Ok ! this one took me a while!
and still didn't go like I planned it, CUZ I SUCK AT CONFLICTS!
so yeah!
pls comment and say what you think.
Chapter 14
The course of the next couple of days went by dragging the time to the point of seeming unending. And without noticing it, Moon's behavior changed regarding Buck; no doubt about her good intentions, she became protective over him to the point of suffocation, Steve noticed it and said nothing, Bucky, on the other hand, was gradually starting to get pissed off!
After that awful night, the following morning was pleasant enough though. From what He witnessed when he entered the main room where Steve felt them hours ago.
Two brunettes mop heads leaning on each other greeted him sleeping soundlessly.
Bucky's head was on her lap, he deduced that He must have fallen asleep after a while and gradually lowering himself looking for a comfortable position in his slumber'. Because Steve knew Bucky would never have leaned in on her if he was awake! Even less after a nightmare, he sure as hell needed it more than ever though!
That bastard was as stubborn as she was!
And Moon ended up leaning on the back of the couch and his shoulder. A protective hand over his head, fingers buried in his hair. Surely she couldn't resist not playing with that hair of his.
Steve smiled fondly, she really had a massive hair kink and didn't even try to hide it!
He would end up waking up next to her draped on his sides, head resting so close to his a warm hand protecting him and that familiar scent all over him. Good!
With a last look at his friends draped over each other, Steve headed for the fridge smiling, grabbed a bottle of juice and headed out as silently as he could master. A warm smile and very much less worried this time.
Bringing Bucky here, to live with him, to live with her was the best idea he'd ever had for both of his best friends. The plan was going smoothly.
With a final look at the two idiots on the couch, a proud smile on his lips, Steve was ready to have a good day.
…...
Calculate: body behind him, stifling blankets, wrong room.
His muscles ached to run. He held his breath and counted...
Ten...nine...eight….
Not daring to open his eyes yet, He could already tell he fucked up again.
He was weak once again and ended up where he was currently held like a broken puppy seeking warmth and protection.
What a pathetic human being!
After hours of false bravado, playing it though so that no questions would be asked. The dismissive " I'm fine" act was seen through like a goddamn sheer fabric.
He should not be permitted to have the title of 'Sergeant' next to his name, cause right now, he really didn't deserve it.
someone with so little resolve.
A silent sigh, he should really get the hell out of here and scarce somewhere, where he can finally lick his wounds alone.
But dear God! He didn't wanna move an inch! And just say fuck it to his disgraced ego.
He would gladly spend the rest of his miserable life hiding in those arms if it was up to him.
But that little voice in his head would never leave him to enjoy any of it. because He-it was right, he didn't deserve any of it.
What the hell is wrong with me?
He craved affection yet, he keeps running from it and hides!
He could not, he shouldn't
Get a grip, you moron!
Some sleepy, incomprehensible words made him come back to reality, with her hand still stroking his head unconsciously like it was second nature. Squeezing gently now and then as if to make sure that whatever she was keeping safe was still there.
One...two... smooth left to right strokes between his tresses, fingers spreading, thumb circling and blunt nails scratching gently. Unconsciously, these innocent little caresses seemed to calm her too, by the satisfied little sleeping sounds she was making.
He squeezed his eyes shut even though he didn't open them in the first place
Damn! that made his heart thud in his chest.
In the late morning light coming from the huge draped window, bathing the living room with cold sunlight. Making the silent dust molecules visible to his tired eyes once he gathered the courage to finally open them and face the day.
Staring at the table filled with papers and mugs from the night before, the loud city alive at the other side of the glass, and still will be alive even without him.
Staring at the window and convincing himself not to crash through them.
He closed his eyes once again… the well-established pattern already taking it's expected course.
There was a monster deep inside him and he's been feeding it. it was either that or starve.
Starve for Moon's touch, for her smiles, for the security of her embrace. Or let himself burn up in flames.
The hunger left holes in his chest, in his heart.
She moaned again, but this time she rubbed her cheeks constantly over his shoulder from whatever was going in her dreams. His jaw tightened and clenched, muffling a silent groan.
He needed to leave, get the hell out of here.
God! Why does he love this? That shitty night not lost on him but he somehow was woken up calmer.
And he hated that!
He closed his eyes once, inhaled and then opened them once again…
It was a sunny day for Octobre, It would have been perfect for whatever he was planning the night before everything crumbles down… what luck!
I wonder when will we have another perfect weather next...
What is he thinking?!
You hate thing remember!
Not for waking up like this! But ending up finding that the only solution to this shit-case being only by getting closer to her, and dragging her into his hell.
Closing his eyes and enjoying a few seconds more, he needed to get up and get lost and just...just.
With a heavy sigh, he gingerly freed himself. Rolling off, dropping to the carpet, catching himself on his hands to keep it silent. Holding breath; no movement.
The floor wasn't low enough.
At least he had learned to sneak out of a room without waking her now. with the empty space now, Moon made herself more at ease rolling onto her stomach, and like always, stretches like a contented cat on that warm space, head facing the back of the couch hiding from the light.
One last look and went back to his room to freshen up.
With her still sleeping, he couldn't do his usual work out in here, he hated his room for working out.
It wasn't small per se, it was a spacious room but still, he felt closed in. Claustrophobic, especially after a night like yesterday.
He needed air! Air to help him forget that sweet scent that was now part of his life and the bloody images it brought now.
But he didn't wanna go outside, where the masses of people filled the street with their judgmental looks on their faces. He wouldn't be able to handle any of it.
And taking her to her bed was weirdly out of the question this time! He really didn't know why though! Maybe in the way, he still wasn't ready to put doors between the two of them?
Being selfish here Barnes! Make up your mind!
He discovered that she talks sometimes in her sleep. And if she wasn't dead tired she had a light sleep, sleeping with the red light on of -hibernation mode- like she called it.
With a fond and a tired smile, he headed for the kitchen to drink some liquid before starting his morning routine, bare feet dragged, loose hair on his face, juice in hand and thoughts very far away…
Approaching the main window, to check on the unused spacious balcony, left unused due to the rainy season, it remained closed for long.
He was never here now that he thought about it, it was always kept shut.
It must feel awesome in summer or even better, in the late autumn afternoon. He could taste the refreshing breeze on his face.
Now, that space was the answer he needed.
Going back to that mumbling creature on the couch and arranged the warmer on her shoulders, chunked down the juice, Then he headed to his room to get changed. Five minutes later, he was ready to breathe.
He managed to open the tall window with little noise and closed it behind him silently.
the cold October air filled his lungs making him close his eyes and just ...be there.
he zipped back up the zipper of his hoodie, earplugs in, Music was loud and ready.
Forty minutes later his workout was done, shower done. Time for breakfast. Well, it was a bit late for breakfast-more like a brunch- but still, he needed food. Heading back to the living room Moon was obvious still sleeping.
Yeah!who's fault was that!
Starting with his meal, Bucky took the frying pan where it was drying from yesterday's dishes and didn't see the heavy-handled spatula right under it. which ended up on the floor with a glorious metallic sound after he picked the pan out.
FUCK!
"Bucky!" Moon jolted up with a cry. Disoriented.
Shit!
The way she said it was more like when you wake up abruptly from a dream. She didn't expect an answer, and Bucky new it.
But the second 'Bucky' was whispered like she just remembered the events of yesterday and needed confirmation.
"In here!" he replied." Sorry. didn't mean to wake you."
A sleepy yet relieved sigh " It's ok! How long have you been up?" she asked already getting up and heading to the counter " you should have woke me" trying to tame that hair with both hands.
cute!
"Why? You needed sleep."
" You do too…" She whispered with a tired smile. Brown orbs trying to read a bit more to his detached demeanors.
He lowered his gaze down, getting back to the task at hand was his silent answer to not wanting to talk about any of it, she got it and didn't push.
He had some sleep! His traitorous body and mind ganged up on him, ending up falling back under like nothing ever happened! God-damn it!
"I'll go freshen up." She added after a minute of actually trying to start the body function properly without coffee.
He didn't answer and kept to his task. which consisted of beating the hell out of those eggs.
He stayed silent.
She didn't ask questions.
Finally sitting down on the table. Moon had set the table and was now sipping her coffee with contented sighs.
But the difference this morning was where she usually sat, which was mainly in front of him, but today, she was right next to him, so close.
He shifted up a bit with a small sigh, jaw still clenching and relaxing. And Moon straightens up with him, taking his silence as a form of 'Post Nightmare Bucky-ness' she learned to read the room with time living together.
Bucky can't look at her. He keeps his mouth closed and keeps his eyes down. Fearing the time when the questions start and the judgments come.
She didn't say anything yesterday, making it seem like nothing happened, and it was nagging at him hard!
It isn't fair; Why can't he function properly?
Sure! He has nightmares -who hasn't?- and he likes things a certain way and he's completely falling apart. But he still was a regular fucking human being. So why her from all the people he wanted in his life! Why did she have to be the one who pitied him? He thought she could be different.
He bites down on his tongue and waits for the inevitable.
And surprisingly enough, It doesn't come! What the hell! Why?
Why isn't she judging and asking questions! Why isn't she looking at him like he was a goddamn freak with three fucking heads?
Finally starting to eat, Bucky was ready for the blow to come.
She reached for her cup and drank, then she sat it back right next to his and resumed eating her eggs. After reaching back she mistook his cup and chuckled apologized and putting it back.
The blow will come now!
But it didn't and it was more excruciating than ever.
The wait...
This was never like that between them, this awkwardness, But now, he felt it creeping up at him like invisible tentacles of a giant monster.
"Just say it," Bucky mutters after a not so comfortable silence, furious and exhausted.
Say what exactly? Her being silent and not commenting? Isn't that usually what you wanted?
"You think I'm fucked up."
She thinks you're a freak.
"What!" spoon lowered. "Buck, I could never think that about you," He hears her replying, surprised and sounding really offended by the suggestion.
He starts fidgeting with his mug, turning it left and right between his fingers.
He can't scare her off; it's too soon. That's all it is, that's all it is, be normal, FUCK, why can't you be normal!?
Ten...nine...eight...Shit!
He could see her hand starting to move, sure to hold his in an attempt of futile comfort.
"Stop!" the muffled yet exasperated voice shook the silence clearly revealing the temper that was gradually taking form.
"Stop lying to me! You do think I'm crazy or you and Steve wouldn't act like I'm a fucking glass figure! Stop treating me like a fucking infant " He burst out
"What are you talking about Bucky?"She asked eyes gradually going glassy!
Seriously?!
Hands are shaking now, nose flaring, and jaw so tight it actually hurt his teeth.
You're scaring her. Great job freak!
The glass will not last long.
six...five...calm the fuck down!
He knows Moon's watching him, watery eyes, she's already staring and Bucky's trying to do the RIGHT thing for fuck's sake; He's coming off crazy no matter WHAT he does.
"James…?" He hears Moon's slowly ask, but she sounds like she's standing on the other side of a tunnel.
Bucky's breathing catches, he feels his eyes wanting to fill with tears. Swallowing shallowly, he knows nothing will fall. Not saying anything, just lets everything down, stood abruptly and heads to his room, The door shuts like a freaking bullet to her heart if it was possible to hurt from just a sound...
….
'How in the flying hell have I never noticed?
Sure, having major Oscar-worthy acting literally didn't help my case, but still, I knew he wasn't fine! I knew he had issues and still. How did I never notice the small call for help!
Like the way, he set his plate and cutlery. The way the mug and the water glass to his right with the mug handle facing the water glass to the left, he would always turn the mug in place to take the handle with his right hand and drink. The plate centered and the fork, spoon and the knife -if needed- all to the plate's left, all in the same place. Or how he unconsciously rummaged through his plate for 3 seconds with the fork before taking a bite, like checking for something that was not supposed to be in his meal.
When it was finally obvious to me everything just clicked!
How could I've been this ignorant about Bucky's behavior even though he lived with Me?!
when I was the one setting the tables, Bucky would always rearrange his set to the exact same place, witnessing this before I thought well, it was nothing, every one had his habits but now that I think about it, he always did it! Always!
Or those moments where he would stand still for a second just starts counting ascending from ten, like some sort of a calming spell, he would stand still, eyes closed, fist clenching silently whispering to himself 'Ten...nine...eight'… until he got completely calmed down.
Taking the nightmares for granted.
Sure! Nightmares where like the basics, the default settings for someone that's gone through what Bucky had, but Obsessive Compulsive Behavior was very common too, I knew about that. So why hadn't I caught up on that sooner?
Oh! , yeah, Obviously ...I was too busy mooning over him to actually stop and see what's right in front of Me, that's why! Those pink lenses took all of my brain cells and put them into one task; Gushing over Bucky Barnes.
'You Blind Idjit!'
So I wanted to test the theory out!
I was going through my breakfast facing Bucky, looking at everything I missed before.
For the first time, calculating my next move on how I could help him get over some of it!
But I could be reading more to it! Alright, let's try something!
As I was sitting to his right, every time I used my mug with my left hand, I tried putting it closer and closer to his with every sip. To confirm my suspicious observation-late but still- reaching for a sip of coffee and took his mug instead of mine, lifted it to my lips and -Oscar-worthy acting again- 'Oh sorry, thought it was mine huhuhuh'. Put it back but made sure to pivot the handle into the other direction and just like on cue! He went and turned it to its previous state then resumed eating.
'Hun!' it's confirmed then, Bucky had OCD ...Nice! what else did I miss?
I need to get familiar with this as soon as possible, researching everything I could find about OCD and how to try and make them less substantial in the daily life of our beautiful stubborn brown head over here!"
she closed the journal and continued staring at the ceiling lost in her thoughts.
Until Steve's calling to her from the main room.
The sound and vibration of the stretching his arm out and rotating it, curling and uncurling his fingers was a new addition to the silence now. Bucky was restless for the majority of the time he spends with them.
Bucky kept his usual morning exertion following his usual night terrors and his right -on schedule- very short atmosphere was tense in the apartment, and that made everyone uneasy and right on trying to Help! God! what I wouldn't do for him! …'
If he retreated and stood alone in his closed room, questions would be asked! So to avoid it all, he kept them company like nothing ever happened and played it cool. All would be 'Cool' if it wasn't for how much Steve and Moon both new their roommate.
Still, No one said anything.
So yeah!
The course of the next couple of days went by dragging the time to the point of seeming unending. And as expected, Moon's behavior changed regarding Buck; Her usual carefree actions and super contagious affection was diel down very low!
Steve noticed it, didn't understand any of it, but still said nothing. But Bucky was temper was worst, silent and very restless without knowing why!
or did he?! And to show them he was FINE! He as usual made sure to stay in the living room with them even though he said very little to both of them.
So when the two new additions to the house came knocking an evening, the new guests were -what're the right words to use here?-, 'Not the 'bestest?' of time guys!' 'if it's ever a word'
"Moon!" called Steve opening the front door "Bring your ass to the living room Now!