Hey guys, I'm so sorry I've been gone for this long. The boring life happened and literally engulfed me in!
and let's not forget that damn diva for actually having things done, and No, that fucker comes and change everything till I'm lost ! so hope you like this one, it's a bit dark, I wanted to give you a glimpse of what Bucky is going through so some warnings -war stuff nothing detailed-
Thanks again to 'Niamh' for checking everything... you rock!
the next chapter will be up soon,just needs some dusting!
as always, please comment and kudo me! I's like water for little o'll me
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The episodes were flowing in the background, one after another. It's good the season had like twenty-something episodes, so the brothers kept him company even after their number-one fan was already snoring.
He didn't mind, really, it was fun and he kind of liked the whole family thing the show was all about, regardless of how messed up they both were. The gunshots would make him jump sometimes, but still nothing he couldn't handle. They made her happy so he didn't complain, just as he didn't complain about her getting closer to him slightly making sure they were touching after every jump in reassurance, and secret side-eyes to check on him which made his heart warm. So he really didn't mind the useless show.
The smooth and vibrant engine of the car was roaring in the background now while he played with a brown strand of hair of a girl in dreamland, lost in that head of his. Remembering the way she literally fangirled over these messed up brothers, enjoying watching her adorable transformation into a five-year-old and when she visibly trembled whenever the sound of 'baby' get on screen or going on the open road.
'This girl had a thing for roaring beast' he noticed. He understood it completely, he was a victim too. And it made him swear on how he actually forgot about it in the first place!
'such an idiot.'
With everything that's been on his mind, thinking about it would have surprised him to be honest. But now, now he had a reason to go back to his old days...And maybe bring something back with him.
He looked at her next to him, head resting on his lap covering it with soft chocolate locks. Breathing rhythmically and not in a hurry to get anywhere. He smiled at the picture. There he was, sitting on a couch draped with a warm blanket, with a sleeping girl snoring softly and feeling completely happy about it. He expected that to happen, apparently, she started off making it a habit of sleeping anywhere knowing she would still wake up in her bed after starting to live with Steve. And now himself. He would lift her ass up and tuck her in more frequently then he expected...
'That brat!' he chuckled fondly.
He really did come a long way! Checking the wall clock, quarter past midnight. He thought about getting her to her bed which would be the logical way here, but he seriously didn't wanna be alone again! Still, it wasn't ok, the scene of that morning playing on loop in his head resulting in a very hard decision making. He seriously shouldn't be thinking about that, but looking at her now laying defenseless inches from him, with her inviting lips and sweet scent, how could he resist!? He was but a man!
If they hadn't been interrupted he would have kissed her...Kiss?... No, It wouldn't have been something that gentle.
He'd never expected to be feeling like this, it was as if he'd become this craving beast, and that, that was worrying…
'Get a grip you wuss! Don't get all needy! Just get her to her room and close the door behind her!'
With a serious thinking and a very logical mind having the upper hand again over his heart, Bucky made a decision and started to act on it! He grabbed the remote and switched the TV off, and then started to get up without waking a sleeping person was a bit challenging, and even so when that person's upper body was literally on your lap!
Managing to free himself, he stood up facing her on the couch, taking a last look on what he was about to relinquish then with a sigh he started moving. With arms under her back and legs, he lifted her easely and started for the corridor. After a few strides he was facing a bedroom door, to his chagrin it was a matter of seconds. He could hold her close for ages if it was up to him. To his surprise it was His bedroom door he was facing. Unconsciously headed for his room other than hers, a force of habit?
'ugh!!' He closed his eyes and walked to his right! heading for hers this time!
Once again shedding the duvet and once again expecting her to squirm after feeling the cold sheets. Which she didn't.
'She must really be under then!'
Arranging the covers to her shoulders and taking a final look at her and the huge empty space on the other side of the bed.
'ugh! what a waste!' he sighed, wishing he could slip in by her side, to chase his nightmares away...which seemed to be her superpower.
But in a way, he felt he would be taking a large step and he seriously didn't wanna do that! He still had things to figure out. Regardless of the couple of times they had, still...If she asked him he would jump head first, but sneaking in? That was a completely another story, at least for now with whatever kind of relationship they're having.
'Don't push it, Buck! ' He thought and headed for the door, thinking about what he could do to start on that idea he just had.
'Alright! time to get back on the saddle.'
That night felt so lonely for Bucky, after spending the entire day and most of the night with Moon putting her to bed so far from him, Bucky didn't expect that sense of emptiness that took over him. He'd gotten so used to having her constantly close, even without asking for anything, she was always there, warm and smiling.
And now laying on this huge empty bed, sleep returned to its usual diva act and evaded him once again. He's seriously starting get convinced that she had some sleeping powers of some kind! He sighed, accepting his fate as usual.
The almost kiss of that morning still in the background of his mind, maybe it wasn't meant to happen, it was the universe saying he should take his time and don't rush it or it would blow. It was but only a moment of weakness.
He could feel it was going to be one of those nights! So he didn't rush it. Instead, he closed his eyes and let his mind wonder about what he would do to get his idea working. He had some strings to pull off but eventually, he knew it would blow her mind.
After a while, he started counting down from a hundred. To his relief, that morning exertion started to get the job done. He felt drowsiness starting and after a moment, he was under.
…………………….
The thing about dreams is that it's pretty much the playground of your subconscious, it gives your deepest and darkest desires and all that comes with it, life. And you can end up with good moments lived for numerous seconds, or it's can be an unparalleled nightmare sucking all your happiness out of your days.
Or, they can also be fueled by whatever happens in your daily life, your routines, your loved ones, and family, or how you perceive life in general or even what you had for dinner!
So when you have someone with whom you share a very deep connection and hold close to your heart; that person can become the go-to victim in your fucked up mind.it's like the mind tortures you with the most important thing in your pathetic life!
Dreams are a funny thing too, and a shitty thing to be honest like that annoying asshole to whom you say something and ends up doing the exact opposite. Like when you wish you'll dream about something nice or anything for that matter, but whatever you do, you end up with twisted nightmares and horror all through the night.
You can never have it your way, trying all the preparation bulshit even, the lucid dreams bullshit or the fucking hypnosis just to have some shut eyes or better yet, see something different then bloody bodies and ripped limbs for once in a blue moon, but nothing's working. Try lying to yourself, accepting or admitting things to yourself, things you know would end up badly cause of how weak you were, and what would your subconscious do?it just twists and rips them into pieces and torture you with it.
He wishes he could control his dreams...That would be literally the answer to all his prayers.
So yeah, dreams are fucked up.
In Bucky's case, it cannot be different, having those kinds of dreams, night terrors come with the misfortune of being a war veteran, and his track records with the horrors of war.
Only having one person who means the whole world to him, pretty much casts steve in the role of the forever victim in Bucky's mind, so watching and reliving past terrors with Steve in the receiving end was never easy for Bucky Barnes.
But now, after a few months living with Steve and whatever his relationship with Moon is right now -not daring to think about the "L" word yet(Like, Lust, or even Lo…)-, Bucky accepted the fact that they mutually cared for each other now, which means a new cast was added to the horror show in his mind.
He's screaming. And screaming in vain. He's alone, he's been alone for a while now
and he kept repeating his name "My name is James Buchanan Barnes" just to try and keep some sanity in him, but the thing is he keeps hearing his crew desperately shouting his name too 'Sergeant Barnes', 'Sergeant Barnes', Sergeant Barnes SERG……...why were they calling him?was something wrong? it smells wrong, they seemed in distress!
Blinking rapidly trying to clear out his vision, Second blink… Everything goes black.
fast forward at a nauseating speed, where he was. There are so many hands, grabbing him everywhere, There's a table beneath him now. He can't see, he can't see, he can't – there's something over his face and he keeps trying to scream, asking and pleading with them but he doesn't speak their language.
Can't breathe now because they're pouring water over his face and Oh god, he's going to die!. His lungs are burning, filling up with water. And he can't breathe, he's dying but they won't let him die, this will never end…
And there's someone up ahead of him, someone he refuses to think about, not in here, cuz' he knows he can not be in here, in this hell hole!
Someone with golden hair and the bluest eyes and a gun in his hand, and he's not supposed to be there. …please don't be here, please don't be here!
and this wretched smell…
Blinking again, and his face changes once more, but this time, it's his fellow crew member, He always thought he did look like him. Same blond short hair and sky blue eyes!
The rifle barrel is pointed with purpose, and Bucky watches him moving forward. He can hear explosions and gunfire; grenades and shouting. He would try to run, run to the faceless man with the golden hair now because Bucky sees the machine gun pointed in his direction but the other man does not. This man has no face, but Bucky knows his name anyways.
'Steve! Steve, run! it's gonna happen again, Run steve please!!' his lips would form and scream, except his lips aren't moving at all and neither is he.
He's frozen there even though it was a hundred degrees. Trapped within a thick layer of icy metal holding him down –he is dreaming he knows he's dreaming, and every time he sees Steve getting blown up over and over and over again and he can do shit about it! and he's suddenly aware that he is cold, he's so cold and drenched in sweat, but he can see perfectly fine and the image in front of him is so clear that it's almost disorienting. "STEVE!" he continues to scream, but the sound only seems to echo off the walls and get back to him, He screams so loud inside that his vocal cords scratch and rubs raw and Bucky can taste the blood.
And the smell is still there...like a rotting body next to him in that hot rotting cell just lying there! he can never escape, he will never come home!
He will live the horrors of war, over and over and over again! Bucky can't breathe again. The scene changes and he's missing his left arm now, Bomb goes off – a quick and terrorizing boom echoing throughout the walls, continuous piercing sound that fills the air around them all – and Steve's body falls to the ground.
'Steve' never even sees it coming; never gets a chance to run. All he could do is watch.
He rushes to him, already dead inside, hoping for whatever remained of his best friend…
He blinks again and this time, it's Moon's face, all bloodied up, hands trying to grab something on her chest, her heart? like in a horror movie, her hand pierced through her ribcage and just pulls her heart out, just like that! Bloody and still pumping, giving it to him "It can be yours, why won't you let it?!".badum ...badum...badum..." here, take it!''
She's hurt, she's hurt and bleeding and her eyes screaming sadness and heartbreak, and so much more, he can't, she is hurt because of him, he did that to her, because he got close to her. And to Steve and to his entire crew still calling his name afar, he is a coward and unable to help anyone, let along taking care of anyone. Can't even take care of himself…he didn't deserve happiness, he wasn't meant to be with anyone, it was his punishment, he wasn't worthy of anything remotely good. He didn't deserve to be happy.
he closed his eyes hoping for it to stop, just stop please, he can't take it anymore, "please make it stop... make it stop….stop calling me, you're all dead, leave me alone Please God, just leave me alone!"
They were all talking and shouting at him at the same time, he can't think he can't speak the smell of death reacks, and just repeats his mumbling over and over and over again….
With a strangled cry, Bucky jolts as his eyes fly wide and he bolts up into a sitting position. Wheezing and shaking uncontrollably, he frantically looks around the room like he always does.
'You're in your room, you're not there anymore, you got out….' a voice in his head keeps saying that but he only sees bloody walls and smell of rotting bodies.
'Steve will be here soon!' he knows that like he knows he is breathing right now.he's been very loud this time, Steve always comes when he wakes up.
He brings his metal and flesh hands in front of him to look at, it happened again, he stirs from another restless slumber, pushing aside the linen bed sheets, he swings his legs over the rim of the bed, rubs a hand over his face, ending through his locks.'he is up, he is safe! '
His heart thumping wildly in his chest, he exhales shakily and drops his head into his right hand, crying the silent tears that are long since too dried out to fall.
"He is OK, you're gonna see him soon" he murmured to himself like a mantra.
He closed his eyes and started counting from ten ascending, it usually calms him, but it became some sort of a countdown lately for Steve to come running into his room after he woke up screaming like this.
"8...7...6…"
And like clockwork, his bedroom door opens letting the same blond man from his dreams in, with the same sad, worried eyes he remembered Steve harboring whenever he came rushing to his room with every nightmare fueled night!.
He hated himself for being the cause of it. He resented that, so he didn't look and averted his eyes...it hurt too much!
Steve didn't say anything, just walked slowly toward the bed, and just sat next to his brother.
silence taking place and he just waited. They both noticed the shadow in the hallway next to the open door but they said nothing…
'she is fine, she is fine...it's just a nightmare, she is fine!'
He knows this, they'd lived through this for so long now, he knows this new routine and works with it.
Steve knows Bucky wouldn't go back to sleep after a night terror, so they ended up doing something else. He didn't ask what it was, he didn't try to help with anything. He just knew he could do nothing but BE there with him.
Bucky constantly trying to get Steve back to sleep and just leave him alone, he figured after a numerous amount of tries, and it didn't help that Steve was a stubborn son of a bitch that he loves deeply! So he said nothing and did not argue, and just stood silent. relieved that he was safe and sound next to him.
"Wanna watch some Tv?" attempted steve after a moment,
Bucky didn't reply just nodded, focused on the shadow still in place, she didn't move.
"Give me a minute!" Bucky's tired voice replied. The shadow started moving then she was gone.' she is fine, if she's away...she'll be fine'
Checking his phone to see what time of the early morning it was, expecting it to be early, felt disappointed after he saw that it was barely past three thirty a.m!
great, at least he had two hours done!.
He started heading to the bathroom and steve to the living room, Bucky hasn't cried in over many years now. His eyes, they just stopped working even though he felt like crying all the damn time. Sometimes, He presses the flesh hand to his chest to make sure there's still a heartbeat somewhere in there. It can be hard to believe when he looks into the mirror and sees the reflection staring back at him that there's still a person hiding in there, behind a pair of lifeless, dull grey eyes. He wouldn't be surprised if he's forgotten how to function.
He remembered the winter soldier, that familiar stranger straight out of Moon's mind he was reading about throughout the afternoon.
Like in those psychological movies where the character is having his mid-life crisis and start seeing things reflecting in the mirror, the masked face, and the murderous black painted grey eyes paralleled his own in the mirror now, flashes of light reflecting on his arm and made him squirt his red eyes…
He could see him clearly now, looking at him, questioning his weakness, and asking for help? he looked so tired, so beat, and so scared.
Without registering his movement, his flesh arm already reaching for the man in the mirror, flattening his palm over the face in the glass, erasing from the left to the right, and like by magic, his own reflection replaced the previous one…
God he really needed sleep, he knew that it would gradually get better with time. The nightmares never go away, and neither do the panic attacks. That's what the doctors told him They'd been lying.he feels more messed up now!
He considers himself lucky if he has a night where he doesn't wake up screaming, This is his pattern now: sleep and hope for a dreamless one.
That was the last time he really rested, it was days ago
Closing his eyes, Bucky wills himself to take a long, deep breath to try and calm down. Releasing the air in his lungs, splash his face with cold water which wasn't enough,
but what could he do,' just suck it up and keep on surviving...let the living to the ones who deserve it!'
Funny how at the beginning of the night he was so hopeful and that same hope ending up shattered within a few hours. The tangible proof of how fucked up hope can be.