Another chapter! So soon? Yeah, I'm shocked myself, but hey! Great for you all! Have at it! I hope you enjoy it!
This was springboarded from a prompt I got by LostDeviant over on AO3, so thank you, lovely! I hope you like it!
"Alright, who is it this time?" she asks, her unimpressed voice muffled by the bag over her head. Well, at least this time she's on something squishy and soft. Hmm, maybe a squish chair or a mattress? Oh, dear deity in the sky, please do not let there be pee on the cushion thing where she's sitting. Darcy waits for a few moments before the bag is ripped none too gently off her head. What she finds once her eyes have become used to the sudden light is…weird, really just plain weird. Greenery fills the room. Vines climb the walls and tangle together on the ceiling. Assorted plants in pots all over the floor and some furniture fill the room, giving her the impression that whoever is taking care of the plants is trying really hard to make a jungle appear in their room. She looks down to find that she's on a nice queen-sized bed that even has green, leafy patterns. Even the canopy of the bed has a tree pattern carved intricately into the wood, although if she studies it closer, she kinda thinks that the canopy is a tree. Any window she finds is large, bringing in lots of natural light, and rimmed with vines too. Basically…it's like a greenhouse and a forest had a baby, and this is the munchkin baby that came after the forest-greenhouse spawn. Looking around, Darcy can't help but seriously admire whoever takes care of all the plants in the room, especially given the fact that Darcy's managed to unintentionally kill a squishy succulent and a cactus, even if they probably kidnapped her.
"Do ya like it? Ivy's great with plants!" a giggly, high-pitched voice with a heavy Brooklyn accent asks from somewhere in the room. Darcy whirls her head around in search of the source of the voice and finds a tall, pale as fuck woman with platinum blonde pigtails, tipped with blue on one side and pink on the other, standing excitedly in the corner. It's Harley Quinn, Jay's ex. Great! It's apparently time to meet the ex! "So, you're Mistah J's new gal!"
Darcy just shrugs and tries to smile through the uncertain confusion. "I guess?"
"Well," the blonde asks in an expectant tone, laced with demanding layers, "are ya or aren't ya? Ya don't sound too certain to me, honey."
"I don't know really. Sure, I guess? I mean, he never really asked me, but all his little cronies seem to think I am. So, maybe?" She adds another shrug to make sure the lady knows that Darcy is clueless herself. "Not to sound rude or anything, Harley—can I call you Harley? —but…why…am…I…here? Also, where is here?"
Harley just giggles and waves Darcy's hesitance off with a casual hand. "Mistah J's neva been very good at askin' about stuff. Honey, everyone knows you're his girl. Sure, you can call me Harley! Oh, silly me! You're in Ivy's guest room. I'm stayin' with her, ya see, and she said I could use it. I'm here to make sure you're worthy of my puddin'."
"Oh, cool. Um, so what do you think? Am I worthy or…?" Darcy really doesn't want to finish that sentence.
"Well, I like ya! So, I think ya can stay breathin'!" Harley sends her a wink and another giggle. Damn, that was quick and pretty much painless! Yay for breathing!
"Oh, great! So, can I go now or…do you need something else from me?"
"Sure, ya can go, Darcy dear!" The bubbly blonde hops over to untie Darcy's hands. "Ya know, Dee, I was so totally prepared to hate ya, bein' puddin's ex and ya bein' the new girl, kinda like my replacement ya know, but I think I like ya! Hey, I got a swell idea! Let's have a tea party! Ya wouldn't mind stayin' a bit, do ya? It could be fun! Hey, I bet even Ivy'll even wanna join," she adds as she does her thing.
As Darcy shakes her wrists to get the blood flowing through them at a steady rate again, she finds herself nodding. "Sure, sounds like fun! Oh, before you do it though, mind signing my Frequent Kidnapper's Card? It would mean a lot to me!"
"Ooh! Well, of course, I will, sweetie! And durin' the tea party, ya can tell me all about what a Frequent Kidnapper's Card is! Oh, ya don't have anything at all to wear for our party! I know, let's go shoppin'. I know all the best shops for such an occasion!" She claps her hands energetically and bounces on the bed.
"Um, what kind of tea party are we gonna have? Won't this be enough?" Darcy glances down at her comfy grey sweater dress and bright galaxy leggings.
"Oh, no, dear. Of course, you'll need a dress and some pretty sparkly jewelry too! Oh, maybe even a crown." Harley looks up in deep thought. "Now, come on. I don't have anythin' that'll fit those excellent girls you've got goin', which means we get to go shoppin'! Eek! I love shoppin'. Hold on a bit, and I'll grab everything we need." With that, she bounces off and out of the room to gather whatever it is she thinks they'll need.
Ten minutes later sees them driving at a breathtaking speed through the streets of Gotham, laughing and messily singing along to newest pesky but oh so catchy pop song on the radio at the top of their lungs, most likely annoying the fuck out of everyone they pass. Darcy loves it. Then they're pulling up in front of some wildly expensive looking boutique with exquisite evening gowns on display in an array of colors and styles in the windows. Darcy sits in the passenger seat, eyes wide with wonder as she stares at the clothing in the window. Next thing she knows, though, Harley is ushering her out of the car with a bright grin. They enter the boutique without any problem which almost kinda surprises Darcy since Harley is a known criminal and she's pretty sure the car is parked in a strictly no-parking zone. However, ever since a big blonde dude fell out of a huge death tornado and then she repeatedly almost died for six stupid college credits all those years ago, Darcy's become less and less surprised by all the weird shit she encounters, so this is less of a surprise and more of an "oh, okay, that's a thing now."
Once inside, Harley latches onto Darcy's arm and pulls her away over to some corner with a vice grip. "Come on, hun, any dress worth anythin' in this place is over in the VIP section! I'll show ya the way." She's dragged to a private corner where she finds dresses that have definitely been designed to impress and are also probably the most expensive out of the expensive in the shop. Waiting for them is a tall woman with deep brown hair all rolled up in a twist and a tight smile gracing her lips. "Hello again, Ms. Quinn, who is this?"
"Hi, Holly!" the blonde at her side chirps happily before she goes and peruses the special rack of gowns with a keen eye. "This is Darcy. She's my friend now. I totally kidnapped her earlier, but then I signed her Card and now we're so besties. Ivy will always be first in my heart, though."
"Darcy, you say? As in the Joker's girl?" Holly inquires. Okay, sure, the name Darcy is not that common, like names such as Emma, Emily, and Jessica (not that there is anything at all wrong with people who have those names, because there really isn't), but, come on, there have to at least be a few other girls with the same name as her! Why is it being Jay's girl is the first thing to come to Holly's mind when she heard her name? Okay, sure, her name has gotten around the media lately with her job working with the Avengers—that would make sense—but to have it directly connected to Jay first? Seriously, he must have been painting it all over town or something like that. Apparently, gangsters and mobsters and the whole underground of Gotham are bigger gossips than the tabloids.
Darcy doesn't try to keep from rolling her eyes. Jesus Christ on a cracker, some homicidal wacko rescues you from a kidnapping and suddenly you're practically married to the guy and everyone knows about the wedding except the bride. Okay, so they're not married, but she is pretty sure that he is only a few steps away from the proposal…regardless that she never said yes to a date, but whatever, she can roll with it if it keeps her alive. At least she knows who the groom is and doesn't mind him all that much (ignoring those psychopathic tendencies…heh)!
"Yeah, I guess that would be me," Darcy greets after a moment.
"And why did you think it a good idea to kidnap her?" Holly turns on the blonde, hands on her hips and an unimpressed raised eyebrow. "Harley, baby, we let you in, give you what you want, but if you're gonna kidnap the Joker's girl, our doors will close to you. I am not going to support—willingly or otherwise—someone on his shit list and kidnapping her will get you a one-way ticket onto that list," Holly admonishes. "I'd rather remain breathing with a destroyed dress shop than be dead."
"I had to see if she was right for him. Now, Dee, sweetie, do you like the black or the bright purple one?" Harley casually says as she picks her way through the rack of gowns. The black one is a mermaid style beauty with a halter-top. The purple one has an A neckline and has a fit-and-flow fitting that would sway mesmerizingly with each step its wearer takes.
"Oh, um, I think the black makes your skin look even paler than a ghost's, so unless you're going for that specifically, I'd say the purple. Although I think you should see if they have it in a different shade of purple, cuz that one is really, really bright, unless you're into that," Darcy answers easily.
"Hehe, you're so funny! It's not for me! It's for ya! I've got plenty of dresses to wear for the party, but ya don't." Then she turns with a crazed smirk to face Holly and Darcy. She holds up the bright purple dress on its hanger and hands it to Darcy before shoving her into the dressing room.
When Darcy comes out of the dressing room minutes later dressed in the gown, Harley coos and cheers while Holly simply nods approvingly with a tense smile. Surprisingly, the dress fits her perfectly, even her girls. Darcy doesn't question how her new "bestie" knew her size so well when she barely knows it herself. (Honestly, the sizing for "female" clothing is so horribly fucked up that Darcy has hated looking for clothes ever since puberty hit her with a bang.) The color also isn't nearly as horrible as she'd thought it would be on her. She actually kinda really digs the whole bright enough to burn you retinas shade on her. It makes her skin look great! "Yay! I like it! Great! Go back and slip it off so that Holly can bag it before we leave. She's already alerted Mistah J, so we only have a few moments before he'll most likely be here guns blazin'. We still have to find some awesome shoes to go with the dress and maybe a necklace. I know just the place. Go on now," Harley orders.
Darcy shrugs but does as the woman says. Only a couple minutes later, the pair of girls is tearing down the streets of Gotham yet again, this time in search of shoes and accessories, which they find in the next three shops. By the time they make it back to Ivy's place, about an hour has passed, and Darcy is actually pretty impressed that Jay hasn't shown up yet. Another ten minutes later and she's donning their new "purchases," including the gaudy and big and sparkly as hell crown that Harley had snatched at the last moment. Apparently, Ivy—yes, Poison Ivy—had been informed of the tea party and had prepared for it while they were gone since she'd been dressed to the nines when they got there. Their introduction had been swift with barely more than Harley chirping "Ivy, Darcy, puddin's girl. Darcy, Ivy, my best bestie." They'd waved awkwardly before getting over the complete and utter unexpectedness of the whole situation, and Darcy had been ordered to get dressed.
Now here they are, a strange, highly unlikely but actually happening trio sitting around a table, decorated to the nines, and enjoying Ivy's favorite lemon tea with various little cakes. The pale, light green tinted kinda-ex-eco-terrorist, Poison Ivy, is all dolled up in a soft leafy green dress, hair falling down her back in fiery red waves, and small diamonds adorning her neck. Harley has put on a golden dress, gathered her hair at the top of her head in a high-ponytail, and ornamented her wrists with sparkling green bangles. Darcy has found herself in the clothing she and Harley had gotten on their little outing. It's mostly quiet between the three of them aside from the clinking of the very nice probably-mostly-definitely genuine, authentic China set, random sips, and the sound of nibbling.
Of course, the very next moment, the peace is shattered when Harley turns on Darcy with a grin and wild, bright eyes like a puppy high on puppy treats. "So, how'd ya meet puddin'?"
"Same way I met you. Kidnapping," Darcy tells them. Beside her, Poison Ivy nearly chokes.
"Harles, honey, I thought you said Darcy wanted to be here. We talked about this!" the redhead pipes in with a scolding expression.
"I know, Ives, I know, but I just had to meet the girl the underground of Gotham keeps gossiping about. Ya know how I am with gossip!" Jay's ex-psycho-uglies-bumping-buddy trills over a piece of brownie.
Then Ivy is facing Darcy with an apologetic expression. "I am so sorry about this. We really have talked about kidnapping people for no reason, but I guess we need to have a few more. I don't think I said this earlier, but you can call me Ivy if you like or even Pamela. I can have you returned to wherever as soon as you'd like," she informs her patiently with the tone of a spouse who's really quite used to their other half pulling weird shit all the time. Basically, she sounds like Pepper when she used to have to watch Tony. Well, now Darcy has an idea of what the CEO of Stark Industries would be like if she decided to turn to the dark side (probably for the cookies if she's being honest here).
"It's fine really. She's been my favorite kidnapper ever, and she hasn't really hurt me at all. Plus, she even signed my Card without a fuss, which is more than I can say for nearly everyone else, and she took me…shopping to make up for it. We're cool now," Darcy replies between bites of a fabulous chocolate chip cookie. "Ladies, these cookies are amazeballs. Where can I get more?"
"Harley made them earlier. I don't know how she does it since she burns water without actually turning on the stove on a good day, but she can make these without any trouble. Aren't they tasty?"
"They sure as hell are! This totally makes up for any kidnapping. If I could marry these cookies, I think I just might," Darcy moans in delight as she chops down on her plate of them.
"I can give ya the recipe before ya go, Darcy sweets," Harles offers.
"Marry me" is the first thing that comes to her mind, and, of course, the brain-to-mouth filter hasn't happened yet, so Darcy ends up saying it out loud.
"Sure! Ivy, what do ya say? Wanna have a triad—" the vivacious supervillain is interrupted by a hard pounding.
"Harley, open this door! I gotta speak to you!" the irritated, tense growl of Jay's voice filters in from outside. Harley tenses. It's barely visible, but Darcy notices anyways.
Ivy rests one perfectly manicured hand on her girlfriend's in a comforting gesture. "I'll get it. You stay here, okay?"
Harley, who had only moments ago been as cheerful and bubbly as a puppy, takes an annoyed sip of her tea before standing, purpose, and irritation in her eyes. "Nah, I can handle this. Ya stay," she answers before marching over to the door.
"Harles, toots, you gonna open this door or do I hafta?" Jays calls.
"I'm comin'. Don't ya dare!" Darcy can hear Harley shout back. Then she hears the door torn open. "What do ya want, Mistah Jay? I was havin' a nice tea party with Ivy!" Darcy can actually imagine the pout curving Harley's lips at the end of her sentence.
"I heard…rumors that you got my Darcy-girl. I even heard you were spotted draggin' the poor thing into that boutique you like, by the arm. Wanna explain that?"
"I was not draggin' someone into the shop today!"
"Harley, is my girl here, or isn't she?" Jay snarls.
Darcy rolls her eyes and marches over to the bickering pair, swiping two cookies on her way out, to find that Jay has brought his overcompensating entourage. In the front entryway stands Harley, Jay, Jonny, and about five of his big, buff crime minions. "Chill, Jay! I'm fine!" Darcy says to announce her presence. At seeing her, the King of Crime's face breaks into a huge, overly excited toothy grin. "Darcy, sweet cheeks! There you are!" he greets enthusiastically. Then she's enveloped in a tight bear hug by a pale trickster (not the extraterrestrial one, though) and given a loud lip-smack on the cheek.
"Hi, Jay. Dude, we were having a nice tea party when you interrupted us," she admonishes when he lets her go. "Everything's fine and dandy, so you can either go now or join us. You're certainly dressed for the occasion." And he is with his nice, sleek black suit.
"Harles, you head on in while I have a talk with dearest Darcy," Jay replies. With one last shared glance between the ex-lovers, Harley glides out of the room. Then he's focusing on Darcy with an impressed and highly entertained eyebrow. "You got her to like ya, didn't you?"
"Yep. We are totally hoes before beaus now." Then she actually takes a second to let that sink in her mind before talking again, this time a bit more sporadic and frantic. She flails her arms dramatically. "Well, it's not like I planned on this happening, Jay. I may have a Frequent Kidnapper's Card, but that still doesn't mean I planned on this! No one plans for this type of thing! The damn Card's just a consolation gift for the fucked up shit that the universe has bestowed on me like an asshole!" she hisses under her breath since she guesses that these walls really don't mean a thing when it comes to the privacy of conversations being had in this house since she could hear Harley and Jay from the dining room. Plus, there is the entourage of wacko crime minions still there too. She snappishly takes a bite of cookie to emphasize her statement and because of well…cookie. "Besides, it's not my fault you supers, from both sides might I add, like me so much. Even Ivy likes me, which I am still getting over. Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure they were offering me a triad thingy when you banged on the door."
Jay rolls his eyes. "Of course, Ivy likes you. If I like you, then you're pretty damn likable. Now, about this kidnapping business. Did Harley really kidnap you and did she really grab you and drag you into stores like I've been hearing?" he questions, his hands on her shoulders.
"Yes, to the kidnapping. No, to the dragging me places. I did that on my own accord. It was actually pretty fun. We should go again next time I need to go someplace fancy-schmancy for my job. Harles has got great taste in fashion. Oh, and then you are helping me pick out my jewelry," Darcy answers with a shrug as she finishes off the second cookie, thinking of the gorgeous bracelet probably still just sitting in its box on her bed in Bruce's mansion. "Now, Jay, are you staying or going? Those cookies are not going to eat themselves. Harley made 'em."
"You got Harley to make cookies for ya?"
"Well, not really. She just did it on her own, and now, I'm reaping the benefits!"
"Darcy, you are incredible, doll. Harley never makes cookies for just anyone."
"Cool! I'll have to thank her a lot, now answer the question already. I want more of them." Beside them, she can tell that his goons are struggling to keep a straight face as they watch their interactions. "You can have a cookie too." Now they look like deer in the headlights, causing her to believe that no one ever really remembers that they're humans too and that they probably realize they're being pulled into the situation too.
Jay grumbles but rolls his eyes. "I'll stay. Sounds kinda fun." Then he stares at his boys with a hard glint in his eyes. "My gal's bein' nice, boys. Don't expect this to become normal." They nod quickly.
She shakes her head in amusement at his words and heads back into the dining room to swipe a plate of cookies for Jay's minions. When she returns to the entrance way, she distributes at least one baked good to each of them, managing to sneak Johny a second one without anyone else noticing, and receives either verbal thanks or a simple head nod while Jay watches with an impassive expression. Once the pastries have been dispersed, she grabs her villain's hand and leads him to the table in the dining room where Harley and Ivy are waiting for them. He follows with a smirk, obviously only allowing her to guide him. She slides back into her chair with a satisfied grin and watches as he follows suit in a seat next to hers.
"There! The goons have been fed, and you've figured out that I'm perfectly fine and didn't really need you to rescue me. All in all, fuck yeah, go me!" Darcy announces to fill the awkward silence that has settled over the group. "Oh, Jay, hand me your phone. I've been meaning to get your number recently."
"Sure, doll," he giggles. She feels like she should be surprised that he's giving it to her so easily, but she's kinda not. She's also got a suspicion that it might just be a burner phone. Eh, either way, she's pretty sure he'll keep her number even if he gets rid of the phone. "You gonna put me on speed dial?"
"Sure, if it makes you sleep at night," she snarks as he hands over a sleek smartphone that looks way too nice to be a burner. She quickly punches in her number and sends a text to herself. Then she takes a ridiculous selfie featuring a cookie and sets it as her contact photo before handing the device back.
"Oh! Me too! Then we can go shopping again!" Harley squeaks in excitement, the bubbliness returning. She throws over her device, and Darcy repeats the same procedure that she did for Jay's phone. Then the brunette ends up doing it for Ivy too.
"Hey, where is my phone?" Darcy asks suddenly when she realizes she really doesn't know where her beloved technology is.
"Oh, it's in the room where ya woke up earlier. Everythin's still there. I may have kidnapped ya, but I'm no heathen like those hydra assholes. I know how to respect another lady's things," Harley chirps.
"Awesome. I'll just grab my stuff on my way out," Darcy tells them, reaching to unashamedly grab yet another cookie.
And that is how tea parties with Harley Quinn (her Harley bae) and Poison Ivy (her Ivy boo) became a regular thing whenever Darcy (who they take to calling Darcy-dear) is in town.
Comments, questions, concerns, or just chatting put a crazy silly smile on my lips! (Like, seriously, I'm pretty sure people think I'm a lunatic with how wide my smile gets.)