Chapter 78- Astrid Clearwater

"President Snow."

"Miss Clearwater, why don't you have a seat." He gestures to a chair on the opposite side of the desk he's sitting behind. I don't understand. Finally, my legs jerk back into motion and I walk across the room to where the president is sitting, but I still don't understand.

"Sit." My hands are starting to shake again, so I sit down like he asks and hold them against my skirt.

I don't know what to say, or if I'm supposed to say anything. My head is still foggy from the crowd and the champagne, and I don't know why I'm sitting here opposite the president. He's studying me, but I can't get myself together enough to read him.

No weakness, Astrid. No weakness.

"Have I done something wrong?"

My thoughts are scrambling back together, piecing themselves in a glass structure that could collapse at any moment. I can't lose control. Absolutely not here.

President Snow laughs, but it doesn't sound humorous. "Oh no, Miss Clearwater. I wanted to congratulate you on your victory."

"Thank you."

"The first female victor from your district. That is impressive."

"I like to think so."

I don't understand.

"How are you finding your life as a victor?"

"It's everything I could dream of," I say, and smile. "Thanks to the Capitol."

"Let us make an agreement, Miss Clearwater. You might think you're clever, and I have no doubt that you are, but let us speak frankly with each other. There is no point in deceiving, now is there?"

"No, I suppose not."

Those snowy woods with their cardinals are so distant right now. All of the districts are; all of the fields and trees and orchards and factories; they're all gone. They've all been replaced by this place, in President Snow's office, and the whole of Panem has fallen away, leaving me sitting here with my hands in my lap.

He's not my ally. He's the man who wanted me to die in the arena; he's the engineer behind the whole Games. And I have no idea why I'm sitting across from him now.

I have to stay in control. I'm my only ally, I've always been my only ally, and I have to think my way out of this.

I can't lose myself like that night in the rain-

"Excellent. Now, you have made quite a stir in the Capitol, but I cannot say I didn't see your reception in the districts. They were colder than you might expect, don't you agree?"

"They were intimidated by me. That's all."

"And your reaction in District 2 raised more than a few eyebrows."

"It was the end of a long Tour."

He chuckles and leans back in his chair. How old is he? I'm looking at him closer than I did at that party months ago, and there's more grey in his blonde hair than I thought. Late forties?

Why am I thinking about how old he is? He's the President, and he's sitting on the other side of this desk.

No weakness.

"Did you know, Miss Clearwater, that you are exceedingly popular in the Capitol?"

"I'd hope so. I'm this year's victor."

"Our victors in recent years have been somewhat, lacking."

I don't understand. Why am I here?

I need to understand, but my mind isn't focusing properly.

"I'm sure last year's was a disappointment," I say evenly. Riptide Morain, irreparably damaged from the arena.

I wasn't damaged. I was- am- better than the other victors. Because I didn't break in the arena like they did.

I'm fine.

I'm in control.

"The boy was an unfortunate case," President Snow says, reaching over and picking up a white rose that's been lying on the desk near his hand. "Hardly worthy of the Capitol's attentions."

I can't speak. I don't know, I don't understand anything.

I'm not weak. I'm not.

"The betting pools were shallow this year," he continues, twirling the rose around and looking into the petals. "You, however, made a bigger ripple than any of the others."

"That's why I'm sitting here," I say.

I'm unbreakable.

"Yes, I suppose that is why." He looks up from his rose and meets my eyes directly.

I'm not scared. I'm not. It's just that he's the president, and he wanted me dead, and now I don't know what he wants.

I need to understand so that I can think my way out, but that champagne is clouding my head again, and my thoughts keep slipping out of reach.

No weakness.

"The bigger the ripple, the more impact it has on its surroundings. And you, Miss Clearwater, are the largest ripple here in the Capitol."

My hands are still shaking, even though I'm wrapping them in my skirt.

I'm fine.

"I have a proposal for you," he says, leaning forward slightly with a half smile. I can't read him, not well. He's too smart to let me into his head, but I don't trust him.

Of all the people in Panem, I trust him the least.

"Alright."

"I will make this offer once, and only once, Miss Clearwater."

"You have to say yes. It doesn't matter what they're going to ask you, you have to say yes, because it won't end well if you don't."

That thought is gone before I can even grab at it.

"Alright."

"There are a great many people in the Capitol who would enjoy your company. They, of course, would compensate you well for your visits. Betting is costly, Miss Clearwater, and one must repay one's debts."

My thoughts lock in and crack apart at the same time.

I understand.

I finally understand.

Mags, Silver, Aero-

They all knew.

They all knew and they didn't tell me.

They didn't tell me.

Beetee didn't tell me.

I'll kill them all.

"I'm not your whore."

He chuckles. "No, not mine. The Capitol adores you, Miss Clearwater, and such a novel victor should stay in the public eye for more than a year. And again, I tell you that debts must be repaid."

"I'm not doing it," I snap, and for the first time since last summer, I feel like I finally have my head on straight. I'm pushing the cracks, the glass sculptures, the fire, everything back, because he can't make me do it. I don't care if he's the president, he won't sell me to the Capitol to pay back the debts I shouldn't even have to pay.

"They're not my debts; if you want them paid, go to Beetee."

"Beetee Latier? He is more use to me in his lab than he would be in some Capitol woman's lap. You, however, Miss Clearwater, have no such use."

"I don't care how many electronics he gives you in his lab; I'm not selling myself to the Capitol. I won; they won their bets on me. I don't have any debts to anyone in this city."

Blue silk. I need blue silk.

I'm fine. Fine.

Don't shatter.

"Is that your final answer?"

"Yes."

I'm going to kill Beetee when I leave this room. I'm going to murder them all as soon as I see them, because the arena never stopped; I'm still in there, and that means the arena rules still apply. I see an enemy, I kill it.

But I can't kill the man sitting in front of me.

He smiles at me and tilts his head, making my hands shake harder. He won't kill me. He won't. I'm the victor, I'm the Capitol's victor, and I need to get out of the Capitol now.

But he could kill me. I said no. I said no to President Snow, and it doesn't matter whether I'm a victor or not; he could have me eliminated in minutes. Because I said no to becoming a Capitol toy.

I'm unbreakable. I swear I am.

Pushing his chair back, President Snow stands up, and I do the same. I don't know what I'm feeling; the fogginess is settling back in again, and I don't know. I understand, but I don't.

I'm going to kill Beetee, because he knew.

I won't kill Aero, because he didn't have time to tell me. And somehow, I know that he would have.

President Snow walks straight around the desk, looking like he's about to leave his office, but he doesn't. He pauses in front of me instead and holds out the white rose.

"Give my regards to your mother and brother."

With one last smile, President Snow opens the heavy doors to his office, leaving one slightly ajar behind him.

And leaves me standing in his office, holding the white rose as the whole world starts to fall apart.