I didn't know what you were going through. I thought that you were fine, why did you have to hide? I didn't wanna let you down, but the truth is out. It's tearing me apart, not listening to my heart. I really had to go, and I would never stop you. Even though we've changed? Nothing had to change, you can find me in the space between. Where two worlds come to meet, I'll never be out of reach. Cause you're a part of me so you can find me in the space between. You'll never be alone, no matter where you go we can meet in the space between
21st September 2020
"Okay, so there's my face masks in a pile, I have my phone and phone charger. Laptop with charger too".
"Don't forget your lunch!" Morgana added.
"How could I forget" Merlin chuckled. "What did you make?".
"Pasta" Morgana replied. "That way you don't have to use the staffroom that much and all. You can eat it cold, like the kids".
"Thank you" Merlin smiled. "Any plans for today?".
"Let's see, Amhar's back at nursery, so no. I have my health visitor coming round to weigh him and check in with me seeing as they wanted that after my six week postnatal check, he also has his vaccines".
"Call if you need anything" Merlin offered.
"We'll be fine, Merlin" Morgana snapped. "What time is Amhar being picked up at?".
"I'm picking him up after work".
"Okay cool".
"You should probably go for a walk or something, it'd be good to get out the house".
"Well it wouldn't be good for a newborn to get covid would it?" Morgana retorted. "Airborne virus and all. Especially with you back at work and Amhar at nursery".
"I know, I know" Merlin sighed. "I just think that it'd be good for you to ... well, get back to yourself".
"What's that supposed to mean?" Morgana frowned. "I mean, fourth trimester and all. Baby wearing, he wants to hear my heartbeat and all. Even I can't sleep without the white noise machine on anymore! Thank God we bought a white noise machine or I would've murdered that bloody Ewan sheep though at least Amhar likes it".
"I suppose" Merlin shrugged. "Well, are you sure you'll be okay".
"Merlin, stop worrying, I am fine" Morgana huffed. "Well, baby blues and all. But really, I am".
"I know, it's hard" Merlin smiled sympathetically.
"Yeah, like you've shoved a baby out your vagina" Morgana scoffed.
"What's vagina?" Amhar asked.
"Whoops" Morgana laughed.
"Nothing that concerns you dear" Merlin said as he picked Amhar up. "Okay, we shall see you just before five I hope". Merlin kissed Morgana and then Alfie, Amhar having his goodbye hug ritual before they left. The family had enjoyed lots of cuddles during the paternity leave, while Amhar was still at nursery three days a week during the time while Merlin and Morgana had lots of cuddles with each other and the baby. Amhar joined in too when he was home, being extremely careful and gentle with his brother. Morgana sighed and looked at Alfie. He was rather happy given her was being held but still fussy nonetheless.
"What do we do today, hm?" Morgana said. "I know, let's have some stimulation! Yeah?". Morgana cleared the floor of Amhar's toys and put down his new baby gym, putting Alfie on his tummy and laying opposite on her stomach too. It was a teletubbies themed one with a gel of some sort and moving teletubbies inside, that they bought from Alton Towers. "This is fun, isn't it?". Alfie gave her a look that clearly said "why are we doing this?".
"This makes mummy's boobies hurt" Morgana muttered as she rolled onto her back. "This is fun, yeah?". Alfie gurgled happily. "Mummy's bored of this, what should we do now?". It was still rather early, way too early for Alfie's first nap, barely eight o'clock. She could probably get over to eight thirty before getting him down for a nap. She lay down too but didn't sleep, watching Alfie and going on her phone.
'Is maternity leave supposed to be this boring [laughing emoji]' she texted Mithian.
'Seems that way [grimacing emoji] you up to much?'
'Tummy time galore [rolling eyes emoji] Alfie's okay with it, makes my boobs ache'.
'Ah yes, good old tummy time. It'd be good to see you, we haven't seen each other in ages!'
'Maybe later...' Morgana replied. 'Have the health visitor coming round today'
'Good luck with that. Maybe another time?'
'Yeah sure'
Morgana hadn't expected to fall asleep, only planning to rest her eyes for a few minutes. When she opened them, Alfie was crying lightly and Morgana put him straight in the sling and put him on the boob with a sigh and wince at the pain.
"You know you could try to be a bit nice to mummy" Morgana said. "Yeah? Maybe sleep a little bit? And not make it hurt when you latch on?". Alfie grunted and Morgana made her bed before going down and putting the kettle on for a cup of tea and biscuits. She made the cup and set it on the table with her biscuits, checking the time. 9:30. She'd made it through the morning! Almost, anyway. The health visitor would arrive at ten, she'd try to put Alfie down for a nap and get on with lunch. While the first health visitor Morgana had met was useful on breastfeeding advice and not much else, this one was rather helpful. She could tell that Morgana was struggling and advised her to form a bubble with someone else, and likely would advise her to see the GP depending on how she was at the next review at three months old.
Morgana was drinking her cold tea with a plate of biscuits when Merlin came home at 4:25pm. Usually Merlin would stay behind at work, though with coronavirus he made sure to spend as little time as possible there, leaving as soon as he could.
"Honey, I'm home!" He called as he usually did.
"Okay cool, is your mask on?" Morgana checked.
"Yeah .. why?" Merlin raised an eyebrow.
"Right, get naked" Morgana said.
"Oh Ho Ho" Merlin winked. "Amhar's still awake though?".
"Decant into this bag and wipe your shoes down" Morgana instructed. "Then go upstairs and have a nice hot shower".
"Okay, sure" Merlin shrugged.
"Don't forget to brush your teeth!" Morgana added. Given that Merlin tended to be rather quick at showering, they still ate at 5:00, as usual, even with everything being rather worrying.
"Oh my god!" Morgana groaned. "Why is he crying! Do you think he could have corona?".
"I doubt it" Merlin said as he measured the baby's temperature. "He's 37.1° so that's perfectly normal".
"Dummy!" Amhar suggested.
"You know what, he could be comfort sucking" Morgana said. "Okay, let's sterilise a dummy and see if it works It has to be the Tommee Tippee breast like soother in 0-6 months or the 0-2 month old regular one, he can't have cheap shit Or anything for baby's over six months old we don't want him choking on his dummy".
"Peace at last" Merlin muttered. The dummy did work, Alfie was much more content after that and while he did want to be held a lot as most babies, he was less grizzly.
"We should write our wills too" Morgana said after Amhar was in bed.
"Morgana" Merlin interrupted.
"No, Merlin" Morgana silenced him. "We're in a global pandemic. We could die at any minute. I was thinking we'd leave the kids and house to your parents".
"Definitely" Merlin agreed. "I mean, I dunno about you but I have considered Morgause. Then with the latest things with her, well".
"I don't want her to raise the kids" Morgana rolled her eyes. "No offence to her. Too much has happened".
"So we'd leave the kids to my mum and dad" Merlin said as he wrote it down. "What else?".
"I'd give Morgause £1000, that's about it. If I haven't sold the flat then ideally again, it'd go to your parents so that they could maybe pass it down to the kids. What about you?".
"Maybe sort it through with a solicitors the weekend?".
"Okay" Morgana shrugged.
23rd September 2020
"Hey! How are you?" Mithian sounded cheerful as usual as she blabbed away on the phone. Morgana was not in the mood for cheerful, even though Alfie was sleeping slightly better as of late, getting three hours of unbroken sleep.
"I'm drinking my coffee so I feel better than I did while pregnant" Morgana muttered. "Though I still hate mornings".
"I know you do" Mithian chuckled. "It's been ages! Fancy meeting up for a walk later?".
"Amhar's at nursery until one" Morgana said. "Then I have to pick him up. So walk in the morning sounds good?".
"Why don't we bubble up" Mithian suggested. "Unless you already have one? I presumed that you'd be with Morgause".
"Jesus no" Morgana laughed. "Barely hear from her these days. Bubbling sounds good, I guess that means we don't have to social distance?".
"I don't think so. BoJo hadn't made the rules that clear" Mithian chuckled. "Or we could just agree to meet up with only each other and not have to social distance?".
"That works" Morgana shrugged. "Any particular place?".
"Story time at the library perhaps?" Mithian suggested.
"No!" Morgana almost yelled down the phone. "No. I'd prefer outside or at home".
"Okay, let's go for a walk. Ten at Vauxhall fields sounds good?".
"Sure does. Lunch?".
"I'm cooking" Mithian decided. "Maybe watch a movie on Netflix or Disney+ once the kids are napping?".
"You'll have to come back to mine then, its easier for Amhar to nap".
"Meet you at the field then walk back to your's?".
"See you there!". Morgana took a quick shower with Alfie in full view of her in the rocker (which surprisingly he didn't cry during) and put her makeup on before dressing herself and Alfie accordingly for the weather (a babygrow with body-suit under and the bugaboo newborn inlay) and stepped out pushing the pram. Mithian was stood in the field with her pram, Athena now sitting up in the seat instead of the carrycot and chewing on the bumper bar.
"Aww, look at him!" Mithian cooed into the pram. "So little!".
"She's grown so much!" Morgana said. "My gosh, it's been ages".
"It sure has" Mithian agreed. "How is he?".
"He has been very cuddly, bad at sleeping though very cuddly. Doesn't like to be put down and always has to be held".
"They're so tiny but like dictators" Mithian agreed. "This little madam has started solids and teething so is putting absolutely everything in her mouth". Athena grinned showing off where her tooth was beginning to cut through as she chewed on her Sophie la giraffe.
"I know. We're sticking to outdoor visits for now seeing as he hasn't had his vaccines yet" Morgana said. "Well, I had the flu jab and whooping cough jab while pregnant and he gets breastfeeding immunity but still. Let's go for our walk".
"How's being a mama of two suiting you?".
"It's great" Morgana shrugged.
"No, but really. How are you? Are you okay?".
Morgana sighed and slowed to a stop. "It's hard, it's so fucking difficult. I mean, everyone paints parenting as the most wonderful thing ever and don't get me wrong, I love Alfie and Amhar but no one said how hard it would be".
"I think the thing is, that none of us expected to have to be parenting during a global pandemic" Mithian said as she put a hand on Morgana's shoulder. "It is hard having a baby. Especially since now we're isolated and all, I mean it's hard. Did you speak to the health visitor?".
"Told me to speak to the GP if things don't improve by three months" Morgana rolled her eyes. "I mean it's tough, but isn't that life?".
"If you're struggling then you're struggling. It's nothing to be afraid off".
"I guess not" Morgana sighed. "But I'm fine".
"Sure, and I'm pregnant again" Mithian rolled her eyes.
"Really!" Morgana gasped.
"No, no" Mithian chuckled. "This little madam is too much work. Think we can go through fields with the pram?".
"Should be easy" Morgana said. "I'll just check Alfie's temperature. I got this bugaboo newborn inlay that's supposed to regulate the baby's temp but I still need to make sure".
"Okay" Mithian said as Morgana stopped to check Alfie then carried on with their walk. They had vegetable fajita's for lunch at Mithian's before she began to get Athena down for a nap and Morgana went to Camelot to get Amhar.
"How was nursery today?" Morgana asked as she walked back to the car. She had Alfie in the car seat with a rain cover on top that dangled dangerously from her arm, though she wasn't supposed to use the rain cover while driving, she was tempted to. At two, Amhar was advised not to wear a mask due to suffocation risk or choking hazard, though she didn't want him to pass germs onto the baby.
"It good!" Amhar exclaimed. "I made picture for mummy and daddy".
"That's nice" Morgana smiled. "And the baby?".
"No" Amhar said with a shake of his head. "Not baby". Morgana put Amhar in his car seat to contain him while she figured out what to do with the baby. On one hand, they lived together so he was bound to get germs if Amhar had them, though on the other hand .. no, the risk was too great. She settled with having all the windows in the car open and Alfie's car seat hood all the way down to protect him, while Amhar opted to lean out the window with his tongue out.
"Are you being a puppy" Morgana chuckled.
"Yeah! Woof" Amhar giggled before he coughed. Oh shit. He couldn't have it, could he? The second Morgana got home she put Amhar in the bathtub kept Alfie in his cot. Alfie cried but she needed to keep him away from Amhar, she couldn't have Alfie getting coronavirus. She just couldn't. Mithian came round soon and bathed Amhar while morgana sat on the bed with Athena and Alfie.
"He is so bad at sleeping" Morgana chuckled as Mithian came back into the bedroom.
"Amhar is out. He keeps asking to go on the potty" Mithian said. "Might be time to start considering potty training?".
"We've been putting him on during nappy changes and all for now. Though this little guy keeps us so sleep deprived, it's hard not to. Even though we're co-sleeping with his Next2Me, he still doesn't sleep!".
"Do you have a sleepyhead or anything like that?" Mithian asked as she sat on the bed. "Then instead of going into the Next2Me he could come into bed?".
"We have been safely co-sleeping for the past few nights. I mean, it feels safe and all, I do the C shaped position but I don't know. What if I accidentally roll onto him or something?".
"You won't" Mithian insisted. "Didnt Amhar have a sleepyhead?".
"He did" Morgana confirmed. "Lullaby trust doesn't advise them anymore though. I'm tempted to move Merlin onto the sofa so we can have Alfie in bed".
"I'm sure co-sleeping with dad in the bed is safe" Mithian frowned.
"I know that" Morgana snapped. "Cause he's working with kids all day and all. He could have corona and not know about it. I can't take that risk, I can't".
"Morgana, look" Mithian took Morgana's hands in hers. "Coronavirus has a very low transmissible rate amongst children. They are socially distancing from the kids, have ventilation in the classroom and masks. It's safe".
"It might be safe for them but that doesn't mean it's safe for Alfie!" Morgana cried. "I can't have him getting it, that'd be the end of the world".
"Alfie will be okay" Mithian reassured her. "In under five's it's extremely rare, extremely".
"I know" Morgana hiccuped. "I know. I just can't deal with going back to the hospital with him, having him get sick. I just can't".
"I know" Mithian said. "And he won't. You're being careful. Maybe talk to Merlin about it?".
"The thing is though, Mithian. We've had so much happen and whatnot. This is just a virus, so why am I still worried about it?".
"Well, there's no vaccine as of yet" Mithian sighed. "It's new, we don't know anything about it. I think you ought to talk to Merlin about it".
"He wouldn't understand" Morgana wailed. "I don't know how to do this anymore".
"I'm here, okay?" Mithian squeezed her hand. "We can get through this".
"Okay" Morgana reluctantly agreed. Why are you being so nice to me? I was a complete bitch to you".
"Morgana, we've had this conversation many times. I've forgiven you. That, and I know what it's like to be a new mum in the middle of pandemic. It's fucking hard". Mithian hugged her and stayed with Morgana until after Merlin returned home, brushed his teeth and showered. Amhar was happy to play with Athena given that she didn't take his mother's attention away from him, while Morgana didn't put Alfie down at all.
"I mean, he coughed. So he could have it".
"It was only once wasn't it?".
"Yeah" Morgana nodded. "But it's still a cough".
"Look, the symptoms of coronavirus are a new continuous cough. Amhar coughed once, it's not continuous".
"I know, I know" Morgana said. "Then again he could be asymptomatic. Nurseries have all sorts of bugs".
"And they'd tell you if there was someone in the nursery who had suspected, no one has".
"Mithian? What're you doing here" Merlin frowned as he walked into the living room. Morgana said about how they'd decided to bubble up as she sat on the floor with the kids. Alfie was having his tummy time on the floor with Amhar and Athena 'playing' together with Amhar loving being the 'big brother'.
"I'm worried about Morgana" Mithian whispered. "I mean, she used to be so .. full of life. And now".
"At first I was wondering if it was baby blues, though she's having me shower as soon as I get home and all".
"I know what it's like to be worried about this all but ... Morgana's changed. I know she's had a baby and is sleep deprived so that's bound to change things, but she keeps saying about how Alfie may end up in hospital".
"He wasn't breathing at birth and had to go to the NICU, so I understand where it's coming from. She doesn't like leaving the house much and all".
"Maybe baby swimming could help?" Mithian suggested. "Good way to meet other mums and all".
"Maybe" Merlin shrugged. "I'm not sure. I think health visitor mentioned the GP too".
"I was thinking the same thing" Mithian agreed. "I mean, I don't want to think it, but ... maybe postpartum depression?".
"I was thinking the same thing" Merlin echoed.
I had my vaccine recently, so not been the best as my arm is sore but hopefully that means I'll get lots of writing done at the weekend!