The day we met, frozen I held my breath. Right from the start, I knew that I'd found a home for my heart, beats fast. Colours and promises. How to be brave, how can I love when I'm afraid to fall. But watching you stand alone, all of my doubts suddenly goes away somehow. One step closer ... I have died everyday waiting for you, darling don't be afraid I have loved you for a thousand years, I'll love you for a thousand more
7th August 2020
After Alfie was allowed to stay with Morgana, her blood pressure had decreased significantly at her next vitals check and therefore was moved over to transitional care with Alfie. Morgana was put onto a bay with three other women, and as a covid precaution all curtains had to be drawn around the bed and partners had to wear masks. Except Merlin was exempt for the time being so he decided to buy a visor not that he could wear it yet seeing as it touched his nose and he couldn't have anything touching it. He'd probably need one for when he returned to work anyway.
"How's the nose working?" Morgana smirked.
"Very funny" Merlin scowled.
"Pregnancy nose has gone and I can finally drink coffee again" Morgana smirked. "Which is a fucking godsend, let me say that".
"How was the night?" Merlin asked.
"He woke up every hour for a feed, then I decided I couldn't sleep and just lay there staring at him, taking in his perfection".
"I'd have done the same if they let dad's stay".
"You'd snore and keep the whole ward up" Morgana chuckled.
"So just you, cause you're the King's ward?" Merlin raised his eyebrows.
"Not the dad jokes already" Morgana groaned. "And daughter, not ward. You were Gaius' ward".
"The dad jokes are the mad jokes" Merlin shrugged.
"Please stop" Morgana groaned. "I'm too tired for the dad jokes".
"Do you want me to hold him for a while, let you get some sleep?" Merlin asked.
"I'd rather keep an eye on him" Morgana said. "He'll need feeding soon anyway".
"Morgana, you look exhausted. It's okay, you need some sleep. It's been quite a difficult and traumatic birth".
"I don't need to sleep Merlin, I'm fine" Morgana snapped. She looked away from him and focused on Alfie.
"Okay. Should we watch Netflix?".
"No, we're not exposing Alfie to screens" Morgana scoffed. "They're bad for brain development. We're giving him the best start in life that he can have".
"Okay" Merlin reluctantly agreed. "We have given him the best start though".
"Not just the best start, but the best life we can give him".
"And we are doing that, Morgana".
"I know, I know" Morgana looked away from Merlin as she felt tears rising and choked back a sob.
"What's the matter love?" Merlin asked. She had been rather emotional lately, not that Merlin was surprised.
"Did I ever tell you about the day that my mum left?".
"You told me about when she left and all" Merlin frowned. "But not the actual day".
Morgana took a deep breath and adjusted Alfie in her arms slightly. "I was twelve. Just gotten back from boarding school for the summer a few days prior. Arthur was out with a girlfriend of his, Morgause was looking after me and dad was at work all day as usual. Mum had come back from work and she said that she was popping to the shops ... she. She never returned".
"Oh Morgana" Merlin gasped. "That's terrible, absolutely terrible".
"And, I know that I said the same things when we adopted Amhar but having Alfie now, it just brings it all back. Seeing him here, just how could a mother abandon their child?".
"Come here" Merlin said as he embraced her. "It was a shitty thing to do, that's for sure. You aren't your mother. Your mother and you are two completely different people".
"I know" Morgana wiped at her tears. "I know, but I still worry. Would I be a bad mother? What if I'm not cut out to be a mother? What if, like my own mum, I'm good when they're little but the second they're teenagers it all changes?".
"Morgana, that won't happen. You're already a wonderful mother to Amhar, and will be to this baby to. Amhar was so worried that you were in the hospital, even though I told him babies are born in hospital. You are cut out to be a mother. Not to mention, I've seen the way you are with teenagers. I haven't got a clue what happened last year with Harriet but I know that you did a bloody good job with helping her".
"I guess I did" Morgana sighed. "I mean, all of a sudden there's this little tiny human being who's relying on me for every bloody thing in his life. I mean, he's so trusting of everything when I could easily fuck up".
"It's terrifying" Merlin agreed as he kissed his wife's forehead. "We can do this. We've managed to do it with Amhar, many people do".
"I guess" Morgana shrugged.
"You should get some sleep" Merlin said. "I'll take the baby. There's plenty of midwives around, it'll be okay".
"Okay" Morgana reluctantly agreed. She passed Alfie to Merlin and reclined the bed to flat. Morgana slept for a few hours before she woke up. Luckily they didn't use all the colostrum she'd expressed while Alfie was in the NICU, so Merlin fed Alfie some of that when he was hungry as to not wake Morgana. Merlin also booked a newborn photoshoot for the twelfth, given that both Morgana and Alfie were doing rather well so would be released soon. Merlin had to leave at eight o'clock to go home, and Morgana was glad for the alone time with her son. She kept him in a "skin to skin top", which was rather like a baby wrap but had to be used when the mum was sitting down so that baby could be worn inside her.
Alfie began cluster feeding, staying attached to Morgana for up to three hours at a time. Not that she cared, just looking at the newborn and taking it all in. Though it hurt like hell, period and pregnancy boobs were nothing compared to this. She put him down after he fed at ten, ready to go to sleep herself after changing into her pyjamas. Morgana fell asleep for around ten minutes before Alfie was crying and woke up for another feed. He ended up spending the whole night cluster feeding, not wanting to be put down so by the time Merlin came in the morning Morgana was almost asleep, although he did calm at being held by his father.
11th August 2020
Merlin strutted into the main hospital building and took the stairs up to the head and neck unit. His gauze would finally be removed from his nose, and he could go back to wearing face masks again (hopefully). He still had the splint on his finger, and it wasn't much of a bother unless he was holding Alfie. Amhar was older so he wasn't as careful with him as he was with the newborn. He'd registered the birth and he made sure to bring the birth certificate with him to show Morgana. He had his gauze removed nice and early in the morning after registering the birth before he went to transitional care, this time carrying their Cybex CloudZ car seat. He was quickly buzzed in and made his way to Morgana's bed. She was dressed in a pair of leggings with a nursing tank, hair tied up in a messy bun. Alfie was laying down on the bed while Morgana went around tidying things up.
"Hey you" Merlin smiled.
"Ah, you're here" Morgana smiled. "Well, they're just about to do his newborn heel prick test, they're sorting out his red book".
"What's a red book?" Merlin asked with a frown.
"Amhar has one. It's basically a record of his health and how he grows, so he has it marked down at his weigh in's. That way they can see what percentile he's on growth wise".
"Ah, that make sense" Merlin replied. "Is this little man ready to go home?".
"Almost" Morgana smiled as she picked him up. "His physical and hearing tests have come back clear, we've already registered the birth".
"That's good, isn't it little man" Merlin cooed. Morgana fed Alfie while he had his heel prick test, he didn't cry during it although was a bit fussy afterwards. He was dressed in a grey woven romper with a matching hat, Morgana strapped him into his car seat while they waited for the discharge paperwork, which arrived soon before both Merlin and Morgana walked out carrying the car seat.
"Oof, this is heavy" Morgana remarked. "Especially given that it's literally called a cloud, it's more like the opposite".
"I'll carry it" Merlin decided. "I find it okay". They walked over to the car, and unlike fifteen months prior when they were struggling to put the car seat in the car, Merlin clicked the seat into the isofix base and twisted it around so that it was rear facing. Morgana sat next to Alfie in the backseat while Merlin drove home.
"Holy shit! I don't feel like I'm about to throw up anymore" Morgana remarked.
"Good" Merlin chuckled. "Oh this feels a lot like deja vu".
"It does" Morgana agreed. "When we were taking Amhar home from the hospital after the car crash. Only this time we actually know how to fit the car seat in the car".
"Fifteen months can change a lot" Merlin agreed.
"Instead of just having miscarried, we just had a baby together. Then there's the pandemic".
"That was extremely unexpected" Merlin agreed. "So I've told mum and dad that they can hold the baby but they have to wash their hands for forty seconds and wear face masks around the baby".
"Thank you Merlin" Morgana said. They had a colourful green mirror with a raccoon and ladybird attached to the headrest so that Alfie could see himself and not get too bored, yet somewhat stimulated with the colours and the branch it had going across it. They had a mirror attached to Amhar's side of the car too, just a regular old one so that he could see Alfie's reflection, though Amhar didn't have one in Morgana's car yet and Alfie's one wasn't colourful so they needed to change it. It was around one o'clock by the time they arrived home, driving extremely slowly on the A40 and taking care on every bump and pothole like the extremely cautious new parents they now were . Amhar had just finished his lunch with Hunith and Balinor, they washed their hands and put their masks on as Merlin and Morgana brought the car seat in.
"We're home" Morgana grinned as Merlin walked through to the living room. He plonked the car seat down on the sofa and Morgana unstrapped Alfie.
"Mummy!" Amhar beamed. "Who dat?".
"This is your baby brother Alfie" Morgana said as she sat down on the sofa. Amhar climbed up sat next to her, gently touching Alfie's hands.
"Daddy, dat my bruvver!" Amhar grinned. "Gwandma, gwandpa, I a big bruvver! I got pwesents for him!". Like when Amhar was born, they'd also gotten a baby blue jellycat bunny and a fawn instead of a bat, they'd decided on getting a different animal and a bunny in a different colour so that the boys wouldn't get confused—that and it didn't feel right to get another bat given the situation. They'd also bought a baby blanket, pale blue and was similar to Amhar's one (not that he used it anymore, having progressed to his Hey Duggee blanket with the baby blanket being retired to his memory box).
"Do you want to hold him?" Morgana asked.
Hunith nodded eagerly. "Yes please. I have washed my hands". Hunith sat next to Morgana and she passed the newborn to her mother-in-law and then her father-in-law held the baby. Things were nowhere near normal, yet in that moment in their living room, it was perfect. Morgana and Merlin took a photo of the baby's hand and wrote a message. "Alfie Mordred Emrys arrived on the 6th of August 2020, 5lb 13oz" and sent it to everyone. They hadn't really spoken to anyone while Morgana was in hospital, opting to bond with the baby instead. Now they were back home and in a new normality. Hunith and Balinor made sure that Merlin and Morgana had dinner before they left, allowing them to open the many gifts they'd gotten in private. Which was a lot—a very expensive breastfeeding kit from Morgause, chocolate for Amhar from Merlin and Morgana's friends, all sorts of adorable baby clothes, Ewan the sheep from Hunith and Balinor, a memory box and batch cooked meals from Mithian.
"Oh boy, we've got two kids" Merlin sighed. They weren't doing much, just lying in bed. Alfie lay on his stomach on Morgana's chest for his tummy time while she stared at him for the past few hours, Amhar was happy to go between playing, singing and watching the baby.
"Okay, I think I need an ice pack for my vagina" Morgana sighed. "Ouch, that hurts".
"I go get ice pack" Amhar insisted. Merlin took Amhar with him to the freezer, the almost two year old felt like he was helping and they didn't want him to feel as though he was pushed to one side away from the baby.
"Thank you" Morgana smiled as she sat on it. "So many of us are wearing nappies. Me, Amhar, Alfie. How do you feel about that".
"It is what it is" Merlin shrugged. "Amhar is huge".
"I know" Morgana agreed. "Amhar lie down here. Look at Amhar's feet compared to Alfie's".
"He's tiny" Merlin agreed.
"And mine too, they're big".
"Morgana, you're a size five".
"And your's are huge" Morgana continued. "The biggest of them all. I really am sleep deprived".
"At least one of the kids is sleeping through the night. How do you feel about sleeping through the night, Alfie? Yeah?". Alfie let out a wail and began rooting.
"Which tit did he suck on last?" Morgana asked.
"What I!" Merlin gasped and turned around. "We're meant to keep track?".
"Hang on I think I made notes, yup it's the right one".
"I can't believe we're actually having a conversation like this" Merlin muttered.
"Rockabye baby sucking my tit, then I'll make daddy clean up your shit" Morgana sang.
"Well, looks like we're back to normal" Merlin remarked.
"Indeed. The new normal. I really need some more bloody lanolin, I didn't know it was possible for my nipples to hurt so much".
Morgana remained in bed, wincing at the pain as she fed Alfie. She knew breastfeeding would be hard, she just didn't know how hard it would be. Merlin was putting Amhar to bed, Morgana had no plans except to stay in bed as much as possible, though also go on walks given it was meant to help recovery. She waited until merlin was finished putting Amhar to bed before they went to the main bathroom, put the angelcare bath support from Amhar in the tub and set Alfie in it.
"How the hell do we bathe a newborn" Morgana wondered as she put the tap on and checked the temperature.
"I think he lies there? And we clean him" Merlin shrugged.
"Can you get the thermometer please?" Morgana asked. Merlin grabbed it out the draw and put it in the water. "No higher than thirty-seven degrees".
"Soap?" Merlin asked.
"No, not yet. He's too little for products" Morgana said. They'd gotten used to top and tailing him which was easy enough, just holding him on their knee and and using cotton wool with warm water to clean him.
"He's uh ... slippery" Merlin said.
"That's enough water" Morgana declared as she turned the tap off.
"It barely reaches the bath support" Merlin commented.
"It's still enough. Okay, so we just swish water over him for a few minutes".
"Oh. That's ... simple".
"He's five days old" Morgana rolled her eyes. "I mean...he won't know. Though the umbilical stump has fallen off so in theory it should be easier".
"I guess" Merlin shrugged.
"Right, time to get out" Morgana declared as she grabbed a baby towel. "Oh wow, you're a slippery baby aren't you?" Morgana cooed as she gently lifted him up and cradled him in the towel. "Mind draining the bath while I go dress him?". Once Merlin had returned to the room, Alfie was fully dressed in the Next2Me while Morgana stood there with a box on the bed.
"What's that?" Merlin asked.
"His first clothes!" Morgana squealed. She held up a baby-grow with tiny blue elephants on it with a matching hat and a bodysuit that said "born in 2020".
"Oh my god!" Merlin gasped. "Is this his baby box?".
"It is" Morgana smiled. "Look, the bodysuit too".
"He's so small" Merlin pouted. "What else have we got to put in?".
"My admission wrist band" Morgana said as she cut it off and put it in there. "The straps to keep the CTG on. Aww, it's all so small".
"Are we reusing these clothes?" Merlin asked.
"Duh" Morgana rolled her eyes. "But, take a picture and write first clothes, coming home outfit and etcetera. I don't want us to forget and we are very sleep deprived, so probably will forget".
"What about the pregnancy book?".
"Got that too" Morgana smirked. She opened it up, photos of each week of pregnancy with "tales of the bump" written in gold on the cover. She wrote down the last of her pregnancy and birth story, putting a reminder in her phone to print out one of the photos from the hospital.
A/N: Yassss schools are finally back! That means that I probably won't have as much time to update as I'll be busy again and we're no longer in "full" lockdown like before