TW - suicide ideation
The clock is ticking, they say "enough is enough". It's time to head home, to see the ones we love. Time to pack again, to hit the road again. Memories all around, tears are flowing down. It's time to say goodbye to all these colours, flavours, cultures and to jump on that train. It's true I realise, when my family's all around, I finally found a place I call home
31st December 2020!
"Oh my God you're joking!" Morgana muttered.
"What is it?" Merlin asked as he flipped a pancake. As a special New Years Eve breakfast they were all having pancakes much to Amhar's happiness as he 'helped' Merlin to make them.
"Baby shark swim school's closed down!" Morgana exclaimed. "They went bankrupt and they couldn't hire out the pool anymore".
"I suppose the pool issue makes sense what with it being a nursing home" Merlin shrugged. "Now that the residents can't see their families anymore".
"I know" Morgana sighed. "It's terrible. Of course it's terrible and naturally that does take priority over mummy and baby swimming, though still".
"You could find another company" Merlin suggested. "Though baby sharks was good".
"It was" Morgana sighed. "I think that was really the cherry on the cake of this year".
"Amma no like cherries" Amhar announced.
"You've never eaten one, it's a choking hazard" Morgana scoffed.
"Actually ... he has" Merlin admitted.
"When!" Morgana frowned. "That was stupid!".
"I took the seed out, don't worry" Merlin reassured her. "Back when they were in season. I was eating one and he asked so I cut it open, removed the seed and gave it to him".
"Ah" Morgana mused.
"He wasn't a fan and spat it out" Merlin rolled his eyes.
"Well I believe that the lockdown babies from 1.0 are going to be born now" Morgana commented. "Lockdown 1.0 being in March, that's been nine months".
"I can't believe this year's already ending".
"Time flies when you're sleep deprived" Morgana grinned.
"Do you think we should keep Amhar up?" Merlin asked.
"I don't know actually" Morgana replied. "I think it'd be nice for him to, let him see in the new year. Though at the same time, I'm not sure. See how he is".
"Check WhatsApp, I sent you something" Merlin smirked as he put the stack of pancakes on the table.
Morgana opened WhatsApp, a video with a lot of photos and the slowed sound of "thank you for the happiest year of my life" played. Photos from the whole year played and Morgana smiled at them all—bump photos, Amhar, Alfie, family photos.
"This is the cutest" Morgana pouted. "I'm so glad I managed to make this the happiest year of your life".
"It's been difficult, truly difficult though so good at the same time" Merlin admitted. "Getting to spend this year with my family; what more could I ask for?! I know you've found things hard this year though".
"But we made it" Morgana shrugged and bounced Alfie on her knee. "We made it. I mean this whole year has been much better than say, the middle of 2019 after Arthur and Gwen died. There was generally so much shit happening at that time that it was almost unsurvivable though now I can't imagine life any other way".
"Almost unsurvivable?" Merlin frowned.
"I ... I did have thoughts about ending it all. About ... you know".
"Morgana why" Merlin stopped and hugged her. "Why didn't you say anything?".
"It's one thing to have those thoughts in your head, that's scary enough" Morgana admitted. "But having to tell people, having to admit the way you feel is just as—if not more—scary".
"Oh Morgana" Merlin sighed. "I'm so sorry that you felt like that. That I wasn't there for you".
"Obviously I managed to get through it" Morgana shrugged. "Though ... nothing was as bad as it was at that time. Even with postpartum being hard, it hasn't been anywhere near as hard as that".
"Oh sweetie, come here". Morgana leant into Merlin's embrace once more and they hugged and hugged, picking up Amhar to join in too for a few seconds before he decided he was bored and wanted to play they also put Alfie on the floor for tummy time.
"How did you make it?" Morgana asked. "It seems like a TikTok type thing".
"I didn't use TikTok" Merlin reassured her. "I actually found the audio on YouTube, screen recorded and and used iMovie".
"It looks really good, though I suppose iMovie is quite good to use".
Amhar played with his cars while Alfie was having tummy time and laying on his roller on top of his baby gym. Life was great. Alfie lifted his head up, leant on to his side and rolled onto his back.
"Oh my god!" Morgana squealed. She threw the blanket off her and Merlin and picked up the baby who quietened at his mother's touch. "Record the time! What time is it!".
"Ten twenty-three" Merlin said quickly sending a text to morgana. "He just rolled over!".
"I know!" Morgana squeaked. "We need to put it in his baby book. I can't believe he's getting so big".
"I know, you're so big now" Merlin cooed.
"I bigger" Amhar said with a stomp of his foot. "Alfie baby, I big boy".
"You are aren't you" Merlin chuckled as he picked him up. "Ooof! You're getting too heavy for daddy to carry!" Amhar giggled at Merlin. Merlin knew he'd be able to carry Amhar for a long time even though he was high on the centile for his age at 14kg and the 85th centile, whereas Alfie was only on the 25th centile and 6kg.
"Well, what should we do today now that it's the last day of the year?" Merlin asked.
"Have you seen the state of our mountain buggy!" Morgana exclaimed. "It needs a deep clean".
"I mean it is pretty muddy" Merlin agreed with a shrug. "Should we do the bugaboo?".
"No, I managed to keep that clean" Morgana smirked. "We're all changing toothbrushes now that we're no longer ill, luckily I already saved some for this sort of thing".
"So that's why there's a random box of frayed toothbrushes" Merlin muttered sarcastically.
"They're good for cleaning" Morgana shrugged. "Well we'll get changed then we can get on with it". Merlin and Morgana dismantled the pram and put Amhar in the bath with the wheels and a toothbrush, helping him to scrub them clean, though the bath did end up rather muddy and he had to be hosed off afterwards, Amhar rather liked his first shower. Morgana then took the pram fabrics off and scrubbed them with water, soap and a larger brush, using it as a sensory session for Amhar that didn't involve having to make something for him to play with and actually was a double whammy on some way by keeping the buggy clean. Amhar was happy to have his lunch and then play quietly while Alfie took a nap. Merlin and Morgana decided Amhar was way too young to stay down until midnight, while they kept Alfie with them at all times anyway and he'd probably wake up for his middle of the night feed anyway. That way they wouldn't have to entertain Amhar or try to be quiet as they celebrated the end of the (shitty yet good) year 2020.
Dinner was vegetarian steak and chips followed by a whole family bath which was found to be a rather nice bonding experience then they headed to the kids bedroom. Morgana rocked in the rocking chair feeding Alfie with her feet on the foot-stall, Amhar lay in bed with his bat and his bunny while Merlin sat on the chair that matched all the furniture in the room. He read out on of the Thomas The Tank Engine books, Amhar had finally been able to say 'The Fat Controller' properly though he still didn't like Thomas that much, though tolerated one story in return for two of his Peter Rabbit books.
Merlin and Morgana made their way downstairs and watched the tv, reminiscing on the past year. After making sure Amhar was asleep, Merlin headed up to the loft and brought down the memory boxes for them to go through together—Amhar's baby box, Alfie's baby box, Morgana's memory box along with Merlin's and the wedding one. Then the ones they hadn't seen in a while—Arthur and Gwen's two memory boxes.
"Let's see what we have" Morgana commented as she opened Amhar's baby box. They went through it, looking at his handprint and footprints, surgical gown from the pyjama fairies, coming home outfit (a pair of dinosaur dungarees with a cardigan), NICU tags and surgery tags. Compared to Alfie's newborn outfits they looked huge, his going home outfit was 0-3 months while his surgery gown was one for babies that are 9-11 pounds.
"Oh look, here's Gwen's maternity notes" Morgana commented. "And mine. Let's see the delivery notes".
"Amhar was born via planned Caesarian due to Gwen having fibroids" Merlin announced.
"I never knew Gwen had fibroids" Morgana commented. "I guess that seems to say why she needed a section".
"I guess so" Merlin echoed. "That and the miscarriages".
"Thank god!" Morgana let out a sigh of relief. "It says here that he wasn't growth restricted, just small".
"That's good" Merlin agreed. "Especially for future children. I think I myself was rather small".
"Me too. Only a little six pounder. Let's see our wedding box now" Morgana said as they packed away Amhar and Alfie's things into their baby boxes with their full names on at birth (Amhar Tom Pendragon and Alfie Mordred Emrys), birth weight (9lb 12oz and 5lb 13oz) along with the date and time of birth (13th September 2018 at 13:37 and 6th August 2020 at 00:06). The wedding box was slightly larger, reading
"Mr & Mrs Emrys"
"16.11.19"
Inside it was Morgana's wedding dress, shoes, Vivienne's earrings and the sapphire heart-shaped pendant. Merlin had his tie and navy blue blazer given that he splurged on it and didn't want to wear it to work (though he did wear the rest of the outfit often). Amhar had the whole outfit seeing as he'd now outgrown it—a shirt with navy trousers, a matching waistcoat, braces and a bow tie that looked adorable.
"He's so big now" Merlin sighed.
"Remember this time last year" Morgana smirked. "All the high hopes we had for 2020".
"And it was good" Merlin smiled as he cupped Alfie's head.
"It was" Morgana agreed with a small smile. "Though tough. Do you remember how last year, Amhar got hand foot and mouth disease".
"We thought quarantine then was hard!" Merlin laughed. "Oh how wrong we were".
"The whole UK on lockdown" Morgana rolled her eyes. "Well, let's see these" she gestured to Arthur and Gwen's memory boxes. Both of them had a photo on the outside—Gwen's was of one with her and Amhar, Arthur was one of him and Amhar too. The lid's (respectively) said "In loving memory of Guinevere, 1982-2019" and "in loving memory of Arthur Pendragon, 1981-2019". They began with Arthur's box and rummaged through his belongings—his first phone, baby clothes and photos, photos of him with Morgause and baby Morgana, his favourite pair of headphones, a couple of Cd's, his phone (smashed up from the accident, though there all the same).
"Remember having to use wires" Morgana chuckled.
"Oh yes, the good old days" Merlin took grabbed his AirPods case. "I mean, airpods are pretty cool".
"They're the best" Morgana agreed as she continued going through the box. Other small trinkets from Arthur's life, his teddy bear from childhood and the few photos he had with his mother. They repacked the box and went through Gwen's. Likewise she had her first and most recent phone, the perfume she used to wear, many photos, a bottle of foundation, lipstick and other memories that were simply, Gwen.
"It's movie time" Morgana decided. "You put the boxes back in the loft, I'll do some halloumi fries?".
"Let's do this" Merlin agreed as he piled up the boxes and took them to the loft. They had their halloumi fries and other snacks as they watched their movie of choice—The Greatest Showman, just like they had the year before. Though a lot had changed in that year, Amhar was now a potty trained and rather independent, they had their baby Alfie and there was a global pandemic which had essentially resulted in nine months of quarantine, face masks being required in many places, a cancelled Christmas and several lockdowns.
"Time for karaoke" Morgana smirked as Merlin ejected the DVD.
"Who we starting with?" Merlin asked.
"We're saving The Greatest Showman ones until last so we can have a rave" Morgana decided. "Last Christmas?".
"Sure, start with karaoke" Merlin agreed as Morgana loaded it up and the lyrics came on the screen. Merlin began to sing it normally while morgana had put her own twist on the lyrics.
"Last Christmas, we didn't wear masks. We'd enjoy Christmas Day, not six feet away. This year, to save us from tier 5, we're spending it someway different" Morgana sang.
Merlin grabbed the remote and paused the tv. "What the hell?".
"The corona remix" Morgana grinned. She pressed play and they continued with the song. They had many others too—James Arthur's impossible (their favourite), no time to die, battle scars, what a wonderful world, mistletoe, someone to you, him&I and welcome to the black parade were the favourites, though they did do many others until 10:30 when they began their "rave".
"We're saving the best till last" Morgana smirked and raised her eyebrows. They started off with this is me, from now on and a million dreams before Merlin decided they ought to sing "Rewrite the stars".
"I mean, it's like the stars were rewritten" Merlin commented.
"I know. You, me, us. Our family. And the pandemic. Though most importantly, we made it".
"Okay, Alfie we'll try to be quiet" Merlin promised him as Morgana passed him the baby. They loaded up the lyrics and began the song, loosing their voices at the end from the beginning "woaaah's".
"Right, no more karaoke" Morgana sighed as she flopped on the sofa, Alfie needed feeding and Merlin passed her the baby and put BBC on.
"No more karaoke" Merlin agreed with a sigh. "Oh, it's a concert".
"I wonder if they'll have fireworks" Morgana commented.
"Well people aren't allowed in London" Merlin shrugged. "And they're not supposed to leave either. Did you hear about those people that tried to go to Brecon Beacons and were turned away?".
"Good" Morgana scoffed. "They're in tier 4, they should follow the lockdown rules like the rest of us".
"I think it's good that they're live streaming Alicia Keys' concert" Merlin commented. "It's free, safe and we can all see it".
"I think so too" Morgana agreed. "We do have shloer right?".
"In the fridge" Merlin smirked. "I'm keeping it there so it can stay ice cold". The concert remained on until almost midnight with no sign of it moving to the Big Ben countdown. They quickly changed it to ITV, Big Ben appearing on the screen alongside the tower bridge, shard and many other monuments. The tip of the Shard began to light up with blue, as did the London eye with red. Strobe lighting came off Westminster bridge, tower bridge lit up in red as happy music played.
Merlin poured and left the two shloer glasses on the coffee table, Morgana stood up clutching Alfie to her chest feeding him as she leant into Merlin's embrace. The countdown to 2021 had begun, Merlin and Morgana counting in time with the TV. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1.
1st January 2021!
The bells of Big Ben began to chime. The new year had begun.
"Happy New Year!" Merlin and Morgana grinned at each other and kissed. Alfie unlatched himself and grinned a gummy smile at his parents before he went back to feeding.
"Happy new year sweetie!" Morgana grinned as she kissed his forehead. "Haha, last year I was pregnant with him and now we're starting off the new year with him attached to my boob. Though I wouldn't change a thing".
"Neither would I" Merlin agreed as he kissed his wife and son's forehead. The shard changed colour the tip turning white and blue strobe lights going across tower and Westminster bridge.
"Happy New Year" Morgana grinned and put her hand on her face. She looked at the ceiling and blinked hard willing the tears forming to stop. The lights continued as Big Ben chimed, flashing with happy music still on turning yellow, red, white and blue. The tip of the shard turned yellow and they focused on the o2 building which had a large 2021 in lights above it as the fireworks began.
"I knew they'd do something" Merlin chuckled.
"In the year of 2020 a new virus came our way" whoever was on the TV began to say. "We knew what must be done and so to help we hid away. Old habits became extinct and they made way for the new, and every simple act of kindness was now given it's due".
"Oh my gosh" Morgana gasped. She didn't bother trying to stop the tears, allowing them to form as more fireworks came on and the intro of the song "leave a light on" began to play.
"The nightingale hospital based at the excel exhibition centre in London was constructed in just nine days".
"Buildings were lit up in blue, the colour of the NHS" a woman said as a large blue firework went off, in the background "I will leave a light on" was heard. A blue nightingale replaced the 2021, more golden fireworks going off. Morgana and Merlin looked at one another, grinned and cried slightly as they watched the show.
"We made it" Merlin said as he kissed Morgana's forehead.
"We did" she agreed with a grin. "We made it". The nightingale was appearing to be "flying", more fireworks going off and the song continuing. "Yeah I will leave a light on. I will leave the light on. If you look into the distance there's a house upon the hill, guiding like a lighthouse, it's a place where you'll be safe—to feel like grace 'cause we've all made mistakes if you've lost your way. I will leave a light on, a light on, a light on". The nightingale and blue and gold fireworks faded as another song began.
More fireworks started up, red hearts going off in the sky as the song "take care of you" played.
"Thousands of people opened their windows and doors to applaud NHS staff who are working on the frontline of coronavirus crisis" the woman continued, followed by another man taking over.
"In residential streets across the UK, people have come onto their doorsteps to clap for carers". The NHS logo replaced the nightingale as green fireworks went off, a little boy saying "thank you NHS carers". This morphed into a heart and the music stopped, the fireworks went red and another song started.
"Captain Tom Moore set out to raise £1000 for the NHS, he's raised just a little more than that" the woman chuckled.
The man took over. "He's a 99 year old war vet, he's a one-man fundraising machine". "Thank you captain Tom!" Many children shouted as Jess Glynne's "I'll be there" began to play, an illumination of Captain Tom replacing the NHS logo.
"Thank you all very much" the man announced at the fireworks stopped once more, the song was cut off and the drone swivelled around somewhere else. "Hello, is it me you're looking for" began to play as he continued talking. "We're living in a world now where working from home, that teleworking phenomenon is something we all have to deal with, let's just join into the meeting. Yes, I can see you hang on no you're not on mute".
"The struggle is real" Morgana chuckled.
"Teaching online sucks" Merlin rolled his eyes. A large microphone with "you're on mute!" appeared right above the o2, soon dissolving.
"So many of the nurses and doctors and consultants as well as cleaners" the man continued. "The helping hand guiding us through this storm. A black, Asian minority ethnic".
Someone else with a strong accent took over. "The future holds unexposed danger but no stress. Humankind is no stranger to progress as we've proven, when we collaborate progress follows fast".
A fist appeared above the o2 as the woman continued. "This is one voice with one message:black lives matter". Stormzy's blinded by your grace played as more fireworks went off, one fist turning into several more. "You came and saved me".
"You saved me" Morgana smiled as she kissed Merlin. "You, Alfie, Amhar".
"I'm so glad we did" Merlin agreed as he kissed her.
"2020 a year we will never forget, but we can make the new year a year of hope" the woman continued. The camera focused on the shard, the tip turning green with Westminster bridge turning rainbow coloured as fireworks came out of one of the stadiums. "All together" was spelt out in rainbow colours as blinding lights played with many more fireworks. It changed to "join together" then "Hope together" and finally "love together".
"That has got to be the sweetest one yet" Morgana pouted as she began burping Alfie and sipped at her shloer. The fireworks and music continued on and on.
"It is" Merlin agreed as he finished his drink. "Shall we head to bed?".
"I'm exhausted" Morgana yawned. "Let's go". Merlin and Morgana were both out as soon as they had lay down.
They woke up and smiled at each other, holding Alfie close to them and checking the baby monitor. Amhar was awake. It was seven o'clock in the morning. Life had resumed as normal. New year, the same old grind.
A/N: I might have cried when I rewatched the London fireworks 2021 for research purposes ... I mean it was rather emotional (four months on, I've aged a year and it still gets me)