Chapter Twenty
Occlumency
Mrs Weasley sent them all to bed not long after she arrived in Grimmauld Place, telling her protesting children that they could go and visit their father after lunch once they'd had some sleep and a decent meal. Alaw climbed the creaking stairs up to the bedroom she had shared with Hermione over the summer and slumped onto the bed, exhausted. She was just dozing off when she sat bolt upright, her heart hammering.
What was she doing? She couldn't fall asleep, not now, what if Voldemort slithered back into her mind and made her do something terrible? Alaw got up quickly and went to stand by the tiny, dirt encrusted window, hugging her arms and shivering. Whatever this connection with Voldemort was, it was dangerous. What if he could hear her thoughts? See through her eyes just like she'd seen through Nagini's? What if he took control of her body and made her creep through the house and hurt one of the others?
Restless, Alaw paced back and forth around the room, chewing her lip and jumping at small sounds, like water gurgling in the pipes or the scuttling of mice behind the skirting board. She dreaded the moment the others woke up and started demanding proper explanations from her. What if, in their grief, they blamed her? She had to get out of this house.
Alaw started rummaging around in the wardrobe, looking for clothes that would go unnoticed in muggle London, when she heard a snort behind her. She whipped around, but the room was deserted. Then her eyes landed on the portrait opposite the bed. Phineas Nigellus was leaning against the frame.
"Running away, are we?" he asked, his eyes settling on the battered old pair of boots in Alaw's hand. Alaw glanced down at them guiltily. In truth, they were far too big for her and the bottoms were peeling away in places. She threw them back in the cupboard with a sigh.
"No, I just need some fresh air," she said. Then she squinted at Phineas Nigellus suspiciously. "Did Dumbledore send you to spy on me again?"
"The headmaster sent me to give you a message," said Professor Black boredly and Alaw raised her eyebrows, a tiny spark of hope igniting in her chest. Had Dumbledore finally come to his senses and decided to give her a proper explanation? When Phineas Nigellus didn't elaborate, Alaw let out a tiny puff of air through her nose in frustration.
"What's the message?" she asked, in as measured a tone as she could manage. The more annoyed she got, the more the crusty old headmaster would enjoy it. When he saw that he wasn't going to get a rise out of her, Phineas Nigellus sighed.
"Professor Dumbledore says you are to stay where you are, and not do anything foolish, like run away."
"I wasn't running away!" Alaw snapped, her temper bubbling up and the spark of hope dying. "How am I supposed to run away from something happening inside my head?"
"Precisely," Phineas Nigellus agreed. Sudden exhaustion overwhelmed Alaw and she dropped onto the bed again, the old springs groaning in protest.
"So that it, is it?" she asked wearily, "No explanation as usual. Why did I expect any better? Dumbledore doesn't give a shit about people unless they can do something for him in return. It's the only reason he bothers with Snape still, it's the reason he left Sirius to rot in Azkaban all those years once he wasn't useful to him anymore."
"Oh yes, you are so hard done by," Phineas Nigellus said sarcastically. "The headmaster does not share every tiny detail of his plans with you, therefore he must be manipulative and cold."
"Don't speak to me like I'm a child," said Alaw darkly. "I'm not asking him to tell me all his plans! I'm just looking for some help fixing my head! What if I really hurt someone, without even realising what I'm doing?"
Phineas Nigellus shrugged and Alaw rolled her eyes.
"Thanks, that's so helpful," she sighed. "Look, if you're not going to tell me anything useful, can you just leave?"
"As you wish. Mudblood," said the old headmaster and he disappeared from the portrait before Alaw could do more than stand up and snarl angrily.
Once she was sure she was alone, Alaw sank back down onto the bed and buried her face in her hands. She was so tired, she felt as if she'd been put through a mangle. She couldn't stay awake forever. Admitting defeat, she crawled under the blankets and closed her eyes, praying that Voldemort had other things to occupy his mind that day.
Around one o'clock, Mrs Weasley woke them all so they could eat a quick lunch of chicken sandwiches in the kitchen. Alaw wasn't feeling particularly refreshed and sat with her head in one hand, munching noncommittally on her food.
"You ok, mate? You still look terrible," Ron muttered and Alaw made a vague sound in the back of her throat. Sirius came into the kitchen.
"I found some muggle clothes for you all, so you can go to the hospital without drawing too much attention. And Tonks and Moody said they'd be by soon to escort you."
The Weasleys appeared to be in high spirits as they ate, but Alaw found herself staring off into space and not listening to the conversation. Ron had to shake her out of her stupor.
"Come on, let's get changed before the Order people arrive," he said, jerking his thumb over his shoulder, and Alaw blinked.
"I didn't think I was coming with you," she said uncertainly and Mrs Weasley looked up from where she was organising the washing up.
"Of course you can come, dear. Arthur will want to thank you for raising the alarm."
Far from reassuring her, this just made Alaw feel uncomfortable.
"Uh, thank you, Mrs Weasley. But, I really think it should just be family on the first visit. I'm also not feeling too great, I think I need some more sleep."
"Well, if you're sure," said Mrs Weasley, looking a little surprised. As Alaw reached for her pumpkin juice, she noticed Sirius giving her a worried look.
Once the Weasleys had left the house with Tonks, Moody and Lupin, who had also decided to tag along, Alaw was left wondering what to do with herself. She could have gone back to bed, but she needed to be free of the cloying atmosphere of number twelve. So instead, she pulled on the horribly outdated muggle clothes Sirius had managed to scrounge together and tiptoed across the hall to the front door. Just as she was reaching for the handle however, Sirius' voice sounded behind her.
"And just where do you think you're going?"
Alaw winced and turned around to find him standing in the door to the kitchen.
"I need to go for a walk, I need to get out of here and clear my head," she whispered, mindful of the portrait of Sirius' mother. Sirius frowned.
"I can't let you do that, Al. I'm sorry. It's just too dangerous to let you wonder around London without a guard or the Invisibility Cloak."
"Why don't you come with me then?" Alaw asked and the crease in Sirius' forehead deepened.
"You know I can't leave the house, not with the Ministry and Voldemort out to get me. Dumbledore told me to stay indoors."
"Sirius, there are more than ten million people in this bloody city," Alaw said impatiently. "I'm not trying to drag you down Diagon Alley, I just want to go to the park. The only people who will see us are muggles, and you can do some charms to change your hair colour and stuff. Please, Sirius. It'll do me some good, it'll do you some good!"
Sirius opened his mouth as if to argue, but then closed it again, looking troubled. Alaw waited with baited breath and then, to her astonishment, Sirius griped,
"Alright, fine. I'll come, just give me ten minutes."
He must have been more frustrated in number twelve than Alaw had imagined, because when they got outside he took a huge gulp of air and actually smiled. Sirius had charmed his hair a dull brown and changed into tan trousers, an off white shirt, and a long trench coat. Quite old fashioned, but far less noticeable than full length wizard's robes. They walked in the direction of the nearest park in silence, Sirius glancing around wearily at first, but then starting to relax when all they encountered were muggles going about their daily lives.
"Our clothes look a bit out of place," he muttered eventually.
"You don't say," Alaw huffed, tugging at the collar of her uncomfortable cardigan. Her skirt, which ended just below the knee and was a hideous beige colour, looked like something her grandmother would have worn. "The Order really needs to get with the times if they're planning on going under cover as muggles. Jeans people! Jeans, they're not difficult to find."
"Perhaps we should go shopping?" Sirius suggested and Alaw raised her eyebrows at him.
"Look who's feeling adventurous all of a sudden. Five minutes ago you were telling me to be a good girl and stay put."
"Ah well, we might as well be hanged for a dragon as an egg," Sirius shrugged, grinning. Alaw sniggered.
"My purse is at Hogwarts, I'm afraid, so no shopping for us today. But next time we'll go to and do a proper spree. Ooo! I'll take you to Ikea, we have got to update that house of yours."
They entered the park through a set of rusty gates and walked along a path strewn with empty crisp packets and broken beer bottles. When they came upon a bench overlooking a scummy pond, they sat down.
"So, you feeling better since last night?" Sirius asked and Alaw shrugged, gazing at a couple of ducks paddling across the water.
"Not really," she said. "But how would you feel after having Voldemort poking around inside your head?"
"Fair point," Sirius conceded. He waited until a muggle jogger had passed them before adding, "Though, it sounds more like you were the one poking around in his head."
Alaw frowned and stopped watching the ducks to glance at her godfather.
"I saw through the snake's eyes," she said carefully. "Not Voldemort's."
Sirius grimaced and folded his arms.
"Voldemort always was a master of possession. It wouldn't surprise me if he sent the snake in to case the joint, and was possessing it at the time so he could see everything for himself."
"It was that corridor again," Alaw muttered, more to herself than to Sirius. "He's obsessed with the place!"
Sirius looked at her sharply.
"What corridor?" he asked and Alaw smirked bitterly.
"The one you lot have been guarding. I've had other dreams, not exactly like last night, but that corridor is in all of them. Plain black door and everything."
Sirius stared at her in obvious alarm and Alaw couldn't help but be a tiny bit pleased. The Order desperately wanted to keep her in the dark, but they couldn't censor Voldemort.
"Alaw, this is serious! Why didn't you say anything before?"
"Oh yeah, because going to Dumbledore for help has worked a treat in the past," Alaw snorted sarcastically. Sirius gave her a disapproving look.
"This vendetta you have against Dumbledore has to stop, Al. It's dangerous. We're all on the same side here."
Alaw ignored this and turned her gaze onto the rest of the park. The jogger had made it around the pond and was leaving through the gate opposite the bench. A couple entered, holding hands and laughing at some joke.
"I miss home," said Alaw suddenly. "I miss mum and dad. I wish I could just fly Emrys to Snowdonia and let him live on the reservation."
"Why don't you?" Sirius asked, accepting Alaw's abrupt change of topic for the time being. "Surely he's old enough now."
"He is," Alaw admitted. "But for a journey like that, I'd have to fly with him and we're not so great at that yet. And even if we did make it all the way to Wales, then what? The reservation is manned by Ministry wizards. If I turn up on the back of an unregistered Welsh Green there are going to be some seriously awkward questions."
Sirius' expression was a little too sympathetic for Alaw's taste.
"You can't keep him in the forest forever. He needs to be with his own kind."
"Yeah I know," Alaw sighed, kicked a loose pebble across the path. It fell into the pond with a faint plop. "When did my life become so complicated?"
"The day Voldemort decided to get involved?" Sirius suggested and Alaw huffed a laugh. Then she got up from the bench and smoothed her skirt.
"Come on," she said, gesturing for Sirius to follow suit. "You need a good long walk."
When the Weasleys and their guard returned from the hospital, they reported that Arthur was in good spirits. The healers were confident that they could seal the bites in time, and Mr Weasley would simply have to keep taking blood replenishing potions until then. The questioning that Alaw had dreaded did not come and the conversation over dinner was focused mainly on lamenting the fact that they would miss the Halloween party in Hogsmeade.
Alaw suspected that Ron had had a private word with his siblings and asked them not to pester her. She was grateful, as she was in no mood to be asked questions she had no answers to. It was decided that they would all go back to Hogwarts tomorrow morning, after one more quick visit to the hospital.
"Any sign of Percy today?" Alaw asked once they were all relaxing in the drawing room after dinner. She was attempting in vain to beat Ron as chess, something she was yet to achieve. Ron grimaced down at the board.
"Nope."
He prodded a bishop forward and Alaw winced when it punched her knight in the nose.
"Well, maybe he'll visit when you lot aren't all there," she said half-heartedly and Fred snorted.
"Face it Al, Percy's a polished turd. He won't go and see dad."
Alaw fiddled with her fingers and gave a small, sad sigh. If she could, she would march Percy down to St Mungo's herself, but with her purse still at Hogwarts she had no means of getting to his flat. But, hopefully, she'd get a response from Mr Crouch soon and her plans for Percy could advance. Ron had just decisively beaten her when Mrs Weasley poked her head into the drawing room.
"Alaw dear, Professor Snape is here to see you. He's waiting in the kitchen."
Alaw's eyebrows shot up and Ron's head snapped around so fast, he cricked his neck.
"Oh sweet Merlin what have you done?" he asked.
"Nothing! I haven't done anything!" Alaw protested indignantly.
"Well, you better get down there before you really piss him off," said Ginny.
When Alaw entered the kitchen she found Sirius and Snape sitting at opposite ends of the table, glaring at each other.
"Sir?" she said to snap them out of it. Snape took his eyes off her godfather and fixed her with a cold look.
"The headmaster had sent me here to speak with you, Jones. You can leave now, Black."
"And leave you here alone to bully her? No I think I'll stay, seeing as it's my house."
Snape's lip curled.
"Very well, sit down, Jones."
Alaw sat in the chair next to Sirius and glanced between the two men. The tension in the air was so palpable, she wasn't sure if they were going to kill each other or hate-fuck on the table.
"The headmaster had asked me to teach you Occlumency. It is a difficult skill to master, so we will be meeting twice a week. Beginning tomorrow, eight o'clock, my office."
"Right," said Alaw, a slight frown creasing her forehead. "Um, what is Occlumency?"
"The art of defending one's mind. I will explain in more detail once our lessons commence. Now, it is very important that Dolores Umbridge not discover what you are doing, so if anybody asks, I have given you detention for the rest of the term for your stunt with Miss Parkinson."
Alaw nodded and tried not to let her excitement show on her face. A means of protecting the mind? Was Dumbledore finally taking an interest in her visions after all? But why choose Snape of all people to teach her? Sirius was obviously thinking along the same lines.
"Why can't Dumbledore teach Al? Why you?"
"Because Dumbledore is the headmaster of Hogwarts and has better things to do with his time. So do I, as it happens, but I am but a servant and must do as I am bid."
Snape got up to leave but Sirius shot out of his chair and stood between Snape and the door.
"Hold on there, Snivellus," Sirius said darkly. "If I hear you've been using these lessons to give Al a hard time, you'll answer to me."
"How sweet," Snape sneered. "Your paternal instincts are finally kicking in. Must be all the time you've spent in this hovel you call a home."
Sirius snarled and whipped out his wand. Alaw leapt out of her chair and inserted herself between the two men.
"Sirius mate, don't rise to it, he's just baiting you," she muttered urgently, laying a steadying hand on Sirius' arm.
"I've warned you!" Sirius growled at Snape who looked amused. His own wand was in his hand and pointing discreetly at Sirius' stomach. Alaw subtly angled herself to be in the way. "I've warned you about being smart with me. Dumbledore might think you've reformed, but I know better!"
"Why don't you tell him then?" Snape asked coolly. "Afraid perhaps? Dumbledore might trust the word of those who risk their lives for him every day over those who hide inside their mother's houses."
"Enough!" Alaw shouted, angrily shoving Sirius back as he made to advance on Snape. "Put those wands down before I snap them in half! You're like a pair of fucking children!"
She glared between the two men and when Sirius still didn't back down, she let out a low, threatening growl in Parseltongue. He glanced at her and then, very slowly, lowered his wand. Snape gave a delicate sniff of contempt and swept from the kitchen, stowing his wand in his robes as he went.
There was a threat of snow in the air at Hogwarts, Alaw felt it in her bones as she descended the steps to the dungeons. She was glad she'd thought to wear her woollen Slytherin jumper, but less glad that she'd paired it with muggle jeans when a group of fourth year Slytherins passed her.
"What are you doing down here?" asked one of the beefier lads.
"Detention," said Alaw shortly before sliding past them.
No jinxes came flying her way, it appeared the bullies had learnt their lessons. She was alone in the corridor by the time she reached Snape's door. She knocked and was told to enter. The office was just as chilly as the rest of the dungeons and Alaw shivered a little, glancing grumpily at the empty grate.
"Sit down, Jones," Snape said, not looking up from the essays he was marking. After crossing out an entire paragraph and writing what looked like a D in the top corner, Snape put his work to one side and fixed Alaw with a cold look.
"Well then, Jones, you know why you are here. To learn Occlumency. Now I think I can assume that you do not know what that is?"
Alaw shook her head.
"As I told you in your dear godfather's kitchen, Occlumency is the magical means of protecting one's mind from Legilimency."
"And – that's like mind-reading then?" Alaw asked. Snape gave her a contemptuous look.
"Only muggles speak of mind-reading. A Legilimens, such as myself, or the Dark Lord, cannot simply hear the thoughts of those around us, or read them like passages in a book. The human mind is a complicated thing, thoughts move too fast to be understood externally without extensive training."
Alaw squinted dubiously at Snape. It still sounded an awful lot like mind reading to her. You're a grumpy twat who should wash his hair once in a while, she thought, as clearly as she could. Snape's face remained impassive and Alaw cocked her head musingly. Of course, part of being an Occlumens must involve controlling one's expressions, so maybe he had heard that was simply trolling her. Snape's lip curled.
"I see that you require a demonstration. Very well, tell me three facts about yourself, two true and one false."
Alaw frowned, considering her professor.
"Ok," she said doubtfully. "Uh, when I was ten my brother broke my leg pushing me out of a tree, my favourite colour is blue, and Hermione's favourite band is Queen."
"You're brother did not break your leg, you broke his," Snape said, without missing a beat. Alaw's mouth opened slightly, genuinely impressed.
"Ok, how did you do that?" she asked.
"It is called a passive reading," Snape explained. "When one uses Legilimency without a wand. Eye-contact is essential. I caught a glimpse of the real memory as you spoke the lie, contradicting it. I can't imagine your parents were particularly pleased."
"They weren't," said Alaw, grimacing as she remembered her mother screaming at her. "I wasn't trying to push Osian out of the tree! He was in my way and he kept shoving me, so I shoved him back."
Osian still brought it up sometimes when he was trying to annoy her. Snape drew is wand from an inside pocket of his robes and Alaw felt a twinge of apprehension.
"Well, that was passive Legilimency. It is why the Dark Lord almost always knows when he is being lied to. Occlumency allows one to block true memories from coming to the surface. Minerva McGonagall."
Alaw frowned and Snape smirked.
"There, you see? Professor McGonagall's face just flashed across your surface thoughts. That was called a prompt."
"Oh! Like when you tell someone not to think about a pink elephant, and it pops into their head straightaway," said Alaw, understanding now. "And Occlumency can block that as well, can it?"
"It can, with practise. Now, I am going to demonstrate active Legilimency, which requires a wand."
He pointed his wand at Alaw's face and she leant backwards apprehensively.
"Uh, what exactly are you going to do?"
"I am going to break into your mind and search for a specific piece of information."
"What information?"
Snape's smirk became more pronounced.
"You'll just have to see, won't you? Legilimens!"
It was like being hit with a powerful wind right in the face. Alaw gasped, and then her vision was obscured by a swirl of vivid colours and her ears filled with sounds from years and years gone by.
She was five years old, dressed in a pink dress made of cheap tulle and covered in glitter, with a plastic wand in her pudgy hand.
"Dad! Fyny! Dwisho hedfan!" she cried, reaching her arms up for her father.
She was nine, running along the banks of the river near her house with her friends from primary school. She swooped and caught up a stick, whirling around to engage in a mock duel with one of the boys.
She was twelve, with tears streaming down her face as a boy held the short story she had lovingly crafted for the school competition out of her reach.
"Dora fo'n nol!" she whimpered, jumping up to try and grab the papers, only to be shoved onto the hard concrete of the playground for her trouble.
She was seventeen years old and toppling backwards off the bridge in the centre of the village. A moment before she hit the rocks the world flipped and she found herself lying safe and sound on the bank several feet away.
"Alright, that's enough," said Snape and Alaw fell forwards out of her chair, gasping, her head ringing.
"What the hell was that?!" she cried, pushing her hair out of her face and blinking rapidly. Little white dots were popping in front of her eyes.
"I was searching for the first time your magic manifested. The mind is a many layered thing so it threw up multiple memories concerning magic before I found the correct one."
Alaw struggled to her feet and clutched the edge of the desk as her head reeled.
"That was horrible!" she groaned and Snape's eyes narrowed.
"You're mind was under attack. It wasn't supposed to be pleasant. Believe me, if it were the Dark Lord searching for information, it would have been far worse. It is often his pleasure to create false memories and implant them into the minds of his victims, scenes to drive them into madness. I have seen him wait until a person was literally begging him to kill them before finally ending their misery."
There was silence for a moment as Alaw stared at him.
"You are just a barrel of laughs aren't you?" she asked scathingly and Snape's face remained impassive.
"I am here to teach you Occlumency, not coddle you. And I am still your teacher, Jones. Don't be insolent. Now then, we will try that again and this time, I would like you clear your mind beforehand."
Alaw slumped back in the chair and pressed the heel of her palm against her eye.
"How do I clear my mind?" she asked.
"Close your eyes, take steady breaths and focus on what you can feel, like the chair, and your clothes."
Alaw did as she was told, even though she felt quite stupid sitting there with her eyes closed whilst Snape looked on.
"Can you feel them?" he asked and she nodded. "Now, forget them. File them away in your mind as inconsequential. Next, concentrate on what you can hear, and do the same."
Alaw understood, vaguely, what Snape was trying to get her to do, but it was very difficult when the only thought going through her mind was how stupid this was. Did he really expect her to try and meditate with him sitting right in front of her with a wand.
"I suppose that will have to do for now," said Snape, sounding displeased. "Open your eyes, and we will try again. This time, I'll be looking for your last Charms lesson. Do not think about it, keep your mind blank and your breathing calm. Panicking only makes it easier for me. Legilimens!"
She was in Flourish and Blotts with Hermione, exclaiming excitedly over The Standard Book of Spells: Grade One. They flipped to the chapter on shield charms and suddenly Alaw's entire perspective did a 90 degree flip.
Now she was sitting her living room with Tracy in her underwear, as Tracy inked in the tail of her snake tattoo. Alaw glanced down fondly at the head of the snake which was already finished, and the next second she was flipped again.
Professor Flitwick was oohing and ahhing over her tattoo whilst Professor McGonagall and Sprout nodded approvingly. Beyond them, Alaw could see the Charms classroom and before she knew it she was sitting at her desk, wand in hand, as Professor Flitwick demonstrated how to produce a fountain of water.
"Too easy," Snape snorted, and Alaw found herself back in his office with a blinding headache. "Did you do anything I told you to?"
"Give me a break, it's my first time!" Alaw snapped.
"Do you think the Dark Lord will 'give you a break'? Do you think he will be kind when he has you at his mercy?"
"Ok! Jesus, just give me a second."
"You don't get a second!" Snape snapped, suddenly angry. "This is not a game! We will try again. Legilimens!"
Before Alaw even had a moment to think she was falling through colours again.
Ollivander's shop, Diagon Alley, and Alaw was watching Draco waving his new wand back and forth and producing blue sparks. She spoke to him, thinking he was another nervous first year.
The Great Hall, the Yule Ball, and she was laughing and dragging Draco onto the dance floor to do the Macarena with her.
A dark corridor, she was hiding, her heart was hammering as she listened to Theodore and his cronies hunting her down. Then a flash of light and Draco was there. He stared at her, his eyes full of fear.
"There's nothing here, she's already gone," he called over his shoulder.
Now she was lying in bed, one hand clutching the sheets whilst the other stroked herself.
"STOP!" Alaw yelled in the present.
She'd fallen out of her chair again but she was up like a shot, though she swayed violently once she was on her feet. She glared at Snape.
"What the fuck?! What we're you even looking for then?" she shouted.
"The memory of when you bought your wand, but I decided to let your mind follow its own tangent and see where it led. You'll notice that thought threads have common themes, one subject leads logically to another," Snape said, quite passively.
Alaw shook her head and ran her fingers through her hair. She had never been so embarrassed in her life.
"Ok, no, this isn't going to work. You can't teach me this," she said firmly and Snape raised an eyebrow.
"Excuse me?" he asked. "Do you think I give two figs about your comfort? I am a grown man, believe me, it's nothing I didn't expect to find."
"Exactly! You're a man!" Alaw snarled. "I can't have some bloke poking around in my head, I won't have it. You have to find a woman to teach me, anyone, I don't care. Just not you."
"There is no one else!" Snape countered, standing up. "Do you realise how rare a skill Occlumency is? You are acting like a child, this is part of the learning process. Of course I'll come across things you'd rather remained private. Your job is to learn how to close your mind and stop me from seeing them."
But Alaw wasn't going to stand for this. She snatched up her bag and slung it furiously over her shoulder.
"Find someone else!" she said through gritted teeth. "I am not letting you near my head ever again!"
She turned on her heel and marched out of the office, slamming the door shut behind her.