Out of the Woods (The Walking Dead)
Arrow on the Doorpost:
Suzy didn't realize how many things happened throughout the week. Rick, Carl, and Michonne went out on a run to gather as many guns as they could to help match the fire-power the Governor was packing. Then Andrea came to organize a meeting with Rick and the Governor to negotiate terms in attempt to keep all that fire-power from being used. Surprisingly enough, both parties agreed. Now the day was today; the day of the meeting. Suzy insisted she go, wanting to be of help, but Rick declined.
"Since I have Daryl comin' with me, I need you to help hold down the fort here. Keep an eye on Merle for me." Rick had said. Of course, Suzy thought. Merle had been doing fine the entire time they'd been here. The only issue was his tension with Glenn. Glenn was ever so slowly coming around, though it didn't make anything less awkward between them. He may have gotten over his anger, but she didn't think there was any way he would ever forgive Merle.
Merle watched as Suzy helped with loading up all the new weaponry. While Rick, Daryl, and Hershel were gone at the meeting, the rest were organizing the guns and putting them in places they'd need them in case of a fight.
"Carl, come here-" Glenn said, handing him a box of bullets, "You stash these at the loading dock, all right? Beth, put more up on the catwalk. If anyone gets pinned down, we need to make sure that they have plenty of ammo. I'll go work on the cage outside."
"What we should be doin' is loading some of this firepower into a truck and payin' a visit to the Governor," Said Merle, gesturing to all of the guns, "We know where he is right now."
"You suggesting that we just go in and kill him?" Glenn asked.
"Yeah," Merle replied, "I am."
Michonne spoke up, "We told Rick and Daryl that we'd stay put."
"I've changed my mind, sweetheart," Said Merle, "Bein' on the sideline with my brother out there ain't sittin' right with me."
"Killing him is not what they're there to do," Said Suzy, "We can't just run over there and start firing without them knowing we're even coming,"
"She's right," Said Glenn, "The three of them are right in the middle of it, no idea we're coming. They could get taken hostage or killed. A thousand things could go wrong."
"And they will," Merle insisted.
"It's not our decision," Suzy tightened her voice, trying to discreetly tell him to stop talking.
"My dad can take care of himself," Carl snapped.
"Sorry, son. But your dad's head could be on a pike real soon," Merle's comment made both Suzy and Maggie sigh and roll their eyes. Carl didn't even acknowledge he heard him and left the room to go do what Glenn asked in the first place.
"Don't say that to him," Maggie said. Merle raised his hand in surrender to silently apologize for overstepping.
"It's not the right move. Not now, " Said Glenn, "Can't take the risk of putting them in the crossfire. It's my decision, it's final."
Glenn left to go check on things outside. Merle scoffed where he stood. Suzy decided to bite her tongue on the situation, not wanting to make it any worse. Instead, she turned her attention to Maggie.
"How's things with you and Glenn?" Suzy asked.
"I don't know," Maggie replied.
"I understand where you're coming from," Said Suzy, "He did something to me too once. It sucks."
"I'm sorry-" Maggie said, giving Suzy a look of sympathy.
"Don't be," Suzy glanced up at her, "I left all that behind when I left that terrible place. I'm sure Glenn means well. He just doesn't know what to do with his feelings about it yet."
"Yeah," Maggie frowned, "I guess I don't either."
Merle clenched his jaw when he overheard them talking amongst each other. He remembered that morning when he found Suzy so scared and broken, those marks from the Governor putting his hands on her. He remembered that rage he felt with the impulse to go over and kill the sick fuck. He knew it was his fault. He went out looking for her and brought her back. He had left her alone with the Governor, not knowing what would happen. And now his brother was out there with the Governor, who-if he really wanted to-would kill anyone who showed up to that meeting. He didn't want to be responsible for another person he cared about getting hurt by the same man he should've killed long ago. Before he could even comprehend what he was doing, he maneuvered himself over to the guns with a duffle bag in hand and started packing.
"Merle, what are you doing?" Suzy asked. What were they supposed to do? They couldn't simply stop him from leaving.
"You stay here, sweetheart. It's too dangerous out there," Merle replied to her. As he said that, Glenn returned from outside and saw Merle packing up the guns.
"Hey, you're not going," Glenn said, shutting the door behind him.
"I don't need permission." Merle replied, continuing to pack up the guns.
"I can't let you," Said Glenn.
"You can't stop me," Merle grimaced.
"If you're gonna live here with us, it's gonna be on our terms," Maggie spoke up. Merle ignored her and zipped up the bag to head out.
"Merle, stop-" Said Suzy, but he forced his way past her.
"If Michonne can do it, why can't you!" Maggie called out, making Merle turn around in anger.
"'Cause it's my brother out there, that's why!" Merle shouted, "What's the matter with y'all!"
"Merle!" Suzy shouted back, trying to stop him from leaving by tugging his arm, "You're not thinking clearly! You need to calm down-"
"Don't you tell me to calm down, sweetheart. You stay here now," Merle pulled his arm away and went up the steps, only to have Glenn block him from the door.
"I'm not gonna let you put them in danger," Glenn spat.
"Nut up already, boy-" Merle snapped at him, pure malice in his tone, "This guy cops a feel of your woman, and you pussy out like this? Get out of my way."
He knew he was completely projecting there, but meant it just as much to Glenn when he said it. Glenn's expression darkened.
"No." Glenn said sternly, looking him in the eye. Merle nodded, not able to take this kid's shit anymore. He lunged at Glenn, yelling at him to get out of the way. They ended up fighting and tumbling down the stairs, causing Suzy to initially back up to avoid them falling into her. She yelled and yelled for Merle to stop as he pinned Glenn down.
"Get off!" Maggie rushed over onto Merle's back and got him in a chokehold, demanding he get off of Glenn. Michonne rushed over to grab one of his arms to pry him away. A gunshot made them all freeze, turning to see it was Beth shooting at the ceiling to make all of them stop.
"Let me go!" Merle shouted, shaking everyone off of him, "Let me go!"
Merle stood up and turned around, seeing everyone's disappointed looks. He wanted to tell Suzy he was sorry. Seeing the look of not only disappointment, but slight fear in her face made him feel so much shame. He sniffled and walked off, not wanting to see them all looking at him that way. Maggie helped Glenn stand up while Suzy ran her hand through her hair, trying to compose herself. Glenn left the room to go stand watch in attempt to also separate himself from the situation and cool down.
"I-I'm sorry," Suzy blurted out, not knowing what else to say to them.
"No, it's not your fault," Said Maggie.
"I know, but-" She sighed, "I'm supposed to be the one keeping an eye on him to make sure he controls himself. Only he doesn't really know how to control himself, which is the problem."
"Hmm," Michonne made a slight chuckle of agreement, "Give them both some time to cool off."
"Yeah," Maggie agreed, "I'll go check on Glenn. Make sure he's okay."
Suzy left the building to pace the courtyard. Was this incident going to be brought up with Rick when he got back? She hoped not. She wanted this to work more than anything. Why did Merle have to be himself to a fault? He was so impulsive, which was the reason almost all that's happened happen. What if they won against the Governor? Would they still be allowed to stay here? Or rather, would Merle still be allowed to stay here? Merle was right, she did want to be here so badly. Him leaving would mean she would leave too.
"Hey-" A voice broke her from her thoughts. She immediately recognized it was Carl.
"Oh, hey." Suzy replied awkwardly, "You've been out here all this time?"
"Yeah," Carl nodded, "I was thinking about taking watch over at the gate until my dad gets back."
"He's gonna be all right, you know." Suzy said as they both gazed out past all the walkers in the field, "I'm sorry about Merle, if he upset you. I've been trying to work with him on not being too honest on what he thinks, you know?"
"It's fine," Carl replied, giving a small smile, "I've actually always kind of liked Merle."
"Really?" Suzy smirked, crossing her arms over her chest.
"Yeah. He's tough and can be funny sometimes. And he's usually nice to me, at least I think."
"He told me you're a good kid."
Carl's smile faded, "I don't know about that."
"Why?"
"Because..." Carl frowned, "I don't know."
"Would this have anything to do with-" Suzy hesitated. Should she say it? "-Your mom?"
Carl didn't answer. He simply looked at his feet to hide his face under his hat.
"You know," Suzy shifted awkwardly where she stood, feeling herself getting uncomfortable. She fought it, knowing it would be better if the kid heard what she had to say, "I had to kill my mom, too."
Carl looked up, the sun making his blue eyes sparkle and add definition to the small freckles on his cheeks, "Really?"
"Mhm," Suzy nodded, "Back when all this first started. I didn't want to, but I had to end her suffering. So, I get it."
"Yeah, but-I was always so mean to her. I was a bad son."
"Hey-" Suzy said sternly, "Don't say that. And anyway, I was mean to my mom a lot, too."
"You were?" Suzy nodded yes. She shifted even more uncomfortably.
"When I was seventeen, my dad was in an accident." She said, "Him and my mom had this stupid fight, I can't even remember what it was about. He was a cop, a lot like your dad. To get out of the house, he took a call from his partner and he left to go chase down this guy who stole a cop car after robbing a store. The guy apparently made a sharp turn and my dad crashed. He died on the airlift to the hospital. Seventeen-year-old me decided it was my mom's fault."
Carl ducked his head down under his hat again. Suzy continued.
"I was so mean to her for a long time. Absolutely nasty and relentless. And I could never understand why she would never say anything back to me. She always just took it."
"Maybe-" Carl raised his head, "Maybe she knew you didn't really mean it?"
"Yeah," Suzy nodded, patting his shoulder, "I think the same goes for you and your mom. There's nothing you could've ever said that would make her love you any less. It took me a long time to realize that."
"I just wish I could've told her I'm sorry." Carl frowned.
"Me, too." Suzy replied, "So do yourself a favor. Don't make yourself wallow in guilt to make up for all the wrong things you said. It doesn't make anything better. Trust me on that."
"Thanks," Carl replied, "Hey. You wanna join me and Carol at the gate for watch?"
"Are you sure?"
Carl gave a small smile, handing her one of the guns he had in his hands, "You're one of us."
Suzy couldn't explain how that made her feel. You're one of us. Should she say thank you? She wasn't sure. She gave another pat on his shoulder and took the shotgun he offered her. They walked over to the gate to meet Carol to start their watch for Rick's return. Deep down she knew this whole negotiating with the Governor thing was pointless. The Governor wasn't someone who was physically capable of negotiating. She could only hope nothing happened out there. What would they do then?
Michonne finished packing a duffle bag of guns and ammo. She tossed her sword over her shoulder and clutched the straps of the bag in her hand to go bring it to where she needed to. Merle approached the open doorway, watching her walk by.
"You know I'm right," Merle said, making Michonne stop in her tracks, "The folks here, they're strong, good fighters. But they ain't killers."
"Rick is," Michonne replied, "Maggie is. Carl put down his own mother."
Merle shook his head, "Mercy killing. That don't make him an assassin."
Michonne chuckled, "But you are."
Merle chuckled back. She could see the frown he was trying so hard to hide, "When I have to be."
"Then how do you explain letting me get away?" He could tell she was toying with him now. She knew very well why he failed in his mission to kill her that day in the woods.
"I must've been seduced by your sterling personality." Merle joked, earning a small-brief smile from her. His mind then went back to what he really wanted to ask her, "You coming with me or not? Me and my brother, we have a few calls we use when we hunt. I'll give him a heads up. He'll warn the others. You shogun the Governor's ass. I'll take care of the rest. We'll be home before you know it."
"And what about Andrea?"
"Bullets fly, she's gonna have to make her choice real quick."
Michonne sighed, "You're on your own. You get people killed, it's on you."
Michonne gave him a smirk, picked up her stuff, and went about her way. When they heard the sound of the car pulling through with Daryl revving the engine of the motorcycle, everyone ran out to meet them. Daryl parked the bike while Rick and Hershel got out of the car. Daryl met Suzy with a one armed hug.
"Hey," Daryl said as he hugged her.
"How was it out there?" She asked. Daryl shrugged.
"There was this guy Martinez there asking about ya," Daryl said, making Suzy raise her brows in surprise, "I let him know you're doin' all right."
"Anyone else?" She asked. Daryl shook his head.
"Just him and this other guy Milton, I think his name was." He said. Suzy nodded in content. Martinez was there? And he asked about her? She shook her head in disappointment. There didn't have to be a divide like this. Why couldn't they all just get along? Rick announced for everyone to get in inside before adding anymore details on the meeting. Once everyone did, they gathered inside Cell Block C, waiting for Rick to say more on what happened.
"So, I met this Governor." Rick nodded. "Sat with him for quite a while."
"Just the two of ya?" Merle asked. When Rick nodded again, Merle whispered into Glenn's ear, "Should've gone when we had the chance, bro."
Merle moved further back of the room to join Suzy by her side with Carl. Merle could feel Suzy clutching his forearm for support due to her clear anxiety of the situation.
"He wants the prison," Rick said, "He wants us gone. Dead. He wants us dead. For what we did to Woodbury."
Suzy sighed, realizing her fears were right. Rick hesitated before saying his next words, the words no one truly wanted to hear, "We're goin' to war."
Everyone frowned in understanding and split up. Their talk was over. Daryl glanced over at Merle and Suzy, giving them a nod that they were in this together, which the two of them returned. Suzy and Merle drifted off into the D Block. They stayed in silence for a while, not knowing what else there was to say. Suzy sighed as she put her own gun down, Merle deciding to still clutch onto his.
"I know you think Glenn and I were wrong for shutting you down earlier," Suzy said, finally breaking the silence, "But there was no way we could've known what it was like out there. Glenn made the right call."
"Yeah, he did." Merle said. She looked up at him in surprise. She didn't expect him to agree. She heard what he whispered to Glenn earlier about their missed opportunity.
"But you just said-"
"I know what I said," Merle replied, "I just wanted it done, no matter what. And after overhearing you and Maggie, I felt somethin' snap in me."
"Merle-" She gasped. She rushed over to him to place her hands on his face, "What happened with the Governor-It was nothing."
"Don't give me that," Merle snapped, "You think I forgot how I found ya the next day? I wanted to kill him then, too. I should've. Would've ended all this before it even started."
"You couldn't have known what would've happened." She said, trying her best not to cry, "It's okay, Merle. You don't have to worry so much about me."
He gave a sarcastic chuckle, "Yeah. I do."
She gazed into his icy blue eyes for a moment. It was like Rick said, they were going to war. The Governor wanted them all dead. If and when he comes to attack, all of his traitors would be the first to go. Was it finally time to say it? They could be dead by tomorrow or the next day. Might as well.
"Merle-" Suzy said, feeling the butterflies beginning to flutter in her stomach, "I just wanted you to know, in case we die-"
"Come on," He groaned, "Don't."
"I wanted you to hear it at least once. I should've said it a long time ago," She said, "Merle, I love you."
Merle stared at her almost in a shock. He didn't say anything, making those butterflies she felt start fluttering even more. Was he mad? She honestly couldn't tell. Merle then took both her wrists in his hand to pull them away from his face. He shoved them down to her sides and walked off, giving a groan of what sounded like annoyance. She turned to watch him leave without saying a single word. Was that it? It seemed so. She stood in the cell, crying alone. She buried her face in her hand, wondering if Merle could hear her. Was this really where they were back to? Was it out of fear? Fear of what? The war? His own feelings? Or the fact he never felt anything for her at all? She wouldn't know, at least not today, considering he never did come back to that cell to clear the air between them.
Was it really such a mistake to tell him she loved him? She had thought those kinds of feelings were made clear, had she been wrong? It was too bad he wasn't ever going to let her do such a thing ever again. She didn't know his reasons and she didn't think she could accept his reluctance any longer. Did he expect her to forget about it and pretend it never happened? He was already getting a head start by leaving her alone like he did. She would let him have his space if that's what he wanted.
It's what was best for both of them anyways. It had to be. It was too bad she could longer convince herself that was true.