The faint isn't romantic like the scenes in the movies, which seems to be a common theme in Natasha's life. Even though it seems like a great storyline for a movie, it wouldn't film well and she doesn't die prettily. When she passes out this time, though, it feels like she is finally dying. Instead of the sudden blackness of a typical pass out, her eyes flutter shut and her knees give out beneath her. The images in her mind pass quickly at first - flashes of all the things that happened to her in the Red Room. She sees all of the girls she's killed and thinks she's on a path to hell where she will have to relive them time and time again until the universe eventually collapses in on itself, but then the images shift and she sees memories she had consciously forgotten. She and Sasha are stealing a kiss in a hallway; the two of them sneaking off to the trash room with no camera on sub level 4 during a performance when they were meant to be backstage; her back arching under Sasha's body, giving the sweet release of pleasure they had learned about days before; practicing on each other in class, never allowing the other to fully finish to avoid suspicion of giving pleasure before an allowed exam. She relives the slow-motion memory of shooting Sasha in the head and screams as loud as she can. Her body falls, but Natasha notices a small twitch in her left hand, nearly undetectable. She sees how Sasha escapes with Bucky's help, her rescue by SHIELD, and the happiness that Sasha finds at SHIELD. Her friend has a beautiful smile that comes out every day in the SHIELD compound, not just when she's having pleasurable sex. The smile lights up Sasha's eyes and fills the room with a kind of happiness that couldn't be created otherwise. Sasha befriends a woman named Erin in the memories and falls into a deep, crippling sadness when Erin does not return from a mission. She watches again as her friend faces death, initially struggling against the lack of oxygen before falling still for the final time.
The film reel in her mind shifts and shows Natasha a quick flip through her adjustment period at SHIELD, before flipping through what she thinks is every happy memory she had after leaving. Her and Clint laughing over an overly aggressive game of Skee Ball after a mission. Moving into the tower and watching Tony fail at trying to make the team a nice dinner, then caving and buying a nice dinner out for everyone. Pepper helping her do her hair for the Stark Expo and the two of them singing to ridiculous music as they put on dresses and heels, then Steve joining them for a few oldies tunes. Happy telling her jokes while she and Clint prepare for a mission in the back seat. Clint climbing through the vents and shooting the team with foam arrows during movie night. The rush of endorphins after completing a ballet routine for joy instead of punishment. Discovering the joys of Target and hearing Thor's take on earthly inventions, especially after he discovers Pop-Tarts. Reading novels with Bruce in the windowed porch as the rain comes down slowly outside. Getting Schwarma with the team, all together and happy after New York. There are dozens, far more than she had thought. Her entire body feels like it is filled with warmth for a fleeting moment and it feels like liquid gold is filling her veins, shinning from the inside out. She feels lighter than ever and as if she walking through Heaven, even though she had never really believed in it. She light radiates from her while she walks toward a bright light in front of her and a small piece of her brain tells her that it's not time and she can't walk toward a light. Her life will not end with her walking toward a bright light like some sappy movie, even though she has just seen the best film reel.
Her attention is drawn away from the light and toward a sound to her left. They aren't her memories, but she is in each of them regardless. She sees herself sitting on a pew as Tony watches Pepper walk down the aisle in a small, intimate wedding she never knew he wanted. She's holding their baby in the hospital room when Pepper tells her that she wants Natasha to be the godmother. A small blonde girl runs toward her "Auntie Nat" and she takes the child into her arms and spins it around. She's sitting on a rooftop eating a picnic and laughing with Clint under a string of lights with New York City in the background. A teenage kid she doesn't recognize is training in the training room with Tony and they call her down to spar with him, which she bounds down to do. The team fights a mission and walks toward a new eccentric food shop, the teenager with them and Natasha's belly swollen slightly. A woman she doesn't recognize sobs next to her on the ground and something in Natasha tells her that she is the only one who can help this scared young woman who is mourning her brother and her part in his death. She's walking down the aisle to Clint, following a bouncing toddler boy who has her eyes and Clint's hair; the archer is smiling like a goofball and the whole team is watching her in the front row. The boy is older now, wearing a shirt that says "big brother" and holding an impossibly tiny girl in his small arms with Clint in the background holding a camcorder and Natasha smiling at them all from her place on a medical table. She sees the two children grow older, having small fights over toys and school and whether they get to be superheroes like mom and dad. She sees Sasha watching from somewhere above it all, smiling with tears in her eyes and in the arms of Erin, who she recognized from the earlier memories. Then everything goes black again and it feels like seconds, but she still can't open her eyes. At first, she is still convinced she died, but she hears the telltale beeping of machines around her and the hushed voices of her team members.
"-been days!"
"She did a lot of damage."
"How will I ever make this right with her?" Clint's voice sounds wrong - is it raw and rougher than usual or is this dreamlike state distorting all of them?
"I think she'll forgive you," Steve's voice sounded normal, so it was just Clint.
"I don't deserve it again."
"If she can forgive him," Tony scoffs, clearly holding a grudge over whoever he was referring to. "She can forgive you too. I did and I hold much worse grudges than her."
What had happened? She couldn't remember why she was supposed to be mad at Clint. She remembered that she had been starving herself so she would die already, but she didn't remember much from those days other than sleeping and not feeling like she was in control of her body.
"Mmmm," she grunted, unable to lift her eyelids or open her mouth fully. She didn't even know if they could hear her, but she had to try.
"Natasha?" Clint tried weakly, then gained confidence and tried again. "Nat? Are you awake?"
"She may still be too weak to respond," Bruce interjected. "Nat, can you tap any of your fingers?"
She lightly lifted the pointer finger of her left hand and set it back down with little effort.
"Okay, good," he responded. "Can you talk? If you can't, tap your finger twice for 'no.'"
She tapped her finger twice on the cool sheets underneath her.
"Can you open your eyes? One for yes, two for no."
She tried to lift her eyelids and briefly opened them a tiny amount, but it was an exertion and the bright light of the room was too much. She tapped her finger twice and her mind started whirring. The bright white meant she was not in the tower, she must be at SHIELD or, worse, an actual hospital.
"Okay, do you know where you are or what happened?"
Two taps.
"Nat…" Tony says slowly. "You are in the SHIELD medical bay and you have been here for four days. You passed out due to malnutrition and dehydration."
Okay, SHIELD, she could probably handle that. She wasn't sure how yet, but she could figure something out.
"We had to bring you here because…" Bruce lifted his hand to stop Tony from saying more and he continued for Tony.
"Your condition has become too extensive for me to treat without a team. You are in a private room and only a medical team, Fury, Hill, and the team know you're here."
"I know you aren't fond of Fury," Tony picks up for Bruce to ease the nerves he knows are building. "He hasn't pulled you from the team and has conditionally allowed us to continue your treatment at the tower, but there is going to be a team helping us. A nutritionist, therapist, psychiatrist, and physical therapist."
"For now," Bruce interjects again. "We need you to rest and we can talk about this more when you wake up and are able to participate more than tapping."
"I-" she rasped quietly, using all of her energy to form the small word and expending all of the energy she had to finish her thought. "I love you all."