Out of the Woods (The Walking Dead)
Sick:
Eight months. Eight months had already passed, but it might as well have been eight years. Eight months ago, Merle promised Suzy they would one day escape from this place. Eight months and Suzy hadn't seen more than a few feet past the walls. No runs, no evening or overnight shifts. Once nighttime fell, she was expected as everyone else to be away off the street. The biggest break she had was getting the privilege of helping the other guards help carry away the dead biters from the wall to burn them. Of course she couldn't even do that without being eyed down to make sure she didn't try going anywhere. It felt like wherever she went she was being watched like she was some traitor, especially when everything first happened. Martinez was the only one willing to cut her a break. She couldn't even do her jogs in the morning around the perimeter now. It was nothing but the same walls over and over and she couldn't take looking at them anymore.
It took Merle this whole time to completely gain the Governor's trust. Go out on his runs, kill with him, kill for him. Drink with him at his parties. Listen to all his troubles like he cared. No more drugs and even take beatings when he had to in order to "whip him into shape" as Governor put it. Luckily that was in the beginning and didn't need to happen anymore. Becoming the Governor's second in command was an achingly slow process. This winter in particular was a tough one. No one was used to how cold it got, Milton saying the temperatures were reaching freezing during the night. Suzy felt like the only person who didn't feel like it was that bad, seeing that New York's winters were far worse than what they had to deal with here. They stocked up on as much supplies as they could and grossly limited the amount of runs they took out of the town. She knew she could've handled the runs a lot better than the rest of them, but that wasn't good enough to let her go. Lately it seemed like no matter how hard she tried cooperating, it still wasn't good enough. She didn't want to seem impatient, but she wasn't sure how much more she could take. When was their opening for an escape going to come? It had to come at some point.
Suzy punched the punching bag they had put in the corner of their living room area of their apartment. At this point, it was now the only thing helping her keep it together. You know that's not true, she thought. She always imagined it being the Governor's face when she punched it over and over. His manipulativeness, his lies, his fish tanks, his hand around her throat, the reasons for wanting to cave his head in only kept piling up as the months went on. She punched the bag until she didn't feel like her knuckles could take anymore.
Suzy sat down on the couch to unwrap her hands from the bindings. She removed the gauze from her knuckles, blood having soaked right through them. All the wounds from yesterday were reopened. There was one on every single knuckle, only she didn't feel the sting from how much she hit the bag. Grazing her fingers over the wounds, they indeed all felt numb. She went to the bathroom to clean them up once again. Was it safe to shower right now? Apparently the hot water is getting short...
Suzy put on her black boots and headed out to chill in Milton's office for some of his tea. Merle was already out and about at the crack of dawn with that kid Gargulio, showing him the screamer pits. She already told him how the kid couldn't be trusted with their secret and true feelings about the Governor. They couldn't trust anyone, actually. Martinez, Pete, Crowley, Shumpert, Tim, Milton, the list could go on and on.
"It's definitely not only the bag," Suzy whispered to herself. She couldn't help but think about Merle again. He didn't have to go through all of this just for her. Why was he anyway? Why did he care so much? Even though there were many times where he pretended he didn't, she could tell he did. Whenever she tried getting any other kind of emotional intimacy out of him, that was when he would shut down and either walk away or get upset. Perhaps it was because Daryl is dead. Well, they didn't know that, not for sure at least. It was simply something Merle came to terms with a long time ago. From his words, it was easier to assume the worst than hold out false hope his brother was alive, surviving out there somewhere. Suzy thought the same for her sister. Everyone they ever knew was dead and there was nothing they could do about it.
It was better to leave the past in the past.
Since she didn't have a shift on the wall that day, she decided to eat in the apartment then head out to Milton's office to help him with preparing things for an experiment he wouldn't shut up about. When he wasn't asking her for something in specific, she did what she usually did in his office, which was spinning herself in the rolling chair over and over. She liked it here because it was the only other place besides the apartment where she wasn't being watched or spied on. Milton was pretty loyal to the Governor, but he wasn't a blabber mouth like Martinez, at least when it came to her.
"Hey, Milton?" Suzy nervously spoke up, "What do you think of Merle?"
"I'm not sure what you mean," Milton replied, remaining focused on writing in his little journal.
"Just-" Suzy stuttered, "What do you think of him?"
Milton immediately looked up from his writing and spoke with a concerned voice, "You don't like him, do you?"
"What?" Suzy chuckled like he was joking, but he simply stared back at her attempt of brushing off his question with judgement. She buckled down, "Is it that obvious?"
"It's none of my business," Milton replied, sipping his tea, "But yes."
"Damn it!" Suzy kicked the desk in frustration.
"To be honest, I thought someone like him would've tried something with you by now." Milton sipped his tea again.
"Yeah you'd think." Suzy sighed, "So what should I do about it?"
"Well he's a bit old for you," Milton replied. Suzy looked at him as if asking if he really said that, to which he awkwardly retracted, "But that's none of my business either-Would you please hand me that file right next to you? Thanks."
Suzy picked up the file, which had steps for the experiment. She got up from her seat to go hand it to him. Once he had it in his hand, he glanced at her rather sad expression and decided to suck it up and actually answer her question.
"In my humble opinion," Milton said, "I don't find someone like him to be very respectful. More like un-evolved, actually. So I personally don't really care for him."
"I was afraid of that." Suzy frowned.
"But hey-" He said, "Don't let what I say stop you."
"What do you mean by that?"
"It's just that, you seem disappointed-by what I said, I mean." He continued, "So I think that means you already made up your mind."
"What? That I should tell him how I feel?" Suzy gave a sarcastic chuckle, "Yeah. Tried that. Didn't work out so well."
"Couldn't hurt to try again, could it?"
"I guess not." She shrugged. She actually one hundred percent thought it could hurt to try again. Only it would be worse because she actually knew how she felt this time around, versus the last time when she wasn't sure. But Merle could see it already, and he decided to run away from it. The last thing she wanted was to lose him, especially if it meant it would be her fault. She didn't know if she could bring herself to take that kind of rejection again.
As if things couldn't get anymore awkward, Merle decided to burst through the door with the Governor, Martinez, and the kid Gargulio at his side.
"How's it goin' in here?" The Governor so cheerfully asked. Suzy went stiff in her seat at the sight of him and averted her eyes to the floor.
"You even try leaving like that again, I'll take off Merle's head and put it in that tank right there."
Suzy stared at the heads in the tanks, envisioning Merle's head joining them because of her.
"Do you understand?" He whispered, "Or do I need to take you right here, right now to prove my point?"
He choked her to the point where she couldn't see clearly and she couldn't speak or even scream.
She hadn't forgotten. Yet he pranced around like it never happened. She had to act like it didn't bother her. She didn't want to give him the satisfaction anymore.
"Another party?" Milton asked, not sounding too thrilled. Suzy wasn't sure how much of the conversation she missed. She just hoped it wasn't obvious what she was thinking about.
"Totally," The Governor grinned, "It's gonna take some extra power, but I think it's worth it."
"Well, I have an experiment soon, and I think-"
"Oh shut up." Merle groaned. One thing was for sure, she definitely couldn't blame Milton for feeling the way he did about Merle. Their personalities were way too different.
"But here's another idea," Governor said, "Remember those Gladiator fights people used to love watchin'? You know, before everyone had T.V. and novels that could be mass printed. Sport is the thing tying society together."
"You're saying you want to hold a gladiator fight in Woodbury?" Milton asked, confused.
"Better," Governor replied, "Instead of a cage, we'll use biters, teach these people there's nothing to be afraid of. And it'll all be staged to make sure no one gets hurt, like pluck the teeth outta all the biters."
Milton hesitated to respond, "That sounds-"
"I'm in." Merle immediately accepted the idea. In Suzy's eyes, he even looked like he was excited about it.
"Then I am, too!" Gargulio said enthusiastically.
"No way," Merle replied, shutting him down.
"Why not?"
"Number one, you don't got the skills for it," Merle said, "And I would end up smashing your teeth in. Only you won't know if it's on purpose or by accident."
Gargulio gulped nervously, "Got it."
"Well then if you're doing it, then I'm in." Martinez said, crossing his arms over his chest. "If it means I get to kick your ass."
"I'd smash your teeth in too, pretty boy." Merle rolled his eyes.
"I'd like to see you try, old man."
"Oh will you two stop it?" Suzy spoke up, obviously annoyed. "Can you guys have one conversation without turning it into a pissing contest?"
"He starts it," Merle pointed at Martinez.
"Yeah right." Martinez groaned.
"Hold it, you two." Governor pointed at them, "Save it for the ring."
"Better hope I don't come crackin' down too hard." Martinez gave a sly smile to Merle.
"Listen here, boy-"
"I said save it for the ring." Governor spoke sternly. "And Susan?"
Suzy lifted her head at the sound of him saying her name. It had been so long since he's even acknowledged her like that.
"Y-Yes?" Suzy said, trying not to sound intimidated.
"Feel free to join them in picking out the biters from the screamer pits."
Was he for real? The screamer pits would be the furthest she's been from the walls since before winter. Was there a catch?
"Sure thing, Governor." Suzy quickly replied. Should she thank him? Is that what he wanted?
"Good." He nodded. "Let's roll out and take inventory to see if there's anything else we need."
The Governor, Merle, Martinez, and Gargulio left together after that. Once the door shut, Milton spoke up.
"Still think you want to try again?" He asked, referencing back to their conversation earlier.
"Good question." She replied.
Once sunset came around, that meant time for mandatory curfew, which meant back to the apartment to prepare dinner before Merle got home. She didn't mind doing it, since it was the least she could do being stuck within the walls for who knows how much longer at this point. She said goodnight to Milton and wished him luck on his experiment, then headed back to the apartment. She thought about what Milton said as she cooked. She asked for advice for questions she already knew the answer to. The problem was, would it be worth it? No, she had to keep it to herself for both of their sake. Was what they had not good enough already?
"Evenin', darlin'." Merle said, "What's for dinner?"
Suzy and Merle were a few drinks in after dinner. This was something they did every night since she started living in his place. Plus, whenever Merle went out on a run he always made sure to bring DVDs back for them to add to their collection and watch at night. Half the time it resulted in Merle making fun of whatever they were watching. If they weren't watching something, Suzy would always ask Merle to tell a story from his life before. He always had some crazy reason to why he was arrested, it usually being because he lost his temper with the wrong person and beat the shit of them. Suzy always had herself comfy on the couch by curling her legs up and having Merle's right arm around her shoulders. It had to be his right since that was his amputated one and needed his left hand to hold his drink.
"Now that's just sappy as fuck," He said, referencing the movie and sipping his whiskey.
"Oh come on," Suzy laughed, elbowing his side slightly, "Reminds me of how me and Brian were back in the day."
"And who the fuck was he?"
"My boyfriend." Suzy replied.
"Don't remember you mentioning him before."
"Why would I?" Suzy said, "He's dead like everyone else is."
"And lemme guess, only guy you've ever had since you was in high school."
"No," Suzy shook her head, "There was a few before him, too."
"I'm supposed to believe you were getting laid before all this?" Merle laughed, obviously teasing her.
"Is it that hard to believe?" She gasped.
"Damn straight." He said.
"I could say the same about you," She giggled, taking his drink and setting it down on their coffee table then grabbing the remote to pause what they were watching, "I'm supposed to believe your so-called Dixon charm worked on everyone?"
"Anyone that it was meant to," He replied, "Lately, though, that's a different story."
"What, not getting any?" She was surprised when he nodded so nonchalantly, "No way."
"What?" He scoffed at her attempt at embarrassing him.
"Nothing."
"Yeah, well-" He shook his head, "Not like there's a lot of women around here to choose from now, and you bein' here fucks it up anyway."
"Oh so it's my fault," Suzy teased.
"It is!" He replied, "Ever since you started your whinin' and cryin' before ya even lived here, I've gotten shit."
"Wait," Suzy paused to process what he just said. Ever since she said she didn't want him being with other women, he actually stopped getting with other women? That had to be almost a whole year at this point. Plus the eight months she's lived here, she didn't know if she could believe it. "You're serious?"
"Yeah," Merle shifted uncomfortably in his seat.
She had no idea what to say to that. He had no obligation to please her yet he did anyway and she didn't even stop to think about and notice. Not until now anyway. Was not saying anything really the right decision then? She remembered back when they went to the medical supply warehouse, when she had made her first move. She didn't think he would, but he rejected her then for a reason she didn't know. And after a year surviving together, living together, fighting together, she didn't think she could keep everything she felt buried anymore for the sole reason of not upsetting him.
She remembered what Milton said earlier. To everyone else, he was bottom of the barrel quality. But she didn't think that, not anymore. He loved to read, make her smile, kill biters, go through hell and back to protect the people he cared about, and he sure as hell loved his brother, wherever he was. He made his mistakes, but she had no doubt he was a good person at the end of the day.
She felt like she would end up regretting it, but she didn't care. They were so close already. She leaned in and kissed him. To her surprise, he wasn't stopping her this time. Perhaps it was the drinks they had, or the fact it had been so long since he had done anything with a woman that he decided he didn't care. It had been a long time with her too. Martinez was nice, but she never did anything with him. Merle always thought they did, but he was wrong.
It was like they were both desperate for it. The kiss only became more and more heated as their mouths opened so they could share tongues. She was surprised when he so aggressively pulled her by her hips to bring her to his lap with his one hand. There was a lot more heavy breathing than she expected, but that didn't bother her one bit. His lone hand cupped her butt while both of hers held the back of his neck while he encouraged her hips to grind into his. Despite it being a long time, he was really good when it came to kissing. It made her heart start feeling like it was going to pound out of her chest.
Unfortunately, Merle came to his senses once again. He removed his hand and broke the kiss.
"What are you doing?" Suzy panted for air and leaned in to kiss him again, but he put his hand on her shoulder to stop her and hold her back. "What's wrong?"
He didn't say anything in response. He only shifted her back over to where she was on the couch so she was no longer on top of him. She wasn't sure whether to scream, cry, leave, or all of the above.
"I'm gonna ask you one thing," She said, trying to sound as calm as possible, "Is me wanting to be with you so wrong that-"
"Yeah." He said sternly, not looking at her. When she went to put her hand on his cheek he smacked it away and stood up, "Especially bein' as young as you are."
When he stood, he began pacing the living room floor with his hand and bladeless stump on his hips. Even though he was still avoiding looking at her, she stood up to finally give him a piece of her mind.
"You know what?" She said, pointing her finger at him, "I don't know where you got this from, but I wish you would stop acting like I'm some innocent little kid. In case you haven't noticed by now, I'm a grown ass woman. I may not be from Georgia, or lived half my life in the woods, or be the same age as you, but I think I'm old enough and competent enough to make my own damn decisions. And who are you to say you're too old for me? If I was gonna thin that, I would've by now."
"You listen here, girl-" He finally turned around, but she interrupted him.
"No, you listen, you fucking redneck piece of shit!" She shouted, shocking him to where he didn't think he had the ability to speak anymore. She continued, "I even ended it with Martinez months ago because I didn't want him, okay? I wanted you. And another thing is when you and I first met all you did was try swinging your fucking dick at me, so don't act like you're a saint all of a sudden acting like I'm now some innocent repulsive child you need to take care of!"
"You know what, you little fuckin' bitch?" He shouted back at her, getting in her face. It didn't scare her one bit since she was so done with it, "I said it before and I'll say it again! If the world hadn't ended, you wouldn't've looked twice at a guy like me! You'd be with your precious little pretty yankee boyfriend. A man you could grow old with. So stop actin' stupid like that ain't the truth. Because it is!"
Suzy stood there silent for a minute. She thought about what he said and the sense it made. He really did make a point that was tough to disagree with. Merle sighed as he looked down and rubbed the top of his head in stress.
"You don't know that."
"What?" He looked up, confused.
"You don't know that." She repeated, "You can't know that. And what does it matter now? As far as I know, the world went to shit anyway, everyone we know is fucking dead, and I'm standing here ready to hold my heart out to you. And you know what else? You're an empty-headed piece of shit for turning such a good thing away because you're scared-"
"That's enough-" Merle said as she began getting in his face.
"You're scared," She taunted him, "You're scared because you don't know what to do with yourself. All you've done your whole life was waste it by fucking around every way you could. You have no idea what to do with a good thing when it's standing right in front of you."
"I said to quit, girly!" She could tell he was getting pissed now that she was clearly hitting a nerve in his weird area now.
"No!" She said.
"Get the fuck out!" He shouted back.
"No!" She said, standing her ground, "Not until you stop acting like an asshole!"
"I said get the fuck out!"
"Fucking make me!" She gave him a slight push, which was what really set him off.
Merle attempted to restrain her as she escalated to screaming and trying to smack him in the face. Having only one hand, he used his body to pin her against the wall so she would have no choice but to stop and calm down. She tried to get out of his grip, but it was too strong. Once she tired herself out, she didn't know what else to do except to start crying. She was feeling so many things at once, it felt like crying her eyes out was the only thing left to release them. Why was she trying so hard for someone who clearly thought himself damaged to the point where he didn't deserve anything good?
He would never admit it, but seeing her cry because of him hurt in a way he didn't understand. He always acted insensitive and he wished he was able to show how he really felt. He let go of her wrist since it didn't seem like she was going to lash out anymore. He cursed under his breath and used his hand to caress her pale, soft cheek and wipe her tears away. This was a time where he wished he had both hands to do this with. He did his best to hide any sign of remorse from his face, only because showing it to someone else was too difficult and uncomfortable. Instead, he used his hand on her face as his way to make her look up at him. When he did, she seemed to calm a little more, probably because she was feeling incredibly confused.
He couldn't take it anymore. She was damn good at kissing (and he realized her anger was, as he would put it, hot as fuck) and he wanted more of it. He wanted all of her the second he laid his icy blue eyes on her in the woods being chased by biters. He planted his mouth on hers, making her freeze in confusion again. Would he pull his crap again and push her away? Or was this time finally for real? Since Merle was the one making the move, she decided to assume it was the latter.
Her arms were around his neck again and in no time he picked her up with one arm and brought her to what would now be their bed. It was his, then hers when he brought her here. He took off her pants as she unbuttoned his black shirt. Suzy decided to remove her own shirt and bra as he unbuckled his belt. He gave it to her as if they would both be dead by tomorrow. For all they knew, they definitely could be. If she didn't stubbornly refuse when they first met they would've done this a long time ago. She didn't know how she could be so stupid either for that. It was so good, they predicted they could go the entire night without resting. Deep down she kept expecting him to tell her to stop. However, he had no intention of saying such a stupid thing ever again.
After all, they were all they had left in this world. It was about time they both started acting like it.