Hi, everyone. I realize it's been a while since I've updated this story. I'm sorry about that. The past few months have been kind of busy and stressful, so I kind of took a break from this story for a bit. But, here is the next chapter, finally. I hope you enjoy. :)
Trigger warning for mentions of disordered eating.
It's not like he doesn't expect it – the anxiety coursing through his body, making him feel like he's out of breath, even though all he has done is walk from the car into the building. But, no matter how much he might have been expecting it, it does nothing to make it go away. He can't control the way his hands shake as he tries to fill out the paperwork Kendall has now handed to him. And he definitely can't control the way his right foot keeps tapping against the white-tiled floor.
"Do you want me to fill it out?" Kendall asks, for what is probably the third time since they arrived. He watches James closely, green eyes filled with worry.
Figuring he won't be able to fill out the paperwork on his own with how much his hand is shaking, he hands it over to Kendall, along with the pen, and proceeds to wrap his arms around himself in a protective manner.
The waiting room is completely empty, aside from the two of them. In front of them is a small, wooden table, with magazines and a tiny artificial cactus on top of it. The walls are decorated with framed pictures of landscapes and flowers. Mounted on the wall, at least six feet high, is a TV, which is currently playing the first Lilo and Stitch movie. James does his best to focus on that, but the anxiety building up inside him has him feeling so nauseous, he thinks he might throw up before they even call his name.
"Hey, it's gonna be okay," Kendall says as he places a hand on top of James' bouncing knee. "I know it's scary, but I'm sure it'll help."
James doesn't respond. He tries to smile over at Kendall, but he can barely even manage that. Within a couple of seconds, his lips are once again formed into a frown.
"Do you want me to go in with you?"
James shakes his head. "No. It's-It's okay."
"Are you sure?"
He nods.
"Okay," Kendall says and hands the paperwork back to James. "You need to sign some of them, and there are some things I can't fill out."
James takes the pen back from Kendall and signs the paperwork in his hands, his eyes barely managing to skim the information on it. The first page is just asking for his name, contact information, and has several questions that Kendall has left blank. After that is the consent agreement, which he signs, albeit sloppily. He can barely manage to hold the pen in his hand, let alone write well with it.
When he's done, Kendall offers to take it back to the front desk, but James assures him he can take it on his own, and forces himself to stand up.
"Hi. I, uh, finished filling out the paperwork," he tells the woman behind the desk.
"Thank you, honey. They'll be calling you shortly."
"Okay, thank you," he manages to say and makes his way back to where Kendall is seated.
It's less than five minutes later when a woman with long, black hair, wearing a white blouse and black pants, calls his name.
He feels Kendall give his hand a squeeze as he stands up and turns to face him, only for a split second.
"I'll be here," Kendall tells him with a small smile.
James nods and manages a quiet "thank you" in return, before slipping his hand out of Kendall's hold and following the woman behind the door she is holding open for him.
"Hi," he says, trying to force his lips up into a smile. He holds out his hand, which the woman takes, wearing a much more convincing smile on her face.
"Hi, James. I'm Dr. Velasquez. It's so nice to meet you."
"It's nice to meet you, too," he says, even though the truth is he'd much rather be anywhere else than here.
"Come on, follow me. My office is just down this hallway," she says, pointing down the hallway they're standing on.
He does as she says, his steps feeling heavy and uneven.
When they finally arrive at her office, she opens the door for him and allows him to step inside, before following closely behind him. "Feel free to take a seat," she tells him, gesturing to the dark green couch that's against the wall, near the entrance.
"Thank you," he says without looking up. He sinks into the couch, feeling uneasy. He doesn't really know what to do with himself. At least before, he was with Kendall – someone that he trusts and has known for most of his life. But now, he is in a room with a complete stranger – someone he's expected to tell his darkest thoughts and feelings to.
He isn't sure he can do that. Maybe that kind of thing comes easily to others, but to him, it feels practically impossible.
"James, is this your first time in therapy?" Dr. Velasquez asks, after taking a seat on a rolling chair a couple of feet in front of him. He watches as she crosses one leg over the other and places her clipboard on her lap.
Slowly, he nods. "Yeah. It's, uh, my first time doing something like this," he says as he rubs the palms of his hands against his jeans.
"What prompted you to come?" Dr. Velasquez asks, watching him closely.
"My friends."
"Your friends?"
"Yeah." He looks away from her and instead fixes his gaze on the painting behind her on the wall. It's of a scruffy, black and white puppy. It reminds him of a dog Carlos used to have when he was younger – a dog named Sparky. "They thought it'd be a good idea."
"Do you think it's a good idea?"
James shrugs. "I don't know, honestly."
His hands are now clasped together on his lap, his right thumb digging into his left palm.
"Why do you think your friends wanted you to come?" Dr. Velasquez asks carefully. "Is there a reason? Something they're worried about?"
This time, James has to look in a different direction. There are tears welling up in his eyes. He looks to the side and wipes under them, doing his best to keep his emotions at bay.
"My friend, Carlos, he, uh…" He stops and breathes in sharply, his chest suddenly feeling tight. "He tried to take his life."
As soon as Kendall sees James come out of the door he had disappeared through almost an hour ago, he stands from his seat, dropping the magazine in his hand on top of the rest.
"Hey," he says as he takes a step towards him. "Ready to go?"
James nods. "I just need to schedule my next appointment."
"Okay." As he waits, Kendall stuffs his hands into the pockets of his jeans and watches as James talks to the person at the front desk. When he returns, Kendall pulls his hands out of his pockets and starts to walk towards the door. He holds it open for James and then steps outside after him, a cool wind brushing past him as he does so.
The two of them walk in silence towards the BTR Mobile. It isn't until they're seated inside that Kendall turns to James, his lips forming into a tight smile. "How did it go?" he asks.
Beside him, on the passenger's seat, James looks down at his lap and shrugs. "Fine."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"Not really."
Kendall frowns at this but gives him a small nod and starts up the car. Before he can drive out of the parking lot, however, he turns back to James and reaches out to take a hold of his wrist. "But I'm here if you do want to talk. You know that, right?"
For a brief second, James' gaze connects with his. "I know," he says, his smile weak and not lasting for more than a second. "Thanks."
"Of course."
Kendall lets go of James' wrist and backs out of the parking lot, his gaze on the road for most of their drive back to the Palm Woods. He can't help but glance over at James whenever he stops at a stoplight, though, or whenever there isn't a lot of traffic around them.
When they arrive at Apartment 2J, Kendall expects to find it completely empty, since everyone had been at the hospital when they'd left. But, as they step inside, he's surprised to find Logan sitting on the living room couch, a textbook in his hand. Glancing towards the kitchen, he finds his mom seated at the island, her phone pressed against her ear.
"Hey," he calls out to Logan, who looks up at the sound of them entering the apartment.
He quickly places his textbook down on the couch and stands up, making his way to where they're still standing, near the doorway.
"Hey," Logan says, smiling briefly at Kendall, before turning his attention to James. "How did things go?"
Just like when Kendall had asked, James gives Logan a small shrug, before brushing past him and starting to make his way to his bedroom.
"Hey, James, wait!" Logan calls out.
Stopping in his tracks, James slowly turns back to look at him. "Yeah?"
"Mama Knight is ordering pizza. Do you want anything?"
James swallows hard and shakes his head. "No, thanks."
Kendall and Logan both watch him go, unsure of what else to do. Once he's out of their view, Kendall turns to Logan, his bottom lip wedged in between his teeth. "Maybe we should give him some space," he says as he runs a hand through his hair.
"Yeah, maybe." Logan sighs and moves to sit back down on the couch. Instead of going back to his textbook, though, he pushes it aside and watches as Kendall sits down beside him.
"Hi, honey," Mrs. Knight says, having hung up the phone. She's still by the island, but her eyes are now on Kendall. "Is James okay?"
Kendall shrugs. "I don't know. He won't talk to me."
Mrs. Knight frowns at his response, her eyes now looking to where James had disappeared to down the hallway. "I'll go talk to him," she says, before vanishing down the hallway as well.
As soon as James is inside his room, he closes the door behind him and leans against it, letting his eyes drift closed, even if only for a moment. It's been about twenty minutes since he walked out of his first therapy session, but his heart still feels like it's threatening to jump right out of his chest. He feels shaky and nauseous – not that he hasn't been feeling that way for weeks now, but the feeling seems to have intensified.
A sudden knock on the door causes him to jump in surprise. Sighing, he detaches himself from the door and turns around to open it, expecting to find either Kendall or Logan on the other side. To his surprise, the one standing there, with a concerned look on her face, is Mrs. Knight.
"Oh. Hi, Mama Knight," he says as he rakes a hand through his hair.
"Hi, sweetheart," Mrs. Knight says, eyeing him closely. "Can I come in?"
Even though he really wishes she wouldn't, he slowly nods his head. "Yeah, sure."
He steps aside, allowing her to step into the room. He watches as she nears Carlos' bed, her hand grazing a teddy bear that's seated on top of it, leaning against his pillow. He looks away as tears start to blur his vision. He knows that teddy bear all too well. It's the one he gave Carlos when he was eight, after he got stuck at home with the stomach flu. Carlos had loved it so much, he had taken it everywhere he went for over a year, even when other kids made fun of him for it.
Doing his best to push his feelings aside, he walks towards his bed and takes a seat on the very edge, keeping his gaze cast down, his eyes locked on his sneakers.
"How did things with Dr. Velasquez go?" Mrs. Knight asks as she mirrors his actions by taking a seat on the edge of Carlos' bed, careful not to mess up the covers too much.
James takes in a deep breath, letting it out slowly. "They went… okay."
"Are you going to see her again?"
"It's not like I have much of a choice, do I?" he asks, even though he already knows the answer to that.
Where she's sitting, Mrs. Knight frowns. She presses her lips into a tight line and moves to sit next to James, then taking one of his hands in between both of her own. "Honey, you're shaking," she says quietly, her frown deepening when James pulls his hand out of her grasp.
"I'm fine," he says, even though there are tears swimming in his eyes, one of which manages to slip down his right cheek. "It's just been a long day. That's all," he mumbles, his eyes locked on the wall next to him.
"I imagine it has," Mrs. Knight says. "But, James, honey, it's okay to admit that you're struggling. Nobody is going to see you any differently for it. Not me, not Kendall or Logan. Nobody is. You are not alone in this, even if at times it might feel like you are. You have a support system in us, in the good times and in the bad."
Sniffling, James finally turns to look at her, for the first time noticing the way her eyes are bloodshot, with dark bags underneath them. "Everyone else is struggling enough as it is already," he says quietly. "I don't want to add to that. I don't want to make anyone feel more stressed or worried than they already are."
"Sweetheart," Mrs. Knight chokes out, using one hand to wipe away the tears that have rolled down her cheeks, "we love you. I love you. You, Carlos and Logan… the three of you are like my own children. All I want to do is to protect you and keep you safe from all the harm in this world. But, obviously, I can't always do that."
"You do the best you can," James whispers, his heart aching at the sight of her. For as long as he has known her, Mrs. Knight has always put up a strong front, much like Kendall. This side of her – the more vulnerable side of her – is one he doesn't see often. It hurts him to see her so lost and unlike her usual, cheery self.
"Thank you," she practically mouths, the two words nothing more than a whisper he barely manages to make out. "But, my point is, you have never and will never be a burden to me, James." As she says this, she places her index finger under James' chin, forcing him to look her in the eye. "I want to be here for you. I want you to feel like you can come to me if you ever need to."
"I do," James says, doing his best to blink away tears. "I trust you, it's just… I'm not used to this. My mom made it very hard for me to open up to her, so I'm just… used to keeping things bottled up, I guess."
"I know." Mrs. Knight reaches over, brushing away a tear that's slowly sliding down the side of James' face. "It's gonna take time, and it's gonna take effort, but I just want you to know that I'm here, okay? For whatever it is you might need."
"I know, thank you," James whispers.
"Come here," Mrs Knight says, opening her arms wide.
Looking slightly hesitant, James scoots closer towards her and allows her to pull him into her warm embrace. Feeling tears prick at his eyes again, he wraps his arms around her small frame, shielding his face against her shoulder blade, and lets the tears run freely.
A moment later, she pulls away from the hug, keeping a firm hold on him, as if he's going to disappear if she lets go.
"I know you don't want to, because I heard your conversation with Logan a little while ago, but please, will you join us for dinner? I ordered Hawaiian pizza, your favorite."
"Mama Knight, I–"
"Please?" she says, cutting him off. "At least one slice."
He sighs, his stomach aching at the mention of food. He's hungry, he's really hungry, but the thought of eating makes him feel nauseous all over again. But then he remembers the sadness in her eyes, hears the desperation in her voice, and that somehow makes him feel even worse.
"I'll try my best."
"That's all I ask," she tells him, pulling him into a quick, one-armed hug. "I need to go pick up the pizza, but I'll be back soon, okay?"
"Okay."
He waits until she has walked out of the room and closed the door behind her to let his body fall back against the bed. But then he remembers the teddy bear on Carlos' bed and quickly moves to grab it, before climbing back into his own bed, underneath the covers. There, he hugs it tightly, the faint smell of Carlos' cologne drifting in through his nose, making him feel comforted, yet extremely sad at the same time.
I keep hurting James in this… I'm sorry. The other boys aren't doing so well either, so maybe you'll see a glimpse of that in the following chapter… Maybe even a glimpse of Carlos, too. ;)
Please let me know what you all thought! And thank you so much for reading. :)
~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)