Hey guys... It's been a while since I've updated anything. I'm really sorry about that. Between college classes and writer's block, it literally took me months to get this chapter written, but it's finally done, and I really hope you guys like it.
They walk through the café's doors, all three of them lost in their own thoughts. Logan's leading the way, with James walking behind him, and Kendall walking behind James. No words are spoken between them as they take a seat in a booth, with Kendall sitting on one side and Logan and James sitting on the other.
"May I take your order?"
Kendall lifts his tired eyes to look over at the waitress that has just stopped in front of their booth. He attempts to smile as he orders a coffee for himself, a cappuccino for Logan, and a hot chocolate for James, but it is proving to be a difficult task. Luckily for him, she is gone in less than a minute, though to him, it feels like way longer than that.
From the corner of his eye, he watches as James scoots closer to the corner of the booth and away from Logan. He wants to say something, but he's lost for words. He knows that there's nothing he can do to take James' pain away and knowing that is killing him on the inside.
Feeling a hand on his arm, he turns his attention to Logan, who doesn't say anything, just looks at him with saddened eyes. He opens his mouth but closes it a second later, and instead places a hand on top of Logan's, giving it a tight squeeze. He can feel his heart sinking in his chest with each passing second and there's nothing he can do to stop it.
A thick atmosphere spreads around them as they wait for their orders, none of them saying a single word to the other. It feels like hours later when the same waitress from before returns with three cups and places them in front of them. Logan thanks her as he grabs his and pulls it towards him with no intention of drinking the hot beverage.
"James, we need to talk..."
Kendall mentioning his name catches James by surprise. He hadn't moved an inch in minutes and had instead been staring out the window, watching the cars pass by.
"T-talk about what?" he asks, even though he already knows what it is that Kendall wants to talk about. He sinks lower into his seat, wishing there was a way for him to vanish into thin air. He doesn't want to have this conversation, not with Kendall, not with Logan, not with anyone.
"Talk about you... self-harming," Kendall says in a careful manner as his hands tighten around his cup of coffee.
"Oh." James exhales sharply, feeling like he might faint right there on the spot. Everything's collapsing around him and he feels like all the air has been sucked right out of his lungs. "There's nothing to talk about... It just... happened."
"It just happened?" Kendall raises an eyebrow at him, which goes unnoticed by James, who refuses to look in his direction. He can't. The sensation of tears threatening to spill from his eyes is there, and he knows that one look at Kendall is all it will take to let them loose, whether he wants to or not.
"Yeah..."
"James..."
"Kendall," Logan intervenes from James' right, speaking for the first time since they got there. "He'll talk when he's ready. We can't just force it out of him."
"But he—"
"I know." Logan sighs, sounding exasperated. "Just give him some time, okay?"
"I—" Kendall falters, his shoulders slumping noticeably. His hands loosen around his cup as he pushes himself out of the booth and onto both feet. "I can't."
Logan frowns as he watches Kendall for a few seconds, longing to go after him. However, as he turns to look at James, that idea immediately flies out the window. There are tears now rolling down James' cheeks and soft cries are slipping past his lips. Logan moves to hug him, but he stops when the other boy flinches the moment he scoots closer to him.
"James," Logan says, his heart aching at the sight of his best friend. He hates seeing him like this.
He sighs as he stands and moves to take a seat in front of James. "It will get better, Jay," he whispers, hoping the words will make a difference, but they don't. If anything, they seem to make James even more upset.
"Better?" James finally speaks, shaking his head. "I keep fucking things up, Logan. I keep messing up. First I fail to see the fact that Carlos is hurting, and now... now all I keep doing is hurting Kendall."
"That's not true—"
"It is, and you know it. I'm not making things better for anyone."
"He's just worried, James. You know how he is."
"He shouldn't be," James sniffles, shielding his face with his hands, "and neither should you."
"James..." Logan frowns as he reaches towards James with one hand and pulls one of his hands away from his face. "Your feelings matter, James. You matter. Why do you think that you don't?"
James bites on his bottom lip, hesitance clear in his eyes. "It's hard for me to believe that when my own parents made me feel like I didn't. I... I figured if they didn't, why should anyone else?"
"Jay..." Logan blinks back incoming tears and reaches forward, using the pad of his thumb to wipe away James' own tears. "You are worth so much more than how they made you feel. No matter what happens, you will always have Kendall and me. We will never stop caring about you. We don't see you the way they did, and we never will."
James' lips turn slightly upwards into a small smile, but the sadness in his eyes still remains. "I wish I could believe that," he says, his voice barely above a whisper. "It's not that easy, though. What they did really messed me up. I can't just forget it. I can't forget the way they made me feel, even if it was years ago."
"I know," Logan says softly, "and no one expects you to."
"Thanks," James whispers, rubbing at his eyes with the heels of his hands in an attempt to wipe away his tears.
Logan smiles back at him, before moving to stand up from the booth. "I'm gonna go check on Kendall. Do you wanna come, or..."
"I-I think I'll wait here."
"That's okay. I'll be right back."
James nods, before reaching for his hot chocolate, which is basically just chocolate milk at this point, because it is nowhere close to being hot. He frowns, sets it back on the table, and turns his attention back to the window, all the while wondering if things will ever truly be any better.
Kendall's pacing back and forth in the café's small restroom, both of his hands tangled in dirty blond locks of hair. He doesn't know what to do. He needs to do something – needs to fix this somehow, but he can't, and the realization of that is like a punch to the stomach. It threatens to knock him off his feet and leaves him struggling to breathe. He can't turn back time; he can't stop all of this from happening, and he's so scared. He's terrified they'll lose Carlos – that he'll never wake up and that they'll be unable to put themselves back together. James is hurting so much, and maybe a small part of him is scared he'll end up like Carlos as well. The mere thought of that makes him sick to his stomach.
He will never forgive himself if something happens to either of them.
He has yet to crack under the pressure of everything, but he can feel himself falling apart little by little, and he can tell that the same thing is happening to Logan.
Truth is, he doesn't know how much longer he can keep this up. Over the years, he has become an expert at hiding any negative emotion he feels, but this has all become too much in such a short amount of time. He's no superhero, but if he was Superman, his kryptonite – the one thing that surrenders him helpless – would be seeing someone he loves in pain.
He lets out a shaky breath as he comes to a stop in front of one of the sinks in the restroom. He grips the edges of the sink with both hands, feeling like his knees will give out from underneath him any second now. Everything is so overwhelming, but he keeps reminding himself that he needs to remain strong, if not for himself, then for everyone else. He can't fall apart – at least not in front of them.
When he's alone, though? That's another story.
The tears come before he can stop them, and despite his attempts to not let them loose, they come rolling down his face like a waterfall. He hardly recognizes the reflection in front of him. He feels so... lost, so hopeless and so useless all at once.
He's nothing without James, Carlos and Logan – each of them make up a piece of a whole. They always say how he's the glue that keeps them together – he's the one they look to for guidance when faced with difficult situations. But the truth is, they're the ones who keep him together, but he needs all three of them. Without Carlos, a piece of that whole is missing and none of them can properly function without him.
The tears only last a couple of minutes, but by the time he's stopped, he feels like he's going to be sick. It's with shaky hands that he grabs some paper towels from the towel dispenser and dampens them, proceeding to wipe his face with them once he has done so.
Just as he's throwing the paper towels in the trash bin in the middle of the two sinks, he hears the door to the restroom open, followed by the sound of his name being called from a voice he knows all too well.
"Kendall?"
He swallows, thankful any trace of tears is no longer present on his face, and turns around slowly, his eyes falling upon Logan. "Hey..."
"You okay?"
Kendall nods, his lips not parting as he brushes past Logan and reaches to push the door open.
"Kendall..."
"I'm fine, Logan."
"But—"
"I said, I'm fine."
Logan takes a step back, as if being struck by lightning. Kendall seems to immediately realize what he has done, because his eyes soften, the anger in them being replaced by guilt in a second. "I'm sorry, Logan..."
"It's okay," Logan says, practically in a whisper, his eyes not meeting Kendall's as he walks out of the restroom and in the direction of their booth.
Kendall follows close behind, though his footsteps slow down as he nears their table, bile threatening to rise up his throat.
James is sitting where he had been when he had left, his head resting against the beige-colored wall. He sighs before taking a seat in front of him, looking up at Logan, and then down at the empty spot beside James, wordlessly telling him to take a seat. Logan does so without a word, his eyes instantly moving to stare at the unfocused brunet.
"I'm sorry, Logie, I really am." It's clear to see just how sorry Kendall is just by looking in his eyes, but even then, it doesn't make the ache in Logan's chest go away. He pretends that it does though, gives him the best smile he can muster, and says it's alright and that he understands, because in a way he does.
Kendall's eyes then turn to James, who remains frozen in his spot. "James...?"
No response.
"Jay..."
James blinks but remains unmoving, though his eyes shift to look over at Kendall.
Kendall can feel the air leave his lungs as he takes notice of the lack of emotion in James' eyes. The spark of passion that is always present is no longer there. They look unfocused, tired, lifeless. He'd be lying if he said it didn't worry him greatly.
"I'm sorry, Jay..."
"I didn't want you to know," James chokes out, his voice raspy, filled with emotion. "You w-weren't supposed to know..."
"Why...?"
James inhales and exhales sharply, his gaze moving away from Kendall to look off into space, at nothing in particular. "Because... I didn't want anyone's pity. I didn't want anyone to look at me the way you're doing right now. Like I'm something fragile, something that's gonna fall to pieces at any moment. I didn't want you to worry over something so pointless..."
"It's not pity, James," Kendall bites down hard on his bottom lip as he tries not to burst into tears in front of them both, "it's worry. And this isn't pointless. This is serious, Jay."
"It was one time."
"You said you'd done it before."
"That was years ago," James whispers. "It won't happen again."
"I don't know if I believe you..."
James' eyes turn into a glare in a matter of seconds as he grabs his hot chocolate with one hand and rises from his seat. "Logan, move."
"James—"
"Now."
Without a word, Logan rises from his seat and moves to the side, giving James enough space to slip out. They both watch as he throws his foam cup into a trash can and walks out of the café. The two share a knowing look before rushing after him.
"James, where are you going?" Kendall asks, but he receives no answer, even though he knows that James heard him, seeing as how he practically yelled the question and he's only about three feet behind him. "James!"
Without warning, James stops and whirls around, tears pooling in his eyes, causing his vision to blur. "You know what, Kendall? Just fuck off," he spits out before turning back around and continuing to walk away from them.
Taken aback by James' words, Kendall stands frozen in his spot, until Logan grabs ahold of his arm and pulls him in the direction that James is headed in.
"He didn't mean that," Logan whispers.
Kendall nods inaudibly, the lump in his throat making it hard for him to form a single word.
It's not until they reach the street corner and James starts to cross the street that Kendall finds his voice. His body moves before he can even fully register what is about to happen.
Panic drapes over Logan, rendering him frozen in his spot as James stands in the middle of the road, eyes locked on the speeding vehicle coming in his direction. He watches as Kendall runs towards James just as the vehicle is mere inches from him. His eyes close tightly, and he is barely able to distinguish the sounds of the squealing of tires and Kendall's shout of James' name as his heartbeat pounds loudly in his ears.
So... that happened. I guess you'll have to wait until the next chapter to find out if James and Kendall are okay. ;) I promise the next one won't take as long, lol.
Thank you for reading. I hope you liked the chapter. :)
~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)