Author's Note: I'm sorry for the long wait, so many things were going on this month that it got in the way. Plus waiting for the chapter to get read. I will try again to make sure not to delay again. I thank you for those still sticking with the story. Without further word, enjoy.
Chapter 22: Not a Hero
Cleaning was something that most Vikings considered a domestic chore, as most wouldn't really attempt it, unless it was an all-hands-on deck situation. Like it was now. Currently, everyone could be found trying to help restore their home and clean up any damages that had been cause. Most of the Vikings putting out broken furniture, which could be repurposed for firewood, as stacks were starting to grow outside of most homes. It was a huge relief having the dragons help in on it as they carried the large stacks of broken wood to the lumberjacks, which helped quicken things. Everyone was helping in cleaning things up as the village was slowly being restored to its original glory.
The same thing could be could nearly be seen within the Haddock household. Stoick and Hiccup had finished their meal, which was a peaceful one. The teen then excused himself , wanting to go up to his loft, Toothless following behind. Might as well get back to work, as home is important for the teen to fix up.
"You going to be ok?" the chief asked in assurance.
"Yeah…might as well see the damage they did to my room and fix it up," He had responded back from the bottom of the stairs.
"Want help?" Stoick offered.
"No, it's alright…besides, I kind of need time to myself," Hiccup responded back softly, which is true. After the small talk that was done between them, there were a lot of conflicting emotions running amuck in his mind, trying to make sense of all that was told to him. Part of him wanted to think what he did was right but had trouble believing it. A time where he needed a concrete answer, and he couldn't even be graced with that pleasure. Why couldn't his dad have an answer for him? Why couldn't he be told which answer was right and it could have helped him a lot. Yet, now he's left with a swirling mind of thoughts that needs to be sorted through.
Stoick himself knew why his son needed to think, and he couldn't blame him. He really had hoped to ease the trouble that was brewing on within him, hel he wanted to take this burden off of him and take it for himself. He knew he could deal with it easily, as he didn't want to see his son like this. Such emotions isn't for a child his age…and shouldn't have been thrusted upon him, at least not yet. "I understand…still, I'll be here if you need me."
Hiccup shook his head, "No dad, I'm pretty sure everyone else will need you right now."
"You're my priority right now son, I want to be here to help you if you need it," Stoick explained, wanting to assure his son that he isn't going anywhere. The comment must have had an effect as he could have sworn, he saw a small smile before it faded. He looked around the house and decided to change the topic, "Besides best to check around here as well, see what else was taken as it wasn't done last night."
"Oh, yeah, that's also a good idea," the teen rubbed the back of his head, now realizing that too was important as well. Deciding he lingered around enough already he proceeded up the stairs, Toothless following right behind.
Stoick watched his son go up until he disappeared into the loft, letting out a deep sigh once out of view. The chief hoped things with his son would be ok, as he had no idea what could come next. The last day has been hard for both of them, mainly the teen himself. He just had to hope Hiccup could be restored to his former self with help. For now, he would leave him be as he had his own work to do. Looking around the house once more he knew a bit more cleaning would be needed, as well as a thorough check of valuables. Yet, both eyes soon trained themselves onto Hiccup's satchel not too far away on the back of a chair.
Both of Hiccup's eyes rose as he entered is room, scanning around and taking its ransacked state. His bed was tipped over on its side, his small closet open and all of his clothes were scattered about on the floor. He winced as his jar of ink laid shattered on the ground, creating a huge black spot, his desk was upside down as well. Both eyes then saw that the floorboards in which was his secret hiding spot was revealed, showing that it was found out. Walking forward he looked down at the small hiding spot, sighing in relief upon seeing that it was empty…all except for the chest in which Bork's notes was stored, which laid on the ground next to the opening.
"Guess it was a good thing I took The Book of Dragons and Borks notes…even if it led to trouble," he sighed dejectedly, remembering what coming back here caused…and how he was chased. Either way, nothing in his room was safe as even his secret hiding spot was found.
When the Berserkers want to be thorough, they go about it in a messy way. He looked around as something else came to mind but sighed in relief as he locked on to the bed. Walking over he kneeled down and picked up his helmet, glad that this was still there. His hand brushed at the fine metal as there were a few scuffs on it but other than that it was fine. "I'm glad they didn't take this…maybe to them they found it useless…or maybe didn't have the time," Hiccup said to himself as he picked up his discarded chair and placed the item down upon it. Once settled the teen went about picking up his room.
Usually, male Vikings would have trouble picking up such a huge mess, but Hiccup managed to do so with ease and without complaint. Mainly since for a good few years, it had been him cleaning up the Haddock household, just himself. Back when things between him and his father were rocky the teen would always be left on his own, especially when Stoick went out on the long expeditions. Without a mother some domestic duties fell to Hiccup, although he was curious if his father ever knew about that. He would say no to that, as it was never brought up. Either way, a mess would be made, and left untouched, but the next day it would be cleaned up, all curtesy of Hiccup. Yet Stoick never commented on that, nor did he acknowledge that there ever was a mess. So over the years Hiccup would always be keeping the house all picked up, all without saying anything.
Hiccup remembers a time, a couple of years back, his father returned home, a bit drunk. There was a small celebration going on, one of which the teen decided to duck out of, thankfully his presence went unnoticed. His father made noise coming in, and bumped into some items, knocking them over. Hiccup was woken up by the commotion and went to see it, only to cringe at the mess that was made. Yet, he was finally able to relax once his dad went inside his room, where he most likely passed out. Sighing, the teen walked down and picked the place, taking a while doing so as he tried to be quiet. Thanks to him it was like nothing had happened at all, and it wasn't brought back up.
It's why cleaning up hasn't ever been a problem to the teen at all, especially since it's his own room. Plus, it was also somewhat therapeutic in a way, so this would help with his scattered mind. Walking up to his bed he gripped at the sides and grunted as he tried to pull it back into place but was having trouble. Thankfully, a black mass came up and gripped the side with his mouth, pulling as well and allowing the bed to be pulled back down to its rightful position.
"Thanks bud," Hiccup smiled at his dragon.
"Of course, I'm here to help out," the Night Fury nodded.
Looking forward both of Hiccup's eyes rose as another important item was seen, prompting him to move over and pick it up. Resting in both of his hands is the stuff Naddar his mom made for him. Apparently when his bed was overturned it must have been knocked out of its resting place, being covered up by it. He was glad this survived as it was another thing that helped remind him of his mother, as he hardly has anything of her. He continued to look down at the plush item, not able to look away from the toy as his fingers stroked over it. The grip on it not loosening at all as both hands came up to hold it against his chest, not wanting to part with it at all. He started to back up until he hit his bed, slowly sliding down to the floor, hunched over, still clutching the stuff Naddar as new thoughts came to mind.
"Are you ok?" Toothless asked upon seeing his rider sit down, moving over to sit down in front of him. The action was new and it instantly made him grow concerned.
Hiccup's head is down casted some as his knees pulled back some as he tried to fight back some more tears, "Mom…what would you have thought?"
"Your…mom?" Toothless tilted his head, the question coming out of nowhere.
"Would she be proud…ashamed…or what?" Hiccup spoke to his dragon, something he always did when alone with Toothless. "I don't know much about her…All dad told me is that I'm very much like her…did that means she didn't want to kill as well? Did she refuse to do so when it came to war? If so…Would she be ashamed of me for the lives I've taken?"
"She wouldn't," Stoick's voice was heard, prompting Hiccup to turn around to see his father at his door, holding his bag. Before the teen could get a word out the chief got closer. "Your mother would be over the hills that you are still alive. All the killing, and the decisions you made…she wouldn't care about it as long as she could have held you in her arms still."
"How can you be sure of that," Hiccup couldn't help but respond back, that was the only thing he could say.
Stoick was silent at first, kneeling down once he was in front of his son, and seeing the glistening eyes on him. "Because your mother loved you very much…even though you were just a newborn, I could see all the love she held for you when she had you in her arms. The joy she wore upon her face when she realized she was pregnant…is something that will stick with me forever. She wouldn't be ashamed…she would see you as a hero for what you did…everyone does. All your actions and choices…you went on strong and didn't give up…and in the end you saved us…that is something your mother would be proud of."
Hero…not giving up? Those were words that Hiccup could instantly disagree with, mainly because he was none of those. Especially as one thought came to mind…the one action he nearly did. After when he killed Sten, the dark place he was in as a result, and how he was done, and the one decision that resulted from it. Now that made the guilt of his status as a hero grow as that title is tainted. He wasn't trying to be a hero; he was trying to survive in a situation he didn't want to be in…The people of Berk didn't deserve him as a hero…because in reality there wasn't a hero to be thankful for.
Hiccup then lower his head and mumbled a few words, which his father didn't hear.
"What?" Stoick asked back.
"I'm not a hero," the teen said with a shaky breath, the grip on his plush tightening a bit, not wanting to let go at all as if it was going to be ripped from him. "Whatever positive thoughts of me being a hero you have…what everyone has…they are wrong."
"Why would you say that?" the chief asked in surprised, now curious as to why his son would have such a negative view of the situation. For the longest time he would always want the approval of the villagers, especially if he were to be seen in a positive light…yet this was completely different as he didn't seem to want to be recognized for such an accomplishment. Unless…there was something that had happened the chief wasn't aware of, which he hoped there wasn't. "Son…what happened?"
Hiccup was silent at that, refusing to look his father in the eye, even Toothless for that matter as the dragon cooed at his rider. Both knew that something was up with Hiccup, as his silence only made the situation more evident. The Night Fury nuzzled at his rider, trying to get him to respond, "Come on…tell us."
"Hiccup…what happened?" Stoick asked again, trying to get the truth. More silence followed as the teen didn't speak, making the chief worry more as he knew that whatever it was must be serious. The teen took a few deep breaths before looking up, eyes reddish as more tears threaten to fall.
"T-The last person I killed…we got into a fight…one of which I managed to win, due to sheer luck. I was already in a bad place of mind because I had to kill four people at once…I don't know what happened after I killed him but…something inside of me…just snapped. After all the running…the chasing…all the blood…all the d-death…I just couldn't take it anymore," Hiccup's breathing increased as he tried to hold in his emotions. This was something he knew he had to say, and if he started crying again, he wouldn't be able to finish at all. He looked up into his father's eyes, seeing the shock upon his face. His words stunning him into silence. Taking a moment to calm himself he kept on going…getting to the one part that didn't make him a hero. "I gave up dad…I gave up."
"What?" Stoick shot up and mouth hung slightly open, not sure he heard that right, nor if he understood fully what his son meant…nor if he was sure if he wanted to know. "W-What do you mean?"
"I couldn't take it anymore…I-I wanted it to e-end…I was done, f-finished….I couldn't go on. I was done running…I was actually going to give myself up to Dagur…and not resist." A silent gasp came out of Stoick and Toothless upon hearing that, now knowing they couldn't have heard that right…yet the more they looked upon the teen's face the more they knew it was true. No, it couldn't be, It couldn't.
"B-But…But son you didn't…and you…what happened? How could you have saved Berk if you wanted to give up?" Stoick asked, mind completely floored upon hearing that. He has never known for his son to give up at all…so hearing that he was actually considering it…he had no idea what to think at all, as to the chief it was unfathomed to think about. Yet he and the Riders saved Berk so something must have happened to prevent his child from turning himself in like he said.
"That's because my friends showed up…right when I was about to give myself up…hope filled me…and that made me stop my plan…" Hiccup down casted his eyes, not wanting to look at his father anymore to see any more disappointed looks. "I'm not a hero dad…I gave up…I couldn't handle the consequences that came from the killing…if it weren't for my friends showing up…Dagur would have won, everyone would still be his prisoner…all because of me."
Another stunned silence filled the room as Stoick leaned back still in disbelief. This can't be his son, it just can't, he would never give up like that…but he knew those words were truthful as Hiccup would never lie about something like that…and the emotions that came out…they were too real to fake. His son's demeaner took a nosedive as he seemed to be back in the hole, he dug…and there didn't seem to be a way to bring him back up again, but that didn't mean Stoick would believe it. "But it didn't happen…Hiccup look at me…look at me," slowly the teen looked up, a couple of tears falling upon his nearly flushed face. "It didn't happen son…It didn't…call it an intervention by Odin or something but you weren't meant to give up, you were meant to save Berk and be a hero…You could have stayed the way you were after your last kill, but you managed to pull away from that and formulate a plan to save us all. You accomplished it in the end, so it doesn't matter what your original intentions were, you and the others saved everyone…and that is all that matters."
"But I'll always know…I'll always remember how I gave up…I'm not a hero…I'm not a hero…" Another sob came out of the teen, who didn't even register that he was pulled into another embrace. Stoick held his son in hopes to comfort him, hearing another sob as his son buried his face into the larger man's chest. Toothless cooed as he rested his head on his Rider's back, trying to comfort him as well, not sure how he can help this time. He never seen his rider like this, and it only made him worry.
The only thing the two of them could do, is to make sure Hiccup felt loved.
"Do you all think Hiccup is doing ok?" Fishlegs asked aloud, tossing a large rock into Meatlug's awaiting mouth. The Gronkle happily chewed on the treat before swallowing it and then nuzzled her rider, earning a few chuckles in return.
All the riders happen to be gathered together within the academy, taking a break from all the help they provided to the village. Also, they were checking out the damages the academy had accumulated. Which was plenty as many scraps, and rocks littered the place, it would need to be cleaned up, but it was manageable.
"He should be," Ruffnut responded as she and her brother put some fish in front of their dragon, allowing the Zippleback to eat up. "I mean he was able to beat Dagur and help stop his reign over the village."
"Yeah, even though we weren't there the fight must have been amazing," Tuffnut responded with a smile, saddened that he didn't get a chance to witness the fight itself as it must have been an amazing to see.
Astrid was nearby, brushing Stormfly's spikes, the Nadder groaning in delight as this happened, and enjoyed the action. The blond Viking sighed as she looked over at the others, taking note of everyone and their actions, "Yet you all saw him after the battle was finished, he…he wasn't thrilled at all, and seemed almost broken."
"Y-Yeah….that wasn't a pretty sight," Fishlegs cringed at the memory, never really seeing his friend in that state before. Just seeing him just rise up and…walk past everyone, crestfallen as he was, is something that he couldn't get out of his head. It only made him more concerned for his wellbeing.
"Don't worry so much, Stoick is taking care of it," Snotlout responded from his spot on the ground, leaning next to a sleeping Hookfang, helmet tilted down to cover his eyes. The burly Viking trying to get in a quick nap after the day's events….well he tried to, but his attention was caught when Hiccup's name was brought up. Ever since dropping the food off at his cousin and uncle's home he went to join the others, till they eventually came to the academy.
Snotlout couldn't see the eyes that were painted on him. The Riders, mostly Astrid, were surprised to hear the comment from her teammate, as he was acting like it was nothing to sweat about. "Come on Snotlout you have to care about Hiccup's wellbeing, right?"
That was actually true, mainly as Snotlout really did care for his cousin…but he wasn't the type to show that kind of concern around others, mainly as he has a tough guy persona to keep up…yet he didn't want to seem callous at all. Sighing he pushed his helmet up so he could look at everyone, speaking in a calm tone, "There's not much we can do about it…I mean none of us went through up Hiccup went through, so there's no way to relate to him at all…besides Stoick seems to be the only one to help him right now."
A small bout of silence filled the area as they soaked up Snotlout's words. As much as they wanted to argue over it, they couldn't help but realize he is right. They never seen their leader in the state he was in, it wasn't like before when they had returned to Berk, as a bit of sleep managed to help him. This time around it was different. They all know what Hiccup had done, and that was letting Dagur go. All five of them were mixed in the decision but couldn't really do that much about it as it was Hiccup's choice as he is the heir. None of them knew what was going on in is head when making the decision, but taking a wild guess, a lot must have been flowing through him, none of them good. They couldn't really help him as none of them faced a situation that their leader was in, meaning Stoick was the only one that could help him. Still, it only made them think more.
"D-Do you all think that it was best Hiccup let Dagur go?" Fishlegs asked nervously, not sure what everyone would think of the question.
"I say he should have been killed," Snotlout responded simply with folded arms, as all eyes turned to him for an explanation. "After all he had done, after all he put us through and the near-death encounters…and taking over Berk, it would be best if he wasn't around to cause anymore harm."
"I agree," Tuffnut spoke next. "I still can't forgive how he wanted to kill Barf and Belch back when Berk was still trying to be friendly with one another."
"I agree with you bro," Ruffnut seconded. "That and all the other things he did, it's the only way to ensure everyone and our dragons safe from him."
"Yet you heard Hiccup before…the one condition he gave us in exchange for helping with Berk," Astrid then spoke up, making them all remembering back on the beach. "He told us that if he killed one more time it would destroy him. Now I don't know what that might have looked like, but I have to say Hiccup not killing Dagur may have been for the best, as I don't want to see what a destroyed Hiccup would look like."
Another bout of silence came as Snotlout and the Twins looked at the blonde, remembering those words. True, it was abnormal to see their friend all unresponsive as he was and stay like that. Still, it slowly made them change their perspective, but also realize the alternative. Snotlout spoke back up, "Astrid…you do know this means that Berk won't be safe as a result, right?"
"I Know…but I rather have Hiccup still intact…rather than some empty shell," She folded her arms, head down casted. "It's a selfish thought, but it's something I'm comfortable with."
"I agree," Fishlegs then spoke, garnering the attention now. Normally he would be feeling timid and not as confident in speaking…but a small wave of confidence washed over him. "I agree that Berk is important and should be protected no matter the cost…but in the end I think Hiccup paid the most out of all of us, even before we came back. Think about it, back before the war ended, we were being trained to kill dragons…not people. Now I don't know what it's like killing another person, but I do know for certain it's different. It's sticks with you in a different way than when it comes to killing a dragon. Now normally, In the events of a invasion of Berk we wouldn't have been allowed to participate in a fight like that…because we weren't seasoned yet old enough to take up that kind of responsibility. Yet Hiccup was an unwilling participant in it…and not only that, but he was forced to kill."
"Yet…he had killed before," Ruffnut piped up. "The last time Berk was attacked, and back on Dragon Island."
"Yes…meaning his kill count went up higher, and don't you all remember what he told us as well?" Fishlegs asked, looking at everyone for an answer, and gaining silence at first.
Astrid spoke up, remembering that talk from a while back, "That every time he closes his eyes…he sees their faces."
"Exactly," Fishlegs nodded, trying to drive a point. "Now, do you all know how many people Hiccup has killed by now?"
Everyone looked at one another, all of them trying to remember.
"Well…he did tell us back in the cave that he killed eight of them," Tuffnut scratched his helmet.
"Yet also, the ones from before then," Ruffnut added in as well.
"Fourteen," Fishlegs responded, catching their attention once more. "I kept count…I don't know why…but he has killed fourteen people in total…imagine look at that many faces when ever you close your eyes."
"Ok, I think I get your point," Snotlout responded, now realizing his cousin's kill count. Remember hearing about there being consequences when it came to killing…and knowing Hiccup did it that many times, it's no wonder he was a wreck when they found him.
"Not yet," Fishlegs responded, surprising them all. "All those people Hiccup killed…they were strangers to him, people he didn't know at all…yet you all see the condition he was in? All of that was from people he never knew nor will ever know, but even with them they were making him a complete wreck. Now imagine if Dagur was one of those faces he had to see."
Another silence filled the group, as none of them ever thought of that. Hiccup and Dagur have a…complicated history between one another but they still knew one another. Fishlegs was right, every single Outcast and Berserker Hiccup killed, he didn't know them, and those turned him into a wreck. Throw Dagur into that…and they didn't even want to know what it could have been like."
"Then I guess it was for the best," Snotlout said in a low voice, finally seeing the point in all this.
"It was," Astrid said next, but then her thoughts shifted to something else. "Do you all think…Hiccup can bounce back from this?"
The rest of the Riders looked at one another, unsure what to say or how to respond to that. As they weren't sure if that was possible now.
"We should do something," Ruffnut said, breaking the silence.
"But what?" her brother asked in response.
"I guess being there if he needs us," Fishlegs then suggested, everyone nodded in response.
"So, all we can do is just wait…and hope the chief can help Hiccup," Snotlout then said, as it was the only option they had. Everyone was silent on this, but judging by it they all agreed, as it was the only thing they could do at the moment.
Astrid then got up, and tried to ready her dragon, "Well…until then, we best keep busy and get back to work."
Everyone else nodded and got up as well, as The twins gave Fishlegs some pats. "Thanks for enlightening us," Ruffnut said.
"Yeah, I never thought of Hiccup's situation like that," Tuffnut responded.
Fishlegs smiled as he got praised from his teammates, as it was rare to obtain it. Looking over he saw Snotlout looking at him but then gave a nod. It wasn't much but he knew what it meant, and it made the smile go wider. They all then started to mount their dragons and started to fly out of the academy, and back to work.
All of them hoping that Hiccup will get better.
A/N: Hope you like, I know there's a lot of information, but I found this to be important as well, as we're seeing Hiccup dealing with the aftermath as we're getting inside his head more about the situation. Also I figured it would be good to get another perspective. I'm doing my best with these chapters as I had to change things up, especially with how this ends. I hope it ends up good. Also once again thank you for those sticking by this story, I really appreciate it. Till next time.