writerdragon asked:

I know it's been like 2 weeks but you know what shooting my shot for the Rukia Bday Bonanza (Bunnynanza? Bunanza? ...No.) More Squad 11 Rukia mohawk mini-menace of my heart and also Renji's heart.

[RIP to ff-dot-net readers, but I can't put a link here, so if you want to read part 1, you need to go to my stories, find Squad Six is Jerks vol II, and go to Chapter 4. Also, have you considered using ao3?]

I got so excited about revisiting this exceptionally dumb AU that I sort of forgot that I had no idea where I was going with this. I mentioned at some point that I think about this a lot, and I do, but I mostly think about it in the past, about the events that led up to this, but if I wrote that, I couldn't keep torturing Byakuya and that's honestly the only thing that's important here. Please focus your attention on hot grumpy, gender-fluid goth Rukia, and not on how horribly rambly this is.

"Hisana," said Byakuya, "I feel like you are not listening to the words I am saying to you."

"I am listening very carefully," Hisana replied as she traced the edges of her eyelids with liner. Hisana had a maid, a very good one, in fact, but she sometimes preferred applying her own make-up. Byakuya had noticed that she was especially wont to do so when she felt nervous. "'Do not get your expectations up, Hisana.' 'I am not entirely sure it is her, Hisana, the resemblance is passing at best.' 'She is likely not what you are expecting, Hisana.' Did I get it all?"

"I stand corrected. I feel like you are ignoring the words I am saying to you."

Hisana pressed the cap back onto her tube of make-up with a pop. "I know she's not the baby I left behind. I understand that she is a full grown adult with her own life that she may not want me in. I have had a long time to think about this, you know."

Byakuya squeezed his eyes closed. "You misunderstand me. I know you have mentally prepared for meeting your sister. "I am trying to tell you that it is not really possible for anyone to be prepared for…this person."

Hisana held out her hand and Byakuya helped her to her feet, pressing her cane into one of her hands, and offering his elbow for the other. "Thank you, dear," she said softly. And then, "You worry too much."

Byakuya had known from the beginning that there would be no dissuading her.

Seike was standing in the hallway, waiting for them. "Your…guests have arrived, my lord. I had them escorted to the room that overlooks the peony garden, and arranged for a tea setting."

Hisana's hand tightened on Byakuya's arm. He didn't know what to say. There was nothing else he could say. They headed out to the room that overlooked the peony garden.

On the bright side, Inuzuri Rukia and her dreadful beau had dressed up. Unfortunately, what they had dressed up as appeared to be a pair of comedy relief villains from a kabuki play.

Abarai had covered up his awful forehead tattoos, which was nice, except that he had covered them up with what appeared to be an equally awful tiger-striped bandana. The tiger stripes were presumably meant to coordinate with the painted tigers that danced and roared about the hem of his eye-searing red and gold haori. To be honest, the thing was rather exquisite, it just wasn't something that a person should put on their body and then wear to another person's house for tea. The tiger theme didn't stop there, no, why should it? Abarai had swapped out his work-day skull facepaint for a razor-sharp cat's-eye, his lids smudged with bright splashes of orange and white up to the brow-bone. It might have been a rather sultry look, if not for the fact that the young man's eyes were as wide as a child's, taking in everything as though he had never been in a house before.

Inuzuri, on the other hand, wore a very subtle and handsome ensemble. It was also utterly masculine. She was in gradations of black- black haori over black kimono paired with silver-on-black striped hakama. As Byakuya looked more carefully, (mostly trying not to burn his retinas by looking directly at Abarai), he noticed that there were ghostly red and white spider lilies haunting the hem of her jacket, and there were tiny skulls near the shoulders, instead of the usual family mon. So much for taste. She, too, had swapped out her workday death's-head makeup for sharp, simple slashes of eyeliner, red on the lower lid, black on the top. It made her look like she hadn't slept in a year. The ghastly spiked hairstyle of earlier had been brushed out into a big, soft waves, like the mane of a horse. It looked rather pretty like that, Byakuya thought absently, before realizing that these people had somehow destroyed his entire aesthetic sense in a matter of seconds.

"Thank you for inviting us to your home!" Abarai bellowed, Inuzuri joining in a beat late. Both of them dropped into a deep bow.

Hisana swallowed, her fingers digging into Byakuya's arm.

"Thank you for coming," Byakuya replied.

"We brought you a present!" Abarai continued at the same atrocious volume, thrusting an object at Byakuya.

Byakuya took it instinctually, and then belatedly looked down at the thing he held in his hands. It was… a plant cutting, freshly potted into a cheap little teacup, a commercially made thing with a little dancing rabbit stamped on the side. Byakuya stared at it, wracking his brain for potential symbolism.

"It's from our spider plant. At home," Inuzuri mumbled.

Byakuya glanced up at the girl. If this had been their first meeting, he would have just thought her surly and ill-mannered, but he had seen her earlier, at ease with herself and overflowing with cool bravado. Byakuya knew he was not, generally, very good at reading people in informal settings, but, for some reason, he found Inuzuri very obvious. She was nervous, and it was not his presence that was to blame for it.

"Ayasegawa says they're real good at cleaning up the air," Abarai announced. He paused. "You probably don't need that much in a nice place like this. Y'can never have too much oxygen, though, right?"

"Stop. Talking," Inuzuri hissed at him through her teeth.

Okay!" he agreed.

"It was very thoughtful, thank you," Hisana replied, her voice thick with emotion. "Shall we have some tea?"

"Yes, please," Abarai replied instantly, and Inuzuri gave a small nod of agreement.

Byakuya breathed out a small sigh of relief as a servant scurried in with the tea tray. Seike appeared at his elbow. "May I take your plant, Lord Byakuya?"

"Er, yes," Byakuya said, handing it over with great care, as though it were in danger of exploding.

"Put it in the library, please, if you will, Seike," Hisana said sweetly. "Find a sunny spot near my art table."

Byakuya noticed Inuzuri watching him like a hawk as he helped Hisana sit, but the girl said nothing. Once she was settled, Hisana began pouring tea. Byakuya could have done it, but it was a thing Hisana liked to do. "Pardon my poor manners," she said slowly. "Rukia- may I call you Rukia?"

"Everyone does," Inuzuri shrugged.

"You've grown up to be so strong and handsome," Hisana said, brushing at one eye absently. "I never imagined."

Byakuya's eyes slid over to take in his snuffling wife. She didn't even seem surprised that her sister was barely half a step removed from a yakuza tough.

"And Byakuya tells me that you and Mr. Abarai have been companions since Inuzuri? Oh, that's so wonderful!"

"You can call me Renji," Abarai replied, eying the tray of wagashi. "Can I have one of those? Ow, Rukia!"

"Oh, yes, of course!" Hisana flapped a hand. "Help yourself, that's what they're there for."

Abarai abruptly scooped a massive handful onto his plate, and then deposited two more onto Inuzuri's. Despite himself, Byakuya found this gesture strangely charming.

"If you don't mind my asking," Inuzuri said slowly, peeling the wrapper away from her wagasi approximately one molecule at a time, "what makes you think I might be your sister?"

"That is a very fair question," Hisana granted. "All the evidence is circumstantial so far."

Byakuya looked at Inuzuri, with her purple eyes and her heart-shaped face and her tiny hands and her improbably cute nose, and then he looked at his wife with her purple eyes and heart-shaped face and tiny hands and even more adorable nose. Then, he looked at Abarai, who appeared to be in the same state of deep disbelief as himself, and against his better judgement, they shared a moment of horrible solidarity.

"There are kidou used by the nobility to establish paternity," Hisana went on. "It's not exactly the same, since our relationship originated in the Living World, but Byakuya thinks it should give an indication. That is, if you would be willing to undergo such a thing. The clan elders would probably require such a thing, and perhaps it would give you peace of mind. I remember you, though. I know in my heart that you are my sister."

Inuzuri set the wagashi back down on her plate again, untasted. "Captain Kuchiki wouldn't answer me when I asked earlier. What does it mean, for us to be sisters?" Her eyes slid over to Byakuya, and he cursed the fact that someone with those eyes had been sent through the Squad Eleven School of Violent and Malicious Eye Contact. "What do your clan elders care about me?"

"There are a number of reasons why I… left you in Inuzuri," Hisana said, twisting her hands together. "But the primary one was so I could find some means of income. So I could take care of you. I always intended to come back for you, if I could. I… I checked in on you a few times, but at some point I guess…"

"I ran away?" Inuzuri broke in. "I ran away from so many places in Inuzuri that I can't even tell you which one you might have let me with."

"In any case," Hisana pushed on, "You seem to be doing very well for yourself, but if… if you wanted to, you could come live with us, here. The family is much smaller than it used to be, and there's lots of space…"

"By 'you', you mean plural 'you', right? Meaning 'us'?" Inuzuri gestured between herself and Abarai.

Hisana blinked. "Oh. Er…" She glanced at Byakuya, as if she simply had no idea how his various aunts would react, were her unwed sister to move into their ancestral seat with her emotional support meathead in tow.

"Captain Kuchiki probably forgot to mention it," Inuzuri announced, regaining some of her former brassiness, "but we're engaged. To be married."

Hisana's face immediately brightened. "Oh! Really? Oh, oh! Congratulations! That's so wonderful! Byakuya, how could you forget something like that?"

She said 'forget', but Byakuya knew quite well what she meant.

"It seemed like the matter was still in debate," he said vaguely. "I did not wish to be overhasty in reporting news of such gravity."

Abarai chewed slowly, his eyes darting between Inuzuri and Byakuya.

"Just because we talk about it casually doesn't mean we aren't serious about it," Inuzuri said, leaning forward slightly. "We might even go down to the Registration Office this week, if we can get an afternoon off. Just get it taken care of, you know?"

Abarai picked up his teacup and down the entire thing in one swallow.

"Oh, Rukia, no!" Hisana protested. "Don't you want a real wedding? If money is an object-"

"There are many other benefits to being a Kuchiki," Byakuya interrupted before his well-meaning wife made an offer that he would come to regret. "I would have to carefully review your service records, of course, but a transfer to the Sixth Division could likely be arranged. I am sure the Eleventh has its charms, but it does not offer much in the way of career advancement."

This was a bold ploy on Byakuya's part, one he had carefully considered beforehand. He certainly did not want these horrifying delinquents under his command, but if their presence in his extended family was to be inevitable, he certainly didn't need Zaraki's, as well. Byakuya had to admit that he was slightly intrigued by Aizen's poorly masked desperation to get Abarai back. They might be unpolished, the pair of them, but you didn't make a top seat in the Eleventh by being a poor soldier. It was possible that by keeping them close, he might be able to assert some influence, assuming they didn't just turn him down flat, and possibly curse him out for even suggesting it. At least he could say he had offered.

Instead, they momentarily froze, both of them.

Hisana frowned, her pretty forehead creasing. Byakuya had to admit, he was a bit confused as well.

Abarai recovered first. No, 'recovered' wasn't the right word. Reacted, perhaps. "Aah, ahh, that's very generous of you, Captain Kuchiki, but we're real happy at the Eleventh! Career advancement is nice 'n all, but it's not for everyone! I mean, we both got nothing but admiration for the Sixth, a real model for the whole Gotei, as they say, but a coupla goons like us-"

"What are you doing?!" Inuzuri hissed at him frantically. "Did you hear what he just said, you moron? For years, since the Academy-"

"You know what, Rukia?" Abarai cut her off. He wasn't exactly yelling, but his volume controls appeared to have been set too high. "I think you're really getting ahead of yourself, as always! Trying to cut yourself the best deal, worryin' about me! I think all this Inuzuri talk has you actin' like a street rat again."

Two bright spots appeared on Inuzuri's cheeks.

"Your long-lost sister went to all this trouble t'find you, maybe you should just take a little time to get to know her before worryin' about all this what's gonna happen stuff!" Abarai plunked his cup down on the table and jerked his chin at Byakuya. "Pardon my impertinence, Captain Kuchiki, but maybe you and me oughtta get out of here and give our girls some space to say the things they gotta say to each other."

Inuzuri's mouth opened and then closed again.

"Hisana…" Byakuya said slowly, placing his hand on her arm.

"I think that might be a good idea," Hisana said slowly.

"As you wish," he replied.

Abarai was glaring sternly at Inuzuri, who was attempting, unsuccessfully, to evade eye contact with him. Finally, she gave off a huffy little sigh. "Fine," she conceded. "But you better behave yourself. If this is an excuse to try to get Captain Kuchiki to fight you, I will never speak to you again, you hear me?"

"That's a big, fat lie. You couldn't go an hour without talking to me." He tapped one big finger on the edge of her plate. "Eat your wagashi, dummy. They're too good to waste."

The only problem with this plan, Byakuya decided as they left the ladies to their conversation, was that now he had to find something to do with Abarai. They should stay nearby, he felt, in case Hisana changed her mind and wished for his return. It was a shame though, because his brain had rather latched onto the idea that Abarai thought himself worthy of crossing blades with the head of the Kuchiki. The young man was large, but he had probably never faced-

"Captain Kuchiki," Abarai said breathlessly the moment he had shut the door behind them, "with all due respect, you cannot offer us spots at the Sixth."

Byakuya blinked. "And why not?"

"Because Rukia will make us go."

"Is there something you find objectionable about my division, Mr. Abarai?" Byakuya asked, frost curling around the edges of his words.

Abarai pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes for a moment and drew in a deep breath. "I am actually a huge fan of your division, sir, and that's the problem. If you actually did pull our service records, you'd probably notice that I applied there out of the Academy."

"My division takes very few new graduates," Byakuya explained. "And those that are accepted are nearly always from families with long histories of Gotei service. I have high standards for my officers, and I am not fond of taking risks. There is no shame in having received a rejection. You have-"

"You misunderstand, sir. I got an offer. I turned it down."

All the words flew out of Byakuya's head. "You what?"

"It was my dream to join the Sixth, sir, and I know about your hiring practices. I didn't really expect to get in. I just applied because… you know, nothing ventured an' all."

Byakuya was going to have a conversation with Shirogane the next time he managed to make it to the office. "So why did you reject our offer?"

Abarai appeared to be making a study of the rafters. "School, you see, wasn't really Rukia's strong point. She's an amazing shinigami, even Captain Zaraki thinks so, but that stuff doesn't always reflect in test scores, y'know? We weren't real confident she was gonna get into the Gotei at all, to be honest. She was good at kidou, though, and she took the full healing track senior year, so we were pretty optimistic that she'd get an offer from the Fourth, which, as it turned out, she did."

Byakuya raised one eyebrow, unable to see where this was going.

"We had some friends at school, really smart kids, Kira and Hinamori, who were gung-ho for the Fifth, so we applied there, too, and, well, we got in, all four of us." Abarai sighed. "Nothing against the Fourth, sir, but it's nobody's first choice, y'know? The Fifth seemed like such a good opportunity, but it made Rukia nervous, see? She felt like it must've been a mistake or something. She wouldn't have gone without me, she would have gone to the Fourth. So I… lied… and told her I didn't get into the Sixth, but it was fine, we would all go to the Fifth together."

Byakuya narrowed his eyes. "I fail to see what this has to do with present circumstances."

"Well, suffice it to say, sir, the Fifth didn't work out so good for us."

"I spoke with Captain Aizen, actually. He seemed pleased enough with your job performance. I got the distinct impression that he would rehire you on the spot, if you asked him."

Abarai's face went stiff. "I would go back to Inuzuri before I would work for that guy for another minute."

Byakuya found this a rather curious attitude and wanted to ask him more about it, but Abarai was already talking again. The fellow talked more than possibly anyone Byakuya had ever met, including the Eleventh's oddly beautiful Fifth Seat.

"I'm sure you think the Eleventh is barely controlled chaos, sir, and to be honest, you'd be mostly correct, but some people thrive on chaos, and Rukia is one of 'em. She's become the person I always knew she could be. She's fierce and brilliant and happy. She belongs there."

"Then why would she wish to transfer?"

"Because she thinks I don't. She still feels like she made me leave the FIfth, even though I hated it there, too. She always hints that maybe I ought to be training for the Vice-Captain's exam like Iba, so I can be ready to apply for Lieutenant Shirogane's spot when he retires, which I give roughly 7 to 10 years from now."

"Excuse me, what?" Byakuya echoed.

"And obviously, it would be rad as Hell to be your second, you're definitely the coolest captain and your swordsmanship is legendary, but I'm really just happy to be wherever Rukia is. I don't want her to feel like she needs to go changing things on my account."

Abarai appeared to finally be finished and Byakuya took a moment to process all of this. He was not sure anyone had ever unburdened themselves to him in such a fashion before, let alone someone he had met only a few hours ago. Nevertheless, there was something oddly endearing about Abarai. Perhaps it was his general air of utter earnesty, or perhaps it was the fact that Abarai's entire dilemma revolved around the happiness of a young woman who appeared to have even more in common with Byakuya's own wife than he had initially suspected.

"You do realize," Byakuya said, attempting to sound not entirely unsympathetic, "that Miss Inuzuri's life is about to change quite dramatically, regardless."

Abarai rubbed the back of his neck glumly. "I guess you're right."

What a strange pile of contradictions this young man was! But despite his ostentatious presentation and his utterly bewildering priorities, Byakuya recognized in Abarai a potential ally. "I promised Hisana that we would offer Miss Inuzuri a place with our family, but she is under no obligation to take it," Byakuya pointed out "We would never wish to disrupt your current felicitous situation."

Abarai looked torn. "I think she should take the opportunity to try and get to know her sister, though. She's never had a family before- well, neither have I- and I just think… well, it's important."

"Of course," Byakuya agreed. "But I myself have wondered if perhaps the pressure of a public acknowledgement might do more harm than good. That perhaps keeping things… low-profile… at least until things are settled…might be more sensible."

"Hmm," said Abarai.

"It is very rare, I think," Byakuya mused, "to find one's proper place in Soul Society and to properly appreciate it. So many are fixated on advancement, when contentment is already within their grasp."

Abarai's face screwed up and Byakuya realized he must be having a thought. "I'm not sure 'contentment' is the thing we got at the Eleventh. Rukia's challenging Kadokawa for Sixth Seat next week, which means I gotta fight the Hammerhead for Seventh, and that guy is a lot tougher than he looks, which is hard, because he already looks pretty tough."

Byakuya just stared at him.

"But you're right, we got a pretty good thing going. I really appreciate you saying that, actually. Ayasegawa said you might be- well, what I mean is, he was concerned that you might not think much of us, coming from where we do and I'm glad he was wrong."

Byakuya was beginning to get the feeling that he had made a horrible mistake.

Before he had much time to contemplate this, however, the shoji slid open, and Inuzuri stepped forth, supporting Hisana on her arm.

"Well, you gentlemen didn't get far!" Hisana laughed.

"We had a good discussion," Byakuya said, as if this explained anything.

"So did we," Hisana replied, sounding very pleased. Despite himself, Byakuya couldn't help feel his heart warm a bit at her happiness. "I've promised Rukia a tour of the armory. I don't suppose you also like old swords, eh, Mr- er, Renji?"

Abarai's face positively lit up. "I sure do!"

"Excellent! I hope you'll come, too, Byakuya, too. I'll surely embarrass myself if I pretend like I know anything about swords."

"Of course," Byakuya agreed, as though he was going to let these two go anywhere near his ancestral weaponry unsupervised. "Have you reached any accords?"

"We also had a good discussion," Hisana declared. "We have decided to proceed carefully."

"Ah," Byakuya replied as he and Abarai fell in step behind the women. "That seems very prudent."

"Oi, Renji," Inuzuri barked. "I might've invited Hisana and Byakuya over to ours this weekend. I also might've talked up your oden. You aren't gonna make me a liar outta me?"

"Please don't call me by my- you've what?" Byakuya sputtered.

"I can make oden, no problem!" Abarai declared.

"Thanks, babe. I want to invite Yumichika and Ikkaku over, too. Hisana wants to throw us one of those formal engagement party things, and I thought maybe they could represent your side of the family, but I thought it would be good for everyone to meet first."

"No," said Byakuya.

"Aw, yikes, that's a lot of oden. I might have to ask Hisagi if he can borrow one of his captains' big cookpots for us. Are all those people gonna fit in our place?"

"It'll be cozy, but we can make it work!" Inuzuri tipped her head backwards, presumably to look at Abarai, but Byakuya got the distinct impression she was actually looking at him. "After all, we're family!"