Pick it up, pick it up and start all over again. You've got a second chance, you could go home, escape it all it's just irrelevant. It's just medicine. It's just medicine. You can still be, what you want to. What you said you were, when I met you
11th November 2020
While in Wales, lockdown had lifted those in England still had to remain at home. The lift of lockdown meant that baby swimming was back, Mithian decided to join the group as well with Morgana and Alfie given that one of the other babies was now too old and had moved onto the toddler group. Before they began their session, they had a two minute silence given it was remembrance day, and quite a few people at the nursing home had served in the war, a trumpet being played outside before they started their session. Mithian and Morgana walked through town, Mithian lived over on Glendower street so not too far from Morgana. Usually after swimming class, they'd go to one of their houses and have lunch together before Morgana had to get Amhar from nursery.
"Why don't we start the Christmas shopping?" Mithian suggested.
"Maybe another day" Morgana said. "I have to get Amhar at one, so need food".
"Fair enough. Starting with Santa this year?".
"We sure are. Well, Santa gets him one thing and we get something they want, something they need, something to wear and something to read".
"That's adorable" Mithian smiled. "Might do that with Athena. Any ideas what you're getting for the kids?".
"Alfie will need a foot-muff for when he outgrows his carrycot seeing as the newborn wrap can't go in the seat. They have the whole classic Thomas the tank engine book set on offer so I'm looking at that".
"I thought Amhar hated Thomas" Mithian chuckled. "Or is that for Alfie?".
"I'm hoping Alfie doesn't call the fat controller 'the fucking troller'" Morgana chuckled.
"Amhar has the best names for everything" Mithian grinned.
"We've tried to get him to call him 'the fat controller', but he just doesn't do it" Morgana shook her head. "Our anniversary is coming up soon. I think I'm ready again but I'm not sure".
"To have sex?" Mithian lowered her voice.
"Yeah".
"We did it at around four months postpartum. I just wasn't ready until then".
"It's been so long, and I'm not sure. Then it's our anniversary so it'd be nice for us to, you know".
"Yeah, it would be" Mithian agreed.
"Did you use contraception?".
"No, not until six months. Exclusive breastfeeding up to six months if you don't get your period back can be used as contraception. I went on the pill after that and got my periods back at seven months".
"I can't say I miss having my period" Morgana grinned.
"How you been?" Mithian asked.
"I've had one CBT session" Morgana sighed. "It was okay, I guess".
"Good, I'm glad. You look ... better".
"I guess" Morgana shrugged. "I mean, the antidepressants help even though it's only been a few days. It's been hard and still is I guess, but you know. It's getting better".
"People never talk about how bloody hard it is having a baby, and it is so hard" Mithian sighed.
"Everyone paints pregnancy and motherhood as some miracle of life and as though it's the most glorious thing. Reality is, you can't shower or take a shit in peace, you're more sleep deprived than you were in university, though the insomnia when it's time to sleep just won't stop".
"Tell me about it" Mithian rolled her eyes. "People saying sleep before the baby comes. Well, despite the ridiculous entourage of pillows it's still hard to sleep while heavily pregnant!".
"When did Athena start sleeping through?".
"Six months old, just after we moved her into her own room".
"Okay good. Alfie still isn't sleeping through, though he's only three months so".
"You've got plenty of time. He's still little, only a baby".
"I know. Boy am I glad that lockdown is over".
"What's for lunch?" Mithian asked.
"Cheese sandwich". It began to rain after lunch, so Morgana offered Mithian a lift home.
"But Athena's going to have to go forward facing if that's okay?".
"Yeah, that's fine" Mithian said as she put Athena in Amhar's seat while Morgana put Alfie in. "She's nine months now, it's literally two minutes down the road. Do you have anything in the boot?".
"No, I keep the prams in the house" Morgana said as she got into the drivers seat while Mithian put Athena's pram in the boot.
"There was one in the boot but I managed to fit my egg in anyway. That buggy looks tiny!".
"Was it the green one?" Morgana asked.
"The dinosaur one, I think. I meant to ask, which brand is it? Looks so nice and now Athena's older a small one would be useful".
"Take it" Morgana said. "You can have it".
"Really? How much do you want for it?".
"It's free" Morgana arched an eyebrow. "It's a good buggy, lightweight and all. I just can't stand it".
"Why not?".
"Ever since I've been pregnant with Alfie, the colour makes me feel sick".
"Seriously?" Mithian rolled her eyes.
"Honestly, I'm not even joking!"
Morgana exasperatedly sighed. "It's like a Costa wow or something, I'm sure you'll find it on YouTube".
"Oh, thanks" Mithian said as they arrived at her place. She took the buggies and Athena and made her way into the house, Morgana driving off to Camelot to collect Amhar. By the time she returned, her newly ordered items had arrived so she got her coat on, put Amhar's new wellies on and went for a walk, deciding to tackle the new buggy when she got home.
"Been busy have we?" Merlin asked with a chuckle as he entered the living room. He'd had his shower and had come down in his pyjamas.
"Huh?" Morgana asked as she looked over. She was sat in the corner of the living room with Amhar making an aeroplane out of a box while Alfie had tummy time on his roller.
"I see some things in the hallway" Merlin drawled. "Shopping?"
"Oh yeah, I got an ultra-compact pram that can be taken on the plane in case I need to dash off to Ireland".
"What's wrong with the dinosaur one?".
"Doesn't fit in the overhead compartment of the plane and can't take a car seat. Gave it to Mithian, I'm sure she'll make good use of it".
"Oh. I liked it".
"And I didn't, so it's gone" Morgana retorted.
"Daddy, you like my plane?" Amhar asked as he ran up to him.
"Its nice" Merlin remarked.
"How was work?" Morgana asked as she kissed Merlin.
"Will's bubble popped so he has to isolate".
"Wait, really? Do you have to isolate as well? Sleep on the sofa then, we can't let the baby get it".
"No, the kid and I haven't been in contact" Merlin reassured her.
"Good" Morgana let out a breath she hadn't realised she'd been holding.
13th November 2020
With Amhar at nursery all day, it was the perfect time to begin Christmas shopping. It was Friday the thirteenth yet also Children in need Day, so Amhar had to dress colourfully and take £1 to nursery. Merlin's work had a non-uniform day so he too had to take a pound in. Morgana was watching Athena for the day given that Mithian had a "keeping in touch" day, where she would go back to work for a few days before she finished her maternity leave and went back in January.
Looking after two babies was great. Athena could sleep in the travel cot downstairs while she wore Alfie given that he wasn't a fan of being put down, Mithian had left some of her milk for Athena so Morgana didn't have to make up formula. Morgana could take both kids out with the double buggy, and having a three month old and nine month old to entertain was much better than having a baby and toddler. Though Morgana did get a few strange looks as she went on her morning walk given that she had a nine month old and a carrycot, not that she cared, alongside the fact that Athena was crawling and cruising everywhere. Then there was the other issue, Athena was using baby wipes now when she had her nappy changed as she was on solids while Alfie was exclusively breastfed so Morgana was still using warm water and cotton wool with him (though she did feel slightly bad about that, so opted to stick some water wipes down her bra to warm them up for him). With Athena asleep in the cot and Alfie sleeping too, Morgana began to get her Christmas shopping done.
Christmas shopping for Amhar and Alfie was fairly easy, something they want, something they 'need', something to wear and something to read. As well as that they would each get a Santa present, a wooden kitchen for Amhar and a giant iggle piggle for Alfie. Alfie didn't exactly want anything—apart from breast milk, so she made sure to get something semi-useful, a rather expensive Thomas the tank engine bag from Harrods for when he'd start nursery. She'd agreed with Merlin to get them a joint present too, a cuddly rocking dinosaur with both their names on it. Merlin on the other hand was rather difficult to buy for. She'd asked and asked to no avail, not even a hint! While it was hard to buy, she knew that she'd have to go for practical items, getting him some Hunter boots and a personalised book from the kids.
Mithian arrived way before Merlin given that she didn't have to stop at nursery.
"How was she?" Mithian asked as she picked up her daughter.
"She was great" Morgana smiled. "Looking after two babies is much easier than having a baby and toddler, even though she is crawling and cruising a lot. Though I did get the odd look here and there for having a nine month old and newborn".
"I can imagine" Mithian smirked. "So I've heard it's your anniversary coming up soon?".
"It is" Morgana smiled. "I've done most of my Christmas shppping, I bought Merlin a photo album of our first year of marriage together".
"That's so sweet" Mithian smiled. "I'm sure he'll love it".
"I think so" Morgana agreed. "I mean, we've got his reaction to finding out I'm pregnant, some of the professional photos from our wedding, finding out Alfie's a boy, lockdown memories".
"Aww, that's the sweetest. I'm sure he'll love it".
"How was work?".
"It's good to be back. Very strange, very strange. I mean it's so weird without hearing so much laughter around seeing as so many of them have either left or are isolating, not to mention the masks".
"Do you think we'll be back to normal by September?" Morgana asked. "My maternity leave ends then so I hope so".
"Well, Leon was at B&Q and was talking, some people thought it'd still be here at Christmas ... I mean, we're in lockdown 2.0 to 'save' Christmas".
"Ah yes, BoJo the saviour" Morgana rolled her eyes. "Demeaning mothers and those with mental health issues, not allowing us to access the health service in order to save those with the virus. It's ridiculous".
"I know, it's shit" Mithian agreed. "I know, why don't we do the drop em out challenge?"
"The what!".
"Oh, it's basically a TikTok where you flash your baby with your boobs and then film their reaction. You don't have to upload it on TikTok cause I know you don't do it, I'll be happy to do the music and let you film it on your phone".
"What has the world come to" Morgana muttered.
"Here's Athena's one did we did at five months" Mithian said as she showed it to Morgana.
"Aww she's so happy".
"Don't you want Alfie to be that happy?".
Morgana shot Mithian a death glare. "Fine. Fuck you".
"Please don't, I'm not a lesbian" Mithian grinned as Morgana unlocked her iPad and got the "drop em out" song on YouTube. She and Mithian held their phones and took their tops and bra's off, leaning with their against the back of the sofa and covering up with a small blanket each. Athena was amusing herself while Alfie was swaying from side to side in nuna swing.
"Ready" Mithian giggled.
"God, I feel like a fucking school girl" Morgana muttered as she hit record and began to play the song. After hearing "1,2,3,4 drop 'em out" they dropped the towels and watched the reactions. Alfie's face lit up and he began squealing happily, kicking his legs and moving his arms so Morgana took him out the bouncer to feed him. Athena grinned and held onto the wall, using it to stand herself up and took a wobbly step away from the wall. Not holding on to anything, she took another few steps and fell into Mithian's arms.
"What the hell are you doing!" Morgana and Mithian looked up to see Merlin at the door. "Hi Mithian" he added awkwardly as he looked away.
"She took her first steps!" Mithian exclaimed then cleared her throat. "Merlin".
"Hi babe" Morgana laughed. "There's this trend where you flash a breastfed baby your boobs and film their reaction".
"Mithi boobies" Amhar announced with a giggle as he pointed at them.
"Yes" Mithian blushed as she put her bra and top back on.
"Let's go take our shower Amhar" Merlin as he made his way up the stairs. Morgana and Mithian glanced at each other and began laughing.
"Who said motherhood is boring" Morgana laughed. "Can you help me get my bra back on?".
"Of course" Mithian chuckled as she fastened it at the back. She looked at Morgana again and they laughed once more, leant against the back of the sofa giggling like school girls.
"I haven't laughed so hard in ages" Morgana said. "Fucking crying from laughing".
"That was the whole plan" Mithian grinned. "How've you been?".
"I'm getting there" Morgana shrugged. "I mean, I can't sleep so I've started taking my medicine in the morning now. I mean, it's some improvement, but still".
"Yeah, I thought you've been looking better this past week".
"Though at the same time, i hate it. Don't like being drugged. Gaius used to do it to me all the time in Camelot, though that was free. I actually have to pay for this shit".
"Gaius was the original NHS" Mithian chuckled. "Though maybe you ought to talk to Merlin about it?".
"May as well" Morgana shrugged.
"Anyway, I'm going to head off" Mithian said as she stood up and picked up Athena. "I don't really want to see Merlin ... not after" she gestured to her chest.
"Of course" Morgana grinned as she stood and put Alfie on her other boob. "See you on Monday?".
"Sure" Mithian smiled. Morgana and Merlin had dinner and put Amhar to bed before sitting down and watching the latest season of the crown.
"We need to talk" Morgana said as she turned it off. They'd just seen the episode where Charles and Diana meet one another for the first time.
"Is everything okay?" Merlin frowned and turned off the TV.
"I want to stop the medication" Morgana sighed. "I know, I know what you're going to say. SSRI's take four weeks to work blah de blah. I know that I accepted them and all, but I don't want to be drugged anymore".
"That's okay" Merlin reassured his wife. "If you don't want to take them then you don't have to take them. That's okay. Any reason why?".
"I know sertraline is safe for breastfeeding, but I still worry about that. That, and it reminds me of back in Camelot when Gaius used to give me drug after drug. Instead of helping me, I just got the drugs".
"That's understandable, of course. That makes sense. Though this isn't back then. You can do this".
"I can" Morgana agreed. She passed Alfie to Merlin and walked over to the kitchen. She took her pills out the cupboard and threw them in the outside waste bin. "No drugs for me".
"I'm glad you've been able to take the situation into your own hands" Merlin smiled. "And make the right decision for you and your body".
"Me too" Morgana agreed with a small smile. "I'm glad for my diagnosis and whatnot, though I just don't think medicine is the be all and end all of everything".
"So that's why you didn't use pain relief when you had Alfie?".
"I personally think, that if you don't need medicine then it's better to go without it. Like the sleeping drafts. Last summer when everything kicked off, I know I took antidepressants but I needed them, if that makes sense".
"It does. It really does. When Arthur and Gwen passed away, it was absolutely shit. I needed the meds. As for now, I don't need them so I don't think it's necessary to take them".
"Can I ask you something?".
"Go ahead" Morgana raised her eyebrows and smirked.
"What the hell were you and Mithian doing! Topless in the living room".
"Ohh, that" Morgana giggled. "Mithian showed me this thing where you show your breastfed baby your boobs and film their reaction. Apparently it's a TikTok trend".
"I am so glad we don't do TikTok" Merlin muttered.
"Me too" Morgana agreed. "It was fun though. Athena took her first steps".
"That's so sweet".
A/N: Anyway I am finally on Easter holidays! Though I would go ahead and get sick (not corona, tonsillitis). Hopefully going to have time to actually write though at the same time I have so much work to get done...