Hey guys, I'm back with another update, which is like, way overdue. I said this chapter would have angst for all three of the boys, but it kinda ended up being mostly James angst... I hope you don't mind.

Trigger warning for mentions of self-harm. It's mentioned several times throughout the chapter, especially after the page break, so please be careful.

I hope you enjoy.

He doesn't want to wake up, not now, not ever. He's exhausted, both physically and mentally, having spent the better part of the night tossing and turning restlessly. His head hurts from overthinking, and his heart hurts from crying. Everything hurts, and he's not really sure how to stop it.

"James, you need to get up."

The voice sounds muffled to him, perhaps due to the fact he's more asleep than awake. He can feel someone shaking his shoulder gently, then with a bit more force. He groans, pulling his blanket over his head, but that does little to make the person go away.

"James, please."

James freezes, his mind finally registering whose voice it is that is trying to awaken him from his very short sleep. He sighs and pulls the blanket away from his face. The sight that greets him when his eyes crack open causes his heart to plummet to his stomach.

"You're awake." Kendall cracks a smile, though it's obviously forced. He can hear the tiredness in his voice, see the sadness in his eyes, the façade he is trying so hard to put up. It's an act, and James knows it. The sight of him does nothing to ease the overwhelming feeling of sadness and hopelessness that James feels. If anything, it intensifies it. He's not used to seeing Kendall in such a vulnerable state, despite having known him for more than two-thirds of his life. However, he is used to seeing him put up a mask to hide his true emotions. It's what Kendall does – he acts like everything is okay, when he's really falling apart in the inside, until he explodes, and it's never a pretty sight when he does.

"Unfortunately," James mumbles and rolls over onto his right side so he can take a good look at him. "You look awful, dude."

"Could say the same about you," Kendall says, forcing a chuckle to escape his lips, which turns into a choked sob. He looks away from James, wiping away the tear that has managed to roll down his cheek. "I, uhh... mom told me to wake you," he mutters. "Said something about visiting hours starting at nine."

"Okay," James says quietly as he sits up in bed, wrapping his arms tightly around his body.

"I'd ask if you're okay, but... I think I already know the answer to that."

"Just worried, that's all," he lies. He hates lying to Kendall, to his best friend, the one he has known the longest. He hates not being able to be completely honest with him. He trusts Kendall with his life, so why can't he bring himself to tell him about what he has done and about how he's really feeling? He's not really sure, but he hates it.

"Is that really all there is?" Kendall asks, expecting James to spill his feelings to him, but all he gets is a nod of his head.

"Yeah, it is," James says.

"Okay." Kendall looks unsure, as if he knows that James isn't being completely honest with him. He doesn't push him any further though, something that James is grateful for. "I'm here for you, though," he says softly. "I'm here for you, always."

"Thank you," James hears himself say. "I'm here for you, too."

"Thanks."

Kendall gets up to leave then, but that's the moment in which Logan walks into the room. "Mama Knight said to tell you guys that breakfast's ready," he says quietly, "you know, in case you're hungry."

"No thanks. I couldn't eat if I tried," James says, standing up.

"Yeah, me either," Logan mumbles as he takes a seat on Carlos' bed. A moment later, he turns to look up at James and then at Kendall, with tears now starting to roll down his face. "I miss him," he chokes out as he attempts to wipe his tear-stained cheeks.

Kendall's the first to move from where he's standing at the foot of Carlos' bed. He sits down beside Logan, pulling him into his arms. James soon follows as he takes a seat by Logan's other side and wraps his arms around them both.

"We miss him, too," Kendall says as he rests his chin on top of Logan's head, staring back at James with sad green eyes.

"It's gonna be okay," James reassures them, though he's sure it does little to ease their worries. They probably don't even believe him, and he doesn't blame them. He doesn't even believe his own words.

"We should start getting ready," Kendall says after about a minute and starts to pull away.

"Right." Logan stands on shaking legs, using Kendall's shoulder as a crutch for a moment, before making his way out of the room.

James waits for them to leave, and then closes the door behind them. Despite wanting nothing more than to crawl back under his covers and stay there for the remainder of the day, he starts rummaging for clean clothes in his drawers. He settles for a pair of dark blue jeans and a long-sleeved grey shirt, and then steps into the bathroom and begins to undress.

Once he has let the water run for a bit, he steps into the scorching water. He stands there for a minute, just letting the water run down his body, without moving an inch. But then his eyes land on the cuts in his arms, and he feels the familiar sensation of tears gathering in his eyes. He feels so guilty and horrible, and he doesn't know what to do. He wishes he could turn back time and stop all of this from happening, but he can't – it's impossible.

Hot tears roll down his cheeks, mixing in with the droplets of water that are dripping from his hair down to his face. He feels like he's going to be sick, even though he has hardly had anything to eat in over a day.

It scares him how easily he gave in to the dark thoughts clouding his mind. It scares him how he wasn't able to stop himself from doing something like this. He hates it. He hates this feeling; hates feeling hopeless and like he has lost control. It's terrifying to him, and he can't help but wonder if this is how Carlos felt, and if he had, for how long he had been feeling this way. How long had he been hiding everything from them?

It's minutes later that he steps out of the shower, freezing from head to toe. He gets dressed in a hurry, but doesn't take a step out of his room until about ten minutes later, since he doesn't want to face anyone just yet.

Eventually though, he steps out into the living room, his gaze cast downwards, hands stuffed into the pockets of his jeans. He doesn't know what lays ahead, all he knows is that he's not ready for it.

Less than an hour later, he's standing in front of Carlos' hospital room, Kendall to his left and Logan to his right. In his left hand, Carlos' black helmet is clutched tightly.

"Would you guys mind if I go in first?" he asks as he takes a step forward and reaches for the doorknob.

"Go ahead," Kendall says. "Will you be okay, though?"

"I think so."

"Alright," he says, his gaze moving briefly to Logan, and then back to James. "We'll be out here if you need us."

James nods, mouthing a "thank you" to him, and then pushes the door open and walks inside. He feels his breath catch in his throat the second his eyes land on Carlos. He takes a seat on one of the beige colored chairs beside his bed and takes ahold of Carlos' hand, trying to ignore the fact that it feels cold to the touch.

"Hey," he whispers as tears start to blur his vision. He reaches with a shaking hand and runs his index finger along a cut that is visible on Carlos' right cheek. The sight alone makes him feel sick. To know that Carlos walked into incoming traffic willingly makes him feel sick. Everything about this whole situation makes him feel sick.

"I got you something," he says as he grabs the helmet that he had placed at the foot of the bed, and holds it in between his hands. "It's your helmet... We were gonna bring it in yesterday, but we kinda forgot. I know it won't really help, but... we thought it'd be a good idea."

He sighs as he places the helmet by Carlos' side, knowing it's not of any use at the moment.

"I miss you so much, Los." He feels his throat close up as his chest tightens, making it hard for him to breathe properly. "We need you to get better. I... I can't lose you. I won't be mad at you. No one's mad at you. We just... j-just want you to wake up, p-please."

He gulps in air as he starts to feel like everything around him is closing in on him.

"I-I did something," he stammers out, "something I probably shouldn't have. I can't tell Kendall or Logan. They'd be so disappointed in me, they might even... might even hate me if they find out..."

Closing his eyes, he takes Carlos' right hand in both of his and lets out a shaky breath. "I c-cut myself last night, for the first time in years. It wasn't by accident. I just... I don't know. Everything was so overwhelming, I just couldn't take it anymore. And I feel so horrible about it. I told myself years ago that I'd stop, that I would never do it again, and yet... I couldn't help it. It's like... everything from before came flooding back, and I just... I don't know. I don't even know why I'm telling you this. Maybe because it's easier, maybe because I know you won't hear any of this. I just needed to tell someone, I guess—"

"James..."

Startled, he looks up, but Carlos is still as a rock. He turns around to where the entrance of the room is, his heart rate quickening as his eyes land on Kendall and Logan, who are now standing in the doorway.

"I..." He doesn't know what to say, his mind has gone completely blank. He feels like a deer caught in a car's headlights. He blinks back more tears, wishing the earth would just swallow him whole once and for all. "H-how much did you hear?"

"Everything," Logan practically whispers, looking at James with saddened eyes.

"Oh... I-I didn't mean—"

"Come here," Kendall says, motioning for James to move to where they are.

James does as he is told with hesitance. He's expecting the worst – expecting Kendall to yell and for Logan to want nothing to do with him. What he's not expecting is to be pulled into a three-way hug and to have words of reassurance whispered to him.

"We could never hate you, James," Kendall says as he pulls away so that he can look James in the eye. "I don't know what happened or what was going through your mind at the time, but we could never hate you. Especially not over something like that."

"How could you n-not hate me?" James chokes out, now unable to stop the river of tears that is cascading down his face. "I hate m-myself. I hate what I've done."

"James, you were hurting," Logan tells him. "You are hurting. It was your way to cope. And yes, it's not a healthy way to cope, but... it's not your fault. The mind can be deceiving. But know this," he says as he lifts James' chin with his finger, "we love you, and that will never change. And if you need us, we'll be here."

"Thank you," James whispers, sniffling as he steps away, wiping his tears away with the sleeve of his shirt.

"Can I see how bad it is?" Logan asks cautiously, not wanting to force James to do anything he doesn't want to do.

James pulls his arm to his chest, fear written all over his face.

"I won't be mad."

"Y-you promise?"

"I promise."

"I promise, too," Kendall says as he wraps an arm around James' waist, pulling him close.

Hesitantly, James pulls his arm out to them and shields his face in the crook of Kendall's neck, not wanting to see their faces when they see the cuts. He's afraid of what they'll say or think of him because of it.

Logan grabs his arm and slowly pulls his sleeve up, tears coming to his eyes as he does so. "Oh, James..."

"I'm sorry..."

"Don't be, it's okay," Logan whispers as he lets go of his arm and moves forward to hug him once more. "You're not alone, though. You're never alone. If you feel like doing this again, come to us, okay?"

James nods, his eyes then moving to where Carlos is laying. "C-can we get out of here, just for an hour or so? I can't be here right now..."

"Yeah, come on." Kendall leads him out of the room and into the hallway, with Logan following close behind. "We should probably get something to eat. None of us really had breakfast."

"I think there's a coffee shop down the street," Logan says as they're nearing the waiting room. "It's close enough for us to walk... unless you guys want to get something from the cafeteria or vending machines."

Kendall shrugs, while James remains quiet.

"James?"

"I don't really care," James mumbles.

"I'll tell my mom," Kendall says, after exchanging a worried look with Logan.

Logan nods in acknowledgment and starts walking with James in the direction of the hospital's entrance.

"Can I ask you something?" he asks when they're alone, as he comes to a stop in the middle of the hallway and looks up at James.

"I guess."

"You told me just yesterday that you were glad you had stopped... What changed?"

James stops walking and looks down at his feet, unable to meet Logan's eyes. "I guess I don't really know. I mean, I was glad, it's just that... after we got home, I couldn't stop thinking. Everything became too much. My mind is just a mess right now."

"Why didn't you tell either of us?"

"I wanted to, but... with everything going on, I felt like you didn't need to add that as well. We all have more than enough to worry about right now, without me adding anything else."

"James, we're best friends," Logan says softly. "Things are hard right now, that's true, but that doesn't change the fact we'll be there for each other no matter what."

"I know, it's just..."

"Just what?"

James sighs, finally looking up. "I'm too much trouble, Logie. It's not worth it."

"But it is," Logan replies. "It is worth it, because you are worth it."

James nods but says nothing in response.

"Mom knows," Kendall says as he reaches where they are. "Did something happen?" he asks, seeing the worried look Logan is sending in James' direction.

"Nothing," James mumbles, before starting to walk again. Logan follows close behind, but not before turning to Kendall with a sad expression on his face..

Kendall sighs and forces his feet to move in their direction. We need you, Carlos. We're not the same without you, he thinks sadly. Nothing's the same without you.

Things should get a bit more interesting in the next chapter, if it goes the way I plan it to... In this chapter, I just really wanted to show how much James was being affected by everything.

If you're able to, please let me know your thoughts. Reviews are a big part of what motivates me to keep writing, and quite honestly, I find it hard to keep writing when I only get one or two (three at the most) reviews per chapter. That's not to say I'm ungrateful to the people who do review or give me feedback, because I'm really grateful to those that do. It's just nice to know what people think, and reviews really do help motivate me.

Thank you for reading. I hope you liked the chapter. :)

~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)