Show me who I am and who I could be. Initiate the heart within me, till it opens properly. Slow down, start again from the beginning. I can't keep my head from spinning out of control—is this what feeling vulnerable feels like? And I will try try try to breathe, till it turns to muscle memory. I'm only steady on my knees, one day I'll stand on my own two feet
5th August 2021
"How has it been almost a whole year since this little guy was born" Morgana whispered as she looked over the cot to her sleeping baby.
"It's gone so quickly" Merlin smiled. Morgana gestured for them to exit the nursery and Merlin followed her downstairs to Amhar as he happily watched the tv and played with his toys. They began to wrap up the presents they bought for him, a ride on Thomas the tank engine (Alfie had annoyingly taken a likening to the blue tank engine, saying 'Tuh' whenever he saw it and becoming excited) and a tap and twist bench from Amhar.
"Alfie's birthday tomorrow" Amhar turned around and beamed.
"It is" Morgana smiled. "You remembered".
"Yeah" Amhar agreed. "What doing? For Alfie's birthday?"
"We're going to Thomas land, so we can go see Thomas the tank engine and go on some rides and have lots of fun".
"I don't like Thomas" Amhar said. "But I like rides".
"Good" Merlin smiled. "So you'll be good?"
"Yeah"" the two year old agreed with a nod. "I be good and have fun".
"I'm glad" Morgana smiled. "After Alfie wakes up from his nap, we're going to go to Birmingham and do some shopping, then go to eat and then the hotel".
"Okay mummy" Amhar smiled. "I pack?"
"Yes, you can help us pack if you want to".
"What we packing? Toys?"
"No, just clothes" Morgana replied.
"But mummy, that's so boring!" Amhar dramatically sighed. Their eldest son could really be a drama queen sometimes.
"There's a big park there and we're going there to sleep, then in the morning we get to go on the rollercoasters".
Amhar looked thoughtful for a moment before he said "okay, I'll sleep early then".
"Good boy" Morgana smiled. "You helping us pack?"
"I suppose so" he dramatically heaved himself up off the floor and followed them upstairs to the cabin-sized suitcase on the bed."What do we need?"
"Okay, we need some trousers for all of us, pyjamas, t-shirts, socks and underwear, toothbrushes toothpaste" Morgana listed on as she went around the house grabbing the things that they needed to pack. They'd bought some special birthday pyjamas for Alfie, green bottoms with a long-sleeved striped pyjama top that had a '1' on the chest area and said 'one' in fancy cursive writing. Amhar chose his current favourite George pig pyjamas alongside a Spiderman t-shirt, while for Alfie's birthday outfit Merlin and Morgana had bought him a paw patrol jumper that said 'it's my birthday' and an elephant t-shirt that said 'I am 1 and loved'.
"When we going!" Amhar whinged a bit. "I'm bored at home, I want to go to Thomas land hotel!"
"Half an hour ago he was whinging about the Thomas land hotel being boring" Merlin murmured under his breath. "So we're heading into Birmingham too right?"
"I've never been to the Primark there and oh my gosh, it looks amazing! So definitely then we're going to eat dinner at the bullring before going to the hotel".
"So we need to brace the credit cards then I take it" Merlin grimaced.
"Yeah and no" Morgana shrugged. "I'm back at work next month anyway, we only have Amhar's childcare costs and soon enough he'll be able to get his thirty hours".
"Good, no more childcare costs after that" Merlin sighed.
"Well technically we still do pay. For the preschool only the thirty-hour or full day kids can stay for lunch and due to the hours they do and having to get cover staff and whatnot, you pay over lunchtime. But it's a lot cheaper than the nursery. Plus Amhar gets his fifteen free hours with him being adopted by us".
"Perhaps with Alfie we could skip out nursery all together then" Merlin mused.
"Perhaps" Morgana shrugged. "Go straight into preschool. I think that'd be better, we'll see how Amhar gets on first though". Once Alfie had woken up from his nap they loaded up the big car with everything that they needed (two of the buggies, the suitcase and baby bag) before they drove off to Birmingham. Merlin and morgana agreed to go to the Bullring shopping centre, as it had a five story Primark with restaurants and hairdressers (Morgana's favourite shop and also the biggest one that existed) so they cut Amhar and Merlin's hair while Morgana had her eyebrows threaded. There were also lots of places that they could have their dinner at, eating before heading to the hotel. They walked through the automatic doors into the foyer where a little plastic man dressed in blue stood then through another pair of automatic doors to the lobby. There was a shop on the left (albeit closed) with a toy train vending machine next to it, a model carousel with a bunch of trains going around it enclosed in a glass case and more figures from Thomas the Tank Engine dotted around the area.
"Woah!" Amhar exclaimed. "I love it here".
"You wait here with the kids, I'm going to go check in" Morgana said as she went over to the desk, giving her booking reference and getting the keycard for their room. There was a train track on the floor leading to their room, the track continuing into their room. On the left was a double bed with train tracks in the carpet next to it, a bathroom first thing on the right then a giant Thomas the tank engine after the bathroom door alongside a bunk bed. By the double bed was a collection of balloons—a Thomas helium one alongside a regular red and blue one with two drawstring backpacks filled with goodies on the bed (a toothbrush, a book, a toy lion, and some bubble bath).
"Woah!" Amhar gasped. "Mummy take my photo with Thomas". Morgana smiled and obliged, they headed outside the hotel to the playground for a little while then back to their room, getting the children ready for bed and themselves before getting each other into bed on each side with Alfie in the middle as he stirred slightly and reached his hand out. Morgana shuffled over to the baby and lay on her side, pulling her pyjama top down and allowing him to feed.
"It's almost time" Merlin smiled as he looked at his phone. "Remember a year ago today?"
"I was in labour" Morgana chuckled. "Throwing up skittles, I bit your hand, high on the gas and air".
"I can't believe you bit me!" Merlin exclaimed.
"Couldn't have hurt that much" Morgana shrugged with a small smile. "Besides I've been reading other birth stories on mumsnet, someone else bit their sister. It's a common thing".
"Remember how scared we were, being moved around the hospital at midnight".
"I kept throwing the covers off and was literally being wheeled around the hospital naked!" Morgana laughed. "Oh that … that was intense".
6th August 2021
"Happy birthday little guy" Merlin smiled as he kissed Alfie's forehead.
"It was so hot last year, now I'm freezing" Morgana chuckled. "Let's see the photos". They looked through Merlin's phone together at all the photos from that eventful night. It was unbelievable that it had been a year, in some ways it had gone so slowly and in other ways too fast. So much has happened in that time that they found hard to believe—Morgana's mother still being alive and as well as she could be, coronavirus being around, being reconciled with morgause.
"It's six minutes past" Morgana announced as she cupped Alfie's head, smiling as Merlin took her picture. She had a similar one of her feeding Alfie from a year ago, it was crazy how life had evolved. "It's been a whole year since this little guy was born".
"Our little baby is one" Merlin said with a slightly sad smile. It was rather late and they knew both children were going to wake up early, so put their phones on charge on the bedside cabinet and turned the light off. They woke up very early in the morning to Amhar climbing into bed.
"Happy birthday baby" Amhar beamed as he kissed the feeding baby's head. They headed over to breakfast soon afterwards in a special room with the fat controller coming around to their table, with the children having to make a pledge to always finish their breakfast.
"It's the real fat troller" Amhar gasped as he walked away. The two year old's expression was rather unreadable, Merlin and Morgana couldn't decide if he was in awe or about to cry. They headed back to their room to get changed and open the presents, Amhar was much more interested in them than Alfie was as the baby was more interested in the wrapping paper. Amhar insisted on taking photo's of everything before heading downstairs and checking out. They went to the shop and Amhar chose a toy train while Merlin and Morgana decided to get a "happy birthday" badge and clip it onto the hood. They put the suitcases back in the car and then took our two of the buggies (their usual bugaboo cameleon and joolz aer) then walked over to the gates and queued for the opening. At ten o'clock the gates opened and they had their tickets checked before following the crowd towards Thomas land, the whole family posing for a photo outside the archway. The day was a lovely one, they rode on many of the rides and took the train to the zoo and then back again, morgana and Merlin taking turns on the bigger rides that Amhar was tall enough for but Alfie being a baby still was way to small for (a rollercoaster and a drop tower). Unlike the year before in which it had been unbelievably hot, the weather was rather different with it being slightly drizzly, cloudy and cold (they even needed their coats) though the sun had come out in the afternoon. Even though they were slightly worried that Amhar would not be happy, he absolutely loved the theme park and wanted to get some toy trains from the gift shop, alongside some matching Thomas t-shirts for him and Alfie. All in all, the baby's first birthday had been a success.
7th August 2021
"Okay so we have crisps, coke, lemonade, pizza for the evening, drinks" Morgana walked around. "Cupcakes of course, the big cake, Alfie's special cake so I think that's everything".
"We need the balloons of course" Merlin grinned as he opened a packet. Merlin and morgana blew them up simultaneously, occasionally failing leading to a trump-like sound as the balloon flew across the living room in circles with Amhar and Alfie happily giggling in response. The weather had been rather strange, alternating between being warm enough for no jumper and too cold to go without one, drizzling slightly and the sun coming out slightly before quickly going back in. The cake and food was out on the dining table with the chairs scattered across the kitchen and Alfie sat in his highchair. All their guests had arrived (they'd kept it mainly between their old Camelot friends, Merlin's parents and a couple of Amhar's friends) and they gathered around the highchair ready to sing happy birthday. Merlin and Morgana stood either side holding a plate with a pancake on it and a number one candle lit.
"No cake for the baby?" Morgause frowned.
Merlin looked at her as though she'd grown two heads. "He might be one, but that doesn't mean he's getting sugar".
"Of course because pancakes don't have sugar" Morgause rolled her eyes.
"Egg and banana so no sugar" Morgana shrugged.
"Oh no they've gone barmy" Morgause whispered under her breath. "Well, time for cake yet?"
"Soon Morgause" Morgana grinned and rolled her eyes as Merlin lit the candle and they all began to sing.
"Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear Alfie. Happy birthday to you". Merlin and Morgana blew the candle out and took it off the pancake and put it on the tray of the highchair and kissed Alfie's chubby cheeks. The year had been good, exhausting and exhilarating though it was hard to believe that Alfie was now one.
A/N: Well the stress of college finally seems to be abating somewhat. Happy December! I have finished writing stages of motherhood and have now started the next part, I plan to update this on Monday's every week/every other week (depends on if I have time between college). Oh and on a positive note I also passed my driving theory test today so felt like posting