Chapter 50

A/N: Thanks for checking in and staying dedicated to this story! I have struggled with self-harm for nearly ten years, but am proud to say I am a little over 5 weeks clean today! Writing this story is a really great coping mechanism for me, and I hope others find similar solace in it.

The next morning, she awoke after the best few hours of sleep she had ever had - at least for as long as she could remember. Clint had stayed, slumped over in the uncomfortable hospital chairs and protectively staying half awake to watch for signs of a nightmare as he had longed to before all of this had taken a turn for the worse. In an odd way, it was comforting to gain some of what he had wanted to begin with - to protect her from anything bad and help her heal from what he had known of what she had experienced, but it was so much deeper than he had previously thought and he wasn't sure if he'd ever understand it all.

When she began to stir, he slowly walked to her side and shook her the rest of the way awake gently.

"Good morning, Nat."

"Hey Clint," she yawned sleepily. "I thought you would have gone home by now."

"Home is wherever I'm with you."

"That's some cheesy shit from a Hallmark card if I've ever heard it."

"Only for you," he smirks cheekily before a soft knock at the door reveals Bruce, ready to take her vitals and begin the hunt for a new therapist to help Natasha. "Do you want me to stay?" He questions.

She squirms uncomfortably and weighs her options. "I think maybe I could just do it with Bruce. I'm sure you have work to get to."

"If you're sure," he sighs. "But pick a good one, okay? I want to see you out of this dreary place soon."

"I'll try," she smiles and turns to Bruce. "Do you have a list?"

"Yeah," he rifles through the papers on his clipboard and finds the few pages with the options that he and SHIELD had agreed on after he left the previous day. The options were fairly limited and didn't give many details, but he also recognized that give her some control in the situation and a little bit of choice may help her feel more comfortable, even though none of this was even close to what she wanted.

Option 1 - Dr. Anna

Licensed Social Worker, Specializes in trauma-informed treatment for self-harm, addiction counseling

Bio: I offer a wide range of treatment option, but tend to focus on talk-based therapy and taking a trauma-informed approach to healing from our pasts. In order to move forward and truly begin to work on ourselves, we must first learn who we have been and accept and forgive the versions of ourselves that we have become and accept that this person exists in us even now.

The photo included showed a woman in her mid-40s with straight hair and a haircut that screamed "Can I speak to your manager?" But with none of the awful blonde highlights.

Natasha's immediate reaction was a hard no to Dr. Anna. She did not like that this woman seemed like the type to tell her that the person she was in the Red Room is still technically who she is today, and that was just not what she wanted to be true or to even think about. If anything, she wanted to be the exact opposite of who she was then and though that through maintaining the conditioning, but choosing morals and holistic motives, she could move past that version of herself.

"Absolutely not. Next," she rolls her eyes and hands the sheet back to Bruce.

Option 2 - Dr. Rachael

Licensed Professional Counselor, Specializes in art therapy and music healing

Bio: My approach to treatment involves a large amount of music and art, as interacting with our senses can be a powerful gateway to recovering from any kind of ailment, including the most difficult of situations. Through expressing our deepest feelings and memories in song and various forms of art, we can begin to explore the emotions that underlie our biggest struggles in life.

The photo showed a woman in her early 30s who certainly gave off the hippie vibe of an art therapist.

"This one looks like a total quack. Do people actually just draw and sing away their problems?"

"It can be very therapeutic for some, but I thought that might be a stretch."

Option 3 - Nicole

Licensed Professional Counselor, Specializes in trauma therapy

Bio: Mental health is a difficult topic that many may find hard to broach, which is why my take on treatment is to get to know the client first and to focus on their goals. I specialize in helping clients overcome trauma, but I also focus most of my time and energy into getting my clients back to their "real life" and feeling like themselves again with genuine conversations and some other research-backed methods sprinkled in.

"This one might work."

"Really?" Bruce looks up from his work, extremely surprised.

"She doesn't seem like she's trying to put on a front. She didn't include a picture and isn't a doctor, either. I think I like that, she's not trying to prove her legitimacy so strongly."

"Alright. I have one more, but no bio was submitted. She comes recommended by a few and is in charge of the psychological treatment for most of the SHIELD agents who need ongoing care, do you want to look at it?"

"Can you just tell me about her?"

"Of course. Her name is Dr. Kori and I did my clinical at SHIELD under her. She is an advanced psychiatric nurse who specializes in diagnosing complex mental illnesses. She's faced her own trauma and has been in the field before, but she's definitely a mom type and she's not likely to let you move slowly through the process because she knows what kind of healing can be done quickly."

"I don't think I should be rushed right now."

"I agree and I think it's actually great that you recognized that. Would you like to meet with Nicole, then?"

"If I have to meet with someone, she seems like the least incorrigible."

"I will get that set up for around 10 this morning. Now, I do have something else to talk to you about this morning."

"Go ahead," she sighs, absently picking at the IV port in her left arm.

"We have decided," he says hesitantly, barely looking up from his computer. "That if you continue to eat solids for meals with your feeding tube and make meaningful progress with Nicole toward whatever goals you set this morning, that you can come home next week under my care."

"Are you serious? It was that easy?"

"You will be monitored 24/7 and will always have one of us with you, and you still will not be allowed to go on missions, but you can be at home and released to my care. Nicole would come twice a day and you will still be taking meds."

"Whatever it takes," she sighs breathily. "I just want out of this damn hospital."

"This is all dependent on what Nicole says, so do your best in your session with her, okay?"

"I get it, doctor dickhead."

"Doctor dickhead. Nice, Nat."

"Blah," she sticks her tongue out at him playfully and begins the anxious thought spiral of worrying about her appointment with Nicole.