I hope you all like this chapter. Logan isn't on it much, but James and Kendall are. I'm hoping to have Logan more on the next one, though. I hope you enjoy. :)
"I think you've done enough, Kendall."
James' words repeat themselves like a broken tape recorder in Kendall's mind, making him get even more upset at himself with each minute that passes by. He regrets what he said – regrets even opening his mouth, and wishes that he could take it back. He should've been more cautious, but ever since they had gotten the news about Carlos' accident – if he can even call it that – nothing in his mind has made sense. He feels detached; like he isn't in control of his thoughts or of his actions, and it is driving him nuts.
"Kendall?"
The blond jumps at the voice, having been lost in his own thoughts, and turns around, only to realize that Logan is staring at him, and James is nowhere to be seen. He hums in response and looks down, hoping that if he doesn't look Logan in the eye, he will not see the sadness that is in his own eyes.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," he mutters, even though he knows it's a lie. Tears that he has yet to shed burn at his eyes and blur his vision, but he doesn't want Logan – or anyone else for that matter – to see him cry. He hates crying, especially in front of others.
"No, you're not."
He sighs, turns to Logan and frowns. "It's not like it matters right now. James probably hates me, and you probably do, too. And I honestly don't blame you. I shouldn't have said what I did. I should've known it wouldn't do any of us any good. I just..."
Logan places a hand on his shoulder and tugs him towards him. "I don't hate you. I could never hate you, and neither does James. You know how he is – he often lets his emotions control what he says and does. I think he was just worried, and was trying to put the blame on someone. He didn't mean what he said, Kendall, you know that."
"I guess... Where is he, by the way? I didn't hear him leave."
"He said he was going to go outside for a bit. I think he needs some time to himself."
"I need to talk to him."
Before Logan can protest, the blond has already stood up. Logan follows his actions and grabs ahold of his arm, trying to stop him from leaving, but Kendall is stubborn, and he knows that. Once he has made up his mind about something, there is no stopping him.
"Kendall, I don't think you should—"
"I just need to talk to him, okay?" Kendall turns to him, eyes pleading, begging him to let him go. He could very easily push him back and walk away, but Logan knows that he would never do that to him.
"Okay, just... be careful with what you say. Don't make him any angrier."
"I won't," Kendall promises, and it's not until then that Logan releases his grip on him and lets him go.
Kendall walks away from the brunet, his eyes cast towards the floor. He stuffs his hands into his jeans pockets as he walks, and tries not to look up. There are people everywhere, and all of them have sadness written across every feature on their faces, and he hates it. This is the reason he hates hospitals so much. They're not happy places, and if it was up to him, he would never step a foot into a hospital ever again. The only happy time he was in one, was when Katie was born, but aside from that, hospitals hold bad memories for him, one of them being when his father passed away.
Perhaps that's the real reason he hates them – his father died in one, so now, being in a hospital reminds him of that, as much as he wishes it wouldn't.
He walks towards the hospital entrance and walks through the automatic doors as they open. The cool breeze greets him as soon as he steps foot outside. He searches for James, but doesn't see him anywhere. He doesn't really know where to look, but he knows that he couldn't have gone far.
He walks aimlessly for what feels like hours but is really only minutes, and he has yet to find the taller brunet. No longer knowing where to look, he walks towards their car, which isn't parked too far away from the hospital entrance, and that's where he finds James. The older boy is sitting on the driver's seat, head leaning against the steering wheel. Even though the door is closed, Kendall can see James' shoulders shaking through the transparent window. His heart breaks as he takes in the sight in front of him.
Hesitantly, he walks towards the other side of the car and pulls the door open, startling James as he makes his presence known.
"What are you doing here?" James asks, his tone bitter, eyes reflecting anger and sadness all at once.
Kendall takes a seat in the passenger's side and turns to James, doing his best to hold back the tears that come to his eyes when he hears the brunet's tone. "I came to apologize," he says softly. "I shouldn't have said what I did, and I'm sorry."
"You should be. You caused Logan to have a panic attack. You scared him. Next time, you should think before you speak."
"Like you're doing now?" Kendall wants to say something else – he wants to yell at James and take his anger out on him – but he refuses to do so. "He's not the only one who's scared, James. I'm fucking terrified, and so are you. But the truth is, none of us know what's going to happen. I'd love to tell you that Carlos is going to make it, and that he is going to get better, but... I just don't know anymore. And I know that I sound l-like a jerk right now, but you're not the one who saw him lying on that hospital bed, looking so... lifeless."
"You what?"
Kendall stays silent, realizing what he has said. He wasn't even planning to tell James that he had seen Carlos, it had just slipped. "Nothing..."
"What do you mean you saw Carlos?"
"N-Nothing."
"Kendall, damn it, just tell me."
"I... I might have found Carlos' room earlier, and walked in when no one was looking..."
"Kendall—"
"No, I know what you're going to say. I know I shouldn't have done that. I know it was a stupid thing to do, but the waiting was killing me. I needed to see him, James. I feel like I'm going crazy. I can't help him, and I feel so helpless and useless right now. I just want this all to end. I want Carlos to be okay, and I'm so scared that he won't be. I'm so scared that we'll lose him. That's why I asked you guys to promise me that even if he were to d-die, we'd stick together. I can't bear losing more than one of my best friends... I can't even bear losing one of you... I should've known. I should have known something was wrong..."
"Kendall," James says softly, all traces of anger now gone from his voice. "Kendall, you need to listen to me, okay? Please, just listen."
Kendall doesn't turn to look at James, but he does stop talking and tries to calm down his breathing, which is now coming out in desperate gasps for air.
"I'm sorry, Kendall. I'm sorry because I overreacted. I know you're scared – I know we're all scared, and I guess I let it all get to me. I shouldn't have been mad at you. I know you'd never do anything to upset Logan, or any of us for that matter. But you need to realize that the blame right now rests on all of us. We all should have known that something wasn't quite right. We could have all done something to prevent this from happening. But blaming ourselves isn't going to make things better, and blaming each other is pretty stupid as well, and I guess I'm starting to realize that. Carlos wouldn't want us to blame each other."
"I can't help it. I have no one else to blame, and knowing I wasn't there for him when he needed me is making me feel like such a bad friend. He was hurting so much, and I couldn't help him, James. I could have if he would've come to me. I wish he would've."
"Me too." James sighs as he leans his head against the back of his seat. He has never been good at comforting others, especially when he's hurting as well. But the look in Kendall's eyes is full of sadness and despair, and even though he's hurting, he knows that Kendall is too. "It's going to be okay."
"I don't know."
"Weren't you the one who told me that earlier?"
"I know... I'm such a hypocrite. I guess the reality of everything finally got to me, and I'm having a hard time thinking straight. I just don't know anymore... I don't know what to think."
"What do you think Carlos would say if he was here?" James asks him, turning his head to the side to look at the younger boy.
Kendall turns to him with a confused expression and shrugs his shoulders. "He'd probably tell us how stupid we all are for pushing each other away, and tell us to think nice, happy thoughts about kittens, or something along those lines. He wouldn't want us to fight or to see us sad. But... how can we not be sad? Our best friend could—"
"Yes, he could die," James says, cutting him off. "It's true, but he could also live, he could get better. I know that it's hard to see the light in a situation like this, because what's happened is awful, but we'll get through it. All of us will, and by that I mean Carlos as well. We can't think negatively. If we do, it will destroy us."
"I think it's already too late for that..."
"No, it's not. We are going to get through this, one way or another, together. We will, you need to trust me on this."
"I do trust you. It's just..."
"Hard?" James asks, finishing the sentence for him. Kendall nods, wiping the tears away from his face. "I know it's hard, but we will. We have each other, and right now, that'll help us more than you think."
"I hope so," Kendall says quietly. He turns to James then, his expression unreadable. "Are you still mad at me?"
"No, I'm not mad at you. I don't think I was ever mad at you. I was just mad at everything," he says as he opens his door and walks out. Confused, Kendall does the same, but before he can walk to the other side of the car, James is by his side, his eyes full of regret. "Can I have a hug?" he asks, extending his arms towards the shorter boy.
Kendall doesn't respond as he takes a step towards James and crashes into him, their arms tightening around each other.
"I'm sorry I was such a jerk to you. I love you, Ken."
"I love you too, and it's okay," Kendall whispers, smiling softly as his arms tighten around James. He needed this. Little does he know that James needed it as well.
I'm not sure if I'll be able to update anything else, or put anything else up before Christmas, so in case I don't, I want to wish you all a Merry Christmas. And if you don't celebrate Christmas, then I still hope you have a great day on Friday, as well as the rest of the week. :)
~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)