I am so sorry for the lack of updates; first it was Christmas, then I got a concussion (oops), and then school started. There are two more chapters planned after this one, and then our story will be coming to a close. Keep well, and I'll do my best to get the last two done soon.
Chapter 81- Terra Coppersmith
I forgot spring could be this beautiful.
"Aren't you done that yet?" Deecey says, reaching out for Eli, who's wandering close to Woven. He's just walking, and a novelty to everyone because of it. He reminds me so much of Iry, and it hurts. It still hurts. I think it's always going to hurt.
"Almost." I finally let the canvas rest in my lap and look around at everything. While I took up painting and Shuttle started cooking, Woven got into the spirit and started gardening in March. Now, with the sun shining in her backyard, her work is finally blooming.
"I'm just about human now," Shuttle says, carefully braiding the stems of cut flowers together into a chain. Today is one of the few times I've seen her in a dress outside of the Capitol; I didn't even know she owned it. I won't wear dresses; I won't let anyone see more of my legs than they have to.
"I'd hope so." Woven sits back on her heels, her hands covered in dirt from where she's been weeding in between her flowers.
Eli toddles the final few steps towards Woven, tripping over the grass before he reaches her. "That's a boy, here," Woven says, wiping her hands on the grass before she grabs him.
"Sorry, he's everywhere right now," Deecey says, but she's grinning.
"Good." Woven reaches up to the bush above her and pulls down a lilac blossom. "For you, young man." Eli squeals and runs as fast as he can back to Deecey. When I look at Shuttle, she's smiling.
We didn't have a backyard like this when Iry was starting to walk, so she would just go around and around the living room, and she always tried to touch the stove as she went by it. It was so difficult to be almost nine and chasing her while trying to do other things. But it was worth it, for Iry.
She's never going to see spring again. Nothing's ever going to be the same without her, but I can see her today, even though she was never back here. I can almost see her picking flowers and chasing Eli around the yard.
Shuttle won't let it drown me again, not when I haven't had a flashback in three days. I lost Iry almost a year ago now, and I'm still not convinced completely that she's gone; even though I know where she is on the hill, a part of me believes that she's not dead. That she didn't drown and she'll come back to me.
I don't want to forget her, and without the overwhelming feeling of drowning I'm scared I'm going to.
"Can I have a few more flowers, Woven?" Shuttle asks.
"I'm not going to have any left once you're done," Woven says, but I can tell she's not serious. The whole yard around us is full of flowers; lilac bushes and lines of tulips and other flowers that I have no idea what they're called. Woven ordered the seeds, and they came in on the train.
"Grow more." Woven throws a piece of twig or something at Shuttle, but she ducks in time. "Nice try, Woven."
For once, Shuttle's hair is loose, and it looks longer than it does when it's in her usual braid. The crown of flowers that her chain turned into is slightly lopsided on her head, but she's smiling. I know why she's mainly smiling; Aero's latest letter is lying open next to her.
"What did Aero say?" I ask, shifting to the side. I don't think I'll ever be used to my legs, and they keep getting in my way when I'm sitting.
"Nothing at all." Shuttle closes her eyes and tilts her head up to the sun, but she's bright red, which means Aero said a lot more than what she's telling us.
"Hand it over, Shuttle," Deecey says, dodging the flower Eli's shaking in her face. "I think we all want to know what nothings he's saying."
"I promise you, you don't."
"Your golden boy's not being so polite is he?"
"Shut up, Woof."
"Nice way to say hello," Woof says, walking past me. "Looks good, Terra."
"Don't tease me," I say, half covering my canvas.
"Why would I do that?" Woof stops and looks around at the back of Woven's house, which is radically different from the rest of the Victor's Village mansions now. "Like what you've done with the place."
"You should get your backyard together too, instead of sitting in your living room staring at the wall," Woven says, yanking out another weed.
"I don't stare at the wall."
Woven raises her eyebrow, but she doesn't ask anything else. Frankly, I don't think any of us wants to know what he does inside all day. Woof keeps his secrets, and we keep ours.
"Sit down and I'll make you a flower crown," Shuttle says, patting the ground in front of her.
"Absolutely not."
"Come on, Woof, join the party."
"No- what's your name?"
"Deecey? We've known each other for a while," Deecey says, spinning Eli around and pushing him towards Woof. "Look, Eli wants you to sit down. Can you say Woof?"
"Wo! Wo!" Eli waves his lilac around as he takes short stumbling steps towards Woof on chubby legs. That's one thing I like about being victor; even though Deecey says no, I still get to give her money to make Eli fat.
"Fine."
"Good, now take the baby and sit down." Deecey looks straight at me and grins, and I grin back before I realize what I'm doing.
"What color do you want, Woof?" Shuttle asks, already getting up with outstretched arms towards the flowers.
"Don't care."
"You're helpful."
Eli cheers and falls into Woof's lap. It's obvious that Woof has no idea what to do with kids. I don't think I've actually seen him with Eli before. Then again, Woof doesn't come out much. "Sit," he says, but Eli jumps up and smacks him in the face with the lilac.
"He's not a dog, Woof," Woven says, sending Deecey into giggles.
"Despite the name," she mutters through laughter.
"What was that?" Woof asks, finally turning Eli around and sitting him firmly down on his lap.
"She was mocking you."
"Thank you, Woven, for the commentary."
"You're welcome."
"You can have blue and purple," Shuttle says, breaking stems off here and there. "You can be the king of District 8."
"And what a king he will be," Woven says wryly.
"Shut up, Woven."
"Oh? Saying that to the woman who kept you alive?"
"I told you, if you haven't cashed that favor in yet, you're never going to."
"I'm still thinking about what I want," Woven says.
"It's been twenty-five years; how are you still thinking about it?" Woof exclaims, moving Eli around again. "And stop hitting me in the face with that." Eli giggles and whacks Woof again.
"You're not going to win that battle," I say. My paints are starting to dry out; if I'm going to work on the painting, I have to do it now. Looking at it close up, I think it might actually be close to done. Shuttle really does look human now, and it actually looks like her. It should; I've been painting her for months.
"Which battle are we talking about here?" Deecey asks. "The favor or the flower?"
"Both. You haven't won much in twenty-five years," I say, focusing on my canvas instead of Woof's expression, which I'm sure is priceless.
"Thank you for reminding me." Something hits me in the cheek, and I startle.
"Don't do that!"
"Quit the mocking then," Woof says. "Just a flower."
"Here, put it on," Shuttle says, holding out the newly made flower crown to Woof. "Become the king."
"He's got his hands full; put it on him," I tell her. Shuttle listens and carefully sets the wreath on his head.
"Beautiful." Shuttle grins and sets her hands on her hips. "The colors really bring out your eyes."
Woof doesn't say anything, just shakes his head, making the crown tilt sideways.
"Iry would have loved a pink crown," I blurt out and everyone freezes. "She would have."
"She would," Woven agrees carefully.
This is the first time I've mentioned Iry out loud in a long time; not since the Victory Tour. And it's the first time that I've said her name without wanting to cry.
"She would have liked today, too," I continue. "She always liked spring."
"I remember when we would take her walking and she would roll down the cemetery hill," Deecey says. I nod.
"She would always get grass stains in her clothes and they were horrible to get out."
"Didn't she play a skipping game out front?" Woof says, unexpectedly. "With a few other girls?"
I didn't know he noticed her, or even looked out his front window. "She had two friends from school who would come over to play a lot- Aja, Aja and," I pause trying to think of the other girl's name, "Carding. They were all close."
"She'd like it back here," Woven adds. "She was always gathering flowers from the hill and putting them in water on the tables."
Shuttle hasn't said anything; she's just up gathering more flowers quietly.
"I'm sorry for bringing her up," I whisper; it's changed the air back here completely.
"Don't be. She shouldn't be forgotten," Woven says brusquely. "Not after everything that happened."
"Do you think they've forgotten her in the Capitol?"
"They don't matter."
"One person does," Shuttle says over her shoulder.
"Aero is an outlier," Woven says. "Everyone in the Capitol but Aero doesn't count. All the other victors and us, we'll remember her, and that's what matters."
I nod and dab a little more paint on the canvas, then sit back. "I think it's done."
"Let's see!" Deecey says, pushing herself up off of the grass. "It looks great, Terra."
"You got Shuttle down," Woven adds, looking back and forth between the painting and Shuttle, who's braiding another crown. "And there's not going to be any flowers left at that rate."
"Like I said, you can grow more," Shuttle says. "It's beautiful, Terra, thank you." It's a relief having the picture done, but at the same time I'm sad it's over. But I did it. I painted it even with my hands, and I have to feel proud about it.
"I want Postumius now," Woof says, finally setting Eli back on his feet. "Go back to your mother, boy."
"You have such a way with children," Deecey says, opening her arms wide for Eli to run into them.
"Putting it nicely," Woven mutters.
"But Postumius, stuffed, on my wall," Woof says, going back to his previous point. "Full sized, and dart worthy."
"Dart worthy?" Deecey asks.
"His forehead will make a good target."
"I have an idea for my next painting first," I say, and I smile. The spring breeze is blowing over me, but it's warm and doesn't hurt. I don't hurt as much right now. Maybe I really am starting to come out of the water a little. It's going to drown me again, I know it is, but for right now I can breathe better than I have since July.
"Here, Terra," Shuttle says, holding out her wreath to me. "Yellow for you, and pink for Iry."
I can feel tears starting, but I take the crown anyway and put it on my head. Shuttle doesn't go back to her previous spot; instead she sits down beside me and rests her head on my shoulder. The soft flowers and her hair tickle my arm, but having her next to me helps. It always does.
"We're always going to be a team," she whispers, and I nod. "And Iry is going to be part of that team forever too." I nod again, and wipe tears off of my face.
"What does our friend Aero have to say?" Woof says, reaching across and grabbing the letter that Shuttle unwisely left on the grass.
"No!" Shuttle shrieks, but it's too late. Her feet are tangled in her dress and she can't get up in time to stop him.
"My dearest Shuttle. I am counting the days until you return to the Capitol; you know I'd rather be with you than anywhere else in the world," Woof starts, dodging Shuttle's grabbing hands.
"Give it back!" Deecey's laughing, lying on her back with Eli sitting on her stomach; even Woven is cracking up.
"My father continually tries to pair me up with the Capitol girls, but I always say that my heart is promised to someone else- he'd never guess it was you. My Shuttle, when you return, as soon as I see you alone I will-" Woof breaks off and stares at Shuttle incredulously. "Well, well, Shuttle, you must be looking forward to going back to the Capitol."
"Shut up, Woof," Shuttle says, finally grabbing the letter, her face the brightest shade of red I've ever seen her turn.
"Alex and Aero would get along very well I think," Deecey says airily, lifting Eli in the air above her head as he laughs his head off.
"Oh?" I ask, and this time Deecey turns red.
"In personality, Terra."
"If you say so," I say, grinning. Shuttle, still bright pink, folds the letter into three and sits down hard next to me.
"It's a warm May this year," Woven says, swiftly changing the subject.
"Finally not freezing my ass off in my house," Woof replies.
"Language, and turn up the heat."
"You don't get to tell me language."
"Shut up, Woof."
"No."
Shuttle laughs and lies back on the grass, her crown falling up and off her head. "It's a good day," she says. I can tell that Woof reading Aero's letter hasn't affected her too much. Nothing to do with Aero can keep her upset for long.
"Is it?" I ask. "Even after your letter?"
"Yes. It is," she replies firmly, arms stretched out so that she looks like she could be ready to fly up into the sky at any moment.
And even with everything that has happened, after Iry and Fletcher and everyone I love who has died, I have to agree with her.
It is a beautiful day.
Shuttle told me last week that spring is the only time of year that the Capitol leaves us alone.
"Summer, we get the Games, fall, we try to forget them. Winter, we get the Victory Tour, but nothing happens in spring. January to July, we're free."
I can't be free without Iry.
"You were the best, of any of us," I say, running my fingers through the grass and small white flowers that have grown up since winter ended. "I promise, I'm not forgetting you. I can't; I won't ever. I miss you so much, Iry."
The marble headstone is quiet, while the warm breeze blows around it and moves my hair into my face. The words on it mean so much, and so little at the same time, because there was so much more to my sister than her name.
Iry Coppersmith, age 13.
Loving and Loved.
"We talked about you today, and I didn't cry," I continue, still running my fingers through the green grass. The whole hill is covered with green now, except for the two new graves a few rows away. I don't know either of them; there are only four headstones on this hill that matter to me. "Woof said he used to see you playing your skipping game out front."
She would laugh, and her friends would laugh and sometimes fall over, but she was happy. Iry was almost always happy, which means her life wasn't lived for nothing. She was beautiful and funny and the best parts of our family put together. And now she's gone, and I can't get her back. My sister is six feet below me under the earth.
My Iry.
"I love you," I whisper, resting my forehead on the headstone. "I always will."
My sister. No matter what Shuttle and Woven say, no matter how much of a family we are, I'm still the last one. Iry's gone, and I'm the last one from my family alive.
It hurts.
"You worried about me more than yourself, I know that. You always did. So don't worry about me now. Mother and Father have you, and Fletcher has you. He promised."
I can see her dancing on the hill, about to roll down it, her hands full of flowers. I see her in the rainbows when it's raining, and in her cat, and in every space of District 8. I'll never go back into my house, either of them, in Victor's Village or on Engineering Road. Iry's doll is on my bed, and her picture is up above my wall, and I can't go back.
She's almost always laughing when I see her in my head.
"Mags said she's watching out for you when she's on the beach," I continue. I called Mags last week, like she asked me to. She promised me that Iry's fine, and Mags wouldn't lie to me.
Finally getting to my feet, I awkwardly stand up and almost fall over on the uneven ground. "Here, Shuttle made this for you," I say, pulling the flower crown off of my head. "Pink for you, yellow for me." Carefully, I drape the wreath over the edge of the marble headstone, and step back.
"It's spring, Iry," I finally say. "I'll love it for you."
I rub the top of the marble gently, then walk past it, deeper into the cemetery. It's the first time since July that I haven't cried after visiting Iry. That pain inside is still trying to drown me, but today I'm almost at the surface. Almost.
But my sister is dead and I'm alive, and it's never going to be okay. Never.
Rolling a flower between my fingers as best I can, I finally reach the headstone I'm looking for. "I'm back, Fletcher. I brought you a flower." Gently, I set the flower on the ground just below his name. Somebody else has brought a small bouquet of wildflowers; I'm guessing his mother. I see her up here sometimes, and we nod to each other.
"You would love Woven's garden," I say, running my hand up and down my arm as I talk. Those few, beautiful days come to mind whenever I come here. When I fell in love, and lost it in the same week.
None of it is fair, and I hate the Capitol for it. If I hadn't been reaped, if Fletcher hadn't been reaped, maybe Deecey and Alex could have each other, and Fletcher and I could have had each other too. Everything could have been as beautiful as it was in the Capitol and in the arena.
"I'll bring you some more of her flowers; Shuttle's been making wreaths of them today." He made me a wreath of flowers too, a white one, on that beautiful day when he told me he loved me. He loved me and he died for me, which means it's my fault he's under the ground too.
I've lost too many people to the Capitol.
"You know I love you. I always will," I whisper, running my hand over the marble like I did with Iry's. "I'll be back. I promise."
I stop two more times before I start down the hill. Once at the headstone that says Maria Coppersmith, and the other that says Murdo Coppersmith. My parents. I run my hand over each; over the last two people I've lost.
Then I start home.
As soon as I walk through the gates into Victor's Village, I can hear Shuttle and Woven laughing. Deecey left half an hour before I went to see my family, and Woof disappeared into his solitary confinement a few minutes before that.
Shuttle's house is quiet when I open the door; I guess it's my house too now, since I've lived here almost a year. It's better being with Shuttle; neither of us are alone now, and we don't have to face the dark by ourselves either.
I need them; I need them all.
Everything hurts, because I don't have my sister. Iry's ghost is still running through the halls after her cat, but she's still laughing.
If I come out of the water completely, I'll forget her, and I don't want to move on. I can't. But today I can breathe. It still hurts, but I can breathe.
She was so loved.
Outside the open window, I can still hear Woven and Shuttle laughing; it's spring and the Capitol doesn't care about us yet. So I pull my drawing book down off of the bookshelf and sit down on the couch to open the book to a blank page. I need to sketch out my next painting.
My sister, smiling. And with a wreath of pink and yellow roses around her head.