Note: This one isn't new, but it's still hilarious...
Chapter Five: Once You Go Elf
Jaina paced in Kael'thas' room. Purple windows cast bright, eerie glow against every bare footstep.
"Why won't the ring come back off?" She tried, desperately, to yank it, but she risked hurting her finger. Jaina whimpered pitifully, "Kael'thas… what the hell did you do? This isn't your mother's ring at all, is it? This is some kind of crazy spell-locked ring. You—you hottest Elf on the shelf! Did you think I wouldn't notice! Wait, what did I just say?"
"No, I knew that you'd notice. I just had to get it on your finger before that happened. And the ring keeps you from insulting me. So… I'm the 'hottest Elf on the shelf,' am I?"
"You ass…astronomically sexy, sexy man." Jaina covered her mouth.
"And, yes, it is my mother's ring. I would not dare give you anything less. I just, let's say… enchanted it."
"To force me to be your girlfriend again? I thought we already did that, with that looney curse of tongues you put on me last semester. Arthas almost killed you over that."
"Stuffing into a locker… does not equal kill. And, as you can see, I'm still standing." He got up and stood with her.
Jaina winced and turned little circles, desperate to try and get the ring off. Then, she held out her hand, used the other to try and cast blue magic at it. No effect.
"I'm no fool. I know that I just got lucky last night, Jaina. I knew that it would happen eventually, one of these times Arthas disappeared on you. And, I always knew that I was a good enough lover, more than good enough to tempt you over to my side."
"How did that happen, anyway? Come to think of it, I don't remember you ever going out with anyone. And aren't introverted nerdboys supposed to be notorious virgins? What did you do, practice on your succubus for four years?"
Kae'lthas spoke over her, "You think this is the end, Lady Jaina Proudmoore. You wanted to tell me that we had to end this, but our night together is just the beginning. For the next three months, because I am a gentleman, and I would never force you… That ring is going to stop you from saying or thinking anything negative about me. All this 'Nerdboy' stuff Arthas got you into with me…" Kael'thas folded hands behind his back, shook his head, "That's just not on. I won't have it anymore, Jaina. From now on, I am Prince Kael'thas Sunstrider of—"
"You are Prince Jackass—Love-strider of my heart." Jaina's faced turned read. "Oh! You… you creep! Creepily cute, cutey! Ugh! I don't like that. Why would you make me talk like that?"
"I think that a woman who loves me should speak to me like that. She should adore me, forever. I would be the sun in her sky. Her very sunshine…" He gestured elegantly.
Jaina made a face at him, then she got quiet. She pulled on the ring some more, thinking. "Don't you even get it? This is weird, this is getting weirder by the moment. It's kind of making me talk like your mother, and this is your mother's ring!"
"Wait. That's not…"
"It is possible! It's happening right now! Listen: You piece of—sugar pie! I am going to kick your—asparagus is good for you, dear! …From here to Undermine! Underwear-don't forget to change your underwear in the morning."
"Huh? It made you say all that…?" Kael'thas took her hand and touched the ring, trying to readjust it with his powers. Jaina put her hand over his as he casted spells, slowly, then grabbed him and conjured blue magic again.
Bzzt!
"There! Got you!"
"Heeey…!"
Jaina yanked her hand away, smiled. But the ring was still there.
Jaina sneered at him. "…I… strongly… dislike you right now."
"Yeah, nice try though. But I'm pretty certain I would have never written a spell to make the woman I wanna shag constantly talk to me like she's my mother. I've tested that thing, many times."
"Tested it? On who? What woman would put up with you trying this out on her?"
"Jaina, you should calm down."
She gasped, "You put your mother's ring on your succubus? Ew! Were you guys roleplaying that it was me?"
Again, Kael'thas rose above that comment, "… And like I said, the ring is not coming off. It's a powerful spell lock. Three months, during which you have plenty of time to think things over, and then it's done. I'll come to you and claim it. At that time, if you hate me… or if you realize that deep down you love me… either way, we'll be, uh… getting' it on again," here, Jaina cringed, "…even if we're not getting married. But I have to say, I've already run the numbers. I'm ninety-eight percent certain that you'll fall head over heels for me."
Jaina snarled, her voice getting lower and more threatening, "How do you even know that! It's my choice whether I… kick you, or I… kick you, after three loooong months of me not being able to really, really want to kick you!" The ring came in again and corrected that to 'kiss you,' which infuriated her further.
"Lady Jaina, really. I hardly think you can resist this perfect specimen of Elfhood again." Kael'thas flicked open his robe to flash her, and then started rolling his shoulders and shimmying around her like a stripper.
Jaina winced and made a face, "So… regret this…"
"And add to that, the ring amplifies any physical feelings you have for me by about… uh, let's see… three thousand percent?"
"WHAT?!"
Kael'thas kissed her another time. Jaina gave in quickly, pushed him back all the way across the room, onto to the couch, straddled him. Then, she tossed her silver hair back, amazed. She opened her mouth in shock and swept the one clever blonde tress she wore, back behind her ear. "That… was crazy. I did not mean to jump on you just now. Also… I hate to admit it, but your strip tease wasn't so bad, Kaely-kun. You just need a bit more rhythm and a lot more sass—Why am I saying this? Dammit! It was a dorky dance, this stupid ring!"
Kael'thas could only lie there, grinning.
"You are a fool—"
"A what?"
"A full of… fascination and hotness guy." Then, she blinked out of it, " 'Full of fascination and hotness guy?' Seriously?"
"Hey, my words out of your mouth… not technically mine."
"I am going to find a way to unlock this damned ring." Jaina tried pulling it off her finger again, but it still wouldn't budge. "And when I do, I am going to teach you the true meaning of pain… Painful spankings, please!"
"Oh, really? Don't mind if I do, Jaina…" Kael'thas hugged her flat against him, grinned, and swatted her on the backside with repeated glee.
"Get off of me!" Jaina got down from the couch and stomped away. "And I'm staying away from you, you freak! Until I figure this thing out." Jaina went into his bedroom to change. Then, the ring made her shout, "You big, sexy freak!"
"That's the stuff!" Kael'thas folded arms behind his head, stretched out and crossed ankles on the couch. "You know, that ring is going to keep drawing us back together, again and again. All I have to do is relax here and wait. You'll have no inhibitions anymore when it comes to me, if even a small part of you wants to kiss me, or grope me… Ahh, I really wouldn't mind a bit of groping. Girls don't do that enough to guys." Kael'thas frowned and became lost in thought.
Jaina came back, fully clothed, and marched up to him again. She had put back on her beautiful sparkling blue graduation gown from the evening before. The front dipped low and was trimmed with soft blue feathering. She wore matching fuzzy blue cuffs on her wrists also. With the jewelry, tiara and cape she now stuffed angrily in her purse, it was an impressive, slightly seductive look. Arthas would have whisked her away in it, had he been there. That had been Jaina's original plan, clearly, to snag Arthas' attention back, not snag the loony king of the Highborne dorks. Jaina angrily drew the string on her evening bag, to cinch it tight and closed. Then she swung it over to her right hand. "I've got something for you. Stand up."
Kael'thas' smile was delighted, "Yes, ma'am!"
Jaina slapped him with a strong left, hard.
Kael'thas, now on the floor, felt the side of his face. It hurt horribly.
"Yep. Looks like yo' momma's ring doesn't mind if I smack her son from time to time. Makes sense. I heard she was a practical woman. Unlike you…" Jaina had turned the ring so that the stone was on the inside of her hand, just so she could hurt him with it.
Being an Elf, you know… of course, Kael'thas had a mirror on the table nearby. He went to check how he looked. He saw the blue bruise on the side of his face.
"You see? I'm already finding the loopholes. I give this ring foolishness a day, tops. You messed with the wrong mage this time, Kael'thas." Then Jaina leaned in, "And what is wrong with you, anyway? Crafting a ring that forces a woman to love you? Are you really this desperate?"
"I didn't need the ring to have you sleep with me, last night."
"No, and I am shocked you didn't trick me into wearing this thing beforehand. For the last four years, you would have needed it. Right? I mean, we both know…" she got in his face, snarled, "We both know you didn't have a chance in the Maelstrom before Arthas upset me close to graduation. And then you were so sad last night, crying about how you wouldn't see me around campus anymore, and everyone at the bar was going over all those old times, drinking so much. More drinks and more drinks… I saw how you waited until we were the last ones at the party. I saw how hard you tried. And we were both so sad, weren't we? Then I throw a little pity sex your way and you propose marriage? As if." She turned her back and fiddled with the ring again.
Kael'thas stood there. "…Don't say that."
She turned around again. "Well, that's what it was. What did you think it was?"
"We made love. We did it because we really, truly like each other. We get along together. You laugh at my jokes. I thought we always laughed, together."
"I just didn't want to hurt your feelings last night. But I think I need to hurt them now." She raised her hand with the ring. "This is manipulative, you creepy—cutey—warlock. I swear, as long as you live, you will never get a real woman to love you, acting this way. In fact, you're hopeless… No, the ring wants me to say you're 'hopeful.' But that doesn't even make any sense. You're not the hopeful one, I'm hopeful. That you'll finally leave me alone after I get this thing off my hand."
"Jaina…"
"Don't 'oh Jaina' me. Look, this is how it's gonna go down. You. You're leaving here and you're going back to Silvermoon City with your royal tail between your legs. Next, my boyfriend—my fiancée—is coming back to Dalaran with a perfectly good explanation… and Arthas and I will get married, and my father will be there too, and I will be the Queen of Lordaeron, and we are going to have lots of babies running around Tirisfall Glade and wherever else we want to go in our kingdom, as a happy family. And you will just have to sit alone in Silvermoon with your… warlock tendencies, and deal with it."
"Jaina, please, I didn't mean—"
"I am tired of doing this with you. How many times does a man need to be rejected before he gets it? Maybe you… turned out to be really hot in the end. Okay? But today I learned that you are also slimy—sexy, there it goes again, replacing my words—arrogant—or adorable—and selfish—sumptuous… as hell! Arrgh! And, you're a weirdo—a wonderful person." Jaina sighed, checked down at herself to make sure everything was fastened along the sides of her dress, "Whatever, you know how I really feel about you, that I was insulting you. Just be a man for once, Kael'thas, and deal with your failures. Like you're the first guy in existence who got graduation sex and then got dumped." Then, Jaina picked up the skirts of her graduation gown and rushed out of there.
"Jaina, will you please let me explain?" Kael'thas blocked her at the door, "I did what I did because I… okay, maybe there was a little revenge in it. I was tired of Arthas, and yes, you… teasing me all of the time. I wanted you to just genuinely appreciate a few nice things about me, before the end. To say that I'm attractive, to want to spend time with me and not have it be about studying, to want to sleep with me, to admit that you… I wanted to see what it would be like if you could just…" he swallowed, looked around, rather than feel how his eyes were stinging, "Let the Elf thing go. Maybe I'm not Human, maybe I do come from a magical kingdom that seems strange to you, maybe it even feels backwards sometimes… but at home I am not entitled, or overly emotional, a nerd, or pathetic. I am a man. A man who keeps his hair better than you do, yes, and feels comfortable expressing his feelings, maybe more than Human men tend to, fine. And maybe I obsess about the details. But I am still a man, with an important role to play, as important as Arthas, and it isn't easy when no one else outside of Quel'thalas understands that. Won't you at least try to see me as someone you could be with?"
"If Quel'thalas is so important to you then why did you come all the way out here to annoy us Humans? Maybe you should have stayed on your own planet."
"I came here to get the best education Azeroth has to offer. I came here because I want to be part of the Alliance and I really want to experience what that means, in its fullness, not like my ancestors did, avoiding any real meaningful interaction with Humans... All I ever wanted to do here in Dalaran was to study, and to be treated like an equal. And then, I fell in love. With you, Jaina. I didn't expect to do that. I'm trying to do the best I can, Jaina, please…"
"No. And now you're trying to force me, as best you can, Kael'thas. The very thing you said you wouldn't do. And don't go telling me that it's some High Elf custom, forcing a woman to marry you."
"It's Highborne, and it's just a ring, Jaina."
Jaina cried with frustration, "It's an engagement! You forced me to get engaged to you… when Arthas sees me wearing this—if anyone sees me wearing this, the [Heartblood of Anthene], your mother's ring, he won't want to marry me and you knew that. You had to know that! You do get that, don't you? You just broke us, me and him! And how am I ever going to explain this to Arthas? He's already so upset about… I can't."
Kael'thas was past his limit as well. He got in her face. "You'll tell Arthas that you finally shagged Kael'thas Sunstrider like you were supposed to, after making me wait through four pointless years of 'let's just be friends.' "
"Hey! No woman owes you sex, don't even go there with me.. Least of all me, because I'm already with someone else. And I thought we really were good friends, Kael'thas."
"All I wanted was a chance, to not be treated like 'that weird Elf kid' in the room!" Kael'thas shouted her down, "…and second, you're gonna admit to Arthas that it was good—another shocker, that you deserved—when calling a man a nerd, or a virgin, or after all those succubus jokes, it doesn't automatically make him into what you assume he is. And, third, you tell Arthas that you're coming back home with me to Silvermoon to be my queen, to be loved by a real man, and share my bed forever. Because hey, here's a novel idea, why shouldn't you marry a handsome prince who's also great in bed, a talented Bloodmage, and who's done nothing but treat you perfectly while that overblown paladin psycho runs all over the countryside ditching you every five minutes? Duh!" Jaina went pale. Kael'thas grabbed her hand with the ring, "As if I care what that pisshead Arthas thinks! If Prince Arthas doesn't like that I finally stole his woman after four loooong years of trying, then he can just take it up with my guards."
"Stoppit, you're hurting my hand!"
"Admit that you love me. It's in there! It's in your prejudiced, fluff-headed little skull, I know it is!"
Jaina tried to pull her hand away and started crying, "You're so horrible. You're such a selfish, cruel monster. After all these years and I thought we were friends, at least that… Yes, I teased you, but it was only teasing! You get me back with this?! You try to force me, and you degrade me, and you break my heart… what's the difference between you and Arthas? You keep picking on him, but it isn't easy on him either and you just won't let it alone..." She sobbed, wouldn't let herself say any more along that vein, "Kael'thas, you're a prince and he's a prince… do you really think I'm that shallow? That a bigger ring is gonna fix it…" She tried to twist out of his grip, ended up shouting it at the far wall, to the whole room, "But I love Arthas!"
"Jaina, that's not what this is. I just… I wanted you to see me."
"You can't love the woman you want… Well, you won't let me love the man I want to love!"
"Please, just… Jaina… I should not have yelled. Lower your voice."
"You let me out of this room, let me out right now, Kael'thas Sunstrider! You let me go, or I'll scream the whole Spire down, and the whole Arcanium, too, I swear. I never want to see you again!"
Jaina wouldn't stop crying, though the ring kept correcting her speech. In the end, she was just afraid of Kael'thas and wanted to get away from him, and ring or no ring, that was clear enough to Kael'thas. It was the precise opposite of the night before. Kael'thas felt like a failure, again. He didn't know what to do. In the end, he stole the kiss goodbye he wanted, felt her fighting him back through it all, then opened the door and pushed Jaina out of the room.
Kael'thas slammed the door behind him, locked it. "I didn't mean to hurt you, I swear I didn't, Jaina! …Jaina?"
Kael'thas only heard Jaina crying, screaming at him, and running down the stairs.
[Heartblood of Anthene]
+ 5,000 to Spellpower
+ 5,000 to Intellect
+ 5,000 to Damage
...A shard from the heart of the most beloved Queen of Quel'thalas.