Out of the Woods (The Walking Dead)
This Sorrowful Life:
Suzy walked into the cafeteria with her head down. Rick, Hershel, and Daryl went to talk amongst themselves outside while everyone sat for an oatmeal breakfast made by Beth. Well, everyone except Merle. He was still in his ghosting mood. The more she thought about it, the angrier she became. Suzy clenched her jaw and stood, ready to make her way back into D Block. Everyone could tell what was going on with them, it didn't take a genius to figure out. Suzy crossed over to D Block to look for Merle. As she walked through, she noticed a bunch of mattress foam and cotton trailing all over the floor. She looked into the cells and noticed besides the one they slept in, every single bed had been torn to shreds. What the hell was he doing? Suzy could hear more tearing of mattresses coming from the second floor of the cell block. In front of her, pieces and pieces of cotton rained down, making her grunt in frustration. Suzy rushed up the stairs to find Merle tearing a mattress apart with his blade hand in one of the cells. He either didn't notice her standing across from him, or he didn't care. Either way, he continued doing what he was doing.
"Merle?" Suzy said in a calm and rather timid voice. Was this it? Was this Merle's mental breakdown happening right in front of her? "What are you doing?"
Merle didn't answer her. He continued ripping the mattress apart in silence until he realized he wasn't going to find what he was looking for. He got up and walked past Suzy like she wasn't even there. She tried getting his attention, but he paid her no mind. He only went to the last cell in the whole cellblock to rip apart the last mattress.
"Merle-" Suzy entered the cell behind him. She couldn't hide her frustration anymore. She was going to get answers out of him whether he liked it or not. Suzy took a sharp inhale through her nose to calm herself before speaking, "Merle, you haven't spoken to me in two days. Even you should know that is not okay. Are we ever going to talk about this?"
Since his back was turned, Merle glanced over his shoulder to send her a side glare, gave a little huff of annoyance, then turned back to what he was doing. Suzy gave a huff of her own in return.
"God damn it, Merle," Suzy snapped, "You can't ignore me forever. We're going to talk about this right now."
Merle grunted, "Ain't nothin' to talk about."
Suzy scoffed at his attitude. Was he really being serious?
"Um-No." Suzy replied, "There's actually a shit ton to talk about. Like how immature you're being over me saying 'I love you'. Did it seriously bother you that much? I thought we were past all this."
Of course he said nothing. She felt a familiar flame of rage flickering inside of her. She wanted to believe she could never be that way anymore. She was wrong. Not only that, but she didn't feel a singe of regret in the moment for what she was about to say. If he wanted to be a coward and push her away again, then it was what he was going to get.
"You know, if you don't feel the same way, you could've just said so instead of using me this whole time. That's what this was all about wasn't it?" She spat, "I should've known you could never feel that way for me or anyone, let alone have the balls to admit it. All you are is a liar. You lied straight to my face about everything! What happened with Michonne, Glenn, Maggie, your little plan to rob that camp in Atlanta you brought me to when you 'saved' me. You didn't save me for me. You did it in order to get something from me, right?"
Suzy took a deep breath to keep that sensitive side inside her at bay. The side that wanted to cry and tell him everything was going to be okay or that she was sorry. She wasn't going to throw her heart out to him anymore. It was too much. She felt so tired from doing so for so long.
"Well, you got what you wanted," Suzy continued, hiding the shakiness in her voice. She wanted to slap herself when she felt a tear slip down her cheek. "I hope you're happy with yourself because you can forget about me speaking to you ever again. I hate you."
Merle didn't move or say anything in return. He listened to her leave, the metal clanking as she paced down the stairs to get as far away from him as possible. What was he supposed to say? That he loved her? Love was never something he learned growing up. Love was weird. Love was stupid and not everyone deserved it. She was wrong when she had told him he didn't know a good thing when it was standing right in front of him. He knew very well she was the best thing to ever enter his life. The only issue was, he knew he didn't deserve such a blessing. Not after everything he'd done. He found himself pressing his lips together in a rage while he violently tore into the mattress, desperate to find something. Marijuana, coke, heroine, crystal fucking meth. Anything, god damn it! What kind of pussies lived here?
In his peripheral vision, he saw someone else walking up the stairs. It was Rick. What did he want? To ask why Suzy looked so upset? That was not a conversation he was up for at the moment. He knew damn well Officer Friendly found Suzy in passing and knew it was all Merle's' fault. He could feel Rick's eyes on him as he finished tearing up the last mattress. Nothing. What a big surprise that was.
"Just looking for a little vacation," Merle answered Rick's question before he could even ask. "Best dope I ever had was in a mattress...Nothing. This place must've been no fun at all."
"We need your help," Rick said, "Suzy said I'd find you here."
Merle leaned back and laughed. Damn, was that accurate or what? He thought as he laughed. Rick came all the way up the stairs and peeked into the cell.
"Do you even know why you do the things you do?" Rick asked. "The choices you make?"
Merle's smile faded when Rick asked him that question. He wanted to tell him if all he came here for was to reprimand him for hurting Suzy's precious feelings, then he might as well turn around and leave. What's next, Rick was going to preach to him about how Suzy didn't deserve that and he should go apologize? Yeah, right. There wasn't the slightest chance of that happening right now. Rick sighed and paced the floor for a moment as he figured out how to put together what he was going to say next.
"If we give the Governor Michonne, Woodbury stands down." Rick said, peeking Merle's interest. He stood up as Rick continued, "I don't like it, but it's what needs to be done. We need to make it quiet. We need your help with that."
"You ain't told any of the others, huh?"
"Just Hershel, Daryl, and you." Rick replied. Good, ain't no way Suzy could know about this one. She'd really blow a fuse then.
"Hmm. The inner circle. I'm honored." Merle chuckled. He thought about it and remembered the look in the Governor's eye after he was attacked. He hated Michonne with every fiber of his being. He remembered when the Governor sent him out to kill her in the first place and ordered him to bring back her head. Because of Suzy, he knew what the Governor wanted it for; A trophy to add to his tanks. Yeah, Rick was wrong for this.
"You know," Merle said, remembering something else, "When we'd go out on runs, he'd bash somebody's skull, slash somebody's throat, and he'd say 'Never waste a bullet'. I always thought it was just an excuse."
Merle's expression darkened, wanting Rick to feel every ounce of guilt possible, "You go on. Give him that girl. He ain't gonna kill her you know. He'll just-do things to her. Probably take out one of her eyes. Both of 'em most likely. You'd let that happen for a shot? You're cold as ice, Officer Friendly."
Now that he thought about it, this might be the answer to their prayers. If the Governor actually kept his word, it would give a chance for this place to stand in peace where no one else dies. That would mean Suzy and Daryl would live. That was all that mattered to him.
"You're gonna need wire. Not rope." Merle continued, "Nothin' she can chew through...You know somethin'?"
Rick didn't reply so he continued, remembering something he said to Suzy in the past.
"You're right. I don't know why I do the things I do. Never did." Merle frowned as he looked into Rick's eyes, "I'm a damn mystery to me...But I know you, Rick. Yeah, I thought a lot about you. You ain't got the spine for it-"
"We need to get her to the Governor by noon." Rick replied sternly before leaving the cell block.
Oh really? No, Merle thought. You want me to get her to the Governor by noon. This was how it always went. Someone doesn't have the balls to do something them damn selves, so they ask Merle to do it for them. How was this any different from the Governor asking him to do his dirty work? This was how everyone saw him? Why even fight it anymore? Glenn, Maggie, Rick, Suzy, all of them. He was nothing but some asshole that could get the hard stuff done.
He was the bad guy and he always knew it to be so.
Suzy stayed with Carol for a while in the cafeteria to help her load up some of the armory. She thought about going back to find Merle and tell him she was sorry. No, why should I? He started it, she thought. If he wasn't such a big baby, everything would be fine between them. Why did he have to choose now to be this way? She just wanted to understand what went on inside Merle Dixon's head.
"You okay?" She heard Carol ask. She could see the look on Suzy's face. She was obviously upset.
"Yeah," Suzy said with a sigh.
"You don't sound like you are," Carol smirked, "You wanna tell me what's going on with you and Merle?"
Suzy shrugged, "I don't know. He's being a big jerk."
"That's not anything new."
"Yeah, it's not." Suzy nodded, "I told him I loved him and now he's in D Block having a meltdown."
"Men like Merle are cowards," Said Carol, "They're afraid of their own feelings."
"You could say that again," Said Suzy, "He's an asshole and always will be. That's never gonna change."
"I know. It took a long time for me to learn that, too." Carol frowned. Suzy looked down at her belt at her .38 gun. She picked it up in her hands and gazed at it for a moment.
"Hey, Carol-" Suzy gulped nervously as she handed Carol the gun. Should she do it? "I want you to have this."
"Suzy, I can't take that from you." Carol knew Suzy's history when it came to that gun. It was a weapon that experienced nothing but pain and unjust death. Despite the pain and sorrow it held, it meant so much to Suzy. How could she let something like that go? Suzy shrugged in return.
"I know what it means." Suzy said, "And, I think I've held onto it long enough. I don't need to keep reminding myself of it anymore. You can keep it, add it to the artillery, get rid of it. Whatever you want. I just hope you don't have the same luck with it as I did."
Carol gave a small smile in return as she took the gun from Suzy's hand. When she did so, Suzy could feel this rush of relief over her like she was lifted of a tremendous weight. It was strange to finally feel okay about the past.
Merle walked into the room, making Carol and Suzy look up at him standing there. She thought about it, and no. She looked away. She couldn't speak to him yet. As quickly as she could, Suzy stood and gave Merle a brief glare when she walked past him. He had to learn behaving this way wasn't going to fly. He had no right to play around with her feelings like this. She wasn't going to keep pushing him if he didn't want it. That made it obvious where his own feelings truly lied. Merle couldn't help but giving a nod to himself in understanding. He couldn't blame her for being pissed at him. After all, that was kind of his goal when he began ignoring her. He didn't know what else to do. He went up the stairs to look out the window.
Glancing down below, he saw the group gathering up. Suzy had gone out to join them in helping with fortifications to defend the prison. Daryl greeted her with a smile and a warm hug. Merle couldn't remember the last time Daryl smiled before Suzy came around. Daryl could deny it all he wanted, it would always be obvious how he really felt about her. He was soft on her for sure. And maybe that was okay. Daryl was a better man. She deserved someone like his little brother. She would be happy with him. As he thought about it, he realized perhaps that was why he really began pushing her away. She deserved better than someone like him.
Merle also took notice how Rick acted around Michonne. She, too, looked like she was officially part of the group like Suzy was. Unlike him. There was no way Rick would give up one of his own. He could act tough all he wanted, it wouldn't change the fact that he was soft on that girl. Merle could see that from a mile a way too. Rick was going to back out, but what would that mean for the rest of them? Whether the Governor would keep his word on leaving them alone or not, Merle knew he meant it when he asked for Michonne. There was a good chance he meant the other part as well. They had to do it, or rather, he had to do it. If it meant Daryl and Suzy could live their own happily ever after in this prison, it was worth the risk. Then maybe, he could quietly slip away. If the Governor kept his word, maybe he would forgive Merle and let him come back to Woodbury. Why not? They were never going to accept him here anyway.
"Ain't no way..." Merle said aloud to himself as he watched Daryl and Rick prance off with the rest of the group.
"What?" Carol asked, nearly startling him. He almost forgot she was in there with him. She took a break from the guns in order to lay Judith down in her new basinet for a nap.
"Nothin'," Merle replied. She wasn't the inner circle for this. He guessed he could keep his mouth shut. "We got any whiskey? Hell I'd even drink vodka."
"Go to hell, Merle." Carol's response made him laugh. She certainly seemed like a different person now compared to what he last remembered. He heard her and Suzy talking about him before he walked in.
"Are you with us?" She asked. Merle shrugged in response.
"Sure."
"I'm not talking about occupying the same space." Carol emphasized, "Are you with us?"
Merle frowned as he leaned against the steps from above, "I'm here for my brother."
"Well he's here for us." Carol replied, "Suzy's here for us, too."
"Yeah," Merle said, clearly unhappy Carol was bringing Suzy up in the conversation. What's next, she was going to shame him for being an ass to her without knowing it was for her own good?
"It's not time to take shots," Carol said, "It's time to pick a damn side."
Merle laughed again at her tough talk, "You ain't like you was back at the camp-A little mouse runnin' around, scared of her own shadow."
"It wasn't my shadow, it was my husband's." Carol muttered.
"Well, you don't seem scared of nothin' anymore."
"I'm not." Carol replied.
"Hmm," Merle hummed, "You're a late bloomer."
Carol picked up the finished bag and gave him a small smile, "Maybe you are, too."
Merle grimaced after she left. He didn't need this shit. He left to go down somewhere where he could find the stuff he would need to fulfill the deal. He was done with this place. Everyone hated him and didn't want him there anyway. And to think Suzy was now one of those people hurt more than anything. In a perfect world, he would've said "fuck it" and had them sneak out of Woodbury a long ass time ago. He would've kept his promise and went as far away into the woods as they could. It would've been just the two of them living off the land like he had promised. But this wasn't a perfect world in any sense of the word. It was his own fault everyone hated him, he knew that. Whether he was proud of it or not was another story. So, he was going to continue doing what he did best;
Take matters into his own hands and get the job done so Daryl and Suzy could make it, no matter the cost.
The group split up to continue going about their day. Daryl found Suzy standing by one of the gates. She was just standing there staring out into the horizon. Looking for what, he didn't know. He guessed she was thinking about something. He rested his crossbow at his side as he approached her.
"You okay?" Daryl asked, coming up to stand next to her at the gate.
"Yeah," Suzy replied. She didn't seem okay, but none of them really were.
"I had a talk with Glenn," Daryl said, "About Merle."
"If it's about how he's never going to forgive him, can't say I really blame him for it." Suzy replied, "Not sure if I can forgive him either."
"Listen," Said Daryl, "What happened wasn't your fault. You didn't know."
"I knew something was going on." Suzy sighed, "I didn't know exactly what, but I knew. He kept it from me. He looked me in the eye a dozen times and lied because he knew I'd get pissed or talk him out of it. And he was right."
"I want him to make it right, but you know Merle better than I do. Sayin' sorry ain't really his thing."
"I thought I knew him. I'm starting to think I never really did." She frowned. Daryl hummed awkwardly in response. He draped him arm over her shoulders and brought her closer so he could offer some comfort, and uncomfortable for him as it was.
"I'll talk to him." Daryl said, "He's gonna make it right."
"Yeah?" Suzy smirked, "Good luck with that."
"Listen-" Daryl hesitated. Would Rick get mad if he said anything? "You should know Rick asked for his help with somethin'."
"With what?"
"Governor offered Rick a deal. If we go through with it, there's a chance there'll be a truce. I know Merle won't tell ya, so I thought I should."
"What kind of deal?" Suzy looked up at him.
"Somethin' neither of us like." Daryl replied with an unhappy look on his face, "He goes through with it, he goes through with it. He backs out, he backs out."
"You want him to back out?"
Daryl shrugged, "If he does, he does."
That was all Suzy needed to hear. She had a good guess what the Governor's little deal was.
"It's not me, is it?"
"No," Daryl immediately retorted, "I'd tell you if it was. And no way Merle would ever agree to help with that."
"Yeah, you'd think so wouldn't you." Suzy shrugged.
"What, trouble in paradise with you two?"
"I guess you could say that," Suzy replied, "Let's just say we haven't been on speaking terms lately."
"I'll go talk to him." Daryl immediately let her go so he could find Merle.
"No, Daryl-" Suzy reached out to stop him, "You don't have to do that-"
Daryl didn't respond. He kept going back into the prison without giving her another response. He now had several things to talk about with Merle. Merle had some nerve to be pulling his usual shit now of all times.
"Merle? You down here?" Daryl called out. He heard a clank and readied his crossbow. He called out again, "Merle!"
When he entered the next room, he saw Merle standing there nonchalantly with a casual smile.
"Hey, little brother." Merle grinned, Daryl then lowering his crossbow.
"What the hell?" Daryl said, wondering why he didn't simply respond in the first place.
"I was just about to holler back at ya."
"What are you doing down here?" Daryl asked. This was a lower level of the prison. No one really had business being down there, especially considering all the blind spots where walkers could find their way in.
"Just looking for a little crystal meth," Merle replied. He made sure when Daryl got closer to step in front of the phone he was dissecting to get the wire out of it. "Yeah, I know. Shit will mess my life up when everything is going so sweet, right?"
"You talk to Rick yet?"
"Yeah, oh yeah. I'm in," Merle nodded, "But uh-He ain't got the stomach for it. He's gonna buckle. You know that, right?"
"Yeah." Daryl replied the same thing he said to Suzy, "If he does, he does."
"You want him to?" Merle already knew the answer to that. Daryl didn't have the stomach to do it either. That's why Merle was asked to do it in the first place. They were all too weak.
"Whatever he says goes," Daryl shrugged. Merle scoffed at him.
"Man, do you even possess a pair of balls, little brother? Are they even attached? I mean, if they are, they belong to you?" Merle grimaced, "You used to call people like that sheep. What happened to you?"
"What happened with you and Glenn?" Daryl replied, "And Maggie? Suzy?"
"I've done worse." Merle replied, "And Suzy-She's sheep along with the rest of ya I take it."
"Look, no one else is gonna say it, so I will-" Daryl said calmly, "You're being real stupid with her right now. She could'a chosen anyone else and she chose you, man. You can't being pullin' this shit. Not now. Not after everythin'."
"You need to grow up," Merle replied harshly, "Things are different now."
Merle could count on his one hand the amount of times he cried in his life. He hated doing it. Their daddy once told them it made them look weak and pathetic as he beat their asses every day. Of course it'd be Daryl of all people that would confront him about this. He couldn't stop thinking about how Suzy looked at him with such anger and hatred. When she accused him of just using her for his own benefit. When she said she hated him for everything he's done. Knowing he was the reason for her pain did nothing but make him angry with himself. He fought the tears as hard as he could. They were threatening to burst out of him, but he would never let Daryl see it. He took a breath to keep them at bay, only Daryl could still see how glassy his eyes became so quickly.
"Your people look at me like I'm the devil..." Merle said. The fact that Suzy was now one of those people was too much. And he had no one else to blame but himself, "Grabbin' up those lovebirds like that, huh? Now y'all wanna do the same thing I did-Snatch someone up and deliver them to the Governor just like me. Yeah, people do what they gotta do, or they die."
Daryl shook his head, "Can't do things without people anymore, man."
"Maybe these people need somebody like me around, huh?" Merle frowned, "Do their dirty work. The bad guy? Yeah, maybe that's how it is now, huh? How does that hit you?"
Daryl put his hand on Merle's arm and looked him in the eye, "I just want my brother back."
Merle shifted uncomfortably, "Get outta here, man."
Daryl did so and went back to the doorway. Daryl paused and turned around to say one more thing.
"And stop actin' like you don't deserve her, man." Daryl said softly while shaking his head, "She deserves more from you than that."
Merle grimaced again as Daryl left. Once he was sure Daryl was gone, he picked up the phone and put it with his other stuff he gathered, including a sniper rifle. He went back to D Block to put on his black button-down shirt. He paused for a moment before he left the cell block. Why did Daryl have to come down and mess with his head? He put his hand on his forehead and rubbed it a little in stress. You know you don't want to, he heard Suzy's voice say. Of course he didn't, but that wasn't what mattered. This was what had to be done whether he liked it or not. Unlike good ol' Rick, he actually had the stomach to get it done for the only people in this world he loved.
Merle went and found Michonne luckily by herself in the courtyard. He told her how a breech was found in the tombs and how Rick was ordering them to go get rid of the walkers. It was getting closer and closer to noon. He had to do this quick.
"Why don't you have Suzy come with you?"
"Eh-She's got her big girl panties in a bunch right now," Merle shrugged, "She'll get over it."
"Where is it?" Michonne asked and she walked with him down into the tombs.
"Around the corner." Merle answered, "We gotta clear some walkers, then get the others down here to barricade it. A breach like this could be an open invitation to the Governor."
Michonne paused when a dead prisoner slammed itself against the bars from within one of the cells. She debated killing it, but decided it wasn't worth her time.
"He's not much for subtlety," She said. I mean, she ain't wrong on that, he thought. He thanked the lord when he saw some walkers wander in from around the corner to assist in his lie.
"You wanna take your chances?" He smirked, allowing her to put her sword through the first walker. To make it look believable, he took out one as well. Once more were on the way, making Michonne completely distracted from him, he snuck up behind her. He then used his metal prosthetic to hit her hard on the head, immediately knocking her unconscious. He stabbed through the remaining group of walkers then picked up her sword and her ankles in his one hand. He dragged her through the halls all the way to the room where he had his talk with Daryl. He pulled out the wire and made sure to bind her wrists tightly with multiple loops. He even made one long strand to use as a leash so she wouldn't get away. He placed a sack over her head then threw her sword over his shoulder.
It was time to pay a visit to the Governor.
Suzy sat by herself in D Block for a while. She didn't want to talk about Merle anymore with people. She also didn't want to risk running into him again like earlier. She didn't want to talk about him, to him, or see him. She wanted to give him the same silent treatment he was giving her for another two days. Then maybe he'd learn something about apologizing.
"Suzy?" Rick's voice startled her. She looked up from the bunker and saw a rather anxious looking Rick in the doorway.
"What's wrong?" She asked.
"Have you seen Merle around here anywhere?" He asked, making her roll her eyes.
"God no," She groaned. Rick didn't seem to like that answer. He quickly left the cell block, confusing her. Why was he looking for Merle? Curious, Suzy got up and rushed over to catch up to him.
"What's going on, Rick?" She asked, following him out to the courtyard. She heard him muttering to himself about Merle and Michonne and how he couldn't find either of them. He looked around in a panic around the courtyard, the fields, and outside the gates.
"You're sure he didn't say anything to you?" Rick asked her. Suzy shook her head.
"He hasn't exactly been himself lately-" She said. As she spoke, they both took notice of Daryl entering the courtyard from across the way.
"It's off," Rick said to Daryl, "We'll take our chances."
"I'm not saying it was the wrong call, but this is definitely the right one," Daryl replied.
"What, the deal?" Suzy asked.
"I'm sorry, Rick." Daryl said, "I told her about it-"
"Don't," Rick said, "No need to apologize."
Daryl noticed Rick frantically looking around and practically breaking a sweat.
"What's wrong?" He asked.
"I can't find Merle or Michonne," Rick said, "They've gone."
Suzy's jaw dropped when she put it together. The deal the Governor offered...He asked for Michonne. Merle went off on his own to do it? She wanted to scream in that moment.
"Come on," Daryl gestured for them to follow him inside. He took them to the same room he last spoke to Merle and looked around, "He was in here. Said he was looking for drugs. He said a lot of things actually."
"Like what?" Rick asked.
"Said that you were gonna change your mind. Oh-here we go," Daryl knelt down at the sight of a sack on the floor, "Yeah, he took her here. They mixed it up."
"Damn it!" Rick hissed, "I'm going after him."
"You can't track for shit," Said Daryl.
"No way, I'll go," Suzy insisted.
"Then all three of us," Rick said when they reached the exit where Merle left with Michonne.
"No, just me." Daryl replied. "I said I'd go and I'll go. Plus they're gonna come back here. You need to be ready. You're family, too."
Daryl left through the door, leaving Suzy and Rick behind. She thought for a moment and shook her head. No, she wasn't going to stay here and let him do this alone.
"Hey-" Rick grabbed her arm to stop her, "Daryl can handle this on his own."
"You don't understand, Rick-" Suzy replied, "I have to go."
"Daryl wants to go alone-"
"No, Rick-" Suzy felt her voice shaking from her anxiety. Rick kept trying to hush her and calm her as she spoke, "You don't understand, it's my fault-I said things I didn't mean-"
"Hey-Hey-Hey," Rick put his hands on her shoulders, "This ain't your fault. It's mine. I asked for his help on this and I shouldn't have. This is on me."
"I still need to tell him I'm sorry," Suzy said, pleading with him, "I can't let him do this. If anyone's gonna be able to talk him out of it, it'll be me. I'm going."
Rick didn't say anything else. He knew he wasn't going to change her mind about this. He gave her a nod and let her go. In a flash, she ran out the door to catch up with Daryl.
"Daryl!" Suzy shouted at him, "Wait up!"
"Nuh-uh," Daryl immediately pointed at the prison, "Turn around and go back right now. This is too dangerous."
"Daryl, please-" Suzy said once she caught up to him, "We don't have time to argue this. We're both going."
"Fine," Daryl groaned in his raspy voice. He paid her no more mind and continued on his way, expecting her to keep up while he tracked them down.
"Thank you," She replied, following him along.
She ran at Daryl's side, desperate to find Merle and bring him home. She could not believe Merle would do something like this. Then again, she wasn't surprised at all. She didn't know whether she wanted to smack him, scream at him, curse at him, or punch him in the face. No, she wanted to tell him she wasn't angry anymore. She wanted to tell him she was sorry and didn't mean anything she said before. She wanted to tell him he didn't have to do things like this to protect her anymore. More than anything, she just wanted to hold him in her arms and tell him she loved him more than anything regardless of how he felt in return. They didn't have the luxury of all the time in the world to stay mad at each other for something as trivial as that. This was why she hated saying things out of anger. It was no different to how she was with her mother back then.
When would she ever learn?
"Governor made Rick an offer," Merle said as they walked, "Turn you over and we all give peace a chance. I agree with you, though. He would've blinked."
"But not you," Michonne said in a sarcastic tone, making Merle scoff.
"I'm being straight with you."
"You were straight when you led me into the tombs."
"Okay, maybe I wasn't straight-"
"You put a bag over my head!"
"I got in done," Merle groaned, "He wouldn't've. Keep movin'."
Merle nearly laughed at the memory, "He was a guy that came back for me on that rooftop. Nah, it's all on me. You know? I figure-that's why I was back there in the first place. Do their dirty work."
"Thought you went back for Daryl," Michonne commented.
"Yeah, I did," Merle answered, "Because I got caught up in tryin' to make both Daryl and Suzy happy. That was all on me, too."
"And what she sees in you, I'll never know." Said Michonne, making Merle smirk.
"Guess we're on the same page with that one." He replied. In the distance, he could hear a familiar growl coming from a walker. He laughed upon seeing it, taking Michonne's sword out of it's sheath.
"May I?" He asked. She didn't answer and watched him approach the walker anyway, "I'll take that as a yes."
He used her sword to slay the walker in seconds. When he turned back around, he was surprised she stood still so patiently.
"You know what? I figured you would've run." He said. She gave a charming smile in return.
"Wanted my sword back before I get away." She said, making him laugh as he dropped the blade back in its sheath.
"It may go down that way," He said, "But if I were you, I wouldn't get my hopes up."
He came back over and picked up the wire leash and told her to get back to moving along.
"Don't get me wrong," Said Merle, "I wanna be with Suzy. I wanna be with my brother. But, my brother, Suzy, they wanna be in the prison. This little trip-maybe it'll keep that place standing. I pull it off, maybe all is forgiven."
"That's a whole lot of maybes." Said Michonne. Upon seeing a car, Merle had her stop so he could see if the car was any good.
"You gotta play the hand you're dealt." He said, "I only got one."
He paced up to the car and opened the door. Nope, it was no good. Great, he thought.
"You talk about the weight of what you have to do. How you can handle it," She said, "A bad man, someone truly evil, they're light as a feather. They don't feel a thing."
Was this her way of telling him he wasn't a bad person? Bullshit is what that is, he thought, I've been nothing but a bad person my whole life.
"I've killed sixteen men since all this went down," Merle frowned. That kid Gargulio was his sixteenth. He thought about why he kept count all this time. Did it really matter?
"Let's go," He said, pulling her along.
Suzy and Daryl kept running, Daryl only stopping to make sure they were on the right path. Running was the only thing calming her nerves. Her lungs begged for mercy, though. Eventually she ran out of breath and had to stop. She let out a dry cough, Daryl stopping to rub her back as she choked on her own breath.
"You all right?" Daryl asked.
"Y-Yeah. I'm okay." Suzy nodded, her hands on her knees. "Let's go."
"You need to slow down. We can walk for a while." Daryl said, "From the looks of it, they ain't far ahead of us. Still a while to the meetup spot."
"I'm sorry-" Suzy caught her breath and decided to listen and walk beside him, "But you don't understand, Daryl. Rick might be taking the blame, but this is my fault."
"Shut up, don't say that shit." Daryl immediately responded, "It ain't Rick's fault and it ain't your fault. Everything Merle's done is his own damn fault."
"I was so mean to him," Suzy sighed in shame, "I shouldn't have been."
"Nah," Daryl shook his head, "He deserved every bit of it, believe me. He's been asking for it."
"I just want to tell him I'm sorry," Suzy replied.
"And you will," Daryl said, "He will, too."
Suzy thought about it for a moment, "What if the Governor sees him bringing her alone? He almost killed us the last time we saw him-"
"Hey," Daryl stopped her. He put his hand on her shoulder and looked her in the eye, "Overthinkin' ain't gonna do shit. As long as we catch 'em before they get there, they'll both be just fine."
"But-" Suzy said, "What is this going to do for him staying at the prison? I practically begged Rick for Merle to have full access to the prison, and look what he did with it. He gets in a fight with Glenn, he kidnaps Michonne...He thinks everyone hates him. And now he thinks I hate him, too..."
"Come on," Daryl hurried her along, "Let's go make it right."
Suzy nodded and they went back to running down the street.
After a while, Merle was able to find a suitable car at a Motor Inn. He made it clear he wanted the rest of the way to the meetup spot to be as quiet as possible. He wasn't sure how this would go down, but he wanted his conscious clear. It won't be if you do it...
"So is this your thing then?" Michonne spoke up, "You take out the trash?"
Pretty much, he thought. That's all anyone ever wanted him around for; Get things done for them.
"Don't be so hard on yourself, darlin'."
"The Governor, Rick-" Michonne spat, "Anyone who needs their piss bucket emptied and you come a-running."
Merle gave a laugh to hide the fact that she was one-hundred percent right. The only person who didn't treat him that way was Suzy. It was too bad she shared all her kindness with someone like him. Daryl was right, she deserved more than a piece of shit like him.
"Things are different for your brother," Michonne continued.
"Yeah, they are," Merle replied, "Rick says jump and he wants to know how high."
Michonne shook her head, "Rick needs him. Respects him. He didn't ask him to do this little job now, did he?"
"Nah," Said Merle, "'Cause he wants it done."
"You keep telling yourself that," Michonne almost laughed. How many times was he going to say that out loud before he got tired of hearing himself say it? Until he was actually convinced it was true?
Michonne continued, "The truth is, this could've been your shot. With your skills, a whole new beginning."
Merle's fake grin was long gone now. Was it really his shot? It didn't feel like it. No one besides Daryl wanted to give him a chance at that place.
"But you choose to stay on the outside," Said Michonne. It was true. He didn't want to get closer to anyone else in their group. How could he blame himself though? After what he did to them and their resentment towards him, there was nothing else he thought about when he was around them. It was easier to stay in a different cell block. Why not? They didn't want him in theirs. It was easier to be alone and let them believe whatever they wanted.
"No one's gonna mourn you," Michonne shook her head in disappointment, "Not even Daryl. And at this rate, not even Suzy."
"You keep tryin' to get under my skin, I'm gonna cut that tongue out," Merle finally spoke. Of course he knew all that already. Wasn't that the point of being alone? Wasn't that the point of giving Suzy the chance at a longer, happier life with someone good? Someone who could actually be there for her?
"Your buddy's turning you over 'cause he's tryin' to save his own ass," Merle commented, "You're as much on the outside as I am, girl."
"Maybe," Michonne glared at him, "But once the Governor's done with me, at least I won't have to live with myself."
Merle didn't say anything in return.
"You know before-" Michonne continued, "I said I didn't know what Suzy saw in you...I was wrong."
"Were you now?" Merle wanted to laugh at that comment. He wanted her to tell him because he sure as hell didn't know.
"Yeah," Michonne nodded, "You care a lot more then you want to lead on. You're loyal to the ones you care about. You're not the bad guy you pretend you are."
"Sorry, darlin'." Merle smirked, "You're wrong on that last part."
"Why?" Michonne asked, "You said you killed sixteen men since this thing started? You ever kill anyone before?"
"No." Merle replied.
"Then how about before Woodbury? Before you met him?" Merle didn't answer that question. The awkward shift in his seat said it all. He once said the people in the prison were good people and not killers. The truth was, he wasn't a killer either. He forced himself to live with it because it was what he had to do. What choice did he have?
"Huh-" Michonne noticed him getting awkward, "So he saves your life, cleans you up, fed you a line of bullshit. Why would you kill somebody else for him?"
Merle was silent for a moment before he answered, "It was never for him."
Michonne looked at him in surprise. It was all clear to her now. Who he was really doing all this for.
"You know we can go back," Michonne softened her tone. It was a shame. They could've been pretty good friends she thought. He was just too much of an asshole to see that. Merle chuckled and shook his head.
"Ain't happenin'." He replied. They past the point of no return. There was no way they would accept him back after this. He knew Rick would back out, which would mean even though he was helping them, doing this would once again make him the bad guy; the wild card, the outcast. He couldn't do it anymore.
"Both of us," Michonne gave a small smile, "We can just go back."
Merle shook his head again in discomfort. No, he couldn't do it. Suzy would never forgive him for this. She was already pissed at him and didn't want to see him anymore. He was out of chances. He couldn't look her in the eye and lie to her again or see her looking back with such hatred. No, she was better off without him.
"I can't-go back," Merle stuttered, "Don't you understand that? I can't..."
"Why?" She asked. When she asked him that question, he thought about it for another moment. You can't stomach it either, he thought to himself. As soon as it came to his mind, he pulled over. There was only one thing he could think of to do. Michonne watched in confusion as he used his blade hand to cut the wire loose from her hands. Once she pulled all of it off, he gave her a nod of respect.
"You go back with them." He said, "Get ready for what's next."
Merle then reached across her body to open the passenger door for her to get out.
"I got somethin' I gotta do on my own." He said, gesturing for her to leave. Once she got out, he handed her back her sword and she shut the door. Michonne watched as he drove off ahead.
As Merle drove, he could feel his heart racing. He spotted the liquor store he and Suzy made a run to that time back in the day. That was the day she confessed to him for the first time. He pulled the same shit of pushing her away so she could go be with someone he thought was better for her. He didn't know how to do anything else. He went inside grab a bottle of his favorite whiskey and went back into the car. He thought about Daryl. He remembered when he left home. What was he supposed to do at the time? It wasn't like he worked or could do anything to take Daryl with him. That was something he felt guilty about for years, but never had the guts to tell him. Once Daryl grew up and joined him, he figured it was all water under the bridge. He never meant to hurt his little brother, nor did he think he was doing him wrong by leaving. He started to think maybe he should've accepted Daryl was dead and never tried to find him in the first place. Like always, Daryl was better off without him. He had a new family.
His thoughts turned towards Suzy. She had every right to hate him if that's how she really felt. He deserved it. He was okay with it. He wanted to turn around and tell her he was sorry for being such an ass. He didn't know how to be anything else. The only thing he wanted more than being with her, was doing whatever it took to keep her safe. It didn't matter if she hated him. Those weren't the memories he was thinking of when he thought of her. When he thought of her, he remembered smoking weed with her in the warehouse. He remembered their nightly drinks and dinner in their apartment. All the times she smiled that gorgeous smile that lit up her gray eyes. How warm she felt when she was in his arms. The energy she would give him whenever they'd go at it like rabbits in the springtime. All the times she told him how much he meant to her. She once told him he meant more to her than anyone in the world and nothing could change that. She was right, he was a coward. He was scared of his own feelings. He loved the absolute shit out of her.
He just never had the balls to ever admit it until now...
Suzy and Daryl walked for what felt like forever. It was such a hot Georgia day, they could feel themselves sweating through their clothes. They had to slow to a walk once again to catch their breath and see if there was any sign they were getting closer.
"Oh my god, Daryl-" Suzy reached her arm out and stopped him. She pointed with her opposite hand at something up ahead, "Look."
"Holy shit," Daryl gasped. It was Michonne. The only bad news was she was alone. Where was Merle?
"Hey!" Daryl shouted as they caught up to her. She had just finished piercing her sword through the head of the walker Merle beheaded earlier in their journey. "Where's my brother? You kill him?"
Michonne shook her head in response, "He let me go."
"Don't let anyone come after us," Daryl responded, immediately running off. Suzy glanced at Michonne and gave her a nod of respect to say she was happy she was safe. Michonne smiled in return and Suzy bolted off right behind Daryl. She felt her heart about to beat out of her chest and it wasn't from all the running. She was terrified now. He let Michonne go, but where was he if he wasn't coming back with her? She hoped and hoped it wasn't so he could go off and do something stupid.
Come on, Merle, please, she thought. I'm coming for you, Merle. Please be okay...
Due to having no car, it took them almost an hour to make it to the meetup spot. Daryl warned her to be on her guard since there was a good chance people from Woodbury were still there. It didn't seem like it, though, considering how quiet it was. It was a ghost town. They split up, Daryl trusting Suzy to go ahead and give the all clear. As they went further in, they saw a car sitting in the middle of the grass with the driver's door open. Surrounding it was either dead walkers or dead people. Upon observing them, it was obvious both were killed by being shot. The walkers that were left fed on the dead Woodbury soldiers. Suzy counted there being at least eight of them, some she recognized and some she couldn't. What the hell happened here?
Daryl shot his crossbow at one of the walkers feeding so they could get by. He yanked his arrow out of its head and wiped it on his pants so he could reload it back into the bow. Daryl looked ahead and noticed Suzy standing frozen in place. She had dropped her knife on the ground in shock at what she saw. Daryl looked at her in confusion for a moment, only hearing the sound of another hungry walker. When he noticed what she was looking at, his jaw dropped in shock.
Suzy shook like a leaf at what she saw. The tears flooded out of her eyes like a broken dam. It felt like she left her own body and was watching everything unfold from above. She heard herself saying no over and over until she was screaming it, only it sounded like a faint echo from far away. Merle was there in front of her; Shot in the chest and feeding on a Woodbury soldier like he was nothing but a biter. His once beautiful blue eyes locked with hers as nothing more than an empty shell. He stood up and limped towards them, Daryl only able to cry and push him back to keep him away. She always made sure the ones she loved never had to come back as one of the monsters. This time, she failed...
"No-Daryl-" Suzy mumbled through her tears.
Daryl yelled as he took his hunting knife and stabbed Merle in the face over and over again. She grabbed his shoulders and begged him to stop, pleading that he was killing him by doing that. Daryl stabbed him over and over until he couldn't bear it anymore. He fell back on the ground in tears as Suzy reached out to hold Merle's single cold hand. She cried so hard she was screaming in pure agony. It felt like something deep inside her had died and it was painful. She had never felt something so painful before. She thought she knew what it was like to lose someone. Not this way. Not murdered by some psychopath and left to turn into a flesh eating monster. She felt her own body collapse over Daryl's. She cried on his chest, burying her face in his shirt, not able to look at Merle anymore. It was too much. Daryl held her close as he cried, his fingertips digging into her shoulder blades. When Merle died, she died too. She thought he would always be someone who made it in this world. He got her through it all. She only wished she could've helped Merle in return. That was what she had to live with for as long as she lived.
She failed him...