Welcome to the planet. Welcome to existence. Everyone's here. Everyone's here. Everybody's watching you now. Everybody waits for you now. What happens next? What happens next?
11th August 2020
Merlin and Morgana had only been home a day with a newborn and were already finding it hard. Alfie wanted to constantly be held or in the Ergobaby embrace, or close to his parents in some way. The first night when he was put in his Next2Me he was rather cranky so Morgana held her hand protectively over him which was the only thing that would stop him crying. Alongside that, even though the hospital had cleared Alfie's breathing as normal she was worried, keeping an eye on Alfie all night to make sure that he didn't stop breathing even though they were co-sleeping.
By the time morning came around, Amhar was happily entertaining himself in his room. They'd opted to switch from a sound baby monitor to a video one with multiple cameras so that they could easily keep an eye on both children.
"Amhar's awake!" Merlin gasped.
"How is it morning already" Morgana groaned as she hid her head under the pillow. Alfie started crying. "I fed him like an hour ago".
"You do baby, I'll do toddler" Merlin said as he left the room. Morgana groaned and pulled down her tank top to feed Alfie, he latched on extremely quickly and began hungrily guzzling. She put him down for a moment and he let out a cry in distress, as she began to put the carrier on and then buckle it up around the newborn. After double checking he was feeding again and content, Morgana headed down to the kitchen.
"We look terrible" Morgana remarked. She hadn't brushed her hair yet, not having the time to do so.
"Hashtag new parent life. Good grief, you look exactly like you did when you tried to take over Camelot".
"I said we look terrible Merlin, not just me" Morgana smirked.
Merlin shrugged as he passed Amhar his breakfast. "Amhar, you feed yourself okay?".
"Yeah" Amhar agreed as he sloppily picked up the cereal with his spoon. "What that?".
"What's what?" Morgana asked.
"That" Amhar said as he pointed at Morgana's boob. "What Alfie eating?".
"Mummy has milk in her boobies that Alfie drinks" Morgana explained. "All babies drink milk, but some have it in a bottle and not from their mummy".
"Me try?" Amhar asked.
"No, you're a big boy. Only babies drink from their mummies. You have a cow cup for big boys".
"Okay" Amhar shrugged and went back to chugging on the sippy cup.
"Coffee really is amazing isn't it?" Morgana remarked.
"It's good to have it back" Merlin agreed. "Any plans for today?".
"Hm ... not today I don't think. This heatwave has finally ended, maybe we can go for a walk later" Morgana said as she checked her phone.
"Okay. Then we have our photoshoot tomorrow, followed by the results day for a-levels".
"I mean imagine not having to sit your exams" Morgana smirked. "Lucky sods".
"Then again they probably are rather stressed".
"I really do feel for the kids" Morgana sighed. "They've been just left out, not a single thought about then. It's so shit".
"Mummy, naughty word" Amhar warned.
"Sorry" Morgana sarcastically retorted. "Mithian wants to zoom call, Morgause wants to meet up but she'd probably give the baby 'rona. You got any texts?".
"Gwaine wants to, Elyan has coronavirus so obviously we're video calling".
"Shit" Morgana inhaled sharply. "Elyan has coronavirus!".
"He does" Merlin nodded. "Suffering quite badly from it ... so we might see him, might not".
"Okay" Morgana sighed. "Bloody hell, we actually know someone that tested positive".
"It was inevitable, yet I didn't expect it. Gaius is wanting to see the baby, can't remember if I mentioned it but he's quarantining with Alice".
"The same Alice that delivered Alfie?" Morgana raised an eyebrow. Merlin nodded. "Cool!".
"Can't say I expected that reaction" Merlin chucked.
"Post birth and breastfeeding hormones" Morgana shrugged. "Also Sefa, Sarah and Elizabeth want to see him too".
"Looks like we have a lot of calls to do" Merlin grimaced. "Will is calling later too".
"Well, we better make ourselves look presentable. Actually, flip it. New parents stuff".
"Flip pancakes? Pwease mummy".
"When did you have pancakes?" Morgana asked.
"Gwandma" Amhar grinned. "With chocolate".
"We'll see, if you behave".
"Okay mummy". After breakfast Morgana and Amhar took their vitamins, Morgana had a pregnacare breastfeeding one while Amhar had Wellbaby, given that like most toddlers he was fussy and Merlin and Morgana decided to not give him formula as it was too expensive and they had to continue paying nursery through lockdown so once the formula shortage ended (due to panic buying!) they didn't bother buying any more. Morgana changed from her pyjamas to a nursing tank and postnatal leggings and putting her hair up in a messy bun, Merlin got changed himself and Amhar. They still looked absolutely shattered, yet did look slightly better than before as they sat down at the table to begin the video calls, opting to begin with Mithian.
"Aww let's see the baba then!" Mithian squealed.
"Where's Athena?" Morgana asked.
"Here she is!" Leon exclaimed in a baby voice. She was wearing a white dress and a hairband, grinning a gummy smile at the camera and giggling.
"Oh my gosh she's grown!" Morgana gasped. "She's gotten so big".
"Six months old now" Mithian smiled. "Well, let's see the baby!".
Morgana tilted the camera down, Alfie was asleep in her arms.
"He's so tiny!" Mithian gushed. "Aww he is adorable".
"We think so too" Merlin agreed. "I think we're a bit biased".
"He's gorgeous" Leon smiled. "How's Amhar been with him?".
"Hi!" Amhar squealed as he climbed onto his chair. "I a big bruvverr now".
"You are! Is it good looking after baby Alfie?" Mithian asked.
"Yeah" Amhar replied. "I da best big bwother, I got four now".
"Four brothers!" Mithian gasped.
"Yeah, Deee, Giddy, Leeee, Amma and Alfie" Amhar babbled.
After chatting for a little while longer, Alfie and Athena both needed feeding so they stopped the call.
"Amhar, we have something to tell you" Merlin said as he pulled Amhar onto his lap on the sofa.
"Yeah?" Amhar asked as he rested his head on Merlin's chest.
"Do you remember how Alfie used to be in mummy's tummy?" Morgana said.
"And now he eats from mummy's boobies" Amhar declared.
"Yes that's right" Morgana chuckled. "You weren't in mummy's tummy when you were a baby".
"Was I a egg?" Amhar asked.
"No sweetie".
"Did I fall out the sky?".
"No" Merlin grabbed the photo frame they had with a picture of Arthur, Gwen and Amhar. "This is you when you were a baby, and you weren't in mummy's tummy, you were in Gwen's tummy".
"Gwen tummy" Amhar said.
"And that's Arthur, mummy's brother" Morgana said. "Babies are made of mummy and daddy. And the mummy and daddy that made you are Arthur and Gwen".
"Yeah" Amhar said. "Arwur is Deeee and Leee and Giddy's daddy".
"Yeah, that's right" Morgana smiled.
"I have two mummy's and two daddy's" Amhar declared.
"In some way, yes" Merlin nodded. "But Arthur and Gwen, they aren't here anymore. They went to heaven".
"Why?" Amhar asked.
"Because they had an accident and it was very serious".
"Okay" Amhar shrugged. "Call Deeeee?".
"He's probably with his girlfriend" Merlin chuckled. "But we can give it a go". Dylan had forgotten to silence his phone and was still in bed when they FaceTimed him. Not that they were surprised, it was nearing lunchtime and Dylan wasn't working.
"Where you girl fwend?" Amhar asked.
"Amhar!" Merlin exclaimed at the toddler's question.
"She's on holiday with her mummy, daddy, brother and sister" Dylan chuckled.
"Why?" Amhar asked.
"Cause they wanted to go on holiday".
"Where they go?" Amhar asked.
"Ireland I think" Dylan replied. Morgana gasped, turned away and took a deep breath as she felt her eyes begin to water. Her mother was in Ireland and she couldn't go see her. Not with coronavirus and not with a newborn. Even though her world felt like it was ending in some way and beginning in another, for everyone else it kept on going.
"Morgana" Merlin asked. "What's the matter?".
"I think I'll go" Dylan said awkwardly. "It was good to see you and the baby".
"Byeeee" Amhar squealed as Merlin hung up.
"His girlfriend went to Ireland" Morgana sobbed. "My mum's there. I want to see her, I truly do. Though now we have a newborn and I can't risk him getting ill again, I just can't".
"Though you want to see your mum" Merlin completed.
"Exactly" Morgana nodded as Merlin wiped her tears. "It's like .. you know, there's a part of me that wants to go, wants to be able to see my mum. Though on the other hand, I can't. There's too much at stake, we have the baby, there's a pandemic, I mean it's so bloody hard to decide what to do!".
"This is things from my point of view" Merlin said as he wrapped his arm around her. "When your mother left she obviously caused a lot of anguish and pain. Then as you were only a kid you were .. unsure on how to deal with it though over time you managed to get used to it. Then during one of the most vulnerable times of your life, she all of a sudden comes back and you're back to being that little girl".
Morgana solemnly nodded. "I guess seeing as I was the little girl that wanted her mummy, and and now I've got a family of my own—you, Amhar, Alfie it just makes it that much harder...knowing that she did what she did".
"Of course it would" Merlin agreed. "That and I think that you've made the right decision for you. Never mind about your mother, while you do still care you've".
"Moved on" Morgana completed. "Getting on with my own life".
After that they ate lunch and then called the twins. Elaine and her partner Avgravaine (who also happened to be Arthur's uncle) had moved up to Scotland from Birmingham just after lockdown had ended and the twins had finished their school year. They were in year 11 so it was vital for them to not miss the year, although they technically could have moved earlier. This meant that all of Amhar's contact with them would be over FaceTime for the foreseeable future. After the call it was Amhar's nap time, Merlin and Morgana had a much needed nap too for almost an hour before Amhar woke again and they were back onto the calls—Sefa, Elizabeth and Sarah had a joint one together so that the four friends could catch up and also 'meet' Alfie. Early bedtimes were most certainly a thing in the Emrys household, so after Morgana's friends caught up with her they called Gaius then had their dinner. Morgause had yet to meet the baby, yet after she'd done she could wait.
12th August 2020
The day of the photoshoot had rolled around. With Morgana dressed in a cotton striped nursing and maternity dress, Merlin in nice blue button up shirt and Amhar wore a combo of baby blue dungarees with a matching white t-shirt, the same as Alfie.
"How do we leave the house with two kids?" Merlin wondered.
"Hopefully Alfie won't hate the car" Morgana grimaced. "I'll feed him then we can head off". After Alfie was fed, with two car seats in the car and Alfie's pram in the boot, they drove off to the photo studio. Morgana was adamant on abiding by the half an hour car seat rule for newborns, given that oxygen levels were shown to drop if an infant was in their car seat for more than half an hour while a newborn, yet this did increase to two hours when the baby was over four weeks. They began by taking some of Morgana holding Alfie, followed by a couple of Merlin, Morgana and Alfie together. Merlin held Alfie and smiled at him, Morgana standing behind him with one hand cradling Alfie's head, the other on Merlin's shoulder then did poses with Amhar. Amhar and Alfie looked adorable together in their pictures, Alfie remained asleep for the majority of it and then was hungry so had a few shots while he was fed before they went home.
Amhar was sleeping and transferred over to his bed and Morgana took the baby to the room and lay in bed with him in her arms.
"You okay?" Merlin asked as he poked his head around the door.
Morgana nodded. "My tit is about to explode so he definitely needs feeding. Could you get me some water please?".
"Of course" Merlin replied as he grabbed some water and snacks before returning to the bedroom.
"How are you finding it?" Morgana asked.
"It's been tiring, that's for sure" Merlin sighed. "Very tiring. Like, I didn't know that this level of tiredness existed" Morgana chuckled. "Then again, at the same time, I'm the happiest I've ever been".
"I'm glad" Morgana smiled.
"How are you? Are you okay?".
"I'm struggling a bit, I guess. Like I said, suddenly we're responsible for this tiny human being and they put so much trust in you. Like Amhar at the park when he wants to hold your hand, he just generally trusts you so much to be able to protect him, and. That's hard".
"I'll take him for a bit" Merlin said as he kissed Morgana's forehead. "Get some rest".
"No, I'm not tired" Morgana insisted. "Besides I'm still feeding him".
Merlin sat next to Morgana in the bed leaning against the headboard. "You're finding it difficult, aren't you?".
Morgana nodded as tears began to roll down her face. "I've always wanted to be a mother. Yet it's hard, so hard. Then there's all these restrictions, the fact that my mum's alive, the feud with morgause".
"Having a newborn is hard at the best of times" Merlin agreed. "Let alone the worst. I think it's okay to accept that these are the worst times".
"I mean, we're not doing the bad habits we used to—drinking, self harming. I should be over the moon, overjoyed. All I feel is sad and terrified of everything, he's only a few days old for fuck's sake!".
"Remember, this time last year—fifteen months ago, you though you wouldn't survive. I know you've been in that position many times".
"And the point is?" Morgana arched an eyebrow.
"That you think that you might not be able to survive things and that it'll be hard, but you'll always manage to get through it. You've got to keep fighting".
"I suppose so. This time, at least we have Alfie".
"And each other" Merlin added. "Do you believe in soulmates?".
"I'm literally talking to my soulmate right now" Morgana grinned. "I loved you, but it didn't work out. We died, fell in love again and that didn't work out. Arthur and Gwen died, we fell in love again. Now look at us".
"A family of four" Merlin smiled.
"I remember that when we first met and remembered all over again ... the end of 2017".
"We met in September 2017 and everything was great until December, the Christmas party if I remember correctly?".
"That's it" Morgana confirmed. "That was when my memories returned and as you know everything went ... splendidly".
"It's like it was written in the stars" Merlin commented. "Though you asked me if you thought we'd met before because of the dreams".
"I remember that when I first remembered all over again, Arthur and I had a conversation. Not at the party, that's when he realised and said that's why they didn't want us to be together. I went home and sulked then went to Scotland with my friends".
"I remembered the morning after when Freya tried to seduce me!" Merlin cringed at the memory. "Bloody hell, I can't believe she tried that!".
"Well Alvarr and I were going to have a child together" Morgana shrugged. "Though Arthur said that memories only return when you meet the one".
"It's like he knew we were soulmates!" Merlin's eyes bulged.
"I think so" Morgana agreed with a small smile.
13th August 2020
"This is the life" Morgana sarcastically remarked. It was the middle of the night, she was leant on her side feeding Alfie while Merlin changed his nappy. Alfie seemed to hate his next2me, so Morgana ended up bringing Alfie in bed most nights and co-slept with him, using the crib as a bed guard and storage area for nappies, cotton wool and bottled water. While they did have a lot of water wipes, they were adamant on using nothing but water and cotton wool for the first six weeks.
"Oh my god!" Merlin groaned and scrunched his nose up. "Bloody hell Alfie! How'd you make that smell?".
"It's better than Amhar's nappies" Morgana shrugged and checked the time. Nearly one o'clock. "I have never been so tired in my entire life".
"Me neither" Merlin agreed as he binned the dirty nappy.
"It's worrying as hell, my tit hurts like hell, but this is amazing".
"Aww, he's milk drunk" Merlin cooed as he leant over Morgana and looked at Alfie.
"How did something so perfect come out of my vagina" Morgana said.
"And my penis in some way" Merlin added. "He's so small".
"I know" Morgana agreed. "Look at him! This is us, y'know? This is our family. While things are bloody hard, literally" Morgana pointed at her swollen nipple. "It's also great".
"I don't even care about being sleep deprived anymore. This is just amazing".