Hi, everyone. First of all, I want to say that I'm really sorry for how long it's taken me to update this story… or any story. This year has… not been easy, and college took up a lot of my time, ever since the spring. I just finished up my second summer semester last week, and the classes for the fall semester start up again next Monday, but I'm going to try my best to get a bit of writing done before then. I'm hoping I can update HSC by then, but we'll see. Definitely keep an eye out for that, though, if you're also reading that story. :)
Trigger warning for mentions of suicide, self-harm and anorexia. It doesn't really go into full detail, but they're mentioned, so please just be careful.
I hope you all enjoy.
"I'm really worried about him." Kendall's voice is almost a whisper as his eyes lock on James' barely-visible figure underneath two blankets. He's fast asleep on Kendall's bed, dark brown hair matted to his forehead. He's finally asleep, which is something that Kendall's grateful for. Getting him to fall asleep had not been easy, even though Kendall could only imagine that after the day that they had had, he had been left feeling utterly exhausted.
They had spent most of the day at the hospital, taking turns watching over Carlos, who still couldn't remember how he had ended up there in the first place.
He swallows hard and turns to Logan, who is sitting beside him on his bed, their shoulders pressed together, as there isn't a lot of room on top of it.
"Me too," Logan responds, his hands clasping together on his lap, nails digging into his knuckle. "Carlos too."
Kendall reaches over, gently pries Logan's hands apart, and grips one of them with his own.
Logan says nothing, his hand going limp in Kendall's hold.
"He'll get better," Kendall says, his fingers tightening around Logan's.
Logan nods inaudibly and leans further against Kendall, his head moving to rest against his shoulder. Kendall doesn't even budge at the action, even though this is unusual for Logan. He's not the type of person to look for physical contact, even in moments of distress. If anything, he's the kind of person who runs away from it. Kendall can be like that sometimes too. He doesn't seek being comforted, not because he doesn't want it, but because he's usually the one doing the comforting.
"I'm tired," Logan says quietly, and Kendall doesn't doubt that for a moment. He can hear the exhaustion in Logan's voice, feel it in his very presence – in the way he's now fully leaning against Kendall, eyes only slightly open.
"Get some sleep," he whispers, his grip on Logan's hand loosening.
"I don't want to."
"Why not?"
Logan lets out a shaky sigh. "I don't want— I don't want something bad to happen while I'm asleep."
"Nothing's gonna happen, Logie," Kendall says, his heart aching at Logan's words. "I'm gonna be right here. If anything happens, I'll wake you up. But nothing's gonna happen."
Logan's silent for a moment. "You should get some sleep too," he tells him, his head moving slightly to look over at him.
He wants to argue that, no, he won't be able to sleep, and he refuses to sleep when James and Logan both need him, but he doesn't. Instead, he plasters a small smile on his face and pats Logan's leg. "I will," he says, feeling Logan relax against him.
"Okay."
Kendall watches Logan as he detaches himself from him and lays down on the bed, rolling onto his left side, so that his back is facing Kendall. Silence fills the room for a moment, making him think that Logan's fallen asleep, until he whispers, "Goodnight, Kendall."
Kendall smiles, despite the heaviness in his chest, and gives Logan's arm a soft pat. "Goodnight, Logie."
The tears don't fall until Logan's breathing has evened out, coming out in soft puffs of air that are barely audible to Kendall's ears. He tries to suppress them, his teeth digging into his bottom lip, fearing that a sob might slip out and awaken either Logan or James.
Feeling like he can't hold it in much longer, he forces his body off of the mattress, careful to make as little noise as possible, and slips out of the room and into the living room. He thinks he'll finally get the chance to be alone, to be able to cry without the fear of worrying anyone, but he's wrong.
He's only taken a couple of steps into the living room when he realizes that there is a silhouette of someone sitting on a bar stool at the island in the kitchen. He thinks about turning back around and locking himself in the bathroom, or maybe even going into James and Carlos' room to be alone, but he decides against it when he recognizes the small frame, hunched over, shoulders shaking.
"Katie?" He whispers Katie's name when he's only a few feet away from her, not wanting to scare her.
Katie's shoulders stop shaking, the small whimpers that he had managed to catch for a couple of seconds coming to a stop.
"Y-Yeah?"
"Hey." He takes a seat on the bar stool across from hers, taking in her appearance, even though the kitchen is almost completely drenched in darkness. The only light in the kitchen comes from a small light that's connected to the wall, but it's enough to see the tear tracks running down Katie's cheeks and the redness that is present in her eyes.
"Are you okay?" he asks, reaching with a hand to wrap it around her arm.
She pulls her arm away and shakes her head, a shaky sigh slipping out. "Yes," she says and starts to rub at her eyes. There's a pause, before she follows it with, "I-I don't know."
"Do you wanna talk?"
"What is there to say?"
Kendall shrugs. "I'll listen to whatever it is that you have to say."
Katie seems to think over this for a second, before replying. "I just miss him. That's all."
"It's okay to miss him."
Katie nods and swallows. "Do you really think he'll get better?" she asks. "When I went to see him today, with Mom, he didn't remember what had happened."
"It might be like that, for a while."
"But—" Katie frowns, "—how can he not remember anything?"
Kendall doesn't know what to say. He doesn't really understand it himself, the way that Carlos could do something like attempt to take his own life, and then not remember a single thing about it. The doctor had explained that that's what happened sometimes when it came to situations like this, but he still didn't fully understand it. And the worst part of it was that they couldn't help Carlos, since they didn't know how he had ended up here to begin with.
"I don't know, Katie," he says honestly, pulling both of his hands into his lap. "I wish I could give you an answer, but I don't know."
"I know," she says, looking away from him. "I'm sorry."
"No, don't be sorry." Kendall frowns and reaches for her, his frown deepening when Katie pulls away again. "Katie—"
"I'm fine," she says in response, though her voice is so quiet that Kendall almost doesn't catch it. "I think I'm gonna go back to bed, try to get some sleep."
"You don't seem okay," Kendall tells her but doesn't budge from where he's sitting. "I mean it," he adds, as seconds tick by and Katie says nothing in response, "when I said that you can talk to me about anything."
"I know," Katie finally says, looking up at him with teary, bloodshot eyes. "Thank you."
Kendall watches as Katie pushes herself off the barstool and starts to make her way in the direction of the bedroom she shares with her mom. She has only taken a few steps in that direction when she stops abruptly and turns back around.
"Why aren't you sleeping?" she asks, padding back towards the island, arms wrapping around herself.
"Came to get a glass of water," Kendall lies, plastering on the best fake smile he can muster. "My throat was feeling kind of dry."
Katie raises an eyebrow at his response, as if not truly believing him. "Are you sure?"
"I'm sure."
Katie's quiet for a moment, but then says a quiet "okay" in response, catching Kendall off guard when she wraps her arms around him, pulling him into a hug.
Kendall has to swallow hard and close his eyes as he hugs her back, doing his best to suppress the tears that so desperately want to escape.
It feels like minutes tick by before Katie finally pulls away.
"Goodnight, big brother," she says, before turning back around and making her way to her bedroom.
"Goodnight, baby sister," Kendall whispers back, too afraid to speak any louder because there is now a lump in his throat, and he doesn't think he can keep the tears in any longer.
Deciding that crying in the middle of the kitchen, where everyone can see him, is too risky of a move, he makes his way to Carlos and James' room, his legs feeling as though they're made out of rubber. He tries to be as quiet as possible as he turns the doorknob and pushes the door open, closing it once he's inside. He knows he shouldn't be in here – knows that seeing Carlos' stuff will only make him feel even worse – but he's beyond caring.
The lump in his throat throbs as he takes a seat on the edge of Carlos' bed, before lying down and curling in on himself. He's about to pull the pillow towards him to muffle his cries, but stops as his fingers make contact with something solid that was underneath the pillow. He feels his heart stop as his fingers curl around the small object made out of metal, sharp edge digging into one of his fingers.
He feels sick.
Drawing his hand back, he stares at the razor that's in it through the small amount of moonlight seeping in through the bedroom curtains. He can't stop the sob that slips past his lips at the sight of it, tears now blurring the image in front of him. The lump in his throat has grown even bigger, if that's even possible. He feels light-headed and nauseous and like the contents of the meal he'd had for dinner are gonna come spilling back out.
"Kendall?"
His head snaps towards the bedroom doorway, where the door is now slightly open, Logan's head peeking in through the small opening.
"I woke up and you were gone." He pauses and walks inside the room, the door clicking shut behind him. "What's wrong?" he asks, his voice sounding unsteady.
Kendall looks down as Logan steps closer, coming to a stop in front of him.
"Is that…?"
All he can do is nod.
"Where–Where did you find that?"
Kendall takes in a sharp gulp of air, releasing it a second later in a shaky breath. "It was under his pillow," he says, his eyes not leaving the piece of metal in his hand.
Logan takes a seat beside him and stares at him for a moment, before saying, "We should throw it out."
Kendall nods and moves to throw it out in the bathroom, but stops in his tracks. "Where? I don't want James to find it."
"Maybe in the kitchen trash can?" Logan suggests. "I doubt he'll find it there."
"Okay."
He walks to the kitchen on shaking legs, wraps the razor blade in paper towels, just to be safe, and throws it into the trash can there. For a moment, he just stands there, his head throbbing, aching. The nausea has subsided a bit, but the lightheadedness is still present.
"Come on," Logan says and takes a hold of his arm, pulling him in the direction of their bedroom. Kendall follows him, almost blindly, his heart aching, legs threatening to give out from underneath him.
He doesn't really remember much of what happens after that. He's aware of the fact that they end up back on the bed at one point, his head tucked under Logan's chin, body shaking, Logan's own tears falling into his hair. All he can do is cling to Logan as his pulse thrums loudly in his ears, causing the aching in his head to intensity.
When Logan awakens, it's to the sound of birds chirping outside the window and light pouring into the room, illuminating everything in a golden glow. The first thing he notices is that Kendall's no longer lying next to him on the bed and, to his surprise, James is no longer asleep in Kendall's bed either.
He can feel the beginning of a migraine starting to come to him, but he ignores it as he rolls out of bed, slips on his shoes, and makes his way to the bathroom.
As he enters the living room a few minutes later, the sweet smell of coffee and toast greets him, making his stomach growl.
"Good morning, honey," Mrs. Knight says as he pads into the kitchen and takes a seat on a barstool. "Are you hungry?"
"A bit," he says, taking notice of the fact that there's no one else in sight. "Where's everyone?"
"Antonio and Sylvia left for the hospital a little while ago," she says, handing him a plate with a couple of slices of toast in it, along with scrambled eggs. "James went with them. Katie and Kendall are… somewhere."
Just as she finishes saying this, Kendall slips out of the hallway bathroom and into the living room, towel draped over his neck, hair a tousled mess.
"Morning, Logie," he says, taking the seat beside him.
"Morning," he responds, frown coming to his face. "Are you okay?" he asks, his voice dropping so that Kendall's the only one who catches his question.
Kendall shrugs his shoulders, not turning to face him. "I have a headache," he admits, as he rests his arms on the counter, head following soon after. Small droplets of water slide from his hair onto its surface.
"I do, too," Logan says, before taking a bite out of one of the slices of toast.
Kendall lifts his head at this, his eyes boring into Logan.
"What is it?" Logan asks, turning towards him.
"I'm… sorry about last night," Kendall says, his voice a whisper.
"You don't have to be sorry about that," Logan tells him, reaching with a hand to squeeze at Kendall's arm. "It was a bad night." He pauses and lets his slice of toast fall back on the place, a soft sigh slipping past his lips. "Things have been bad for over a week."
Kendall nods solemnly, letting his head fall back against his arm, left cheek pressing against it. "Thank you," he says, squeezing his eyes shut.
"Honey, are you hungry?" Mrs. Knight asks as she appears in front of them, a plate like the one she gave Logan in one hand.
Kendall looks hesitant as he grabs it from her hands, giving his mom a small "thank you" in response.
Logan watches him as he stabs at his scrambled eggs with his fork, pushing the toast out of the way.
"Did James eat anything?" Logan asks, his throat suddenly feeling really dry. "Before he left, I mean."
"A bit," Kendall says, bringing the fork up to his lips. "Said he wasn't very hungry."
Logan's frown deepens at this. His appetite is slowly vanishing, his stomach twisting up in knots. He knows so much about anorexia – knows about the kind of effects it can have on the human body, knows about how damaging and self-destructive it can be. And he knows that James isn't there yet. He knows it's only been a few days, but his mind keeps going back to Carlos, lying on the hospital bed, malnourished, skinnier than he has ever seen him.
The signs were there. They'd been there for months, now that he thinks about it, and yet, with all the knowledge he has about the disease, he couldn't see it happening.
His best friend was falling apart, killing himself little by little. He should have seen it coming.
"Logan, are you okay?" Kendall asks, snapping him out of his thoughts.
He swallows hard and pushes the plate away from him, his appetite now completely gone. "Yeah," he says after a moment of hesitation, then slowly adds, "I'm just not very hungry myself."
"You should eat a bit more," Kendall tells him, so he pulls the plate towards him again and grabs the fork with his hand.
He can feel Kendall's gaze digging into him as he forces a forkful of scrambled eggs into his mouth. It doesn't taste much like anything. He wants to spit it out.
It's over half an hour later when they're piling into Mrs. Knight's car, Katie taking the passenger's seat and Logan and Kendall taking the back. From where he's sitting with his head resting against the window, he can hear the soft humming of the radio playing some kind of indie song he doesn't recognize. He wishes the soft melody was enough to silence the thoughts swarming around in his head.
He doesn't notice when his leg starts bouncing up and down repeatedly, his nails digging into the fabric of his jeans, until Kendall rests a hand on top of his knee, grabbing his attention.
"What?"
"What's wrong?" Kendall asks, his eyebrows knitting together, as if he's trying to figure out what's actually going on just by looking at him.
"What do you mean?"
"Something's wrong," Kendall says. "Ever since our talk this morning, I noticed that something's wrong. Something happened."
"Oh." Logan's gaze falls to his lap. "It's nothing."
"Come on, Logie," Kendall whispers. "I know you. I know when something's wrong, and for you to be acting like this… it's not nothing."
"Nothing I can do about it now."
"Nothing you can do about what?"
Logan sighs, letting the back of his head hit the carseat's headrest. "James… Carlos. All of it."
"Okay…" He's not looking at Kendall, but he can hear the frown present in his voice. "What exactly do you mean by that?"
"I didn't see it coming." He blinks the tears away from his eyes, brushes away the one that manages to escape with the back is his hand. "Carlos' eating disorder. I didn't see it coming."
"None of us did," Kendall says, his voice sounding choked. "None of us saw any of this coming."
"Yeah, but… I should have. I'm–I'm the future doctor. I should have seen what was happening right in front of me… but I didn't."
"Logie," Kendall stretches his arm towards him, placing it around his shoulders, "we're going to figure this out. I promise. But this isn't your fault."
Logan doesn't reply as he stares forward, his eyes meeting dark brown ones. 'I'm okay,' he mouths to Katie, who is staring at him with tears swimming in her eyes. A small smile tugs at his lips as she reaches for him, her smaller fingers wrapping around the hand he has now stretched out. 'We're okay.'
Or, at least, I hope we will be.
Well, this chapter mostly consisted of Kendall and Logan's thoughts, but I plan to go back to Carlos in the next one, and include James as well. I really just wanted to get something up, because it had been over half a year since I'd updated this story… I hadn't really realized it had been that long until I started working on this, oops. This year has simultaneously felt way too long and way too short at the same time, lol.
Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. :)
Oh! And before I forget, the BTR Writers' Support and Plot Adoption Forum is having a Halloween challenge soon, starting in September. There aren't a lot of rules for this one, but we're asking that if you write a story for it, that you keep it in BTR-verse (taking place during BTR or before it), since not many people write BTR-verse stories anymore, and that you include all the boys in it. If you want to know more information about it, feel free to send me a PM, but be aware that PM alerts have not worked for around a year now, so if you do, make sure to check your inbox for a reply.
~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)