Shinji came home to a house of silence, the floorboards creek on barefooted feet echoing into the spaces still asleep waiting to be lit alive by its occupants breath of life, sparse in its belongings yet defiant in each organized placement of furniture, an exclusive reminder of meaning rooted on the floors clear in their reasons why their importance beams constant comfort to its tenants. He moves to draw open the curtains hoping to salvage whatever was left of the late afternoon light (and what he could salvage was not even enough to help light a corner of the room since the winter seasons always seem to darken the days a bit faster than the seasons that came before it), proceeding to enter the kitchen, the only room that shines to life with his presence and starts preparing food with the simple groceries he bought.
He didn't think he was one of the best cooks out there, his judgement on his own food was always a toss between it being decent enough to feed guests or simple enough to fill in the hunger. Whatever praise that would illicit after the first bite, without difficulty his ready smile of appreciation takes its place and the small exchange in the glory of his prowess in the kitchen would lighten only a fraction of his willingness to try and see it better than it actually is fades away.
But had Asuka always liked his food.
Her delight when he cooked her favorites were always expressed in a string of sentences told in between bites of food ranging between "finally preparing something rich and fulfilling," and "it's slightly up to my taste but you're still lacking some skills," to the downright proclamation of one culture being superior to the other, "just cook German food from now on Shinji, since obviously it's the best." Although the translations to the sounds of her joy made music in and out of tune, the furious sounds of strings being strummed too violently, the pounding rumble of the drums sent headaches piercingly felt at the back of one's eyes and skull, inharmonious melody played by a pianist with no rhythm on a piano off key and broken.
Yet the little joys Shinji took were enough to subdue the remnants of unease each time he tried to figure out the meaning of her interactions towards him.
I miss her, Shinji mused. But she doesn't like me doing nothing while I'm missing her.
Asuka was always about action and that was something he always loved about her, anything that fumed within her whether it was anger, grief, pain, or something she doesn't like admitting to; loneliness, she always subjected it by trashing everything within her vicinity or when her strength betrayed her body somehow her lungs latching on tiny wisp of air releasing roaring howls into the open space loud enough to hurt her ears but never enough to reach the people she sent out the signal to. This dark fascination with the depravity of her rage led both to their salvation and ruin in a wasteland where they weren't heroes nor the glorified pilots they were in the past, instead they were sheep plucked hastily by the tail in a sloppy attempt to escape the slaughter that befell unto everyone else. What they had were hollow trophies and scratched medals of honor; grimly discarded when hallow eyes met each other halfway, a hand that reached out on tainted skin in search for meaning and security, eyes in disbelief prickled with tears gently falling on to the person that meant the world to him, whose sharp and painful words snapped him back to the dreadful reality they were in.
They were each other's infinite reflections; a curse in forever having a reminder on everything they lacked but a blessing to know someone out there held the same pain and yearned for the same love, little by little they learned to give as they continued to subsist in a world that betrayed and abused them, so long as Asuka was still Asuka and Shinji was still Shinji; people who were born to lose and couldn't believe they could belong to anyone but themselves.
"Shinji, what are you gonna do now?"
"What do you mean?"
Tsk, "I mean, what are you going to do now that civilization's back?"
He honestly didn't know and that both angered her and him as well, "I really don't know Asuka."
They were lying on the floor by each other's side staring lazily at the bare ceiling, small cracks gracing faintly on the stale grey paint, a short treading silence bouncing between the low burring of a rusty heater they scavenged in an old warehouse several months ago when the snow started to scare them during the night with its unforgivable chill crawling ever so slowly on their skin till it dug its way onto their bones until reluctance was swept away with the breeze and since then throughout the nights they were glued to each other underneath the various fabrics of towels, thin beddings, and dusty coats enclosing them protectively and a fire that consistently gave out halfway through the night, its warmth rendered useless when they were in each other's arms.
Humorously, it wasn't there out of remembrance for their survival, they simply got too sentimental to throw it away,
"Then start thinking about it now you idiot, don't tell me you just want to stay inside the apartment doing chores all day? That's pathetic and it's going to annoy me until I'm gonna kick you out."
A soft smile creeps onto his lips, "No, you won't."
"Are you testing me?" he could feel her glare and the hotness of her breath against the cold air tickled his skin and he wanted nothing more but to burying himself in the crook of her neck where her warmth reminded him of the eternal summer he was starting to long for.
"Not really," he says casually turning to face her waiting eagerly to be trapped in her sapphire haze, "I just know you won't kick me out." His recent demeanor of calmness and passive honesty lingered on the lines of annoyance and bashful flutters of the heart.
She constantly overthinks if she's doing enough for him in terms of intimacy.
She scoffs, "Fine! Think like that then but don't assume even for a minute that this serves as a warrant for you to be a lazy ass, stupid Shinji." She huffed returning to her side once more the paleness of her back covered with a sweater twice the size she usually wears for her clothes, vibrant red hair splayed on the tatami mat unsupported by the absence of two red clippings he grew wary of. He watches her for a while tucking an elbow underneath his head for support as he obsessively pays attention to the little movements she makes in front of him, there was no longer the fear of them being apart only the melancholic feeling of a future blurring the lines between pain and happiness.
And Shinji only wants the certainty for Asuka's life.
"Do you think they know it was me who started it?"
"Third Impact?"
He inhales deeply, trying to simmer down the anxiety that builds itself up whenever he hears the name of his sin. He wasn't proud of what he did, nothing had been done in the name of saving humanity, all it could be traced to was his blatant selfishness and disability to think for others outside himself. The guilt washes over him steadily as it did back then the first time he came back to the real world, the burden was all his and he knew that, in his mind, he thought of it as something he wanted to use to better himself; an armor to cage past mistakes and a defense from new ones. Nothing was easy and being alone made it difficult to see the light, the days passed by swiftly and the anticipation for contact itched away the dreaded repercussions of his ultimatum, desperation clawed his mind vigorously with its whispers demanding him to accept his incorrect choice. Hope comes and goes, it is fickle and fragile like human belief, the duty to fight is called to rest and the absolution of nothingness fills his senses as it lulls him to sleep on the white sand of the beach where all his beloveds laid at rest.
The sounds of waves crashing on the shore continue.
The red slit still maintaining its ghastly flow.
An apparition of Rei forms and vanishes.
And Asuka appears besides him.
"Humans have always been creatures of free will, should it result in paradise or destruction know that the only masters of such creations are themselves."
He gave everyone the choice to return with no coercion nor with reservation. He for only a few moments held the power of a God, and he chose to waive it for the chance humanity would wake up from a dream.
Asuka being here didn't seem right. Was her choice to torment him again, her driving factor to return? Did she grab the final chance in breaking down his spirit? Was she going to be the reminder that he was still the unwanted boy left by his father at a train station with nothing but a luggage and an old music player? The boy doomed to always be rejected.
With hands turned into snakes emerging from within the armor he thought would be his redemption and began to coil around her slender neck, the snake that parades itself around the ideals of righteousness and goodness once again commits itself to the revolting act of annihilation. Shinji turns into the snake that continues to swim deeper and deeper into the shameless dark void of sickness and poison, he wants to be nothing again, if he turns into nothing, she can't hurt him anymore.
Running away.
He strengthens his hold on her even more, Asuka being here would only resume a cycle he thought he destroyed along with the world. A cycle of misguided emotions, miscommunication of feelings weighing heavily in their hearts, of words looping endlessly at the deepest parts of their minds and tongues devoid of declaring sweet adorations and the simple gestures of love. But his actions contradict with the feelings hidden in the recesses of his soul, in truth, he both wanted her to come back and not at the same time, the girl that he had allowed to be torn apart by the untamed monsters they were openly thrusted to command, the girl that refused him when he too needed her the most.
She would never forgive him.
The forgiveness he sought dissolved the minute they lost each other in Instrumentality and Shinji believed it was too late.
Run. Away.
A ghost like touch raised itself above his eye, the bandaged hand lightly brushing the small bangs that clouded his vision, ever so slowly it works its way down to his chin kneading more solidly when the full palm of her hand rested gently on his cheek.
The weight of the world finally crashing down in the form of tears from a boy who's had enough.
He was beginning to shake, and a prickly feverish chill began to tingle through his body, the loud thrumming of his heart made it hard to say anything without the conception of bile with each sharp breath he takes, he wants to call out her name, he needs to say her name.
"Shinji," Asuka uttered from his reverie, "Do you want to hold me?"
"Y-es," he managed to stretch out his arms wrapping them around her waist tucking in his face in the crook of her neck faintly imagining the once lavender scent it used to smell when the world was normal as it was allowed to be.
Asuka said something impossible, "No one knows it was you."
He wants to believe her, "How do you know that?"
"Because only the people you truly care about are the only ones you can see clearly, everything else is basically just background noise." She intertwines their hands before dragging them into the confides of her sweater where her skin burned his hungry delight.
Without surprise the sound of her voice and the feel of her skin calmed him down immediately.
"Rei told you that?"
She makes an odd pshh sound, "Unlike you, I took the time to always be one step ahead from those freaks who wouldn't get straight to the point the whole time I was there." He could feel her smirk before it graced on her lips, "It was a theory of mine that was proven true when I finally got out, besides a billion people out there don't have the time to remember a pathetic little welp like you."
All the time, Asuka helps him in her own aberrant ways.
"I mean, come on, the first thing someone would do when they get out of that hell would be finding someone they know like their family, friends, or their cats. Why would they go out looking for a brat scared of his own shadow?"
"I'm not that lame, Asuka."
"You are that lame, Shinji."
"I'm not! You always make me more of a joke than I usually am." Shinji muttered on her nape feeling the soft hairs on his lips.
"I don't need to try and tweak anything Shinji, you do that by yourself."
"Stop being so cruel, Asuka."
"I'm only cruel for being a fool for you, Shinji."
A very long silence commences.
"That was disgusting! I take that back!" She yells yanking herself away from his hold on her and he simply lets her since his arms were busy hugging his ribs where his lungs were starting to hurt from laughter being repressed.
Asuka glares at him before showing little to no mercy in the stream of strikes he receives from the pillow they've been sharing, its cotton stuffing feeling more like cement when it slapped him across the face.
"Okay! Okay! Please stop hitting me!" A dull ringing was beginning to start, and he started to feel a little dizzy from the continued onslaught.
"I'm glad that managed to lift your spirit!" she says sardonically which usually wasn't a good sign for him, "You goddamn loathsome brat!" it was often times said in German, but the often times turned into always and he figured it out by accident while surfing through a bookcase Shinji presumed belonged to a translator; coincidently finding the German words that gave new meaning when he found out.
"Stop! I'm not laughing anymore!"
She raises the pillow once more.
"Asuka!" He grabs her hand, forcing her into a halt.
"Thank you for trying to cheer me up," he says with every syllable seemingly laced with fear, "It means a lot to me when you do that." Even his smile was shaking.
Asuka continues to stare down at him, an angle that gave him unsavory flashbacks, although he admits this one is more humorous that its predecessor.
He swallows hard, not because of fear, but more so to steady himself from falling sideways, "I don't exactly know what's going to happen to me or what I'm going to do, but I know I'll be right next to you when I figure it out."
Open moments like these have always pacified her irritation and anger, the cobalt eyes that stared deep into her own sapphire ones gaining a miniscule of confidence each passing day held her in place. They weren't perfect; far from it and they knew that. But when the world became desolate and they only had each other's company in a stolen room they now deemed as theirs, in the room where their time were spent enjoying a quiet afternoon with the absence of conversations, in the room where they drowned in each other's glory and misery, in this room where everything was real and so were they.
"You can keep cleaning until you get sick of it, you can coop up in the house until you want to come out and get some fresh air, you can cook all the stupid recipes you think are interesting, you can do a lot of things Shinji," She kneels in front of him, the softness of her hands found itself on his face cupping firmly on once reddened cheeks and stares intently into his eyes, "but all I need from you is the promise to come back."
She has faith in him, and it nearly brings him to tears.
They were each other's ruin and salvation. Dancing around the edge of a cliff with nothing to their names, they live their lives with the knowledge of the impending doom. Flashes of how everything led up to here showed they were very much in the moment of finally crossing the lands they previously lost their misty eyes glistening faintly beneath the clouds.
And Shinji would forever hold on to her words like religion.
"I will, Asuka. Because I need you."
"Good. Because I don't need anyone else but you."
With everything leading into finality, she seals his faith with a kiss that devoured his soul.
Author's Notes:
Hello! This piece of fanfiction is very much inspired by the well known Evangelion fanfic called "Ghost of Evangelion" a great fanfiction that I'm not trying to challenge or be "the upgraded version," I'm merely paying tribute to it by following its directions in format and narrative (although I will try to lessen the confusion with the timelines and I should mention I don't plan on writing more than 6 chapters for this work), I'm not doing anything groundbreaking or something entirely new I just thought of adding my own mediocre writing into the foray of many great works, this is just an experimental story of mixing character study with romance as the heavy feature. I hope it doesn't get too boring. Lastly, I doubt I have the skill to make a detailed and believable story on the step by step of how humanity returned after Third Impact since I'm not that skilled enough to write something as intricate as that, so apologies for that particular flaw.
Sorry for the long rant. Thank you for reading!