty bottle of laudanum in his hand. She felt her cheeks grow red in humiliation and she dropped her head down, unable to look him in the eye. Spot tossed the bottle through the air and Tay heard a small splash as it had landed in the river. "Answer me."

"I took some," Tay confessed quietly. "But I…I wanted…I came here thinking I could escape but I never meant for it to get this far. I don't want to leave you, I don't. It's just that everything hurts and no matter where I go or what I do, it still hurts–" Her words failed as the tears she had been trying to hold back spilled over her cheeks. She folded her arms over her stomach as uncontrollable sobs took over and her whole body shook.

Why was she making it about her? Again. Tay gritted her teeth but couldn't get the tears to stop and so she had ended up making a kind of strangled noise that caused another wave of shame to wash over her. Couldn't she get through one damn day without breaking down? It was pathetic. She was pathetic. Spot was the one who had been hurt and all she had been able to do was fall apart.

"Anna." He reached out to hold her and even though she shook her head no Spot had ignored her protest and held her to his chest.

"I don't want to leave you," Tay choked out. There were so many more things she had wanted to say but words failed her. Why would he believe her? She had wounded him and no matter which words she chose she could not take that back. She clung to his shirt and pressed the side of her face against him, listening to his quiet, even breaths.

"I had a sister," Spot said softly once Tay's tears had subsided. She looked up at him and noticed a distant expression on his face. "She only lived three weeks. After that, well, things got real bad. My ma…she just…stopped talking. My da had never been kind but she'd always protected me from him until that day when my sister died. I'd try to talk to her, bring her things to try and make her feel better but she…she wouldn't even come out of her room. Then one day she just disappeared. It wasn't until her body washed up that they were able to tell us what happened. She didn't leave a letter, a note, nothing. She just walked into that river and was gone."

Tay pushed herself back away and searched Spot's face, reaching up to brush his hair back off his forehead and letting her fingertips fall down his face to his jawline. Exhaustion was evident on his every feature and Tay's heart shattered as he leaned into her touch.

"When you…when we lost the baby, I thought it was happening again. I don't know why I did the things I did, Anna, but I know it wasn't right. I thought if I pushed you away, then it would be easier when you left me. And then he took you and I just…I never should have treated you the way I did, Anna."

Tay felt a familiar pull on her heartstrings as she listened to Spot and she realized it had been years since she had seen him so willing to talk about his feelings. His tone was so gentle, so careful that she recalled the young boy he'd once been with her before Brooklyn.

"I didn't mean to hurt you by coming here today," Tay told him quietly.

"I can't lose you."

Tay was startled by his admission and recalled the first time he had said such a thing to her, thinking ruefully of the argument that had followed. Because then she hadn't been able to believe him, hadn't wanted to believe him. That night years earlier he had asked for forgiveness and she had denied him, holding tight to her pain and refusing to let him toy with her again.

Sitting there on that rocky shore she was overcome by an entirely different set of emotions. She found herself wanting to forgive him, to trust that he meant what he said and that there would be no trick that time. But there was still one small worry at the back of her mind and she willed herself to put it into words.

"Would you ever…ever leave me?" Tay was barely able to get the question out and found herself holding her breath as she waited for an answer. It was one thing that had always troubled her but she'd always been too scared to ask him. She understood where his fear came from, after all how many times had she threatened to leave, made attempts to leave, or told him to his face that she wanted nothing more than to leave him.

"I'm not going anywhere, doll." Spot reached up and Tay tried not to flinch as he ran his thumb along the scar on her right cheek. "You know, you're stronger than anyone I've ever met."

Tay found herself at a loss for words and mutely followed as Spot pulled her to her feet and led the way back to their old room. The air was thick with memories of past trysts and Tay felt that same familiar desire build as Spot closed the door and leaned down to kiss her gently.

She reached up and curled her fingers into the hair at the nape of his neck, pulling him as close as possible. His hands roamed over her body and Tay felt her skin grow warm under his touch. She had been so cold, so numb for such a long time but it had been clear the other night that Spot had been learning how to get her to open up again. Dark shadows that normally menaced her were driven away as Spot left a trail of kisses down her neck.

When he pulled away Tay noticed that his eyes were dark with desire and he smiled at her, causing any little resistance she had left to vanish like smoke.

"Pick one."

"What?"

Spot gestured to the travel ads on the wall that Tay had leaned against. He bent his head forward and brushed his lips against her own as he murmured, "Pick a place to go."

The names of various destinations flashed through Tay's mind but she shook her head. "No, I'm not running anymore."

Upon hearing her answer Spot kissed her deeply and for the first time in a long time, Tay let go completely.