A/N: I delayed posting this chapter as I wanted to post it today as today is actually the one year anniversary of when I first started publishing my stages series. 291k words later here we are! And holy shit, what a year it's been! It's been a great tiring, exhilarating and exhausting year all at the same time.I hope you've all enjoyed reading this as I have writing, this is also the chapter with the anniversary of Arthur/Gwen's death so I felt it rather fitting too (though this is a complete coincidence). I knew where I was going to go from the start but also had some things I originally planned not make it in the end and added some parts. The day I started publishing is also the day I decided to make baby Alfie's you all enjoy :)
Remember me, though I have to say goodbye. Remember me, don't let it make you cry. For even if I'm far away I hold you in my heart, I sing a secret song to you each night we are apart. Remember me, though I have to travel far. Remember me, each time you hear a sad guitar. Know that I'm with you the only way that I can be, until you're in my arms again remember me
4th May 2021
"I can't believe that the Baby Yoda gown doesn't fit Alfie anymore" Morgana pouted as she tossed it into a pile near the kitchen counter. "He's getting so big! I refuse to believe it".
"I mean he is Baby Yoda in some way anyway" Merlin shrugged. "Crawling all over the place, grinning adorably when he's in trouble".
"True" Morgana agreed with a smirk. "We had that hoodie from when Amhar was younger. The green one with 'too cute I am' on the back".
"I think that'll be huge on him" Merlin grimaced. "Though adorable. Maybe in a few months".
"He's still so small" Morgana agreed as she fed him a piece of banana.
"Grrr!" Amahr growled as he scooped some of his cereal out his bowl and chucked it on the floor.
"No" Morgana said firmly. "No. We don't do that".
"Argh!" Amhar growled. "Don't want stupid breakfast. Don't like it".
"It's coco pops Amhar, you love it…" Merlin drawled.
"No!" Amhar scowled as he kicked his chair and the table. "No more! No milk, no breakfast, no!".
"Okay, no breakfast" Merlin decided as he began to mop up the coco pops.
"Come on, we gotta go to nursery" Morgana said as she heaved Alfie out of her highchair.
"No" Amhar said with a stomp of his foot, right in the chocolatey milk and cereal mixture.
"Amhar Tom Emrys" Morgana said. "You do not do that, it's not nice".
"I don't care!" Amhar roared as he stomped his foot. He picked some up off the floor and threw it at Morgana and then a little bit at merlin.
"Right, that's it. Time out" Morgana decided as she picked him up, kicking and screaming and put him on the naughty step with the two minute timer.
"Mum and dad still want us all to go on holiday together" Merlin said. "They want us to choose so".
"We'll meet them tonight and decide on one?" Morgana asked.
"Yeah, that'll be good" Merlin agreed. "They've gotten a good bungalow and are looking likely to buy it soon".
"I'm glad" Morgana smiled. "It'll be great to have them closer. Still got a little while left on time out".
"I'll change Alfie. Star Wars themed?".
"Go on then" Morgana smirked. "It's Star Wars day so might as well".
"I will" Merlin decided as he went up the stairs with the baby.
"Is it over yet?" Amhar whinged as he kicked his legs up and down.
"Not yet" Morgana sighed as she leant on the wall, waiting for the timer to end. As soon as it did she sent Amhar upstairs which he immediately protested at and ended up carrying him up as he kicked and screamed.
"Parenting hack says take him outside?" Merlin suggested. "I mean I'm already mostly done, just need cologne so I don't smell of baby vomit. Just put him in the swing".
"Go on then" Morgana agreed. "I'm going to leave Alfie in the cot while I get my makeup done. It's not raining so bundling up and walking". Now that they lived within walking distance of work (twenty minutes) Merlin and Morgana had decided it'd be better for them to walk in to work if the weather was nice and only take the car if it was raining or particularly cold. Even though it was now May, the weather was both cold and rainy, though wasn't forecast for rain today so they would walk. Amhar remained in his pyjamas as he'd refused to get ready, Morgana sighing and strapping him into the double buggy with his coat on and a blanket as she walked with Merlin to the school. She'd usually aim to get out of the house as soon as they could and go for a walk to start the morning off before heading home, finding things to be much better with that initial walk. She didn't tend to go all the way, only around half way (to the nursery if Amhar was in that day or the local park) though the whole family found it beneficial. For Amhar it helped to get his energy worn off, Morgana found walking great to clear her head, Merlin loved spending the extra time with his family bonding (plus the added advantage of not having to carry his bag if they had the pushchair) and Alfie would simply be happy to take it all in. As it was a Tuesday they wouldn't have the most busy day, Morgana probably going to the soft play in the morning and then her mother's well-being group in the afternoon. As expected, Amhar was not at all happy about being in his pyjamas and whinged from his buggy seat the whole way home, happy to get changed as soon as they headed upstairs.
Amhar had been experiencing behaviour difficulties as of late both at home and at nursery, so when he had behaved well Merlin and Morgana had made sure to reward him well. While Morgana had started on lunch, Amhar tried to get Alfie to sleep which naturally didn't work though he had tried so hard, after he did fall asleep in the carrier Morgana sat down on the floor with Amhar and crossed her legs.
"Look, you've been a good boy this morning after getting home from our walkies" Morgana said. "Being nice to your brother, getting yourself changed, playing nicely by yourself and helping mummy clear up with dinner. Would you like to go to soft play today?".
Amhar grinned and nodded eagerly, throwing himself at Morgana and giving her a cuddle. "Thank you mummy!" he squealed happily. Truth be told, Morgana had pre-booked the soft-play last night and after the morning's meltdown had considered cancelling, though seeing how Amhar had redeemed himself she had decided that they would go indeed. Amhar put his coat on himself (nursery and taught him a toddler easy way to do so, though he still needed help with the zip) and his shoes too (naturally like most two year olds, on the wrong feet) while Morgana bundled herself up with the baby wearing coat and grabbed the silver cross pop out the cupboard and unfolded it.
"I a big boy, can I walk mummy?" Amhar asked.
"Of course you can sweetie, we'll put the reins on you though".
"Why taking pushchair?" Amhar asked as Morgana and him stepped out the door and she locked the house up. "Alfie not need it".
"I know, just in case you get tired" Morgana smiled. They arrived shortly before the soft play session, walking through the park and going on the swings for a short while before heading to the soft play on time and going in. Morgana first took Amhar up to the cafe and bought a latte for herself and a babycino (warmed up milk with some froth on top and a tiny sprinkling of chocolate powder) for him alongside some lovely looking cake slices. The soft-play was a lovely small one, having a rather small play area for the under-fives and a larger one for over fours, though with all the bigger kids being at school many toddlers tended to go in there anyway, Morgana was happy to watch from her seat as it wasn't as big as some of the other ones and she could still hear Amhar.
Every thing had seemed to be going well. Amhar had run into his nursery friend Noah and Morgana had been happy to have a catch-up with Kara until she had to take the baby in the toddler area (at one years old, Amelia had just found her feet and was insistent on walking).
"No Noah!" Amhar snarled. "No playing with you. Go away".
"Amhar, we need to be nice" Morgana shouted up from the edge.
"No, not being nice! Grrr!" Amhar growled and slapped his friend. He saw Morgana's anger flash in his eyes and knew that he had messed up. Even though she had Alfie asleep on her chest, Morgana removed her shoes and went up in the play structure ensuring that she wouldn't get stuck.
"I sorry mummy" he slowly said.
"You don't need to say sorry to me, you need to say sorry to Noah" Morgana said.
"Sorry Noah" Amhar said looking rather bewildered.
"No more play and we are going home" Morgana said as she firmly took Amhar's hand and took themselves down the play structure, Noah looking rather bewildered and then taking the slide down.
"I am so sorry Kara" Morgana sighed as she wrestled Amhar into the pushchair. "He has been having this hitting phase when he gets angry and he hit Noah" Morgana rambled on.
"Hey, it's okay, these things happen" Kara said.
"I made him say sorry, I can't believe he's doing this again he'd been so good all morning too". After apologising profusely, Morgana walked home pushing Amhar, admittedly frustrated and bewildered. She knew that many toddlers went through a biting or hitting phase and she and Merlin had been trying to get it under control for ages, though Amhar's aggression and behaviour issues continued. It didn't help that it was the start of May, around the two year anniversary of Arthur and Gwen's death so naturally things would be tough. For the first time in a while, at the mothers well-being group later that day Morgana cried. That night, she and Merlin were entangled as they lay on the sofa, watching a new series about how surgery was performed on babies in the womb. There unfortunately were many sad outcomes but also many happy outcomes, naturally it being an extremely emotional programme.
"This makes me think of Amhar" Morgana sighed as she wiped at her tears. "Granted, his was as a neonate instead of in-utero, though still".
"I get you" Merlin agreed as he held his wife. "I guess it gets you thinking about it all too. How far he's come and how well he's doing. But also how it was so scary and things were rather touch and go for a while".
"I get ya" Morgana sighed. "I get you. It's just right now he's so difficult. You know health wise, apart from obviously he needs his inhaler when he gets colds and whatnot, he's doing perfect. Though it's so hard. It must be so confusing for him".
"It's confusing for us and we're the adults" Merlin shrugged. "I can't imagine how hard it must be for him, he's a only little boy! Though it is the time of the anniversary".
"So naturally we're going to be more fragile too" Morgana pondered. "Two years to the day since I first found out I was pregnant with seed. So he would've probably picked up on that. Obviously he was very young when they died and he was very clingy at the time but that's normal for a seven month old—I mean look at Alfie!".
"It could be something like a delayed reaction perhaps. That now he's older and he's able to comprehend it better though as he's still a toddler he has trouble with his emotions" Merlin suggested.
"I hope it's just that" Morgana bit her lip. "I'm sure it is. Then again once you factor in lockdown and having had the baby, house move and whatnot. For a toddler those are major life events".
"Yeah, so he's hopefully reacting to that in a way he knows how to then".
7th May 2021
Lots of progress had fortunately been made and foreign travel would once more be allowed, with the green list of countries being announced. More people had begun to get their vaccinations, Hunith Balinor and Morgause being soon on the way to getting their second vaccines, Gaius being fully vaccinated and Mithian and Leon having their vaccines (both Moderna after new concerns about the Astra-Zeneca). Though Merlin and Morgana still had to wait for theirs, being rather young with no underlying health conditions that would make them vulnerable resulting in them being the cohort that was rather far down the list.
Amhar's troubles simply continued. He had continued to have outbursts of hitting, though also now kicking and biting which was extremely frustrating yet also saddening for Merlin and Morgana. Alongside this he'd regressed having to go back in night time nappies (pampers, which were rather expensive as he'd had a huge growth spurt and no longer fit the old size five ones he had and was up to size six) and wanted lots of comfort, especially at bed time or nursery drop off. He'd occasionally wake up during the night and would want either Morgana or Merlin to stay with him and thus Merlin ended up with him in the spare room some nights. The night before had been rather sleepless, with there seeming to be too much to do but also not enough time, Merlin and Morgana loved their relaxation time after Amhar was asleep so ended up in bed later than usual, lying awake staring up at the ceiling as he refused to fall asleep alone.
As usual, the whole family walked over towards the nursery together, Merlin and Morgana taking turns at pushing the double buggy along the path and through the park. They'd been trying to encourage Amhar to walk, though he didn't want to as he knew he'd be doing to nursery didn't want to go. Though Morgana and Merlin both agreed that nursery was good for him, he had a great time there and loved seeing all his friends after the initial few drop offs and resettling in after lockdown.
"No!" Amhar insisted as he clung to Morgana's legs. "Not going!".
"Amahr, Noah's inside if you want to go play" Kara offered. Noah and Amhar would get on extremely well and often loved to play together.
"No" Amhar insisted as he clung to his mother's leg once more. "No nursery for Amma!".
"Come on sweetheart, you have fun there" Merlin encouraged the toddler.
"Pick me up mummy" Amhar cried as he put his arms up, Morgana took him into her arms and held him close to her chest.
"It's okay Amhar" Merlin said again. "Let's go in, come on sweetie".
"No" Amhar cried as he sobbed into Morgana's shoulder.
"Also I thought it'd be worth mentioning" Morgana said. "But today's actually been two years since A-R-T-H-U-R and G-W-E-N died so it's been a bit tough"
"Thank you for letting us know" Sarah nodded. "And sorry to hear about that. Though I guess it somewhat makes sense with his recent regression and outbursts. Have you been talking to him about it?".
"We're taking him to see them tonight after work" Merlin said. "Apart from that we don't really do that much. We've told him about the adoption obviously and he knows who they are and all that. We were thinking about speaking to his health visitor at his two and a half review too".
"I'll send you an email about that next week" Sarah smiled. "Okay Amhar, let's go in". Amhar kicked and cried as Morgana handed the toddler over to Sarah and Merlin did likewise with his bag as they walked away from the door.
"Hey, he'll be okay" Merlin said as he held Morgana close to him. He'd noticed that she'd looked rather upset and close to tears herself.
"I know" Morgana sighed. "I know. I just hope he'll be okay, y'know longer term".
"He will be" Merlin reassured his wife. "We managed to get through this, we can help him too".
"I know" Morgana agreed. "It's just so hard and so frustrating. If you get what I mean, we've learnt to live with it and manage the pain on a day-to-day basis, though it still hurts, even though it's become easier but still hard at the same time".
"I don't think the pain every goes away, that we just learn to live with it" Merlin looked at his son. "And find happiness in many other ways".
"We have, haven't we" Morgana cooed at Alfie as she stroked the grinning baby's cheek. "We are going to have to head off, we have swimming today and you have to go to work".
"You gonna say bye to dada?" Merlin asked as he hugged Alfie in the buggy and kissed his cheek. "Say bye-bye dada".
"Dada" Alfie said with a grin.
"You said my name!" Merlin beamed as he unstrapped the baby and held him in the air. "You just said my name".
Alfie grinned once more, loving all the attention. "Dada".
"I can't believe he's talking already" Kara pouted. "It seems as though I've barely seen him since he's been born".
"The life of a lockdown baby" Morgana grinned. "You back at work now?".
"Yeah, yeah" Kara smiled. "Amelia's started at nursery and she's settled in rather well so that's good. It's been such a long but fast year at the same time".
"You're telling me" Morgana agreed. "We've started looking at schools which is unbelievable, this little baby will be nine months old in two days and it's been two years to the day since the accident".
"I'm so sorry" Kara said. "How you holding up?".
"Rather well" Morgana smiled. "It'd be good for us to catch up again at soft-play. Hopefully meltdown free".
"Bless him, though it's that time of year".
"We've got the kids revising for end of year exams so everyone seems to be stroppy as of late" Merlin chuckled. "Anyway, I should head to work".
"And me to swimming" Morgana said. "Okay bye, love you". She kissed her husband and said goodbye to Kara as she walked home, put the double buggy in the house and her swimming costume under her clothes (they were fortunately allowed to change at the facility now instead of having to go in with clothes on top of swim gear, though Morgana found it more convenient to change at home), strapped the baby in the car seat and drove over to Avalon.
As usual, they had a great swimming session followed by a coffee and cake with some of the other mum's in the café while the babies napped in the buggies before Morgana drove back home. Fridays were rather nice and relaxed day so Morgana played with the baby after lunch (cheese sandwich) then once he was down for his afternoon nap set about cooking dinner, doing some washing and cleaning up the house. She had a haircut booked for three and gently took the sleeping baby into the bugaboo cameleon and walked to the hairdressers. He stayed asleep while Morgana had it washed though woke up to be fed as she had her actual hair cut, after having his feed being rather curious to look around at things.
Morgana had had long hair for a while now and Alfie was at the age in which he'd want to pull at it a lot so she'd decided that she'd cut it to just below shoulder length. Alfie was extremely cuddly, not wanting to be put down and keeping his head on Morgana's chest and cuddling her in the sling as she walked to the nursery. Amhar ran out of nursery crying and came to Morgana straight away wanting to be picked up (fortunately the baby had been willing to go down).
"Was he okay today?" Morgana asked.
"He's been rather tearful and emotional, wanting mummy a lot. He also mentioned Gwen a couple of times too".
"Okay, thank you. Otherwise okay and all?" Merlin checked.
"Yes apart from all that he's been fine. See you on Monday". Amhar didn't wave and buried his head in Morgana's shoulder as she carried him and Merlin pushed the pushchair (they had the single buggy so he'd have to walk anyway but was too tired and didn't want to go on the buggy board).
"Heading over now?" Merlin asked.
Morgana nodded. "Let's stop over at Asda. Get some flowers". It only took around five minutes to walk, the cemetery being close to the school and also the nursery. They let Amhar choose the flowers, they chose some themselves alongside a packet of chocolate digestives at Amhar's insistence.
"Are these for you?" Morgana asked as they walked out of the car park.
"No" Amhar said. "They're for Arwur and Gwen".
"That's very sweet of you" Merlin smiled.
"Chocwate biccies make me happy so I hope they'll make Arwur and Gwen happy in heaven" Amhar beamed.
Merlin and Morgana looked at each other and smiled with tears in their eyes. Though there was all the hardships of parenting—sleepless nights, dealing with meltdowns, seeing their child being so sweet and thoughtful was one of the best feelings ever. At the cemetery they navigated through the graves towards the 2019 ones, quickly finding Arthur and Gwen's. It was amazing how much Amhar had changed in the last two years—he used to look much like Alfie did now with his dark blond hair and bright blue curious eyes. Amhar had always had brown eyes and not much changed in terms of that, his hair was dark brown and his eyes had always been the same. With the recent rain he hadn't been out in the sun as much though his skin remained dark.
Amhar took out two biscuits and sprinkled it onto the graves (it had been a while since GCSE/A-level biology and Merlin and Morgana were unsure as to whether they would decompose), keeping the rest in his nursery bag as they lay down the flowers by the headstones.
"Hey bro" Morgana greeted. "It's been two years since you've gone. I miss you so much. What a whirlwind of two years it's been. Amhar is now two and a half, he's very thoughtful and sweet. Me and Merlin ended up marrying and now we have our son Alfie".
"We really miss you" Merlin said. "Amhar asks about you. It's been so long but so fast at the same time. Hope your doing okay up there, though good try at avoiding a pandemic" he chuckled slightly and wiped at a stray tear.
"Why crying?" Amhar asked as he gestured for Merlin to pick him up.
"Daddy's feeling a bit sad and missing Arthur and Gwen" Merlin explained.
"And that's okay" Morgana said as she wiped her husband's tears. "It's okay to be sad, it's okay to cry sometimes when we miss someone or if we feel sad for no reason".
"I don't want to be sad" Amhar cried. "I love you, I love daddy and Alfie and Arwur and Gwen".
"It's okay sweetie" Morgana said. "It's okay. Mummy and daddy are here".
"Don't die!" Amhar wailed. "Don't leave me. Stay with me here forever".
"We will sweetie" Morgana said as she kissed his forehead. "We will".