Nevquariel: Your wish is my command! ;)

Angie-ange: Hey, welcome back! Thanks for the request...that is definitely on my list, and will be coming up in a few weeks!

Today's oneshot is a continuation of last week's – Riku's perspective of the very next chapter. When I was writing the last one, I debated whether to continue into chapter 11, but ultimately decided not to even though I was kind of tempted. Then Nevquariel requested that I do so! So here it is...angsty post-birthday panic attack, as told by Riku.

Chapter 11 ReMix

(Runs parallel to chapter 11)

Riku's perspective

It took a long time before Meli stopped shaking in my arms and I could no longer hear every single breath she drew. My thoughts were in a meaningless whirl for most of that time. What just happened? Is she okay? What prompted that? Has this happened before?

Of course I hadn't found an answer to any of those questions by the time she finally pushed herself up off of my chest. I released her reluctantly, watching her closely as she sat up and laid her arms across her propped up knees, afraid that somehow she still wasn't alright and this whole ordeal would start all over again.

Before I could decide whether it was okay to speak, and what in the world I would even say, her lips parted and a barely audible apology came out. An apology. Again. I knew that that idiot Aiden was probably the one who made her feel like she needed to apologize all the time for everything, but sometimes it was frustrating, listening to her say she was sorry for so many things that weren't at all her fault, especially when I tried my hardest each and every day to make her feel loved and important and accepted.

This was one of those times, and I couldn't stop the loud sigh in time. "Sorry for what?"

"Sorry that...you had to see that. I didn't want you to...I never thought..."

She paused, searching for her words, but I could already feel my frustration climbing. Why can't you think more of yourself? You just went through a literal nightmare, and all you can think of now is to be sorry that I had to see it? Don't you know by now I only care about you? What am I doing wrong, that you still don't get it?

"I didn't think it would happen...with you. It's usually just a school thing and...a nighttime thing. With you I usually feel safe. So, I didn't think you'd ever have to see it."

And there it was, the confirmation of what I had been fearing over the last half-hour or so. "Are you telling me that this has happened before? More than once?"

She turned her head a little further away from me. "A...a few times. Though this was definitely the worst."

"How many times has it happened?" Why? Why wouldn't you tell me?

"Well, it's always different. I mean, sometimes it's just like a mini-version...I don't always completely lose touch with reality, sometimes I just get kinda jumpy, sometimes it's somewhere in between..."

Her rambling was only serving to increase my worry about how long this had been going on, and my anger at myself for not noticing sooner. "How many times?"

She dropped her head down onto her arms, and I wondered for a moment if she was going to answer. "A bunch," she finally mumbled. "Once a week or so to start with, now it's...every couple of days at least."

Every couple of days? My mind blanked out for a few seconds at that information, then came back full throttle. All those times at lunch or after school when she was acting weird...

"And nightmares that wake me up every single night."

She's been suffering alone for who knows how long, why didn't she tell me? Why would she do this to herself? Nightmares. She knows I have nightmares. We've talked about my nightmares. We promised we would talk about these things, but she lied. Why? Does she not trust me? Is it something I'm doing wrong, that she won't talk to me? Why do I always have to force these things out of her? Why can't she just talk to me?

My thoughts were such a frantic mess that it was a miracle I was able to keep my voice steady and level when I spoke again. "Meli, why didn't you tell me?"

"I'm sorry," she repeated automatically, and my false calm was gone.

"I don't want an apology! I want to know why! You promised me that you would tell me about these things, but you've been lying to me ever since. Every time I ask you how you're feeling and you say, 'Fine.' Every time I try to find out what's been going on with you and you tell me it's 'just stress'. It's all been lies!"

I was barely even finished with my tirade when she got to her feet and took off at a quick but stumbling walk across the yard, back toward the house, and I knew immediately that I had screwed up. Crap. Great job, Riku, you're such a great boyfriend. No wonder she doesn't want to talk to you.

"Meli! Meli, wait, don't... I'm sorry!"

She didn't stop, didn't reply, just kept walking until she had disappeared around the side of my house. I let a curse slip out under my breath, directed at myself and the whole situation, never at her, then got up and ran after her. She was still walking, though not back toward her house or the beach, but down some random side street.

Catching up, I cut in front of her and reached out to stop her with my hands on her shoulders. Her arms stayed folded and her chin was down on her chest, but that didn't keep me from seeing the tears that were streaking down her cheeks.

"Meli, I'm sorry. I know you hate it when I raise my voice at you. I didn't mean to, I'm just..." No good at this. I'm no good at this. "Come here." I pulled her into me, wrapping my arms around her back, and she let her own arms drop to her sides for a moment before eventually reaching up and grabbing fistfuls of my shirt. "You didn't deserve to be scolded, especially not after what you just went through. It's just...I'm a little shaken, honestly, from seeing that happen to you. And it upsets me to know that you've been going through all of this alone, when I could have been helping you if you had just told me. I'm your boyfriend. That's what I'm here for."

"I really am sorry." Her voice and sniffles were muffled by my chest. "I guess I just...I don't know how. I told you we both sucked at sharing."

"Yeah, but you've been making me do it anyway. This is supposed to be a two-way relationship, remember? That doesn't just mean checking in with me, that also means telling me the truth about yourself."

She nodded. "I know. I've just been so...confused, and embarrassed, and I didn't know what you would do or think, and I kept hoping it would get better and instead it's getting worse. And I've been saying that it was just stress because as far as I know that's what it is, but...I don't know how to fix it."

I wanted to address the part where she said she didn't know what I would do, but I hoped that my actions from now on would speak for themselves. "Well, I don't know what it is, but I don't see how in the world it could just be stress. Were you feeling stressed just now, in there?" I waved a hand in the general direction of my backyard.

Stepping back, she wiped her face with the heel of her hand. "No, but that doesn't mean anything. Stress can affect you for an extended period of time–"

"Stress does not make you collapse on the ground screaming in the middle of a pleasant conversation, and have no idea where you are or who's around you."

Her reddening cheeks and the crack of her voice told me I had been a bit too harsh with that statement. "We don't know that..."

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have..." Like I said, no good at this. I can't keep letting my anxiety over this affect her. Absentmindedly, I brushed some hair away from her face. "Where were you, anyway? It was almost like you were having a nightmare, but wide awake."

"Yeah, that...pretty much describes it," she muttered. "Except add in feeling like you're having a heart attack or suffocating or something on top of that." She glanced up at me, then cut her gaze to the ground. "Like I said, though, every time is different. Not every one includes...memories. Sometimes it's just the physical stuff. Kinda generally feeling scared, for no reason."

I made a mental note of all the symptoms she mentioned, resolving to try to look them up as soon as I could. "Memories. Of...being back there?"

Her reaction was answer enough. Gasping a breath that sounded more like a sob, she buried her face in her hands and shook her head back and forth violently. "I can't..."

My heart leapt into my throat, afraid I had accidentally triggered a repeat of the event, and I quickly embraced her again. "Shh, it's okay. I'm sorry. I'm not gonna make you talk about it."

For a few minutes we stayed silent. I listened to her breathing, which stayed steady other than an occasional shudder, and assured myself that she would be alright. I need to get her mind off of all of this. "Why don't we go back inside? You can wash your face off if you'd like, and I'll fix your finger, and then we can just rest, maybe watch a movie or something. I can text your family, let them know that you're not feeling well. They'll understand."

It took a moment before there was any kind of response, and when it came it was not at all what I was expecting. Shaking her head slightly, she ducked out from under my arms and walked away, still headed down that same random street. For a second I just watched her, dumbfounded, before calling out.

"Meli, wait! Where are you going?"

"Away."

What? What does that mean? I started running again, catching up to her quickly and falling into line beside her. "I don't understand. What did I say?" Now? What did I say now? I thought a distraction and some rest was what she needed.

"Nothing. I just...need to go away."

She wouldn't look at me, and she was acting so strangely. I could tell that something bad was going through her head, but I couldn't even hazard a guess as to what. Speeding up a little, I cut in front of her again, facing her. "Why? Don't do this again. Don't hide what you're feeling. Tell me what's going on."

To my chagrin, she stepped around me and kept going. "I don't want you to feel like you have to take care of me."

Okay, well, at least she's talking while she's running away. "I don't 'feel like I have to'. I want to."

"Why, because I'm your girlfriend? I'm fine. I don't need to be taken care of."

I narrowed my eyes at her retreating form. So I insulted her by offering my help? That was definitely something we needed to talk about, but maybe not right now. Breaking into a jog once more, I got beside her again. "Okay, fine. If you don't want me to take care of you, I won't. We can just go back to the party, or whatever you want."

She stopped so suddenly that I ended up a couple of steps in front of her. When I turned to face her, she was finally making eye contact, but it didn't last long. Her red, swollen eyes cut away and settled somewhere in the area of my collarbone, and her fists were clenched by her sides. "You don't have to come with me. You need to just...let me go."

I need to...wait, what? The realization of what she was saying hit me like a punch to the gut. "Are you...trying to break up with me?" Did I really screw up that badly? She can't really mean...surely we can fix this...I know I can do better...

She shut her eyes and tightened her jaw. "No, I...I couldn't." That sent relief flooding through me, but her next sentence threw me for a loop again. "I'm...just trying to make it easier for you to break up with me."

"What? Why would I do that?" She was walking away again, and I was getting really tired of this whole chasing game. I knew that she was upset and overwhelmed, but for once today, I just wanted to have an honest, open conversation without having to guess what she was thinking. Snatching her hand up, I planted my feet and held on tight, refusing to let her get away. "Would you please stop? Stop walking away, and let's just talk. Why would you think that I would want to break up with you?"

"Because I'm not the girl you fell in love with. That girl is gone, and neither of us know whether she can ever come back. All that's left of me now is this...mess that I've become, and you're way too good a person to be tied down to that. I know you, and you'd never say any of this yourself, so I'm saying it for you. I'm damaged goods, probably a hopeless cause. You should leave me now, and save yourself the trouble." The last thing she said came out as little more than a whisper. "I'll be okay, as long as I know that you're happy."

I had wanted to stop her at least half a dozen times during all of that, but she was finally talking so I let her say her piece. When she was done, though, I acted swiftly, coming around in front of her and grasping her face in my hands, tipping it up so that she could see the honesty in my face. "First of all, you are not damaged goods. You're not any kind of goods, you're a person. That person is who I fell in love with, and people change. It's just a part of life. Did I love your personality back then? Yes. Do I still love your personality now? Yes. I'm not the same as when you first met me either, am I?"

"No," she whispered.

"But I take it that you still love me, right?" When she nodded, I smiled, and brushed away a tear from her cheek with my thumb. "Good. So I don't want to hear anymore about 'that girl', because you are still her where it really matters." Passionate. Stubborn. Adorable. Maybe one of these days I'll make her a list. "And I don't want you calling yourself a hopeless cause, either. Can whatever this is be fixed? I don't know. For your sake I hope so, of course. But even if it can't, we'll get through it. Together. Because if you really want me to be happy, then you might as well just get used to the fact that I'm gonna be with you for a long time."

Loving Meli wasn't easy, had never been easy, and today I had learned that it was probably going to get even harder. But I couldn't imagine myself ever being this happy with anyone else.

The corners of her mouth lifted ever so slightly, her wet cheeks shining in the waning sunlight. "Okay." It wasn't much, but it was enough. I could tell that, at least for now, she was at peace with her place in my heart.

"Now...did you want to go for that movie I mentioned, or would you rather go back to your house? Or..." Moving my hands from her face down to her shoulders, I shot a dubious look down the road we had been traveling. "Keep going wherever it is you were going?"

She practically collapsed against my chest, clearly exhausted. "I think a movie sounds nice."

I smiled into her hair, then bent over and scooped her up into my arms. Her forehead was pleasantly warm beneath my lips when I kissed it. "Alright, Sunshine. A movie it is."

Please let me know what you thought in a review, and if you have any special requests, shoot them my way! Ideas for scenes can be as vague or specific as you want. I'll try my best to do whatever I receive!