Out of the Woods (The Walking Dead)
Honest:
It had been a week since the walls were breached in Woodbury. For most of those days, Suzy couldn't bring herself to come out of her apartment. The shock of it all brought her back to a time she didn't want to remember. She kept scratching her legs, her arms, and the back of her neck to make her mind ease, but it did absolutely nothing. The night of the incident, she put herself in the shower to wash off all of the walker blood and residue from the wall debris when they cleaned everything up. She had no appetite so she refrained from eating. Instead, she spent all the time in her day to stay in her bed and cry then sleep then wake up to start over. She heard Martinez come to the door at least once every day to check on her. She never answered because she didn't want to see anyone, especially Martinez or Merle.
A harsh knock on the door broke Suzy from her thoughts. It's probably just Martinez again...She ignored the knock so she could continue laying in her bed. Another harsh knock made her lift her head in confusion. Whoever was at the door clearly wasn't going away when they knocked again even harder than the last one. Begrudgingly, Suzy pulled herself out of bed and shuffled her way to the door. To say the least, she was surprised on who was on the other side.
"Rise and shine, darlin'." Merle said as he let himself into her apartment.
"Can I help you?" Suzy asked when he brushed past her to get inside. He immediately went into her room to pull out a pair of her black jeans and v-neck. "What are you doing?"
"Never mind what I'm doin'," Merle replied, tossing the clothes onto her bed, "You're gonna get dressed and you're gonna go out on a run with me."
"Excuse me?" Suzy scoffed, "I'm not going anywhere right now."
"No, you've done enough hidin'. Now you're gonna get up off your ass and do somethin'."
"And what exactly are we going out to get?" She asked, "We've been pretty stocked on supplies I thought."
"While you've been spendin' your time cryin' and hidin', the walls got done." Merle said, "Governor is throwin' a party tonight."
"So then what are we going out to get?"
"Booze, silly girl." Merle almost laughed. He saw the scratch marks all over her and noticed her hand going to the back of her neck while she stood thinking. He quickly went over to smack her hand away to stop her from doing it. "Now get ready so we can go."
"I think this is a job you can handle yourself." She said, making him stop in her bedroom doorway.
"You know Governor's rule. No one goes outside the walls alone."
"True." Suzy nodded, "Then why can't you take someone else? It's not like you want me with you. What, did the Governor assign me to go just to piss you off?"
"No," Merle said sternly, "I said I was takin' you with me to get you out of your damn room. So knock off that attitude and get ready. I better see you down by the main gate no later than ten minutes from now. Got it, girly?"
Suzy grimaced at him. She rolled her eyes and glanced down at her clothes on the bed. Sighing, she reluctantly replied, "Fine."
Merle nodded then shut her door to give her privacy. She heard him leave to go wait for her by the main gate like he had said. She sucked it up and did as he said, getting dressed in her usual clothes and grabbed her knives to put around her belt. Who did he think he was? Marching into her place like he owned it and telling her what to do? This whole time, she figured he didn't give a shit she locked herself in and wasn't talking to anybody. She could hear him through the wall on a lot of occasions and he seemed to be...Well, living his best life with whatever woman he brought home. Now he was making her come out to go on a run with him? She didn't know why he had that idea since the last time they went out on a run she had kissed him and then things got weird. It was obvious he was still pulling his shit of treating her like a child from him bossing her around. Why couldn't he pick one? Either wanting her around or not being bothered with her?
When she wasn't lying in her bed thinking about her dead family, she thought about him almost unwillingly. As much of an ass as Merle Dixon could be, and he could really be an ass, she couldn't help but feel a little bit better about the world, its circumstances, and her place in it all. As obnoxious as he could be, especially after a night of drinking whiskey with the Governor, he was the only person who could make her laugh and forget about all the death. At the same time, thinking about him also made her feel frustrated because of how he had been acting as of late. At the very least, she still appreciated him being her friend. It wasn't like she was exactly friends with anyone else around besides Martinez. As much as him barging in frustrated her even more, she had a hunch it was probably his indirect way of trying to help. Perhaps there was hope they could rekindle whatever they had before. In order to do that, he was right; she had to put her attitude aside. She also had to be honest with herself. What exactly did she want?
After she felt she was presentable to where one wouldn't know she had been in her bed crying for a week, she left her apartment to go meet Merle at the main gate. To her right, she spotted Martinez talking to Crowley. He noticed her right away and smiled at the sight of her. He gave her a wave and she waved back.
"Morning, Susan." Suzy nearly jumped at hearing the Governor's voice in front of her. She turned and saw the Governor standing there smiling like he was proud of her or something. "How you doing? I see you're finally out and about."
"Yeah." Suzy nodded, not knowing what else to say.
"Don't beat yourself up. Everyone was scared that day." He said, "Martinez told me about what happened at your other camp. I'm sorry you had to see all that, I know it couldn't have been easy."
"Thanks." Suzy awkwardly replied. She couldn't help it. He never talked to her too much and it was always a bit intimidating when he did. Him being the leader created this feeling of separation between him and the rest of the people, like he was higher than everyone else. He made the rules and made sure they were obeyed. She had yet to find out what was supposed to happen if those rules were broken.
He gave one of his chuckles in attempt to ease the awkward atmosphere, "Well, I just wanted you to know I'm glad you're taking the time to get back in the swing of things. This town needs you. Hell, it could fall apart without you. You're one of the best soldiers this place has to offer."
"I appreciate that." There was something about what he just said that made her feel really weird. She didn't know how else to describe it other than weird. This place, fall apart without her? She doubted that for sure. Did he want something from her? She gave a smile smile as she looked up at him, "Merle's expecting me at the gate. I shouldn't keep him waiting any longer."
"That's right. Going out to get supplies for the party tonight?" The Governor grinned, "I won't keep you. And, Susan?"
Suzy went to make her way to the gate, but stopped when he said her name again.
"I hope to see you joining in on the celebration tonight. You should. They don't bite," He licked his lips as he smiled, "That's kind of the whole idea of the place."
"Yeah, I know." Suzy nodded, "Thanks."
She made sure to not walk away so quickly for the Governor to notice. Like she thought before, something about the things he said that were just weird. It was as if he were trying to sound sympathetic, but was actually trying to make sure she wasn't planning on going anywhere; making sure the breech incident didn't make her want to leave Woodbury. She also realized he mentioned Martinez telling him about the West Virginia camp getting overrun and her having to kill her mom. Should she be angry with Martinez for that? She didn't know how she should feel about the Governor of all people knowing something like that about her. If she wanted him to know that, she could have told him herself. She couldn't be mad at Martinez though. He only would've mentioned it if he was trying to help. The Governor must've been asking around about her. Why would he do that? Out of concern? Or something else? She wasn't sure whatsoever. She just knew it wasn't something that made her feel comfortable.
"'Bout time your ass showed up." Merle said with his usual cocky smirk as she approached him at the main gate. "Come on now, we're on a tight schedule."
Merle opened the gate door and Tim jumped down from the watch post so he could close it when they left. Suzy silently followed Merle to the same car they used when they went out on their last run together. The dirty silver Chevi.
"What?" Merle broke the silence after they got into the car, "Not gonna make your little comment how the one with two hands should drive?"
Suzy didn't respond. She only stared out the window with the same sad expression she had on her face when he showed up at her door.
"Come on, girl. I'm just messin' with ya." Merle nudged her thigh with his blade he had for hand to get her attention, "Hey. This is for your own good, girly. You need to do somethin', because I sure as hell ain't gonna let you hide in that room of yours anymore. You understand that, or do I have to repeat myself?"
"I get it, Merle!" Suzy snapped, finally turning to face him. Realizing her tone, she calmed herself before she spoke again, "I get it. Sorry."
"Hey if you're pissed, take it out on the dead." Merle started the car and drove off.
"I already said sorry. I don't like being a bitch, okay? My mind is just a lot sometimes."
"Nah I get it." Merle nodded, "And I don't mind ya being a bitch, just long as you're not always a bitch to me. It's fun seein' ya all mad sometimes."
"Yeah?" She said, "Why?"
"'Cause you're such a little thing, ya know?" Merle chuckled, "It's like watchin' a lil' squirrel."
"Shut up-" Suzy punched his shoulder, making him laugh.
"Come on, that was like a baby hittin' me," Merle chuckled, "You're gonna have to do a whole lot more than that to hurt me, little one."
"Call me little one again and maybe I will."
"Ooh! Look who's all tough now." He was clearly mocking her playfully and it actually made her laugh.
"Shut up!" She said again, punching him harder. That one did hurt him a bit, but he wasn't going to say that. Instead he laughed at her some more and noticed she was actually laughing.
"There it is." He said after he looked away from the road to glance at her in the passenger seat.
"What?" She asked.
"That smile of yours. Was wonderin' where it went off to."
Suzy found herself blushing at what he said. What was she supposed to say to that?
"I didn't think you cared about that."
"Course I do." He replied as he continued driving, "Not like it's something that you do often. I try to appreciate it when it comes around. Got a problem with that?"
"No." She shook her head. "I like yours, too."
"You better, or else." He joked. They pulled into the liquor store that wasn't too far from the community. It was within a small shopping plaza that had been mostly looted dry of food, water, and medicine. The liquor didn't seem to be a popular item of looting, which was a bonus for them. Merle opened the unlocked door and banged his fist on the side to call over any wanderers on the inside. The sound only brought one over to them, which Merle easily took out with his blade hand.
"Come on," He said, entering the building. They stepped over the corpse on the way in then began looking around. Merle made sure to mention his and the Governor's love of whiskey and to make sure they got a lot of it, to which Suzy made a disgusted face.
"I hate whiskey." She grimaced.
"What?" Merle gasped, "What's wrong with you?"
"Nothing." She giggled. She grabbed a bottle of Titos, "Now this is my shit."
"Vodka?" Merle shook his head, "And to think I was takin' ya for a champagne kinda gal."
"Oh I like wine, don't get me wrong." She replied, "But not white. Reds are the only way to go for me. Whites and pinks are like drinking nail polish remover. Smells like it too."
"We'll still grab a few of each just in case, 'kay?" Merle grabbed one bottle of red and one of white, "First rule when it comes to this, girly, is that the cheap shit is better that fancy crap over there."
"No debate there." Suzy smiled, helping take some bottles and putting them into her duffle bag, "Careful, I don't want them breaking all over the place."
"Now we just need a few cases of beer, and that whiskey. Governor drinks some good shit."
"Then I'll trust you with the whiskey. I'll grab some of the basics when it comes to beer. Doubt anyone will care what kind it is."
"True that." Merle replied.
Merle grabbed some of the Governor's favorite whiskey while Suzy gathered a couple unopened boxes that had cases of beer inside and put them by the door. She even snuck in that bottle of vodka she picked up before, including a sweet blueberry Smirnoff.
"Hey, Merle?" Suzy asked while they packed the liquor into the trunk, "Mind if I ask you a weird question?"
"I like weird questions." Merle replied, "Hit me."
"Okay, um-" Suzy took a deep breath, "Do you like the women you bring back to your place?"
"What?" He chuckled like she was joking.
"You know, do you like anything else about them, or is it like what we all know the Governor does?" It was one of those open secrets of Woodbury, at least amongst the lookouts. Merle wasn't the only one bringing a different woman back to his place almost every night.
"Not like anything I hadn't done before." Of course "before" meant when the world was still normal. He chuckled again, "Why? We too loud for ya?"
"I mean, yeah. But that's also not why I asked." Suzy buried the memories of hearing Merle and whoever he was with through the wall. She took another deep breath as they continued packing the stuff in the trunk, "So you're not a relationship kinda guy then, right?"
"What are you gettin' at?" Merle's tone suddenly sharpened to a more serious tone. They finished loading the stuff, thankfully. He had a feeling he knew what she was trying to get at, but she only continued beating around the bush.
"I don't know," She responded, which was really annoying not only to Merle, but herself as well. "I wish I did, but I don't yet. It's confusing."
"Can you speed this up and spit it out?"
"I've done a lot of thinking since I've spent my time alone." She explained, "A lot of it was about my friends and my family and how much I missed them. Almost losing Woodbury made me relive everything else I already went through. And I didn't think I could take it. Woodbury could've easily ended up like what happened in West Virginia."
"It didn't."
"I know it didn't. It didn't because we all pulled together to take back what's ours." She continued, "I could've died. I was ready to. But you made me get up off my ass and pull it together so we could win. I was spending so much time being upset that I didn't think about thanking you for that. You saved me, more than once, and didn't let me give up. You could've. Why?"
"Like I said," She could tell he was visibly getting uncomfortable now, "Didn't want you to die."
"And I don't want you to die. You've had my back when you didn't have to. Through all of this shit, you've been my best friend able to help get me through anything. Even this, what we're doing here. If you didn't come make me get off my ass and drag me out here, I would still be locked up crying in my bed doing nothing. You make me do something." She wasn't sure why, but she felt herself getting emotional. She knew for sure seeing her cry was gonna make him want to run away, so she held it back as best she could, "I-I don't know what this is, and I'm sorry if I'm making things weird again. But the other thing I was thinking about was the fact that I need to learn to be honest with myself. So I'm trying to be honest right now. I don't like hearing you bring random women back to your place. I don't like when you try pushing me away by either avoiding me, or treating me like I'm a little kid. I don't know why, but I do and that's that. Do you have anything else to offer me for reassurance right now?"
He didn't say anything. His icy blue eyed stare intimidated her. It was like she had frightened him and he was trying to act like he wasn't really bothered. She jumped when he slammed the trunk shut with his left hand. He didn't say anything when he made his way back to the driver door. She followed him to stop him from silently going back into the car.
"Nothing?" She said once she caught up to him. She slammed the car door shut so he couldn't get inside, "You really have nothing after all I said?"
"What? Huh?" He said, his tone sounding offended and loud. He got louder with every word he spoke, "You wanna talk about honesty? You wanna know what I was before this world went to absolute shit? I was nothin' , nothin' but some drug usin' redneck who's been to jail prolly more times than the amount of years you've been alive! And yeah, I fucked around with all kinds of women and still do because I like women and I didn't give a fuck where they'd been. I got the Clap more times than I can count and if shit was still how it was, I wouldn't give a second look at ya because I'm old enough to be your daddy. How you like that, huh? You might think this is all 'cause of my daddy, huh? Maybe it is! And you're gonna tell me that if shit was still how it was you'd give even a first look at someone at me? Take that baby shit somewhere else, girly."
"Hey-" Suzy slammed the door shut when he tried opening it, "What does it matter who we were before? Who gives a shit, because I don't! What's wrong with you, huh?"
"What's wrong with me?" He gave a sarcastic smile then wiped it away immediately, "I just told ya! Now shut up and get in the damn car. This is done."
"No."
He gave her a stern look like he was getting really angry, "Get. In. The damn car."
She didn't budge. Why couldn't she drop this? He didn't know. Who did she think she was? Thinking she could just be this great person and appear in his life like she did? After everything he said, she still persisted. He knew he didn't deserve it.
"Merle," He saw the tears welling in her eyes. She came closer and reached up to put her hands on either side of his face, "Don't be like this, please."
He pushed her hands away with his one hand and scoffed, rolling his eyes. He seemed to be thinking for a moment while he stared at the ground.
"Go feed this crap to your little buddy Martinez." He raised his head to look her in the eye, "Go on. I'm sure he'd love it, 'cause I sure as hell don't."
Suzy didn't hesitate to smack him across the face this time. She was right, he was an asshole. At this point probably nothing more than that. He didn't flinch when she slapped him or even say anything. She went around the car to get in the passenger seat and slam the door shut. He stood there a minute to beat himself up in his mind. He sighed, hating hurting her feelings like that.
"Damn," He muttered, rubbing the scruff on his face.
Once he felt like he had his shit the least bit together, he got back into the car and started the engine. They both knew there wasn't going to be anymore conversation on the way home. Suzy had herself turned towards the passenger window so she didn't have to look at him. He made no effort to try cheering her up this time. He sped back to Woodbury as fast as possible so they could get out of the stuffy car.
She had seen Merle angry before, who hadn't? If she knew that would be the reaction she would get, perhaps it would've been best if she kept her mouth shut. Unknown to her, Merle really did want to say he was sorry, he just had no idea how to say it. "Sappy shit" was never his forte. He never apologized for anything in his damn life, neither did he ever want to. There was something about being the one responsible for making Suzy feel like that. It didn't feel good and he didn't like it. He convinced himself it was for the best. It had to be. She had yet to realize it herself, but he knew what she was really getting at. Everything he said to her was every example in the book as to why they could never be. It was all bullshit examples, though, because he knew the real reason. She just could never know what it was.
When they got back to Woodbury, she left the car so fast before he could say anything. He figured she was going back to lock herself in her room, something he couldn't blame her for. He had Tim come over to help unload everything from the trunk.
"She okay?" Tim asked, picking up one of the boxes that had the cases of beer inside.
"Right as rain." Merle replied, throwing the duffle bag over his shoulder.
"You sure?" Tim said, "She looked really upset when she came through the gate-"
"I said she's fine." Merle snapped, "Now let's get the job done before I have to knock you out."
Tim made no argument and helped him unload. Inside the gates, everyone was intermingling with ice cold lemonade. Merle saw no sign of Suzy, declaring she indeed did go back to her room. The Governor looked around, happy at what he saw. He stepped up and gathered everyone over into a crowd so they could hear what he had to say. Once everyone settled down into silence, he spoke to them.
"Last week," He began, "We suffered a great loss. There was a breech in our wall and the dead came and attacked. We came so close to losing this place and I can't tell you all how many times that thought ran through my head that night. Anyone else would've let this place fall, but not you. This town wasn't saved by me, it was saved by you. To those who stepped up and fought to keep Woodbury alive so we all could live to see this day are the bravest warriors this new world has to offer. And we celebrate today in honor of those we lost, but also for the soldiers who lived to see what they were fighting for. The walls are completed now, and those same soldiers standing with you today are willing to risk everything to defend them." That was when he smiled and raised his whiskey glass, "So today, we celebrate how far we've come. We remember those we lost. We raise a glass to us!"
The crowd cheered at the Governor's speech. Suzy watched from her living room window. What a load of shit, she thought. False modesty was always something that made her cringe in annoyance. She didn't know what it was, but she was realizing there was something that just wasn't right with him. He reminded her of a corrupt politician. She had no interest in this party of his. Merle would be there partying with them and she didn't want to see him. Then again, maybe she should. An idea suddenly popped into her mind. She went into her bathroom and pulled out some supplies she found under the sink. She knew what she wanted to do now. She was going to go to that party, and she was going to make sure Merle regretted every asshole thing he said to her.
Merle spent his time at the party drinking that vodka Suzy had put into the duffle bag. There was no sign of her as of yet. He hung around the Governor mostly, since the Governor was keen on taking him under his wing and training him to be a valuable member of Woodbury. The Governor hung around Milton, so he was forced to talk to him, too.
"Come on," Governor laughed over the country rock music playing, "Drink some real liquor."
The Governor took the vodka bottle from Merle and replaced it with a glass of whiskey.
"You're right, Governor." Merle chuckled, drinking the whiskey.
"That's more like it." Governor grinned then drank from his own glass. "Any of you seen Susan around?"
"She ain't comin'." Merle scoffed.
"You hurt her feelings or somethin'?" Governor asked, "I want everyone to be here, to join in. She knew that."
"I'm sure she'll come around."
"What do you mean?" Milton chimed in, "She's right there."
"What?" Merle turned around to look in the direction Milton was pointing. His jaw dropped at the sight of Suzy standing there.
She was across the crowd, standing there awkwardly with her arms crossed in front of her. She wasn't sure if she knew how to act in a situation like this anymore. Parties weren't something she thought she'd see again. Like the other women, she had makeup on, making her skin look absolutely stunning, the eye shadow really making her gray eyes pop. She wasn't lying when she said she was a makeup artist before. Even with little to work with, and with stuff that wasn't hers, she was able to make something happen. Her short black hair was clean and pin straightened with its usual half pony tied around the back. She didn't have her knives on her belt tonight. She had her usual black skinny jeans, but had replaced her black v-neck with her low cut black tank top with a black shawl to cover her shoulders. For some reason all of it together just really sculpted her body so well. The dark red lipstick made him realize how gorgeous and perfectly full her lips were.
Merle rushed towards her. He had seen and been with so many women of all shapes and sizes throughout his life. So he knew for sure he had never seen any as stunning as she was. He remembered how he saw her when he first met her. When he first met her, he thought she was the hottest little thing to ever cross his path. He saved her hoping he could get something in return. And at the time, she was covered in blood, dirt, cuts, and bruises. If she looked that stunning as a hot mess in the woods, he could only imagine what she looked like at peak potential. This was that peak potential.
"Hey," She said, giving an awkward wave when he came over.
"Listen," Merle said, "I know I can be a dick sometimes, right?"
"Try all the time." She replied.
"Right." He nodded, "Listen, I ain't no angel who makes any apologies. There ain't a lot of times where I'm proud of myself for things I do. I don't know why I do the things I do. I'm a damn mystery to me."
"All things considering, you're a damn mystery to me, too." She felt like this was Merle's way of trying to apologize. So she replied, "Apology accepted. If that's what you were trying to say."
"Yeah." He said, nodding. She could see the thoughts turning in his head. "Was just hopin' we could get past it."
"Sure. I think we can do that."
"Hey," Martinez appeared next to her and handed her a beer, "I got you one."
"Thanks." Suzy smiled, taking the bottle from him.
"It's no problem." He smiled and put his arm around her waist, making Merle stare at them in confusion. Martinez seemed to notice this and brought his attention to him, "What's up, Merle? Governor's got you drinkin' his usual stuff to get you shit faced?"
"Hell yeah." Merle made every effort possible to make his response sound like he wasn't bothered.
"Speaking of the Governor, there's actually something I need to ask him." Martinez turned to Suzy, "Would you mind waiting here for a sec? You can come with me if you wanna."
"No, you go." She replied, "I'm good here."
"Sure, no problem. I'll be right back." Martinez then removed his arm from her waist so he could put his fingers to her chin to perk her up. He left to go over to the Governor after that, leaving her and Merle alone once again.
"You and brownie boy, huh?" He fake laughed, "Can't say I'm surprised."
"Well you told me to 'go feed this crap' to Martinez," Suzy quoted him, "So I did."
"Ay, I ain't judgin', girly." Merle put his arms up in pretend surrender, "I just have one question."
"What?"
His tone became serious again to show he really meant what he said. He asked, "Does he treat you right?"
She was surprised by his question. She didn't expect him to ask something like that, and she was pretty sure that is the most sincere she's ever heard Merle Dixon speak. She nodded in response.
"Good." He nodded back, "It's what you deserve."
Suzy checked for a sign of him possibly joking, but she didn't find one. He wasn't joking at all. He meant what he said. She wanted to tell him that she wasn't sure about how she felt for Martinez. He was so nice, but she wasn't sure if she saw him in that way. She kind of did, if that made any sense. However, she couldn't tell Merle any of that. After what he said, even if he apologized for it, she didn't feel like she could confide in him anymore. As for Merle, he watched her leave to go join Martinez in talking to the Governor, the Governor wasting no time telling her how happy he was she came. He saw Martinez's arm around her again as they drank their beer. He knew he was going to need a lot more whiskey to get through tonight. Yeah, he apologized-kind of- for being such a dick earlier when she tried talking to him about feelings. Only he had so much more to say. He wanted to not only say sorry for being a dick, but also for pushing her away like he did. He wanted her, but he couldn't ever have her, and that wasn't her fault. He wanted to say he was wrong. He realized he wanted her so bad it hurt. He wasn't used to wanting a woman he couldn't have. He always got any woman he wanted with his "Dixon charm". But not this one. Not this time. He didn't notice when she turned back to see where he had gone because he left to go drink his thoughts away in his apartment.
Everything he said to her was every example in the book as to why they could never be. It was all bullshit examples, though, because he knew the real reason. He had to be honest with himself about that...He didn't deserve her. Not now, not ever. Not someone like him, a nobody. She was the reason he was still alive. He owed her so much and couldn't provide it. Even after everything he said to her, she still didn't want to give up on him, only for him to push her away even more. Like she said, she didn't care who he was before. But he did, and that's what mattered. He was nothing but white trash. He knew he didn't deserve her. Once he was honest with himself about that, there was nothing else to do except move on. That was something the Dixon's were good at.
And that was exactly was what he was going to do...