Chapter 62- Astrid Clearwater
"Come on over here," Marcus says, microphone to his mouth. He's grinning unnaturally wide, and for some reason it reminds me of the turtle mutts in the arena. I just keep smiling, head held high, and walk towards him as gracefully as I can with the floor swooping underneath my feet.
"Welcome back, Astrid," Marcus says, reaching out to grab my hand and guide me over to a red velvet chair. "How wonderful to have you back with us tonight!"
"I wouldn't trade this for the world," I tell him, still smiling. The Capitol wants a show, so I'll give them their show. I've seen victors break down during the recaps, crying and hiding their faces from the screen. No matter what I see, no matter what I feel, I can't do that. No weakness.
"Isn't she wonderful?" Marcus shouts to the audience, and they cheer back. "Now, I'd love to talk with you all night, Astrid, but that will have to wait until tomorrow afternoon." The audience groans; why do they care that much about what I have to say about the arena? I'll never understand them. "But now it's time to watch our movie! Astrid, this is your night. How do you feel about seeing your Games all over again?"
I feel like throwing up, that's how I feel. "I can't wait," I say, keeping that smile on my face. I've watched Careers act on stage for years; I just have to act as arrogant as they do. It works for them.
"Then let's get this show on the road!" Marcus shouts, and the audience swells again, cheering and clapping for us. For me. A thought comes to me, but it disappears before I can really figure out what it was. The lights abruptly dim on the stage and the wall at the back lights up into a television screen. The Capitol seal appears first, and I work my fingers into my dress again; the last time I saw that seal, there were dead tributes in the sky.
The movie is going to be three hours long exactly, and every minute of it is going to be horrible. But I'm going to sit through it like a victor should, and I won't cry. I won't cry. I'm not weak. So I'm not going to cry.
The first shots are Delia Charm calling my name, and me walking up to take my place on the stage. I look radically different, to me anyway. I look younger, in that old ill-fitting outfit of mine. From a short and threadbare blue dress and an old navy coat, to blue silk and gold, that's where I've ended up.
After the reapings come the chariot rides, with me and Circuit dressed in wires and metal. I thought I would feel sick when I saw Circuit, but I don't. Just numb. Like he's a boy I didn't ever know. They cut away from the chariots to our training scores, and that beautiful 7 that made me think I really could win this thing. And I did.
When we get to the interviews, I finally put together that they really like putting me in blue. Blue dresses before the Games, during the interviews, and now again. I suppose they think it's my color now or something. But watching myself during those interviews is like watching somebody else entirely. But I'm smart, I play the audience like I should. And I'm not weak then either.
"Do you think we'll be seeing you back here in a few weeks, Astrid?"
"Yes. I'll be back, you'll see."
And I wasn't wrong, now was I? As I watch myself, I keep twisting one hand in my skirt, the other strokes the velvet back and forth, from the smooth side to the rough side and over again. If I could run, I would. Run and never look back. Because now I'm rising up through the tunnel, into the jungle arena.
I automatically tense, but I manage to keep my face neutral. The place of nightmares, the place I never wanted to see again. But there's the Cornucopia, the tributes ringed around it, and the island behind us. As soon as the cannon goes, I take off, and the camera goes straight for the Cornucopia bloodbath.
Almost all the tributes I pegged in Training as bloodbath victims go out immediately, mostly killed by the Careers. No surprises there. The camera cuts to me and Elowyn running, and I clutch my skirt even tighter when I see her. She's dead, but she's alive on the screen, and I wasn't expecting it to hurt this much to see her again.
I have to clench my teeth together to keep from vomiting when the boy from 1 is eaten by a shark, then they cut to the next day when Tilling joined the alliance. The corpse version of her keeps appearing in my head, instead of the fragile girl onscreen. The Careers kill Kiril, and I wish Elowyn could know that he did go out quickly. The girl from 4 kills herself next, and I'm glad she went out quickly too. I wish they were all that lucky.
The girl from 8 is cornered by the girl from 12, and eventually kills her, which surprises me, and Nell and Trestle end up in a clearing with the boy from 8. Where they are looks vaguely familiar, and I can't quite place it, until the memory swims up and I catch it. That's the camp where Elowyn and I passed through the day of the tsunami. It must have been the boy from 8's. Not that it really matters.
He's lit on fire, we all run, disastrously, and end up at the Cornucopia. My heart starts beating fast when I see it, when I see the mutts; I can still feel them ripping into my leg. A quick cut away to Nell and Trestle running from snakes, then it's back to the Cornucopia and us abandoning Tilling to drown. She's dead, they're all dead, and I need to let them go, but the guilt comes unexpectedly. I can't feel for them. I need to push it all away and just watch like it's any other Hunger Games that I've seen.
Girl from 1, boy from 9, both dead. Then I really learn what Circuit meant about the girl on the rock. He had his wire even then I guess, because he creeps up behind Nell, who's injured and sitting on a rock. A sick feeling spreads all throughout my stomach and head when he wraps his wire around her throat; I want to close my eyes, but I don't. I can't. No weakness, not when it comes to Circuit. He didn't break me either.
The boy from 8 dies from touching a frog, which I don't really care about. I didn't know him well, but it still drives a jolt through me to see someone else I knew die. I watch the little girl from 8 drown, then Trestle is speared and tortured to death at Agrippina's hands. My fingers twitch, and I stop them from going to my forehead just in time. Now I know what she means about the boy being more fun. And once he's dead, she kills the boy from 4 for good measure.
Meanwhile, I've been sick on the beach, and I really see how sick I was. And I also see Elowyn staying up all night to take care of me. She had to die so that I could be here watching. But it doesn't make it any better. No matter what I thought in the arena. I watch her helping me when the wave comes, in the trees, everywhere. I couldn't have won without her, and I dealt her a terrible hand in return.
I'm not ready for the finale. I'll never be ready. The mutts, me falling out of the tree; I can feel that red hot pain in my leg, the same leg that now has a metal plate in it to keep it together. Elowyn helping me run, Elowyn always there until Agrippina kills her with her knife. My ally. The girl I met in Training, who threw axes beside me. And now I watch myself throw my axe and kill the boy from 2. And I feel nothing.
Don't look away. Don't look away. I wrap my hands so tightly in my skirt when Agrippina tackles me that I almost rip the fabric. No, I don't want to relive this; this was a hundred years ago and two days ago at the same time; I don't want to see her cut me. But I make myself watch; this is when the whole world is going to be watching me and seeing how I react. My face is up in a little box on the top right of the screen, recording my face, and I keep it as impassive as I can. I look like I don't care about Agrippina torturing me, when inside I want to scream.
She's too busy with me to notice Circuit coming out of the bushes; she doesn't see him until he wraps his wire around her neck, dropping her to the ground. A jolt of terror runs through me when I see him, because he almost killed me. I knew him, I spent a week with him, and he tried to kill me.
And then I have to relive the moment when I killed him instead.
"Yes. Me."
I killed him. And I meant to do it. I didn't have a choice. So why do I feel like crying?
The lights come up and Marcus beams at me as the anthem swells around us. The lights hurt my eyes after being in the dark for three hours, but I don't let myself squint. I ignore the pounding in my head and the feeling of wanting to run, and let Marcus help me up, smiling.
The crowd goes wild as I turn to see the president himself stepping onto the stage, followed by a little girl dressed in blue like me, holding a pillow. The last time I saw President Snow was when Nell was yelling at him during the parade, but now he's here in front of me, and he feels like a threat. Too much has happened since this morning, and I almost feel like going back to that quiet hospital room might be better than this.
President Snow turns to the little girl, who holds the pillow up so that he can take the gold crown from it. He turns, smiling, to look at me, and carefully places it on my head; it feels cold against my forehead. Cold like a knife. Still smiling, he looks me in the eyes, and I'm overwhelmed with the smell of roses.
"Congratulations, Miss Clearwater," he says in a low but authoritative voice.
"Thank you," I reply, and I'm happy with how strong I sound. Like watching twenty-three of my fellow tributes die didn't affect me at all.
The president bows to the crowd, who keep screaming and cheering. I smile as brightly as I can at them, waving my arm off, because that's what victors do. I'm a victor, so I have to play by the rules. No matter what I really feel. No weakness, Astrid. Not even inside.
"Don't forget to watch tomorrow, when we have our final interview with our very own Astrid Clearwater!" Marcus shouts, and I force myself to curtsy. One last interview and I'm free.
All at once, the audience starts to disperse, just as Delia Charm appears next to me and starts steering me off stage.
"Let go of me," I snap, trying to pull away from her, but she has me in too strong a grip.
"We're off to the President's party, isn't that exciting?" she says, ignoring me trying to get away. Don't let her think you're weak. I stop fighting her, and let her drag me away to a car waiting outside. The ground sways again, and all the lights and colors start to blur, but Delia pushes me into the car anyway and follows after, slamming the door behind her. As soon as the door shuts, the car pulls away, and the nausea immediately returns.
I need to think, but everything is too blurry for me to focus. The car is spinning around me, and under me; it feels wrong. Whatever wits I had onstage are completely gone, and all my thoughts are scattered around my head. I don't even have the energy to try and catch them. While the roof rotates above me, I lean my head back on the high seat and will myself to disappear.
"You are going to have so much fun!" Delia pipes the second the car stops. "Come with me, now. Don't be shy."
"I'm not shy," I tell her, pulling my head up; the car does another loop in front of my eyes. My temples hurt, and there's a pressing pain in the very center of my head, like somebody is squeezing me, trying to make me burst. Delia gestures for me to follow her; even though it hurts, I make myself slide out of the car after my escort.
Almost immediately, I'm flanked by cameras and Capitol people, all pressing in to have a look at the newest victor. I'd like to have seen how Circuit would have handled all this. He could never have been a victor; he would have made a terrible one. An unhinged, skinny boy with glasses, who could only kill tributes with a piece of wire. Me, I'm a deadly victor who can use an axe.
I hold my head high and go through the motions, smiling and nodding, and waiting for Delia to get us through this crowd. Spila, Lara, and Sparkle appear behind me, twittering and laughing at something I don't care about. The one thing I do care about is when Beetee steps to my left, watching the people around us.
"Let them," he says quietly, and I almost don't catch it. Let them. Yes. I'll let them look at me, paw at me, talk at me. Because I don't have the resistance in my head to tell them no.
Delia finally clears a path into the President's mansion, the cameras and guests spilling around behind us, and from here I'm immediately lost in a crowd of feathers, bright lights, and colors, where the guests drink from delicate glasses, and the ceiling and floor seem to rotate around me. There's a roaring in my ears that I can't quite shake; nothing makes sense. My prep team is gone. Delia's gone. Even Beetee's gone. I'm alone in this sea of Capitol people and cameras.
"Congratulations!"
"Congratulations on your win!"
"I can't believe you did it! Congratulations!"
Over and over, people keep coming up to me and shaking my hand; I want them to let me go and leave me alone, to be quiet so that the room can stop shifting. The nausea is hitting me full force, and it's all I can do to not vomit.
Let them.
You said let them, Beetee, but where are you now? People wearing fur and feathers and scales, with hair taller than Axel and skin dyed every shade I can think of come up to me and talk at me, but the words stop going in. I smile and nod back, but I can't piece together what to say to them. I'm lost within my own head.
Out of the corner of my eye I can see President Snow taking a sip of some blue liquid in a clear glass, talking to some official looking men. The president isn't young, but he's not old either. A few grey hairs mixed in with the blonde. Why does that come to mind instead of things to say to these stupid people? And even that thought slips away until I can't find it anymore either.
Somebody, I don't even know who, shoves a plate into my hand, and I eat the food on it automatically. What I'm eating, I don't know either. Everything is slowly shutting off, until I can only feel the throbbing in my temples, and the cloudiness inside my head. Inside I'm hollow and quiet and numb. I can't feel anymore or I might melt down in front of everyone. And no weakness. No weakness, ever.
"Astrid, are you alright?" Delia asks, catching my shoulder. I look at her with what I hope is a winning smile, but I think it comes out insane instead.
"It's been a really long day; I'm tired," I tell her, still keeping that smile on my face. Tired isn't weak, it's the truth. I'm sick and tired, and I just want everyone to shut up and leave me alone. Leave me alone!
"Well, it's still early," Delia says, looking nervously around her. "It wouldn't do to leave now."
Please let me leave, Delia.
She brightens, and pats my shoulder what she must think is in a comforting way. "You'll just have to get over it," she says, and walks away, leaving me alone again.
I have to focus and get myself together again. Alright, where am I? I'm in the President's mansion. I'm wearing a blue and gold silk dress. I'm a victor. Get yourself together, Astrid. The floor does another swoop under my feet, and I tip to the side, just catching myself before I fall over. Beetee. I have to find Beetee, because he might let me leave.
"Excuse me," I say, pushing my way past pink and purple and blue dyed people, in sequins and glitter, and stripes. They could be mutts in the arena, designed to kill me, and they're overwhelming me just as if they were. Where's Beetee?
"Have you seen Beetee Latier?" I ask, tapping one person with a long blue tail. I don't even want to know why they have it. "The victor?"
"Oh, no!" he says in that cheery Capitol accent. "Congratulations on your win!"
"Thank you," I force myself to say, before weaving away from him. I'm not walking straight, but maybe they'll think I've drunk too much, indulged in the generosity of the Capitol, instead of having a concussion. I need to get out of here before my head explodes.
A girl in red, carrying a tray. An Avox. "Have you seen Beetee Latier, the victor? Dark skin, short hair? Looks different from everyone else?"
She looks at me with a startled, hunted look in her eyes. For a second my head clears and I know what she's feeling; this is her arena, and she's lost her Games. Then she nods her head, and points off to her right.
"Thank you," I blurt out, tripping over my dress as I try to walk away. "And I'm sorry. For what they did to you." Why did I say that? I have to keep it together, because I'm not weak. I don't look back at her until I'm a few people deep in the crowd, but when I do, she's still standing there, watching me go.
"Excuse me, I need to get through," I say, and the people actually part to let me pass. The floor stops swooping for the moment, letting me march on steady feet again. Stand up straight, Astrid. Walk like a victor. I notice a cameraman off to the side, his lens trained on me, and I fix a smile onto my face, waving every so often at the sparkly and stupid people around me. And in the midst of all this color and idiocy I see my mentor, dressed in black, watching the crowd with a keen interest.
"Are you enjoying the party?" he asks when I finally reach him.
"I'm tired."
Beetee looks at me, then adjusts his glasses. "It's possible to leave now."
"Then let's go," I press.
"Delia and Sparkle will not be pleased," he continues, studying me. Is he looking to see how I'm holding up under the pressures of being a victor? I'm going to show him that I'm fine, that there's nothing wrong with me. I'm the victor, not Circuit. So he should have chosen me, if he actually chose Circuit instead.
"I don't really care."
He makes a chuckling noise in his throat, then nods slightly. "Then let us go."
Beetee leads the way out of the crowd, all the way to the door. Along the way, he makes some sort of hand signals to different people, signals that mean something to them and nothing to me. They must be to bring the others to the front, because when we reach the front door, my prep team and Delia are all sulking by it.
"Where are you going so soon?" one of the cameramen asks. I smile as brightly as I can; my face hurts from smiling all night.
"I want to be well rested for my interview tomorrow!" I say, finally gathering a handful of wits. "I can't let Panem down, now can I?"
"No she can't," Delia adds, jumping in to take charge, which I'm grateful for, because the clouds are forming in my head again. "We will see you all tomorrow!"
With that, Delia seizes my arm again and marches me down the marble steps of the mansion, out to the waiting car. I don't even complain this time about her holding me prisoner, I'm just happy to be leaving this place.
We don't say a word to each other the whole ride back to the Training Center. I just let my head lie back and watch the roof of the car moving back and forth like the waves around the pedestals. Like the waves above the Cornucopia when it drowned Tilling.
The car stops and Delia climbs out, gesturing for me to follow her again. I know she's not happy about having to leave the party early, but I don't care. I don't care about anyone from the Capitol, and I certainly don't care if they're happy or not. They tried to kill me, I shouldn't have to care about them.
Heels clicking away, my escort leads our little parade of people into the Training Center and over to the elevators. I can feel the resentment radiating off of my prep team, but I don't care about them either. And as for Beetee? I have no idea what he's feeling. I don't know if I care either.
As soon as the elevator doors open on the apartment, I get out and head for my room. Nobody tries to stop me; they should know I'm going to do it no matter what they say. The floor moves again and I have to hold onto the wall for a moment before righting myself, weaving down the hall in a blue silk dress. It's wrong, it feels wrong, I don't feel like myself. Astrid Clearwater never stumbled or lost her thoughts.
The door slams behind me when I get into my room, or I slam it, or something. I don't care about that either. All I care about is getting to my bed. I just about fall onto it, but I manage to pull myself on top of the soft blankets that cover it. I draw my knees up to my chest and listen to the absolute silence.
With shaking hands I touch my temples, where the pressure is squeezing me from the inside out. Elowyn, why did you have to put me in that tree? It's over, the Games are over. But I'm still confused. And I saw them all die tonight, I saw Elowyn and Circuit and Agrippina and Tilling, all the people who are going to stay with me until I figure out a way to get rid of them. They had to die, they all had to die so that I could live.
I'm alive. I'm here.
But I don't know why.