Chapter 7:
Explanations
Lily Evans drummed her fingers on the wooden table, silently rebuking herself for letting an already pissed Sirius stumble his way over to the bar alone yet again. She had owled Sirius, Remus and Peter once she woke up from her magically induced sleep, and asked if they wanted to go to a pub. Remus said he was packing—Dumbledore wanted him to return to his previous mission. Peter said he had a company dinner. So Sirius and Lily had picked the closest magical pub—Hog's Head— and now she was playing babysitter. Earlier, she just managed to catch him as he was climbing on top of a table, pushing the plates and glasses out of the way, as the occupants watched in horror. Another time, she happened to spot him levitating peanut shells and stacking them up in a tower on top of a rather large, muscular man's bald spot, and was able to drag him away with some half-arsed explanation, before the man realized what had happened.
Sirius wasn't the most sensible when absolutely smashed.
"Thank you for being such a lovely audience tonight. We are going to sing, one of my personal favorites, one I do believe many of you know, 'Wild Rover'." Lily's lips quirked upward at the deep Irish brogue, and the pub erupted in cheers. The band tonight, "Kiss of a Banshee", was quite good. Made up of a group of roguish looking boys, probably just out of Hogwarts, their voices were rough and not always on tune, but the gusto with which they sang made Lily forget their flaws.
"I've been a wild rover for many a year, and I spent all me money on whiskey and beer!" There. Lily saw him, clutching yet another tall glass of firewhiskey, heading unsteadily but purposefully in the opposite direction of their table.
"...with gold in great store, and I promise to play the wild rover no more!" Hastily, the redhead gathered her purse and jacket, and began trying to make her way to him through the maze of people, hoping that she wouldn't lose sight of him.
"And its no, nay never! No, nay, never, no more! Will I play the wild rover, no never, no more!" Nearly the whole pub joined in for the chorus, taping on the tables, clanking glasses together, beer splashing on the floor. Lily gave up on being polite and pushed her way through.
"I went to an alehouse I used to frequent, and I told the landlady me money's all spent." She saw Sirius talking to another man obstructed from her view, rather heatedly, and hoping that he hadn't tried to make a pass on this bloke's wife or something, she walked faster, almost to him.
"I asked her for credit, she answered me nay, such a custom like yours I could get any day!" Sirius leaned over the table, saying something Lily didn't quite catch, and spit on him. She finally made it to the table, and choked on the hasty apology she rehearsed many times that evening, as she met the gaze of one familiar, messy haired man.
"And its no, nay, never! No, nay, never, no more! Will I play the wild rover, no never, no more!" James Potter wiped the spittle off his cheek, mouth tight in a straight line, and punched Sirius on the jaw.
"You don't know what you're talking about." He said coldly, and began to turn away to leave. One hand holding his jaw, Sirius punched James in the face, and Lily winced at the familiar crack of bones. James cupped his nose, red leaking out from between his fingers, a trickle running down his wrist. The music stopped and several people began to gather around the two.
"Oi! You two! Out! There'll be no fighting in my pub!" The barman, a wizened, stout man did a complicated series of jabs and flicks with his wand, causing the doors of the pub to open, picking up Sirius and James by some invisible force, and throwing them out. After a moment of silence, the group wandered away back to their tables, and conversation returned. Looking at the door of the pub, Lily wondered if perhaps she ought to follow them, to make sure the two didn't kill each other.
"It's not my fight." She muttered to herself, before heading to the bar to order another drink. "They are 21, old enough to take care of themselves. They'll be fine." The redhead nodded to herself, twisting the frayed ends of her scarf between her fingers.
"What'll you have, Lass?" The barman turned to her. He'll probably pass out in the snow somewhere, bloody and frostbitten.
"Sorry, what?" She shook her head, trying to erase the images of Sirius. The barman smiled kindly. He can handle himself; it's not like they never fought before.
"I asked, what'll you be having?" But what if they duel? A drunk, angry Sirius with a wand...
"Damn you, Sirius Black!" Lily spat, feeling nearly mad with worry, as she abruptly turned on her heel, stalking out of the pub, leaving the barman with a bemused expression etched on his grizzled face. Grimacing, she stepped out into the cold, biting wind, wrapping her scarf tighter. It was the beginning of march, and yet it felt like the beginning of February. Quickly pulling out her wand from her coat pocket, she cast a heating charm, and felt slightly better. But only slightly. Her yellow Wellingtons made sloshing sounds, as she tromped through the mix of slushy snow and ice, straining her eyes in the dark for the pair.
She glanced back longingly at the Sphinx's Riddle sign of the warm pub, tempted to return, when she spotted two dark shapes, wrestling on the ground. Lily stopped edging forward, feeling stupid that she followed after them.
"And its no, nay, never! No, nay, never, no more! Will I play the wild rover, no never, no more!" The strains of the song faintly drifted to her as she got closer, and she debated about casting two shield charms.
"I'll go home to my parents, confess what I've done. And I'll ask them to forgive their prodigal son!"
But, soon, they stopped moving. Lily squinted and watched as Sirus released James from a headlock. She let them lay listlessly in the snow for just a minute, and then she marched over to them, fingering her wand as she murmured "Lumos".
"Need a hand?" The bright white light caused Sirius to squint and groan; James remained motionless, facedown in the snow. "Upsie-daisy!" She said in a sing-song voice, swishing her wand absentmindedly, which forced both boys on their feet, though unsteadily. Instinctively wrapping her free arm around a sopping wet Sirius's waist, and looping her other through an also wet James's arm, she closed her eyes and focused on picturing the inside of her flat. After an uncomfortable moment, where she felt her insides squish together, they staggered into her living room.
"Both of you idiots: sit right here. I'll be back in a second." Lily said, untangling herself from the boys, she glanced back at them, hoping that they could do even that without too much trouble, as she headed to the bathroom cabinet.
"...Bruise Balm, soothing salve, Skele-Grow, Pepper-up Potion..." She muttered to herself, tucking the strands of her red curly hair behind her ear. Lily accidentally tipped a glass flask over, in her haste to pull out her emergency healing kit from her bathroom cabinet, and the resulting crash of glass cut the silence of her flat.
"Alright Lily?" Sirius called out hesitantly, limited somewhat by the swelling and bruising of his jaw. She smiled sardonically as she muttered "Reparo", wondering if James felt that he won, in some small way, since he still managed not to speak a word since they apparated to her flat.
"Yes, I'm fine." She lifted the rather large, gaudy neon orange case, and struggled with it down the hall, into the main room and got her first clear look at the two of them. Sirius sat on a stool with his usual perfect posture, blood still dripping off his chin unto his navy jumper from his cracked bottom lip, his hands tightly fisted, making the torn flesh of his knuckles even more prominent. He kept his bloodshot gaze focused on the window, ignoring the man sitting on a similar stool to the right of him. She almost smiled, noting the same stubborn stance in the bespectacled man.
After quickly casting a heating charm, to dry their clothes, and pouring two small cups of pepper-up potion, she stood awkwardly before them, struggling to view them just as patients. Lily took a deep breath.
"Right. Sirius, I'll start with you." Her voice took on a more professional tone, as she thrust the cups at both of them. I can do this. She opened the emergency case, and fished out two small corked bottles, and a circular, translucent container.
"Your jaw has the potential to be an issue, depending on if it is simply dislocated or fractured, but other than that, I think the rest of your injuries can be healed easily enough. If it was broken, you wouldn't sit there so calmly." She said confidently, trying to balance all three objects in her arms as she came toward him. Sirius glanced up from the window and nodded at her.
"Point to where you feel the most pain." He pointed to the area in front of his right ear, which was slightly swollen.
"Can you close your mouth all the way?" Lily watched as he tried, thinking hard for a spell she could use. Potions were completely out-he couldn't open his mouth any wider than a couple inches, and was unable to shut it. Episkey only fixed minor injuries. Several more questions later, she determined that it must be fractured and muttered, "Brackium Emendo". His jaw snapped back into place, the swelling receding greatly.
"It might be sore for a couple of days, but you should be fine." He stretched his mouth experimentally as Lily reached for the container of bruise balm she had placed on the floor next to his stool.
"I got hurt." His baritone voice, hoarse from firewhiskey and the cold, made Lily flinch, nearly dropping the balm. She focused so entirely on healing Sirius's jaw that she had forgotten (pushed out of her mind) James quietly sitting only five feet away from them. Sirius shifted slightly on the stool, his gaze never straying from the window, and remained silent. "I was two months in on an extremely sensitive mission and one night I came back to the place I was using as a home base, about to contact my superior about a lead I had gotten, and there was this parcel sitting there on a table, addressed to me." Lily turned to him, trying to comprehend his words. His mouth twisted into a grim smile, his chin raised at a stubborn angle, his eyes masked by the glare on his glasses from her fluorescent lights.
"I shouldn't have, but I opened it, and then for the next seven weeks I laid unconscious in a hospital, locked into some endless, hellish nightmare." His hands tightened into fists, a muscle in his cheek jumping. The redhead opened her mouth, to say something, anything. "I had to go through therapy for six months before I was cleared to work." He glanced once at Sirius, who was still staring blankly out the window, trying to gage his response.
"I still should have mirrored you. But I'm a git. And I was confused."
Lily unscrewed the cap to the balm, dipped her fingers into the white, slightly tinged green cream, and numbly began to spread a light layer of it onto the big, rather colorful bruise marring Sirius's left cheek, her mind buzzing with James's ...what? Apology? If anything, it was a terse explanation, with no hint of remorse or expectant of forgiveness, just of acceptance.
And clearly, not at all aimed toward her.
"Well, your stint in the hospital hasn't affected your fighting much. You still can't throw a decent punch." She could feel the vibrations of Sirius's voice on her fingertips as she finished smoothing the cream in, and stared at him in shock.
"Sirius! What-" Her strangled whisper was cut off by a snort.
"This coming from the bloke whose jaw I just fractured!" James attempted to sound indignant, but the effect was ruined by his chuckle. "You're mad." Both men turned and grinned at each other.
"Men are queer creatures." She muttered to herself, shaking her head in bemusement. Sirius turned to face her immediately, a challenging glint in his eye.
"And you women aren't?" Lily rolled her eyes, and went back to fixing the rest of his small injuries—his cracked lip, the broken skin on his knuckles, the scrapes down his neck.
"I think you've healed every bit of me, Lil." Sirius tugged his sleeves back down, after the redhead had healed a shallow, inch long scratch and a bruise the size of a knut on his forearm. Lily sighed. She'd been stalling as much as possible. Sirius stood up and stretched, forcing her to take a couple steps toward James.
"Well, I'm off to the loo," He announced loudly, and Lily felt a jolt. She'd have to talk to James directly, with no Sirius to act as a buffer. "Now or never," He muttered to her, winking as he passed, cutting across the kitchen to get to the bathroom. Her mind buzzed with questions, forcing her to bite her tongue to stop herself from turning to James and interrogating him. There were things that needed addressing before she could do that.
After all her talk about how she had changed and matured over the past three years, she had reverted to her worst self: self-righteous, combative, and prone to dramatics. She still felt justified in what she said; his treatment of her was rude, demeaning, and unacceptable for a business working relationship. However, she knew something was off with him in the meeting. And it's not like she ever tried to write to him after he left. And, she really shouldn't have made such a scene near the end. With everything that happened between them, there were more than a couple things which needed to be worked out before they could ever work together comfortably.
Taking a deep breath, she crossed the remaining feet between them.
"Sorry, that took much longer than I expected. You're probably really hurting by now since the adrenaline has worn off." He turned to look at her, and she got her first good look at him since bringing him back to her flat. His hair, wilder than usual, stuck up at the front and the back. His wire-rimmed glasses sat skewed somewhat on the bridge of his nose, which had shifted unnaturally to his left cheek, from Sirius's punch. A large purple bruise marred the hollow of both eyes and right cheekbone. Dried blood trailed down from his nose, smeared on both cheeks and his chin. Lily felt a little sick looking at his face, wondering how she missed all of it before.
"It's alright. I feel fine. But really, I don't need you to fix me up. Unbelievable as it is, I've learned how to patch myself up decently enough. So thanks, but I can manage on my own." He stood up quickly, trying to cover his wince with a grin. His words repeated themselves in her mind, "I don't need you.." , causing her to freeze a moment, before the sight of him stiffly walking to the door made her instinctively go into Healer mode.
"Potter, you're being ridiculous. Sit back down. You are in no state to heal yourself 'decently enough'. Healing is what I do for my job, so I think that I will do much better than how you could do normally, even if you weren't still hung over." She marched over to him, putting her hands firmly on his chest and pushing him back to the stool, noting the slight wince on his face. "Sit!" He complied, a scowl flitting on his face. Grabbing her wand, she set off first on righting his nose back into place, and then cleaning off the dried blood. Lily worked mostly in silence, sometimes muttering spells aloud, trying to think of the best way to approach the subject. She had to smile at the irony of it all. Ever since he left, she always regretted not following Sirius's advice and apologizing straight off, and now, after years of planning out what she should have said, Lily had no idea how to even begin.
"Right," She said, tucking a stray strand of her red hair behind her ear, "I think I've gotten most of your injuries healed. But I do want to check your ribs. I noticed you seemed a little sore getting up earlier." He grunted, shrugging off his jumper and the long sleeved shirt beneath it. She glanced at the clock on her wall to avoid staring at him as he undressed. It was three in the morning. Sirius had been gone for nearly an hour. He's probably taking a nap in my bed, the git. She saw a three-inch long black bruise stretched along his side, where his fourth rib should be. She also saw a nasty jagged scar, thick with scar tissue-new-or at least, new to her-stretching along his sternum. Almost like he had gotten heart surgery from a drunk doctor. Or an autopsy from a sloppy coroner. Or…
"Er, so maybe I'm not as fantastic at patching myself up, but it worked. Not pretty, but it looks worse than what it was."
"What happened?" Lily touched it, gently,unthinkingly, with the tip of her pointer finger.
"Well, officially, I just fell on a pen knife while sharpening my quills."
"Officially." Lily repeated, eyebrows raised.
"I'm a clumsy bloke, you know. I mean, just look at this patch up." He tried to laugh while Lily traced its crooked line. Some of the skin seemed pulled strangely, warped around the edges.
"Does it still hurt? I could try re-stiching it, if you wanted?"
"Nah. Just focus on the Sirius one." Lily winced slightly at the joke, but moved to his ribs.
Trying not to dwell too much on the fact that this was James, she managed to keep her face neutral and mutter a spell that would heal the rib quickly. Then, she grabbed the small tub of Bruise Balm, and proceeded to spread a thin layer on the bruise, attempting to ignore the feeling of goosebumps that rose up on his skin and his firm muscles.
"Merlin, Evans. Why are your fingers so freezing?" That Evans—with its stretched out syllables, irritated but warm tone—sounded much closer to Hogwarts James. How could he be so casual, so utterly different from the James she met just yesterday? Was it the alcohol? But the pepper up potion should have been counteracting those affects by now.
"It's the cream, Potter," She said, slightly missing a beat.
"I don't think it is. Do you tell that lie to your other patients too?"
"None of my other patients are as rude as you." Lily meant it to come off as playful, but James still flinched.
"That's probably true. I-I am sorry for how our meeting went earlier. I shouldn't have treated you like that. I deserve your cold fingers, " Lily knew she was supposed to laugh at his bad joke and shake it off-that was part of the Hogwarts script they seemed to be reading-but she just couldn't do it. She took a deep breath instead.
"Honestly, my behavior was worse than yours. I shouldn't have attacked you like that. I especially shouldn't have lectured you about communicating when I've never been particularly good at that either in the past. Cauldron calling the kettle black and all that,'' There was a moment of silence as she rubbed the cream in, watching as the black bruise shrinked and lightened. She backed off and motioned for him to put his shirt back on. She felt grateful that she had turned away from him, picking up her wand and the balm from the floor. The silence stretched on for a moment.
"If this is about what I just told you, about what happened to me...I don't want your pity-" Gone was the Hogwarts script. His tone had sharpened, spitting out the word pity.
"It's not pity! I'm trying to apologize for the scene I made and for everything else!" Her voice had risen, frustrated that this was not at all how she wanted it to go. " I'm just sorry." Sorry for attacking him, sorry for never owling him, sorry for always making him apologize first, sorry that this was the best that she could do. "I need you to forgive me, and I need to forgive you, so we can move on from this and work together." She turned around and met his gaze. It was unreadable again. Guarded. Why couldn't she stop analyzing him?
"Alright," He said simply.
"Good," She yawned, the exhaustion finally hitting her from the night's exploits. Dropping the balm and the other little bottles on the floor, she kicked them over to the orange case, watching them roll across the carpet, too tired to lug the thing back into the bathroom cabinet.
"Is Dorcas here? Do you still share a flat?" James asked, breaking the silence.
"No, she's not. We do—somewhat. I guess you don't know, but she's become quite the Auror. She's always out on a mission. We rarely see each other these days." They had another awkward pause. Lily glanced at the clock (more to avoid having to look at him) and groaned. "I have to be at St. Mungos in two hours. You're welcome to crash here tonight. I'm fairly certain that Sirius has made himself quite comfortable in my own bed, the prat, so you could take Dorcas's room and I'll just sleep on the couch."
"Thanks, but I'll just pop over to Pete's. Don't want to keep him up worrying. You know how he is—mother hen and all that, " He said lightly, and bent down to pick up his sweater from the floor, slipping the final layer on. Lily watched him, unsure if she should protest more about him leaving.
"Alright, if you're sure." She said finally.
"I am." He straightened, and nearly smiled at her, before turning on his heel, and leaving with a resounding crack. Lily stared blankly for a moment at the spot where he just stood, listening to the quiet, and then stumbled her way into the dark, unused room on the left, not even bothering to take off her boots before falling into bed.
A/N: After all the nonsense of the past year (2020), I decided that I needed to have some more joy in my life, and that brought me to this story that has been in the back of my mind for the last 10 years. I have just gone through a major edit of the past 7 chapters (I even deleted a chapter), so for those of you (if any of you have found it again) that have read this story before-thank you! You were the first people to really give me feedback on any of my writing before, and you gave me confidence to write when I was just starting out. For those of you who just found it-I hope you liked it! I am in the process of editing my other chapters and writing new chapters-so there will be more soon!