Trigger warning - references to self harm, alcoholism and miscarriage
Close my eyes not to hear what the world's trying to tell me. 'Cause they don't understand, so I won't let them get me. When the waves try to push me right under, and the tide only keeps getting stronger, and my heart starts to beat even harder, it's not gonna stop me I'll swim even farther. When all of my fears try to find me, I'll leave them so far back behind me. They won't hold me back any longer, I won't be afraid watch me breathe underwater
4th November 2020
The lockdown ended soon and Merlin was back at work, as was Amhar with nursery. While schools in Wales apparently remained closed, Camelot Grammar School and Day Nursery were in England so remained open, even with their impending lockdown. The clocks had gone back and the days were now shorter (in terms of daylight anyway), it was cold seeing as it was now November, there had been storms predicted and happening around the UK. At least going for a walk with someone else was allowed, and under elevens were not included in the count so the kids could go along too. As usual for Wednesdays, Morgana would leave the house at ten to meet Mithian. They tended to meet around the Chippenham playing fields or the Vauxhall field and walk around with the babies. They'd sometimes get a takeaway for lunch (weather permitting) before they went their separate ways for the rest of the day. Morgana walked out the door and zipped her coat around Alfie, given that she decided to wear him in the ergo as opposed to him going in the pram given that he didn't want to be put down.
"Hello dear". Morgana turned around and saw that it was her neighbour, Doris. Doris was a lovely elderly lady who often talked to Morgana and Merlin and cooed over Amhar. After Arthur and Gwen's death, she'd been rather helpful with Amhar given that she had five kids so knew quite a lot. Given that they'd been both shielding, they hadn't seen each other much. Doris had then caught coronavirus and was admitted to hospital with it, though luckily pulled through and stayed with one of her children while she recovered before heading back to her own house.
"Oh, hiya" Morgana smiled. "How you doing? It's been ages".
"Well, had a bit of a battle but now back to normal and all" she chuckled. "Aww, you had the baby!".
"Yeah" Morgana grinned. "He's almost three months old which is crazy, still pretty sleep deprived but you know, it's been hard".
"The first months are always the hardest" Doris smiled sympathetically. "Especially during these strange times".
"Yeah" Morgana agreed. "It was good to see you".
"You too dear. Take care". Morgana smiled and opened the gate, walking to the Chippenham park.
"Took your time" Mithian snorted as she stood up. "Oh good, you remembered no prams".
"We agreed on no prams?" Morgana frowned.
"Yeah.." Mithian drawled. "We agreed to try to go up one of the hills today and there's no way we can take the pram up".
Morgana blinked. "Ah".
"You alright?" Mithian asked.
"Just tired" Morgana shrugged. "I'm so glad I put the baby bag in backpack mode, and I wore my trek trousers".
"Thought so" Mithian smirked. "Though the coat might be a tad too fancy".
"It's a baby wearing coat!" Morgana protested. "I mean, it's bloody good. The embrace doesn't let you have a winter cover unlike your one so".
"Fair enough. Well let's head off".
"Man, I'm out of breath" Morgana huffed as they began going up a hill.
"Me too" Mithian agreed. "Okay, no hills. We'll just ... walk".
"Yeah" Morgana sighed as she went on ahead. Wind blew through her hair, the coldness making her nose and cheeks redden significantly. The wind in her face did make her eyes water slightly. Deep down, she knew it wasn't just the wind though.
"Any plans for tomorrow?" Mithian asked. "Bonfire night and all".
"Merlin said he's going to get some fireworks after work and some sparklers. You?".
"Yeah, probably the same" she said as she caught up. "You alright?".
"I don't feel comfortable with Merlin having fireworks in the house" Morgana admitted. Mithian's expression clearly said 'are you kidding me right now?' "What?" Morgana frowned. "The house could catch fire and set off all the fireworks!".
"I highly doubt that would ever happen" Mithian remarked.
"Let's not forget that I was killed by a sword forged in a dragons breath" Morgana scoffed.
"Over a thousand years ago" Mithian raised an eyebrow.
"Meh" Morgana shrugged. "It's still a firework, in the house with two children".
"We've got some too" Mithian said. "I think it'll be rather nice, especially since it's been a shitty ass year".
"Even though your daughter was born?" Morgana raised an eyebrow.
"Morgana I don't mean it like that" Mithian sighed and closed her eyes. "So many people have died this year, it's terrible. Then at the same time it's been the best year of my life".
"Me too" Morgana agreed. "I suppose finding out my mother is alive at thirty-six weeks pregnant, is uh pretty hard".
"Your mum's alive!" Mithian's eyes widened. "I mean, we already knew Morgause is alive".
"Morgause isn't my mother!" Morgana laughed. "How do you think me and Arthur were siblings! She's my half-sister, but given that she's eighteen years older than me we tend to joke about how she's my mum".
"Ah, that kind of makes sense" Mithian blinked. "Athena's having a sleep regression so a bit deprived. So what happened?".
"Fourteen years ago, I was around twelve ish. I'm sure as you can imagine, Morgause was an absolute little shit as a teenager".
"She still is" Mithian muttered under her breath.
"Well, my mother—Vivienne—did the whole goes to shop to buy some bread and fucks off the face of the earth".
"Oh Morgana" Mithian said as she put her hand on the younger woman's shoulder.
"Anyway, turns out she's a druggie, Arthur and Morgause both knew this and pretty much forced me to quit smoking and all after Morgause's father died. Turns out, mother is alive, had a heart attack and is living in Dublin".
"Woah!" Mithian gasped. "Do you think .. you'll go see her?".
"I could've gone" Morgana sighed. "Then obviously I was heavily pregnant with Alfie. I would've had to get a medical certificate to fly, most airlines wouldn't let me fly except RyanAir. I swear I'm not posh, but".
"Giving birth on a Ryanair flight does not sound fun" Mithian grimaced.
"Just as well I gave birth in hospital anyway" Morgana sighed. "Alfie was born .. not breathing, had to be taken to the NICU overnight. But he pulled through".
"That's good" Mithian smiled. "Merlin mentioned it. No wonder you're so worried about him getting covid".
Morgana scowled. "So you're not worried about Athena getting coronavirus?".
"I am, of course I am. It's just that, in children as I'm sure you know the rates are so low".
"I know" Morgana sighed. "It would've been Gwen's 37th birthday today".
"Well fuck I'm old aren't I?" Mithian muttered.
"Our wedding was on Arthur's thirty-eighth birthday".
"That's so sweet" Mithian pouted and smiled. "Any other significance from November?".
"Let's see.." Morgana grinned. "He was conceived a whole year ago around this time, three months old in two days. Now it's just a case of well when do I go take him to see my mum? It does somewhat count as essential travel, apparently twelve weeks is the prime age to travel but then again, it's only an hour flight so".
"So it could pretty much happen at any time and you'd need to go?".
"Exactly, I mean it could literally be go time any minute now. If mum were to have another heart attack, she wouldn't be able to survive it. I know we've been through shit and all, but she's still my mother. She still deserves to meet Alfie".
"Maybe having a 'go bag' could help?" Mithian suggested. "Like a spare car seat, small folding pram as I assume you won't take the bugaboo?".
"That could work. We've already gotten a spare car seat from Amhar so just need a padded bag to transport it in so I don't have to bubble wrap it. Do you know anything about flying with a baby?".
"If pram fits in hand luggage sizes then you can take it on instead of a suitcase, or it goes in the hold for free I think".
"I think I'd probably have to get a small one that I can put the car seat on cause Alfie will need one and that way I don't have to have it damaged in the hold. We should head back, I need to pick up Amhar from nursery". Morgana and Mithian headed back to their usual meeting place and said their goodbyes then Morgana went home and drove to Amhar's nursery. Amhar napped in the afternoon while Morgana went online shopping, luckily there was the Black Friday sales so nothing was too costly as she bought a Doona padded travel bag and joolz aer. She also made sure to get some light up paw patrol wellies for Amhar seeing as he hated the Thomas ones, a puddle suit for Amhar and a pram suit for Alfie.
"I not tired, mummy!" Amhar shouted over the baby monitor. Morgana rolled her eyes—she'd just finished shopping and spoke back over the monitor.
"Amhar, it's nap time".
"I no like nap time, I play with mummy and Alfie!".
"Mummy and Alfie are having a nap too!".
"I no like naps anymore".
Morgana rolled her eyes and went to get Amhar. He had been resisting the naps at nursery anyway, so Morgana knew it was only a matter of time before the same thing happened at home. At least she wouldn't have to potty train him for nap time, so that was one less job.
5th November 2020
While Wales were only four days away from getting out of lockdown, England had just started theirs. While people weren't meant to go into others houses unless an exceptional circumstance, health visitors counted as a medical appointment as Morgana let the woman in the house and made sure she sanitised her hands and kept her mask on.
"So how have you been?".
"My credit card's taken a huge hit" Morgana chuckled. "Well, I decided to buy a smaller folding pram and spare car seat in case I need to head over to my mum's again in case she has a heart attack again, so there's that".
"So things have been rather stressful then. Any other worries?".
"I mean, like I worry about everything. Alfie getting sick and ending up in the PICU. My husband bought fireworks for bonfire night, I mean what if the house caught fire and set them off? I couldn't live with myself knowing that I could have killed my baby".
"Are the fireworks in the house? I highly doubt anything like that would happen. Covid in under fives is such a low rate".
"It could still happen!" Morgana protested.
"Morgana, you ought to visit the GP. I'm also going to refer you to six sessions of CBT over zoom for postnatal depression and anxiety".
"Okay" Morgana shrugged. After the health visitor left, she went about her usual daily routine, waiting for Merlin to get home.
"I'm back!" Merlin called out. He made sure to take his clothes off and made his way to shower before heading into the living room. "I've got the fireworks. Had a good day?".
"Meh" Morgana shrugged. "The health visitor came".
"How'd it go?" Merlin asked as he sat on the sofa and wrapped his arm around his wife.
"She's referred me to some CBT thing for mother's with postpartum depression and anxiety, and I have to see the GP".
"They'll help you get better" Merlin said. "You can do this".
"Meh" Morgana sighed. "The days are all the same these days. Endless restrictions on what we can and can't do. Have to wear a face mask for nobody knows how long. Looks like we're in lockdown for Jesus knows how long and I'm not a seer anymore so I don't know".
"Why don't we do the fireworks?" Merlin suggested.
"You'd better not set anyone on fire" Morgana warned.
"Don't worry, I won't" Merlin sighed. "I'll do them in the front block. You staying in with the kids?".
Morgana nodded. "We'll come outside for sparklers".
"What daddy doing?" Amhar asked as Merlin set up the fireworks.
"You'll see" Morgana said. She watched anxiously as Merlin lit the firework and ran off into the distance.
"Woah" Amhar gasped as the firework exploded in the air.
"That's pretty, isn't it" Morgana smiled.
"Yeah" Amhar agreed. Merlin set off a few more which brought the neighbours out onto their doorsteps as they all watched.
"Dat so cool daddy!" Amhar said as he stood in the doorway.
"Okay, look at this, stand back Amhar" Merlin said as he lit his sparkler.
"Woah!" Amhar gasped.
"Look kiddo!" Morgana said as she balanced Amhar on her hip and waved her sparkler around. "No touching, very hot".
"So sparkly" Amhar commented. After the sparklers had run out, Merlin and Morgana dropped them into a bucket of water. Amhar insisted on going to Merlin and Morgana brought Alfie out.
"We'll get through this" Morgana said. "Yesterday would've been Gwen's thirty-eighth".
"I know" Merlin said. "I know. We've been through a hell of a lot but a global pandemic was not something that I expected".
"Touché" Morgana agreed with a sigh.
6th November 2020
Morgana managed to get her GP appointment just after Alfie's twelve week vaccinations—slightly delayed given that she didn't want to go to the doctor's surgery in the middle of lockdown (given it was ending in a few days and that he needed his jabs as close to 12 weeks as possible, Morgana wasn't too bothered). As it was a Friday, Amhar was at nursery all day so she was alone with Alfie for the majority of the time. As per last time, Alfie had to have three vaccines—the second dose of the 6-in-1, second part of rotavirus and the pneumonia vaccine. Alfie did cry this time even though Morgana breastfed him again, though he did calm down quickly. Morgana then had to go back to the waiting room and was then called through to her GP's office. He asked her a few questions about how she was feeling after the baby—was it a difficult birth, how was her mood, any anxious feelings about anything in particular. At h the end of the session, Morgana was diagnosed with postpartum depression and anxiety, and was prescribed sertraline.
"Postpartum depression and anxiety" Morgana sighed and put her head in her hands.
"That's what the doctor said?" Merlin asked as he sat down next to her at the kitchen table. Amhar was already asleep, Alfie was lying in the travel cot that they kept in the kitchen playing with his feet.
"Yeah. Prescribed antidepressants, though sertraline can be taken while breastfeeding".
"I guess...I guess it makes sense".
"I suppose it does" Morgana agreed. "I do worry a lot. But, what if my fears aren't irrational? You know, what is this is something similar to when I had the dream about fire and then the car crashed?".
"Morgana, it's a pandemic. Postpartum anxiety happens in normal times, though with this whole situation it makes things so much worse"
"Especially since I had my miscarriage with little seed, I thought that having a baby would be some of the happiest times of my life. I mean, I'm not drinking or cutting so that's something I suppose. Though still".
"And it's good that that is the case" Merlin pointed out.
"I know, but what kind of parents are we?! Bringing a baby into a world like this, where there's so much tension over whether Trump or Biden win, where we can't leave the house and it's like living in a zombie apocalypse".
"We weren't to know that this was to happen" Merlin shrugged. "Though we'll survive it".
"We always somehow manage to" Morgana agreed.
"Lockdown lifts on Monday so there's that".
"I know" Morgana sighed.
"You mentioned Seed, is seed the name for ... the baby we lost?".
Morgana nodded. "I suppose so. It was the size of a seed when I lost it so it felt rather fitting. Alfie's bump name was peanut and that worked in obvious reasons way in that peanuts is why we split up the first time around to avoid history repeating itself".
"So why seed then?" Merlin asked. "How come seed? I love the name though was wondering if there was any significance in there".
"I guess you could say that both the car crash and the miscarriage were the planting of the seed for our family" Morgana smiled slightly as she looked at their son.