Because he hates staying too long, they park across the street to avoid getting blocked. He holds her hand on their way upstairs to the third floor of the apartment complex.
Kyouka and Denki are outside the door. She's fixing his hair while he carries a poorly wrapped box that's sized suspiciously like a case of diapers.
It makes Katsuki feel slightly better about gifting them money. He knows it looks bad, but honestly had no idea what the fuck else to get, so he just shoved a few bills into a card and slipped his last condom in the envelope, mostly as a joke. Ochako's a step behind him, carrying a pink bag.
"Oh, hey," Denki says when he notices them.
"Hi," Ochako waves with their intertwined hands.
"Did you guys just get here?" Kyouka asks, "We've been trying to find parking for like twenty minutes."
Denki nods, "I had to double park by Midoriya."
"Oh, fuck," Katsuki says, "Don't tell me Deku's here."
"He's here," Kyouka tells him, "And he brought his daughter."
He throws his head back and lets his groan fill the corridor.
"Did you see the picture Tsu sent?" Ochako asks under her breath.
"God." Kyouka scoffs, "I almost left the chat."
"Can you imagine sending that shit and expecting people to call her cute?" he says.
Denki tries not to make his face look too disturbed when he murmurs, "Am I the only one that thinks she looks like Lord Voldemort?"
"That's exactly what I said!" he exclaims and turns to Ochako so she can vouch for him, "Isn't that what I said?"
She shakes her head dismissively.
"Guess what they say about baby-goggles is true." Kyouka mutters. Ochako takes a second to study her.
"Oh, hey," she says with a little smile, "You're starting to show a bit."
Kyouka looks down, smoothing her shirt with her hands. "You think?"
Katsuki watches Denki reach over to rub her slight belly with his free hand. He forgot they were even expecting. Which is a little troubling considering he was the first guy who found out, because Kyouka told Ochako not to tell anyone but she told him anyway.
It's fucking weird. He never would've guessed the day would come that the kids he used to sit with in a classroom starting having kids, especially not this soon.
"I mean, you don't look anorexic anymore," he shrugs and turns the doorknob.
"Katsuki," Ochako hisses, "You have to knock!"
"What for?" he asks, stepping in, "Not like we're strangers."
The apartment was a lot more spacious when he was helping them move in. He doesn't know if it's all the people and their kids running around everywhere, but the living room suddenly feels like it's the size of a closet.
Most of the women are either pregnant, or carrying their children. Mina's at the sink, cleaning her son's face with a dishrag. Momo's talking to Itsuka while her kid crawls around their feet. Camie looks like she's feeding her son.
He promptly walks over, nodding at the other women on his way to Camie. She's bent over with her kid on the edge of the table.
Katsuki kicks the back of her knee. "Hey."
"Woah, hey." She braces herself on the tabletop and then turns to give him a dazed smile, "Been a while."
"I know."
Camie takes a bite of a cracker and chews it with her front teeth. Then she puts the mashed cracker on her fingertip and brings it up to the baby's mouth. "Have you met Nagi?"
Nagi leans towards the pre-chewed food like the disgusting mess he is.
Camie's always given him milf-energy, so he finds it fitting that she'd enthusiastically take on her new role as a mother. It replaced hero on her Instagram bio. He hates seeing babies on social media. There's something inexplicably immoral about it.
"I mean, I see him on your annoying-ass stories all the time, but no. This would be the first time we've met in the flesh." he nods down at the boy. "It's an honor, kid."
Nagi looks up to stare at him. He's bug-eyed like Camie and his mouth hangs open, as if his jaw's permanently unhinged. Even with the vacant expression, he can make out his father's refined features.
"Looks like four-eyes' genes won out."
"No way." she shakes her head, "Kid's a total Utsushimi. My hair's naturally dark, you know?"
He didn't know that, but he doesn't particularly care. Upon further inspection, her roots do look a little grown out. "Oh."
"Yeah. You wanna hold him?" she asks, "Huh, Nagi? You want uncle Bakugou to hold you?"
Katsuki peers down at him again. There's mush on the corner of his lips with saliva dribbling down his chin.
"Nope."
"Why not?"
"He's fucking filthy."
"Awww," she whines, pushing the food back into his mouth. "And where's your squeaky clean baby at?"
"My kids get swallowed."
She turns her head to give him a look that says maybe that was a little too crude.
"That girl of yours is a real man-eater, huh?" she says, voice teetering up at the end like she's asking her son. He's more disturbed by baby talk than cannibalism.
"Anyway, you look kinda busy throwing up into the kid's mouth, so. See ya."
She waves him off and wipes Nagi's chin with a folded napkin. "Later, gator."
He looks over to see Deku trying to console his daughter on the carpet while Tsuyu sits on the couch a few feet away, plate in her lap. Her dark hair's draped over her face, making her skin seem ghastly. She looks drained and tiny as ever, like she never had a baby inside her.
He remembers seeing her once, a month or something before her due date, hunched over her huge belly with her limbs still scrawny. She reminded him of a spider.
"Hey, Deku," he calls out.
Deku turns his head and smiles. Suddenly a hand reaches out to grab his arm. He looks back to see Ochako frowning at him.
"Katsuki," she warns, sinking her short nails into his bicep. "Don't say anything."
He holds her stare for a couple seconds before shaking her hand off.
"Wasn't gonna." he mutters and then squats down to Deku's level.
"Hey, Kacchan," he says, using his daughter's tiny hand to wave at him.
He doesn't really understand why most of his year chose to have kids at around the same time. He gets that their life expectancy as heroes is pretty low and that the luxury of waiting isn't always afforded to them, but popping kids out one after the other severely thinned out the force and left the rest of them with an inordinate amount of work on their shoulders. Ochako and Katsuki haven't had a day off since today, and even that was spent preparing for this party instead of resting at home.
He's been busting his ass day and night for the past year, but this month's been especially tough with Deku's daughter being born and taking the number one out of commission most of the time. Katsuki's bitter to admit that bad days are substantially worse without his backup.
Deku and Shouto have kept him at third place for two years now. So even if his chances of rising to the top are in his favor for now, he knows as soon as this kid gets a little autonomy, he's gonna be left in the dust again. Fuck. He should be glad Deku's so caught up with trying to be a present father, but he's honestly too exhausted to feel any kind of appreciation at the moment.
"So," Katsuki sighs, staring down at the infant in his arms. He hadn't gotten the chance to see her or congratulate Deku because he's been so busy picking his slack up. "This your daughter?"
"Yup, this is Natsumi." he declares proudly, presenting her before him, "Say hi, Nana."
She looks up at Katsuki for a brief moment before her face crumples. They both wince as she starts wailing again.
"This crybaby?" he asks, one eye wrenching in pain, "Would've never guessed."
Deku smiles down at her. "That's probably the only thing she got from me."
He bites down on the impulse to say she also got her unattractiveness from him, because he can somehow feel Ochako's vigilant stare at the back of his head. "You kidding? She looks exactly like you."
"No way," Deku says, "I think she looks a lot like Tsuyu."
His eyes shift from the baby to her mother on the couch, trying to compare them. The kid's pudgy faced, green-eyed, and now that she's sobbing, all he can see is her dad's face. All she's missing is the freckles and hair for him to start calling her Deku too.
"Eh. I don't see it."
There's a Keroppi pacifier clipped onto her bib. Deku keeps trying to slip it into her mouth but her lips won't latch around it. "You, uh, wanna hold her?"
Why does everyone keep asking him that?
"No."
She cries harder for some reason. He briefly wonders if she ever gets dehydrated from all those tears as Deku kisses her wet cheek.
He takes a moment to observe dad-Deku. He doesn't have that ingenuous look in his face anymore. His green eyes are jaded already. Basically, he looks like shit.
Even with all that, nerd's completely smitten with the kid. She's crying murder but he's looking at her like she hung the motherfucking moon. It's almost like the way Katsuki would catch him looking at Ochako, or how Deku used to look at him. It's weird.
"Damn, Deku," he sneers, "Thought you only looked at me with those eyes."
Deku kisses her again and holds his mouth to her cheek, like he's trying to gobble her whole. Her entire face jiggles with the gesture. "Numnumnumnumnum." he murmurs and then pulls off with a moonstruck sigh. "I love her more than life."
Just as Katsuki is about to bring up Deku's infamously low self-preservation, he sees Mina walk over and his mind goes blank. There's something… striking about the way she looks.
Back then, his classmates used to say Mina had an otherworldly essence to her, but he just couldn't see it. He's honest to god never found her attractive at all, but right now he can't look away. Something about her grip on her son, relaxed but firm, defensive yet bestowing.
Maybe it's the boy himself. Sanjirou was a sight for sore eyes at the hospital after his complicated delivery. He remembers standing next to Eijirou outside the NICU, staring at his newborn son with the same wonder as a supernatural phenomenon.
No, he decides, it's neither Mina nor her son, but their bond that has him captivated. The cozy clinginess of a child and the nurturing cradle of a mother, that's what he's fixated on.
"Eijirou's outside," she says, snapping him out of his trance, "Can you take him over?"
Katsuki blinks in silence a few times before rising to his feet.
"I'll do it," Denki cuts in from behind her and takes the boy into his arms. "Hey, buddy," he croons.
Sanjirou stares up at Katsuki, as if trying to reach out. Katsuki almost extends his hand, but catches himself before he can.
"So big," Denki muses, adjusting his grasp.
Katsuki slides the glass door of the balcony open and waits until Denki walks out with Sanjirou to shut it.
Eijirou's face brightens up when he sees his son. "There's my boy."
Denki walks over and kicks Eijirou in the arm with one of his son's shoes. Katsuki claps him on the shoulder and squeezes. "What's up, daddy?"
"Oh, hey," he says, turning his head to smile at him. "Glad you could make it."
He knows Eijirou feels guilty for making Katsuki shoulder most of the work while he was on paternity leave.
"Wouldn't miss it," he mutters, scanning his eyes around the table. There are some nobodies from his old class, a lot of nobodies from the other class, and a few others he recognizes from the field.
Eijirou turns to his other side. "C'mon, Denki, hand him over."
"Wait, let me hold him a little more," he says, "I wanna get used to having a baby."
"Definitely drools like you," Katsuki mutters, walking away.
Some of the guys nod at him, so he nods back before pulling out the empty chair beside Shouto.
"That's Midoriya's seat," Shouto says by way of greeting.
"Good." he replies, sitting down.
There's a dish of peanuts in the middle of the table that he helps himself to. They're all celebrating the fact that they don't lactate with beer. He chooses to drink from Shouto's bottle since it stays ice-cold in his right hand.
But he's not completely mooching, because he shells peanuts for the both of them. Katsuki crunches loudly as he looks at the rest of his peers before growing bored of their faces. He turns to watch Shouto rub the skin off the nuts and press his fingertip on the heap of flakes before licking it off.
"Shouto, what the hell?"
"What?"
"Why are you eating that shit?" he asks.
"It's full of nutrients."
Katsuki stares at him. Shouto is the type of person to ingest semen and claim it's for the vitamins and minerals. "No, it isn't, you fucking dumbass."
"Yes, it is." he says, taking the peanut from between Katsuki's fingers and popping it in his mouth. After rolling it around in his mouth for a few seconds, he spits the bare kernel back into his hand. "Fiber and Resveratrol, among others."
Katsuki throws the wet nut into his mouth and shakes his head. "You're gonna live forever, man."
He redirects his attention to whatever's going on at Eijirou's end of the table. Denki's still hovering over him, making faces at his son.
Tetsutetsu walks up to them so Eijirou shifts his son towards him. Katsuki doesn't actually know who's closer to him now. Fatherhood changed his best friend and now he has more in common with expectant fathers like Denki and Tetsu than him.
"Say hi to uncle Tetsu, San," Eijirou says, "Say, 'how's Itsuka?'"
"Big." Tetsutetsu answers.
"She got knocked up?" Katsuki asks aloud.
"She's been pregnant like, all year." Sero says from a few seats away.
"She was actually due a few days back," Tetsutetsu explains, rubbing his arm, "Could pop any second now."
"Bro," Eijirou says suddenly, "How crazy would it be if she gave birth today?"
"Bro," Tetsutetsu eyes go wide as he places a hand over his chest. "There's still time."
Katsuki shakes his head. Tetsutetsu is exactly the type of dumbass to induce his wife into labor so that their kids can share a birthday like they do. It's embarrassing.
"Yeah," Ojiro puts in unsolicitedly, "Toru's nearing her due date."
"No way," Denki snickers, "Toru's pregnant? She's hardly showing."
There is a resounding sigh across the table. Shouto shakes his head around another sip of beer.
"I don't get it." Katsuki tells him.
"Hagakure's invisible."
"Oh."
He completely forgot about her existence and he'd sat right behind her for all three years of high school. It actually is kinda funny now that he thinks about it. Had anyone else cracked the joke, he might've chuffed.
But it's decidedly unfunny coming from Denki, so he chucks a peanut shell at him and says, "Shut up, assclown."
Denki catches it with his mouth and seems upset to discover it's empty. Katsuki turns back to Shouto.
"What about you, Scarface?" he nods, "How's your little demon?"
Shouto twists the wedding band on his left hand and shrugs. "Doing well, I suppose. Ryou turned eighteen months last week, so he's growing. He can almost run now."
Katsuki nods. He doesn't know why some parents count their children's age in months. "He a pain in the ass?"
"Not as much as any other child, but he is very loud." Shouto answers, "Not sure where he gets it from. Could be all the time he spends with his grandfather."
He thinks it's crazy that Shouto didn't invite his dad to his wedding, but leaves his son with him for days at a time. Camie and Shouto are his only two friends that ever got married, and those were mostly due to their partners' familial obligations than any real commitment. No one else is even engaged. He's pretty sure Deku still lives with his mom.
Iida's sitting a few seats across from Katsuki. Him and Camie he gets, but Shouto and Momo's marriage makes absolutely no sense to him. He simply cannot fathom how the two most closeted kids in class procreated. Their sex life just seems so clinical. He's almost positive their son was conceived in a petri dish. That, or Shouto came on her girlfriend's strap.
"In a way," Shouto says, "He kinda ruined my life."
Katsuki stares down at his little pile of peanuts. "Thought they were supposed to do the opposite."
"No, I mean my whole life is now dedicated to him, and it sucks but I honestly wouldn't have it any other way." he explains, "Like, I'm not Shouto anymore, I'm Ryou's dad."
"Oh, fuck. Are you having another identity crisis?"
Shouto blinks thoughtfully for a moment and brings a hand up to his chin. "Might be."
The door slides open, causing them all to turn.
"Eijirou," Mina calls, "Come inside. We're gonna cut the cake."
Katsuki studies her again, relieved to find that her appeal was only while she was carrying her son. He was contemplating throwing himself off the balcony for wanting to fuck his best friend's baby mama.
Eijirou cranes his neck around the watch that his son's currently trying to devour to check the time. "It's seven-forty."
"I know," she sighs and puts a hand on her temple, "But some of the kids are getting antsy, so let's just do it before everyone has to leave."
The bottles of beer are left unattended as they all rise and make their way inside. The living room is entirely too cramped now. Katsuki stands by the glass door, choosing to watch from afar. Eijirou hands his son over to Mina and wraps an arm around her waist. Seeing them all now as a family unit, he's happy for him. Even if he has no idea what kind of relationship he has with Mina, he's glad they can be loving parents to Sanjirou.
"Hit the lights," Denki says and pulls his phone out to record it. The sole candle on the cake is the only source of light in the tiny room, so people turn their flashlights on as they sing happy birthday.
Mina hoists him further up her hip. "San, San, San," she snaps her fingers, "Look, mama. Look at the camera."
Katsuki looks over Denki's shoulder, his eyes catching the screen. The little bastard doesn't even lift his head, so it's just Mina with vomit on her dress and Eijirou with drool on his shirt, smiling tiredly for the camera.
"Now blow," Eijirou tells him when the song ends, bringing him closer to the candle, "Blow, blow."
Mina cranes down to demonstrate. "Like this, mama," she says and puffs two gusts of air out.
The most Sanjirou does is gurgle and blow a raspberry at the flame. Katsuki is glad he doesn't eat cake. Mina presses her cheek up against his and blows the candle out quickly. "Yay!" she claps.
A round of very unenthusiastic applause breaks out as the lights turn back on.
Mina reaches for the plastic cake cutter and helps Sanjirou grasp it before pressing down for him.
"Good job," Eijirou says and then plants a kiss on his son's head. Mina does the same as he takes him from her and they stumble around him for a little kiss of their own.
Katsuki glances around to find the rest of the couples looking just as tired. He doesn't think any of them don't have kids.
He almost feels like an outsider, watching these guys live in a different world than him. What the fuck? He knows he should be glad to be childless, but he's not. Somewhere along the line, his peers became parents and Katsuki's feeling… kinda left out.
Ochako takes it upon herself to start distributing slices of cake while everyone gives their best wishes. He suddenly gets the mental image of Ochako being pregnant, then his mind wanders off as he starts imagining what their child would look like.
"Happy birthday, Sanjirou." Deku says, and then in a hushed tone murmurs, "Sorry, Mina, we really have to go."
"Okay," she nods empathetically, "Thanks for coming."
"We're heading out too," Tetsutestu says, locking hands with Eijirou.
Mina starts waving them goodbye. "Everybody take a plate." she calls.
Katsuki stands there and watches people crowd around, collect their plates, apologize for their children, and bid them goodnight for a good half hour.
"Dude," Denki says from beside him, spooning cake into his mouth.
"What?" he replies, picking a malteser off the edge of his slice and throwing it into his mouth. He doesn't like chocolate, but it's been fourteen years since he had a malt ball.
Denki takes another bite, unbothered. "Momo's a mess."
"Huh?"
"Momo," he mumbles and beckons Katsuki closer, "She spent the whole night crying in the bathroom."
"The hell," he frowns, "Why?"
Denki shrugs his shoulders. "That postpartum depresh is no joke."
"What the fuck is that?"
"Like baby blues but… heavier. I don't know. Something about moms getting super sad after giving birth and apparently she has it like, really fucking bad. Last week, she called Kyouka at three in the morning crying and shit. I had no idea what her problem was."
"Holy hell."
"Yup." Denki nods, wiping the plastic fork on his tongue, "That's why the kid stays with his grandparents all the time. She doesn't wanna be around him."
Katsuki blinks. He doesn't actually know how much of that is factual because Denki is known for hamming shit up, but then he remembers what Shouto told him. "God fucking damn."
There's a drooping balloon arch and three gold balloons that initially spelled ONE but Shouto's kid is currently slobbering on the E and the other two letters got rearranged so they now read as NO.
Katsuki looks around. His mom's on the couch, sitting between Kyouka and Itsuka with her face in her hands while Shouto's on the other couch, staring blankly at him. Camie's on the other end of that couch, pumping milk with Iida simultaneously trying to cover her tits and feed her cake. Their son is on the floor, licking the sofa. He doesn't get why she doesn't just breastfeed him. He's right fucking there.
Parenthood is weird.
There are half empty cups and bottles of beer scattered around the apartment, with boy blue balloons littered in between them. Katsuki shakes his head. If they weren't going to clean up, they could've at least not made a mess in the first place.
Ochako and Katsuki are usually the first to leave because he can only stand being around his old classmates for so long, but since everyone left, they decide to stay and help out with the cleaning.
He gathers up all of the stray balloons and pinches them in his fingers. "You want these popped?"
"Nah, keep 'em," Eijirou says, bouncing the birthday boy on his knee. "He'll play with them tomorrow."
He honestly thought two freaks of nature like Eijirou and Mina would've made an abomination of a child, but Sanjirou is admittedly kinda cute. Maybe he'll change when his quirk manifests, but for the time being, he's a tan boy with curly black hair and big brassy eyes. He almost looks like a Bombay cat.
He's the only decent child of his generation. Everyone else's kid is a walking shitshow. Deku's daughter ultimately takes the cake, but Shouto's baby is an unnatural combination of his dad's frigid features on his mom's severe resting bitch face. Tragic. Camie's son is both drooly and snooty. Disgusting.
He doesn't care about the rest of the kids or their parents, and the others are unborn so he can't properly compare their inferiority to Sanjirou.
Katsuki ties the balloons together and hangs them on the arch. Then he takes a seat next to Eijirou and studies his son. He's currently gnawing on his dad's frosting covered thumb. He recognizes the way Mina held her son is the way Eijirou holds him too, with a lenience that doesn't completely drop its guard.
Katsuki shoves his fists in his pockets. He really wanted to carry him. His left hand brushes against the envelope, so he pulls it out and slips it to Eijirou wordlessly.
He takes his eyes off his son and looks at the envelope. "What's this?"
"Little something," he shrugs.
Eijirou shakes his head. Katsuki doesn't understand why he's so averse to accepting cash. He suspects the guilt of the workload has something to do with it, but he knows Eijirou would do the same for him, so why can't he shut the fuck up and take it?
"I can't—"
"Just open it."
He watches him tear it open. The condom comes out first. Eijirou rushes to slip it back into the envelope before anyone can see. Then he peeks into the card and frowns at the bills inside.
"You didn't have to." he tells a tile two feet away.
Katsuki follows his line of vision and says, "Didn't know what else to get."
And then they sit in silence and stare at the same tile for a couple more seconds.
"I have condoms," Eijirou says finally.
"So use 'em."
The contraceptive is a lot less funny with Sanjirou around. Eijirou looks back down at his son, smiling softly. Something in Katsuki's chest pulls.
"Can I see your kid?" he blurts.
"You didn't get to hold San? Oh my god. Here," he thrusts him into his arms and Katsuki feels the weight.
Not that San's even that heavy, but he feels like he's holding something very delicate and dear in his hands. He's glad they're on the couch, he doesn't think he could do this standing. San looks aimlessly up at Katsuki. He blinks back down at him and feels his lips stretch into a smile.
"San, say hi to Bakugou. Say 'hi, Bakugou'." Eijirou tells him.
San says nothing, just stares up at them.
"Awwww," Katsuki drawls, "He's dumb like his daddy."
Sanjirou doesn't cry or scream like the rest of those demonchildren. He has a milder temperament. Sweet, almost. He grasps onto Katsuki's collar with a curious hand until he reaches for the thin chain under his shirt.
"So," he says, letting him get his grubby hands on his necklace, "You like having a kid?"
Eijirou regards him with a little laugh before patting his son's head. "Yeah, I'd say I'm pretty fond of the little guy."
He nods to himself, adjusting his grip on the boy.
"I should probably get him to bed. He's had a long day," Eijirou sighs.
Katsuki frowns inwardly. Barely a minute had passed. He wanted more time with him.
"Right," he says and begrudgingly hands him over. "Kid needs his shuteye."
"Uh huh," Eijirou says, taking him into his arms.
Katsuki holds eye contact with San on his dad's shoulder until they disappear down the hall. Then he peers over at the baby monitor on the coffee table. San's eyes close almost as soon as his head hits the pillow. His gaze lingers on Eijirou's hand on the cradle, watching the clock tick on his wrist. He suddenly feels intrusive for some reason so he tears his eyes away.
Ochako alternates from saying goodbye to everyone and putting stuff away in the kitchen. Eijirou comes back with a vacuum and starts cleaning the carpet. Katsuki picks a pretzel off the couch and flings it into the trash bag. The apartment is substantially cleaner than it was before.
They lock eyes across the living room. Katsuki nods over at the door and mouths, "Ready to go?"
Ochako nods and walks over to the kitchen.
"Hey, Mina," she taps her on the shoulder, "We're leaving."
"Oh, alright." Mina says, shuffling things in the fridge, "Did you make a plate?"
"Uh, no. I think we'll be alright."
Mina shakes her head and turns to the counter. Ochako watches as she starts piling the rest of the gyoza in a tupperware container and secures a lid on it. "Take it," she tells her, "God knows I'll eat it all if it stays here."
"Mina, really," she insists, "It's fine."
"Shut up," Mina says, shoving the container into her chest.
Ochako smiles and says, "Thank you."
Mina nods, "Thank you."
"Ready?" Katsuki asks from behind her. When she turns, he glances down at the appetizers. "Are there any more of those tortilla things?"
Mina takes a quick look at the empty tray in the sink before shaking her head. "I think Denki ate them all," she replies, pouring the rest of the unfinished soda cans down the drain.
"Tch."
"Gyoza's good," Ochako beams and hands him the container. Eijriou opens the door for them and exchanges nods with Katsuki.
"Drive safe," Mina calls after them.
"Will do," Katsuki says.
"'night, guys!" she waves over her shoulder and walks them out.