Ch.5

After a lot of debate Zack decided to start with something simple, which just ended up being cups of noodles. They were super easy to make and of course were delicious and it seemed Cloud managed to eat it well enough on his own.

Just as they finished eating Cloud started to look around the apartment. "So we're staying… here?"

"Yeah, you like it? I bet once we get some more gil we can get a bigger place. But you know, we gotta start small."

"I guess."

"So how are you feeling? Any better than before?" Zack asked once he had thrown away the noodle cups.

"I think… not tired at least. Still a bit though…"

"Well at least that means you will hopefully be able to sleep tonight."

Cloud nodded simply before making his way over to the couch. "How was seeing Aerith?"

"Huh? Why are you asking that?" Zack asked as he sat down next to Cloud.

"I fell asleep… don't remember what else happened…"

"Ah… I guess your memories are still all hazy?" Zack still had the thoughts over what Cloud had said all those days ago. He could remember some things but a lot of it he could not recall.

"I guess…"

"Shoot. I should have asked Kunsel about the memory thing. Maybe he could try looking into that. Tomorrow though, I'll ask him then."

"Well… anyways. It was really nice to see her. Kunsel too. It's nice to know that I still got friends after all these years."

"Years?" Cloud tilted his head slightly.

"Yeah, I told you before. It was just after I took out the infantrymen. Or wait, can you not even remember that?"

Cloud shifted slightly, looking more and more pensive with each second. He hummed softly trying his best to think, but still overall he looked worried. "N-No…"

"It is worse than I thought… how can he not remember what just happened the other day? I get if he can't remember all the way back five years from the mako… I guess I gotta just see what he does remember."

"Cloud, can you tell me how much you remember since walking up?"

"Um…" Cloud started. He continued to fidget in his spot as he tried to think. He gave a soft uncertain sound as he kept trying to figure out what he was missing. "We were walking… a lot of walking and moving. And… there was… there you… something."

Cloud groaned before gripping his head. "So many gunshots. So many screams. You were there… You were… I don't…"

Right away Zack saw that Cloud was beginning to hyperventilate. Not only that but his entire body was trembling. Zack reached forward and pulled Cloud into a tight embrace with his head resting against his chest. "Hey hey. You don't have to think about it anymore."

"You weren't there though! I was alone and… and…" Cloud's breathing got faster and faster with each passing seconding. There were now tears that streamed down his face but he showed no sign that he had even noticed.

"Cloud," Zack whispered as gently as he could. He had no idea how to deal with this. It was clear that Cloud was having some PTSD. After all he had been through there was no other explaining. From the burning of his hometown to facing Sephiroth, to the experiments Hojo put them through. It was all building up against Cloud, and Zack had figured it would eventually show.

It would make things a lot harder in the future for them if it hit Cloud randomly, there was no real way to control something like that. But Zack wasn't going to give up. He made his goal to be there for Cloud and that was what he intended to do. He just hoped he could manage to get through to him.

"Cloud, please listen to me. Focus on me talking, not whatever you are thinking. Can you do that?"

Cloud stopped muttering incoherent words, but he still shook. At least that was a sign that something could be going in the right direction. Zack continued to Cloud right next to him, not once loosening his grip. "Just keep listening to my voice and take in a deep breath. I'm right here, you got that?"

"You're… here?"

Zack nodded. "Yup. That's right buddy. Everything's okay. There's no more danger. We're safe."

"We're… safe…" Cloud breathed out slowly. His tremors were finally slowing down and his breathing was starting to straighten out. "Safe…"

"Yeah, you got it. We're safe. Just keep thinking that, okay?"

"Y-Yeah… okay. Safe…" Cloud murmured. He slowly blinked away his remaining tears once it looked like he was finally calming down. He stayed resting against Zack though, just listening to his heartbeat. His voice was enough to get through to him and help, but hearing his steady heartbeat also brought calmness to Cloud. It reminded him Zack was alive and that everything was all right just as he said.

Now that Cloud was calm enough, Zack started to run his hands through his hair. "Are you feeling a bit better now?"

Cloud nodded.

"Good. Sorry I asked you to remember. I guess it was probably too much too soon."

"It's fine," Cloud answered softly.

"No it isn't." Zack shook his head slowly. He had caused Cloud to freak out. He asked him to remember and it set off the PTSD that Cloud had developed. Though it did show Zack that Cloud was far more shaken up by recent events than he originally thought. It was just taking its sweet time before trying to hurt Cloud. "I shouldn't have asked you to remember something like that. You don't have to think about it anymore though."

"But… shouldn't I remember? Should remember… why your shirt has… holes…"

"Honestly… no, I don't think so," Zack sighed. He remembered how worried and concerned Cloud was when he saw the blood and tattered outfit when it was fresh. That must have left a huge scar in his mind that now was probably going to haunt him for a while. "I don't want you to hurt yourself thinking over it. Eventually maybe, but right now isn't a good time. We should be thinking about other things to take our minds off it."

"Like thinking…" Cloud lifted his head and looked up at Zack. "About us?"

"Huh? What?" Zack's eyes widened. "That was rather sudden."

Cloud was staring at him intently… well as intently as he could. He still was pretty hazy and spacey in his eyes overall, but he was trying his hardest to focus on Zack. Still barely any expression in his face, but Zack could tell that Cloud was trying to express something other than fear or embarrassment.

Though once he realized he had been staring back at Cloud without an answer, Zack shifted and looked away. A strange sense of embarrassment was wrapping around him and it was just a surprise how suddenly it hit him.

"Uh… yeah yeah. I mean that's something. Or… we could talk about what we plan to do to become mercenaries too. Cause you are going to need to recover a lot more before we do any of that."

He didn't really like diverting away from the topic. But just for some reason he felt too uncertain to get into it. Now that he was sitting and thinking once more, his thoughts were still all over the place. Still so much was muddled and he still couldn't get the focus he wanted. Because of that he didn't want to take a risk saying the wrong thing to Cloud. He didn't want to hurt him or mess up anything. All he needed was to wait for when he felt right and had enough time to think it over.

"Oh… okay. How will we?"

Zack finally looked back to Cloud. "How will we become mercenaries? You know, I didn't get to thinking that far ahead." Zack laughed before he went to rub the back of his head. "I guess I really gotta think more on that. I'm sure we can figure it out. Maybe after some good sleep."

"Sleep…" Cloud let out a long yawn. "Sounds good…"

"Ha ha! Glad you agree! How about it then? Let's hit the sack and finally get some proper rest. But first I think we could both probably use a shower and change into. Beats just jumping into a lake to try and stay clean."

"Hot shower… sounds nice."

"Yeah! So you wanna take one first? I can see about seeing if the other rooms are set up and all."

"Sure."

"You'll be able to handle it on your own?"

Cloud gave him a nod before standing up. "I'll be fine."

After that Cloud walked over to one of the doors and opened it up. Upon discovering it was in fact the bathroom he entered and closed the door behind him. Once Zack heard the water running he decided it was about time to get up and do what he could to get something ready.

Walking over to the bags of clothes he pulled some sleepwear and placed them by the bathroom door. "Cloud, I've left some clothes for you to change into when you're done outside of the door."

He heard a soft 'okay' over the water and went to the bag of clothes. Once he had pulled out the sleepwear for himself all he had to do was wait for Cloud to be done. "Maybe a hot shower will do good for him. Hopefully it will clear out some of that mako."

Now that Zack was technically alone he sat down and just let out a long sigh. After that he just breathed deeply while trying to just clear his mind. It had been far too long where he had peace like this and he wanted to soak up as much as he could. But of course it couldn't last forever. His mind was constantly being bombarded by his never ending nagging thoughts.

Thoughts about his plans.

Thoughts about Cloud.

Thoughts of Aerith.

So much of it was cycling around in his mind, he wasn't sure if he would ever get another quiet moment again. It was starting to give him a headache but he was sure no medicine could help him clear it up. It was his problem to deal with and only his. He was just going to have to try and push through it and figure out how he could just get his thoughts quiet enough that he would finally be happy and not so restless.

But always in the end of his intense thoughts it somehow wrapped around to Cloud, and what he was going to do with the poor blond. Just about everything was about Cloud now, or somehow related to Cloud. After a year of taking care of him, making sure he was safe on their journey, it was hard not to think of anything else.

"Still can't believe that he loves me. Who would have thought it… I would have thought that he would have liked…"

Zack trailed off as the memories resurfaced in his mind. The image of flames everywhere danced in his mind, plaguing him of what once was years ago, but to him only felt like less than a year.

"I still don't know what happened with Nibelheim… I am sure it burned down now five years ago… I can still remember the heat of the flames… the girl, Tifa…"

Letting out a long sigh, Zack let the words come in to haunt him once more.

'I hate you! I hate Shinra! I hate SOLDIER! I hate you all!'

"Well we can agree on hating Shinra at least…"

He still couldn't stop his thoughts from going further. He kept thinking of Tifa and what he remembered about her. How she had asked him questions about SOLDIER and that Cloud knew her but was too afraid to talk. It added up to just more and more questions in his head that Zack knew he couldn't have the answers for.

"I'd wanna ask Cloud about her, just to see… but I think asking him to remember back to Nibelheim would just cause another attack. That's the last thing I want to do." Zack ran a hand through his hair, his fingers slowly getting caught on various snags. "I guess I am going to have to keep a lot of things from Cloud until I feel he is ready to handle it."

With another heavy sigh Zack stood back up and started to do some squats. It was one of the few things he knew could help keep his mind from getting him too antsy. He could feel the anxiety rising in him now. It was already there from before but he tried his best to keep it back. After everything he had gone through, the last thing he wanted was to get his anxiety spiking up. He just wanted to be calm, he didn't want to struggle or have his issues show themselves. He knew he was better than that. He could keep that calm facade and stay strong, that way no one would have to worry about him.

No one… but Aerith of course. She could see past those cracks in his defense. She knew him when he showed weakness. Honestly he was grateful she never judged him or saw him as weak because of it. But he didn't want it to keep happening. As much as he knew it was nice that she would notice these things, Zack didn't want to keep slipping up.

"I gotta stay strong. If I am to keep protecting others I care, I need to not be weak. If I… if I am to carry out a legacy with dreams and honor, weakness can't be a part of it."

Zack continued to do squats for as long as he could until he finally felt too tired to proceed. Once he was at his limit he flopped back down to the couch just as he heard the shower shut off. He waited a bit, hearing the door open for Cloud to grab his clothes and then close again. It only took a few minutes more before the door opened up again and Cloud walked out now dressed in sleepwear.

"So how did that feel? Any better?"

Cloud nodded as he used a towel to dry his hair. Despite it still being wet, his spikes were still sticking out in every direction. Zack laughed before he walked over to him. "Geez, I thought you had to have been extracting those spikes at least a little."

Taking the towel out of Cloud's hands, Zack started to rub it over his hair, trying to fluff it up more. "You know the fluffier we make your hair, the more like a chocobo you'll end up looking."

When Zack took the moment to stop fluff drying Cloud's hair, he could see that his face was burning red. "Zack…"

"What?" Zack chuckled. "Your hair is just really spiky. I can't help it."

"Your hair is spiky too…"

"Yeah I know, the hair gel helps though. Honestly now that I think about it, I'm pretty impressed as somehow just molded my hair into this position."

"Still was spiky before."

"Huh?"

"I remember the day you changed your hair," Cloud started, far more matter of fact than Zack expected. "The day you inspired me."

"Hm, seems like it's rather selective what he can remember. Things having to do with me seem to be easier to recall than others… for the most part. Just gotta go along with it and make sure it doesn't deviate to something worse."

Zack gave Cloud a smile before placing a hand on top of his head. "You really like this look better?"

Cloud nodded quietly. "It's nice."

"Glad to hear it, I guess that means I won't change it. Now I think it's about time that I get to taking a shower. You go ahead and sleep though okay?"

"Okay… and you'll be there… after?" Cloud said. His words were coming together better than before, but now that he was becoming more and more tired, it all started to space out. Sooner or later he was going to just pass out if he didn't head off soon.

Though the question had caught Zack off guard a little. "Whoa hold on there. Don't you think that might be jumping too soon to-"

Zack cut himself off. Why would he dare try to say something like that when he had been sleeping with Cloud next to him their entire journey. He wasn't sure if Cloud could recall that part of it, but denying it now would be lying to himself. But at the same time it left him with a weird feeling. The more awake Cloud got, the more differences there would be than when he was just catatonic. It just left Zack with a weird feeling he could not understand no matter how hard he tried thinking about it.

All at the same time he knew he couldn't just leave Cloud to sleep on his own. After that attack he had, leaving him to sleep on his own brought too much anxiety into Zack's heart. "If we slept in the separate rooms and he started having another attack… what if I didn't wake up to hear it? He would just be suffering alone… he may even think I left him again. I can't hurt him like that again."

Clearing his throat, he resumed speaking. "Just pick out whichever room looks better. I didn't get the chance to look yet. After that I'll meet you there, okay?"

Cloud nodded, not seeming to pick up on Zack's hesitation from before. While he headed into the bedroom, Zack grabbed his clothes and headed towards the bathroom. Once there he started to undress and turn on the hot water. "Maybe a hot shower will do me some good too. Maybe I could get some good thoughts cleaned out."

But strangely enough nothing came to him during the shower. It was just quiet and foggy, both in his mind and literally in the room. The shower was over faster than he could have thought and now he was just left with the steam everywhere.

Eventually as he started to dry off, the steam faded away and he could see himself in the mirror reflection. He looked at his face and he could see just how tired he actually was. There was an easily noticeable weariness in his eyes aside from the bags that persisted beneath. Most certainly Aerith and Kunsel had noticed but neither of them chose to say anything on it, not that it mattered to Zack if they did. "Wow, didn't realize I looked like total crap." Zack laughed lightly to himself. "Guess that's what I get for taking the slow route to Midgar and dealing with all the other stuff."

Running hands over his face, he wished that he could just get the fog out of his head as easily as it faded from the bathroom. How nice that would have been, but unfortunately it remained clouded in his head with no signs of clearing anytime soon.

"Maybe sleep… just anything at this point," Zack murmured once he was dressed and ready.

He stepped out from the bathroom and saw that the door across the way was open. Walking down there he peered inside and saw that this was the bedroom Cloud decided to choose. Either that or he just flopped down right away after checking just the one.

But he was fast asleep on one side of the bed, sleeping soundly and looking so peaceful. Letting out an exhale he made his way to the bed and sat down on it, his eyes fixed on Cloud the entire time.

"There's nothing weird about this," Zack told himself. "Stop thinking about it that way. It's just protecting him in case he needs me to be there. Nothing else to it."

With keeping that in mind Zack finally laid down and got under the covers. He could tell that the bed was most like cheap given the small apartment, but it felt so much better than the ground. After sleeping so much in the outdoors this cheap bed felt like a luxury.

Turning onto his side, he now faced Cloud dead on. The guy was still sleeping quietly without any signs that he had been disbursed by Zack laying down on the bed. His face was so smooth and calm. Almost no expression to it at all. It would have worried Zack, but he could notice there was the smallest smile on Cloud's lips. It was enough to reassure Zack that Cloud was waking up, that he would recover, and that everything would be fine. All he had to worry now was how to figure out what to do next.

So trying to take the development between Cloud and Zack slow. Can't just jump right into it cause I feel Zack will have a lot of thoughts. But stay tuned for all that is to come!